Destroyed

19

Hazel

I thought I had space in my heart to love two people. To share my life with another. I thought I could love another child to ultimately replace the one I lost.

I thought Roan would change—that Clara would show him a way to be human. I thought even though a tragedy had happened, I would be able to cope.

I thought so many, many things, and they all turned out to be bullshit.

Turned out my heart wasn’t a living, beating thing. It was made of concrete and lead and rock, destined to never love another or ever beat fully again.

Part of me died that day.

I wished I had died that day.

But I couldn’t.

So I kept going.

Alone.

The funeral was held on a large piece of land just outside of Sydney. I didn’t know whose property it was. All I knew was horses existed everywhere. Paints, palominos, thoroughbreds, and Arabians. Their long noses and velvet soft ears squeezed my heart until I couldn’t breathe. Clara would’ve loved it here. She would’ve hugged every horse, slept in the open fields, and begged never to leave.

It was the perfect place.

God, I miss you. The burn of tears that were never far away stabbed my eyes.

The rain that’d been a constant companion for a week stopped the moment we arrived. It was as if the mourning period had been put on hold to celebrate the life of one taken so young.

I’d existed in a fog all week. I didn’t like to dredge up excruciating memories of Oscar finding me still holding Clara, or the hearse that came to take her away. I didn’t like to recall the agony and tears of telling Clue that our little trio had been broken. I’d been terrified Clue would resort to self-harming again—to find a release—but I hadn’t factored in the comforting presence of Ben.

Clue had been so amazingly strong. She’d held me while I broke. She’d cried with me and laughed with me. She kept me sane. And it was all because Ben was her pillar, feeding her strength, giving her the safe haven she needed.

Ben did for Clue what Fox should’ve done for me. I had no one to bury myself in or cry myself to sleep in their arms. I would always love Clue like a sister and could never have existed without her, but I needed…him. I needed his strength, his fight. I needed his anger and even his fuckedupness. Instead, he left me to fumble all alone and proved just what an asshole he was.

Ben kept me alive the past week. He held us until we almost passed out from tears. He gathered us close and gave us a rock to cling to while grief threatened to wash us away from this world.

He fed us when we forgot to eat, and he began our therapy early. Instead of letting us wallow in sorrow, he found every painting Clara had ever created, every picture of her, every macaroni glued statue she’d done at school and made Clue and me tell him stories of my daughter.

He reminded us she would never be gone as long as we kept her alive in our thoughts, and we had to remember the good not the bad. We had to keep living for her.

A few days after Clara’s death, Clue received a phone call that shot life back into her. She went from couch potato to a whirlwind of efficiency and threw herself into arranging the most perfect funeral any little girl could want.

I looked over at my non-blood sister. The breeze ruffled her straight black hair and tears glistened in her eyes. She nodded, feeling the same bond, the same need to remind ourselves we were there for each other.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “For this. For everything.”

“Don’t thank me. There’s someone else you should thank, too.”

I looked over my shoulder at Ben. He looked regal and dapper in a black suit, black shirt, and the requisite My Little Pony badge over his heart. The funeral was in Clara’s honour—and My Little Pony had been her favourite.

My heart squeezed hard, threatening to send me keeling over.

I can’t do this.

I wrapped my arms tighter around myself, gathering the black mournful dress I wore and holding the shattered pieces of my heart.

Don’t cry.

I’d shed more tears the past week than I ever thought possible. I should’ve shrivelled into a husk with the amount of water I expelled. But no matter how much I wailed and cursed, I didn’t feel better. The tears escaped, but my sorrow didn’t. It sat festering in my soul, mixing with loneliness and slow building hatred for the man who’d left me when I needed him the most.

After everything I’d sacrificed for him. After everything I’d given him, he couldn’t bring himself to even attend Clara’s funeral. I’d not only lost my daughter forever, but him, too. I would never forgive him for leaving me to face this without him.

Not once did I think about the baby inside me. Not once did I turn to Clue or Ben and tell them the news. I wanted to forget. I wished I wasn’t pregnant. I wanted life to stop and leave me the fuck alone. Nothing else existed but the death of my daughter.

“Don’t feel sad, mummy. I don’t want you to feel sad.”

Sunshine suddenly pierced through the rolling grey clouds like a giant spotlight. The bright ray landed on a beautiful horse with a red-speckled coat and pink mane and tail. A roan.

My heart flopped thinking of a little red-haired boy who’d lost his entire family only to turn around and watch me lose mine. Where had he gone? What the hell was he doing?

What was more important than being here to say goodbye?

More rays of sun beamed through clouds, turning the rolling meadows into glittering green blades, swaying gently with the breeze. The horses glowed like equine jewels, and I knew this was the right place for Clara. Nowhere else would’ve fit.

I didn’t know how Clue managed to find such an idyllic spot. I hadn’t bothered to ask. If Clue hadn’t helped me arrange everything, I would probably be mummified lying on Clara’s bed staring at the ceiling.

“Come on, Zelly. It’s about to start.” Clue wrapped an arm around my waist. I gave her a watery smile and let her guide me to a small semi-circle of black-shrouded people.

Everyone wore a My Little Pony item and the flowers dotting the small group were arrangements of ponies of different colours. Some unicorns, some with wings, some glitter-filled, some glow in the dark.

Clue and I had scoured all the toy shops and second-hand sellers for as many My Little Ponies as possible. There were so many I had no idea what I’d do with them afterward.

The reverend began to talk, and I tuned out. Ignoring the small huddle of children from Clara’s school and a few teachers who’d come to say goodbye, I stared at the horses. So powerful but delicate. So strong but gentle.

They hypnotised me as the service droned on and on. I didn’t need to know how miraculous Clara had been. I’d lived it.

“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now.”

Finally, the reverend’s sermon came to an end and arms went around me. I shut myself down, focusing only on the animals my daughter loved more than anything in the world. I couldn’t stand people touching me, consoling me.

Once the final stranger had hugged me and a hushed expectation filled the air, I panicked.

I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do this.

I’m not ready!

The reverend walked toward me, and I took a step back, shaking my head. He took my arms gently and laid the hand-painted urn in my hands.

It was cold and lifeless and my façade broke. A single tear streaked down my face knowing I would never hold Clara again. Never see her smile or laugh or grow.

“Don’t be mad at him, mummy. He needs you.”

My sadness switched to anger. Him. He did this. The man who loved my daughter so fiercely, he made the clock tick faster—take her quicker than I ever wanted.

My mind tried to tell me it was a blessing. That she’d gone before being paraded through hospitals or prodded by merciless doctors. She was free now. But the mother in me couldn’t see it that way. It didn’t matter that she was in a better place and eternal. All that mattered was she was dead.

And Fox ran.

Standing in the patch of sun, hugging the urn of my daughter’s ashes, I tried to cry. I wanted to rain tears on the field just like the sky had before. I wanted to let every crushing thing inside out.

But nothing happened. I just existed in hell.

An image of a new child filled my mind. Instead of a little girl, I pictured a boy. An innocent infant who would never know his big sister. The picture stabbed my heart. I didn’t want him. I didn’t want the responsibility of loving something more than life itself only to run the risk of losing him just like Clara.

I didn’t have the strength. My life had hit rewind and replay, leaving me at the beginning again with endless heartache, no future, and a baby growing inside me.

A horse flicked its tail and cantered forward. The burst of life cast away my worry of the future, and I turned inward. I wasn’t ready, but it was time to say goodbye.

Closing my eyes, I whispered, “I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you were still here. I can’t go on without you. I can’t live without you near. How am I supposed to go on, Clara? How am I supposed to survive?”

The build-up of emotion crushed my head until I thought I’d explode. Opening my eyes, I stroked the urn, tracing the explosion of stars on the glazed porcelain.

“I’ll never forget your perfect laugh or your smiling face. I’ll never stop loving your silly jokes or your warm embrace. I’ll always be here for you even though you’re gone. Until the day we meet again, until my life is done.”

Clue came to my side, jerking me back to the present. I looked behind me. Only Ben stood sentry. The rest of the congregation had gone. How long had I been standing there, hugging the last remains of my daughter?

“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

“It’s time to let her go, Zelly.” Clue laid a hand on the top of mine. “We can do it together.”

A low moan rose in my throat, but I allowed Clue to unlatch my arms and share the weight of the urn. I wanted to stop her. I wanted to curl up on the ground and petrify like a fossil curled around Clara’s ashes, but Clue didn’t give me a choice.

Her eyes met mine, spilling with tears. “She’ll be happier with the horses, Zel. Don’t make her stay in such a small, dark place.” She sniffed as a fresh wave of tears trickled down her beautiful face. “It’s time.”

It took everything I had not to break down and unravel. To tear the jar from her and leap onto a horse’s back and gallop far away. Run from this reality. Pretend it wasn’t true.

Placing one hand on the bottom of the jar and the other cradling the top, I waited for Clue to do the same. She leaned in and kissed my cheek before nodding.

My heart stopped beating as together we tipped the urn upside down.

A grey cloud fell like icing sugar, and my heart went from dead to thudding like crazy. A gust of wind captured the fine dust, whipping it upward in a delicate dance. I bit my lip as Clara embraced the wind and soared toward the horses. The breeze swooped between the legs of a palomino before spiralling upward in a mini tornado and scattering in all directions.

Clue sucked in a shaky breath, and we squeezed each other, both feeling awed rather than sad. Awed because for one tiny second, I swore I heard Clara’s laugh.

“You’re too precious for this world. You’ll be called back to somewhere far better than here.”

My heart squeezed with never ending love for a soul I would see again when it was my turn to join her.

“She’ll be happy here,” Clue said.

I turned my face toward the sun, letting the warmth thaw my chilled and grief-stricken heart. A horse nickered. And I found a small smidgen of peace.

For the first time since she died in my arms, I stopped being crushed by pain. I could breathe a little easier. Handle life a little better knowing that her body might’ve left but her goodness and rightness and perfect little innocence would be with me always. “I know she will.”

I didn’t know how long we stood there, but eventually the sun returned to hide behind the clouds and the chill of the breeze bit through my black dress.

Together, Clue and I turned to go back to the car.

Ben enveloped us in a hug when we reached him. His masculine smell of Old Spice hurt my heart thinking of another man. A man who hadn’t shown up to say goodbye.

How could he? I’d nursed hope that he’d show. That he would put aside his wrongness and issues and come to honour Clara’s life.

He was never normal and I fell in love with a fraud.

Ben kissed my cheek, whispering, “He’s here. Been here the entire time.”

I froze, looking into his dark eyes. My body sparked, throbbing with energy after a week of dullness. “Where?”

He conspicuously cocked his head to the small hill to the right. Sure enough, a black splodge broke the perfection of green sweeping grass.

My hands balled and I wanted nothing more than to run up the hill and punch him. I wanted him to feel the pain I did. The knife clipped in my hair could find another home lodged in his lifeless heart.

I gritted my teeth. “I don’t want to see him.”

Clue shook her head. “You need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You need to listen to what he has to say, Zel.”

I frowned, pissed at her. “Why are you on his side all of a sudden? If I told you what he’s done—”

“Maybe I should tell you what he’s done.” Clue grabbed my arm. “Zel, he was the one who found this piece of land. He was the one who called me and told me he’d pay for all the arrangements, including the exclusive use of the fields.”

My heart ceased to beat. Confusion swirled making me feel slightly sick. He’d meddled. He’d contributed to her funeral all without my knowledge. I couldn’t untangle how that made me feel. “What? Why?”

She sighed. “I thought it was obvious. He loves you.”

My eyes widened as a sharp shock travelled through my heart. A tug, a bolt of aliveness reminded me I couldn’t live with the ghost of my daughter. I couldn’t live in a world of tears and sorrow. I belonged with the present and it killed me all over again at the thought of walking away from Clara and moving on without her.

“He needs you, mummy. Don’t be mad.”

I shook my head. “That’s not possible.” He doesn’t know the meaning of love. How could a man who couldn’t even be touched understand the meaning of unconditional love? He loved Clara. I hated that I stabbed a hole in my own conclusions. He was capable, and beneath the issues, he was kind and sweet and eager to please.

Shit.

Fire filled my body, making me steam with rage for everything I couldn’t change.

Clue scowled, temper staining her cheeks. “Well, if you feel that strongly, you need to say goodbye. End it properly. Otherwise it will haunt you. And you owe him a thank you at least.”

Ben captured Clue, dragging her against him. “No need to get upset, little fortune cookie. I know you’re hurting, but you can’t force Zel to be with someone just because you don’t want her to be alone.”

My eyes shot to Ben’s. He gave me a small smile. I didn’t know how to react. I liked that he had my back, but I didn’t like that he saw me weak and needing someone to ‘save’ me. Did they think I’d do something stupid now Clara was gone?

I wanted to scream: I can’t do anything reckless. I can’t forfeit my life to sadness because I’m fucking pregnant.

But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to focus on that hiccup yet. My thoughts belonged to Clara. It was treason to think and make plans without her. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be so heartless and forget her so quickly.

Pursing my lips together, I looked over Ben’s shoulder and flinched.

The black spot on the hill stood upright and came toward us. I cursed the flutter in my stomach. I threatened to cut out my eager heart. I shouldn’t love someone who ran when I needed him most. I couldn’t condone his actions. I wouldn’t live with a man who couldn’t touch. He needed serious help, and I wasn’t the woman who would heal him. I wasn’t strong enough.

Clue and Ben drifted away, leaving me exposed and waiting for Fox to arrive.

“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

I wished Clara’s voice would stop. She sounded so wise. Pushing me into solutions I wasn’t ready to accept. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted her to come back to life so I could pretend the world was perfect and never cruel.

He stopped a foot away, grey-white eyes as bleak as any snowstorm. “I had to come. I had to say goodbye to her.”

I stayed silent, not trusting myself to be able to speak without screaming or crying.

He moved forward a step. “Zel. I’m so unbelievably sorry. I can’t ever express how much I wish I could rewind time.” He looked like a black mountain, shuddering occasionally with grief. “I know you’ll never forgive me, but I had to see you. Had to talk to you and explain.”

I studied him. His face held shadows of bruises, his jaw slightly puffy. He’d been in another fight—searching for a way out of this hell. His black jacket and trousers swallowed the brightness of the day. He’d always favoured black and now I knew why. He was death incarnate. Everything he touched turned to ruin.

I flinched, dropping my gaze. I couldn’t look at him.

“He needs you. Don’t be mad.”

Even now, Clara was driving me insane.

Fox came forward. “Please. I know how hard this must be for you. Let me explain.”

Anger exploded out of me. “Explain? Explain?” My broken heart rallied in my chest, throwing off melancholy and thrumming hot and furious. “How about I explain? You. Left. Me. You ran when I needed you the most.” I waved my hand, wanting to hit him. “Your promises of wanting us—of working to deserve us—it was all bullshit. You never changed. You watched my little girl die—the same girl you’d hoped would cure you—and you ran because there was nothing else for you to stay for.”

All the greyness and sadness inside me suddenly erupted into gold sparks. I shoved him back with a finger to his sternum. “What do you want me to say, Fox? That I’m sorry you’re hurting. That I’m sorry you fell in love with her only to have her gone so soon?” I threw my hands up. “Do you want me to forgive you for leaving me shattered and all alone in your office? That it didn’t fucking ruin me that I had to cry into Oscar’s arms, or Ben’s and never yours? How about the fact that no matter what you promise you always break them! You’ll never be able to give me what I need. You’ll never be able to hold me or even sleep beside me.”

Everything angry and crazy inside suddenly simmered, like a hurricane that ran out of puff. I sighed heavily. “I don’t know what you want from me, Fox. And frankly, I don’t care.”

“Don’t fight with him, mummy. He’s hurting. Same as you.”

I hated that Clara’s voice had become my conscience. I hated that what she said was true. And I hated that no matter what I said or did, I couldn’t ignore her. I would never be able to ignore my daughter.

The image of the little boy came again, and I knew I owed it to Fox to tell him. He deserved to know. I couldn’t steal another family member from him—I wasn’t that cruel. He may have destroyed me, but I wouldn’t be responsible for ruining him further. He didn’t need my help with that.

Fox dragged a hand through his bronze hair, looking up the hill to where I’d scattered Clara’s remains.

“Fuck, this is all so twisted. I hate myself for everything I’ve done to you.” His jaw clenched, and moisture glistened in his eyes. “If you only knew how much I hate myself. How much I want to sacrifice my entire life just so you never have to feel such pain.”

His big body shuddered; his shoulders rolled and his destitution turned my spent rage into wistful longing. Clara was right. He was hurting. Badly.

He’d been alone—dealing with Clara’s death without anyone’s support. He’d done who knew what to find some sort of peace and I couldn’t be angry anymore. I couldn’t hate him for the sins he’d caused because ultimately, he wasn’t responsible.

Forgiveness.

It was like a drug, warming me, soothing me. Turning all my anger into grudging acceptance. I knew if he reached out to hug me, I would forgive him. If he could wrap his arms around me and give me a sanctuary to cry in, I would forgive him for everything.

A hug would grant me hope.

A hug would show me promise.

But asking him to hug me was like asking for the moon. It wasn’t possible, and he couldn’t be who I needed him to be. The vicious circle was complete. It was time to share the news I hadn’t told anyone and walk away. If he wanted to be part of the child’s life, I wouldn’t stop him. But I couldn’t share anymore of mine with Roan Fox. I couldn’t set myself up for more heartbreak.

Bracing my back, I said, “Fox, I’m—”

Fox launched forward, bringing the scent of smoke and metal. He smelled of salt too—of tears and sadness. My heart squeezed into a small ball at the thought of him grieving all alone.

His eyes flashed. “Stop calling me that, goddammit,” he growled. “How many times do I need to tell you to call me Roan? Clara did. She understood why I needed her to call me that.” He dragged hands through his hair looking weary and worn. “Fuck, Zel. Fox is gone. He’s dead. I killed him three nights ago when I tried to change my past. I never want to hear you say that name again.”

Anger bubbled over again. He’d ignored my heartfelt confession and jumped straight back to what he needed. The selfish bastard. “What you want? What about what I want?” I laughed harshly. “You left me when I needed you the most. You. Ran. Away. You can’t touch, you can’t love, you can’t even be there for me. Why should I remember to never call you Fox when I have no intention of ever seeing you again?”

He moved suddenly. His large hands on my shoulders detonated my skin with bolts of power and awareness just like when we first touched. It crackled, it burned—whizzing through my nervous system, keeping me locked beneath his grip.

I sucked in a breath, humming with so many different things. My shocked gaze met his haunted icy eyes. His skin was ashen, cheekbones standing in stark relief. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. But beneath the haunted pallor, he shone with the connection. He felt it, too. He burned the same as me. “Feel that? It’s fate. We’re meant to be together. Please, Zel. Don’t you know? Don’t you know how much I fucking care for you? How much I miss you? I didn’t run; I went to find redemption. And I can touch. I’m touching you now.” He sucked in a breath, leaning in close, sending more jolts through my blood. “I’m here. For you. For her. Forever if you’ll have me. Just please—forgive me.”

“He’s not a bad man. I love him, so he’s not a bad man.”

My knees wobbled and thoughts flew out of my head. I rolled my shoulders under his grip, wanting him far away. I couldn’t handle what he invoked in me. I couldn’t succumb yet again. He wasn’t safe. To my safety or my sanity. “How can you say that? Do you honestly think I could come back to you? Even if I could forgive you for running, it doesn’t stop the fact that you can’t give me what I need. You’re a danger to everyone who gets close to you. Every adult, child, and baby—if they touch you wrong, you’ll kill them.”

I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t let him near his child as I would never be able to trust him. My heart hammered against my ribs in horror. I’m having your child and I can’t tell you as I don’t trust you not to kill it.

His face twisted, darkening with anger. “I can’t live without you, dobycha.”

My eyes flew wide. “Don’t call me that. I’m not your prey. I’m your fucking equal and—” I didn’t know what else to say. My shoulders rolled and I muttered, “Even if I did want—” I slashed a hand across my face, so heavy and tired. “You destroyed me, Fox, and now I want you to let me go.”

How could love be so wrong?

How could it all be for nothing?

Raising my head again, I shut myself down. I needed to get away from him so I could go back to mourning Clara. “Leave me alone, please. I don’t want to discuss this. Today isn’t about us. It’s about Clara. And you have no respect to her memory by making me fight with you.”

Fox bared his teeth; his hands clamped harder on my shoulders. I shivered as another wave of tension and rain of energy lit me up from the inside out.

“Respect? You don’t think I have respect? I have so much fucking respect for you it scares me. You have a power over me that you don’t even know. And today is a perfect day to clear the air because Clara didn’t want us fighting. She wanted us to be happy.”

“Don’t you dare use Clara against me!” Furious tears sprang to my eyes. I couldn’t believe his nerve.

He shook his head. His thumbs rubbed my shoulders; every sweep was like a tiny bomb restarting my heart, reminding me what he had was unique and way too special to destroy.

Fox pressed his face against mine, giving me no choice but to see the soul deep pain inside him. “I’ll never be able to tell you how much I loved your daughter and how much she cured me. I’ll never be able to show the depth of my hatred for myself for leaving you when you needed me most. I’ll never have the words to beg for your forgiveness and be worthy. But I need you, Hazel. I thought I could walk away and let you go, but I can’t. I need you too damn much. You make me feel alive. You make my fucking heart beat for the first time, and I’m not going to give that up.

“No matter how you fight me, I will never stop. Every day, I’ll try again and again. Every hour, I’ll touch you, just to prove I’m willing to be everything you need and deserve. You’ll never be free of me because I can’t live another day without you in my fucking life.”

I wanted.

I desired.

I wanted to buckle and let him sweep me away.

He’ll kill your unborn baby. He ran when Clara died. You can’t do this.

My entire body vibrated; I couldn’t control myself. Snarling, I hissed, “You used us. You bought me, and you fell for Clara, but it was all to fix you. It was all about you. Fucking you. You, you, you.

“All your talk of never letting me go because you can’t live without me. All your promises that you can be worthy. It’s all still about you!

“What about me and Clara—what we needed? I gave you everything, including my daughter, and what has it done for me?”

I tore out of his grip and shoved a finger in his face. “I’ll tell you what it’s done for me. It’s shown me I’m better off on my own. You have no choice in the matter. I won’t allow you to touch me or chase me or hope for a second chance. It’s over!”

The image of the little boy swamped me again. I knew in my bones I carried a son. His son. The son I would raise on my own. The son he wouldn’t know about as he was too volatile, too fucked-up to trust.

“You’re not safe. I’m not going to put myself in harm’s way anymore. I’m done, Fox. You need to forget about me.”

I hated every word. Half of me believed them, the other half wanted to wash my mouth out. I spun lies just like my past, mixing with truth until I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

“Don’t fight, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”

I almost folded in two as my heart tore itself into pieces.

“Fuck, Hazel.” Fox sucked in an unsteady breath, dragging shaky hands through his hair. “Please. Let me show you. I’ve changed. Let me tell you where I went. I’ll never hurt you again. Just please—don’t walk away and make me lose you, too. I won’t fucking survive it. And I’ve survived too much to let you give up on me. I won’t fucking let you!”

My heart wanted to believe him. I wished I could forgive and trust him, but I was empty. He’d used up all my reserves. The fight had drained me. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. There was nothing left. I couldn’t fall back into old patterns and keep hoping he was safe. I didn’t want to live in fear of touching him or never having sex without bondage.

I’m pregnant.

I had to think of the fragile life inside me, not just his needs and my own. I had to be strong.

Straightening my back, I said, “You don’t have the choice. You lost me the moment you left.”

Swallowing hard, I looked at him, committing him to memory. He looked like he’d been to war and not come back. With bronze hair and a body scarred with tales, he’d proven too broken to fix. I could’ve spent an entire lifetime trying to piece him back together and never figured out the complete picture.

Boundless grief squeezed me.

“Stop fighting. Forgive him.”

Fox lost the element of fighter, letting me see the truth for the first time. Beneath the scar and anger he was terrified, lost, and all alone. My heart broke all over again.

“Zel. Please. Tell me how I can fix this.”

I couldn’t do this anymore. He was like a black-hole sucking all my energy until I swayed in the wind.

God, Clara. I miss you so much. I need you here. I need you to repair the mess I’ve made.

“Fix it? How can you fix it? Are you a necromancer and can bring back my daughter? Can you heal my broken heart? Can you stop this awful eclipse inside me?”

He hung his head, gritting his teeth. His muscular arms wrapped around himself, holding tight.

My fingers twitched to reach for him, to wipe away the lone tear that trickled down his face. He looked so broken. Throbbing with agony, living with the twin of my pain. We were two halves of a shattered circle. Microscopic pieces that couldn’t survive without the other. And I wouldn’t survive if I gave into him. Fate had screwed us over.

It was time to end this once and for all.

With shaky hands, I pushed aside my long hair and unclasped the necklace from around my throat. Clara’s star sat above my own, clinking together ever since the hospital gave me back her belongings.

“Can I give Roan my star? I can’t take it with me.”

I sucked in a breath, battling my tears. She wanted Fox to have it. I would honour her wish.

Pooling the silver into my palm, I held my hand out. “Here. She wanted you to have this.”

Fox’s eyes fell on the necklace and a feral, heart-wrenching noise erupted from his chest. Something exploded inside him and he hurled himself at me. Large arms wrapped around my body, squeezing me tight.

Life ended.

Then began again.

Noise ceased.

Then came again.

Heat froze.

Then enveloped again.

Sorrow disappeared.

Then settled again.

I left behind Hazel Hunter the second his arms clutched me against him. I became nothing more than a woman adored by a man so deeply destroyed he would never be perfect.

Every spark that existed between us fried my brain, kick-started my heart, and consumed my senses. I breathed in smoke and metal. I pressed against firm muscle and body heat. I was nothing but his.

His.

His.

His.

I was alive, wanted, worshipped. I believed his promises. He would never run again. He would fight beside me and love me always.

I broke.

Tears cascaded into a soul-grieving waterfall. I stood mute and frozen in his arms as Clara filled my thoughts.

“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

The breeze twirled around us and I swore I heard her whisper, “I’m glad you’re not fighting anymore. Don’t fight, mummy. Save him.”

“Hug me back,” Fox murmured, pressing a kiss on my ear. His lips sent tingles and love right into my heart. It didn’t feel right falling so deeply only moments after my daughter’s funeral. Propriety and heartbreak tried to stop me from reeling into a future where I might just learn how to be happy.

Fox squeezed me harder, kissing the salty tears running down my face. “Hug me, goddammit. I need you to touch me. I need to show you I can be who you deserve. I need to know I haven’t ruined everything.”

“He needs you, mummy.”

With Clara in my thoughts, I tentatively raised my arms and looped them around his back. The moment I touched him, he tensed.

I froze, battling hope and fear inside me. He said I had a power over him. That wasn’t true. He had a power over me: he could snap my spine and steal my life and in that very moment I wouldn’t have cared. His arms were an aphrodisiac, a heady promise that made me sacrifice my life all too easily.

Fox’s body shuddered around mine, feeling like a taut string about to snap. “Hug me harder. I can do this,” he whispered. He sounded strangled, out of breath.

When I didn’t obey, he clutched me tighter. “Do it, Zel.”

Thinking of Clara and how much I wished it was her I hugged, I wrapped my arms harder, banding like a prison around his waist. If he killed me at least I would be with her sooner than I’d planned. I could stop fighting for everything that I wanted and just rest.

Fox shuddered, stiffened, jerked, but he kept his promise and didn’t hurt me. His biceps twitched against my arms as he gathered me even closer, as if he could weld us together.

My mind swam with connection; my body sparked and tripped everywhere he touched. Now I knew what it felt like touching your perfect other—the missing half.

Fox nuzzled my neck, his hot breath caressing me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I left because it was the only option. I did it to keep you safe—to give you a future. I want to deserve you, Zel, and never put you at risk again. I know I’ll never deserve you, but let me serve you with my life. Let me spend every day trying to be better so one day you can love me.”

My legs threatened to buckle as weakness filled me. Weakness for what he offered. Weakness for needing him.

I do love you and that’s what cripples me.

With my last reserves, I tried to stop the inevitable. “You were meant to help me save her. You were meant to save me.” I sucked in a breath, running out of oxygen as grief took me hostage once more. “You—you—” My voice broke and my heart died all over again. “You were supposed to save both of us, yet you didn’t. She died, Roan. She’s—she’s—she’s gon—” I couldn’t finish as massive sobs exploded from my lungs.

A week I’d cried but I hadn’t found comfort in tears. I hadn’t found peace or a place to heal.

But now I did.

It felt caustic and healing and purifying.

Tidal wave after tidal wave.

I let go.

My heart broke, and I crumbled. I let everything free and drenched his black shirt.

Fox held me, giving me somewhere to cling. He smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek and fed me strength just by holding me.

He gave me what I needed all along. He smashed all my reservations that he couldn’t give me what I desired and proved love could change anyone—no matter how destroyed.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmured. He rocked me until my legs gave out, then scooped me into his strong arms.

I barely noticed I went from vertical to horizontal as my mind wept for everything I’d lost. Fox cuddled me close just like I’d wanted and dreamed for. His heartbeat thudded thick and loud beneath my ear, giving me an anchor to focus on.

“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”

“I’m here and I’m never leaving. You don’t have to fight on your own anymore, Zel.” His voice rumbled in his chest, sending shockwaves through my body.

My eyes filled with fire. A pain that burned and stabbed and lacerated as I cried and cried and cried. The eternity of relief he granted turned me from woman to puddle. The knowledge that my battles were halved; that every high and low would now be shared sent another crash of sorrow over me.

If only I’d met him sooner. If only the doctors had found out about Clara sooner. If only…if only.

“I’ll give you everything, Zel. Everything that I am.” He kissed my jaw, my temple, my cheek. He worshipped me in kisses. “Please. Don’t make me beg. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from you. I can’t. I need you so fucking much.”

My back ached; every part of me was in pain. I was utterly ruined.

Tilting my chin upward, Fox pressed his lips against mine, drinking in the salt from my tears. He murmured against my mouth, “You’re mine, and I refuse to live without you.” He made me swallow every regret, every sadness he lived with. “You’re mine, Hazel Hunter. And I’m taking you home to heal.”

“He needs you, mummy. Go with him. Don’t be sad.”

My entire body vibrated with a potent mix of confusion, anger, and hunger. Hunger for him. Hunger for what he promised.

He didn’t wait for my reply. His tongue speared into my mouth, giving me no choice but to kiss him back. He took and he gave and he consumed, dragging unwilling desire through my blood until it throbbed in my core. He brought me back to life even though I wanted to stay wallowing in my tears. I wasn’t ready to face life without Clara. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to embrace the world he offered or the baby growing inside me.

I’m not ready.

“Please,” he whispered. His breath tickled my cheek and my traitorous body hummed. He helped dull the pain of Clara. He gave me something else to focus on.

Forgive him. Accept him.

I pulled back.

His eyes were glazed and heavy. His body wrapped around mine as if he could protect me from so many other tragic things. Almost every part of me touched every part of him. How was that possible?

Sniffing back my tears, I asked, “How can you stand to be this close?”

He shook his head. “I’ll tell you if you come home with me.”

I wanted to say no. I deserved to live in misery. I didn’t deserve any chance at happiness. Why should a parent outlive her child?

But my trials in life had taught me nothing lasted forever and the best things were fleeting—treasures to be enjoyed for however long they lasted before they were gone. Clara was too precious—too perfect to last. I’d been granted a miracle and it had ended before I was ready.

“Don’t be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

I looked over Fox’s shoulder at the horses in the field. They tossed their manes, and pawed the ground, welcoming my daughter and granting her immortality. “Okay, Clara. Okay.”

Clara taught me precious things were worth fighting for. And the ultimate prizes of life demanded payments that sometimes seemed too high.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Fox looked as if the sun had finally found its way into his soul. “Okay?”

I nodded. “Okay, I’ll come home with you. For Clara. For us.”

This was the man I was in love with.

The father of my unborn child.

The man I wouldn’t give up on.

It turned out Clue and Ben knew my decision before me. They’d left, leaving me stranded and pissed off at their blatant disregard for my choices. Clue didn’t know what Fox was capable of. I doubted they would’ve been so keen to abandon me with a man with such a tangled past had they known.

I glared at Fox’s innocent look as he carried me to his Porsche. I had no doubt he had something to do with Clue and Ben leaving with no qualms to my safety.

Then my heart melted at the thought of him securing such an amazing place for Clara to find peace. He’d been thinking of her, even when he’d left.

“Thank you,” I said as Fox placed me ever so gently into the expensive car and buckled me in. A gust of chocolate caught me from his hair; my stomach fluttered with how attentive and caring he was.

“For what?” He stood upright, the grey clouds framing his black-clad body.

“For this.” I nodded at the field and the horses. “For caring enough. For giving her a piece of yourself.”

He rolled his shoulders and sniffed. Avoiding my eyes, he said, “I wanted to make her dreams come true. I thought if she was placed here, she’d eventually become part of the horse, evolve into…more. Become what she always wanted.”

My throat closed up, and I dropped my eyes. Who was this man? This damaged, scarred, enigma of a man? I loved the thought of Clara evolving—always happy. I loved his reasoning behind his choice of resting spot.

I didn’t take my eyes off Fox as he walked around the front of the car and climbed into the driver’s side. He moved with a heavy blanket of sadness around his shoulders—muted and solemn.

The engine roared then purred as he turned the key. He glanced over. “Ready?”

Never.

Panic clawed back and it took all my willpower to stay in the car.

The rock lodged in my throat again but I nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Fox grimaced and put the car into gear.

We didn’t say a word as he negotiated the dirt track down to the road. Every metre my heart suffocated more and more. I’m leaving her behind!

Fuck, it was hard. So hard.

At the end of the field path, Fox climbed out and undid the gate. His back flexed as he dragged the barricade across mud. Returning to the car, he drove through, shut the large metal behind us, and turned left onto tarmacked highway.

Tears glazed my eyes as the sun broke through the clouds again, shining light on the hills behind us. I never wanted to leave. Never wanted to think about Clara all alone in a field with no shelter. I should’ve built a tent, a shrine, something to grant her safety.

She doesn’t need anything. She’s gone.

Tears pressed again. As much as it killed me—I had to remember she was above physical needs. She was free.

Fox smiled in my direction, but we didn’t say anything. Both too raw, too hurt knowing that the little soul that’d brought us closer together would no longer be with us.

Speeding toward civilization, I balled my hands and tried to keep my nerves to a minimum. Every kilometre, I slunk further and further into my seat. I didn’t want to return to Obsidian. I didn’t think I would survive walking into the house where Clara had drawn her last breath. I never wanted to step foot in that place again.

The tension in the car throbbed and my skin was hyper-sensitive for his touch. After staring death in the face, I needed reminding of life. I needed to believe that Clue was right and there was such a thing as reincarnation or a better life. I needed Fox to remind me that I couldn’t give up.

Fox slowed for a traffic light. His hand disappeared into his pocket and pulled out Clara’s star necklace.

I sucked in a huge breath. The tinkling pieces of my heart rattled in my chest as he reverently clasped it around his neck. He stroked the silver, a look of love and misery on his face.

I looked away, unable to bear the sharp arrows of sadness piercing my soul. The pain of her death was shared—by a man who’d known her for such a little time. A man I still didn’t really know.

The light turned green and Fox sighed heavily. Throwing the car into gear, we zoomed down roads and through suburbs I didn’t recognise.

Kilometre after kilometre, we remained in silence. Either too wrapped up in Clara to risk speaking or figuring out if our argument had cleared the air enough to start anew.

He looked so odd, so fierce, wearing a simple silver star. Up till now, the only adornment he wore were his scars and tattoos, but I knew in my heart he would never take it off. Every time I looked at him wearing it, I would remember her. Just as it should be.

“Where did you go?” I asked as we travelled down roads and through city mania.

He glanced at me, his knuckles turning white around the steering wheel. “I went to deal with something.”

A chill sent goosebumps down my back. “You were in another fight.”

“What makes you say that?”

I shrugged. I couldn’t explain the change in him when he fought—the ease, or relief from whatever demons he suffered. Yet, this time, he seemed lighter—more grounded than I’d ever seen him. “You seem different.” He was…softer. His grey-white eyes weren’t as haunted, as if he’d decided finally to put his past behind him.

“Do you know why I fight? Can you understand the need to find an outlet from internal pain?” He looked over quickly before focusing again on the road.

“Yes. I can understand that.”

“Can you understand when I say fighting to me is a medicine? But it’s the pain that’s my salvation. I self-harm because I haven’t found any other way to free the darkness inside.”

He reached across and stole my right hand, squeezing hard. “I’ve self-harmed for a very long time. I hate it. It fills me with shame, but as much as I want to stop, I can’t. I can’t promise I’ll be able to give it up entirely, but from now on, I’m going to try and find some other way.”

He smiled. “Clara helped with that, too.”

“How?” I barely whispered, too captivated by learning more behind his mask.

“Because her death has given me an unlimited supply of pain. I only need to think of her, and the urge to self-mutilate disappears.”

I didn’t know how to reply. I hated the thought of him using Clara’s memory to avoid hurting himself. Was he tainting her memory by using it for selfish reasons? But then again, I was pleased she continued to help beyond the grave.

“Don’t fight. He needs you.”

Clara’s lyrical voice came and went. I asked, “You didn’t just go to fight, though. Did you?” There was a difference in him. A tightness and barely found tranquillity.

“No. I went to see someone. To say goodbye to a past I never wished I lived.” Fox squeezed my fingers once more, before placing his hand on the wheel. “I went back to Russia.”

My heart raced as my mind filled with images of snow and ice.

“I killed the men who made me like this. I decided to stop relying on others to fix me and find a cure myself.”

Had he done what I’d hoped all along? Had something snapped and fallen from his mind? Hope blazed, chasing away the black cloud of mourning for a wonderful moment. “Is that why you could hug me? You can touch?” I ignored the voice telling me he’d tensed and vibrated with energy when I’d hugged him back. “You’re free?”

His shoulders slumped; he smiled sadly. “Not free, but better.”

I hated the desolation in his eyes. He looked guilty, as if he’d done something wrong by returning to me only marginally repaired. He couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact that he’d tried to heal meant wonders.

“Can I touch you?”

His eyes flew to mine. His jaw clenched but he nodded slowly.

Very carefully, I laid a palm on the hard heat of his left thigh. “I’m so proud of you. I know that sounds strange to say, but you took control and you should celebrate your progress rather than hate that it isn’t cured completely.”

His eyes flashed and he leaned over to press a gentle kiss against my lips. “I swear I could live a thousand fucking years and not deserve you.” Pulling away, he turned into a driveway of a gated property right on the esplanade of Narrabeen. The suburb boasted huge modern architecture, all new and sparkling, and right across the road from the beach.

I blinked as he pressed a remote and the gate rolled open. The house was a two-story white and glass design. The ocean crashed behind us, sounding like muted thunder, welcoming us onto the property. The large double garage door opened, granting shade and a huge concrete home for Fox’s Porsche.

“Where—where are we?” The Northern Beaches were on the opposite end of town to Obsidian. I’d lost all bearings while driving through the city.

Does he own this, too?

I flicked a glance at the man I’d agreed to return home with. How much did I truly know of him?

Nothing.

I didn’t know his favourite foods, or pet peeves, or even his birthday. I didn’t know if he was allergic to anything or how many assets he owned. I’d given him my life all because he proved he could love so fiercely.

And I’m pregnant with his child.

“See, mummy. He needs you after all. He needs someone to love.”

Clara’s voice once again suffocated my lungs. She’d taken up residence in my head, and I never wanted her to leave. Even if it was me telling myself what I needed to hear.

“This is incredible.”

Fox smiled, pulling to a stop inside the garage. “It couldn’t get any more different from Obsidian. I never want to see another gargoyle again.”

I nodded, eternally grateful that I wouldn’t have to enter the dwelling where Clara had died. There was nothing foreboding about this place. It looked welcoming, pristine. A fresh beginning.

Turning off the ignition, Fox said, “We’re home.”

I froze in my seat as a rainbow of emotion filled me: happiness, heartache, hope—all overshadowed by grief. Clara would never see this. She’d never know the massive impact she had on this man.

Turning to face him, I whispered, “I don’t understand.”

Fox gave a half smile and climbed out of the car. Coming around the bonnet, he opened my door and helped me clamber upright. “There’s a lot you won’t understand until I grow some balls and tell you. What I shared in my basement is nothing compared to the involved story—but for now, all you need to know is I bought this two days ago. The moment I found the piece of land for Clara, I found the perfect house for us. I couldn’t return to the club. I need to get away from violence—to try and fix myself once and for all.”

He’d done so much—all behind the scenes while I’d cried myself into a stupor.

“What did you do with Obsidian?”

He smiled. “I sold it to Oscar. He practically ran it himself anyway. I’ve sold it to him for a rock bottom price.” He laughed. “Let’s just say he got a steal.”

My eyes widened at the joviality—so odd coming from Fox. “What steal?”

Aliveness flashed in his eyes for the first time. “I made him give me ten dollars and an oath that he will never talk to me about it, or mention the name Obsidian Fox again, and the club was all his.”

My mind whirled. How could he do that? How much wealth did he have? My eyes narrowed, trying to decipher the conundrum in front of me. “Just who are you?”

He shrugged. “Do you want the long story or the short story?”

Oh, God. I didn’t know if I should be terrified or excited to find out every skeleton in his closet. “Short story, for now.”

“I’m wealthy. From an inheritance.” His jaw twitched—the only sign that it was a painful subject for him. “I can take care of you. I want to take care of you.”

I swallowed.

Fox reached out and dragged me close. His arms wrapped around my waist, forcing my hands to rest on his chest to keep my balance. Every part of me froze; my fingers itched to grab my hair-clip knife, just in case.

His nostrils flared and his face darkened, but he didn’t regress or terrify me. Bowing his head, he pressed his forehead against mine. “You asked me who I am. My name is Roan Averin. Forget you ever knew a man named Fox. He wasn’t a man. He was the product of a past he hated. I never thought I’d be able to use my full name again, but I want to. I want a new beginning. With you.”

My heart broke open and grew wings.

“Roan Averin.” The name sounded sweet on my tongue. A world apart from Obsidian Fox. “I like it.”

He huffed, body tensing as I trailed my fingertips up his chest to his throat.

“Can I?” I murmured, very aware of every muscle tightening inside him.

He squeezed his eyes, nodding.

Slowly, I grazed my fingers along his smooth jaw and cupped his cheeks. He trembled in my hold. Standing on tiptoe, I brushed the lightest of kisses over his lips. His forehead furrowed; teeth clenched.

The innocent kiss reminded me of how delicate he was with Clara, and I struggled to hold onto the moment where grief didn’t interrupt.

I dropped my hands and backed out of his grip. “It will get easier. You’ll see. I’ll help you.”

Am I talking about missing Clara or his condition?

He nodded. “I know. As long as I have you, I can get better. Just please, remember to call me Roan. It will help.”

I knew it would be hard to stop calling him Fox. It was the name of the man I fell for. But I saw how important it was to him. Fox had died with whatever he’d done in Russia, and I needed to obey his wishes to put the past where it belonged.

My eyes fell to the star in the hollow of his throat. “She could always see who you really were. She was so much better than me. Always saw the best in people. So trusting. Too trusting.” I had to stop as my throat closed, and my heart thudded a painful staccato.

Fox’s eyes glowed. “You were the same. I recognised something I needed in you the second I saw you. I didn’t know what it was, but stealing your knife and marching you up those steps was the best fucking thing I’ve done in my entire life.”

I laughed softly, trembling as he captured my chin. “You’ll never lose her, Zel. We’ll never stop talking about her or keeping her alive in our thoughts.”

Pulling away, he shoved a hand into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Handing it to me, he said, “Seeing as I’ve put so much in the past, to begin anew—this belongs to you.”

I took it, frowning. I opened the handwritten contract between Obsidian Fox and Hazel Hunter. My heart swooped and I met his eyes.

Roan murmured, “Tear it up. That man no longer exists.”

He was asking me to rip up the past. Walk away from everything bad that had happened and embrace a future together.

With trembling fingers, I obeyed. The sound of shredding paper echoed off the garage walls.

Roan went to take my hand, but I pulled back. “Wait.”

I bit my lip as I reached into my dress pocket and pulled out the thing I was terrified of. The thing I’d stolen from Fox the day I knocked him out with the small wolf statue on his side-board. Nestled in a piece of tissue paper sat the blue pill.

I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was poison. I also knew Fox had moments of weakness where he might’ve done something irreversible.

I stole it to prevent him doing something recklessly stupid.

“Here. This belongs to you.”

Grabbing it, he unwrapped the suicide pill. His face darkened; eyes narrowed. “Why the fuck do you have this?” Anger blazed across his features. “Do you know how dangerous this is? What the hell were you think—” Then panic replaced his fear and his fingers dug into my elbow. “You weren’t going…please tell me you weren’t thinking of using this. For fuck’s sake, Zel. What were you going to do?”

I jerked back, hot temper filling me at his wrong conclusion. “You thought I’d be weak enough to kill myself? How could you think that? I may have lost my daughter, but I haven’t lost my mind!”

“Then why do you have it?” Roan bundled up the tissue, clenching his fist.

“Because I didn’t want to walk in on you dead. I hated the thought that you couldn’t stomach living and would rather commit the biggest treason of all and kill yourself. I stole it from you as I didn’t want you to die!”

He moved forward a step, crowding me. “It still doesn’t explain what it’s doing in your fucking pocket.”

I shouted right in his face. “Ever since I took it, I’ve been terrified of it. I didn’t know what to do.” The relief that came with no longer being responsible for such a dangerous thing quietened my anger. “I kept it taped to the underside of my bed to prevent anyone finding it by mistake. It haunted me, and I don’t want the responsibility anymore. I want you to destroy it.”

Without saying a word, Roan grabbed my hand and stalked toward the door leading into the house. He jangled a set of keys, trying to find the right one, never letting go of my hand. The moment he unlocked the door, he dragged me down the corridor and to a bathroom off a room that looked like a shadowed cinema.

The immaculate ensuite looked like a show home ready for viewing. Fluffy turquoise towels with sparkling silver tiles were so different to the black facilities at Obsidian.

“Can’t believe you’ve been walking around with this in your pocket.” Flipping open the lid of the toilet, he threw the tissue and pill into the basin. Flushing it, he snapped, “There. Gone. Now Fox is really dead, and it’s about fucking time you met Roan.”

I squealed as he scooped me off my feet and carted me up the wide white stairs to the second floor. I couldn’t see much in the whirlwind of speed, but everywhere I looked was white. Not one inch of black.

Kicking a door open, he prowled inside and gave me exactly one second to glance around the room.

White king-size bed covered in silky pillows that looked like pristine clouds. The huge expanse of glass welcomed the sand dunes and sea inside. The carpet was white, the bedside tables and small sitting area white.

Everywhere I looked white, white, white.

And then all I saw was black as Roan threw me on the bed and crushed me against the softness of duck down. I moaned as his body heat smothered me and for one joyous moment I let go of my grief and thought only of him. This man who’d turned my world upside down, back to front, inside out.

His hands went to the little pearl buttons of my dress, fumbling with the dainty buttonholes. His breathing accelerated, and he growled in frustration. His touch brought me crawling out of the fog of sorrow and latching onto life.

I grabbed the back of his head, whispering in his ear. “Tear it off. I never want to wear it again.”

“Thank God,” he groaned. His hands bunched the material and tore. The dress went from encasing my body to being ripped into pieces, laying scattered like death on all the perfect whiteness. His eyes dropped to my black underwear. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”

He bent over me, biting the swell of my breast with gentle teeth. “I’m going to love you every day. I’ll never get enough of these.” He cupped my breasts, brushing my pebbled nipples with his thumbs. “I’ll never get enough of this.” His right hand trailed down my stomach to cup between my legs.

I moaned as the possessive heat of his palm sent mini explosions in my blood.

My body welcomed the energy Roan conjured, but my mind skittered away. It was wrong to focus on myself. So wrong to thrill in life when Clara no longer had any.

I can’t do this.

I froze.

Roan’s hand dropped from me and he exhaled heavily. “Fuck. I’m an asshole.”

“No, you’re not.” I shook my head, cursing the trickle of tears seeping from my eyes. Would I ever be able to stomach the thought that Clara was no longer in my world?

Roan scooted backward, bringing me with him. I stood on my black dress and something sharp poked the bottom of my foot.

Bending to rub my sole, I found the My Little Pony badge from the funeral. I picked it up; the girlish horse design swirled with my tears.

My insides twisted until I no longer knew how to live. My heart had to relearn how to beat. My mind had to come to terms with loss. My body had to prepare itself to bring more life into the world.

There was too much. Too much sensation. Life was moving too fast, putting distance between me and Clara every second.

I looked up at Roan, begging him to fix it.

“Shit, Zel.” He dragged me against him and held me tight. His warmth helped comfort but at the same time reminded me Clara was no longer warm. I’d stolen her heat as she grew cold in my arms in his office.

My heart squeezed until I couldn’t breathe.

How can I move on when the guilt will kill me?

I didn’t know how long we stood there. But Roan never stopped stroking my hair. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be so strong. Let go. I’m here.” His voice soothed me, rough and masculine. He didn’t pull away, despite the damp patch growing beneath his shirt from the stress of holding me.

Finally, when my silent shudders had stopped, he disappeared and came back with a white bathrobe from the bathroom. Wrapping me tight, concealing my half-nakedness, he asked, “Can I show you something? It might make it a little easier.” His voice hitched. “Or it might make it fucking worse. I don’t know. I second guessed myself the entire time I did it.”

Trepidation prickled my spine. “Show me what?”

Pulling away, he captured my hand and dragged me from the room. We travelled down a short corridor before he turned a doorknob and pushed me into a snapshot of my past. I felt as if I walked through a time machine.

Clara.

Everywhere.

Huge canvases of her smiling, running, dancing. I couldn’t breathe. I was sure my heart ceased to beat. This must be the gateway to heaven.

Had I died from sadness?

I could sense her. Hear her laugh. Smell her apple scent.

Roan’s strong presence appeared on my right. “Are you okay?”

I barely nodded, too consumed with the blown up pictures of Clara. Her smile radiated, so full of life. “H—how?”

“Obsidian has security cameras. I went back through the footage and saved some shots to remind you she’ll always be here. Even if she’s gone.” He drifted forward, toward the largest picture decorating the walls. It was a portrait of me and Clara walking hand in hand in the gardens. Her purple ribbon had wrapped around my arm and we were laughing, trying to untangle ourselves.

All the air deflated from my body, but instead of collapsing in a waterfall of tears, I sighed with a strange mix of peace and nostalgia. Roan had stolen my daughter by falling in love with her but he’d given her back to me, too.

“I—I don’t know what to say.” I clutched my stomach, holding in the pain of missing her.

He smiled. His scar looked less angry, making him softer, tamer. “Don’t say anything. Whenever it gets too much, come in here and talk to her. She’ll always be with you.” He hung his head, trailing a fingertip over a horse statue I hadn’t noticed.

I spun, taking in the details of the room. In every corner rested bronze and copper horses from Roan’s collection at Obsidian.

“I know it’s stupid, but I hear her. In here.” Roan tapped his temple, then dropped his hand to his heart. “I feel her. In here.”

Oh, God.

Sadness, heartache, and overwhelming tragedy bubbled in my chest. Popping and fizzing until my insides rained with glistening tears. But my eyes stayed dry.

I stayed strong to accept the incredible gift Roan had given me.

“I hear her, too.” I moved forward, tracing a finger over a beautiful sun-drenched photo of Clara picking daisies. “I think I’ll always hear her.”

I couldn’t believe the scarred man before me was the same fighter who’d bought me for sex. He’d changed so much—yet still seemed the same.

I needed him. I needed to show him how grateful I was. How much he gave me. “Take me back to the bedroom,” I whispered.

Roan’s eyes widened. “We don’t have—”

I shook my head. “I want to.” The grief suddenly receded, leaving me blessedly light. Standing in the room surrounded by Clara, I found the strength to put aside my tears and celebrate what I’d gained rather than what I lost.

You need to tell him.

I needed to make it official and stop hiding from the future hurtling toward me. I needed to tell him about his son.

Roan’s shoulders bunched and he came slowly toward me. His lips thinned. “I want you, Zel. God knows how much I fucking want you.” He dropped his eyes, glaring at his fists. “But I’m still struggling inside. I want to be gentle. To hold you and make love to you. But…I won’t be able to and I don’t want to take you violently. Not today.”

My heart raced. I didn’t reply. What could I say? I accepted that and still wanted him. I wasn’t asking to be held while I cried and be rocked to sleep. I was asking to forget—for a short while.

Clara’s memory would still be there to mourn once I’d thanked Roan with all my heart.

“I understand. I need what you can give me. I need to be reminded of how to fight. I’m sick of tears.” Giving him one last look, I moved toward the door.

I didn’t wait for him to follow. Pacing down the corridor, I entered the white bedroom, already prickling with heat and regret. Could I celebrate life and accept everything the new pregnancy would offer? Could I put aside my grief for just a moment to spend time with my future, rather than my past?

My eyes fell on the fluffy, perfectly crafted sheep resting by the large windows.

Clara’s sheep.

Sunlight struck the bronze, dancing like tarnished rainbows onto the white carpet.

“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”

My heart died all over again but this time, it restarted with a slight thread of hope. Hope that I could survive and wouldn’t buckle beneath the loss.

Arms banded around me from behind. Roan’s hot breath caressed my neck as he nuzzled my ear. “I’ll stop. Just say the word and I’ll leave.”

I arched my back into him. “Take me. Make me come back to life.”

Roan groaned, picking me up and carrying me toward the bed. “I’ll never stop kissing you or loving you. I’ll never stop working hard to fucking deserve you.”

Settling me on the mattress, his body collapsed on mine. His knee forced my legs apart as he rested his fully-clad body against me. The bathrobe fell apart and his hand landed on my side, sending electric fire darting all over.

I’d never get used to the ferocious tingles or sharp connection when we touched.

“You’ll never be alone again, Zel. I’m all fucking yours.” His mouth captured mine. His smoky scent intoxicated me and every taste bud came alive as his sinful tongue entered my mouth. He stole every thought. Every tear. He made me focus on one thing only.

Him.

Passion unfurled in my stomach, heating me, thrilling me. I let myself be selfish and only focused on that moment. Not the future. Not the past. Not anything but the slickness of Roan’s tongue and the hard heat of him between my legs.

He angled his head, his lips sliding against mine. His tongue licked mine in a possessive dance echoing in my core.

My fingers itched to tug his hair, scratch his back. Something feral unlocked inside me and I craved connection. Craved a fight. I wanted to know I was still strong enough despite what had happened.

Roan’s hand cupped my throat, pinning me to the mattress. My eyes flew open as he stopped kissing me. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

My heart exploded at the icy intensity in his silver eyes. I swallowed as his fingers tightened. Instead of fearing him, I accepted it. I willingly gave myself into his power. After everything he’d done for me, he shouldn’t need confirmation. It was obvious.

“I’m yours. Through and through.”

I’m having your child.

His nostrils flared and he moved suddenly, climbing off the bed. The residual heat of his fingers around my neck sparked with erotic torture.

Grey-white eyes locked with mine as he tore off his t-shirt and stood, letting me feast on his skin. Clara’s silver star rested in the hollow of his throat and the spasm to my heart crippled me. I forced myself to stop looking and my eyebrows drew together, noticing the new scars mingling with old. Silver and red, along with purple and blue bruises.

Sitting upright, I traced the two large squares of gauze stuck to his side. “You’re hurt.” I looked up, asking silently what happened. Small pinpricks of blood had seeped through the bandage.

He shook his head. “Later. If you want to know, I’ll tell you.” His hands fell to his buckle and I swallowed hard. “But right now, I’m going to take you. I need to know you’re mine. So I can give you everything that I fucking am.”

My pussy clenched at the raw need in his voice. I couldn’t look away.

His stomach rippled, muscles dancing beneath ruined skin as he undid the button and pulled down the zipper. He let the material whisper down his legs before kicking them away. He stood proud and naked. So different to when I first met him.

My mouth watered to lick every inch. To taste him. To drink him in forever.

His hands twitched by his sides. “Take your bra off.” His voice was dark, husky, heavily accented—the Russian dialect he tried so hard to hide coming through.

Sitting up, I pulled the dressing gown off and unhooked my bra. It came away; I let the cups fall to the bed.

Roan’s eyes fell to my chest, licking his lips. He groaned and cupped himself. His cock jerked in his touch as he stroked sensitive flesh. “You’re the only woman my cock reacts to. All my life, I’ve been alone. I was taught to hate sex. That it would fog my brain—ruin my focus for their missions. But now I look at you and I’m glad. I’m glad my cock only reacts to you. Because it means I fucking own you and you own me in return.”

The passion in his tone kept me locked in his spell. My brain kept poking at grief, kept trying to suck me back into tears, but Roan trapped me with him. I needed it. Desperately. I needed to remember how to be myself. How to survive.

“You’re the only man I’ve been attracted to. I wanted you the moment I saw you. You scared me, terrified me, but beneath it all I saw who you are now. I saw a man I could love. I’m yours, Roan.”

His eyes snapped closed; his entire body shuddered. “Fuck, call me that again.” His voice resonated with lust.

I didn’t know if he wanted me to tell him I loved him or call him by his name. So I did both. I threw myself into the truth and embraced my future with this scarred fighter.

“I love you, Roan Averin.”

His body, so cut and etched in muscle, rippled with need. His eyes wrenched open and for once I saw a sliver of blue in the white depths. I saw ragged passion and undiluted awe. “You fucking own me, Hazel.”

“I don’t own you. I’ll never own you. You’re free. You fought your past and you found your way to me.” My voice cracked with tears—but these tears were pride and gratefulness that he’d been able to fight.

“Fucking hell,” Roan growled. “I need you so much.” Letting go of his erection, he pounced. The bed shifted as he landed on top of me. Supporting his weight on his elbows, his lips crashed against mine, pressing my head into the mattress.

He commanded me to open wide, to accept his brutal kiss. His mouth consumed me. Every slide of his tongue fought and parried. Danced and worshipped.

I moaned as his hand trailed down my ribcage, spreading a wake of fire. Caressing my hip, he dipped inward, pushing my legs apart.

“I want you. I need to be inside you.” He kissed me so hard my teeth bruised my lips. “I can’t be gentle. I’m—sorry. I can’t be—”

My body shattered as he pressed two fingers deep inside me. Drawing wetness and sending exploding pinwheels through my heart. “It’s okay. I under—”

His mouth landed on mine again, swallowing my words. His fingers thrust in a perfect rhythm building me higher and higher. An orgasm gathered behind my eyes, in my heart, my chest, my core.

Every stroke and tease from his long, strong fingers sent sweat dewing on my skin. The sun streamed through the windows, capturing us in a spotlight of heat.

“God, I want to be inside you. Hard and deep. I want to claim every inch of you,” Roan panted, biting my ear.

“Do it. Take me.”

I wanted him now while I existed in this perfect selfish world where nothing else mattered. I’d put barriers up, segmenting the grief I knew was waiting for me.

He laughed, strangled with hunger. “God, you’re too fucking potent. I can’t think straight. I can’t control myself.”

I whimpered as the tip of his cock replaced his fingers, nudging, sliding in just a little.

Turning my head, I bit the billowing sheets, trying to keep my hands away from him. I wanted to pull him deeper, force him to take me fast. The fundamental human need to touch drove me nuts—knowing I couldn’t risk it. He strained himself so much already. Every muscle vibrated, his eyes tight and dark.

Roan hovered, teasing me. His hips rocked, giving me a small amount of his erection. He breathed hard, panting with stress. “Make me take you. Make me fuck you.” He thrust a little, twisting my mind with want. “Take me, Zel. Take all of me. Let me prove you have nothing left to fear.”

I stopped biting the sheets and looked at him. Really looked at him. No more barriers, no more smoke or secrets—he let me see just how hard touching was for him, but he wanted me to do it anyway. Every part of him wanted to kill me. The violence was an aura around him, beading on his brow.

He suffered to protect me.

He willingly battled pain to find salvation that might never come.

My heart couldn’t handle his agony. “It hurts you.” I shook my head. “I can’t. Stop. We can try another day.”

He growled, dropping his head to bite my neck. The sharpness of his teeth made me freeze.

Has he lost control?

My fingers itched for my knife. I said goodbye to Clara today and as much as I missed her, I wasn’t ready to leave this earth.

The realization that I wanted to continue living—even if it meant without her by my side caught me by surprise. It shot me with fight and adrenaline. Reminding me that others needed me.

Roan needed me.

His son needed me.

Instead of guilt, peace settled.

Then my back bowed as Roan pressed in a little more, stretching me. “I won’t go any further until you make me. Touch me.” He kissed my cheek, smothering me in the scent of smoke. “Touch me. Please. You’re safe.” His voice was ragged and strained.

The offer was too tantalising. I wanted to help him break. I wanted him to stop being in pain.

My fingers whispered over his back and he hissed. Every muscle in his spine locked down.

I dropped my hands.

You can’t do this.

I no longer played with just my life. I had another. Barely formed and so, so delicate. I couldn’t be reckless or selfish.

“I can’t.”

His eyes flared wide, holding himself rigid above me. “Why not?”

My heart bucked, racing toward the truth. Fear filled me at how he’d react. Would he still want me? Would he view it as a replacement for Clara? I’d worked through my issues and accepted that I could love another without being a traitor to Clara’s memory, but Roan didn’t know. He didn’t have a clue.

“I can’t let you kill me.”

“I’m not going to kill you. Fuck, Zel. I need you to push me again. I won’t get better if you don’t push me like you did at Obsidian.”

I shook my head. “I have to think of someone else. It’s not just my life I’ll be risking to save yours.”

He reared upright, glaring deep into my eyes. “Spit it out. What the hell are you keeping from me now?” A terrible glint filled his eye. “So help me, Hazel, tell me. I won’t survive you keeping secrets from me again.”

I sucked in a deep breath, fortifying myself against his wrath. “I’m pregnant.”

The world stood still for a fraction of a second. His face froze, eyes dazed. Then life jolted back into him and he blinked. “What did you just say?”

I swallowed, hating the rush of sadness at celebrating a new life when I’d only just said goodbye to a girl who would always hold my heart. “I’m having your child.”

I wasn’t prepared for the switch in him. The savage hunger that exploded, infecting me just as brutally. “Fuck. Hazel.” His mouth crashed against mine, his tongue sweeping deep. I had no clue what was going on in his head.

His hands left my hips to capture my face, holding me captive as he kissed me like a man starved of air. As quickly as he kissed me, he pulled away. “What? How?” His eyes darted all over me, disbelief in their depths.

My head swam. My body sparked and hummed. “I thought I couldn’t conceive. I was wrong.”

“But—oh, my God. I’m going to be a father?” Love glowed brighter than any sun, then shadowed with fear. “Fuck. I’m not—I can’t be around something so breakable.” He sucked in a breath. “I—I don’t know what to say.”

I wasn’t scared that he’d reject the idea of his offspring, or that he’d send me away. Confidence ran in my blood. “You made so much progress already. You have nine months to finish curing yourself before he arrives.”

He swallowed hard. “He?” His eyes shot to my belly. “You already know what it is?”

Every part of me wanted to hug him. He looked lost. Terrified. Almost angry at me for putting him in this dangerous situation.

I shook my head. “No. But I know. It’s a boy. Your son. And you won’t hurt him. I won’t let you.”

His hips moved, withdrawing the small amount of connection we shared. “But—I managed to withstand Clara because she was so brave—so strong. But a newborn?” He panicked, eyes widening. “I can’t. I don’t want to be responsible for kill—” He stopped and gritted his teeth. “No. I’ll look after you till you have it, then I’ll keep my distance. It’s the only way.”

Anger.

Hot, swift anger. I’d forgotten what it felt like, buried beneath so much grief. I welcomed it and did something I probably shouldn’t.

Grabbing the back of his neck, I yanked him down. His biceps strained, trying to hold himself up. My legs shot upright and wrapped around his hips, finding his hardness again and pushing myself onto him.

He froze, tension echoing in his joints. “Stop, Hazel. Fuck—”

“No. I won’t stop. And I’ll tell you why. You are going to be part of this new life. You are going to heal and you’re going to get better. If I have to show you you can do this, then so be it.” My hands dropped from his neck to his hips, pulling him into me. He wrenched back, fighting the need between us.

He fought, looking positively wild, but then all the fight siphoned out of him and he collapsed on top. His breathing rattled in his lungs and his eyes screwed up tight. “It’s too hard. I can’t ignore the conditioning.”

“Yes, you can. And you will.”

I needed him to take me. The thirst ached in my teeth, my bones. I needed to solidify our connection once and for all.

We needed to bruise and ride and claim. This wasn’t about sweetness and building trust—it was deeper than that. Something that joined us more holy than marriage or a lifetime of togetherness.

“Take me, Roan. I trust you.”

He moaned loud and long. “I can’t—I don’t want to hurt you. This was a mistake.” His body imprisoned me, creating a blanket of lust-filled male.

“Yes, you can.” My hands landed on his ass.

He shuddered in my hold—his teeth grinding loudly. “Stop.”

“No.” I sank nails deep into his flesh and pulled him possessively into me. It was the first time I’d taken him. The first time I’d taken everything he offered and more.

His length sank in deep and wide, bringing heat and waves of desire. Every stretch was delicious. Perfect.

His self-control snapped and he threw his head back. “Oh my God. Goddammit, you feel—” He didn’t finish as he thrust in deeper—eternally deep. I couldn’t keep my eyes open—overwhelmed by the scrumptious fullness, the complete knowledge he was mine and I was his.

“See. You can. You have more control than you know.” Wrapping my legs tighter around his hips, I imprisoned him. “I trust you to love me. To not hurt me. Give me everything you have to give, Roan Averin.”

Every muscle stood out in stark relief, vibrating with pent-up aggression and only orders he could hear. He shuddered uncontrollably.

Reaching for his neck, I grabbed two handfuls of hair and yanked his lips to mine. “You can do this. Fight through it,” I panted against his lips.

He shook his head, tugging the strands in my grip. “What if I hurt you? Shit, Zel, you’re pregnant. Am I even allowed to be inside you like this?” His nostrils flared and his hips tried to wiggle out of my locked legs.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Grabbing more of his hair, I forced him to kiss me. My tongue entered his mouth and a tremor quaked down his back.

Biting his lower lip, I murmured, “I’ll touch you if you take me. I’ll stroke you if you make me come. I’ll always be yours, Roan. Prove to me you can keep me safe.”

I deliberately drove him to breaking point. It was fascinating to feel the change in him. The haunted look swirled in his depths. The violence of his past swallowed him whole. But through the transformation from human to machine he pressed his forehead against mine and locked eyes. He locked himself to me. Soul to soul.

Gone was the fight to protect me. His cock pressed deeper and his body smothered harder. He thrust once, gritting his teeth. “I can’t be slow. Don’t ask me to be slow.”

I nodded, stroking his back, thrilling with terror and want. “Take me however you need.”

His body slammed into me once, twice, before he found control and stopped—vibrating with barely held restraint. “I’m so fucking scared.” His voice wavered and the plea in his eyes almost made me let him go.

Almost.

“I trust you.” I’d keep repeating it over and over again until it seeped into his psyche and freed him. “You can’t hurt the baby. Take me. I won’t ask again.”

He switched from human to animal. He let go of everything.

His hips pulled back before colliding with mine with a ferocity that echoed in my heart. Everything about him switched to possessive greed. His face shut down. Lips pursed. Sweat beaded.

“Don’t trust me. Don’t fucking trust me,” he growled, driving into me. Every stroke of his cock claimed ownership and I let him steal me away.

Nothing else existed but him inside me and his hard heat above me. I locked my legs tighter, pulling him achingly deep.

His mouth latched onto my neck, sucking, biting. Sparks of gold and silver whizzed in my blood, intoxicating me—making me come back to life.

“Yes. Take me,” I panted as Roan drove violently into me. Every thrust he lost himself until I didn’t know which man I held. Obsidian Fox or Roan Averin.

The bed screeched across the floor, the bedding slip-slided all over the mattress as he took everything I had to offer. He was right.

It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t sweet. It was dirty and cruel and broken.

But I couldn’t get enough.

His hands landed on my hips, holding me in place as he increased his rhythm. His face twisted until he looked furiously angry.

My heart no longer beat—it hummed like a hummingbird as every thrust unlocked a power deep inside me. A power over this man. Over my fate. Over my sadness and happiness and future.

Love swelled like a typhoon in my chest, evolving, growing until it filled every space and cavity. I visualized love protecting the new life inside me—spreading to Roan and healing him. It kept growing until my body had no more space and it exploded out of me, showering us both in emotion.

“God, I—I can’t stop.” Roan reared back, his face shiny with sweat. “I’m hurting you. God, I’m sorry. So damn sorry.” His eyes were wild, skin ashen. “The baby. Make me stop. Make me fucking stop.” His teeth gritted as he drove particularly hard into me.

My body sparked with electricity, static crackled between us. I couldn’t stop. Not when I was so close to falling over the precipice of a release I desperately wanted.

This was between me and him.

Life and death.

Possession and ownership.

I threw my head back. “You’re not hurting me. I trust you.”

“Stop saying that!” He groaned, increasing his rhythm until I felt sure I’d snap in two. “Don’t trust me. Never trust me.”

His guttural moan vibrated through his chest as the first ripple of need travelled down his cock, massaging me with the fierceness of his impending orgasm.

My body clenched, tightened, wound. Taking me out of this stratosphere and placing me on a shooting star. A comet where everything was happy and perfect and there was no tragedy or sadness.

A star.

Her star.

Grief tried to steal me from his embrace and I clamped my eyes shut. Focusing only on his heat and vitality. The more Roan took me, the more he pulled away. Our bodies were connected but our souls had lost each other.

I needed to find him again.

To finish what we’d started.

“More. Please, more.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, dragging him back against me. He moaned as his entire body went bow-string tight, landing on top of mine. His hips pistoned as I held on, never letting him go. Our breathing mingled, panting out of control.

Every stroke was delicious; every motion sent me higher up the mountain of claiming the most incredible orgasm of my life.

I relished in the fierceness of him, the absolute ownership of his body on top of me. Full body contact. Something completely new.

I loved hugging him.

I loved being blanketed by him.

The first spindle and body-shivering band of my release teetered just out of reach. I dug nails into his ass, curving into him, meeting his every thrust.

Roan cried out with all the torture in the world—lost in whatever mind-warp he suffered. “I—I fucking love you,” he snapped, violence tinging every part of him.

That was all I needed.

The knowledge he loved me gave me the strength to brave the unknown future. Gave me the courage to love another just like I’d loved Clara.

I came.

I unravelled and combusted all in one go. The orgasm wasn’t just in my pussy; it existed in every blood cell, in every breath I took, in every part of me. On and on the waves rolled, mimicking the crashing surf outside.

“Yes. Yes. Don’t stop.”

“I’ll never stop.” His mouth found mine in a battle of lips. He poured struggle, love, and commitment right into my heart.

I felt complete.

I hadn’t even known I was missing something until he gave me everything he was.

I’d never be free of him. Just like he’d never be free of me.

I cried out as the contractions of my release squeezed around his cock. He shivered and thrust harder. “I’m coming. Damn I’m fucking coming.”

Roan came apart.

His thrusts lost uniformity, driving relentlessly, seeking pleasure, seeking a release. “Take me. All of me.” His orgasm tore down his back, rippling like a powerful wave over his muscles. He spurted deep inside, splash after splash.

My release kept going, intensifying as our life mingled. I found, for one brief second, eternal happiness.

Gradually, Roan slowed before coming to a gentle rock. He collapsed on top, his cock twitching deep inside. His breathing was ragged and his heartbeat thudded through me like a heavy drum.

He sounded as if he’d run a gauntlet and barely survived.

“Are you okay?” I whispered.

He snorted. “Once again you ask about my wellbeing when I’m the one who just fucked you like a beast.” He looked up with desolate eyes. “Can you forgive me for taking you like that? Today of all fucking days. I should’ve kissed you and made sweet gentle love rather than bruise you like the bastard I am.”

My hand cupped his cheek. His entire body quaked and his forehead furrowed with deep tracks. Our hearts thudded so hard the bed trembled with every pulse, completely out of rhythm, racing to a crazy beat.

Not wanting to push him any further, I dropped my touch. He’d been through enough. He’d done better than I’d ever hoped.

We’d had full contact naked sex and although he’d suffered like crazy, he hadn’t once frightened me.

“You didn't bruise me and you’re not a bastard. You took care of me, Roan. You protected me by battling through whatever you deal with.” I smiled softly. “And that’s why I trust you.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still had no control. I still took you harder than I wanted.”

The sun had dropped from bright to twilight, sending the room into peaceful shadows. Roan rolled off me and sprawled on the tangled sheets.

Every part of me ached, but it was a good ache. A welcomed ache. It reminded me that life went on. I may have said goodbye to one precious thing in my life that I could never replace, but I’d gained more than I ever thought possible.

I propped myself up on an elbow and looked at him. He lay naked, an arm thrown over his head, his flat stomach pulsing as his heart slowly calmed.

The sweat on my skin began to chill and missed his weight on me. I missed being joined.

Sadness found me once again and I squeezed my eyes, trying to stay in the moment where tears couldn’t find me.

A hand caressed my cheek. “Are you okay?”

My eyes opened, locking onto his. “No. But I think in time I will be.”

His face darkened. “I miss her so much. It’s like a part of me is gone. I feel guilty for wanting this baby with you because I feel like I’m betraying her. I feel guilty for living while she’s gone.” He dropped his hand, looking up at the ceiling. “When is it okay to let her go? When will the guilt stop?”

My eyes glossed and I flopped down beside him, wanting so much to snuggle into his embrace. “Clara wouldn’t want us to feel guilty about living. But it’s going to take a long time to move on.”

Roan shifted, bringing his fingers to lock with mine. It wasn’t enough. I wanted his arm around me. But it had to do—for now.

“Thank you. For what just happened. You gave me something I didn’t even know I needed.” He smiled gently. “I have no words. It was incredible.”

I smiled. “Remember what I told you? Sex is meant to be enjoyed with no clothes and full body contact. You’ll get the hang of it.”

He laughed, then apprehension etched his face. “I managed to fight the conditioning this time, but next time…I don’t know if I can. It was stupid to push so hard. Especially now—” His eyes fell to my flat stomach.

Terror filled his gaze and I rushed to stop him from spiralling deep into himself. “Don’t think about next time. You probably didn’t think you could achieve what just happened, but you did.” I leaned over and kissed him gently. “Stop worrying. Everything will work out.”

“He’s hurting. He needs you, mummy.”

Clara’s voice captured my heart and I sucked in a breath.

A few minutes ticked by while we fell into our thoughts. The only sound came from the surf across the road. I wanted to stay in this bubble of time forever—in limbo where I didn’t have to face more tears or plan a future that would be full of complications.

Roan scowled. Breaking the silence, he said, “I didn’t want to do this, but it isn’t about me anymore. I need to know you’re safe. From me. I need to know I won’t hurt you accidently or put the baby’s life at risk.”

Ice trickled in my blood as a bleak resolution filled his eyes. He’d made a decision without discussing with me.

Shit.

Sitting upright, I snapped, “What are you thinking? Whatever it is, stop it.”

My heart picked up until it raced just as madly as before. I hated not knowing what crazy conclusions Roan had come to. He won’t leave. Will he?

Horror heated my blood at the thought of him walking away under the pretence of protecting me and his unborn child.

“Roan. You can’t—”

Cutting me off, he muttered, “I killed my handler in Russia. I broke the control he had over me. It’s no longer his voice inside my head telling me to kill and murder. But the conditioning is too deep. I’ll never be free because I’ve been taught all my life to obey a certain hierarchy.” He sighed. “Do you understand?”

Tears pricked my eyes. I didn’t have a clue. I’d never be able to comprehend what he lived with.

Roan didn’t wait for me to reply. “I can’t say I won’t ever fight again. I can’t say I’ll ever be strong enough not to seek out pain to help deal with my issues, but I can say I will hurt you. It’s inevitable. Sooner or later, I won’t be strong enough. You’ll touch me when I’m unprepared. I’ll lash out and cause untold damage, and I refuse to run that risk.”

My stomach pretzeled in fear. “What are you saying?” Don’t say you’re leaving. Do not say you’re leaving.

“All my life, I’ve been controlled. I thought I could find help from you, and…Clara…” His eyes misted, then he carried on. “But I’m taking responsibility for my own condition, and I know what I need to do. You’re my life now. My woman and lover. I belong to you absolutely. I can’t put your life in danger every second of every day. It isn’t fair on you. And I refuse to live in fear anymore.”

Rolling to face me, he softened his tone, accepting his decision, whatever it was. “Once I drop the barrier in my mind, I will be yours to control in all things. It’s the only way I can think to keep you safe from me.”

Grasping my hand, his voice dropped to a deadly whisper. “In order to keep you safe, I need to give you the power. I need to know that I’ll obey you in all things. I need an owner who I’ll obey explicitly if I slip and hurt you. If I put you in position of my handler, one word from you and I’d stop. Without question.”

I tried to pull my hand away, hating the thought of taking away his free will or owning rights to his thoughts and decisions. “No. I won’t do it.” It was barbaric. “You’re not mine to control. You’re a human being, not my pet.”

His fingers trapped me tighter. “You will do this for me, dobycha. Otherwise, you will always be that for me: dobycha—prey. I’ll never be safe around you and you’ll have to be on high alert all the time. One of us will screw up and it will be you who pays. You have to do this.”

He shook his head, eyes glowing with ferocity. “Do you want to stay here and raise a family with me?”

I glared. What a cruel question. Of course I did. But not at the cost of his happiness. Angry tears filled my eyes, but as much as I hated it, I couldn’t argue against his logic.

It’s not fair.

But it’s the only way.

I knew that. I knew my knife wouldn’t be enough to stop him if he forgot who he was and came after me. I wouldn’t hesitate to kill him if he hurt his son. I could end up dead or murdering the man I love.

It was a living hell.

When I didn’t answer, Roan said, “It has to be this way. You know it’s the truth. Until I can find another solution, this is the best I can come up with. I refuse to live in fear of killing you. I’d never survive watching another person I love die.”

My heart broke all over again for Clara.

For Roan’s family.

For his past.

I sighed as the fight to argue evaporated. I couldn’t deny it made sense. And I couldn’t pretend that both mine and our unborn child’s safety weren’t worthy of a sacrifice to keep us alive. “Only until we can find another cure.”

He nodded, smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I sucked in a breath at the truth in his gaze. He didn’t believe he’d ever be normal. He’d given up hope. He’d accepted that this was the way his life had to be—his last chance to find some resemblance of happiness.

I wanted to kill every evil bastard who'd done this to him. They’d not only ruined Roan’s life but mine and his children's, too.

He’d never be free—always be haunted by ghosts.

“Don’t give up. Promise me you won’t give up.” Squeezing his hand, I vowed, “I will never use the power over you for anything other than protecting myself or our future child. You have my ultimate word. But this is only temporary. I know one day you’ll find freedom.”

He leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss. Holding me steady, he licked the seam of my lips. His dark taste danced me away from reality and into a happier place. He kissed me to avoid lying to me.

He wouldn’t keep trying because he was tired. He’d fought the battle for too long.

I moaned as his teeth nipped on my bottom lip, sending more fireworks to unfurl. He tasted of freedom and future. I wanted so much for him to find ultimate happiness.

When he pulled back, something had changed. He’d activated the conditioning. I didn’t know how it worked but he’d given me power over him. And it fucking killed him.

Sighing heavily, he said, “It’s done. You’re safe.” His snowy eyes glowed with a mixture of hate and satisfaction. Relief and frustration.

My gaze grew wet at the thought of irrevocably owning this man. It wasn’t natural. It wasn’t human. But he’d given every obedience to me.

I felt as if he’d handed over a leash, pulling him to heel. I lost a bit of him even as he sacrificed so much.

Clara would’ve hated it. She would’ve known what he’d done. She would’ve made him find another way.

“Don’t give up. He needs you, mummy. Don’t be sad.”

Keeping my grief at bay, I nodded, accepting his gift. “I love you.”

He smiled, bringing me into the crook of his arm. His touch sent heat and burning embers across my skin. Every time he touched me, it was like he gave a part of himself—shared his energy with me.

That’s true.

He just gave me his soul.

Kissing the top of my head, he whispered, “And I love you.” Sucking a deep breath, he laughed, forcing merriment rather than sadness into his voice. “You own me heart and soul, Hazel Hunter. You’re not just my lover but my handler and I will walk over blades for you. I would kill for you. I will lay down my life for you.”

Nuzzling my neck, he murmured, “You have the power over a highly trained Ghost. What is your first command, mistress?”

My heart thumped at the pain hidden in his voice. The gift he’d given me. I swore then and there I would find a cure. I would never stop until I fixed the man who fixed me.

Ignoring the painful tug in my heart, I smiled against his lips. “Kiss me. Make love to me. Make me look forward to our future.”

His head bowed, lips captured mine.

His eyes locked with mine as he reverently whispered, “Yes, ma’am.”