Law Man

Chapter Nineteen Harsh, Bright Light of Mara World

I stared at myself in Mitch’s bathroom mirror.

Seeing all that was me, I realized I’d made a huge mistake. Huge. Enormous.

My eyes moved over my made up face. Then they moved over the hair I’d curled into big soft curls and let fall around my shoulders. Then they took in the silky, sapphire-colored, blousy top I had on that came up in gathers to my neck and wrapped around with a wide sash which tied at the back of my neck, totally exposing my shoulders, arms and back. And last they took in the nice jeans and awesome silver belt I was wearing.

And I knew.

I knew I couldn’t do this. I had to rectify my mistake.

I heard the front door open.

Mitch was back from taking the kids to Penny’s. We were going out to dinner.

So that meant I had to rectify my mistake now.

I was clueless at the best of times but apparently when my life was in turmoil, something that hadn’t happened since I’d moved away from my crazy, mean Mom, it hadn’t happened because I guarded against it every second of every day, I was even more clueless.

But two days before I’d woken up in a dream come true after a night that included spending time with Mitch on the couch which was (almost) a different kind of dream come true. I fought it but not hard enough. It lulled me, sneaking up on me, taking over my safe cocoon and wrapping me in one that felt safer, snugger, warmer and much, much better.

The morning Mitch’s Mom and sister came over, Mitch made oatmeal while decreeing he was taking Billy to school. He did this again without discussing it with me. Then again, he was going out, I had Billie to look after so I didn’t argue since his bossy edict made sense.

He had a shower while I talked to his (surprisingly) easy to gab with Mom and sister who were both really nice with Penny being very forthright and equally very funny and his Mom letting Penny mostly carry the show while smiling sweetly a lot.

Mitch took off to take Billy to school and himself to work. But not before he grabbed my hand, led me to the door where we stood with our audience watching (including Billy standing right there) and said good-bye like an old married couple. That was to say he curved an arm around my waist, pulled my body into contact with his, brushed his lips against mine then muttered there, causing a belly whoosh, “See you tonight, honey.”

Then he and Billy were gone. I was in a daze that took awhile to shake off and Mrs. Lawson (who insisted I call her Sue Ellen) and Penny hung around and gabbed with me until Billie got up. They stayed long enough to meet Billie and for Billie to charm them then they left.

Mitch called me late morning to ask about Billie and I slid deeper into my dream world listening to his deep voice on my cell phone asking about Billie. In this dream world, I told him she was fine, up, her appetite was normal and all seemed well in Billie world.

Then he asked me about my day and I told him I was doing laundry, going to the grocery store and picking up Billy and asked if I could go to my place to do the laundry. Then he told me to use his washer and dryer. I decided not to argue because there was no purpose but I would add laundry detergent to my grocery list so we didn’t use all of his.

Still in the dream world, I shared that I’d called my insurance agent the day before and asked if I could get into my apartment the next day because the agent was coming over to inspect the damage and make a report. To this, Mitch told me he didn’t want me over there unless he or LaTanya or someone was with me, asked when the agent was coming and informed me he’d meet him. I argued about this because the agent was coming at eleven and Mitch would have to leave work. Mitch told me the Station was just a ten minute drive and Pierson’s was not and it wasn’t a big deal. Then I told Mitch he was doing too much. Then Mitch said something in his gentle voice that ended with “baby” and I immediately agreed with a breathy, “Kay.”

Argument over.

I asked him if he wanted pizza for dinner. He said that would be great and informed me his sister and mother liked me. Then I let the happy whoosh that created flow through me before I informed him I liked them.

The conversation went on with him telling me we had reservations at North for Thursday night. I informed him I liked North because I did and I also spoke so I wouldn’t hyperventilate at the thought of an actual, bona fide, official date with Ten Point Five Detective Mitch Lawson. Then he told me Billie and Billy were spending that night at Penny’s house. I didn’t argue about this either because I figured at this point I was turning insane and also thinking about why Billy and Billie were spending the night with Penny would definitely make me hyperventilate.

We hung up after what was a surprisingly lengthy, easy, informative but chatty, warm, familiar and intimate conversation.

So, with Mitch off the phone, I allowed myself to hyperventilate.

Then I loaded Billie up in my car, got the stuff for my barbeque chicken pizza, came home and immediately put the chicken to marinade. I did laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom as a small thank you to Mitch for being so cool and letting us stay there. Then I went to go get Billy. When we were home I helped him with his homework. Then, because it was warm and summer was coming, we all walked to the playground down the greenbelt and Billy horsed around while Billie sat in my lap and we swung in a swing.

We came back and I made the pizza having to do the crust by hand because my breadmaker was at my house.

Then Mitch came home.

“Mitch!” Billie shouted, launching herself off the couch, hurtling the short expanse to the door that he’d taken one step through and wrapping her arms around his hips, giving him a tight hug leaning her head way back to look up his long length. “We’re havin’ Auntie Mara’s chicken pizza!”

Mitch’s hand cupped the back of her head as he grinned down at her and muttered, “I know, gorgeous.” Then he leaned down, picked her up, stepped out of the door with her in his arms and closed it while asking, “You doin’ better, honey?”

She nodded enthusiastically.

“Good,” he murmured and I actually saw his arms give her a squeeze which made another sweet whoosh swoop through my belly. Then his eyes went to Billy and he called, “Hey Bud.”

“Hey Mitch. My homework’s all done,” Billy announced swiftly and the swift way he announced it was not in a braggy kid way or the precursor to asking for something after pointing out he’d been good. It was something else, something that didn’t sit right with me and I studied him trying to figure it out but stopped studying him when Mitch plonked Billie over the back of the couch so she was seated beside me then his lips were at my neck.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he whispered there then kissed me.

My chest warmed and I turned and tipped back my head as he slightly lifted his.

“Hey,” I whispered, immediately lost in his eyes.

“Finally,” he murmured, those eyes now smiling, “I get your pizza.”

At that I frowned.

And at that, Mitch burst out laughing. Then I felt his fingers wrap around my ponytail, he gently tugged my head back further and touched his laughing mouth to mine.

Obviously, I quit frowning.

Then he let me go and walked toward his bedroom, shrugging off his jacket.

I watched him go, unable to shrug off the safer, snugger, warmer, better cocoon that was fitting itself around me and this was mostly because I didn’t try.

We ate pizza and we did it at the dining room table because Mitch decreed we would. And as we ate pizza at his dining room table, I slid deeper into my dream world because I’d never had this, never, not in my life. Sitting around a cool table. Eating great pizza (if I did say so myself). Listening to kids jabber and a beautiful man’s deep, attractive voice interject. Watching people I cared about smile and share their days, their lives, their thoughts.

And I knew Billy and Billie hadn’t had that either and I knew they liked it as much as me.

Maybe more.

Watching Billie’s animation which, if it could be believed, had ratcheted up three notches while her own personal safe, snug, warm cocoon fit around her. And watching Billy watch Mitch and emulate the way he used his utensils and sat in his chair, finally having a good, decent man as role model…

Definitely more.

My safer, snugger, warmer and much, much better cocoon only felt slightly funny when Billy announced what appeared to be desperately he was going to do the dishes. Then he also apparently desperately went about doing that quickly so Mitch nor I could talk him out of it or help. He didn’t even let us clear the table.

I watched this feeling troubled then I felt something else. That something was coming from Mitch so my eyes moved to him and saw that he, too, was watching Billy working diligently in the kitchen and his eyes were also troubled.

He must have felt my gaze on him, his came to me, I tipped my head to the side and he whispered, “Later, sweetheart,” so I nodded.

Mitch was stretched out on the couch watching a baseball game after I’d got the kids to bed. I rounded the couch, his eyes came to me and my eyes went to him.

“Come here, baby.”

My gaze drifted over him and he looked so good lying on his couch, his eyes on me as gentle as his voice had been, my mind settled deeply in my dream world and my body automatically drifted to him. When I was in arm’s reach, he did an ab curl, his fingers gripped my hips and then I was tucked with the couch at my back, his side at my front and my cheek was to his chest.

“Finish the game with me and then I’ll let you go to bed,” he muttered.

“’Kay,” I muttered back.

His arm curled around my back and his fingers trailed random patterns over the material of my jeans at my hip. I sighed and wrapped my arm around his stomach.

See? Totally insane.

I heard his voice rumble even as I felt it when he murmured, “Your pizza isn’t good.”

I blinked but I was so deep in my dream world, snuggled on the couch with Mitch that was all I had the capacity to do before I murmured back, “It isn’t?”

His fingers dug into my hip when he replied, “No, honey. It’s fuckin’ great.”

I didn’t know I could relax more into him but at his words, I did and I added a squeeze of my arm around his stomach.

His arm around my back reciprocated the squeeze.

Then he muttered, “Thanks for cleaning the house.”

He noticed.

God, he was so nice.

“You’re welcome. Thanks for letting us stay,” I muttered back on another squeeze of his abs.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered.

Another whoosh swept through my belly then his fingers went back to trailing and I stared vacantly at the game. Mitch stared at it too and I figured his wasn’t vacant but with all that was happening and another full day, I didn’t have the energy to lift my head to look. All I had the energy to do was feel his warm, hard body at my front, the relaxing movements of his fingers at my hip, the steadiness of his chest rising and falling with his breathing.

My lids were getting heavy when the TV suddenly went off and just as suddenly I was on my feet and one of his arms was around me, the other hand at my jaw tipping my head back. Then his mouth was on mine, mine was open, his tongue slid in for a sweet, delicious touch to the tip of mine and then his lips were gone.

“Go to bed, sweetheart,” he murmured.

“’Kay,” I murmured back.

His arm gave me a squeeze, his lips gave me a grin and then he turned me, gave me a gentle shove and my feet took me to his bedroom.

I didn’t know if he had his pajamas and I didn’t know if he had a blanket or pillow. In record time I was in my nightie in his bed fast asleep. So I didn’t know he came in, got his pajamas, changed in his bathroom and nabbed a pillow I wasn’t using after sliding my hair off my neck then gliding a finger along my jaw before leaving the room, closing the door and bedding down on the couch.

The next morning my eyes opened and I heard Mitch, Billy and Billie in the kitchen.

Then I closed my eyes.

Then I smiled into the pillow.

Then I rolled out of bed, did my bathroom business, tugged on Mitch’s flannel and headed to the kitchen for coffee, Mitch’s oatmeal and to help Mitch get the kids ready for school.

When I got back to Mitch’s place after work, I saw a note on the kitchen counter.

It said:

Sweetheart,

The kids are with me on the greenbelt. They’ve had a snack. We’re going out to dinner when you get home, come find us.

M

He wrote, when you get home.

Home.

Oh boy. I liked that.

I went to Mitch’s room, changed into jeans and a tee, making a mental note to ask Mitch when I could get back to my apartment for clean up (and moving back in) but also so I could get more stuff. Then I slipped on some flip-flops and went to go find them.

As I walked down the back steps to the greenspace behind our unit, I saw LaTanya and Brent sitting at a picnic table with a woman I didn’t know. They were watching Mitch, Derek and Billy playing catch with another extremely hot guy and two mini-hot guys (also who I didn’t know) at the same time watching Billie race around chasing what looked like nothing but I was assuming in her imagination was something.

I got greetings, Billie’s was how she greeted Mitch which was to say a body collision followed by a hip hug then she went back to chasing imaginary butterflies (or whatever). Mitch’s was distant (as in physically since he didn’t quit playing catch) but not distant emotionally because his eyes warmed, his face got soft and his beautiful mouth smiled when he saw me. I also got introductions and a handshake from the woman I didn’t know who was Tess O’Hara (of Tessa’s Bakery!). She was the woman of Brock Lucas (the extremely hot guy) who was Mitch’s partner (oh my God! his partner! cop partners were like family!) who gave me a chin lift and the two boys were Joel and Rex, Brock’s sons (oh my God again!) and we were going out to dinner with them (oh my God, God, God) after catch.

After I managed the herculean task of not hyperventilating and/or fainting, I joined Tess, LaTanya and Brent on the picnic table and watched Mitch, Derek, Brock, Joel, Rex and Billy playing catch.

And that was when I started fretting.

Not because of my crazy life living in a dream world. Not because I’d found out that day my new charges’ insurance was going to suck a huge amount out of my paycheck every two weeks. Not because my day was ending with Mitch playing catch with Billy and us going out to (another) family dinner, this being extended cop family including his partner and his family. Not because I hadn’t heard from Mom and Aunt Lulamae in a while and I knew this meant they’d retreated in order to plot and that did not bode good things.

No, I was fretting because Billy was not really good with a baseball mitt or throwing a ball. This was likely because he’d never tossed a ball with his father. But that wasn’t it either. It was the fact that it was clear he wanted to be good not because he actually wanted to be good but because, I was guessing from his behavior which was openly anxious, he didn’t want to annoy or disappoint Mitch.

And he seemed not to cotton onto the fact that Mitch, nor Brock nor Derek for that matter, were anywhere near annoyed or disappointed. All the men were patient and encouraging, not in an overbearing way, in a natural, calm way that was not penetrating Billy at all. The more they tossed the ball, the more anxious Billy became whenever he missed a catch or threw wild, which was nearly every time.

“This isn’t good,” I muttered as I watched Billy miss another catch that Mitch tossed what would have been straight into his mitt if he hadn’t screwed up his concentration, tried too hard and moved his mitt at the last minute.

“He’ll relax, babe,” LaTanya muttered back. “Remember this is as new to him as it is to you and Mitch.”

“He’s freaking out,” I whispered.

“Totally,” Brent whispered back and I looked at him to see he was concentrating on Billy too. “He’s all wound up.”

“It’s because he thinks Mitch, Brock and Derek are cool but that’s only because Mitch, Brock and Derek are cool and he doesn’t want to be not cool,” Tess explained then she bumped me softly with her shoulder and whispered, “He’ll calm down, Mara. It’ll be okay.

“That’s not it,” I told her.

“That’s totally it,” LaTanya butted in.

I shook my head, thinking about the last day or two and replied, “He’s like a kid robot. It’s not just playing catch. I think he’s wound up all the time.”

“That’s weird,” Brent observed. “You’d think he’d relax, being away from his Dad and someplace safe.”

I silently agreed as I watched Billy throw the ball to Derek, it went way high, Derek leaped and just tagged it before it flew over the tip of his mitt. Billy watched Derek land and his face screwed up so tight, it was hard to watch.

Too hard.

And that was when I was done.

I prepared to make a move to go to him but then I heard Mitch call, “A minute, guys.”

He had his gloved hand pointed to Derek, palm down. Derek tossed the ball to Mitch and Mitch caught it in his glove like it was second nature as he walked toward Billy. When he got to Billy, he crouched low.

Billy took a step back. Mitch’s hand lifted, curled around Billy’s shoulder and he carefully guided the little boy between his opened, bent legs. Mitch spoke to him and Billy’s head tipped down, staring at the grass, concentrating. Then Billy bit his lips. Then Billy’s head jerked and his eyes caught Mitch’s.

I held my breath.

Mitch grinned at Billy. Billy grinned back. Mitch’s hand still at Billy’s shoulder gave him a gentle-rough shake then he straightened and walked away.

Billy licked his lips and took two steps back. Mitch turned and tossed the ball to him and Billy stood still, watched it fall into his glove and he curled the glove around it.

The minute it did, I jumped up, threw my arms straight in the air and shouted, “Whoop! Whoop! Go Billy!”

Billy’s eyes shot to me, shock in them as Brent, Tess and LaTanya jumped up next to me and shouted too. His face cracked into a hesitant smile and his eyes cut to Mitch.

“Right here, Winchell,” Mitch called, slapping the inside of his mitt. “Focus, Bud, keep your eyes on my mitt, don’t think about anything and let go.”

Billy nodded, wound up and let go. The ball flew high and to Mitch’s right but not nearly as far as it had been. Mitch caught it easily and Billy’s face lit into a huge smile as Mitch threw a smile back at him.

“Awesome!” Derek yelled.

“Go Billy! Go Billy! Go Billy!” Brent started chanting, LaTanya, Tess and I joined and Billie ran up to us, adding her voice to the cheer as she wrapped her arms around my hips. A blush crawled up Billy’s face and he bit his lip again but he did it through a smile.

Mitch tossed to Derek and Derek tossed to Brock and Brock tossed to Billy quickly, not giving Billy a chance to think about it and Billy caught it again. We cheered again. Billy’s blush got redder and he immediately threw the ball at Mitch again and it nearly landed right in his mitt. Mitch only had to adjust a few inches.

Another cheer from the peanut gallery, louder and crazier this time.

Derek started laughing. Brock threw a grin at his woman (which, seriously, was hot). Mitch smiled at the turf, shaking his head before he lifted it again and fired a shot at Derek, Derek caught it and instantly fired the ball at Billy who had to reach for it but he caught it again. Another crazy, loud, wild cheer.

And so it went, Mitch, Brock, Derek and even (very patient, I might add) Joel and Rex didn’t give Billy the chance to screw up by concentrating too hard or thinking about his nervousness. They even switched it up, with Mitch catching Billy’s pass and then passing straight back to Billy and Billy fell into that game too.

The peanut gallery settled in at the picnic table as the boys settled into their game of catch. Billy missed some but they were few and far between and his tosses weren’t dead on accurate but they were much better and finally he even gained enough confidence to put some oomph behind them.

Billie climbed up on the top of the picnic table, got on her knees behind me, pulled my hair out of its ponytail and started to play with it as Brent, LaTanya, Tess and I started talking about everything under the sun. Through this I watched Billy relax and start to enjoy himself and the guys started to chat about whatever guys chatted about when they played catch.

Eventually my eyes strayed to Mitch and then they strayed over Mitch’s perfect body moving athletically as he chatted to our friend, his partner, his partner’s boys and my beloved cousin.

And I was lulled deeper into my insane dream world that shouldn’t be mine but I couldn’t let it go.

And I couldn’t let it go because the sun was shining. It was May in Colorado. It was warm. I was with a bunch of people I loved, new people that were cool and although everything was very, very wrong in Mara World, in this world, in that gleaming, perfect moment, everything was very, very right.

Therefore, after catch we went out with Tess, Brock and Brock’s boys.

We had a great dinner that was pandemonium (mostly because of Billie who clearly couldn’t decide if she had a bigger crush on Joel or Rex so she lavished attention on both of them in addition to Mitch, who was definitely now her third most favorite person in the world behind Billy and me and she wanted him to know it) and the entire time we were out I didn’t feel like I was in an insane dream world that wasn’t mine.

I didn’t feel that at all.

Not even when dinner was over and Mitch scooted his chair close, wrapped his arm around the back of mine and idly played with a lock of my hair while he talked to Brock.

Not even then.

I felt like this was real, it was mine and I liked it.

It felt freaking great.

So I stayed there.

The next morning started like the last and, except for Mitch letting me into my apartment to get my stuff to dress for our date, was mostly the same.

But it wasn’t going to end the same.

And it wasn’t until I was dressed, made up, ready for our date and staring at myself in Mitch’s mirror that I realized my mistake.

And this was when the silken cocoon that was crafted snug, safe and warm around me made from Mitch’s warmth and kindness completely shredded.

And when it did, the harsh, bright light of Mara World glared in, reminding me who I was, who he was and how this was all likely to end.

I blinked at myself in the mirror as I heard Mitch come through the front door.

And it was then I knew, for the kids’ sakes, my sake, Mitch’s sake and mostly the sake of all of our hearts, I had to yank all of us back into the glaring light of Mara World before it was too late.