Falling

41

Sitting here, nursing my beer that has now grown warm, I watch as Gavin talks to some blonde who’s wearing way too much makeup. I want to leave, but I don’t want to go back home. Home and work, those are the only places I seem to find myself lately. But that’s all it was before Candace, so why should I expect it to be any different after her? It feels different, but the routine is the same. I work, I go out with Gavin, and I go home—alone. I’m always alone. There was a time not too long ago that I liked it. Now . . . I hate it. So even though I sit here, miserable and bored in this bar, it’s better than being alone.

Gavin keeps trying to sling girls at me, but the thought of touching anyone other than Candace is something that I just can’t stomach yet. A part of me wants to. Desperate to do anything to get her out of my head, but then I get scared of losing her, even if my head is the only place she exists for me. I’m torn. Lonely, but unwilling to walk away from the girl who doesn’t want me.

Another chick approaches, and as soon as she lays her hand on my knee, I’m out of my seat and walking away to go get another drink from the bar.

“Can I get another?” I ask the bartender as I set down my bottle.

“I don’t understand why you keep coming out if you’re just gonna be a dick,” Gavin says when he slides up next to me at the bar.

Looking over at him, I ask, “Who am I being a dick to?”

“This place is loaded with chicks, but you’re the biggest pussy in here.”

“Nice,” I say as I laugh with annoyance.

He turns to lean his side against the bar and gives me a serious look before saying, “She’s gone, man.”

When the guy from behind the bar hands me my beer, I take a long draw, but it hurts to swallow past the lump in my throat that reared itself at the mere mention of her. Setting the bottle down, I turn and say with irritation, “Yeah? And what if I don’t want her to be?”

He sighs when he responds in a matter-of-fact voice, “It doesn’t seem to be about what you want. She holds the cards on this one because you handed over that power when you fell for her.”

He’s right. I’ve always called the shots with chicks until Candace. It sucks to have someone else dictating your destiny, but with her . . . I wouldn’t have it any other way. If this is what she needs, to be away from me, then I’ll stay away.

“You wanna know what’s gonna make you better? Make you forget?” he asks me.

“What’s that?”

He lifts his arm, beer in hand, and points over the crowd of people as he says, “Take your pick.” When he turns to look at me, he gives a smirk and adds, “Just like old times.”

I might not know what my life is right now, but I do know that it isn’t this. It vanished when I met Candace. She made me see this for what it is. She showed me a different version of myself—a version that I was happy to be. So this? This is nothing but a distraction that I no longer want.

Before taking a sip of his beer, he mutters, “I never understood what you saw in her anyway.”

“What’s your problem?”

“Nothing. Just being honest. She was just so different than your normal type. I didn’t get it.”

Tossing a few bucks on the bar, I get up and tell Gavin, “I’m going home.”

“Ryan,” he calls out as I make my way to the door, but there’s nothing here for me. Who am I kidding? No matter where I am, my misery follows, so I might as well be home.

When I was hanging out with Jase the other night, he told me about his plans to go over to Westport for a day trip to get some surfing in. Needing the headspace, I decide to tag along. He met me at my place earlier this morning, and after several hours of driving, we unload my jeep and zip up our wetsuits before heading out into the water.

For the first time in a while, I feel good. If only for a moment, being out here in the water, my head finally settles as I simply enjoy the breaking waves as I ride them. The salt on my face and the sun that’s starting to break through the clouds is freeing in a way. Being out of Seattle and away from the gloom that seems to follow, I take a break as I straddle my board and stare out over the endless water.

“The breaks are pretty decent today,” Jase says as he paddles over to me.

“Yeah. The tide is starting to come in.”

Shifting himself to sit up on his board, he asks, “You doing okay?”

I nod my head, but I know he isn’t just talking about surfing, and curiosity gets to me when I decide to ask, because I just can’t avoid it. No matter what she says or what she does, I can’t forget about her. I can’t stop caring about her, so I go ahead and ask, “How is she?”

Running his hand through his hair, he says, “She’s better.”

“Yeah?”

“She started seeing a therapist a couple weeks ago,” he tells me. “She’s been going a couple times a week.”

“That’s good.” It relieves me to hear that she’s finally talking to someone, but at the same time, it’s hard to not be there to support her.

“Yeah. She’s been working really hard, trying to sort everything out.”

When I don’t respond, he questions, “What about you?”

“I don’t know, man. I’m fuckin’ stuck. Like I’m just waiting for something I’m not sure is gonna happen.”

“With her?”

Nodding my head, I ask hesitantly, “Should I be?”

“Waiting?” he questions.

“Yeah.”

Looking out over the water, avoiding having to face me, he breathes out, “I don’t think so.”

It’s the reality I’ve been trying to hide from. I’ve been hanging on to a thread of hope, but hearing those words from Jase, they hold an honesty that there’s no more hiding from.

“She’s working hard on pulling herself together, to make sense of the madness she’s been living in. Maybe you should do more for yourself too. I hate to see you stagnant, waiting for something that doesn’t seem likely to happen at this point.”

I hear his words, and they’re hard to take. I don’t want to accept them, but he makes it clear what I should do when he adds a hard truth to my reality, saying, “I think it’s time you just walk away from it. She seems to have.”

How do you walk away from someone that still occupies so much of your heart? To be so certain about something just to turn your back on it? And how can she move on so quickly when I’m still in pieces over here? It sucks to have all these questions that I can’t get any closure with. To constantly be wondering and hoping.

“I’ve tried talking to her, tried telling her how you feel about everything, but she shuts me down. She said she just needs to be on her own.”

“No, I get it,” I mumble. “You don’t need to say anything to her. If she’s happy . . . that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her.”

“Sorry, man.”

“It’s life,” I say as I lie down on my board and paddle back out.

“So, I’m planning on leaving here next Friday morning,” my mom tells me as I sit in my office at home.

“Mom, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“It’s your birthday,” she exclaims, but we both know that’s not her reasoning for wanting to come.

“You never drive up here for my birthday. I know you’re coming to see Candace dance, but I just don’t know if that’s a good idea at this point.”

“I told her I was going to be there. I would feel awful if I didn’t show up. This is a huge night for her, and I’ve never seen her dance.”

“I just . . .”

“Her family turned their backs on her; I’m not going to do the same. I want to support her. No matter what happens with you guys, I’d like to at least offer my support.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen with us, Mom,” I tell her as I shut the lid to my laptop.

“How do you know that?”

“Jase told me last week that she’s done, and I should just walk away. So that’s what I’m trying to do.”

“I’m sorry, dear. I know you love her.”

Having her so close, blending so nicely with my mom and me, it was perfect. It’s something I don’t think I’ll be able to find again. Something I’m not sure I want to open myself up to again.

“You still there?” she asks when I don’t say anything.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Are you okay?”

Taking a hard swallow, I admit, “I don’t know how to be okay. I don’t how she’s moving on when I can’t.”

“Maybe she isn’t. Maybe she’s hurting just like you are.”

“Then why isn’t she coming back?” I ask as my voice slips.

“She could just be scared.”

“It’s been over a month, and I wanna run to her every day, but I know if I do, I’ll only be hurting her. She lives right down the fuckin’ street from me, but it’s like she’s across the world.”

My mother is at a loss for words, so I cut the conversation short, not wanting to talk any more, but as soon as we hang up, Tori’s name flashes on my phone when it starts ringing again.

“Hey, Tor.”

“Hey, how are you? I talked to Aunt Donna earlier today. Why didn’t you tell me what happened?”

“There’s not much to talk about,” I clip out.

“Well, what happened?”

Leaning back in my chair, I say, “You were right. I wasn’t honest with her and fucked everything up.”

“What did you lie about?”

“It doesn’t matter. I kept something from her that I shouldn’t have, and it’s done.” I’m tired and just need to blow this off so she doesn’t keep me on the phone. “Look, it was over a month ago, so there’s not much to say about it. Moving on.”

“Got it,” she responds. “You coming back here for Memorial Day weekend?”

“Maybe. Haven’t thought about it. But, hey, I’m gonna hit the sack, so I’ll talk to you later,” I tell her so I can hang up.

I’m about to throw the damn phone across the room when it starts ringing again, but this time when I answer it, all I hear on the other end is panic.

“Ryan?”

“Hey, Max. What’s going on?”

“Traci’s in labor. We’re heading to the hospital.” His voice is rushed, and I can’t help but laugh at the fear in him.

“So why are you calling me? Shouldn’t you be driving?” I ask with a chuckle.

“Because I know when I get there it’s gonna be us and her crazy-ass sisters driving me insane.”

“You better watch it,” I hear Traci bark at him in the background.

“Dude—”

“Okay. I’ll admit. I’m scared shitless,” he tells me when Traci butts in, saying, “You’re scared? Are you serious? I’m the one about to have a baby here and you’re on the phone with your buddy because you’re scared?”

“Shit, you’ve got your hands full,” I laugh, and the next thing I hear is Traci as she says, “Ryan? You there?”

“Hey, Trace.”

“Tell your buddy to calm the hell down and to stop being a pansy.”

The dramatics of this late night call are cracking me up, and I do not envy Max with having his girl fed up with him.

The phone muffles and then Max says, “You coming to the hospital?”

“You need to relax before Traci rips your head off, but yeah, I’ll be there.”

Seeing Max with a baby is a head-trip for me. Traci went into labor quickly, and by the time they made it to the hospital, it was too late for her to get any drugs, so now Max has some god-awful scratches on his arms where she took her pain out on him. But in the end, they have a healthy baby boy.

The sheer happiness splayed across his face is something that any man would envy. Max is content, and I couldn’t be happier for him, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t panged with a slight sense of jealousy. I never thought that settling down and having a family was in the cards for me, but with Candace, I was starting to believe that it could be a possibility. So in my attempt to move on, I hold his baby in my arms and shut my selfish emotions out as I sit here with one of my good friends as he gushes over his new son.