I Want It That Way

BONUS SCENE: SHEER LONGING (TY)

I stood just inside my patio doors, head resting against the glass. Sam had been more wound up than usual tonight, excited about starting school, and it took six stories to get him to sleep. If I had any common sense, I’d haul my ass to the drafting table instead of going outside to torture myself with a gorgeous girl I couldn’t have.

Ignoring the voice of reason, I stepped outside and stared up at her balcony. Before, she’d said she was avoiding me, which explained all the nights I’d spent waiting that she never showed. Nadia had me so tangled up, it was nuts. I was thinking about going back inside when she joined me. From this angle, she reminded me of Juliet, forever out of Romeo’s reach, and I shut down the urge to quote Shakespeare. Her smile was so fucking bright that my breath hitched. While I struggled to be casual, she lowered a basket to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, catching it instinctively.

“My mom sent treats. I’m sharing them, so we’ll both have delicious things.”

Surprise and pleasure warred for the upper hand, and the latter won by KO. I smiled as I unloaded the basket, taking stock. “Let me heat some water. I could use a cup of tea.”

“Sure.”

Quickly I went inside and popped a mug in the microwave. I almost spilled it coming back out, like she’d disappear if left unattended for two minutes. Nadia made me feel so unsure of...everything. Until she crashed into my life, the routine never deviated. Now instinct had a hold of me, pushing me out of my comfort zone. I opened the sliding glass doors and carried my drink over to the wicker sofa, where I’d set the treats.

“Back.” I flopped down, angling my head so I could see her. The darkness made it impossible to discern her features, but it was enough to know she wanted to sit out here with me. God only knows why. This was such a bad idea, a conclusion she’d come to herself, if she knew how much of an asshole I really was.

“Cookie first,” she ordered.

Gingersnaps didn’t usually do it for me, but their sharp sweetness and the heat on my tongue made me wonder if this was how Nadia tasted. She does now. I licked the crumbs from my fingers, aching. Her legs were fucking incredible, and one long look from those sea-blue eyes, and I had a hard time remembering what the hell I meant to say. For a few seconds, I pictured kissing her hard, shoving her up against my bedroom door— Right. Cookies.

“Phenomenal,” I managed.

She didn’t seem to glean anything from my tone, thank God. The last thing I need is for her to decide I’m a perv.

“Gingersnaps are my favorite, though at Christmas she does a peppermint-and-white-chocolate cookie that’s a serious contender.”

“Sounds like you miss your family.”

That was a harmless observation, part of the getting to know you crap that used to come naturally. It had been so long since I cared about anything or anyone but Sam. Tunnel vision kept me going, eyes on the horizon, but sometimes it was so fucking lonely that I went to sleep wrapped around a pillow.

“Yeah.”

You used to be good at this. Be a normal person. Talk to her.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

She seemed pleased, happy about my interest. You have no clue, beautiful. It had been a while since I’d felt this snap of pure attraction.

“Nebraska, toward the South Dakota and Wyoming side, if that helps.”

“I’ve never met anyone from there.”

Mount Albion wasn’t a prestigious college, though its reputation wasn’t awful, either. There were a hundred other college towns like it in the Midwest. I never pictured myself being here this long. I’d always wanted to live in California, and I had a sister there who was always bugging me to visit. But traveling with Sam always sounded like too much trouble.

“I usually get ‘not in Nebraska anymore’ jokes, and then I have to decide if I’m going to remind them that’s Kansas or play along.”

“What do you usually do?” Her answer would reveal a glimpse of her personality, and I was more fascinated than I should be.

“Play along.”

So she’s on the sweet side, huh? That dovetailed with what I knew about her, particularly how good she was with Sam. Earlier, when she took his hand and led him away, my stomach knotted up. It was so fucking hard to watch him walk away, but she made it easier. Everything about Nadia promised, Don’t worry, you can trust me. Too bad I hadn’t just been burned by love; Diana had set me on fire and stomped on my ashes, and only now did it feel like life might be returning. When I could least afford such a beautiful distraction.

I realized she was waiting for me to answer. Duh, dumbfuck. That’s how conversation works. “You don’t like conflict, huh?”

“Not if it can be avoided. I’m not what you’d call pugnacious, no. But I like to think I don’t back off important issues. What about you?”

The question knocked me back a few figurative steps. Diana was always in the back of my head, reminding me how bad I’d screwed up. My shoulders locked, guilt and regret tightening around my neck like a noose. “No. I don’t. Even when I should.”

Nadia went quiet. She didn’t answer for so long that I thought for sure she’d picked up on my mood. Most people didn’t pay attention to the nuances. If I told them I was a grumpy asshole, they accepted it, and left me to wallow in my bad attitude.

But she didn’t ask what I meant; instead, her voice flowed over me like auditory expiation. “We all have things we’d do differently in hindsight.”

The tension flowed out with my next breath, leaving calm in its wake. I marveled at the sweetness of the feeling. “What is it about you?”

“Huh?”

For some reason, I blurted out the truth. “You make me...better. Calmer.”

Smooth.

“Like a sedative?” Amusement colored her reply.

God, her voice was sexy, low and husky, as if she hovered on the verge of confiding a dirty secret. That was part of why I couldn’t get enough of these stolen conversations, however unwise they might be.

I rushed to explain. “I didn’t mean it like that. Just...I’m worried pretty much all the time that I’m dropping the ball somewhere, about to face-plant, but when I come out here and hear your voice, everything backs off, like, ten steps. I can breathe again.”

Wow. Nadia went to my bloodstream like sodium pentothal, making me tell the unqualified truth. I hadn’t talked like this since...Diana. The comparison chilled my blood, even as I told myself, No big deal. It wasn’t normal for me to have no relationships whatsoever, and it was past time I made some new friends.

Equilibrium lasted only until Nadia murmured, “I’m glad you look forward to this as much as I do.” Sharp, searing desire flared to life, and I tried to smother it as she went on, “I wasn’t trying to intrude that first night.”

“I know. But the unit had been vacant for a while. So I guess I forgot I wasn’t alone anymore.” That came out way more intimate than I intended, and I ran in mental circles, trying to figure out how to retreat without sounding like a dipshit.

I’m dying here. I swear I had more game in high school.

But she answered lightly. Somehow, no matter what crazy shit I said, she made it okay. “Nope. You’re stuck with me now. By the way, we’re having a party tomorrow night, at least thirty people, and the way word gets around, it may be more like fifty. I hope it won’t be too loud for Sam to sleep.”

The conversational gambit put us back on platonic, neighborly territory. “Thanks for the heads-up.”

Talking to Nadia was like ice-skating on a frozen pond. I could be racing along with the wind in my face and then, through my own idiocy, hit a hidden bump and dive headlong before I realized I was in danger of falling. What the hell were we talking about? I rubbed my head.

“Are you mad?”

“No, I’m problem-solving.” Plausible excuse. Better for her to think I was focused on Sam instead of reflecting on how bad she made me ache. “I’ll put him to bed with headphones on. Don’t worry, you’re not the only people with social lives around here, and most of them don’t check in with me.”

Her response was hesitant. “I’d invite you to come, but—”

“Another time,” I cut in. “My folks watch him the last weekend of the month. They tell me to get out, have fun, but I usually just sleep as much as I can.”

“And that’s the only time,” she muttered.

“I heard that.” Smirking, I shifted so I could see her better.

Maybe that was a mistake. She’d sat forward, as well, elbows on the balcony railing, and the moonlight found hollows at the base of her throat and between her breasts. Her shoulders were bare and smooth, gleaming until I couldn’t think of anything but touching her skin. Dark hair spilled down her back in tousled curls, and I imagined sinking my hands into them, kissing her until— Fuck. I shifted, hoping like hell that she couldn’t tell how hard I was. She licked her lips, which didn’t help.

“I wasn’t trying to slip it past you,” she said.

Slip—what? Oh. Yeah.

“That doesn’t seem like your style.”

“I only meant that you look tired. Not that you aren’t also—” Too bad she stopped talking. It seemed like the rest might be intriguing.

Against my better judgment, I prompted, “What?”

“Nothing.”

There was no way I could go to bed without finding out what she almost said; we had a definite moth-to-flame vibe going. If I kept circling, sooner or later, I’d catch fire. But she might be worth the pain.

Curious, I tried a coaxing tone. “Finish that sentence. Please, Nadia?”

She hesitated. “On one condition.”

Of course. There was no way she’d just answer without tying me up in codicils. I didn’t want to be disappointed; I hated that I was.

“What’s that?”

“Answer one question for me.”

“That depends on what it is.” I was already losing interest in this game. She probably wanted to hear why I was a single dad and what went wrong. Women often painted me as a tragic hero, and that pissed me off. I didn’t deserve bonus points for taking care of my own kid. That was why I preferred hooking up with girls who knew nothing about me, another reason I should stop talking to Nadia.

But she veered toward the unexpected. “Tell me what you dream of designing, once you’re a big-deal architect.”

“Oh.” I silently apologized for my cynical, shitty mental accusations, eating a peanut butter cup as I tried to decide if I should reply honestly. “It’s good to hear you say it so implicitly, like my success is assured. The road feels really long sometimes.”

“I can imagine.”

“I’ve been in school since I was eighteen, but after Sam was born, I cut down to part-time. Anyway, you didn’t ask to hear me whine.” I paused, doubt bashing me in the head. “Damn. I don’t know if I can answer this after all. I’ve never told anyone.”

“It’s okay, but...in that case, I won’t be completing my sentence.”

I swore. Hell if I’d punk out before she did, even if this made me look incredibly lame. “You drive a hard bargain. Okay. I want to design churches.” To cover my awkwardness, I took a sip of the cooling tea. “I doubt I’ll be able to right away. I’ll probably end up doing offices or condos to start, but eventually? I would desperately love to design a church someday, see it built from each individual stone to stained glass panels so I can stand inside it and marvel.”

“Why?”

“So I can thank God personally for Sam.” The truth slipped out before I could stop it.

This girl is straight-up dangerous.

I waited for her to say something, anything, but the silence just stretched on and on. Damn. I should’ve known she wouldn’t get it. Right now her biggest commitment is midterms.

So I pretended it didn’t matter and paved it over. “That probably sounds dumb. Or pretentious. I can’t believe I—”

“No. Not at all. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. Sam is so lucky to have you, Ty.” Her voice sounded soft, unsteady.

“I’m the lucky one. I just wish I could remember it for more than five minutes at a time.” I hesitated, tilting my head, and she tried to hide her face in the shadows, but as she shifted, I caught the glint of tears on her cheek.

“Are you crying?” One heartbeat, two, I had no idea how to react, how I should feel.

She sniffed audibly. “Maybe a little. Shut up. It’s just...so very sweet.”

Confusion resolved into a fierce ache. I had the sense that she got me. Most of the time, I lived in a dark fucking hole with Sam as the torch guttering against the endless tide of exhaustion. My life was one night after another, treading water until that was all I remembered how to do. Maybe it was crazy, but her dangling that basket tonight seemed symbolic, like the lowering of a lifeline.

It was hard to speak past the sudden tightness in my throat. “I’m glad I told you.”

“Me, too.”

Somehow I shoved back from the visceral impulses flooding me. In that moment, I wanted to charge up the stairs and bust down her door. Fuck my plans, fuck the rules. She was gorgeous in the moonlight, haunting even. But then I remembered Sam, always Sam. So I kept my ass in the chair.

“But we had a deal, remember? No backing out.” The stakes hadn’t changed, and I’d survived confessing a sentimental secret.

“I wouldn’t.” She paused, heightening the suspense. “Not that you aren’t also...hot as hell, completely irresistible in every conceivable way.”

The satisfaction of hearing that from Nadia stole my breath. But before I could respond, she bolted, leaving me with a lukewarm cup of tea and a savage erection.

Christ. I want her so much it hurts.

* * * * *