Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Nine

It would probably take her a year to sort out the confused thoughts and feelings eddying in her head. Maybe it would take forever. She only knew that the few hours between when she’d seen Derek outside The Jolly Frog pub and when he arrived home were not enough to sort out exactly how she felt and what she should do about it.

Maybe she should have confronted him then and there, with that woman, but her first instinct had been to retreat, to run away from the ugliness. Once before she had been in denial about Derek’s fidelity, had let it go, pretended it hadn’t happened, but…not this time.

When Derek came quietly into the house, she was sitting in the living room. She’d finished off a bottle of wine. Never mind ice cream. Wine sounded much better when she’d gotten home. When the thought that she could be pregnant crossed her mind, she pushed it away. After so long, it just wasn’t meant to happen. Wasn’t going to happen. She might as well accept that and move on with things.

Move on with what?

Derek spotted her sitting in the dark, wine glass in her hand, and stopped. “Hi.”

“Hi.” The first thing she wanted to say was, where were you? But she wasn’t going to act like a wronged wife. Because she was still worried that she wasn’t exactly in the right, her feelings for Nate troubling and confusing.

“You’re still up.”

“Yes.”

He walked over to the couch and sat beside her. She could smell alcohol, cigarettes and perfume…a scent she’d smelled before. A fist inside her squeezed tighter.

She lifted the glass to her mouth, tipped it and drained the last mouthful of Chardonnay.

“I saw you.”

He looked at her, blinked. His short blonde hair was imperfect, as if he’d tried to neaten it with his fingers. “You saw me?”

“Outside the Jolly Frog.”

He said nothing.

“Who is she, Derek?”

He looked away, his mouth tight. “Nobody.”

“Clearly, she is. You’ve seen her before. I recognize her perfume.”

“She’s another agent. A new one.”

Krissa nodded. This all felt like a dream. Like it was happening in slow motion. “How long have you been having an affair with her?”

“I’m not!”

She looked at him sadly. “Derek. Don’t lie about this. Enough shit has happened. Let’s not lie anymore. To each other. To ourselves.”

“It’s not an affair,” he repeated. “Okay, yeah, I’ve seen her before. But it’s not like we have a relationship.”

“Why?”

At first she wasn’t sure if he understood her question. He leaned back against the cushions, hands clenched at his side. She carefully set the empty glass down on the table in front of her.

“Why now? Or why, ever?”

“Both.”

He took a breath, blew it out. “I saw the look on your face today. When Nate left.”

“Yes.”

“You were…devastated.”

She couldn’t deny it.

She saw his throat work, saw his struggle for words. He ran a hand through his hair. “I knew then…” He stopped. “I knew we were in trouble.”

She let his words sink into her numbed mind. “We’ve been in trouble for a long time.”

He nodded, pain etched on his face. “Yeah,” he whispered.

“I wanted to be mad at you,” she said. She stared across the room. “I am mad at you. But…I slept with another man.”

“With Nate.”

“Yes.” She turned her head sharply. “Not with anyone else.”

“I know.”

“For a while, I thought maybe…it was the same thing. And I shouldn’t be mad at you because you were just doing the same thing I’d done.”

He was silent.

“But it’s not the same thing.”

Derek still said nothing.

“You didn’t really tell me why.”

He nodded. “Tonight—I needed someone. You weren’t there for me.”

She supposed that was true.

“The other time…shit.” He rubbed his eyes. “You know how hard this has been. Trying to get pregnant. All those failures. Every time, I felt like crap. You made me feel like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Like I was a big loser.”

“I made you feel that way?” She sat up straighter.

“Hell, yeah. Fuck, I couldn’t get my own wife pregnant. I felt like I wasn’t a man. But I could—”

“Get with any other woman you wanted,” she finished bitterly. He didn’t confirm what she’d said. “The last time was the day we found out about your sperm count. You went to her…”

He nodded, closed his eyes.

“Why didn’t you come to me?” Her voice shook.

He covered his face with his hands. “I told you. You made feel like a useless piece of shit.”

Her heart squeezed so hard she thought she might be having a heart attack. She put a hand to her chest and rubbed, tried to breathe.

“It’s hard on a man,” he continued hoarsely. “To be told you’re not really a man.”

“It was hard on me!” She grabbed his hands and yanked them away from his face, wanting him to look at her. “It was hard on both of us! But I didn’t blame you!”

“I felt like you did.”

“Oh my God.” She stared at him. “What did I…” Had she blamed him for their problems? She’d always felt like he’d blamed her. Like she was the problem. She couldn’t get pregnant, and it was her fault they were even putting themselves through that, because she was the one who wanted a baby so badly. When they’d found out it was Derek, she hadn’t blamed him for that…had she?

She put her fingertips to her eyes and pressed. The pounding in her head increased. Her fingers came away wet.

“So you went to other women to make yourself feel like a man again.”

“I wasn’t thinking about it like that. But…I guess that’s it. I’m sorry, Krissa. I truly am. I love you.” His voice splintered.

She shook her head. “I don’t think you do.”

“I do, Krissa, believe me, I do.”

“You wouldn’t do that if you loved me,” she said slowly. “And you wouldn’t have let me sleep with another man if you loved me.”

“That was…Christ. I didn’t realize what a mistake that was going to be. I just thought you two would…”

“Fuck?” she provided helpfully, harshly.

“Well, yeah. I thought it was a way to give you what you want, and I…wanted to…”

“I know. You wanted to watch. It turned you on seeing me with another man, didn’t it?”

His mouth a hard line, eyes shadowed, he gave a short nod.

“Did it ease your guilt? About screwing around on me? Watching me with another man?”

“Oh, hell, Krissa. I don’t…” The words tore from his throat. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Her lips pursed and her eyes stung. It hurt to swallow.

“I saw the look on your face when Nate left this afternoon,” he said again. “You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

They sat there, silence building around them, the house dark and silent, the only sound the rasp of Derek’s breathing.

“How many times have you screwed around?” she asked him. “I know of twice. Was there more?”

He shook his head.

“There must have been.” She remembered having this conversation once before in their marriage and him denying it. “Two years ago. I asked you then…you said no. But you were, weren’t you?”

He turned his head away.

“Derek. That was before we’d even gotten into the whole pregnancy mess. Did you even cheat before then?” Her voice rose to a squeak.

“No.”

“You did.” She leaned forward, determined to hear the truth. She put a hand on his chest and gave him a shove. “Tell me. Who was it that time?”

“I can’t.”

“What?” She grabbed his shirt in her fist and yanked. “What? Tell me! Tell me now!”

“No! Jesus, Krissa, let it go, it was a long time ago and she’s dead, for God’s sake!”

Krissa released her grip on his shirt and sat back. “She’s…dead?”

Her mind immediately connected several dots and had a picture. Two years ago. Her suspicions about an affair. Lauren’s funeral. How Derek had remained beside her coffin after everyone else had left. The desolation on his face. At the time, the extent of his grief had surprised her—but everyone had been upset about Lauren’s death.

She covered her mouth with her hands, staring at him. “Oh my God, Derek. Did you have an affair with Lauren?”

He stared back at her. “Why would you think that?” But his gaze shifted away.

“It was Lauren. I can’t believe you.” She moved away from him, shaking her head. Her breath stuck in her throat. “Oh, dear God. It was you.”

He said nothing, stood and walked to the doors overlooking the dark ocean, his back to her.

Not only had he betrayed her, he’d betrayed his best friend.

“Is that why Nate left?”

He nodded, shoulders hunched.

“I can’t believe you told him.”

“I didn’t mean to. I never meant for him to know. Lauren wanted to leave him, wanted me to leave you, but she was killed in that car accident…so I never would have told Nate.”

“Were you going to leave me?” she whispered, pain crawling over her body, cutting her open. She pressed her fingertips to her mouth.

He turned. “I don’t know.” Then, “No. I love you, Krissa. I didn’t want to leave you. She was just lonely and pissed off at Nate for leaving her alone for so long.”

“Dear sweet God.”

Her mind reeled again. Could she take any more of this? The shock and pain of these confessions sapped her strength and crippled her ability to function.

“How could you do that to him?” she whispered through her fingers, not sure if he could even hear her, but then, she didn’t expect an answer. “How could I have loved you?”

“Krissa. God, Krissa.” His voice was thick and across the room she saw the glimmer of tears on his face from the moonlight shining in the glass doors. “If it wasn’t for this whole obsession with having a baby, none of this would have happened.”

She let his words sink into her. And then…something broke inside her. Something snapped, emotion welled up inside her fierce and hot, her control ripped away. She hated conflict, hated fighting. She’d accepted the blame for everything that had gone wrong for years. For her whole life, in fact.

She was done with that. She wasn’t going to take the blame any more.

“Shut up.”

He stared back at her. She, too, rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around her waist.

“This is not my fault,” she spat at him. “You cheated on me with Lauren before any of that even started. You probably cheated before that and more times than I even know. I don’t care. You can tell me it was all my fault—that I made you feel less of a man.” Her tone scathed and she narrowed her eyes at him. “But you only felt the man you really are—a weak man, trying to blame someone else for your problems. For your sins. I never blamed you. I don’t know why you felt like that. I blamed myself.” She took a breath.

“I knew we weren’t totally together on wanting a baby. I know I wanted it more than you did. And I’m sorry more than you can know that I pushed you so hard for that.” She stopped, tears flowing now. She wiped her hands across her cheeks. “I can’t believe I loved you and lived with you all these years and didn’t even know you.”

“Krissa…”

“No.” She choked on a sob, sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m done. I hate you for judging me the way you did. I just wish I’d had the guts to tell you that sooner. I tried so hard to do what you wanted. To be what you wanted. And I hate you for making me feel like I never could.”

She heard a low rough sound that might have been a sob from Derek, and even though it hurt her, she kept going. “We’re done. I’m leaving.”

“No.”

“You can’t think we can still have a life together after all this?”

He slowly moved his head from side to side, face wet. “No,” he choked out. “I know. I knew it earlier. When Nate left and you came undone.”

“And that made it okay to go cheat on me with someone else?”

“No. It wasn’t okay. I’m just telling you why. I’m telling you how I felt. Knowing you loved someone else. Terrified that our marriage was over. That I’d pushed you into someone else’s arms because of my own guilt and stupidity. I’m hurting, too, Krissa. Just so you know.”

She sniffled in a quivery breath through her nose, then out, mouth pressed together to keep her lips from trembling. Her hands came together over her mouth and nose in an inverted V as she stared at him.

“I know. And I loved you, Derek. But—God help me—I want you to hurt, too.”

Only a horrible person would want that. Then she straightened her shoulders. She was not a horrible person. She was human. She was wounded, in pain, betrayed and heartbroken. Some day she might forgive Derek. But right now she’d admit she wanted him to hurt as much as she did.