Passion and Ponies

Chapter 24 – Merry Kiss My Ass

- Tyler -

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY COOKIES?!”

Gavin and I pause by the kitchen sink, staring at each other in confusion as Claire’s angry voice carries from the living room.

“Dude, what’s wrong with your mom?”

Gavin shrugs, returning to the task of removing all traces of human feces from Charlotte’s engagement ring.

“Who the hell knows? Just keep an eye out for Charlotte. She can’t see this ring until it’s time.”

“You’re seriously still going to give that thing to her? Dude, you should just chuck it and call it a loss. You can’t put a ring on her finger that at one point in time was in your uncle’s colon.”

Gavin ignores me and continues to furiously scrub the ring wearing a pair of rubber gloves, soap and water flying everywhere. I continue with my guard duty, standing between Gavin and the door so I can block what he’s doing from anyone who enters. I’m not going to think about the fact that Ava and I just had our first fight and now she won’t even look at me, or the fact that the gift I bought her for Christmas is now a total bust. She’ll probably burn it and laugh at my lame attempt to try and get her to understand me a little better.

Gavin’s hand is suddenly in my face, the two carat diamond sparkling right by my nose. “Smell this. Does it smell like shit?”

“Eeeew! Get that thing away from me!” I shout, smacking his hand away as I turn to face him.

“Stop being a pussy and smell it!” Gavin argues.

“I don’t want to smell it, YOU smell it!” I fire back.

“SMELL IT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE SACK!”

I hear a groan behind me and whip around to find Charlotte standing in the doorway with a disgusted look on her face. “Are you two smelling your fingers again?”

Throwing my arms out wide to cover Gavin, giving him time to pocket the ring, I smile at Charlotte. “Oh, my God, you caught us! We like smelling our fingers. What else would we smell? Smelling our fingers is fun. Do you want to smell my fingers?”

Gavin’s elbow jabs into my spine and I quickly correct my last statement. “NO! Don’t come over here. I’ll come to you so you can smell my fingers.”

Gavin curses quietly and Charlotte shakes her head. “You two are so weird. Gavin, you need to get in here. Your mom is having a breakdown about her Christmas cookies.”

He sticks his head out next to mine. “Okay, honey! We’ll be there as soon as we’re finished in here!”

She gives us one last weird look before leaving the kitchen.

We both sigh in relief and I turn back around to look at Gavin

“Smelling our fingers is fun?” he asks with a roll of his eyes.

“Hey, it got her out of here, didn’t it?”

“I’M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES!”

Another scream from Claire has us hustling out of the kitchen and into the living room. The sight before us is a little crazy, but nothing we haven’t seen before in this family. Claire is holding a tray of frosted Christmas cookies in one hand and using the other to throw them at Drew, Carter and Jim, all of whom are huddled on the floor in front of the tree covering their faces and laughing hysterically.

I look over at Ava questioningly, but as soon as our eyes meet, she quickly looks away. I should never have said those things to her. I crossed the line and now she’s never going to speak to me again.

“Honey, calm down, it’s not that big of a deal,” Carter laughs as a cookie bounces off of his nose.

“YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!” Claire screams.

“Hey, can I get everyone’s attention? I have something important to say,” Gavin says loudly, trying to calm the situation.

Liz gets up from the couch, walks over to Claire and pats her on the back. “The cookies aren’t that bad.”

Claire turns and thrusts the tray into Liz’s face. “Not that bad?! There are bloody frogs in Santa’s bag.”

I can’t help it. A loud laugh bursts out of me, but I quickly cover my mouth when Claire looks at me with rage in her eyes.

Gavin tries again, walking into the middle of the room. “Seriously, can everyone stop talking?”

“Hey, it was your idea to let the three of us finish decorating those cookies. What did you expect?” Drew asks.

“What did I expect? WHAT DID I EXPECT? I certainly didn’t expect you assholes to shit on tradition by writing ‘Merry Kiss My Ass’ on my Christmas cookies!” Claire screeches like a banshee as she lobs a handful of cookies across the room.

Gavin drops to the floor to avoid getting smacked in the face and Drew squeals like a girl when a cookie hits him square in the chest. “Heeeey, don’t break this one! It’s my favorite. Do you know how long I spent making flesh-colored frosting to turn these stockings in to penises?”

Claire lets out a feral scream and prepares to launch herself over the table to attack Drew but is thwarted by Liz, who grabs her firmly around the waist to prevent bloodshed.

“In our defense, Drew brought over some of his special cookies and we may or may not have eaten two dozen of them between us before we started decorating,” Jim explains.

“You three idiots ate pot cookies before you decorated Claire’s Christmas cookies? What is wrong with you?” Liz asks in amazement.

“See? Now you know why I want to kill them,” Claire adds.

Liz lets go of her hold on Claire and crosses her arms in front of her. “Exactly. They had pot cookies and didn’t share with us.”

Claire smacks her in the arm and Liz backpedals. “I mean, you three should be ashamed of yourself for ruining those cookies.”

From his spot on the carpet, Gavin reaches out and picks up one of the fallen cookies. “Does this present cookie say ‘To Gavin, from Chuck Norris?”

Claire and Carter make eye contact over Gavin’s head and they both start laughing.

“Wait a minute. I remember when I was like ten, I got a bunch of presents for Christmas from weird people. Big Bird, Captain Spock, RuPaul and Satan,” Gavin mutters.

This makes Claire and Carter laugh even harder.

“We may or may not have smoked a little pot that year under the Christmas tree while we wrapped your presents,” Claire says in between giggles.

“Seriously, you guys? When I asked about it on Christmas morning you told me the elves were pissed at Santa because he didn’t offer 401k,” Gavin complains. “That’s the year I stopped believing in Santa because you said he didn’t have fair labor laws.”

“We were probably high on Christmas morning, too,” Carter says with a shrug.

Charlotte walks up to Gavin and offers her hand, helping him up from the floor.

“By the way, Claire, if you’re looking for your rabbit vibrator, it’s in the silverware drawer,” Drew tells her casually as he gets up from the floor and drops himself onto the couch.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Claire asks. “Why were you anywhere near my rabbit?”

Drew shrugs and picks up a broken cookie resting on the cushion next to him. “Frosting cookies with a butter knife wasn’t working for me so I went digging through the drawers in your bedroom. On the lowest setting with the beads swirling, the rabbit does a magical job of frosting cookies.”

“I ate four of those cookies already!” Liz shouts, grabbing a napkin from the coffee table and wiping her tongue with it.

Gavin looks over at me and I’m fairly sure he’s about ready to throw up. This is definitely not how he envisioned proposing to Charlotte, but he should have known better with his family.

“Dude, just do it. It can’t possibly get any worse,” I tell him.

Charlotte looks back and forth between us as Claire rushes over to the couch to strangle Drew. “Do it? Do what?”

Gavin takes a deep breath and gets down on his knee. The entire room goes silent and Charlotte’s eyes go wide as Gavin digs into the front pocket of his pants.

He pulls out the ring and holds it up in front of him. “Charlotte, you are my best friend and I love you more than I ever thought possible. I want to spend the rest of my life kissing you goodnight and waking up to you every morning. Will you marry me?”

Charlotte doesn’t miss a beat. She immediately starts jumping up and down screaming. “YES, YES, OH, MY GOD YES!”

She throws herself into Gavin’s arms and everyone starts cheering and clapping as Gavin gets up from the floor.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Put the ring on her finger already!” Claire says excitedly.

Gavin looks down at the ring, up at Charlotte and then back down. “Um, I think I’ll wait.”

Charlotte holds her left hand out for him. “Don’t be silly, put it on!”

Gavin pulls the ring in close to his chest. “No, really, I think you’re going to want to wait to put this on.”

She rolls her eyes at him, holding her palm out. “Give me the ring.”

“No,” Gavin shakes his head.

“Gavin, I want my ring.”

He holds the ring tighter to his chest and continues shaking his head.

Oh, for the love of God.

“Charlotte, Drew shit out that ring about twenty minutes ago. It needs a good bleaching before it comes in contact with your finger,” I tell her.

Gavin gives me a dirty look for spilling his secret and Charlotte’s hand recoils in revulsion.

“Drew, I thought we decided a few years ago that putting jewelry up there was dangerous,” Jenny scolds. “My mother still isn’t happy that I haven’t been able to return that strand of pearls I borrowed.”

Everyone starts talking all at once while Gavin explains about Drew eating the cupcake with the ring inside. Ava has been quiet through this entire debacle and I can’t help but stare at her across the room. She looks sad and I want to go to her, but I don’t want to cause a scene in front of everyone right now. This is a happy moment for my best friend and I’m not going to ruin it by getting into another argument with Ava. I’m sure she just needs to cool off a little and then everything will be fine between us and we can go back to having amazing sex.