I Am Curious (Thirty)

June 21

“Jan, you ought to go out more.”

“Go out more?”

“Yes. You should meet people. You should talk to men, get acquainted with them.”

“But you told me otherwise, Eric.”

“Times change.”

“So it seems.”

“One reaches a new stage in one’s development.”

“And have I reached a new stage?”

“You are about to.”

“You know, I never understand what this is all about. What the point of all this is. You know that I’ll do whatever you tell me to do.”

“Yes.”

“Though sometimes I wonder why that is.”

“Because you want it that way, Jan.”

“Do I?”

“You’re here, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

“Don’t be oblique.”

“I—”

“You have to be owned and directed. That’s very obvious. And you’ve come a long way, you know.”

“I’ve certainly come a lot, anyway.”

He turns, walks to the window, addresses his remarks in its direction.

“I think you should move about more. Go to some bars and cocktail lounges. Dress attractively. Affect an open personality. Smile warmly.”

“You mean let myself get picked up.”

“If the opportunity arises, why not?”

“You told me you didn’t want me to go with any other men.”

“That was at another stage in your growth.”

“Eric, what happened to those boys?”

“Boys?”

“David and Arnold.”

“Oh, your two fairies. Why, I don’t know what happened to them. Why do you ask?”

“They disappeared.”

“Fairies have a propensity for disappearing. They do it all the time.”

“What happened to them?”

“How should I know?”

“Did you... do something to them?”

He looks at me, stares into my eyes until I turn from him. Then, briskly, “I’ll be unavailable for a while. I’m leaving town, I may be away for some time.”

“And Susan—”

“Susan is also unavailable.”

“I see.”

“So you might find it profitable to develop some other contacts. With men or women, as you prefer.”

“Profitable?”

“Yes.”

“Does that mean I’m supposed to fuck men for money?”

A raised eyebrow, more of the smile. “Is that what you think you want to do, Jan?”

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what he wants of me, what he really wants of me. I don’t know... anything.

Oh.