Kirkland Revels

Chapter 3

So within a week of my coming to Kirkland Revels tragedy had struck the house.

I do not clearly remember the sequence of events of that day, but I can recall the numbness which took possession of me, the certainty that something inevitable had taken place, something which had threatened me, warned me from the moment I entered the house.

I remembered lying on my bed during that first morning. Ruth had insisted that I should, and it was at this time that I learned what a forceful character she had. Dr. Smith came and gave me a sedative; he said it was necessary, and I slept until the afternoon.

I joined them in the room which was known as the winter parlour . one of the smaller rooms on the first floor which looked onto the courtyard and which was so-called because during the winter it could be kept warmer and more cosy than those rooms which were less sheltered. The entire family was there: Sir Matthew, Aunt Sarah, Ruth, Luke; and Simon Redvers had joined them. I was conscious of the gaze of everyone as I entered.

” Come here, my dear,” said Sir Matthew. ” This is a terrible shock to us and especially to you, my dear child.”

I Went to him because I trusted him more than any of the others; and when I sat down beside him. Aunt Sarah came over and, taking the chair on the other side of me, placed her hand over mine and kept it there.

Luke had walked to the window. He was saying tactlessly:

” It was exactly like the others. He must have remembered them. All the time we were talking of them, he must have been planning …”

I said sharply: ” If you mean Gabriel committed suicide, I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it for a moment.”

“This is so terrible for you, my dear,” murmured Sir Matthew.

Aunt Sarah came a little closer and leaned against me There was a faint odour of decay about her .

“What do you believe happened?” she asked; and her blue eyes were bright and eager with curiosity.

I turned away from her. ” I don’t know,” I cried, ” I only know he didn’t kill himself.”

“My dear Catherine,” said Ruth sharply, “You’re overwrought. We all have the utmost sympathy for you, but … you knew him such a short time. He is one of us … all his life he has belonged to us….”

Her voice broke, but I did not believe she was sincerely sorry. And I thought: The house will pass to Luke now. Are you pleased about that, Ruth?

” Last flight he talked about the holiday we should have,” I insisted.

” He talked of our going to Greece.”

“Perhaps he didn’t want you to guess what he planned,” suggested Luke.

” He couldn’t deceive me. Why should he talk of going to Greece if he were planning to … do that!”

Simon spoke then. His voice sounded cold and seemed to came from a long distance. ” We do not always say that which is in our minds.”

” But I knew … I tell you, I knew …”

Sir Matthew had put a hand to his eyes and I heard him murmur: ” My son, my only son.”

There was a knock on the door and William entered.

He looked at Ruth and said: ” Dr. Smith is here, madam.”

” Then bring him in,” Ruth answered. And in a few moments Dr. Smith came in. His eyes were sympathetic, and it was to my side that he came.

” I cannot express my grief,” he murmured. ” And I am concerned for you.”

” Please don’t be,” I replied. ” I have suffered a great shock … but I shall be all right.” I heard myself give a slightly hysterical laugh which horrified me.

The doctor laid his hand on my shoulder.

” I’m going to give you a sedative for to-night,” he said. ” You’ll need it. Then when you wake up there’ll be a night between you and all this. You’ll be one step away from it.”

Aunt Sarah spoke suddenly in a high, rather querulous voice: ” She doesn’t believe he killed himself. Doctor.”

” No … no …” soothed the doctor. ” It’s hard to credit it. Poor Gabriel!”

Poor Gabriel! It seemed like an echo in that room, and it came from more than one of those present.

I found myself looking at Simon Redvers. ” Poor Gabriel!” he said, and there was a cold glitter in his eyes as they met mine. I felt I wanted to shout at him: Are you suggesting that I had anything to do with this? Gabriel was happier with me than he had ever been in his life.

He told me so repeatedly.

But I said nothing.

Dr. Smith said to me: ” Have you been out to-day, Mrs. Rockwell?”

I shook my head .

” A little walk in the grounds would do you good. If you would allow me to accompany you, I should be glad.”

It was clear that he had something to say to me alone, and ( rose at once.

” You should wear your cloak,” Ruth put in. ” There’s a chill in the air today.”

A chill in the air, I thought; and a chill in my heart. What would happen next? My life seemed suspended between Glen House and Kirkland Revels and the future was like a thick fog all about me.

Ruth had rung the bell and eventually a servant appeared with my cloak.

Simon took it from the maid and wrapped it about me. I looked over my shoulder and tried to read what I saw in his eyes, but that was impossible.

I was glad to escape from that room and be alone with the doctor.

We did not speak until we had left the house and were walking in the direction of the Abbey. It was difficult to believe that it was only the night before that I had lost my way.

” My dear Mrs. Rockwell,” said Dr. Smith, ” I could see that you wished to get away from the house. That was one reason why I suggested this walk . You feel bewildered, do you not?”

“Yes,” I said.

“But mere is one thing of which I am certain.”

” You think it impossible that Gabriel killed himself?”

” Yes, I do.”

“Because you were happy together?”

“We were happy together.”

” I think it may have been because Gabriel was happy with you that he found his life intolerable.”

“I do not understand you.”

” You know that his health was precarious.”

” He told me that before we married.”

” Ah, I thought perhaps he might have kept it from you. His heart was weak and he might have died at any moment. But you knew that.”

I nodded.

” It’s a family weakness. Poor Gabriel, it struck him young. I had a conversation with him only yesterday about … his weakness. I am wondering now whether this had something to do with the tragedy. May I be frank with you? You are very young but you are a married woman, and I am afraid I must speak with candour.”

” Please do.”

” Thank you. I was struck from the first by your good sense and I rejoiced that Gabriel had chosen so wisely. Yesterday Gabriel came to me and asked me some questions about … his married life.”

I felt a flush rise in my cheeks and said: “Pray tell me what you mean.”

” He asked me if the state of his heart made it dangerous for him to indulge in marital relations.”

” Oh!” My voice sounded faint and I could not bring myself to look at the doctor. We had reached the ruins and I stared up at the Norman tower. ” And … what was your answer?”

“I told him that In my opinion he would take a considerable risk if such relations did occur.”

” I see.”

He was trying to read my thoughts, but I would not look at him. What had happened between me and Gabriel should I decided, be our secret. I felt embarrassed to be involved in such a discussion and, although I reminded myself that this man was a doctor, the discomfort persisted.

But I could see what he was driving at, and he had no need to explain; but he did.

” He was a normal young man, apart from this weakness of the heart. He was proud. I realised when I warned him that I was giving him a shock but I did not understand then how deeply it had affected him.”

” And you think that this … warning … decided him?”

” It seems to me a logical deduction. What … is your opinion, Mrs.

Rockwell? In the past, has there been between you . er. “

I touched a fragment of broken wall, and my voice was as cold as the stones as I said: ” I do not think that what you told my husband would have made him wish to end his life.”

The doctor seemed satisfied with that answer. He laughed lightly but without mirth. ” I should not have liked to think that any words of mine …”

“You need have no qualms,” I answered.

“What you said to Gabriel was what any doctor would have said.”

” I believe it may have been a reason …”

“Do you mind if we turn back?” I asked.

“It seems to have grown colder.”

“Forgive me. I should not have brought you out. You feel cold because of the shock you have suffered. I’m afraid I’ve behaved brutally to you, discussing this … indelicate matter … just when …”

” No, you have been kind to me. But I am shocked … and I cannot believe that only this time yesterday …”

“Time will pass. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. You are so young. You will go away from here … at least I suppose you will…. You won’t stay shut away here, will you?”

” I do not know what I shall do. I have not thought about it.”

” Of course you have not. I was saying that you have your life before you. In a few years’ time this will seem like a bad dream.”

” Some bad dreams one never forgets.”

” Oh come, you must not be morbid. You are so close to tragedy that it overwhelms you. You will feel a little better to-morrow, and a little better every day.”

” You forget I have lost my husband.”

” I know, but …” He smiled and laid his hand on my arm. ” If there is anything I can do to help you …”

” Thank you. Dr. Smith. I shall remember your kindness.” ” We had returned to the grounds and walked across the front lawns in silence.

As we approached the house I looked ap at the balcony and pictured what might have happened … Gabriel, sitting on my bed, talking of the holiday we would have, making me drink my hot milk and then, when I slept, coming quietly out on to the balcony and letting him elf fall. I shivered. ” I don’t believe it; I can’t believe it. “

I did not realise that I had spoken aloud until Dr. Smith said: ” You mean you don’t want to believe it. Sometimes the two are synonymous.

Do not fret, Mrs. Rockwell. I hope you will look on me as something more than the family doctor. I have been on terms of close friendship with the Rockwells for years, and you are now a member of that family.

So do please remember that if you need my advice at any time, I shall be very happy to give it. “

I scarcely heard him; I thought the faces of the devils looked gleeful, those of the angels sad.

As I went in a feeling of desolation came over me, and I said quickly:

” Friday is still missing.”

The doctor looked blank and I realised that he had probably not heard of the dog’s disappearance, for in view of what had happened who would have thought to tell him?

” I must find him,” I went on.

I left and hurried to the servants’ hall to ask if Friday had been seen. No one had seen him. I went through the house calling him.

But there was no response.

So I had lost Gabriel and Friday . together.

At the inquest the verdict was that Gabriel had taken his life while temporarily insane, in spite of my insistence that we had been planning to go to Greece. Dr. Smith explained that he had been suffering from a weakness of the heart which depressed him. It was his opinion that his marriage had brought home to him the magnitude of his infirmity and the consequent depression had forced him to act as he had done. This seemed to be considered an adequate reason and the verdict was given without demur. I was present at the inquest although Dr. Smith had advised me against going.

“You will only distress yourself further,” he said. Ruth agreed with him. But I had quickly recovered from my shock and I found a certain resentment mingling with my sorrow. Why, I kept asking myself, were they all so certain that Gabriel killed himself?

I answered that myself How else could he have died? By accident? I tried hard to think of how it could have happened. Could he have leaned too far over the parapet and fallen? Was that possible?

It must be possible, because it was the only reasonable explanation.

Over and over again I tried to picture it. Suppose he went on to the balcony as he so frequently did. Suppose something below caught his attention. Friday! I thought excitedly What if Friday had appeared down there and he called to him and in his excitement leaned over too far?

But they had already passed their verdict and they would not have believed me. They would have called me a hysterical bride.

I had written to my father to tell him of Gabriel’s death, and he came to the funeral. I had been pleased when I heard that he was coming, believing that he would have some comfort to offer me. Childishly I had expected that my trouble might bring us closer together; but as soon as I saw him I realised how foolish I had been. He was as remote as ever.

He sought an opportunity to speak to me before we left for the church, but I was conscious all the time that to him it was a painful duty.

” Catherine,” he asked. ” what are your plans?”

” Plans ” I echoed blankly, for I had not considered my future. I had lost the only two who had loved me—for as each day passed I began to despair of finding Friday—and I could think of nothing but my loss.

My father seemed a little impatient.

“Yes, yes. You’ll have to decide what you’re going to do now. I suppose you could stay here or come back….”

I had never felt quite so lonely in the whole of my life I kept thinking of Gabriel’s solicitude for me, his eagerness to be with me every minute of the night and day. I thought:

If only Friday would suddenly come bounding up to me, leaping into my arms, I might have something to plan for.

I said stonily: ” I have made no plans so far.”

” Perhaps it’s early yet,” he replied in his weary voice, ” but if you should want to come back, you must of course.”

I turned away from him; I could not trust myself to speak.

How melancholy it was when the hearse and carriages arrived with the plumed horses and velvet palls and the mutes dressed in black from head to foot. Gabriel was buried in the Rockwell vault in which lay so many of his ancestors. I wondered if those others were there the two who had died in the same way.

I returned with the rest of. the family to the house and we solemnly drank wine and ate the funeral meats which had been prepared for us. I felt a stranger in my widow’s weeds. I was so pale that I looked like a ghost, and there seemed no colour in my face except that of my vivid green eyes. Surely mine was a most extraordinary fate to be a bride and widow in less than two weeks.

My father left immediately after the funeral saying that he had a long journey ahead of him and adding that he would expect to hear from me what my plans were for the future. Had he shown me in some small way that he really wanted me, I should have been eager to go back with him.

I was drawn to Sir Matthew, who had lost all his jauntiness since the tragedy. He was very kind to me and made me sit beside him when all the mourners, who were not members of the family, had gone.

” How do you feel, my dear,” he asked me, ” in this house full of strangers?”

” I do not feel anything but a numbness now, an emptiness,” I told him.

He nodded. ” If you wish to stay here,” he said, ” you would always be welcome. This was Gabriel’s home and you were Gabriel’s wife. If you want to go away, I shall under stand, but I should be very sorry.”

” You are kind to me,” I said, and those words of kindness brought the tears, which till now I had not been able to shed, to my eyes.

Simon had come to stand beside me. He said: “You will go away from here. What is there for you? It is so dull in the country, is it not?”

” I came from the country,” I said.

” But after those years in France.”

” I am surprised that you remember so much of my affairs.”

” I have a very good memory. It is the only good thing about me. Yes, you will go away. You will be more free than you were … more free than you have ever been before.” He changed the subject abruptly.

“Those weeds become you.”

I felt there was something behind his words, but I was too weary and too obsessed with thoughts of Gabriel to give him much of my attention.

I was glad when Luke came over to us and began to talk of other matters.

” It doesn’t do to dwell on all this,” he said. ” We’ve got to forget.

We’ve got to go on living. “

I thought I detected a certain glitter in his eyes. He was, after all, the new heir. Was his grief for Gabriel rather superficial?

I was trying to hold off frightening notions which were creeping into my mind. I did not really believe that Gabriel had had an accident on the balcony. I did not believe that he had deliberately killed himself.

But what else was there to believe?

When Gabriel’s will was read I learned that he- had left me, although not rich, comfortably off. I had an income which would make me independent. This was a surprise because, although I had known that Kirkland Revels would pass to Gabriel on his father’s death, together with an income adequate for its upkeep, I had not realised that he had so much money of his own.

The fact of my new affluence cheered me a little, and this was only due to the promise of freedom which it held out.

A week passed and I was still at the Revels, each day hoping for the return of Friday even though the days passed without sign of him.

I knew that the family were waiting for me to come to a decision as to whether or not I was going to stay, and I found it difficult to make up my mind. This house was of great interest to me; I felt that there was so much I did not know and only by staying could I discover it. I had a right to live here; I was Gabriel’s widow. His father clearly wanted me to stay and, I believed, so did Aunt Sarah; but I thought Ruth would have been relieved to see me go. I wondered why. Was it because she did not care to have another female in the house, or was there some other reason? As for Luke, he was friendly in a breezy manner ; but I had a notion that he did not care either way. He was immersed in his own affairs, and try as he might he could not hide hu new importance.

He was the heir of Kirkland Revels and, in view of Sir Matthew’s age and infirmity, it could not be many more years before he was its master.

The Smiths were frequently at the house now, and when the doctor visited Sir Matthew which he did each day he invariably made a point of seeing me too. He was always kind and solicitous; he made me feel as though I were a patient, and, during that unhappy time when I mourned for Gabriel and Friday. He seemed to be concerned about my health.

” You have suffered a great shock,” he told me, ” perhaps greater than you realise. We must see that you take care of yourself.”

He was giving me that solicitude which I had sought in vain from my father, and I began to wonder whether one of the reasons why I lingered on at the house was because of Dr. Smith, for it seemed that he understood my grief and loneliness as no one eke did.

Damaris often drove over with her father, always cool, always serene and beautiful. I could see that Luke was in love with her but it was impossible to know what her feelings for him were. She was inscrutable. If Luke had his way he would marry her, but they were both so young at present and I doubted whether Sir Matthew or Ruth would allow Luke to many for some time. And who knew what could happen in three, four or five years?

I had a feeling that I was marking time. I had not recovered from that strange numbness which had come to me when I heard I was a widow, and I could make no plans until I was free of it. If I left Kirkland Revels, where should I go? Back to Glen House? I thought of those dark rooms made bright only by the filtering of light through the Venetian blinds.

I thought of Fanny’s pursed lips and my father’s ” bad turns.”

No, I was not eager to return to Glen House; yet I was not sure that I wanted to stay at the Revels. What I wanted was to clear away this ignorance which shut me in like a fog. I believed if I could do that I should understand . what?

I walked each day and my footsteps always seemed to lead me to the Abbey. I had found in the Revels library an old plan of the place as it must have been before the 1530’s and the Dissolution, and it took my mind from morbid thoughts to attempt to reconstruct the old building on those ruins. The plan was a great help and I was able to identify certain landmarks. I was excited when I came upon what must have been the chapel of nine altars, the monks’ dorter, the gate house, the kitchens and the bake houses I also discovered the fish-ponds.

There were three of these, a grassy bank separating them from each other.

I wondered whether Friday had fallen into one of these and been drowned. Impossible. They could not be very deep and he would swim to the bank. Nevertheless I called him whenever I came to the Abbey, which I knew was foolish even as I did it; but I could not bear to face the fact that he was gone for ever. I must continue to hope.

I remembered the day when I had first seen Dr. Smith at this spot and he had said that Friday ought to have been brought here on a lead. As soon as I had recovered sufficiently from the shock of Gabriel’s death, I had gone to the old well to look for Friday, but there was no sign of him there.

One day returning from my walk I took a new route and consequently arrived at the back of the house instead of the front, so I entered through a door I had not hitherto used I was in the east wing of the house a part with which I was not yet familiar. All the wings, I discovered, were almost identical with each other, except that the main staircase which led down to the hall past the minstrels’ gallery was in the south wing.

I mounted a flight of stairs to the third floor, knowing that there were communicating corridors between the wings, and I thought I should easily find my way to my own apartments But this was not so, for I found myself in a maze of corridors and I was not sure which was the door which communicated with the south wing.

I hesitated because I was afraid I might walk into someone’s private room.

I knocked at several doors, opened them and found a bed room or’a sitting-room, a sewing-room, but not the corridor I was looking for.

I could either retrace my steps, leave the house and enter by the front door, or continue my search. I decided on the latter realising that it was the only thing to do, for how could I be sure that I would find my way out of such a maze?

In desperation I tried more doors, only to be disappointed. At length when I knocked on one a voice said: ” Come in.” I entered and Aunt Sarah was standing so close to the door back;! that she startled me and I jumped back.

She laughed and put out a thin hand with which she clutched my sleeve.

” Come in,” she said. ” I’ve been expecting you, my dear.”

She ran round me as I entered she seemed more nimble than she was when with the rest of the family and quickly shut the door as though she was afraid I would try to escape ” I know,” she said, ” you’ve come to see my tapestries That’s it, isn’t it?”

” I should greatly enjoy seeing your tapestries,” I told her. “

Actually I lost myself. I came in by the east door. I have never done that before.”

She shook a finger at me as though I were a naughty child ” Ah, it’s easy to lose your way … when you don’t know. You must sit down.”

I was not sorry to do so because I was quite tired from my walk.

She said: ” It was sad about the little dog. He and Gabriel went together. Two of them … lost. That is sad.”

I was surprised that she remembered Friday, and felt at a loss with her, because it was perfectly obvious that at times her mind wandered, that she flitted from past to present in a manner which was disconcerting; but there were occasions when she was capable of unexpected clarity.

I noticed that the walls of this large room were hung with tapestry, all exquisitely worked in bright colours ; I was looking at it in fascination when she noticed this and chuckled with pleasure.

“That’s all my own tapestry,” she said.

“You see what a large space it covers … but there is so much more to be done. Perhaps I shall fill every bit of the walls … unless I die.

I am very old. It would be sad if I died before I had finished all I had to do.” The melancholy expression was replaced by a dazzling smile. ” But that is in the hands of God, is it not? Perhaps if I ask Him in my prayers to let me have a little longer. He will. Do you still say your prayers, Claire? Come and look at my tapestry … come closer. And I will tell you all about it.”

She had taken my hand; her fingers were restless and moved continually; they felt like claws.

” It’s exquisite work,” I said.

“You like it? Claire, you didn’t work hard enough at yours. I have told you many times that it is easy … easy … if you persevere.

I know you had a great deal to do. You used to say that Ruth was such a wilful little thing. Mark was good though … and then there was a new one coming …”

I said gently: “You have forgotten, Aunt Sarah. I am not Claire. I am Catherine, Gabriel’s widow.”

“So you have come to see my tapestry, Catherine. It is time you did. I know you will like it … you more than any.” She came close to me and peered into my face. ” You will figure in my tapestry. I shall know when the time has come.”

” I?”

I asked, bewildered.

” Here. Come close. Look. Do you recognise this?”

“It’s the house …”

She laughed gleefully and pulled me away from the tapestry I was studying, drawing me towards a cupboard which she pulled open. Stacks of canvases fell out. She picked them up laughing. She no longer seemed like an old woman, her movements were so agile. I saw that there was a cupboard within the cupboard, and this she opened to disclose skein upon skein of silks of all colours.

She stroked them lovingly. ” I sit here and I stitch and stitch. I stitch what I see. First I draw it. I will show you my drawings. Once I thought I should be an artist and then I did my tapestry instead. It is so much better, do you not think so?”

” The tapestry is lovely,” I told her. ” I want to look at it more closely.”

” Yes, yes.”

” I want to see that one of the house. It is so real. That is the exact colour of the stones.”

” Sometimes it is not easy to find the right colours,” she said, her face puckering.

” And the people … why, I recognise them.”

” Yes,” she said. ” There is my brother … and my sister Hagar, and there is my niece Ruth and my nephew Mark he died when he was fourteen and Gabriel and Simon, and myself …”

” They are all looking at the house,” I said. She nodded excitedly. “

Yes,” she said, ” we are all looking at the house. Perhaps there should be more looking at the house…. You should be there now…. But I do not think you are looking at the house. Claire didn’t look either. Neither Claire nor Catherine.”

I was not sure what she meant and she did not explain, but went on:

“I see a great deal. I watch. I saw you come. You didn’t see me.”

” You were in the minstrels’ gallery.”

“You saw me?”

” I saw someone.”

She nodded. ” From there you see so much … and are not always seen.

Here is the wedding of Matthew and Claire.”

I was looking at a picture of a church which I recognised as that of Kirkland Moorside; there were the bride and groom, the latter recognisable as Sir Matthew. It was astonishing how she had managed to convey a likeness with those tiny stitches. She was undoubtedly an artist.

” And Ruth’s marriage. He was killed in a hunting accident when Luke was ten. Here it is.”

Then I realised that here on the walls of this room was Rockwell history as seen through the eyes of this strange woman.

She must have spent years of her life recapturing these events and stitching them on to canvas.

I said: ” You are a looker-on at life. Aunt Sarah.”

Her face puckered again and she said almost tearfully:

” You mean I haven’t lived myself … only through others. Is that what you mean, Claire?”

” I am Catherine,” I reminded her.

“Catherine,” she said, “I have been happy looking on See, I have this gallery … this tapestry gallery … and when I am dead people will look at it and they will know more of what happened to us than they can know from the picture gallery. I am glad I did my tapestry pictures instead of portraits. Portraits have little to tell.”

I walked round that room and I saw scenes from the life of Kirkland Revels I saw Ruth’s husband being carried on a stretcher from the hunting field, and the mourners about his bed. I saw the death of Mark, and in between each of these scenes was a picture of the house and those recognisable figures gazing at it.

I said: ” I believe that is Simon Redvers, among those who look at the house.”

She nodded. ” Simon looks at the house because it could be his one day. If Luke were to die as Gabriel died, then the Revels would be Simon’s. So you see he is looking at the house too.”

She was studying me intently and from the pocket of her gown she took a small note-book; and while I watched she sketched a figure. She managed to suggest myself by a few deft strokes of her pencil.

” You are very clever,” I said.

She looked at me sharply and asked: ” How did Gabriel die?”

I was startled. ” They said at the inquest …” I began.

” You said he did not kill himself.”

” I said I did not believe he could have done it.”

“Then how did he die?”

” I do not know. I only sense within me that he could not have done it.”

” I sense things within me. You must tell me. We must discover. I must know for my picture.”

I looked at the watch pinned to my blouse. It was a gesture which meant that I must be going.

” I shall soon have finished the one I am working on. Then I shall want to start it. You must tell me.”

” What are you working on now?” ” Look,” she said, and she drew me across the room to the window.

There on a frame was the familiar picture of the house.

” You have done that one before.”

” No,” she said, ” this is different. There is no Gabriel to look at the house now. Only Matthew, Ruth, Hagar, myself, Luke, Simon …”

I felt stifled suddenly by the room and the effort of trying to catch at her innuendoes. She was indeed a strange woman, for she managed to give the impression of innocence and wisdom . almost simultaneously.

I had had enough of symbols. I wanted to get to my room and rest.

” I lost my way. Tell me how I can get back to the south wing.” ” I will show you.” She was like an eager child trotting at my side, as she opened the door and we went into the corridor.

I followed her and when she opened another door I went through in her wake to find myself on a balcony similar to that of the tragedy.

” The east balcony,” she said. ” I thought you would like to see it.

It is now the only one over which no one has fallen to death. “

There was a strange curve on her lips which might have been a smile.

” Look over,” she said. ” Look over. See how far down it is.”

She shivered. And I felt her little agile body pressing me against the parapet. For a horrible moment I thought she was trying to force me over.

Then she said suddenly: ” You don’t believe he killed himself. You don’t believe it.”

I drew away from the parapet and moved towards the door. I felt relieved to step into the corridor.

She went on ahead of me and in a short time she had led me to the south wing.

She had now become like an old woman again and I imagined that the change came when she left the east for the south wing.

She insisted on accompanying me to my own rooms even though I told her I now knew the way.

At. the threshold of my room I thanked her and told her how I had enjoyed seeing the tapestries. Her face lighted up; then she put her fingers to her lips.

” We must find out,” she said. ” Don’t forget. There’s the picture to do.”

Then she smiled conspiratorially and went quietly away.

It was a few days later when I made my decision.

I was still using the rooms in which I had lived with Gabriel and I found little peace in them. I was sleeping badly-something that had never happened to me before; I would fall asleep as soon as I went to bed but in a few minutes I would awake startled as though someone was calling me. On the first few occasions I thought that this was indeed so and got out of bed to see who was outside my door. After a few times I was convinced that it was some sort of nightmare. I would doze and be startled again; and so it went on until the early hours of the morning when I would be so exhausted that I actually slept.

It was always the same dream—someone calling my name.

Sometimes it seemed to be Gabriel’s voice calling Catherine. At others it was the voice of my father calling Cathy. I knew I had been dreaming and that this was due to the shock I had suffered.

Outwardly I could seem calm enough, but inwardly I was beset by misgivings. Not only had I lost my husband but, if I had to accept the verdict that he had killed himself, I could only think that I had never really known him.

If only Friday had been with me I could have been happier. They were the two I had loved, and to have lost them both together was a double tragedy.

There was no one at the house with whom I could make a real friendship.

Each day I asked myself: Why do you stay here? And the answer was:

Where would you go if you left?

I was wandering among the Abbey ruins one golden after noon calling Friday as I did now and then, when I was startled by the unmistakable sound of footsteps.

Even in daylight I could be overawed by the place and it says a great deal for the state of my nerves that I should not have been entirely surprised to see the figure of a black-robed monk emerge from the cloister.

Instead I saw the contemporary and sturdy figure of Simon Redvers.

” So you still hope to find your dog,” he said, as he came towards me.

” Don’t you think that if he were here he would lose no time in coming home?”

” I suppose so. It was rather foolish of me.” He looked surprised to hear me admit my folly, I sup posed. He had an idea that I was a very self-opinionated young woman.

” Strange …” he mused, ” that he should have disappeared the day before …” I nodded.

” What do you think happened to him?” he asked.

“He was either lost or stolen. Nothing else would have kept him away.”

” Why do you come here looking for him?” I was silent for a while, because I was not entirely sure why I did. Then I remembered the occasion when I had met Dr. Smith here, and how he had told me that I should not bring Friday to the ruins unless I did so on a lead. I mentioned this to Simon.

“He was thinking of the well,” I added.

“In fact, he said Friday was in danger of toppling over. He stopped him in time. That was when I first met Dr. Smith. It was one of the first places I went to when I was looking for Friday.”

” I should have thought the fish-ponds might have been more dangerous.

Have you seen them? They are worth a visit. “

” I think every part of these ruins is worth a visit.”

“They interest you, do they not?”

” Would they not interest anyone?”

” Indeed not. They are so much a part of the past. So many people have no interest in the past … only in the present, or in the future.”

I was silent and after a while he went on: “I congratulate you on your serenity, Mrs. Catherine. So many women in your position would have been hysterical; but then I suppose with you it was different….”

” Different?”

He smiled at me and I was aware that there was no real warmth in that smile.

He shrugged his shoulders and went on almost brutally:

” You and Gabriel well, it was no grande passion, was it … at least on your side.”

I was so angry that I was unable to speak for a few seconds “Marriages of convenience are as one would expect them to be, convenient,” he continued in what I can only call an insolent tone. ” It was a pity though that Gabriel took his life before the death of his father … from your point of view, of course.”

” I … I do not understand you,” I said.

“I am sure you do. Had he died after Sir Matthew, so much of that which he inherited from his father would have been yours…. Lady Rockwell instead of plain Mrs…. and there would have been other compensations. It must have been a great blow to you, and yet … you are the perfectly composed yet sorrowing widow.”

” I think you are trying to insult me.”

He laughed, but his eyes flashed angrily. ” I looked on him as my brother,” he said. ” There are only five years between us. I could see what you had done to him. He thought you were perfect. He should have enjoyed his illusion for a little longer. He would not have lived very many years.”

“What are you talking about?”

” Do you think I accept his death … just like that? Do you think I believe that he killed himself because of his weak heart? He had known about that for years. Why did he marry and then do this thing? Why?

There has to be a reason. There always has to be a reason. Following so soon after his marriage, it is logical to believe that it had something to do with that event. I could see what he thought of you.

I could imagine the effect disillusion would have on him. “

“What do you mean by disillusion?”

” That you would know better than I. Gabriel was sensitive to a degree. If he discovered that he had been married . not for love … he would think life was no longer worth living. and so …”

” This is monstrous ! You seem to think that he found me in the gutter, that he lifted me out of squalor. You are quite mistaken. I knew nothing of his father’s precious house and title when I married him. He told me none of these things.”

“Why did you marry him? For love? He seized me suddenly by the shoulders and put his face close to mine. ” You were not in love with Gabriel. Were you? Answer me. ” He shook me a little. I felt my fury rising against him, against his arrogance, against his certainty that he understood all.

” How dare you !” I cried. ” Take your hands off me at once!”

He obeyed and laughed again. ” At least I’ve shaken you out of your serenity,” he said. ” No,” he added, ” you were never what I should call in love with Gabriel.”

” It may be,” I answered curtly, ” that your knowledge of such an emotion is slight. People who love themselves so deeply, as you evidently do, are rarely able to understand the affection which some are able to give to others.”

I tamed from him and walked away, my eyes on the ground, wary of any jutting stone which might trip me.

He made no attempt to follow me, for which I was grateful. I was trembling with rage.

So he was suggesting that I had married Gabriel for his money and the title which would eventually go with it; worse still, he believed that Gabriel had discovered this and that it had driven him to take his life. So in his eyes I was not only a fortune-huntress but a murderess.

I left the ruins behind me and hurried towards the house.

Why had I married Gabriel? I kept asking myself. No, it was not love.

I had married him for pity’s sake . and perhaps because I had longed to escape from the gloom of Glen House.

In that moment I wanted nothing so much as to finish with this phase of my life. I wanted to put the Abbey, the Revels and the whole Rockwell family behind me for ever. Simon Redvers had done this to me, but I could not help wondering whether he had whispered his suspicions to the others and that they believed him.

As I entered the house I saw Ruth; she had come from the garden and carried a basket full of red rcsea, which reminded me of those which she had put in our room on our return from the honeymoon, and how pleased Gabriel had been with them. I thought of his pale delicate face flushed with pleasure, and I could not bear to remember Simon Redvers’s hideous insinuation.

” Ruth,” I said on impulse, ” I’ve been thinking about my future. I don’t think I should stay here … indefinitely.”

She inclined her head and looked at the roses instead of me.

” So,” I went on, ” I will go back to my father’s house while I make my plans.”

” You know you always have a home here, if you wish it,” she replied.

“Yes, I know. But here there is this unhappy memory.”

She laid her hand on my arm.

“We shall all have that, but I understand. You came here and almost immediately it happened. It is for you to decide.”

I thought of Simon Redvers’s cynical, eyes and my anger threatened to choke me.

“I have decided,” I said.

“I shall write to my father to-night telling him I am coming. I expect to leave before the end of the week.”

Jemmy Bell was at the station to meet me, and while we drove to Glen House through those narrow lanes, and when I caught a glimpse of our moors, I could almost believe that I had dozed on the journey home from school and had imagined all that had happened to me between then and now.

It was so like the other occasion. Fanny greeted me while Jemmy took the trap round to the stables.

” Still thin as a rake,” was Fanny’s greeting; and her lips were tight and self-congratulatory; I knew she was thinking:

Well, I didn’t hope for much from that marriage.

My father was in the hall, and he embraced me, a little less absentmindedly than usual.

” My poor child,” he said, ” this has been terrible for you.”

Then he put his hands on my shoulders and drew back to look at me.

There was sympathy in his eyes and I felt that for the first time there was a bond between us.

” You’re home now,” he said. ” We’ll look after you.”

“Thank you. Father.”

Fanny cut in with: “Warming-pan’s in your bed. There’s been mist lately.”

I realised that I was receiving an unusually warm welcome. When I went up to my room, I stood at the window looking out to the moor, and was poignantly reminded of Gabriel and Friday. Why had I thought I could forget in Glen House more easily than I could at I slipped into the familiar pattern. There were meals with my father, when we both sought to find a topic for conversation. He did not speak very often of Gabriel, being deter mined, I was sure, not to raise the painful subject. So we were both delighted when those meals were over.

Two weeks after my arrival he went away again and came home melancholy.

I felt I could not endure to live much longer in this house.

I rode and walked and once made my way to the spot where I found Friday and Gabriel, but the memory was now so painful that I decided I would not ride that way again. I must stop thinking of Gabriel and Friday if I were ever to be completely at peace again.

I think it was on that day that I made up my mind to rearrange my life.

I was after all a young widow with some means. I could set up a house, engage a few servants and live a completely different life from that which I had lived with my father or my husband.

I wished that I had some real friend to advise me. If Uncle Dick had been at home I should have been able to confide in him. I had written to him to tell him that I was now a widow, but letters between us would always be inadequate.

I toyed with the idea of taking a sea trip. I might arrange to meet him in some port and tell him all that had happened to me. But even while I was considering this idea a possibility had occurred to me which excited me and made me feel that all the plans which had half formed in my mind would be cast aside if this were indeed true.

I was in an agony of doubt while I told no one of my suspicions.

Several weeks passed and then I visited our doctor.

I shall always remember sitting there in his consulting- room with the sun streaming through and the certainty that the story of my encounter with Gabriel and Friday was not ended, even though they might no longer play their parts in it.

How can I express my emotions? I was about to undergo a wonderful experience.

He was smiling at me, because he knew my story and believed that this was the best possible thing that could happen to me.

” There is no doubt,” he told me. ” You are going to have a child.”

All the rest of that day I hugged my secret to myself. My own child!

I was impatient with the months of gestation which must ensue: I wanted my child . now.

My whole life was changed. I no longer brooded on the past. I believed that this was the consolation which Gabriel was giving me, and that nothing had been in vain.

It was when I was alone in my room that I remembered that, as this was Gabriel’s child as well as mine, if it were a boy he would be the heir to Kirkland Revels.

Never mind, I told myself. There is no need for him to look at that inheritance. I have enough to give him. The Rockwells need never know that he is born. Let Luke take everything. What did I care?

But the thought tormented me. I did care. If I had a son I was going to call him Gabriel, and everything that I could give him must be his.

Next day during luncheon I told my father the news. He was startled, and then I saw the colour come to his face so that it was pale pink—with pleasure, I believed.

” You are happier now,” he said. ” God bless you. This is the best thing that could happen to you.”

I had never known him so talkative. He said that I must inform the Rockwell family immediately. He knew of the precarious state of Sir Matthew’s health and I guessed he thought it would be awkward if Luke inherited his grandfather’s title when it should really belong to my unborn son—if it was a son I carried.

I caught his excitement, and I went at once to my room and wrote to Ruth.

It was not an easy letter to write because Ruth had never been very friendly towards me and I could well imagine the consternation the news would cause her.

My letter was stilted but it was the best I could do.

Dear Ruth, I am writing to tell you that I am going to have a child.

My doctor has just assured me that there is no doubt of this, and I thought I should let the family know that there will shortly be a new member of it.

I hope Sir Matthew has recovered from his attack. I am sure he will be delighted to hear that there is a possibility of his having another grandchild.

I am in excellent health and I hope you are the same. I send my very best wishes to all.

Your sister-in-law, Catherine Rockwell

Ruth’s reply came within two days.

Dear Catherine, We are surprised and delighted by your news. Sir Matthew says that you must come at once to the Revels because it is unthinkable that his grandchild should be born anywhere but here.

Please do not refuse his request that you should do so. He will be most unhappy if you do; and it is an old . tradition with us that our children should be born in the house.

Please let me know by return when I may expect you. I will have everything ready for you.

Your sister-in-law, Ruth

There was also a letter from Sir Matthew. The handwriting was a little shaky but the welcome was indeed warm. He had missed me, he said; and there was nothing which could have delighted him more at this sad time than my news. I must not disappoint him. I must come back to Kirkland Revels. I knew he was right. I had to go back. ^

Ruth and Luke drove to Keighley Station to meet me.

They greeted me with outward pleasure, but I was not at all sure that they were pleased to see me. Ruth was serene, but Luke, I thought, had lost a little of his breeziness. How did it feel, I wondered, to think yourself heir to something you must always have coveted, only to find that an intruder might be on the way? It depended, of course, on how strong was your covetousness.

Ruth made solicitous inquiries about my health while we drove to the house. I was filled with emotion as we left the moors and came to the old bridge, as I caught a glimpse of the Abbey ruins and the Revels itself. We alighted and went through the portico, and I felt that the faces of the devils looker smug and evil, as though they were saying to me: Did you think you had escaped us?

But I felt strong as I entered the house. I had someone to love, to protect, and because of that someone the emptiness had gone from life and I was ready to be happy again.