Idle Bloom

Chapter Twenty-Nine For You

Pain breeds vulnerability and right now, as Oliver drives us to his parents’ house, I’m feeling unimaginable depths of both. There’s a wall of awkwardness between us that feels impenetrable. Neither one of us knows what to say or what to do. It’s as if we’re marking time in silence, waiting for yet another goodbye.

His words from this morning linger like poison—“I wish I could just let go.” Let go of what? Me?

Oliver shuts off the car and walks to my side. I get out before he reaches the door. He stops and sighs, as if my refusal to accept his chivalrous gesture is a slap in the face. Too bad.

He offers his hand—that I take. I’ll always take it, even when it wears a glove of heartache and pain.

Oliver stops before opening the front door and cups my face in his hands. “I choose you. I love you. No matter what happens you need to know that. If you don’t want me to go, then say the words and I’ll stay. It’s you I love, all that matters is you.”

I nod through the sincerity of his words. It’s never been a question of Oliver’s love for me. There’s no choice to be made. We claimed each other months ago—no take backs. I’m waiting for him to realize he’s more than the sum of the events of his past. I’m waiting for him to tattoo his scars with something beautiful and not be afraid to show it to the world. I want to give him what he gave me, but I don’t know how and it kills me.

His lips press to mine, and I swear I can feel the heaviness of his heart in the way they cling to me.

“Let’s go.” I smile and nod to the door.

He waits, eyes searching for something. Certainty? I rub my thumb over his bottom lip that stole some of my gloss.

“I can smell the grill, babe, and I’m starving. Let’s go already.”

He gives me a full double-dimple grin and opens the door.

“Vivian!” Jackie tosses her apron aside and pulls me in for a big hug.

“For Christ’s sake, I can’t win.” Oliver shakes his head. “I’ve been gone for eight weeks and it’s ‘Vivian!’ like you didn’t just see her last week.”

Jackie grins while releasing me. “Come here, baby boy.”

He gives her a half smile as she hugs his chest. Then he attempts to glare at me but fails miserably. “You and your dog are giving me a complex.”

“Son, good to see you.” Hugh walks in from outside and hugs Oliver, first, hopefully giving him a little ego boost.

“Vivian.” He hugs me and kisses my cheek.

“Where’s Chance?” Oliver asks.

“He’s squeezing in a ‘quick date’ before dinner.” Jackie waves her hand in the air. “That boy is never going to settle down.”

Oliver and I look at each other. I’m sure both of us are wondering if she realizes quick date is code for getting laid.

“He just hasn’t found a girl like Vivian.” Hugh hands Oliver a beer.

“Well, don’t tell him that. He’ll tell you he laid some claim to her before I showed up and stole her from him.” Oliver takes a pull of his beer. “It’s all I heard all summer.”

Everyone laughs.

“How’s he been doing with business?” Oliver asks.

Jackie, Hugh, and I look at each other and grin.

“You haven’t heard?” Hugh raises a brow.

“Heard what?”

“He’s hired someone part-time.”

“That’s great.”

We all grin again.

Oliver looks around at us. “Am I missing something?”

“Ronnie is young but has lots of experience from growing up around family in the construction and trim-carpentry business. Just what Chance was looking for going into the time of year that indoor home projects are more in demand.” Hugh grins waiting to see if Jackie or I want to finish the story.

“Chance hired Ronnie via e-mail correspondence. Ronnie’s résumé was too good to pass up. It’s probably even better than Chance’s.” Jackie smirks.

“So … what’s the deal? Is he a real dick or something?”

We laugh at the unintentional humor in Oliver’s question. Jackie and Hugh smile at me as if they’re bestowing the pleasure of the big reveal to me.

I take a sip of my wine. “That’s just it, babe. There is no dick to Ronnie, AKA Veronica.”

Oliver’s jaw drops. “No way!”

We laugh. “Oh yes, way.” I nod and giggle.

Oliver’s grin widens. “Man! I can’t believe I’ve missed out on all this. So have you met her? What’s she like?”

“We haven’t met her yet, but Maggie has. Veronica did some shelving work for her at The Green Pot. Maggie said she’s very attractive, smart, and has a quick wit that knocked Chance down a couple of notches every time he came by to check up on her.”

Oliver stares at me with a deviant grin. I can see the cogs turning in his head, no doubt concocting a huge ration of shit to deal out in small increments to Chance all evening.

Chance calls to tell us he’s skipping dinner but to save him some dessert. That’s code for his date has offered him an encore performance.

“So how long are you staying?” Hugh asks.

I know Oliver has stayed in contact with them since he’s been gone, so the conversation about Portland has been kept to a minimum so far.

“I fly out tomorrow.” He keeps his eyes on him while I glance up from my plate and then back down.

“Will you be home for the holidays?” Hugh continues.

Jackie gives him a stern cease-and-desist look. I’m not sure if it’s that she’s a woman, mother, or psychiatrist, but she has spot-on intuition to when a conversation becomes uncomfortable. Hugh doesn’t catch the look.

“I’m not sure yet.” I feel Oliver’s eyes shift to me, but I still don’t look up.

“Well I’m just happy to hear that you’re putting that degree of yours to use again. Working with your brother was never going to be a career.”

The table shakes and I know it’s from Jackie’s foot connecting with Hugh’s shin. The wince on his face confirms it. I risk a peek at Jackie and she gives me a polite you’re-welcome-dear smile.

“How are your parents, Vivian?” Jackie takes a bite of caramelized squash.

“They’re really good. My dad got a job with a larger company. It’s actually four ten-hour days, no weekends, and better pay.”

Oliver tilts his head. “When did this happen? You never told me.”

I shrug. “Last week. I tried to call you but you didn’t answer. Then when you called me back, we … well …” My eyes go wide as I clear my throat.

Oliver’s eyes match mine in understanding while Jackie fights her own smile of understanding. This is getting embarrassing. Time to change the subject.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Chance comes through the door and into the dining room with a cocky smile and … oh my God! His pants are not zipped and I’m afraid to stare long enough to be sure, but I think he’s going commando.

“Hi, sweetie. I was just getting ready to get the pie.” Jackie gives him a hug on her way to the kitchen.

Okay, so she doesn’t notice.

“Good to see you, Bro.” Chance pats Oliver on the shoulder.

“You too, man.”

Chance walks around the table to me. “Viv, lovely to see you as always.” In true Chance fashion, he takes my hand and kisses it while smirking at a scowling Oliver.

I, however, couldn’t care less about the stupid kiss. Chance is standing at my side with his exposed area inches from my face, talking to Hugh about a new truck he’s looking into purchasing. I stare at Oliver until he squints his eyes at me. Nudging my head in Chance’s direction, my eyes widen. Oliver stares at me then gives a quick glance to Chance and back to me. I exaggerate my head and facial signals. He looks at Chance again and flinches.

“Ah, man! Zip it up, Chance. That’s disgusting. Get it away from Vivian.”

Chance looks down and laughs while zipping up. “Sorry, I rushed over here after…” he looks at Hugh and clears his throat “…my date.”

Hugh puts his fist over his mouth and clears his throat. “Have a seat, Son. And next time spare us all and take a quick glance in the mirror before joining us for dinner.”

“So how’s it been going in Portland?” Chance asks while sitting down.

Jackie, once again, saves the day as she brings in the pie. “Tell Oliver about Ronnie.”

Chance grunts as Oliver laughs. “You replaced me with a woman, huh?”

“I’d hardly call her a woman. She’s basically a man who lost his penis.”

Everyone laughs except Chance.

“I heard she’s quite attractive.” Oliver says.

“I hadn’t noticed.” Chance takes a bite of pie.

“Bull shit! Man…” Oliver shakes his head “…she must be something. I’ve never seen you worked up like this before.”

Chance waves his fork in the air. “I’m not worked up. In fact, I should have fired her ass by now.”

“For what?” Oliver asks.

“Insubordination.”

I cough. “Sounds like Chance is an alpha male.”

“Would you like to find out?” He wiggles his brows at me.

“Would you like to go on your next date with all your teeth?” Oliver says through clenched teeth.

“Enough, boys. I’d like to know what happened to the respectful young men we raised.” Jackie gives them both a tightlipped, disapproving glance.

Hugh stands while looking at his phone. “Well, if you find them, sweetheart, let me know.” He smiles. “I have to go into the hospital.”

Oliver and Chance walk their dad out while I help clear the table with Jackie.

“You know if you ever want to talk, I’m here.” Jackie takes the plates from me and sets them in the sink.

“Thank you.” I blink back the tears. All day I’ve felt on the verge of losing it. My emotions are eating me alive. “I just wish I could help him, that’s all.”

“Ah, sweetie, you are. I wish you could see that. He would not have gone back to Portland had he not met you.”

I look up and laugh because that’s not too comforting right now.

She takes both of my hands and squeezes them. “I know this has been hard for you, but trust me when I say that Oliver is finding his way back to you. Even if he doesn’t recognize it, that’s what he’s doing.”

I shake my head and swallow back the emotions. “Well it feels like one hell of a detour.”

“It is and I hope and pray with all my heart that you both have what it takes to survive it. Not very many couples have what you two have. It’s not just love, it’s friendship and respect. You laugh and play together and the passion between you is enough to make a momma like myself blush.”

We both smile.

“It helps to talk, and in case you haven’t heard, I’m a pretty good listener.”

I grin and hug her. “Thank you, I’ll remember that when I hit my blue moments again.”

“Call me anytime, okay?”

I nod.

“What’s going on in here?” Chance asks as he and Oliver come back inside.

“Girl talk,” Jackie answers.

I dab my fingers to the corners of my eyes while seeing the concern on Oliver’s face.

“We’re taking off, Mom.” He hugs her.

“Have a safe trip, Oliver.”

Chance gives him a hug too. “Let me know when you’re coming back to work for me. I’ll cut the vagina with a hammer loose.”

“Nah … it’s too much fun hearing how much she busts your chops.”

Chance grumbles something under his breath.

Oliver holds out his hand. “Shall we?”

“We shall.”

Oliver

The pain in her eyes floods me with guilt. More guilt. I swear I’m drowning in it. Melanie, Caroline, her parents, my parents, Vivian … it’s overpowering me in every direction.

We feed Rosenberg and head upstairs. There’s a sadness between us that’s hard to ignore. I miss her laughter. I got a mild version of it tonight, but not like I remember. The Vivian I fell in love with is cute and sassy with a carefree attitude and a penchant for doughnuts. I haven’t seen her eat a doughnut in months. Maybe I’m wearing her down too much. Everyone has a breaking point. I’m afraid Vivian has been so giving or flexible with me that she could break and it would be so subtle I wouldn’t notice until it’s too late.

“I need a shower.” Her voice is barely audible as she passes by me in the closet carrying her robe.

“Want some company?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

My head drops—hell, my whole body slumps. When did anything between us not matter? I shrug off my shirt and remove my jeans and briefs.

The steam from the shower pours out as I open the door. Bloodshot eyes look up at me through inky wet hair.

“I can still see your tears.”

Her beautiful face contorts like a knife is being driven through her body. “I don’t want to say goodbye again.” A sob escapes with her last word.

“I’ll stay.” I take her in my arms and let the water drown my own tears. This woman is everything in a world I was convinced was filled with nothing. And maybe that’s it. Maybe apart we are nothing and together we’re everything. Is it really that crazy to think that in a world with over seven billion people, it’s quite possible we weren’t meant to live alone—that maybe, just maybe, we need each other?

“Oli…” she looks up at me and presses her palms to my face “…love me.”

I close my eyes and cover her hands with mine. And then … I love her.

My lips seek hers with magnetic touch. She’s all I ever taste. My hands melt into the curve of her breasts until she arches her back. Her skin, it’s all I ever feel.

“Oli …” She whispers my name. It’s all I ever hear.

I lead with my hands and follow with my lips, taking the slow journey down her body—feeling, tasting, memorizing. Kneeling, I pull her to me and she eases onto me with slow, agonizing perfection.

“Love me.” Her soft words echo in my ear as she wraps her whole body around mine.

I’m at war with myself. My body wants to move with hers, giving and taking pleasure to the likes of which I’ve never experienced before, or will ever again. My heart … it wants to hold her in idle perfection … forever.

She moves against me, her body begging for our perfect pleasure, and my body wins over my heart. I taste her lips, suck in her sweet tongue, and knead her breasts.

“Look at me, Vivian.”

She opens her eyes, water raining between us, a few drops clinging to her long lashes. As I rock up into her, deeper every time, her cherry lips part and her tongue slides along her lower lip. The warm staccato of our breathing mingling between our mouths.

Vivian’s eyes leaden as I rub her clitoris.

“Stay with me, baby.”

She pulls them open again. “Oli …”

I need this. I need to see something other than pain in this woman’s eyes. I need to see passion, love, life … us.

Gripping her hips, I grunt from deep in my chest and bury myself in her so deep I swear I just lost my mind and it may never be found again. Every muscle tenses as I still, releasing into her. Exhausted, I rest my forehead against hers. We share weak smiles before our heavy eyelids surrender.

Vivian … sprawled out on her stomach, diagonally, across our bed, naked, sated, and mine. Until this moment I hadn’t realized that I’d been holding my breath for eight weeks. How did I do that? How does one live without breathing? How could I possibly live without her?

I’ve traced her tattoo so many times in the light of the moon I think I could recreate it with my eyes closed. Her fun and witty personality brings a spontaneous smile to my face even when I’m alone. Her beauty is the brightest star in my sky. And the sex is—indescribable. But this … tracing flower buds and counting freckles, I’m in Heaven. Vivian is my heaven.

“Wondering what I looked like before all that ink and the nasty scars it hides?”

“Shh…” I kiss her shoulder. “It’s two in the morning. Go back to sleep.”

She rolls to her side and kisses my chest. “It’s okay. Sometimes I try to imagine what the pre-Caroline Oliver was like.”

I twirl a lock of her long hair around my finger. “And?”

“And I can’t. Which makes me think that I wouldn’t have been part of that life.” She places the palm of her hand on my chest, over my heart, and spreads out her fingers. “So I don’t go there anymore, because a life without Oliver Konrad isn’t a life at all.”

I swallow past the suffocating feeling in my throat. When Vivian opens her heart and shares such raw vulnerability, it’s like a vice around my chest. She has no idea how fierce my need to protect her is. The unbearable part for me is when I feel like the biggest danger to her is me and my past.

I go for a mood lightener. “Yeah, well I’ve never tried to imagine you before me. Probably because I still wake up every morning and question whether I dreamed you. And when I realize you’re my real, it’s like winning the lottery every damn day of my life.”

She giggles. “Lottery? Pfft … whatever. You must mean scratch tickets.”

“Nope. I’m talking the sole winner of the Mega Millions … every day.”

She ghosts the pads of her fingers over the thin patch of hair on my chest. “Oli?”

“Hmm?”

“Remember when you came to The Green Pot and needed some more plants that day we were really busy?”

“Yes.”

“Remember how long the line was and I let you budge and got you what you needed without having to wait?”

“Yes.”

“Remember I told you that you’d owe me a favor?”

I chuckle. “Yeah, I remember.”

She looks up at me with an inward gaze. I can feel her heavy thoughts like a barrier between us.

“Go back to Portland.”

I shake my head before her last word. “I said I’m staying.”

“You need to go back.”

“Vivian, no, I don’t want to go back. Caroline doesn’t need me, her parents just think she does. But the truth is they’re as delusional as she is.”

“Oliver, you need to go back for you.”

“What does that even mean? Have you been talking to my mom?”

“You owe me.”

I clench my hair then rub my hands over my face, releasing a sarcastic laugh. “I owe you? Really? You’re trying to trade cutting in line for sending me back to Hell? No, I won’t. Yesterday morning, yes, I was going. Even last night at my parents’ house I planned on going. But I saw the pain in your eyes, Vivian. Hell, it’s dark in here and I still can see the goddamn pain in your eyes! I’m not going. Period.”

She rolls on top of me, our faces a breath apart. “Oli, don’t you see? The pain you see in my eyes is for you not because of you. Get on the plane tomorrow, but not for Caroline, or her parents, and not for your job, but for you, Oli. And if you can’t do that…” she blinks and her tears fall to my cheek “…then do it for me.”

I don’t want to go. When I said I was staying it was for me as much as her. But when a man loves a woman the way this man loves this woman, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. To the front of the battle line, the end of the earth, to my last breath … That’s how far I will go for her.

“For you, my love, only you.”