I Am Curious (Thirty)

September 6

I know it’s just a reaction to the speed. At least I have the intelligence to know that much. But what good does it do me to know it?

I wish I were dead.

Was dead. Were dead. Who the hell cares?

I just drag myself around. All I can think of is what a fucking mess I’ve made of my life. What a complete mess.

Jason Silverblatt called. I couldn’t talk with him. I simply couldn’t bring myself to talk with him. I can manage a trick because that’s automatic, but I couldn’t talk to my lawyer. I told him to call back sometime.

I wonder if he’ll waste his time with me. Lawyers must be used to dealing with crazy people. They must have this sort of thing all the time.

Something Liz said. I should get a good settlement from Howard because I gave him the best years of my life. What a worn-out expression!

But it’s probably true. The best years of my life. The best years of my life are over now.

What’s left?