Empower

Chapter 8

‘Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.’

Kahlil Gibran

‘Breathe, Vi,’ Steph whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t believe it. A few minutes in the same room as him had caused a complete wrecking effect on me. While he had remained just fine.

‘It’s okay. You’re allowed to care,’ Steph continued to soothe.

But that was just the thing. I wasn’t allowed. I’d given up my rights to him. And he’d seemed so … indifferent. And different. He was stronger but also harder. He was a leader now. No doubt a good one, but I couldn’t help but wonder – was he a kind one? The leader I’d always imagined he would be?

Christ, it hurts so much.

I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself of all the reasons I couldn’t storm down the hall, throw myself at him and beg for forgiveness. All the reasons things had to be the way they were. I pushed into my resources and found the switch I had come to rely on for simple survival and shut it all down, feeling my emotions slip away. It was a numbing gift that had come with a warning, but the need for it outweighed any potential negative consequences.

‘I’m okay,’ I said when I was sure I had a handle on things again. I pulled back my hood and gave Steph a small smile. ‘I was just caught off-guard. Hey.’

Steph smiled back. ‘Hey yourself. So, Onyx found you okay?’ She bit her lip nervously.

I nodded. ‘You did the right thing. It’s Spence, Steph. Of course you did.’

She breathed out a sigh of relief and slumped a little beside me while I took another moment to pull myself together. ‘Please don’t tell everyone I’m here yet. I just … I can’t face all the questions about … everything.’

‘You don’t need to ask. I’ve always kept your confidence. I always will.’

I reached over and pulled her into a hug. ‘I know. And I love you for it.’

‘Ditto,’ she said, hugging me back. ‘And at least we get to see each other. Maybe when we have Spence back and we’ve all taken turns kicking his ass we can go over my wedding plans. I picked up your dress the other day,’ she said, her eyes twinkling with excitement.

I hid my cringe, not wanting to face the wedding issue yet. Or the fact that I was going to have to stand on the other side of the aisle looking at Lincoln while Steph married the man of her dreams.

I smiled. ‘Let’s just get Spence back first.’

She nodded, happy enough to let it go for now. ‘Agreed. Why don’t we get your rooms organised and I’ll take you to see Chloe first thing. I figure the sooner the better since Lincoln won’t take long to get a clear mind and figure out that will be your next move.’

I blinked. ‘He seemed pretty clear-headed when he was speaking to me,’ I said.

She scoffed. ‘Oh, please. A hundred bucks says he’s bent over hyperventilating somewhere right now just like you.’

She seemed so sure. I, however, wasn’t.

‘Anyway,’ Steph went on, ‘he’s going to flip when he finds out Zoe and Sal didn’t tell him everything Chloe said, but that’s Josephine’s problem to deal with. At least I know he won’t bother me.’

‘Why?’ I asked, knowing I probably shouldn’t.

She shrugged. ‘He’s always known I’ve been in touch with you. He made things pretty intense in the first few months, as you know. He and Salvatore had a run-in. Eventually they worked it out and made up, but … he’s never been able to be normal around me since. I think he believes that if I’d just told him in the beginning where you were he would’ve … you know, fixed things.’

I shook my head. ‘He wouldn’t have, Steph. He would’ve just wound up more hurt. Me too. You did the right thing and I’m so sorry I left you to deal with this stuff,’ I said, realising sadly that after we brought Spence back it might really be time for me to cut ties completely. I couldn’t keep putting her in this position.

Steph watched me as if she could see my thoughts. ‘When the alternative was never speaking to you again, it really wasn’t a high price to pay,’ she said sternly. ‘And anyway, if I hadn’t known where you were, Onyx would never have found you. It all worked out. Lincoln’s just … Lincoln.’

‘I suppose,’ I mumbled. But I was feeling better. Back in control. I stood up, pulling Steph after me, keen to close this conversation. I took the time to reposition my hood. People might already be gossiping that I was there but I wasn’t ready to confirm it yet. ‘No chance of seeing Chloe tonight?’ I asked.

Steph shook her head. ‘The infirmary’s closed for the night. Besides, you look like you could do with some sleep.’

Despite the fact even my fingernails were exhausted I didn’t think I’d be getting much sleep tonight. ‘Do you know where Onyx is staying? He said Gray and I could stay with him.’

She smiled. ‘You don’t know?’

My eyebrows crinkled and her smile broadened. ‘Onyx and Dapper own Ascension now.’

The bar hidden within one of the pillars of Brooklyn Bridge was closed for the night by the time Gray and I let ourselves in using the keypad code Steph had given us.

I barely made it three steps into the main bar before Dapper was in front of me sweeping me into a huge hug. A number of people – obviously staff cleaning up after the night – were staring wide-eyed and I knew it wasn’t at me. Dapper wasn’t exactly a cuddler.

I laughed out loud, surprising myself. ‘I’ve missed you, too.’

He seemed to remember himself and stood back, clearing his throat. ‘Yeah, well. People round here never stop talking about you,’ he said with a tinge of his old gruffness. ‘Makes it hard to forget all the trouble you cause.’

I found it hard to forget, too.

‘When did you come to New York? What happened to Hades?’ I asked. His old bar back in our home city had been his pride and joy.

Dapper grabbed my bag and started to walk me towards a narrow staircase behind the bar. ‘Come on, let’s get you settled in.’

Gray and I followed Dapper past the bar, where Onyx was sitting with a large glass of something toxic-looking in front of him. He raised it as we went by.

‘Anyone tried to kill you?’ he asked.

I rolled my eyes. ‘Not yet,’ I replied.

He shrugged. ‘Blow anything up?’

‘Not yet,’ I said again, fighting the urge to smile.

‘Eh. Still early days.’

I shook my head and kept walking.

‘Think I might stay down here for a drink,’ Gray said, eyeing the pretty blonde bartender as he pulled out the stool beside Onyx and dumped his bag.

‘Suit yourself, but be ready to go first thing,’ I said, knowing I probably wouldn’t see him again before morning.

He gave me a salute and picked up the drink Onyx poured him.

‘So?’ I tried again, walking into the apartment with Dapper. ‘Why the move?’

Dapper flicked on lights as we walked through. The apartment was different from his one above Hades, but it once again showcased his outstanding flair for interior design and love of Italian furniture.

‘I’ve still got Hades,’ Dapper said, taking my bag into a stylish bedroom, decorated in a cream palette with splashes of chocolate and lime. He opened a door to show me the neat en suite bathroom and took two folded white towels from the cabinet below the sink, resting them on the vanity unit.

‘I’ll head back there one day. But I decided to give New York a try for a while. Someone had to watch the girl,’ he continued. ‘Plus, she tried to steal half my books when she left. I figured it was easier to bring the whole lot.’

I smiled to hear Dapper speak so lovingly of Steph. ‘So, you just bought Ascension?’

‘I saw the opportunity.’ He winked. ‘Near-immortal regulars who can seriously hold their liquor make for good repeat business.’ Then, before he seemed to realise it, he had enveloped me in another hug. ‘It’s good to see you, kid. Things just aren’t the same.’

I wriggled free of Dapper’s arms, overwhelmed by the emotion behind his words but also annoyed with myself for my reaction.

Get a grip, Vi.

Dapper gave a small nod as if he understood. ‘You need anything, just yell out. Kitchen’s down the hall if you’re hungry, though don’t get your hopes up. Onyx’s idea of shopping consists of bourbon and Pop-Tarts.’

Actually, a Pop-Tart sounded kind of delicious.

‘So, you and Onyx? You’re happy?’ I asked, surprising myself. Generally, I avoided these types of conversations and I knew Dapper wasn’t a big sharer of personal information, but there was a part of me that was desperate to know.

Dapper stared into space for a time before a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. ‘It hasn’t all been a yellow brick road, if you get my drift, but yes,’ his eyes softened. ‘We’re happy.’

I nodded, pleased that they had one another.

He waited a beat before asking, ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

I knew ‘it’ translated to ‘Lincoln’, and to how I’d run away.

I looked down and unfastened the belt holding my sheathed dagger, setting it on the bedside table before looking back at Dapper. ‘I’d really rather not.’

I sensed Phoenix in my room that night as I tried to sleep. I couldn’t see him. I didn’t need to. I could feel his anxiety but I was already on absolute overload and it was taking all my energy to hold back the cold and constantly keep my walls up.

I could feel his sadness eating away at him and it only intensified my own soul-deep pain. I wondered if we were doomed to feel each other’s agony for all eternity. What a way to live.

‘Just give me tonight, Phoenix. I can’t deal with any more right now,’ I whispered shakily to the empty room.

His presence faded away. Unfortunately the dreams, just like the one I’d had on the plane, did not.

The infirmary was on the level below the main operations, which occupied the top floors of the Academy skyscrapers, and was not far from where Josephine had once held my parents prisoner. It was early and Steph – dressed in a killer pair of apricot skinny jeans and an off-white peasant-style shirt – had met me outside the Academy first thing with a couple of to-go coffees.

God, I’ve missed my best friend.

‘Where’s Gray?’ she asked.

I followed her through the back entrance and towards the private lifts, where I took the opportunity to throw on the cloak I still had from the previous night. I knew it was now a futile disguise, but that didn’t stop me from clinging to it. I could already feel Lincoln nearby and my insides were flipping like a fish out of water.

‘He and Onyx bonded over bourbon. I tossed a glass of water on his face before I left this morning. He won’t be far behind.’

‘Got it,’ she said with a snicker.

I noticed as we walked through the halls that no evidence of the damage caused the day Lilith and Phoenix blew up the majority of the Academy remained. It all looked new.

Pity you can’t cover up memories with a fresh coat of paint.

When we reached the entrance I wasn’t surprised to see that the infirmary was well-guarded by Grigori. I didn’t, however, expect them to immediately stand aside as we neared. At first I wondered if Josephine had informed them I would be coming down, only to remember they wouldn’t be able to recognise me beneath my black hood.

It wasn’t me for whom they stood aside so quickly. It was Steph.

‘I see Lincoln isn’t the only one who’s moved up in the ranks,’ I said. ‘Last time I was here a human would never be allowed any authority.’

Steph smiled and I didn’t miss her pride. ‘Griffin gave his seat of power to me a while back. He didn’t want to leave our city unprotected but the Assembly kept pushing for him to play a part here.’

I tried not to react to her mention of our home city and all the memories it stirred.

‘In the end he sent me as a kind of proxy until he could find the right Grigori to take over from him there. Spence had already left to bring Chloe here for her training and I knew Sal and Zoe were keen for us to all stay together. I didn’t have anything else holding me to home, so …’ She shrugged. ‘Here I am.’

‘What about Jase?’ I asked, knowing that she might not have stayed behind for her dysfunctional relationship with her parents, but she and her brother, Jase, had always been tight.

Her smile slipped. ‘After everything that went down, he knew too much to leave it alone. In the end I gave in and told him and he … he just couldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to be part of this world and he didn’t want me in it either. He gave me an ultimatum: him or Grigori.’ She shook her head. ‘I tried to explain that it wouldn’t make any difference to just pretend exiles and Grigori didn’t exist and I told him how I loved Sal completely and that meant I couldn’t ever leave him.’

My eyes dropped.

Steph briefly covered her mouth with hand looking mortified. ‘Oh, Vi. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You and Lincoln are different, I know that.’

I shook my head. ‘I know. So, what happened?’

‘It was gradual. He called me less and less. I spent more and more time staying with Sal, and Jase spent more and more time avoiding home. Finally, one day I called him and he didn’t answer. He never called me back.’

‘Oh, Steph, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?’

She grimaced. ‘I don’t know. We’ve spoken so little and I never really knew what you did and didn’t want to hear. I guess I just tried to stick to the good stuff, hoping it might make you want to come back.’

Guilt gnawed away at me from the inside. ‘I’ve been such a terrible friend. To you and Spence.’

‘Don’t, Vi. Spence and I above anyone else understood you did what you had to do. We’ve never blamed you for anything.’

I nodded, feeling ashamed anyway. ‘So,’ I said, reverting to our original subject. ‘How did Josephine react when you showed up in New York?’

‘She went nuts, of course. She called an Assembly vote to veto Griffin’s decision, but Griffin has a lot of support and the votes in his favour won out. So much so that he’s been approached more than once to consider moving for a seat on the Assembly, but he insists he isn’t interested. Anyway, since then Josephine has had to accept my position here.’ Steph grinned. ‘We have our run-ins every now and then but I think I’ve grown on her.’

I absorbed all of this. I was so proud of Steph for standing her ground and carving out a place for herself in this reality. Mostly, I was impressed to see she really believed in her position within this world and not because I’d brought her into it, but because of her own endeavours.

‘Do you ever regret it?’ I asked. ‘Wish you could go back to that day I told you everything and just not know?’

‘Never. Not even for a fleeting moment,’ she answered. And her sureness left me envious.