Passion and Ponies

Chapter 18 – Sparkly Penis

- Tyler -

“You haven’t talked very much about the situation with your real dad. I know we’re trying out this whole talking thing now, but all we seem to talk about is me,” Ava says during our lunch break at work.

“I’m an open book. You already know everything. The sperm bank had a mix-up with the records and they have no fucking clue who the sperm donor was. My only hope at this point is that my mom remembers who she had the foursome with in college so I can try and contact those dudes,” I explain to her.

“There’s got to be something else you can do,” she says, gathering up her trash and tossing it in the bin in the corner of the room.

“Oh, there is. I’m going to BronyCon to find my dad.”

She turns to face me. “You’re going to what?”

“Uh, hello? BronyCon, only the biggest My Little Pony convention in the entire world. They’re having it in Cleveland this year the week after Christmas and I’m going.”

Before I can further explain my epic plan and possibly ask her to go with me, the door to the lunch room opens and Gavin comes running in.

“I just saw Jim in the hall and I told him I was going to ask Charlotte to marry me and now I’m pretty sure he’s going to kill me,” Gavin says in a rush.

“I doubt Jim is not going to kill you because you want to marry his daughter,” I laugh.

He ducks down behind my chair just as the door flies open again and Jim stalks in.

“Where is he? Where is that little maggot?”

Ava rushes up to her dad and throws her arms around him. “Hi, Daddy! It’s so good to see you. Why don’t we go find mom?”

Jim untangles her arms from around his neck and moves her to the side. “Not now, honey. I have a man to kill.”

“See?!” Gavin whispers behind me.

I watch as Jim’s eyes narrow when he catches sight of Gavin crouched down and rocking back and forth behind my chair.

“Dude, stand down. You aren’t going to kill Gavin,” Drew says, walking through the door and wrapping his hands around Jim’s arms.

“Fine, I won’t kill him. I just want to talk to him, loudly and with a few punches to his nut sack,” Jim states quietly.

Standing up from my chair, I walk around the table to stand in front of Jim. “Mr. Gillmore, I’d just like to say that-”

“Move out of the way, fuck face, or I’ll kick your ass instead,” Jim interrupts.

I nod and step out of his way. “Very good, sir.”

“Get your ass out from behind that chair,” Jim yells to Gavin.

Ava inches towards the door. “I’m gonna go get help.”

She turns and flees from the room and I have a sudden need to follow her. Jim is a scary motherfucker when he’s angry and right now, he’s pissed.

We watch as Gavin slowly stands up, his eyes darting all around the room, looking for a way out.

“What the hell is going on in here? Someone said there was a fight happening,” Liz says as she walks into the room a few seconds later with Claire right on her heals.

“There’s nothing to see here, ladies. How about you just go on back to work and let me handle this,” Jim tells Liz. “Gavin and I are going to settle this like men.”

Jim clenches his fists and brings them up in front of his face. “You want to marry my daughter? Then it’s time for a little Fight Club.”

Claire lets out a huff and puts her hands on her hips. “Oh, hell no! Fight Club is for Liz and me. You don’t get to have Fight Club! The first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t get to have fucking Fight Club!”

“Wait just a minute here,” Liz interrupts. “Did Gavin seriously ask your permission to marry Charlotte? That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Jim sighs, never taking his eyes off of Gavin. “You’re not helping. He is not marrying our daughter.”

“Wouldn’t you rather they get married so that the things he’s currently doing to her that are illegal in ten states aren’t frowned upon?” I ask.

“Boom! That just happened!” Drew shouts, holding his hand up for me to give him a high-five.

I reach up to smack it, quickly pulling my arm back down when I see Jim give me the look of death.

“Hey, is that glitter on your hand?” I ask Drew, taking a closer look at the sparkles on his palm.

Drew drops his arm and frantically tries to wipe his hand on his pants. “I’m not doing anything wrong or weird. Sometimes I like to cover my hand in glitter and then jerk off with it because it makes everything pretty like a rainbow, so you can all just shut up right now!”

Everyone stares at him, Gavin’s pending beat-down momentarily forgotten.

“Even though I’m going to regret asking this, the glitter is seriously from you jerking off and not cheating on Jenny?” Liz asks.

“Cheating on Jenny? Why would I ever cheat on Jenny?” Drew asks in shock.

“Well, she thinks you’re cheating on her because you keep making excuses to leave the house and you come home covered in strange glitter that she swears isn’t stripper glitter,” Claire informs him.

“This is craft glitter. Everyone knows stripper glitter is more miniscule, comes in brighter colors and smells like vanilla,” Drew tells us with a roll of his eyes.

I grab Drew’s wrist and pull his hand close to my face. There’s something familiar about this glitter but I can’t wrap my head around it.

“I’ve seen this glitter somewhere before,” I mutter.

Drew snatches his hand back. “No you haven’t! You have no idea what you’re talking about! It’s my special glitter and all it does is make my penis sparkle!”

“I think I liked this conversation much better when we were discussing all the ways Uncle Jim was going to kill me,” Gavin states with a disgusted look on his face.

“Yes, let’s get back to that, shall we?” Jim asks, moving to the edge of the table, opposite Gavin. “Did you knock up my daughter?”

“Oh, for the love of God,” Liz complains.

“What?! No!” Gavin shouts.

Jim starts to move around the table towards Gavin. “But you’ve been having sex with my daughter when the rules clearly state that I only let the two of you live together as long as you didn’t touch her.”

Gavin shuffles the opposite way around the table.

“Charlotte is NOT pregnant, I swear. We don’t even want kids! I love her and she loves me. I want to spend the rest of my life with her,” Gavin tells Jim, circling the table to get away from him.

“Jim, stop trying to kill Gavin. I have a meeting I’m late for,” Liz complains.

“Calm down, Jim. They’re probably just having anal. Anal doesn’t count,” Drew announces.

Gavin laughs and Jim stops moving, glaring at him across the table.

I really feel like I should do something to stop this. Gavin is my best friend and I don’t want to see him get the shit kicked out him by his future father-in-law. Glancing around the room I see that Ava never came back after getting Liz and her Aunt Claire so it’s now or never.

The word-vomit starts flowing before I even think about what I’m doing. “I’m pretty sure I might be falling in love with Ava, I’m a certified Brony, I let Ava spank me with a My Little Pony tail and my safe word is pancakes.”

Before I can recover my breath from my outburst, Jim’s fist connects with my cheek and stars burst in front of my eyes. The next thing I know, I’m hitting the floor with a groan.

“Dude, my safe word is ‘waffles.’ I knew I liked you for a reason,” Drew states, staring down at me.

He holds out his hand out and helps me up to my feet while I cradle one hand against my cheek that’s screaming in pain.

Everyone stands around with their mouths wide open staring at Jim, waiting to see what he’s going to do next. Hopefully he’s not going to hit me again because Jesus fuck that hurt.

“Well, I feel better. Let’s go plan this proposal,” Jim states, shaking the soreness from his hand as he turns and walks out of the room.