Lost and Found

Chapter Six

Once again, Nate found Krissa in the kitchen in the morning, reading the paper and drinking coffee. She looked like she’d just come from a funeral. Or had a really bad cold. Still gorgeous though, luminous green eyes surrounded by long thick eyelashes, glossy dark hair falling over her shoulders and down her back.

She wore plaid flannel shorts and a gray T-shirt. Pretty ugly clothes. Bare toes tipped with pink polish rested on the rung of the stool and the way they curved around it fascinated him, made him ache with tenderness. Her small toes almost looked like a child’s and reminded him of the reason for her unhappiness.

“Good morning.” She looked up, then quickly away, as if she was embarrassed.

“Morning.” He knew where the coffee mugs were now and helped himself. “You okay?”

She nodded. “I’m really sorry about last night, Nate.”

She was apologizing—to him! “No need,” he said curtly, not looking at her.

“Yes. I was rude. I was just…”

“I know. Derek told me.”

“He did?” Her eyes widened and her lips parted. “Oh.”

“You sound surprised.”

“Well…he…yeah.”

“He’s my friend.”

“I know.” She folded up the newspaper and pushed it over to him. He found the sports section, but it was damn hard to read the small print with dark glasses on. He gave up.

“What do you want to know?” She dragged the paper back to herself. “Baseball? Dodgers?”

He stared at her. She flipped open the paper and her eyes moved up and down. “Dodgers five, Marlins two.”

“How’d you know…?”

“I remember. You were a big baseball fan. Remember when the four of us drove to L.A. for a game?” She smiled wistfully. “That was fun.”

He said nothing. He remembered. It had only been a couple of weeks before Lauren’s car crash. It had been fun—two happy couples, carefree and innocent. He and Lauren had just found out they were going to be parents. A surprise, but a good one. They hadn’t even told anyone.

“Thanks.” His voice came out scratchy and he cleared his throat.

“I really liked Lauren,” Krissa continued. “She was a sweetheart. So funny and kind. So loyal.”

Nate choked on his coffee. “Yeah, right.”

She gave him a funny look.

“How about the Angels? Did they win? I think they played Tampa Bay.”

She turned her attention back to the newspaper. “Lost. Eight-six.”

“Damn.” He sipped more coffee. “Don’t you ever work?”

“Yes. I work from home. I have some things to do for a presentation I’m doing next week. But I should be able to get that done this morning. After lunch, I need to go shopping.”

“Ah.”

“For groceries.” She smiled.

“Oh. Can I come?”

She lifted a brow. “You want to come grocery shopping?”

“Yeah. I like food.”

“Okay. Sure.” She shook her head. “Derek won’t set foot in the grocery store.”

“I’ll cook dinner for you two one night,” Nate offered. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re doing extra because I’m here. I don’t want to be any trouble. I know I showed up at a bad time.”

Her mouth twisted. “Kind of bad, yeah.” She hitched a small shoulder. “It’s okay, though.”

He studied her. “What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?” She tipped her head to one side.

“Sounds like Derek’s pretty firm on not adopting.”

“Or having me impregnated with another man’s sperm.”

“Uh…yeah.” He shifted on his stool. “So…? You’re okay with that?”

Her full lips pushed out. “No. I’m not okay with that.” She swiped up a drop of coffee off the granite counter with a fingertip. “I don’t think Derek understands how much I want children.”

Children. Plural. One baby from China wasn’t going to do it.

“Why?”

She frowned at him.

“Why is it so important? And why doesn’t Derek get it?”

“It’s the most important thing in the world,” she said slowly. “It’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like …” she hesitated, looked around the room. “I feel like I have all this love in me.” She put a hand over her chest, drawing his attention to her breasts beneath the grey cotton. He couldn’t help but notice she wore no bra, pointy little nipples poking through as she pressed the fabric to her chest. “I have to…share it. I need to. I want to bring a new life into the world and…love it and look after it.” Her eyes glistened.

Ah, shit, she was going to start crying again. He glanced around for a box of tissues, but saw none.

“Do you know what I mean?”

He recalled the emotions that had chased through him at the news he was going to be a father. Excitement. Awe. Fear. Because, like she said, it was so important. Screwing up was not an option. He nodded. “I guess so.”

“Derek doesn’t. And now I feel so betrayed. I thought he understood, I thought he felt the same until last night. We’ve talked about what we’d do if we couldn’t have children of our own. But…” She hesitated.

“What?”

“Derek always believed it was my fault.”

“It’s not anybody’s fault.” He couldn’t let that go. There seemed to be a lot of blame flying. “It isn’t something you can control. If you weren’t able to get pregnant for some medical reason, he couldn’t blame you.”

“But that’s how I felt. Like he was blaming me for all the shit we were going through. And I do feel responsible. Even now…when we know it’s him.”

“Again, not his fault.”

“I didn’t say that,” she snapped. Then she sighed. “Sorry. I don’t blame him, Nate. I still feel like it’s all my fault, because I’m the one who wants a baby so badly.”

“He doesn’t?” That didn’t make sense.

“Not the same way. He wants a baby because that’s what you do. People get married, have kids. But he doesn’t agonize over it like I do. So even though I’m sure he’s devastated by knowing he can’t have children, he’d be fine without.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

She laughed. “Oh yes I can. And Derek…well, never mind. Want some breakfast?”

“Just some toast, maybe.”

They talked while she toasted bread, spread peanut butter, poured more coffee. He ate six slices of toast. Could have eaten two more. His appetite had returned with a vengeance.

He listened to her as she talked about her best friend Cameron’s children, her three-month-old baby, her three-year-old twins. How envious Krissa was. How she hadn’t even told Cameron they’d been trying to have a baby.

“Why not?”

“Because she doesn’t think I should have kids.”

He shook his head. “Huh? She has three but she doesn’t think you should have any?”

Her lips quirked. “Not because I’d be a bad mother or anything. She’s just overwhelmed right now. Kids are a lot of work.”

“Well, yeah, but…”

She laughed. “I know, I know. So it’s easier if I just don’t say anything about it. I don’t want to get in a big discussion about the pros and cons of being a parent. According to her, it’s all cons. And I know that’s not true but if I try to tell her that, she just says I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t have kids. So it’s just easier.”

He nodded.

“I’m going to get some work done.” She hesitated. “I feel bad just leaving you…”

“I told you, I’m not here to be entertained. I’ll go for a walk on the beach or something.” He squinted out the window at the bright sky. “I forgot how it never rains here in the summer. All this sun is killing me.”

“I love the sun.”

“Normally, me too. Any chance I could get to be outside, taking pictures…especially water.”

“I know. Your photographs are beautiful, Nate.”

“I saw you have one. In the family room.”

“Yes. We bought it on-line.”

“I’d have given it to you, if you’d asked.”

“Don’t be silly. That’s how you earn your living. I looked at all the ones on your website and I picked that one. It was hard though, they’re all so…serene. Soulful.”

“Yeah.”

“There was an article about you in the newspaper—local boy makes good kind of story.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” The reporter had interviewed him by phone. He sighed, not liking the reminder of what he couldn’t do.

Krissa disappeared and he took his walk, sat and stared at the ocean until his eyes burned from the brightness despite the glasses and he was forced back into the house.

He ran into Krissa in the hall, still dressed in her ugly shorts, although the legs they revealed were spectacular. His eyes were streaming water, but he could still make out an attractive pair of legs.

“Are you okay?” Concern edged her voice.

“Yeah.” Embarrassed, he wiped his face. “The sun was getting to my eyes.”

“Oh, God. What can you do…just sit in the dark?”

“I have some drops the eye doctor gave me.” He grimaced. “I just hate putting them in.”

She blinked. “Why?

“I can’t stand anything in my eyes.” He shuddered.

“Go get the drops,” she said. “I have no problem touching eyeballs.”

“Nobody is touching my eyeballs.”

She laughed. “Okay, I won’t touch them. But I can put the drops in for you.”

“Uh…that’s okay.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, don’t be such a baby. Get the drops.”

He hesitated, then went into his room and returned, holding up a small bottle.

She took the bottle from him. “Come and lay down on the couch.”

They went into the family room. “Lean your head back.” She gave the bottle a shake then unscrewed the cap. He did as she asked, removing the sunglasses as he rested his head on the soft cushion, his body tightened in preparation for the torture she was about to deliver.

Krissa gazed down at Nate’s closed eyelids, dark lashes fanning on his high cheekbones. He was…incredibly beautiful.

Her heart skipped a beat, then started thudding unreasonably in her chest. The fingers holding the tiny bottle trembled. She touched a fingertip beside his left eye. “Can you open this eye?” Her voice came out in a whisper.

He opened the eye and stared at the ceiling. His eyes were a beautiful aquamarine color, like a Caribbean cove. Clear and translucent. She compressed the bottle and a drop fell into his eye. He immediately squeezed it shut and hissed.

“Does that hurt?” She sank her teeth into her bottom lip. She didn’t want to hurt him.

“Like a bitch,” he muttered.

She waited before doing the other eye, then capped the bottle, watching him screw up his face. Still gorgeous.

He lay there for long moments, the house quiet, until he huffed out a breath and blinked his eyes open.

“Better?” she whispered. Tenderness expanded in her chest.

He looked up at her and their eyes met. And held.