Destroyed

Epilogue

Roan

My life ended three times before I finally had enough.

I’d been a boy, a Ghost, a man fumbling to find his place.

I never belonged.

My past was unchangeable, but my future was unwritten and rule free.

Invincible, Impenetrable, Invisible no longer applied to me.

I adopted three new things:

Resurrection.

Redemption.

Resolution.

All my life, I’d been a pawn. But not anymore.

I was a provider, lover, father, and friend.

In the wake of heartbreak came new life, and I was given a second chance. I accepted my handicap and grew to live with it rather than fight it. It wasn’t so bad having the woman I adored being my ruler.

But then came the silver lining. The ultimate dream.

I’d been right all along.

There was a cure.

Clara died in February, leaving us to face life on our own. Zel and I spent the first month doing nothing but healing and walking along the beach. It gave us time to grow and mend and develop a deeper dimension to our unconventional romance.

March came and went undetected—just four more weeks without Clara.

April brought a chill, signalling summer was over, and it was time to say goodbye to flowers and heat and sunshine. I returned to Obsidian to collect my tools and smithy equipment. I wanted to start sculpting again. I wanted to recreate Clara’s amazing spirit using bronze and copper.

May Clue announced she and Ben were moving in together and Ben bought a house not far from us in the Northern Beaches. He still went to Obsidian to fight, and he gave me a standing offer to beat me bloody if I ever needed my strange kind of therapy.

I took him up on the offer once or twice.

“I love it when you come home all sweaty.” Zel appeared around the corner of the lounge. Her small arms wrapped around my torso. “Don’t you get hot running all in black?” Her eyes found mine, smouldering with lust. “I want you, Roan. I watched you on the beach. I missed you.”

The swell of her pregnant belly pressed against my abs and I suffered a heinous flashback. It tore me from safety to howling winter and the pit. Snarls of wolves filled my head and I regressed.

It was the first of the month. The day that was worse for me than the rest—the day our conditioning was rebooted—reprogramed.

I grabbed her neck, fingers disobeying my commands. I squeezed her throat with uncontrollable anger. “Don’t ever touch me.”

I watched my actions as if my soul was unencumbered by my body. A spectator as I wrung the neck of the woman I adored. Screaming silently, I raged to stop but the conditioning pulled me under its unbreakable web.

Zel’s eyes filled with glittering terror and her fingers flew to her hair.

I grabbed her wrist—stopping her from going for her knife.

“Not this time, dobycha. Not this time.”

Her body flailed and she tried to kick and squirm, but it was no use. There was nothing I could do. I would kill her and I would swallow a bullet afterward for not being strong enough to save her.

Then Hazel saved both of us.

“Take your fucking hands off me, Operative Fox. Stand down this instant.”

The order sliced through my foggy haze, dispelling the howling wolves and eternity of ice.

I blinked.

The command took all control away from me and I cowered. Pain. Torture. Payback for disobeying.

Loathing filled me, crippling my limbs as I skidded away and sucked in ragged breaths. I couldn’t do it. I’d done what I’d been terrified of. I lost control. If I hadn’t given Zel power over me, I would’ve killed my fucking family all over again.

I ran.

And Corkscrew delivered retribution.

That was at the start of May. By the end of the month, we’d settled once again into a routine and Clue popped around often. She and Zel remained close and for the first time in my life, I had a network of people who saw me for what I was and accepted me. Dinners were a bi-weekly affair, and Clue kept Hazel distracted from her thoughts when they turned sad by planning a ridiculous baby shower and choosing colours for the nursery.

June was the first month Zel felt the baby kick. It effectively did what I’d hoped all along. It showed that Clara no longer needed us, but a new life did. It helped us stay strong and granted peace. Hazel wasn’t completely happy but more and more I’d catch a soft smile or contentedness mixing with her heavy grief. She spent a lot of time in the room I’d made for her. Talking to Clara, stroking the horse statues that she loved so much.

July Clue and Ben took us out for dinner to celebrate Hazel’s twenty-fifth birthday. It was the first party I’d been to, the only one I’d ever celebrated. I couldn’t remember my own birth date, so Hazel let me share hers. We ate decadent food and went on a cruise around Sydney harbour. I gave Zel her present when we got back—another metal sheep to stand proud and perfect beside Clara’s. It’d been the best night of my life.

August we finished the nursery. And Zel unpacked boxes full of Clara’s toys. She decorated the space with memories of her daughter, ready for a new child to play with. I did fear if the child was a boy, though. The amount of My Little Pony stuff that littered groaning shelves would scare any male.

Every day that passed healed as well as hurt. And I often heard Clara in my head. She’d become my unofficial conscience. My lifeline when the conditioning grew too strong.

September, Hazel went into labour. She’d opted for another caesarean after the complications with Clara’s birth, and I watched absolutely fucking terrified as she brought not one, but two lives into the world.

My heart broke, mended, and then shattered all over again to think we’d been given one new life, and Clara had somehow found a way to come back to us. I couldn’t thank the universe enough. I became a fucking fool—wandering the hospital corridors in a daze while I waited for the nurses to make Zel comfortable.

It’d been a whirlwind of fear and joy. I hadn’t wanted to watch Zel be cut open and two little lives pulled out, but she made me stay and hold her hand.

It was the least I could do.

And I’d fallen head over heels all over again. She was so fucking strong. So brave.

Once Zel had been stitched up and the babies cleaned and weighed, Clue and Ben arrived to coo and blow kisses at the tiny bundles in blankets. Ben had seemed more smitten than Clue. His dark skin flushing with awe and eyes filling with future possibilities whenever he glanced at his woman. I had no doubt he had babies on the brain.

I hadn’t gone near the twins. I hadn’t lied to Zel when I said I was petrified. I wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to see them, touch them, but I stayed away for protection.

The moment I’d set eyes on them, I’d been possessed. The love I’d had for Clara increased as my heart swelled for my children. A family I never thought I would have.

I never wanted to be a father. I never thought it would be in my future. I didn’t think I would care for anything or knew how to love. But Clara cured me of that ridiculous notion. She’d taught me what my true purpose was. She brought me back to life and if it was up to me, I’d have a fucking plethora of children.

I sighed, entering the private room where Hazel rested. It was late, and the neonatal wing of the hospital was hushed.

The bedside light glowed softly, pooling around Zel. I stopped beside the bed, drinking in the tiredness around her eyes, her tangled hair spread on the pillow. She couldn’t have looked more perfect. She’d fought and won. She’d created two intricate, incredible little lives.

Her forehead furrowed while she dreamed and I wondered what went on behind her mask. Oscar had been right about her. She was quiet but there was so much I didn’t know about her. So much she hadn’t shared. I didn’t know who’d fathered Clara. I didn’t know how she got the scar below her eye.

I’d tried to piece together little puzzles of what her life might’ve been like before Clara, but found I couldn’t. She hid her past so well and threw all her attention into her future.

I hadn’t pried because I wanted her to tell me on her own terms. But the curiosity never left. Then again, she didn’t know much about me. We’d come into this relationship hiding who we truly were and found a new identity in each other.

Our baggage had no room to be aired. And I liked to think nothing in our past mattered. If we kept it sealed and hidden, it would eventually cease to exist. Just a distant memory.

Reaching to cup her pale cheek, I swallowed back the overwhelming love.

Her green eyes opened. Foggy at first, but the moment she recognised me, her smile beamed with affection. Affection for me. What did I ever do to deserve her?

She cleared her throat and shifted, wincing a little. “Have you held them yet?” Her voice was hushed in the quiet space only interrupted by low beeps and monitors around the room.

A flash of fear darted down my spine. Hold them. I couldn’t. The past few months had been torturous. Day by day, the conditioning grew stronger again rather than fading.

I’d hoped it would disappear the more I ignored it, but it was the exact opposite—crushing me from the inside out.

“No. I can love them from afar.” I dropped my hand to link with her fingers, tensing a little as her grip threaded with mine. The familiar, unforgiving orders radiated up my arm, coercing with commands to hurt her.

“They’re yours, Roan. You have to hold them. They need to see their father.”

I swallowed hard, looking over at the twin bassinets. The babies were barely visible in bundled up blankets. They wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made Zel my handler.

Not a day passed that I didn’t thank my fucking genius plan at giving her power over me.

If I hadn’t, she’d be dead.

After the incident in May, I’d had two more episodes. Two more times where she had to leave the realm of my equal and assert command over me. I’d told her how to say it, what tone of voice to use.

“Take your fucking hands off me, Operative Fox. Stand down this instant.” She cried every time she had to yell it, but at least she was alive. I didn’t begrudge her the power over me. It was the only way to love her and not chain myself twenty-four seven. Sleeping with handcuffs was bad enough.

“Maybe when they’re older, dobycha. Don’t make me. Not tonight.”

Her eyes flashed and the strength I loved about her tensed her body. “Tonight, Roan. It’s important.”

I wanted to scream at her not to push. This was one instant where I didn’t want her help. I needed time. Time to get my head straight and hope to God I had control. I stupidly hoped I could wait till the twins could speak and teach them the command to stop me.

That way my family became my handlers and they would all be safe from me.

I’m a fucking Rottweiler on a leash.

“Don’t.” I glared at her. “Leave me alone. Let me keep them safe the only way I know how.”

Her jaw clenched.

I leaned forward, encroaching on her space. “Think for a moment. You want me to hold two very innocent, very tiny human beings. You want me to touch new life while barely containing the violence of my past.” I jerked a hand through my longish hair. “You should know not to ask for miracles, Zel. Every night you try to push me to snuggle. To see if I have the strength to sleep with you in my arms.”

I leaned further, breathing hard. “Tell me what happens. Tell me how successful I am at holding you tenderly and sweet.”

Her gaze skittered from mine, sadness mixing with anger. “I don’t need to tell you what happens. We both know you’re getting worse instead of getting better. But…” She plucked the bedspread, eyebrows drawing together. Finally she looked back into my eyes. “If it’s getting worse don’t you think you should hold them now? In case you can’t at all?”

I hated that I’d lumped her with half a life. Half a man who could fuck her but never make love to her. A man who wanted nothing more than to give her everything all while my past tried to steal her future. I feared every day that she’d grow to hate me for my shortcomings.

I shook my head. “No.”

Zel clutched the covers. “Don’t be scared. You can do this.” She played the card that always made me bend to her will. “I trust you.”

It was an aphrodisiac to me. Gaining her trust. Doing things to justify that trust.

“You’re destined to kill me, aren’t you?” I groaned, dragging a hand over my face. She’d won and she knew it.

She smiled softly, her beautiful lips distracting me. “Not killing you—making you live.”

“Fine,” I snapped. “But be prepared to stop me if I can’t control it. I can’t handle the thought of hurting them.”

She nodded. “You have my word. I’ll watch you like an over protective mother.”

Ever so slowly, I drifted toward the two small cots. I looked upon two tiny raisin-like faces. One pink hat. One blue.

So tiny. So small.

Vasily and Vera.

Named after my brother and mother. I’d asked Zel if she wanted to call our daughter Clara, but her face had tightened and tears glossed her eyes. She said Clara was unique, and no one could live up to her name.

But then her gaze had come alive and she offered me the world. She proposed to call them after my lost family, I had to walk out of the room and hide my suddenly burning eyes. I’d turned into a fucking sap. I wanted to buy her every fucking jewel on the planet to show how much the gesture meant to me. I still hadn’t told her about my lineage, or that the twins were now twenty-fifth in line to an obscure royal family who would never be recognised again.

Zel sat higher in bed, watching me. “Hold them. They’re yours, Roan.”

She could’ve fooled me. Both had dark hair, no red in sight. Vera had vibrant green eyes like her mother, while Vasily had ice blue just like his namesake. A small piece of me wrapped up in so much of Hazel.

I wonder if Clara looked so tiny when she was born.

My heart spasmed at the thought of the little girl who I missed with every part of me.

“Roan.”

My eyes darted to Zel; my heart thumped like a crazed animal.

She sat higher in bed, face strained from the delivery and what I was about to do. “You won’t hurt them. Believe in yourself.”

But I will hurt them.

I was too big, too unpredictable. Some days I was fine—able to contain myself. Others, I was a fucking menace and spent the day running on the beach or hiding in the shower with a razor blade.

I loved my perfect world, but I was exhausted for trying to be just as perfect. No matter how hard I tried, I would never fit in.

“Operative Fox, you will hold your son right now,” Hazel commanded in the voice she knew would give me no choice.

Obey. Obey. Obey.

“Goddammit, Hazel.” I glared, hating her for a brief moment for using the power against me. “You broke your vow, dobycha. I don’t appreciate being made to do something that might end up destroying me.”

Her shoulders slumped but eyes flashed with green fire. “I’m doing it for your own good.”

My limbs were no longer mine to control. They’d been given an order and I had no choice but to move forward and obey. Damn her. Damn me. Damn everything.

I rolled my shoulders, trying to dispel my anger. I loved her for wanting to help, but I was pissed.

How dare she break her promise? How dare she force me to do this?

That’s why I hadn’t wanted another owner. Willpower was never my own. It sucked ass not having a choice over my own fucking destiny.

I stood vibrating, looming over the cots. Don’t do it.

Obey. Obey. Obey.

I can’t!

My muscles hurt with disobeying but they were so tiny. So vulnerable.

Zel sighed heavily. The bedding rustled as she moved against the pillow. “I take it back, Roan. Operative Fox, you no longer have to obey.”

The release on my body was instantaneous. The crippling urge to scoop up my infants gone in a gust of relief.

I sucked in a breath. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. But, Roan. Hold your son. You have to do it eventually. He can’t grow up with a father who won’t touch him.” She looked pointedly at the sleeping boy. “You’re the one who committed to this. So do it.”

I didn’t want to do any of this. I wanted the twins back inside Zel where they could be safe forever.

“Fucking hell,” I muttered.

“I heard that,” she snapped. “Watch what you say around them. You don’t want their first word to be a curse. And watch your emotions around them, too. You don’t want them to feed off your anger or frustration.”

I whirled to face her. “Then why the hell do you want me to pick him up! Aren’t I safer over here?” I stalked to the other side of the room, breathing hard. I hated the way my muscles wanted to obey and pick up the delicate bundle of baby, but I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have the strength.

I’ll kill him.

I’d be responsible for yet another death. Another murder of a life called Vasily. I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Do. It.

Zel huffed, looking like a queen in her blue nightgown. “Don’t make me command you again. Don’t think I won’t do it. You know you’ll have no choice and you need to make this your choice, Roan.” Zel’s face softened. “I trust you; otherwise I wouldn’t tell you to do it. As much as I love you, I wouldn’t let you near Vasily and Vera if I thought you’d hurt them.”

My heart swelled, and I almost fell to my fucking knees. It never got old hearing that she loved me. She—this perfect woman who put up with all my fucking bullshit. I also loved the way she said their names. It was like conjuring the family I barely remembered. Making me whole for the first time in my life.

Ah, fuck. She was right.

I had to do it. I had to face my fear and win.

Clenching my jaw, I moved back toward the basinets and bent over the tiny newborns.

With my heart in my throat, I placed shaking hands around the thick blue blanket and scooped up the lightest human being I’d ever held.

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

The conditioning crescendod through me with the power of a wrecking ball.

No!

My muscles locked down as I stood shaking and terrified. My jaw ached, battling the conditioning, forcing myself to hold on.

He was so light and tiny. So fragile. It was utterly dangerous for me to be anywhere near him.

Keeping him far away from me, I looked into his screwed up, frankly ugly, little face. The blue hat made him look like a shrivelled up old man.

You’re mine.

He’s mine.

The bond that exploded through my heart almost beat back the conditioning.

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

“Support him against you.” Zel laughed quietly. “He’ll feel unprotected at arm’s length like that.”

What was this woman trying to do to me? Fuck this was hard. Turning to face her, I demanded, “You have him. I can’t do it.”

She pursed her lips. “You’re holding him. You can do this.”

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

My head shook wildly. “No. I can't. It’s back. It’s worse. I don’t—I can’t—”

Zel didn’t say a word, but her eyes gave me the final order.

Cuddle him.

How the hell could a machine like me cuddle an infant? Cursing my past and everything in my head, I slowly brought Vasily against my body and pressed him into the crook of my arm.

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

The second his weightless form and barely there warmth hit my body, my world ended.

Wolves howled.

Guns fired.

Swords clashed.

A vortex consumed me, ripping me into shreds, tearing my brain apart. I hurled down and down into dark recesses of my mind, careening me from hospital room to the last clear memory of my childhood.

“Don’t go too far, Roan. Dinner isn’t far away, and your father will be home soon.” I smiled at my perfect mother. Reaching up to play with her red curls, I nodded. “I promise.”

I broke that fucking promise and brought the apocalypse on my entire family.

Trees creaked.

The moon shone silver.

My teeth ached as I fought, fucking fought, the conditioning

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

I’d never be free. I had to die. I had to kill myself.

“Roan! Roan!”

With my free hand, I clutched my skull as clanking bells echoed in my ears.

Louder and louder.

Bells and chimes and trumpets.

Every brainwash, every bar and chain I’d been trapped in started unravelling.

Faster and faster, padlock after padlock.

Every inch of my past and torture ceased to exist. Every switch and order that made me the obedient machine I was disintegrated.

Wind whistled.

Ice prickled.

Freedom fell like rain.

Every shackle and programed obedience slithered out of my brain, thudding at my feet with the sounds of clunking iron. Standing still, barely breathing in case it was all a dream, I burst into life as everything filthy and tainted in my mind erupted into flames and dissolved into ash.

Sun shone.

Butterflies flew.

Laughter filled my ears.

My world spun and spun. Throwing me out of my old existence, leaving me homeless and adrift.

Then a new world began. A world I never hoped dream for. A world where my thoughts were my own and nobody could strip them from me.

The vortex that’d stolen me from hospital to past dumped me back into reality. But it wasn’t the same one as before. It wasn’t the same subspace or even the same galaxy.

My past had gone forever.

My future was fucking bright and clean.

Birds chirped.

Love swelled.

Blissful happiness filled my heart.

I opened my eyes.

Zel was halfway out of bed, clutching her abdomen where fresh stitches held her together. Panic covered her face with damp sweat while her eyes were wild with terror. “Don’t. Stop it! Don’t hurt him!”

I raced to catch her before she passed out and fell flat on her face. “Zel, no!”

Holding my son in one arm, I pushed the woman I was going to marry back into bed and brought the sheet up over her shuddering body. Her face was ashen, waxy with stress.

My heart hadn’t known such love. I’d never believed I could feel so fucking happy.

I stood numbly, drinking in how much I loved her. How much she’d given me.

She snatched Vasily from my arms, hugging him close. Tears glassed her eyes.

“Goddammit, Roan. You almost gave me a fucking heart attack.” She curved her body around Vasily. He began to cry under her fierce embrace.

His wails were music to my ears because there was nothing else. No orders. No rush of conditioning.

All there was were the harsh shrieks of my son and the ragged pants of the woman I adored.

I felt like fucking laughing.

Livid tears spilled down her cheeks. “What the hell were you doing? My God. Can I never trust you? Will you never be free?” Her body shook as shock took over. “How can we raise them together if you can’t ever be around them? What hope is there? What—”

It wasn’t fair that she was so distraught and I was walking on air.

Grabbing her chin, I jerked her mouth up and kissed her. I kissed her like I’d always wanted to. With my entire soul.

I didn’t have to fight anything. I didn’t have to watch my thoughts or guard myself against her touch.

It was fucking heaven.

Twenty-eight years and I’d finally found what I’d always wanted.

Happiness.

Her lips froze beneath mine. I tasted salt from her tears and sorrow from her tongue. Pulling away, I murmured, “Don’t cry.”

Her eyes widened as she rocked a screaming Vasily. “Don’t cry? If I can’t cry over the fact I love a man who can’t be around his children what can I cry about? It’s hopeless. Everything—it’s over.”

My stomach twisted at the desolation in her voice.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in fear that I’ll find you’ve ransacked the nursery or stolen our children’s lives. I want you gone—”

The dagger went straight through my heart. There was no conditioning to wade through or fog of anger. Everything affected me a hundred times stronger. A thousand times deeper.

It was like exposing myself to a whole new existence where the sun burned my skin, tears dissolved my will, and Zel’s sadness ripped out my heart with claws.

“Don’t. It’s over, dobycha. It’s over.”

She sniffed, dropping her eyes. “I know it’s over. It has to be.” A sob escaped her lips.

Something monumental had happened. Something I never dreamed was possible. And instead of celebrating she was trying to cut me out of her life.

I’m not letting you go. Ever.

Prying one of her arms from around Vasily's shoulders, I tugged her hand toward me.

Her lips popped open. She fought me. “Let me go. Stop it.” Her eyes narrowed. “Take your hands off me, Operative Fox.”

I paused, tensing for a wave of conditioning, so used to obeying all my life.

Nothing.

Heavenly nothing.

Blessed fucking nothing.

No rush of orders.

No crush of commands.

No debilitating need to kill.

I smiled and unwound her tight fingers. “You said you trusted me. Trust me one last time.” My voice even sounded different. Less gruff. Less bound to a past I’d always run from.

Zel froze, then let her hand go slack. She never took her eyes off me as I very carefully laid her hand on my forearm.

I looked up, drowning in her emerald gaze. “What do you see?”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand. What are you trying to do?”

I removed her hand and put it against my chest, directly over my heart. Her body tensed, feeling the racing beat beneath her fingertips. Her fear surrounded me but slowly a trace of hope filled her eyes.

“What do you feel?” I murmured.

She gasped, twitching her fingers against my chest. Her touch sent boomerangs of aliveness and heat through me. Branding me. Making me hers. Always hers.

“You’re different.” Cocking her head, she narrowed her eyes. “What happened? What’s changed? I don’t understand.”

I laughed, feeling weightless.

Guiding her hand up my chest, I shivered as her gentle touch came up my throat and tangled with Clara’s silver star around my neck. Her face spasmed with grief before I brought her fingers up and up, until her entire palm cupped my scarred cheek.

I never let her touch my scar.

I hated it.

It was hotwired to my conditioning.

It ruled my life for so long.

Dropping my fingers from hers, I whispered, “What do you sense?”

The hope she’d nursed exploded into her entire body. Vasily stopped crying and a brilliant smile lit her tear-streaked face. “It’s gone?”

My heart expanded until I couldn’t breathe. My legs wobbled in sheer gratefulness.

“Oh, my God. Roan… it’s true?”

Shivers captured my skin sending goosebumps and every emotion that had been muted all my life over my skin. Love exploded my heart. I nodded. “It’s gone. All of it. Every last bit.”

Her hand clutched my cheek harder, dropped to cup my chin. “Are you sure?” Her eyes danced with hope and hesitation.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to dance. I couldn’t stand still with the joy frothing in my stomach. “Positive. Every bad thing inside. Every fucked-up need to obey. Every mind-twisting command is gone. It’s disappeared.”

She went from ashen to fucking glowing. Fresh tears filled her eyes, but this time they beamed with happiness. “You’re free?”

I laughed, stepping backward.

Every movement was lighter.

My vision brighter.

“I’m free.”

“I’m normal.”

I’m a father.

My eyes wrenched wide and I spun around. I was a father and I was free. I’d never thought I could have so much.

Striding to the cot, I scooped up Vera in her pretty pink cap. Her round eyes opened, locking onto mine.

Blue to white. I fell madly in love.

My heart expanded to include a little girl I’d lost. A little girl I’d gained. And a son and woman I belonged to.

“Hello, Vera,” I whispered.

The little girl yawned, her tiny lips stretching wide. She squirmed in her blankets. I knew right then and there things would be okay.

I brought her to my lips and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

She was mine.

She was my new chance.

My future was bright and safe.

Vasily had broken my curse.

Six weeks later, once Zel had healed enough to return home and the twins were safely absconded in their nursery, I planned a special evening just for the two of us.

While Zel was upstairs kissing the twins and telling them stories of a big sister they’d never meet, I decorated the lounge in a gazillion candles. I ordered a banquet of finger foods and delicious entrees and laid large sheepskins on the floor beside the roaring fire.

Tonight, I was going to make love to my woman.

For the first time.

Every time I thought about how different my life had become, I would stop and lose myself in memories. It felt as if I’d lived my entire life in shadows. Listening to conversations under water, and experiencing joy down a long tunnel with no light. Every since my conditioning broke, I hadn’t stopped touching.

I barely put the twins down.

Zel couldn’t walk past me without running her hands over my back or trailing fingertips through my hair. We hadn’t had sex since the birth, but we’d never been so intimate. So in tune.

I’d never been so fucking happy.

Tonight I planned on seducing a woman for the first time in my life. I’d never bought candles or sourced romantic music. I’d never ordered food based on their aphrodisiac qualities.

Vasily and Vera had given me a brand new world to explore and indulge, and I didn’t want to miss a second.

My heart raced at the thought of taking Zel. Of worshipping her with everything I could. I wanted to know what it would be like to hug her and hold her tight with none of the shit I’d lived with.

There would be no past or Ghosts or terror.

There would only be love and lust and hunger.

“Wow, you’ve been busy,” Zel’s voice sounded behind me.

I spun to face her, never getting used to the way my love for her sucker-punched me the gut. “Shit, I wanted to have all of this ready before you came down.”

I still hadn’t presented the food how I wanted. And the statue I’d made her hadn’t been covered. Damn it.

I moved to hide it, but Zel sucked in a gasp.

“Oh, my God. Did you make that?” She drifted forward, absorbed by the half metre statue I’d done over the course of several nights. The conditioning might have broken, but I still struggled to sleep in the dark.

After a lifetime of sleeping during the day—those patterns hadn’t changed overnight.

“Do you like it?” Nervousness scattered down my spine.

Her gaze landed on mine, full of awe. “Do I like it? How can you ask me that? I love it. I more than love it. Roan…it’s perfect.”

My heart hurt as she stroked the bronze artwork with a shaky fingertip.

I let some of who I’d been return, but I did it willingly. I had the choice. I embraced the hunter side of me as I stalked toward the woman I would spend the rest of my life with.

I’d made it for her. A complex blend of her and me. Our beginning and our future. I wanted her to see how much I cared for her. How much I belonged to her and how much she was mine. All mine. For fucking ever.

It wasn’t a clear-cut design, more tribal than certain shapes. Masculine and feminine lines showed a sea-froth full of horses. Five in total with Russian names engraved in their manes.

Clara. Roan. Hazel. Vasily and Vera.

Five points of paradise. Amongst the crashing waves, weaving in with the galloping legs were stars—a million glittering stars inlaid with silver.

Stars for Clara.

Zel sniffed, twisting to face me. “You couldn’t have made a more perfect piece.” Her hands landed on my chest.

I jolted with pleasure, still amazed how much her touch resonated through my every cell.

Her eyes lit with worry. “Are you okay?” She swallowed, her gaze darting all over me. “You aren’t regressing, are you?”

The fear at the thought doused all my lust in an icy wash. I hoped to God that never fucking happened. I couldn’t stomach the thought of living with the conditioning again.

I’d have a brain transplant first. I could never go back.

Shaking my head, I dropped my mouth to hers. She kissed me sweetly, innocently, still slightly afraid.

Pulling away, I murmured, “No. I jumped because I’ll never get used to you touching me. It makes me come alive. It makes me want you so fucking much.”

A blush coloured her cheeks.

I kissed her, nipping at her lower lip. “Touch me again.”

Zel obeyed. Her hands came up and landed on the buttons of my white shirt. Slowly, she unbuttoned it. The room filled with throbbing tension, cracking between us. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her and groaned as she pushed aside the material and placed her hands on my chest.

My cock swelled.

My vision popped with bright lights.

“Goddammit, Zel you have the power to bring me to my knees.”

Her lips parted and her touch grew firmer, branding me with fire. Every fingertip was fucking heaven. Hot and gentle, possessive and female. She could undo me with a simple stroke.

I held my breath as she pushed the white shirt off my shoulders. My heart raced. “I was the one who wanted to seduce you. But you’re the one in control again.”

Emerald eyes shot to mine and I drowned in fucking love for her. “You don’t need to seduce me.”

I shook my head. “I wanted to remind you that you belong to me. That you may have two little lives to look after, but I still own you, just like you own me.”

She bit her lip as a torrent of emotion skittered over her face. Her finger looped around the star necklace at her throat. The same necklace we wore to honour Clara’s memory. Every time things became too much for her, she’d touch the silver and find peace to carry on. I always knew when she let sadness take her hostage—the light in her would dim—almost as if she left part of herself in this world to go and talk to a daughter who no longer existed in human form.

My heart hurt, remembering the little girl who would’ve been the best big sister in the world. I would never stop thinking of Clara and what she did for me, but tonight wasn’t about grief. Tonight was all about celebration.

“You don’t need to remind me. I know I’m yours. Just like Clara was. Just like Vasily and Vera are. You deserve all of us, Roan. You make me complete.”

I couldn’t help it. I grabbed the back of her neck and crushed her against me. Her taste exploded in my mouth and something snapped in her—meeting the rapidly building need in me.

Capturing the sash of her cherry coloured dressing gown, I tugged on the cord. I’d watched her take a bath earlier and I couldn’t get the images of her breasts floating, covered with bubbles out of my mind. She’d looked like a delectable desert all for me.

“I want you, dobycha.”

“I’m not your prey.”

I bowed my head and bit her neck. “No? What are you then?”

She shivered as I licked her gently and dragged my nose up her chin. Inhaling her lily of the valley and clean smell of soap, I drugged myself on her.

Her eyelids fluttered closed, swaying into me as I yanked the dressing gown off her shoulders and cupped her breast. “What are you, Hazel?”

My cock throbbed to plunge inside her, but I wanted to go slow. I wanted to savour every part.

She dropped her eyes. I raised my fingers to press beneath her chin. Her lips tilted upward, looking plump and tempting.

“Kiss me,” I demanded.

Her eyes grew heavy. She swayed forward on tiptoe, pressing her delicious lips against mine.

Holding her chin, I forced her to open her mouth, slinking my tongue inside. She moaned; her fingers twitched against my chest. I loved her touch. I loved her being able to touch me. I loved that I had no urge to crush her or slam her to the floor.

I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.

“I love you,” I whispered against her lips.

Her arms suddenly flew around me, pressing herself hard. Her curves to my edges. Her flame to my dynamite.

Gone was the need to drag out the night. I couldn’t think about eating or sitting across from her and trying to ignore the pull.

The room throbbed with need. My head pounded with hunger to be inside her. I’d run out of self-control.

Gathering her up, I stumbled backward, bringing her with me. “I’m going to worship you, Zel.”

She trembled in my arms, her sleek wet tongue dancing with mine.

When my bare feet sank into the fluffy sheepskins on the floor, I lowered us down until I sat upright, and she straddled my lap.

I groaned as her hands dropped from my chest to my buckle. I no longer wore black. I no longer had a compulsion to dress in a colour that offered me some form of safety. I wore whatever colour struck me. I embraced designs and patterns.

I still didn’t wear underwear though, and gasped as Zel’s hot hand wrapped around my cock.

She pumped me once, causing my stomach to clench. Fire exploded in my balls. I lost all thought and control. I struggled to stay coherent. “Zel. Wait—I want…”

Her every touch annihilated me, not because I no longer wanted to kill her, but because she brought me back to life.

“Make love to me, Roan.”

I no longer had to obey her commands, but I wouldn’t turn down the request—the sweet invitation of joining with the woman who gave me everything.

I grabbed a handful of hair and pulled her neck back. The silver star glinted around her neck and I paused. Instead of biting her, I kissed her ever so gently.

She moaned, wriggling against me.

“God, don’t move. I’ll come if you do.” My hands dropped to cup her breast. Shock filled me. Her breasts were swollen and big. Not what I was used to from her smaller cup size.

Zel squirmed away after a second, too sensitive. “I need you, Roan. Now.”

How was it every time we had sex it ended being too much to bear. Too wild. Too full of need to take it slow.

I could barely see with need for her.

Wrapping my arms around her back, I squashed her against me. Loving the thrum of her heart against mine. The heat of her skin. “I want to spend a lifetime making you come, Hazel. A lifetime of pleasure and happiness.”

She smiled, throwing her head back as I kissed along her chin. “I like that proposal.” Her mouth searched mine and she moaned as I plunged my tongue past her lips. I fucking drowned in her taste and my hips surged upward, searching for her.

Her tongue swirled with mine while she gyrated on my lap. She rushed me, rubbing her intoxicating wetness along my cock. I growled with frustration as her eager hand went between my legs and cupped my balls. “Now, Roan. Take me.”

I gritted my teeth as a wave of lust filled my belly. “I wanted to lead tonight, but you’ve taken control once again. You own me so fucking completely, Zel.” My vision pulsed as she stroked my cock, harder and harder until all I could think about was filling her. Thrusting into her.

“I’m just enjoying being able to touch you with no fear.” She bent her head to bite my neck. “I can bite you.”

She stopped stroking me and shoved the robe away until she sat gloriously naked in my lap. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders, bringing us within breathing distance. “I can hug you.”

Spreading her legs, she arched her back and sank ever so slowly down my length. “I can fuck you.”

I groaned as she consumed me with hot darkness. “I can adore you.” Her arms pressed on my shoulders as she pushed upward. We moaned loudly as she sank back down. Down and down until every inch of me was in every inch of her.

Goddammit, this woman. I would never get enough of her.

I fucking loved her forever.

Throwing all plans for a slow and seductive evening away, I pushed up with my legs and splayed her flat on her back on the sheepskin. She flinched at the speed, then sighed and shivered as I thrust into her.

“You like that?” I kissed her nose, her cheek, her eyelids. “You like me being inside you? Fucking you? Loving you?”

She bit her lip, fingernails scrabbling at my back. “Yes. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.”

The flickering gold and oranges of the fire danced across her skin, making her look like she burned with need.

Keeping my weight on one elbow, I traced down the centre of her body all while rocking into her. I followed the path of where the silver chain used to be. The one I’d fabricated in hope it would protect her from me. I missed it. We hadn’t used it often, but now I liked the thought of restraining her just so I could indulge in my fill. To make her come apart as successfully as she made me.

I made a mental note to fabricate another. To bind her with silver, so I could take her completely.

For now, I had an alternative.

Leaning down to kiss her, I fumbled for the edge of the sheepskin and came up with the pair of fluffy handcuffs.

Her eyes flared, but she didn’t say a word as I secured one around her wrist and the other…around mine. Locking us together left wrist to left wrist. The novelty cuffs didn’t stand a chance against holding, but I liked the symbolism; the blatant acknowledgment that we belonged to each other.

Her free hand captured the back of my head, dragging me down for another kiss. “Whatever you have in mind, you better hurry. I need you so much.”

I chuckled. “You’ve ruined my plans already. I’d planned on making love to you, slowly, softly.”

She moaned and shook her head. “No. I want you hard. I want to sweat and pant and explode.”

It was my turn to groan.

I couldn’t take it. This witch had successfully stolen everything I was and I wanted nothing more than to obey.

I rolled away and carefully pulled her on top of me. Staying deep inside her, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her perfection. Her full breasts. Her pouty lips. She looked like a fucking goddess.

I couldn’t stand it. It was too much.

Gripping her hips, I thrust upward, transfixed by her heavy bouncing breasts and flushed skin.

She fell forward, crushing me with her body.

Before, such a move would’ve caused an innate reaction to kill her. I wouldn’t have been able to control the conditioning—now, I never wanted her to leave. I wanted to stay beneath her like this forever.

We rocked together, finding a rhythm uniquely us. Her soft scent drugged me, and I lost all sense of time as we gave each other pleasure.

“God, you feel amazing,” I groaned, relishing in the slow build-up, the tightness in my balls.

Hazel sat up, capturing my cheeks. I sucked in a breath at the love shining in her eyes. “You’re mine, Roan Averin. Forever.”

I nodded in a sex-filled trance. “Forever.”

“Make me come.” Her voice turned husky and her hand dropped to land on my heart, bracing herself as she rode me.

Locking my legs against the rapidly building orgasm, I pressed two fingers against her clit and swirled with a pressure I knew she loved.

Her eyes snapped closed; her hips rocked harder, dragging me closer to the edge. “Yes, like that. Um…”

Shit, I need her.

I needed to be in control. The one taking and giving.

Flipping her over, I rubbed her clit with a demanding hand and drove into her. Her legs hooked over my hips as she panted faster and faster.

“Do you want me?” I growled. “Do you want me to make you shatter?”

She bit her lip, nodding. “More than anything.”

“Do you know how much I care for you? How much you brought me back to life?”

Her eyes locked with mine. “Do you know how much I care for you? How much you’ve given me?”

The unconditional love in her gaze undid me. There would be no more talking. Only chasing our ultimate goal.

Dropping my mouth to hers, I thrust deep. Finding a pace that sent shooting stars down my back and legs.

My mind fogged as my release built and built.

Zel sucked in a breath as I found her clit again. “Come for me, Zel. Come for me like you did in the greenhouse. Shatter for me.”

She threw her head back, hair tangling with the sheepskin below. Her skin flushed and the first band of her release caught me by surprise.

I had no chance against the strong grip of her body.

My orgasm raced from tingle to explosions. And my cock detonated with sensation. I thrust harder, letting myself spill. Ripple after ripple, my cock spurted. “Fuck, you’re amazing,” I growled as I chased the violent edge of my release.

Zel cried out as I drove harder. Her fingernails scratched my back sending ribbons of heat down my skin.

My legs cramped, my body stiffened and I poured every last drop into the woman who I would spend the rest of my life serving.

When the lightning had passed and we lay exhausted in each other’s arms, I pressed a gentle kiss on her lips. “One of these days I’m going to seduce the hell out of you. I’ll tie you up and spend hours torturing you with every sexual device I can think of.”

She smiled, eyes hazy with desire. “It sounds like heaven. Tomorrow. Book that in for tomorrow.” She flopped onto her side, curling into the sheepskin. “And a massage, too. You owe me for the one I gave you.”

My mind skipped back to the night she’d tried to break me. The struggle I’d suffered. The conditioning that almost ruined my life.

I shuddered.

I never wanted another flashback.

I never wanted to think about Russia or Ghosts again.

Mimicking Hazel, I lay on my side, then I did the one thing I’d been dying to do for months.

Gathering her inert, well-sated form into mine, I spooned the woman I loved. Locking us together like a yin and yang. The fluffy cuffs adding another element of belonging.

She sighed, snuggling her perfect ass into my front and grabbing my arm to hug her tighter. “This. This is what I always hoped we’d have.”

I nuzzled her ear, breathing deeply. “I’ll hold you every night as you go to sleep. Every morning, I’ll wake up and make love to you. And we’ll grow old together in each other’s arms.”

She sighed in perfect contentedness.

We relaxed in front of the fire for hours. My body wrapped around her. Two sides of two lifetimes coming together forever.

The issues of my past had gone. I had freedom to play with my children and learn to be a father. I had the privilege of learning to be a worthy husband.

My life had started with hope and ended by tragedy, but through all of it, I survived. I survived and fell in love with the woman who saved me, and I had a future I would treasure forever.

One day I would hold my daughter’s hand while I walked her to school.

One day I would teach my son how to metal work.

I had everything I ever wanted.

I had more love than I could ever need.

I had a family.