Falling

51

“Marry me.”

His softest words are the most powerful and hit hard inside of my heart as it begins to race when shock takes it over.

“What?” I softly whisper because he’s caught me so off guard with his question that my mind is spinning.

“Marry me,” he repeats with a clarity I can’t deny. With a certainty I’ve always depended on him for. He’s the warmth I draw my strength from. My safe place to rest my head when it won’t stop torturing me.

Each word falls right through me, and all I can do is give him a nod of my head.

His smile is perfection as he covers me in it, kissing me with his whole heart. The only heart that has been able to unravel me. The heart that showed me my heart could still breathe when I felt as if it was suffocating. He walked right inside of me and brought me back to life. He promised me he wouldn’t let me fade. I didn’t believe him at the time, but he fought for me. I thought I’d lost who I was, but with each day, he gives me a piece of my old self back. A playfulness I thought was gone. A happiness I never thought I’d feel again. A security I thought was forever stolen from me.

When he pulls back, his face is intent, looking straight through me to my core as he says, “Tell me, babe. Give me the words.”

Taking his face in my hands, I can’t hold in my emotions when the tears slip out. “Let’s get married.”

He pulls me to his chest as he loops his arm behind my knees, cradling me in his hold as he picks me up. The giggles slip out, the pure reflection of joy as he carries me upstairs to his room, shutting the door behind him. Laying me down in bed, he crawls over me and pulls the sheets over us.

“Tell me you love me,” he whispers against my skin as he runs his hand underneath my top and gently squeezes my breast.

“I’ve only ever loved you,” I pant as he slowly grazes my nipple with his thumb.

His lips find my neck, and he begins to kiss and nibble his way down as he grabs the hem of my shirt and slips it off of me. I know what he wants, and I want to give it to him, but knowing the house is full of people, my nerves take over.

“Ryan, wait.”

Lifting his head, he looks down at me and reads me well when he says, “Baby, I wanna make love to you.”

“But—”

“You’re all that exists for me right now,” he tells me, and my eyes fall shut with his words.

His warm lips cover mine, and I let go of the worry, handing it over to him because I know he’ll always take care of me. Running his kisses down the center of my chest, he moves to my breast and drags his tongue over the lace bra that’s still covering me. The sensation is powerful as he gently sucks my nipple into the heat of his mouth. He takes his hand and slides it behind me, unhooking my bra and dropping it to the floor. Ryan stares down at me, then meets my eyes, saying, “I never knew it could be like this.”

His words bring a smile to my face when I respond, “Me neither.”

We go slow, the same way we always do. He’s never rushed with me, always taking his time, but knowing that he wants to be mine—to be my husband—creates an underlying intensity. A piece of the puzzle that we’ve finally found. A wholeness that we can bring each other. And when we have each other undressed, he quietly slips inside of me and holds himself there. Still. His breathing is heavy, and I can feel the swarm of his emotions take over him. I see it in eyes as he keeps them locked on mine.

I pull him down to me, needing the weight of him to cover me as I press my hands into his back to keep him close. Tonight is different. Bared in a way we’ve never been with each other. The love I feel for this man is more than my body can handle, and when I release a whimper, he begins to move inside of me.

His head is nestled in the curve of my neck, and I run my hands up his back and into his hair, holding his head in my hands, and when he draws his head back, I see his cheeks are damp with tears. I don’t say anything; I know exactly how he feels because his tears reflect the ones that run down the sides of my face.

Rolling to the side, we lie face to face. He takes my leg and drapes it over his hip as he grabs me from behind, guiding me with him. I keep my hands on his face and hold him close, both of us quietly releasing our love and happiness through tears. The room fills with nothing but soft breaths of pleasure as we make love, giving ourselves entirely with the certainty that we are perfect for each other. Feeling secure, knowing that through it all our love has never stalled. It only grows.

Waking up in the morning, the room is cold, and I snuggle in tighter to Ryan who is just starting to stir. I watch as he slowly begins to open his eyes, and before he can fully wake, he has a cheesy grin on his face when he rolls me on top of him.

“Morning,” he says in his sexy rasp before I lower my lips to his, giving him a gentle kiss.

When I shiver in his arms, he rolls me back onto the bed, and wraps his arms around me.

“Mmm, you’re still naked,” he teases with a grin, and I tuck my head down into his chest. “Why are you so shy with me still?”

“Ryan,” I softly nag.

“I’m not complaining. I like that you’re still shy and reserved around me.”

Peeking up at him, he kisses my forehead, and adds, “But I’m not gonna lie, I love feeling your skin all over me.”

“Stop,” I say, feeling the blush heat my cheeks as he quietly laughs.

He runs his hands through my hair as he looks at me, saying, “Tell me last night wasn’t a dream.”

“Which part?”

“The part where you said you’d marry me.”

Smiling, I tell him, “I hope it wasn’t a dream.”

“Do you have any idea how happy you make me?” he asks, not letting me answer when he kisses the smile on my face.

He keeps his lips on me as he starts running his kisses across my cheek and down my neck. Holding on to him, I close my eyes as he sends tingles down my arms. “I don’t wanna wait,” I whisper.

“For what,” he mumbles against my skin.

“To marry you.”

He pulls back to look at me, and agrees, “I don’t either.”

“Well, I was thinking . . . umm . . .”

“Just say it,” he tells me as he brushes my hair back.

“What about Indian Beach?”

“To get married?” he asks.

I nod my head, saying, “I love it there.” It’s where we went this very day last year when he told me that he wanted to be with me. It’s where he taught me how to surf. It’s a place the two of us go together every time we come to Cannon Beach. And I know it’s his favorite beach too.

“Sounds perfect.”

“But . . .” I start hesitantly. “What if we just did it this weekend?”

“In two days?”

“Or three,” I say coyly, wondering if he’s thinking I’m crazy for suggesting doing it so soon.

“Babe, don’t you want a big wedding and have everyone there?” he asks, concerned.

Letting out a soft breath, I tell him, “I never wanted a big wedding. You know me; I don’t want all that. I just want us.”

He gives me a kiss and then questions, “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Just us,” I assure him before adding with a smile, “And a pretty dress.”

“What about everything else?”

“There is nothing else. I just want you, but no cheesy tux. Promise me no tux.”

He laughs at me and asks, “Why’s that?”

“Because it isn’t you.”

“Okay, no cheesy tux,” he agrees with a sexy smirk, and the smile on my face can’t even reflect the happiness that I feel right now.

After he makes sure he is satisfied from thoroughly kissing me, he says, “We should go downstairs. Everyone is leaving this morning, so we should make an appearance.”

“Can we not tell them?” I suggest, and when he tilts his head in question, I add, “I don’t want all the fuss. Can we just tell your mom when everyone leaves?”

“Of course, babe,” he says and then gets out of bed.

After we take our showers and get dressed, we head downstairs to visit before everyone heads home, except Tori, who is going to stay so that she can go shopping with Donna.

“Hey, Mom. Can Candace and I talk to you for a minute?” Ryan asks as she is finishing up a pot of tea for herself and me.

“Sure,” she says with a curious eye as Ryan takes my hand and starts walking back to the study.

“What’s going on?” Donna asks as the three of us stand there.

My stomach is filled with butterflies, wondering how she’s going to react to this sudden news. I think Ryan and I are still in a bit of shock with the spontaneity of it all, but it’s what we both want.

Ryan doesn’t waste any time when he comes right out and says, “I asked Candace to marry me last night.”

“What?!” she squeals and looks to me, and then down at my hand, and Ryan catches her eyes.

“No ring, Mom,” he says.

She shakes her head, questioning, “So . . .?” and I laugh as I assure her, “I said yes.”

“Oh my God!” Donna wraps her arms around both of us, and I can’t stop laughing at her reaction. Happy, joyful, and everything else you would wish for from a parent.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” she nearly scolds Ryan when she pulls back. “And why didn’t you get her a ring?”

“I don’t need a ring,” I butt in and tell her.

“Because,” Ryan interrupts, “I never thought of asking her until last night. It just happened, and before I knew it, I asked and she said yes.”

“This is just wonderful news, you two,” she beams with an ear to ear smile.

“But we need your help,” he says.

“Yes, anything.”

“We want to get married here. Either Saturday or Sunday.”

“This Saturday or Sunday?” she questions.

“Yeah,” he says while I nod my head.

“What’s this Saturday or Sunday?” Tori asks as she walks in.

Donna doesn’t say anything and looks to me, but Ryan goes ahead and tells her as he steps behind me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “Candace and I are getting married.”

“What?!” She gives the same squealed reaction as Donna. “In two days?!”

“Or three,” I mumble quietly, starting to feel a little embarrassed with the reactions.

“How are you supposed to plan a wedding in two days?”

“Tori, stop,” Ryan tells her, and when she looks at me, she back pedals as I’m sure she can see the embarrassment written all over my face. “I’m sorry, Candace.”

“No, it’s fine,” I tell her and then look over at Donna. “We don’t want a big wedding or anything. We were just thinking we could go to Indian Beach in a couple days and simply get married. That’s all.”

Her warm smile soothes the anxiety that Tori was starting to give me and softly says, “I think that’s perfect, dear.”

“We just need someone to do the ceremony, so could you call the church you attend and see if one of the pastors is available? We’ll work around his schedule,” Ryan says to her.

“Of course. I’ll call right now, but you two will need to go to the courthouse to get a license today,” she tells us.

“What about flowers, or a cake, or—” Tori starts.

“Nothing,” Ryan tells her.

“Really?” she asks, looking at me, and I tell her, “Really. I just want a dress. That’s all I need.” But then it hits me . . . it isn’t all I need. Turning in Ryan’s arms, I look up at him, and before I can speak, he reads the panic in me, asking, “What’s wrong?”

“We have to call Jase. I can’t get married without him. I just . . .”

“We’ll call him, babe. No worries.”

Jase is my family, the closest person I have in my life next to Ryan. I couldn’t imagine doing this without him by my side.

“Well, then,” Donna says. “I’ll get on the phone and start making calls. Why don’t the two of you go ahead and drive to the courthouse and call Jase on the way. As soon as I get things figured out on my end, I call and let you know, okay?”

“Thanks, Mom.”

Donna walks over to me and takes my hands in hers, saying, “You have no idea how happy you’ve just made me.”

“Really?”

“We’ll talk later, dear,” she assures and then adds, “I’ll get a list of dress shops together so when you get back, you can decide where to go first.”

“I was hoping that you could take me,” I say, and when her eyes rim with tears and she nods her head, she tells me, “I’d love nothing more,” before hugging me.

After Ryan and I left to head to the courthouse, I called Jase to tell him what was going on. He was shocked, which I expected, but hopped on the computer and was able to switch the flights for him and Mark, and they will be here tomorrow evening.

When Ryan and I got back home, Donna had spoken with one of the pastors at her church, and he agreed to marry us Saturday at five. He wants to meet with the two of us later today, so Donna and I are going to try our best to find me a dress before we have our appointment at the church.

Walking into the first dress shop, I have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for. So when one of the bridal consultants approaches and asks, I tell her, “Simple. I really like lace.”

“Not a problem. You’re quite small, so if you are looking to buy off the rack, you’re limited,” she tells me as she leads us through the mass of wedding gowns.

Donna and I begin to pull dresses. Most are pretty detailed, so I only take a small handful back to the fitting room to try on. I step out and show Donna a couple of the dresses, but it isn’t until the third one that I know.

Stepping out of the fitting room and onto the platform in front of the mirrors, Donna stands behind me to tie the satin sash around my waist. Smoothing my hands over the ivory lace, I look at myself in the mirror and just know that this is the dress I want Ryan to see me in. It’s sleeveless with a v-neck front and a plunging v-cut dip in the back with a champagne colored satin sash around the waist. It’s form-fitting and simple with a tiny sweep-train and solid lace, which I know Ryan has an affinity for.

“I love it,” I say as Donna steps to the side.

“It’s perfect, dear.”

The hem is a tad long, but it’ll do. Everything else fits perfectly. I never saw myself getting married. I dreamt about it as a little girl, but never really considered it as I got older.

It’s odd to see myself like this. As a bride. It even sounds weird; but I love him. Even when I wasn’t with him, I never stopped loving him.

“What do you think?” Donna asks, and when I look at her in the mirror, I nod my head.

Thinking about Ryan seeing me in this dress, thinking about becoming his wife, thinking about this past year—it all overpowers me, and I quickly wipe the tears that begin to drop. Donna steps onto the platform with me and gives me a hug.

“I certainly hope these are happy tears,” she quietly says, and when I pull back and see another bride walking in, Donna takes my hand and walks us to my fitting room, closing the heavy curtain.

“Are you okay?” she asks as we sit on the small couch.

“It’s a lot,” I tell her.

She gives me a questioning look and I assure, “Not like that; I love Ryan. Just . . . this past year has been a huge change. One I never saw coming.”

“I can’t even imagine.”

And out of nowhere, I think about my parents. About my father, and how everything has decayed with them. I was about to leave for New York without ever telling them, and now I’m about to get married. It hurts.

“My parents don’t even know,” I mumble as more tears fall.

“Sweetheart,” she says as she pulls me into her arms. “Well . . . do you think you should call them? I mean, when’s the last time you spoke with them?”

Sitting back, I tell her, “Last Christmas. It’s been a year. Ryan said he saw my dad several months ago at one of my performances, but he didn’t even want to talk to me. He told Ryan to not tell me he was there.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It just makes me sad.”

“Of course it does,” she says. “Love doesn’t disappear just because the people do.”

“I’m not sure they ever loved me,” I choke out around the knot in my throat. “But it feels weird to move on without them.”

“What does Ryan say?”

“What can he say?” I tell her with a slight shrug of my shoulders. “He’s supportive regardless, but it’s hard not to think about them right now. I know them well enough to know that it’s done with and has been for a long time.”

She takes my hands, and tells me, “I don’t claim to have been the perfect mother to Ryan. I let him down in so many ways. I didn’t protect him like I should have, and I know that. But I’ve never once not loved him with everything that I am. I don’t know your parents, so I can’t speak for them, but I feel like I have gotten to know you well this past year. And you have a beautiful soul. I couldn’t imagine anyone better for my son than you. To be able to call you my daughter, I can’t tell you what that means to me.” Her tears fall along with mine, and I soak in her words. “I love you as if you were my own.”

Wiping my face, I don’t feel like I could possibly speak, but I force the words out because she deserves to hear them when I explain, “It’s always been hard for me to talk to people.” I stop, trying to take a breath through my shaky voice but then continue with my trembling, strained words. “I don’t open up easily, I know that. But you made it easy. You and Ryan both. And when I told you, the night of my solo, that you were the best gift Ryan ever gave me . . . I meant every word. It killed me not to have him for those few months, but it killed not to have you either. I never understood what a mom’s love felt like until you.”

We spend a few minutes hugging each other before we dry our tears and have a good laugh at our emotional mess.

“Here, let me untie you,” she says as we stand up and she loosens the sash. “Should we look for a wrap or something? You’re going to be freezing wearing only this.”

“This dress is beautiful. I don’t want to cover it up,” I tell her.

“But it’s the middle of winter.”

Looking back at her, I say, “Ryan will keep me warm.”

When she steps out, I slip off the dress and put my clothes back on. Donna tried talking me into a veil and jewelry, but I politely declined. Unfortunately, there was no declining when she insisted on buying the dress.

The past two days have been a whirlwind. After we met with Pastor Andrews the other evening, Ryan ordered dinner in and watched the new episode of ‘Ridiculousness’ with me. Donna couldn’t believe that I liked that show, and she and Ryan had a heck of a time teasing me, but I know it was all in good fun. It was nice to veg out in front of the TV with the two of them.

I decided to go by myself to pick up Ryan’s ring yesterday. As much as he likes to tease me, he loves nice things just as much as I do, so I decided on a timeless, brushed-platinum band. I waited while they engraved it for me, and by the time I got back to the house, Jase and Mark had just arrived. They were exhausted from spending the day traveling, so we all crashed early.

When I stir awake, Ryan is already up. Threading his hands through my hair, he says, “Morning, babe.”

“Morning.”

Inching his way down in bed, and facing me, he smiles, saying, “I feel like an antsy kid.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I get my everything today,” he says. “You nervous?”

“No. You?”

He pulls me flush against him, whispering, “No,” before kissing me.

When we finally make it downstairs, Donna and Jase are cooking while Mark drinks his coffee and watches. We all sit around and enjoy a long breakfast together before Ryan and I throw on our raincoats to take a walk along the beach.

The skies are dark and a heavy mist fills the air as we head down the beach and find a spot to sit. Settling between his legs, I lean back into his arms. “Talk to me,” I request.

“About what?”

“Anything,” I say, simply wanting to hear his voice.

He tightens his arms around me, and tells me, “I don’t want you to worry about anything. Thinking that marrying me is going to change us.”

I smile at his words because somehow he just knew what I needed to hear. “I’m glad you said that.”

He shifts me to face him and says, “I love us just the way we are. I want to marry you because I want forever with you. I want it all, and I know you’re the only one who can give it to me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I tell him.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

Running my hand along his cheek, I give him the only words I can find, “My only wish is that I can give you everything you’ve given me.”

“You already have, babe. You’re enough.”

I cuddle into his chest as we sit in the cold, in no rush to get back to the house. I need the quiet with him. I always will because I’ve come to depend on the closeness.

Ryan is spending the afternoon with his mom and Mark, letting me have the next couple of hours alone with Jase before we head to the beach. I sit in Ryan’s room while Jase changes in the bathroom. My dress hangs in front of the window, and I sit on the bed, staring at it, thoughts filling my head, wondering how I wound up here when it wasn’t that long ago that I was wishing I had died by that dumpster.

And then there was Ryan. The stranger that sat with me while I lay there naked and unconscious on the ground. The stranger who is now about to become my husband.

Ryan is an amazing man. More than I ever thought I deserved. He’s always loved me, and no matter what we have dealt with, he’s never wavered. He’s always held my heart above his. Always giving me a safe place to fall. From the start he saw through my walls, to the darkest part of me, and found my light.

“What are you thinking about?” Jase says as he walks into the room.

“How I got here.”

He sits next to me on the bed and holds my hand. “Remember that morning when Mark and I were talking to you about Ryan? I was being way too protective, worrying that you two might be interested in each other.”

Looking at him, I nod my head, recalling that morning. The morning after Ryan returned my leopard scarf I had left at The xx concert.

“And you remember when you told me that you thought you wouldn’t ever be able to fall in love, and I told you that one day you’ll get everything you deserve?”

“Yeah.”

“This is that day for you.”

His words make me cry. We’ve been through so much together. Jase has always been my heart. We’ve depended on each other for almost five years now. From the moment I met him, I loved him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Ryan has never questioned our relationship, and neither has Mark. It was always Jase and I—for years—before Mark and Ryan walked in. They blended seamlessly with us, and Jase and I have found a way to open ourselves up to our boyfriends.

“I love you,” I tell him.

“I know you do. And I love you.”

Feeling extremely overwhelmed by today, Jase sits with me while I let the tears stream down my face. But it’s when I see his own tears slip out that I turn to face him as he says, “Tell me that this won’t change. You and me.”

“Nothing will ever change you and me.”

“I know that you’re Ryan’s, but you are always going to be my girl.” He wipes my tears with his thumbs, but they’re falling too fast for him to catch.

“You’re my heart. You always have been. But now, Ryan holds that heart,” I tell him. “My love for you will always be there. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”

Jase holds me as we share this moment with each other. He was the first person I ever trusted. The first one I ever shared my heart with. Never once has anything come between us. He’s my constant—I’ve never had to hide from him. But it’s because of him that I was able to fall in love with Ryan, and for that, I love him even more. Jase always believed that I would find love, that I would find happiness when I thought my life had been too far destroyed for any hope of that happening. He believed it, and he pushed me when I was scared to open my heart to Ryan.

The tears finally subside, and I freshen up before Jase helps me get dressed. When he’s done tying my sash, I turn to face him as he looks me over. He smiles, and when his eyes meet mine, he says, “You look amazing, sweetheart.”

“Thank you . . . for everything you’ve ever been for me.”

“It’s just the beginning,” he says as he takes my hand. “You ready?”

“Just one more thing.” I walk over to the dresser and pick up the necklace that Ryan gave me. “Can you clasp this for me?”

I know it doesn’t go with the dress, but I wear it every day, and today is no different. So when Jase puts it on me, I know I’m ready.

“Let’s go,” I say.

Jase helps me into his car and drives to Ecola Park, through the winding streets until we get to Indian Beach. He parks the car, overlooking the beach down below where I see the pastor, Donna, Mark, Tori, and Ryan. I smile when I see him down there, wearing black slacks and a dark charcoal button-up shirt.

“No tux?” Jase says from the driver’s seat.

“I told him they were cheesy.” Taking his ring that I have been clutching in my hand, I give it to Jase to hold.

Keeping my eyes fixed on the people who mean the world to me standing below, I hear Jase as he reads the inscription, “I see you in colors that don’t exist.”

I’ve never been so sure of my life until now, and all I want is to feel his touch, so when I turn to Jase, I say, “Will you take me to him?”

He gets out of the car and walks over to my side, opening my door. I take his hand as he helps me out, and when I smooth down the lace, he says, “Grab the umbrella.”

“No umbrella.”

“You’re gonna ruin this dress, you know?”

“I know.”

Taking my hand, I lock my fingers with my best friend’s as he starts walking me over to the wooden steps that lead down to the beach. A thick blanket of grey covers the sky as the heavy mist falls from above. The sound of crashing waves fills the air, and when Jase gives my hand a squeeze, he begins walking me down the first flight of stairs. When we hit the landing before taking the last set of steps to the beach, Ryan turns to see me.

Ryan

My eyes hit her when I spot her on the stairs. God, she looks incredible, wearing nothing but lace with her hair down. She’s clutched to Jase, and I know she’s got to be freezing in this rain, but she’s never looked more beautiful.

When Jase starts leading her down, she keeps her eyes locked on me, and I can already see the tears running down her cold, pink cheeks. My heart begins to race at the mere sight of her, and I feel like the luckiest man. Everything about her is everything I dream about now.

She walks across the dense sand, rain puddles everywhere, but she doesn’t care. She walks right through them, dragging her dress through the water and sand. Before I can touch her, she turns to Jase and gives him a hug and kiss. When he gives her over to me, I run my hands down her soft, damp arms as she smiles through her tears. Pulling her into my arms, I take a moment and hold on to her, needing the closeness. I breathe her in, and when the pastor begins to speak, I keep my arms around her, giving her my warmth. We stand, wrapped up in each other, and no one else exists right now—only her.

We make our vows to each other, and when I take the ring from Tori, Candace keeps her eyes fixed on the vintage ring I found for her. When I saw the aged pearl, I knew it was perfect, and I love what it stands for because she’s the purest thing in my life. The pearl is set on a weathered gold band with a stamped filigree pattern. It’s simple, delicate, and when I slide it on her tiny finger, it couldn’t be more perfect.

We may not have a fairytale meeting, and we may not always have sunshine and roses, but what we do have is a raw love that is honest and true. And when the pastor declares her as my wife, I take my sweet time kissing her cold, rain-covered lips, tasting a life that is so much more promising now that she’s in it with me.

Wanting to get my girl warmed up, we say our goodbyes to everyone, and I take her up to my car. But before I open her door, I band my arms around her, and really kiss her. Moving my lips with hers as I run my hands down the smooth skin of her exposed back. And when I finally drag my lips away, I look down at her and ask, “Now what?”

“Let’s go home.”

Helping her up into the car, I tuck in the bottom of her lace dress, which is now soaked with rain and dirt. I grab her a blanket from the back seat and wrap it around her before I get in and start driving us back to Seattle. She holds my hand the entire way, and when we finally make it back to the loft, I carry her up the stairs and inside.

When I get her upstairs, we stand in the center of the room as I cradle her cheeks in my hands, saying, “You will never have to doubt your place in this world again because I swear I will spend forever making sure you’re right where you belong.”

I watch her eyes rim with tears while I run my hands down her neck and underneath the lace on her shoulders as I slowly begin peeling off her wedding dress.

I never knew that a person could be capable of falling as hard as I have for Candace. I spent so many years fearing the fall, but she made it effortless, taking all my fears away. With her, I know I’ll never get enough. I’m always gonna want more, and as I make love to my wife, I know I’m gonna spend the rest of my life falling.