Lost and Found

Chapter Nine

Krissa watched Cameron lift up her shirt, exposing her full breast, the nipple distended, blue veins visible under almost translucent skin. Cameron directed the nipple into the mouth of her waiting baby, who latched on. Immediately her little cheeks worked as she suckled.

Krissa sighed as she watched, fascinated, envious. Her own nipples hardened and she ached way down low. Cameron adjusted the baby with a cushion beneath her arm and smiled down at her tiny daughter who gazed back up at her with wide eyes.

Krissa appreciated the beauty of the picture they made, but for some reason felt confused, a jumble of emotions inside her. Probably because of last night.

Heat cascaded over her. She’d had to escape the house, unable to stay home and face Nate all alone, all day. She closed her eyes at the memory of what she and Derek had done in front of him. God! How embarrassing.

And yet…exciting.

What had Derek meant—he liked to watch? Her imagination could go wild with scenes of Nate and Derek and…who? When? Oh, God.

She throbbed between her legs, clenched her thighs together.

“She slept eight hours last night,” Cameron said, raising her gaze from her baby to Krissa. “God, it felt good. The twins didn’t sleep through the night ’til they were almost a year old.”

“They’re boys. I hear boys are slower at everything.”

Cameron giggled. “It’s true. Look at them.” Her gaze went to the far end of the family room where the two boys played with plastic building blocks. “They’re three years old and just out of diapers.” She rolled her eyes.

“That’s not bad,” Krissa said.

Cameron grinned. “What do you know about toilet training?”

Ah. Busted. Krissa didn’t want to admit to Cam that she’d been reading all about babies and pregnancy for the last two years. She probably knew more than most mothers.

“And we had sex last night.”

Krissa choked on a laugh. “Cam!”

“What? That’s big news. It was the first time in…God. Months.” She sighed. “You’re supposed to wait six weeks, but after six weeks I was still, don’t touch me!”

“You look great.” And she did. Cam’s shoulder-length blonde hair could use some fresh highlights, and without any makeup her pale lashes and freckles made her look like a teenager. The faded T-shirt and old khaki shorts didn’t exactly do much for her, but hey, she was a mom at home with her kids. She looked fine.

Cam laughed. “I look like hell. But I’ve lost the weight. Just wish I had time to shower and put on make-up once in a while. What’s new with you?” Cameron touched a finger to baby Emma’s cheek.

“Um…do you remember Derek’s friend Nate?”

“The big shot photographer?”

Krissa smiled. “Yes. He’s home. He’s staying with us for a while.”

She told Cam about Nate’s eye problems.

“That’s so awful.” Cam’s brows drew together. “I hope he gets better.”

“Me, too. He’s so talented…I think it would kill him if he couldn’t take pictures.”

Cam sighed. “I have to go back to work in a few weeks. Can you believe that?”

“It seems so soon.” Krissa’s eyes fell to the baby and she watched Cam switch breasts.

“I’m still breastfeeding,” Cam said unnecessarily. “How am I supposed to work full time?”

“It can be done.”

Cam sent her another what-the-hell-do-you-know-about-it look.

“So quit,” Krissa said.

“I can’t quit. I’m the alpha earner.”

“Huh?”

Cam laughed humorlessly. “I make way more money than Eric. We can’t afford for me to quit.”

“Would you? If you could?”

“In a heartbeat.” Cam’s gaze returned to her baby’s face. Emma’s eyelids had drifted shut but still she suckled. Cam blinked. “But that’s not going to happen.”

Cam looked like she was going to cry.

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m even married to Eric. If he can’t support his family.”

Krissa’s mouth fell open. “Uh…Cam? This is the twenty-first century. It’s not up to the men to support us anymore.” She tipped her head. “You know, when you think about it, that’s quite a burden to put onto a guy. Like, back in the fifties, when all moms stayed home with the kids. D’you think the husbands ever felt the pressure? They must have worried about that—losing their job, making the next mortgage payment when the kids were begging for new bikes.”

Cam laughed. “Back in our grandparents’ day.”

“Well, yeah. Seriously. Isn’t it better now that both parents are responsible? Now they share the burden?”

“That’s not always the case. I know lots of moms who stay home with their kids. They don’t seem to mind putting that all onto their husband’s shoulders. I wouldn’t mind, if only Eric made enough for us to live on.”

“I thought his business was doing well.”

Cam’s mouth twisted glumly. “Not so good lately.”

“Oh, no.” Krissa stared at her friend, distressed.

Cam waved a hand. “It’s doing okay. But it means I certainly can’t quit my job.”

“You couldn’t live off what he makes?”

“Uh…no, we couldn’t. We’d have to sell this house and move to…Oxnard.”

“A fate worse than death.” But Krissa smiled. “Would you really let a guy support you? Not have any money of your own?”

“You’ve been a double income couple too long. When you’re married, the money belongs to both of you. It’s not his and yours.”

Krissa shrugged. She didn’t want to argue, but she liked having some financial independence. She couldn’t imagine the thought of asking Derek for money for new shoes. But then again, she didn’t have children, and that probably changed everything.

If she ever had a baby, would she feel differently? She’d always imagined herself as a mother, falling in love with her baby, but she’d also always imagined she would continue to work. Would she be like Cam? Would she fall so desperately in love with her children that she’d give up her career—to stay home with her children? In her case, there was no question of Derek’s ability to support them if she didn’t work. His real estate sales were into seven figures last year.

She wouldn’t even tell that to Cam; that would not make her feel any better right now. Ironically, Krissa was the one who’d assumed she’d continue on with her career. Even though she barely had a career. And yet…she really had no idea how she would feel once she held her baby in her arms.

She ached at the thought that she would never know.

“Don’t have kids, Kris. It’s too hard.”

Krissa looked away. In all this time, she’d never told Cam that she and Derek had been trying. Had never confessed her deepest longing. And now she couldn’t share the agony she felt about Derek’s sterility and his decision to not have kids.

Sometimes she wanted to spill it all and share it with someone, and Cam was her best friend. Other times, she was glad Cam didn’t know, because it seemed so pathetic to want something so badly and have it constantly out of reach. But at this moment, Krissa felt anger. Cam was so goddamn lucky and she didn’t even know it. It pissed her off so much. Rage bubbled inside her.

“You love your kids,” she choked out.

“Yeah. But life was so much easier without them.”

Krissa paused to grab control of her emotions. “Oh, Cam. How can you say things like that? I hope you don’t say that in front of the twins.”

Cam’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit. You’re totally right. I’m going to warp them. They’re going to turn into serial killers because they thought I didn’t want them.”

“Why did you have another baby? If things were so hard.” She tried to soften her voice so it didn’t sound like an accusation.

Cam grimaced. “Why do you think? We didn’t plan it.”

Krissa’s heart squeezed. How many times had she heard this story? It was almost a cliché—it seemed like every pregnant woman she knew had gotten knocked up accidentally. Meanwhile, she’d been trying for years and couldn’t. And now she never would.

The empty ache spread inside her. She’d come here to remove herself from the discomfort of staying home with Nate, only to find herself getting dragged down again into the despair of being childless.

She stood up and went over to where Benjamin and Alexander played. They were being so good. Some child time was what she needed.

“Hey, guys,” she said, dropping to the floor beside them.

“Auntie Kwissie,” Ben said. He jumped onto her lap, almost knocking her over and she laughed and hugged him. “Pway wiff us.”

And she did.

On the drive home, she realized that being with Cam and her children had plunged her back into the pool of longing for a child. She gripped the steering wheel tightly.

She would talk to Derek again. There were many things she didn’t bother arguing with him about. She liked a peaceful life—arguing made her tense and miserable. But this…she couldn’t let something this important drop. She’d find a way to convince him. There must be a way.

She nibbled her bottom lip as she drove, thoughts careening around in her head.

Her first choice would be a sperm donor. Then at least half the baby’s DNA would be hers. Surely to God Derek could love a child that was hers? Suppose she’d had a child before they met. He’d love that child, too, wouldn’t he?

She flicked on her blinker and turned the wheel, pulling into the driveway of their home. She parked, put the car in gear, turned off the ignition, but still sat there, mind churning.

Maybe they just had to find the right donor. She’d already told him they could pick someone who looked just like him. But…what if they had a family member who would do it? Would that be weird? It almost seemed…incestuous. But Derek had no brothers, and no male cousins either. And neither did she.

A friend.

Krissa went very still, lifted her eyes to the house. Her body tightened and she swallowed. What if…she closed her eyes.

Impossible. It was impossible.

But she had to try it. If Derek would even consider it…it was worth a shot.

She tried to clamp down on the excitement lurching inside her as she hurried into the house.

She called out a hello to Nate in his bedroom, then went straight to her office and shut the door. “I need to talk to you,” she said urgently into the phone.

“I’ll be home for dinner,” Derek said. “Be home by six at the latest tonight. I promise.”

Krissa shifted from one foot to the other. “Can’t you get home early tonight? This is important.”

He sighed. “I can’t, hon. I’ll get there as quick as I can. What’s going on?”

“I just need to ask you something. I have an idea…”

“About what?”

What the hell did he think it was about? She held the phone away from her ear and scowled at it. “What color to paint the kitchen,” she said bitterly. “Okay, fine, we’ll talk when you get here.”

“Okay, babe, see you later.”

She dropped the phone. Damn. Patience wasn’t one of her strengths. When she got an idea in her head, she needed to do something about it. Now.

She turned on her computer. She’d researched sperm donation but not how it worked when you used the sperm of someone you knew.

She sank into her chair and covered the mouse with her hand, propping her chin on her other hand.

She heard the knock at her door and jumped. Her eyes flew back to the computer screen. “Uh…hang on.” She quickly closed the window. “Come in.”

“Hey.” Nate stood in the door, looking big and gorgeous in his jeans and close-fitting T-shirt. God, he was a hot guy.

She gulped. That wasn’t an appropriate thought.

“Hi.” She smiled brightly.

“I was wondering about joining a gym,” he said, taking a step into her office. “I still feel kind of puny after being sick.” He may have been sick but he was a long way from puny, with lots of muscle definition under that T-shirt.

“Uh…you want to work out?”

“Yeah. I lost a lot of weight—I’d like to bulk up a bit.”

He’d always been an athlete. Being fit and strong was important to him. She blinked. “You look really good.” Shit.

“Uh…thanks.” He shoved his hand through his hair.

“Well, um…Derek has a gym downstairs. Not a lot of stuff—a universal gym, a bench, some weights, a treadmill. You’re welcome to use it.”

“Hey. That’s great. Since I don’t have a vehicle.”

“You can use my car anytime. Well, if I don’t need it. Tomorrow I’ll be out all day doing presentations for one of my clients, but otherwise you can use it.”

“I should think about renting a car, maybe. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be here.”

“Yeah, I guess you could do that.” She still sat perched on the edge of her chair and she drummed her fingers on the arm.

They looked at each other. The damn glasses hid his eyes so she had no idea if he was feeling as tense as she was. His posture gave away nothing, although she thought he did look a little stiff. Her eyes dropped to his crotch, then skittered away.

Jesus. What was wrong with her? Last night had obviously stirred up some hormones or something.

“I’ll go check it out,” Nate said, and disappeared.

She slumped back in the chair.