Providence

Chapter Sixteen The Arrangement

“Just keep walking,” Beth said, coaxing me into class.

Jared stood against the wall beside the door. He didn’t speak or approach me; he only watched as Beth led me in. My chest ached at the exhausted look in his eyes. He hadn’t slept.

Day after day, Jared continued to wait at the doorway of any place necessary for me to enter. By the end of the week I would feel a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I was coming or going. Sometimes he watched me walk past, sometimes he kept his eyes to the ground, but he was always there.

The second week was more difficult than the first. Jared still waited for me in random places on campus, and my friends began to ask questions. Ryan guessed there was trouble and proceeded to grill me about the details. I was glad that he noticed it was too painful to discuss, and let me suffer in silence.

Jared’s eyes darkened from midnight blue to black each time he saw Ryan walking happily beside me. It was unfair to let his worst fear play out in front of him, and I regretted not explaining to him the night I ended things that he would never have to suffer through that. I couldn’t be with someone else knowing that I could never truly love them the way I should, least of all Ryan. He deserved someone’s whole heart, and I had left mine with Jared.

Ryan knocked on my door every day, several times a day to visit or walk me to class, and I welcomed the company. It was easier to function when I was around him; he became my main distraction from all things Jared. Any obligation I felt for him had disappeared. As more time passed, I realized it wasn’t just him; I didn’t feel anything around anyone. I concentrated so hard on keeping Jared from sensing my grief that I felt numb most of the time.

By the second week of April, I had learned to keep my emotions in check. Kim, Beth and I passed Jared on our way into the Ratty and as usual, but I couldn’t get quite past him without my eyes involuntarily glancing in his direction. When I did so, his eyes caught mine and for the first time in a month, he reached out and firmly pulled my arm, bringing me just inches from his face.

Beth and Kim stood a few feet away. They didn’t protest, but they didn’t leave me alone. I assumed they thought they might get an insight on the strange situation with Jared if they stuck around to eavesdrop.

I stood in front of him, obstinately silent.

Jared scanned my face in confusion. He didn’t speak so I took a step toward the door. He pulled me back.

His sweet scent floated around me and my chest tightened. Feeling something other than hollow sent a wave of panic over me and I lashed out at him. “What do you want, Jared?”

He winced at my acerbic tone. “I’ve been patient. I’ve given you space. But it’s time we talked.”

I pulled my coat from his grip. “You haven’t given me space! You’re everywhere.”

“I thought maybe you’d break down and talk to me. This has to stop, Nina,” he said, working to stay calm.

“You’re right. This has to stop. You can do your job without being in my life. You’ve done it before.”

Jared pulled up my hand, viewing his ring still firmly in place. “If you don’t care about me, then why are you so adamant in keeping your promise?”

“It’s still a promise…no matter who it’s to,” I said, pulling my hand away. My wrist ached at the remaining warmth from his grip.

“That ring will be slightly inconvenient when you get married one of these days, don’t you think?”

“I can take it off if you’d like,” I shrugged.

Jared’s shoulders relaxed and the exhaustion set in. “Don’t act like you’re not hurting over this.”

“I…,” I should have lied to him and told him I was fine, but I couldn’t. The grief in his eyes was unbearable, so I retreated to the Ratty.

Jared’s hand shot out and grabbed the sleeve of my coat again, but this time I turned and jerked my arm down and away, and then yanked the door open. Beth and Kim quickly followed.

I sat between Ryan and Tucker, quietly picking at my food.

“Nina, you don’t eat much anymore,” Ryan said. “You look like you’ve lost some weight. I’m starting to worry about you.”

“I’m fine,” I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes and threw his french fry to his plate. “I know you’re fine. You’ve been fine for a month.”

“I’m fine!” All eyes in the room seemed to dart in my direction, looking for the source of the commotion. I stood and walked out, leaving my tray on the table.

I stormed past Jared and walked straight to my dorm, deciding to skip my afternoon class. Concentrating so hard on being void of any emotion took up so much of my energy that I tended to take naps more often than not. I rolled into a ball under my blanket and cleared my mind. Before long, I drifted off.

I woke to a knock at the door. It was dark; I had been asleep for hours. My muscles felt heavy and congealed, so I waited for Beth to answer.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked the visitor in a hushed voice.

“Is Nina here?” Ryan asked, peering around her.

“She’s sleeping,” Beth whispered.

“No, I’m up. Come in, Ryan,” I said.

Ryan stepped across the room, and I bounced when he plopped onto my bed. “You need to pull yourself together.”

“Shut up, Ryan,” I said, wiping the inevitably smeared mascara from my eyes.

He pressed his thumb gently under my eye to fix a place that I missed. “We’re going out. I want you to come with us.”

I shook my head. “No thank you. I don’t….”

“I know you don’t want to, Nina. You never want to do anything. But you need to,” he said, flattening the parts of my hair that were out of place. “Things suck right now. You’re miserable, we all see it, but maybe if he thinks you’re happy he’ll back off.”

I looked up at him. “What?”

“I just meant that he’s probably hanging around because he’s worried about you. You look so unhappy. If he thought you were okay without him…maybe he’d let you live your life.”

I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him tightly to me, and then scrambled across the room to pull on my jacket.

“Walk with me,” I said, holding the door open.

He raised an eyebrow and stood up reluctantly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m perfect, let’s go,” I said, hurrying him out the door.

I pulled him along by his hand, dragging him to the parking lot. When we got to my car, Ryan paused. “We’re going somewhere?”

“Just get in.”

He didn’t move. “You’re weirding me out, Nigh."

“Please?”

“Will you tell me where we’re going, first?”

“Some place we can talk. Just…trust me,” I said, aware that I seemed completely insane.

“Nina, I trust you. I just think you’re not yourself these days.”

“If you trusted me, you would be in the car by now.” I slid into the driver’s seat and waited. After a few moments, Ryan opened the door and sat beside me. I smiled at him and touched his hand. “Thank you.”

Ryan offered a half smile and squeezed my hand, holding it tightly the entire trip to my parents’ home. When we pulled into the drive, he let go.

“Whoa,” he said under his breath.

I turned off the ignition and searched each window for any sign of Cynthia, but the house was dark. Ryan followed me up the stairs to my father’s office, and I closed the door behind him. He looked around, clearly nervous.

“Can we talk, now?” he asked. When I nodded, he let out a loud, frustrated sigh. “What the hell’s going on with you, Nina? I’m serious…you’re starting to worry me. I wish you would let me help you.”

I closed my eyes in relief and whispered as quietly as I could. “There is something you can do.”

Ryan leaned in, keeping his voice low like mine, “Just name it.”

I kept my eyes closed, cringing at my coming request. “It’s really…really selfish. It’s horrible. It’s the worst thing I could ask of you, but I think it’s the only thing that will work. It’s the only way he’ll move on.” I peeked up at him, already fearful of his response.

“This is about Jared?” he said.

I nodded.

“Okay, let’s hear it.”

“I….” Ryan’s hopeful expression made me hesitate. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it, even if he agreed.

“Nigh, don’t be a pain in the ass. Just say it,” he said, staring me down.

“I need you to date me,” I breathed, barely above a whisper.

Ryan’s face instantly compressed. “What? Why are you whispering?”

I ignored his last question. “I need you to date me. You know, take me on dates, to the movies, eat lunch with me, walk me to class…and hang out with me in the evenings.” I forced a contrived smile. “I’ll pay.”

“You need me to date you,” he repeated in monotone.

“Jared has it in his head that you and I belong together,” I said. Ryan’s face morphed into suspicion. “Just…trust me. That’s what he thinks, and the only way he would ever accept that I was moving on is with you. He said once that he would step aside if I chose you. It’s just for a few months — just until he gives up — and then you don’t have to do it anymore,” I begged.

Ryan chuckled, taking in my ludicrous idea. “I won’t have to do it anymore? You know this is better than anything I could have ever hoped for, right?”

“Ryan….” Afraid he would be offended and decide not to help me, I hesitated, “I have to be honest with you…we will always be friends. I care about you, but I can’t let you go into this thinking it’s going to end up being something more. We’ll just be pretending. I can’t… I don’t see myself being with anyone else. Ever,” I exhaled, glad that part of the conversation was over.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Why go through the charade? Why not just get a protective order?”

I looked down to my hands. “He’s just following me around because he knows I still love him.”

Ryan didn’t expect my answer, and his nose wrinkled in response. “If you still love him, then why aren’t you with him?”

I crossed my arms. “Are you going to help me or not?”

“Josh is going to think I’m crazy.”

I shook my head. “You can’t tell anyone. Not Kim, not Tucker or Josh, not your mom. If you tell anyone, even just one person, he’ll find out.”

“Is he FBI or something?” Ryan said, looking a bit creeped out. “What did you get yourself mixed up in, Nigh?

“Will you do it for me? I know it sounds crazy, and I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’re the only one that can help me,” I said, tugging desperately at his shirt.

“Pretend to be your boyfriend? Lie to all my friends? Let you break my heart when it’s all said and done?”

I nodded sheepishly.

“Sure,” he said, smiling.

I wasn’t sure if the tears came from the fact that Ryan had agreed to help me, or that my plan would work, but I grabbed him and hugged him to me as if I needed him to breathe. He hugged me back, and then pulled away, looking into my eyes.

“I’m going to regret this. I can already tell,” he said, smiling softly.

We drove back to Brown, and as we walked from the parking lot, Ryan took my hand. “If we’re going to do this, we should do it right, right? No one is going to believe us if we never touch.”

“Right.”

I struggled to keep my emotions in check as we walked down the halls of my dorm. Jared could see us and I fought against the guilt I felt for hurting him. If I was going to fool him at all, I would have to concentrate on feeling comfortable and happy with Ryan.

We stopped at my door and Ryan let go of my hand. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us tonight?”

After I nodded, Ryan leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. I let my feelings for him as a friend bleed through the awkwardness so Jared wouldn’t be tipped off. I smiled at him as he turned to walk down the hall.

Over the next weeks, Ryan kept me busy going to the movies, meeting for lunch, and accompanying me to dinner. We spent time together every night, and shared a table at breakfast every morning. He even began to forgo plans with his friends. Soon, everyone was convinced that we were having a not-so-secret relationship.

It was uncomfortable for both of us at first, but after the first week we settled into our new roles. Ryan made a game of it, as he did everything else. We bet on how soon someone would ask us to announce our relationship, and who it would be.

Our friendship grew stronger as the days past, and I began depending on him for more than fooling Jared. Ryan anesthetized the pain, and it wasn’t long before I found myself making excuses to be around him.

The day finally came that I had bet that Kim would ask what our status was. I made a show of stretching my legs across Ryan’s lap.

“Cheater,” Ryan whispered, too low for anyone else to hear.

“Okay. Are you guys together or not?” Kim asked.

Ryan grinned at me and I lifted all five of my fingers, reminding him that he owed me fifty bucks. Ryan shook his head at my gloating and then scanned the table. Everyone waited eagerly for the answer.

“Obviously,” he said as he rubbed my leg.

A broad smile spread across Kim’s face. “I knew it.”

Beth and Chad exchanged glances. I didn’t have to ask what was wrong because I already knew; she thought I was making a huge mistake.

“Well, that explains why you’ve been bailing on us every weekend,” Josh said.

“Why don’t we all go out Friday?” Ryan shrugged.

I shot a surprised look at him and he smiled. Jared’s birthday was Sunday and the only present I could give him was to spend the weekend alone.

“I have plans with my mom this weekend,” I explained.

Ryan reached out to rub my shoulder. “But not until Saturday, right, Babe? We can go to the pub Friday.”

I held my breath to keep from lashing out at him. I couldn’t blow our cover by refusing to go to the pub or it would look suspicious. Even worse, I couldn’t tear into him later because Jared would hear.

“So are you going?” Beth asked.

“It looks that way,” I said, trying not to glare at Ryan.

Leaving the Ratty, I noticed something was different. I had held my breath and braced myself for Jared to be outside the door, but Jared wasn’t in his usual spot. He wasn’t waiting for me at all. My eyes filled with tears. I had finally hurt him enough to push him away.

“What’s wrong, Nigh?” Ryan asked, touching my back.

I couldn’t speak. Jared had finally given in. I had won…and I had lost.

“Nina,” Beth said, bringing me under her wing like a mother hen. “Let’s go home.”

“Do you want me to come?” Ryan called after us.

“I’ve got her,” Beth waved him off as we continued walking.

As soon as Beth closed the door, her expression was morphed from sympathetic to incensed.

“Okay, you are going to tell me what’s going on, and you’re going to tell me now…or so help me, I’m going to call Cynthia!”

While I contemplated whether I would lie or tell the truth, Beth stomped her foot.

“Nina!”

“I’m fine.”

Beth narrowed her eyes. “I know you’re fine. Everyone knows you’re fine. But you’re not fine! And what are you doing with Ryan? You look ridiculous!”

My head jerked to meet her glare, acutely aware of the microphone in the vent. “We’ve been friends for months, Beth. I care about him, and he cares about me. We’re just trying to see where it goes.”

“Liar,” she seethed, rolling her eyes. “You love Jared. I don’t know why he’s practically stalking you, or why you won’t talk to him when it was so obvious today that you miss him…but I know that you love him. And he loves you!” she said, the pitch of her voice rising with each point.

“You don’t know as much as you think you do,” I grumbled.

“Jared looks miserable, Nina. Don’t you care?”

I closed my eyes. “Can we please not talk about this?” I begged.

Beth sat beside me on my bed, her voice quiet. “You need to talk to someone.”

“The only person I can talk to about it is Jared, and I can’t talk to him.”

“Says who?” she asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“Me.”

She rolled her eyes. “Right. Because you’re saving him.”

I shook my head and looked at her. “Why are you pushing this? I thought you liked Ryan.”

“I do. But you belong with Jared. It’s your happiness that I’m worried about, and you’re not happy right now. You are the absolute opposite of happy,” she said, touching my arm.

“I’m doing the right thing,” I said, wiping the tears. “I am.”

“How can it be the right thing when you’re so sad?”

For me, the discussion was over. I walked across the room to pull a pair of pajamas from the drawer.

“Nina, no. You’re not going to sleep. You sleep all the time. You’ve got to find another way to cope. Or just quit coping…go to him.”

“Shut up, Beth.”

Beth’s attention was drawn to the knocking at our door. I walked over, pajamas in hand, and opened the door. Ryan’s hat was pulled low over his eyes so that all I could see was his perfect white smile and his deep dimple.

He thrust a small stack of papers at me and smiled. “I brought notes,” he said, pulling his hat up. “We have finals next week, you know.”

“Thanks,” I said, setting the papers on my desk.

“What are you up to this afternoon? You wanna go get some coffee?” he asked, his eyes fixating on the pajamas in my hand. “Oh, no. You’re not going to sleep.” With that, Ryan grabbed my pajamas from my hands and tossed them across the room.

“I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night,” I whined.

“You’re always tired. You need to get out in the sun. It’s a nice day. We could go hang out on the greens.”

I shook my head, trying to push away any memories that thought created.

Ryan’s eyes narrowed, and then his mouth broke into a smile. “That’s it. You and I are going downtown, waste time driving around, and then I’m taking you to dinner.”

“I don’t think….”

“And then we’re going to the pub and getting smashed. You’ve had that kind of day,” he said, still grinning.

Beth looked up at us from her book. “She’s had that kind of month. I’ll call Chad. We’ll meet you there.”

“It’s a date,” Ryan said, wiping the mascara from under my eyes with both thumbs. “I’ll be back in an hour. I want you dressed for a night out on the town.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Is that a demand?”

“Yes. I’m a demanding boyfriend and I demand that you have a fun-filled afternoon full of slogan games, boutiques, good food and liquor. I’ll even make you to get a manicure. Girls like that crap, right?”

“Oh! Can I go? I need a mani-pedi so bad!” Beth whined.

I shot her a dismayed look. “Are you serious?”

“I am so serious. Ryan and Chad can drop us off, go do boy things, and come back at dinner time. We can get polished and waxed and…I hate to say it, Nigh, but you need a makeover. I’m getting in the shower!” she said, grabbing her things.

“Be—,” I began, but she was already out the door. I glowered at Ryan. “I don’t feel like going out tonight.”

“Please?” he pleaded. He encircled me in his arms and swayed back and forth, pressing his cheek against mine. “One last hurrah before finals week? If you don’t have a good time, you can make me miserable for the rest of my life. Deal?” he asked, leaning me back until my hair touched the floor.

I had to smile. He was trying so hard to cheer me up. “Okay.”

A huge grin swept Ryan’s face and he righted us both. “I’ll pick you up in an hour. See you soon,” he said as he disappeared down the hall.

Fifty-six minutes later, the door was under attack by loud, incessant knocking. When Beth swung the door open, Chad and Ryan were still knocking on it with both fists.

“It’s open!” Beth shouted over the banging.

“Don’t you look awesome!” Chad said, kissing Beth sweetly on the cheek.

“Aw…you know I love it when you use the big words,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around him.

Ryan stared at me.

“What?” I asked, looking down at my little black dress. “Too much?”

“No! No…it’s just…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress. It’s nice.”

I shrugged. “I thought it’d make me feel better to dress up.”

“Did it?”

“I think so,” I smiled.

Ryan rolled down the windows of his black Toyota Tundra and cranked the radio to the first rock song he turned to. The boys sang along, but I still couldn’t understand the words. Beth and I giggled at the funny faces they made as they serenaded amused and sometimes bewildered pedestrians as we passed.

At the salon, Beth and I stepped out onto the sidewalk and waved as the Tundra disappeared around the corner.

“Those boys.” Beth shook her head before turning to me. “C’mon!” she said, yanking me inside.

I sunk into my seat as my hands and feet were brushed, scrubbed, filed, de-cuticled, polished and lotioned. Beth prattled on to the nail techs about our plans for the night, how wonderful her boyfriend was and her upcoming apartment hunt.

“You’re staying in Providence?” I asked, my eyebrows shooting upward.

She smiled. “Chad wants to get an apartment together. I didn’t want to say anything before… with everything going on.”

“You didn’t want to upset me.”

Beth bit her lip and nodded.

“You could have told me, Beth. I think it’s fantastic,” I said, grabbing her hand.

“You do?”

“You two are amazing together. You don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be fine,” I said, squeezing her hand.

“Yeah…you being fine is exactly what I’m worried about,” she grumbled.

Two hours later, Ryan’s Tundra honked from the curb. Ryan opened the door for us and then hopped back in, turning the music down.

“Did you have a good time, Babe?” he asked, kissing my cheek.

“Yeah, it was fun,” I answered.

“Well, you look gorgeous. I’m afraid to take you anywhere looking like that. I might have to fight somebody,” he said, winking.

“Quit it,” I smiled, rolling my eyes.

We arrived at the pub, and I could hear the music thumping from the street. I knew Kim had beaten us there, because it was her crazy music filtering through the door. When we walked in, our friends were already on the dance floor, arms up, bouncing around. Ryan grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the floor, twirling me around.

In that moment I was just like them. I was a normal college student, with my entire normal life ahead of me. I smiled, and it felt natural. I drank shots, toasted to the Big Brown Bear, and hugged my friends. It was bittersweet freedom.

The music slowed, and Ryan pulled me to him. We were both sticky from dancing, and I pulled the wet strands of my bangs away from my face.

Holding my hand up to the dim light, he smiled. “Those are some pretty nails you have there.”

“My boyfriend forced me to go to the spa today. He made me spend the afternoon with one of my girlfriends,” I teased.

“Really? He sounds like a great guy. If I were you, I’d hang on to him…sounds like a keeper.”

I watched his face for a moment and then rested my cheek on his shoulder. Ryan wrapped his arms tighter around me and pressed his face into my hair.

“It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” he whispered in my ear. “If we stopped pretending?”

I shut my eyes and remained silent.

We returned to the bar for another round of shots when I saw Kim heading outside, a cigarette already between her lips. I stumbled out behind her and raked my matted hair from my forehead as she flicked her lighter.

“Can I have one?” I asked, breathless and weaving.

“You want a cigarette?” she asked in disbelief.

I nodded and Kim shrugged, pulling a stubby white stick from the small box she was holding.

I put the cigarette between my lips flicked the lighter. Just as it sparked, Jared appeared in front of me with a disgusted look on his face.

“What are you doing?” He pulled the cigarette from my mouth, broke it in half, and threw it to the ground. “You don’t smoke.” He frowned in disapproval, and I shrunk back into Kim.

“You’re drunk, Ryan’s drunk, I’m taking you home,” he said in a father-like tone.

I turned to open the door to the pub, but Jared grabbed my wrist. “Then let me call you a cab,” his voice lost its authority and I winced at the pain in his voice.

Jared’s hand was the same warm blanket I remembered. After the number of drinks I’d had, I couldn’t hide my feelings. Jared’s eyes became animated in reaction.

He looked down to my hand and caressed my skin with his thumb. He had sensed the pensive feeling I’d had at his touch.

I pulled away. “You need to go.”

“I can’t let you go with him when he’s been drinking.”

“Ryan already—,” I began.

“Jared,” Ryan said, bursting out of the bar. He nodded once at Jared and then looked at me and smiled. “Hey, Babe,” he said, jerking me against him and planting his mouth on mine.

My eyes widened and then I clinched them shut, trying to cover the fact that I was taken off-guard. After a few seconds, he pulled away, looked into my eyes and then cupped my cheeks, kissing me again. I could tell by the way he held me that it was no longer for show. He had forgotten about our audience as he parted his lips, lightly touching his tongue to mine.

I pulled away and immediately watched for Jared’s reaction; his expression frightened me. I slowly moved to stand in front of Ryan.

“Jared.…” I warned.

Jared’s breathing was uneven, and his eyes were raging storms. “Move out of the way, Nina.”

“She’s made her choice, Jared. It’s time you found someone else to….”

Jared lunged forward and then jerked back, held by two small hands.

“It’s time to go,” Claire said as her brother froze under her touch.

“Hey, Claire!” Ryan smiled, unaware of how close he was to another trip to the hospital.

Claire glanced at him with an uncomfortable expression, keeping firm hands on her brother. She seemed surprised that Ryan had acknowledged her.

The cab slowed to a stop beside us and honked. I backed up against Ryan, turning to push him to safety. Jared walked toward me and for the first time I felt safer knowing Claire was near.

“Nina?” Ryan called from inside the cab.

Jared stood just a few inches from me. “Don’t go home with him,” he begged, his face compressing inward. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll stay away; you won’t even know I exist. Don’t do something we’ll all regret just to push me away.”

Ryan poked his head out of the open door. “Who says she hasn’t already?” he asked, gripping my inner thigh.

Jared didn’t get far when he charged Ryan for the second time. Claire had kept her grip on him.

I wanted to tell Jared the truth: that he was the only one I’d ever wanted in that way, and he would always be the only one. But I couldn’t. He had just told me he would move on, and I had to let him.

“Come on, Jared. She’s not worth it,” Claire said, tugging on him.

Jared puffed as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “She’s worth it. She’s worth this a thousand times,” his eyes glossed over then, and he finally tore his stare away from mine to follow his sister.

I slid in next to Ryan and he reached across me to shut the door. The cab ride seemed to take an eternity. I could hear Ryan chattering, but the look on Jared’s face had me spiraling into devastation so deep that it grew difficult for me to breathe. I rolled down the window and rested my head against the door, letting the icy wind burn my face.

“Hey? You okay?” Ryan asked.

I couldn’t answer. My heart was breaking; a real, physical pain radiated from my chest and throughout my entire body. Ryan put a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled me against him. I expected to feel the comfort I always felt with him, but it only made me feel worse.

When we pulled into Brown, Ryan reached up to pay the driver and then stumbled from the cab. He twirled me a few times as we walked to Andrews, and when we reached the door, he pulled me to him.

“Goodnight,” he said, kissing my cheek. His lips brushed against my skin as he tightened his grip around me and took a few steps, prompting a slow, silent dance in the middle of the sidewalk.

“I should go in,” I whispered.

Ryan’s lips grazed my cheek and skimmed across my mouth. He sighed as he made his way to my other cheek, and then kissed me again.

He took a few steps backward and grinned. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, turning to disappear into the darkness.

With each step to my room I tried to figure out where everything had gone so horribly wrong. I hadn’t set out to hurt anyone, yet every decision I made seemed to cause others pain. I pushed open the door and collapsed onto my bed.

Through the whiskey fog I searched my past, trying to remember the exact moment that I’d made a mistake, where I could have made a better choice. If I had chosen to stay with Jared, no matter how sure he was, his family would be in danger. My choice to end things had left both of us in agony that didn’t seem to be subsiding. Convincing Ryan to engage in a fake relationship with me had only accomplished Ryan having false hope, and if it were even possible, I hurt Jared worse than I already had.

Beth’s key rattled the door knob. She walked in to our dark room, throwing her purse onto the bedside table.

“Nina?” she whispered. “Are you awake?”

“I thought you went to Chad’s,” I said, turning to face her.

She sat on my bed and placed her hand gently on my leg. “I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” The liquor helped to keep my voice even.

Beth was aggravated with my calm demeanor. “We all saw what happened. Is Ryan insane?”

“He was just trying to make a point.”

Beth shot a disgusted glance at me. “What point would that be? That he has suicidal tendencies? Jared could have wadded him up like a piece of paper, and considering his state of mind…that was just really, really stupid.”

“I’m going to sleep. I have a lot to do tomorrow,” I said, settling against my pillow.

“Why are you so calm about this? I don’t understand you anymore, Nina. It doesn’t seem like you’re thinking clearly.”

I smiled, my eyes closed. “I’m not thinking clearly. I’ve had a lot to drink.”

Beth shook her head. “You’re not acting like yourself. It’s like you left the best part of you behind when you left Jared.”

“Thanks,” I snapped, turning my back to her.

“That’s not what I meant, I just meant….” Beth sighed and then left without saying goodbye.

Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of the rain pelting against the window. I peered out, seeing Jared’s Escalade just down the street. My chest ached, knowing how hard it must have been for him to be alone on his birthday. I fantasized about bringing him a present, or simply running out to hug him, but I could do neither. As soon as I shut the door behind me from returning from the shower, there was a knock at the door.

“Just a minute!” I called, rushing to throw some clothes on.

I opened the door to Ryan’s smiling face, his hair dripping wet. “I was wondering if you wanted to take a drive?”

“Your truck is at the pub, Ryan.”

He smiled, wiping away the water that ran down his forehead from his hairline. “Josh took me to get it earlier. You wanna go?”

I shook my head. “It’s pouring outside.”

“So…,” he stalled, shoving his hands in his pockets, “you wanna hang out here?”

I smiled apologetically. “I have a huge test tomorrow, first thing in the morning. I need to cram.”

Ryan shrugged again. “I can help you.”

“I have to do it by myself. You know how I am,” I said dismissively.

“Yeah, I just…,” he sighed, “I can’t quit thinking about that kiss.”

“Oh.”

Ryan walked past me into my room. “I know what you said. But…don’t you have any feelings for me at all? Can’t we stop pretending long enough to find out if I could make you happy? I could, you know…make you happy.”

Ryan’s mention of our arrangement caused me to glance up at the vent, but it didn’t matter. Jared saw right through me from the very beginning.

“You do make me happy. I just don’t have anything left to…,” I shook my head. “I can’t talk about this right now. I have to study,” I said, opening the door.

“Do you have plans for dinner?” he asked.

I hugged him. “No. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

It would be the beginning of the end for us. Jared had agreed to stay away, and Ryan knew that our time was limited. He nodded and left my room, disappointed.

Studying was nothing less than impossible, knowing Jared was outside. I peered out the rain-streaked window again to see that Jared hadn’t moved. The urge to go to him became unmanageable, so I grabbed my keys and set out to take a coffee break off campus.

I drove just a few blocks to the nearest coffee shop and went in, ordering my usual. I took my time, lingering in the booth, watching different faces come and go. Fantasies of surprising Jared with a gift kept creeping into my thoughts, and I finally resorted to returning to my dorm.

As soon as I walked outside, I noticed Jared in my peripheral. His shirt was wet from standing in the rain, and I held my breath as I passed him. The circles under his eyes were dark, and his face appeared paler than his natural golden tone.

My feet refused to take another step. No matter what I had said, I still loved him. I couldn’t make him feel like a ghost on his birthday. I closed my eyes, knowing I would go against everything I had worked for in the last six weeks. I was at a crossroad, and I was about to deliberately take the wrong turn.

I turned on my heels and walked straight up to him. Jared watched me with wary eyes, obviously unsure of what to expect.

Although I had made strangers of us over the last weeks, it felt right be close to him again. I felt no awkwardness or tension, and I could see beyond his cautious expression that he felt the same.

I took a deep breath. “Happy Birth—,”

Before I could finish, Jared grabbed my shoulders and pulled me against him into a deep kiss. My lips melted against the familiar heat of his mouth, and as I breathed in his amazing scent, I felt a bit lightheaded. When Jared realized I wouldn’t pull away, he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against him, shamelessly taking advantage of the moment. Minutes passed and I could hear the giggling of children and teenage girls as they walked by. When his lips finally left mine, he hugged me tightly and buried his face in my neck, taking in a deep breath through his nose. He caressed his cheek against mine for a few moments more, and then finally released me.

He scanned my face for some sort of reaction. I wasn’t sure what expression was on my face, but Jared looked cautiously pleased.

“Day,” I finished, breathlessly.

His eyes were a few shades lighter than I’d seen them in weeks. I waited for a moment, and allowed my lips to form a tiny smile before returning to my car.

“Nina?” Jared called.

I turned around and a tired smile touched his face. “That’s all I wanted today.”

My heart sank at his words, and I wished the world would leave us alone so I could stay with him. The memory of Harry Crenshaw pressing a gun to Bex’s temple flashed in my mind, and I stiffened.

“Goodbye, Jared.”