Providence

Chapter Seventeen Absolution

Finals week arrived. The little sleep I’d gotten before became nonexistent with the amount of studying and cramming I had to do. I studied with the group at the Rock every night, only to return to my room to read and memorize in solitude.

Ryan continued to pretend, walking me to lunch, to classes, and back and forth from my room. He was the perfect boyfriend; he opened doors, brought late night brain food, and he even rubbed my shoulders while quizzing me on study guides. A part of me wondered if he was trying so hard because he knew the end of the week meant the end of pretending, and he hoped I would change my mind.

Beth and Chad found an apartment, and some of her things were already packed in boxes. A sad air befell the room when we were both in it, surrounded by cardboard. The walls looked empty and clinical without her teddy bears and tiaras displayed on the walls and ribbons dripping from the shelves.

Thursday night, occasional cracks of thunder rattled the windows. The rain beat against the window in a heavy gust, and Beth sighed at her carefully highlighted textbook. I slammed my book shut and put a CD in the stereo, twisting the volume knob as high as it would go.

“What are you doing?” Beth yelled over the music.

I jumped up and down, holding my hands out to her. “It’s our last night as roomies, roomie! We’re sending you out in style!”

Beth giggled and stood up, grabbing my hands and shaking her hair to the beat as we bounced together. After a few songs, a loud banging resounded from the door. I shimmied over to open it, laughing when I saw Kim’s smiling face.

“Sounds like a party!” she yelled, holding up two six packs of cheap beer. “I come bearing gifts!”

“Woo!” Beth squealed. Her hair flapped about as she danced in her bare feet.

Before I’d finished my first can, another knock on the door revealed a rather wet and confused Ryan, who cringed at the volume of the stereo.

“What are you doing?” Ryan yelled. A wide grin stretched across his face as he watched us bounce.

“It’s our impromptu going away party for Beth!” I yelled back.

“Cool! I’ll make phone calls!” Ryan exclaimed, pulling out his cell phone.

Within twenty minutes, our room was shoulder to shoulder with our entire study group, plus a few girls from down the hall that had wandered in out of curiosity. Kim and Tucker were jumping on Beth’s bed, and the rest of us were dancing and laughing.

By midnight, everyone except Beth, Chad, and Ryan had cleared out to study. Beth grabbed her purse and hugged me.

“Thank you so much! I needed that. It’s been so sad around here!”

“You’re welcome. I’m going to miss you terribly,” I said, jutting out my bottom lip.

Beth squeezed me until it was hard to breathe. “I’m going to miss you, too. But we’ll still see each other, right?”

“Of course we will.” I smiled.

I waved goodbye to her and Chad, and then sat on my bed, exhausted. As usual, any normal, content feelings I had left with the moment.

Ryan turned to see the look on my face. “What is it, Babe?”

I smiled. “No one’s here, Ryan. You don’t have to call me that.”

“I don’t do it for other people,” he said, an amused grin spanning his face.

“Ryan…,” I began. Knocking at the door provided a perfect excuse to postpone the inevitable. “Beth must have forgotten her keys.” I opened the door and gasped.

She wouldn’t have come unless something was horribly wrong. The adrenaline exploded through my bloodstream as I braced myself for what she might say.

“I need to talk to you,” she said.

“What are you doing here, Claire? Is it Jared?” I asked.

She looked at Ryan and then back at me, and for the first time she didn’t have a murderous expression on her face. “Alone.”

“I’m not leaving,” Ryan said, standing in front of me.

She rolled her eyes. “If I wanted to hurt her, Ryan, you standing there with your hands in your pockets wouldn’t do much in the way of a deterrent,” she said, looking back to me. “It’s important, Nina.”

I could feel my heart thudding against my chest wall. “What? He’s okay, right?”

“He’s at home. He finally agreed to get some sleep.”

“Oh.” The numbness came like second nature, and automatically an emotional wall surrounded me.

Claire frowned at my generic answer. “Oh? I can’t stand to see him like this anymore, and you’re the only one that can fix it. He’s been a mess since his birthday. He’s been a mess for weeks, but he’s been really bad since Sunday.” She looked to the floor, clearly disturbed by whatever image was in her head. “I think it’s finally hit him that you’re not going to change your mind.”

I found my focus again, grateful to Claire for the reminder. “He’s right.”

Claire looked at Ryan and then at me in disgust. “You two aren’t fooling anyone. Jared knows exactly what’s going on. It was a stupid idea, Nina. You’re putting him through hell for nothing. I could understand if you didn’t feel the same, but I know you do.”

I shook my head, the consequences to his family coming to the forefront of my mind. “I can’t.”

Claire’s face twisted into a heartbreaking expression, and I was taken aback when I saw her eyes gloss over.

“I’ve never seen him like this, Nina. Not even when Dad died. I was hoping he would snap out of it, that after awhile he would get over it, but he hasn’t. He won’t sleep, he can’t eat, he’s forced to watch you ignore him every day…it’s torture,” she said, stubbornly wiping a rogue tear from her cheek.

“Stop it. I don’t want to hear anymore,” I said, closing my eyes.

Claire blinked the tears away and glared at me. “Well, that’s too bad. He has to live it, the least you can do is listen to it,” she said, pulling my arm toward her. Ryan took his hand out of his pockets and moved toward Claire. She pressed one hand against his chest and effortlessly pushed him against the door, holding him there. Ryan leaned forward, but he was helpless against her angel’s strength.

“Don’t hurt her,” Ryan said, glowering at Claire.

Claire took her eyes from me and glanced at Ryan, taking her hand from his chest. “I’m not going to hurt her. Stay out of it, Ryan.”

Ryan stood in place against the door and looked at me. “Nina?”

“It’s okay,” I assured him. “You have to go, Claire. Please, just go.”

“He’s broken, Nina,” she pleaded. “Don’t you see it? Don’t you care? The pain he’s going through is enough, but he has to feel your pain, too. Can you imagine the pain you feel missing him, being without him, wanting him…doubled? He kept saying that you just needed space…that you would come around, but after Sunday, after you told him goodbye…it broke him.”

My resolve waivered, but I fought my weakness for Jared, knowing I was at another crossroad. I had to make the right decision.

She took a deep breath. “I know you think you’re atoning for Jack’s sins. But what you’re doing, Nina? It’s killing Jared. Nothing can be worse than watching him die a little more every day.”

I closed my eyes and the tears finally overflowed.

Claire looked down at her hands, her next words not coming easily. “It’s not your fault we lost our father, Nina.”

I pursed my lips and then sucked in a deep breath. “I couldn’t look him in the eye if it happened again.”

“Keeping my family safe isn’t your job. It’s Jared’s, and it’s mine. And I’m very, very good at my job. You can’t keep making him suffer because you’re afraid to repeat Jack’s mistakes.” Her eyebrows pulled in. “It’s not a good enough reason to break his heart.”

Ryan watched both of us, confused by the exchange.

“Time will make it easier,” I whispered.

“Time will make it worse!” she snapped, disgusted at my suggestion. “You’re his Taleh, Nina…the other half of his soul. He’s never going to get over you. And no matter how much you hope that you will…you’ll never get over him. You’re going to wake up one day and realize what you’ve done, and you’re going to regret the time you wasted apart from him for the rest of your life.” A tear careened down her perfect cherubic cheek and she left it there, too intent on convincing me to save her brother.

I felt my face crumple. I knew she was right.

Ryan’s hand lightly touched my back. I looked at him, and although his eyes were full of hurt, he smiled.

“Go,” he said.

I smiled at him and began to speak, but he simply shook his head, hugged me tightly, and walked out the door.

I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath.

“You’re coming with me?” she asked.

I nodded, and for the first time I saw Claire’s face light up. She threw her arms around me, hugging me a little too tight.

“Come on!” She pulled me by the hand down the hall, unable to contain her triumphant smile. I had to jog keep up with her.

I squinted, recoiling from the remnant rain of the departing thunderstorm. The Lotus chirped when she clicked the keyless entry, and I slid in beside her, wiping the water from my arms.

“What about Ryan?” I asked.

“Bex is home,” Claire smiled. She slammed the gear shift into place and we peeled away from the curb, the engine growling as she soared toward Jared’s loft.

We didn’t speak; I fumbled with my ring and tried to imagine Jared’s reaction when I showed up unannounced.

Claire pulled beside the curb behind the Escalade. I took a deep breath and opened my door with shaking fingers.

Jared was already standing in front of the loft under the light of a street lamp, looking exhausted and confused. He tore his eyes away from mine for just a moment to look at Claire, who stood with her door open on the other side of the car.

“Is she okay?” he asked Claire.

Claire only offered a smug smile.

He looked back at me with concern. “Did Claire force you to come here?” he asked, wary.

I shook my head, afraid to speak. His wasn’t the reaction I expected.

“I don’t understand,” he said, his eyes darting back and forth between me and Claire. “What are you doing here? Did something happen?”

Claire smiled. “Don’t make her beg, Jared. Just take her back.” And with that she ducked into her car and pulled away.

Jared’s face darted back to mine. “W…What?”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

Jared stared at me, his light blue t-shirt transparent from the rain.

I realized that Claire had a point to what she’d said to her brother. “I’ll beg,” I nodded, taking a step toward him. “I don’t deserve forgiveness, I know, but I was hoping….” I sighed and shook my head. Nothing I could say would be enough.

“You came here to beg me back?” Jared asked, bewildered.

“Or humiliate myself by babbling incoherent nonsense in the rain….” I laughed nervously. Thunder rolled in the distance and I pulled my arms around me, chilled by wet clothes.

Jared took a few steps toward me and stopped. He watched me for a moment, though I wasn’t sure what he was searching for.

“This was a bad idea. I should have called.” I fidgeted, feeling more embarrassed by the second.

“You came here to apologize?” Jared asked again, taking a few more steps.

The humiliation boiled the blood under my cheeks. “I made a mistake. A huge, horrible mistake and I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”

He stared at me in disbelief and I shifted nervously, worrying that I had hurt him beyond forgiveness.

I took another step. “You were right. I was afraid they would hurt your family trying to get to me. But to save them, I hurt you. I don’t expect you to trust me again, but I am so, so sorry. I love you, Jared, and if I’ve learned anything over the past weeks, it’s that no matter what happens…I’ll love you the rest of my life.”

Jared watched me prattle on with an indiscernible expression on his face.

I bit my lip; the suspense of his answer was insufferable. “Please say something.”

Jared took a few more steps until he was only inches from me. The rain dripped off his chin and nose as he looked down at me. “I’m going to kiss you, now,” he said, cupping my cheeks in his hands as if he was holding his most precious possession. “And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.”

He didn’t waste a second longer. He pressed his lips against mine, and I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. My feet left the ground and the rain disappeared as Jared whisked me into the loft and up the stairs, his feet barely touching the steps.

In seconds his mattress was beneath me. Caution was non-existent; Jared’s mouth begged mine to open as his lips worked impatiently against mine. My lips parted as my knees did, and Jared reached back to lift his shirt over his head.

His lips found their way to my waist, and his kisses ran up the midline of my stomach as he pushed my tank top up and over my head. His breathing grew uneven as he hovered above me, watching me slowly pull the straps of my bra from my shoulders. I arched my back to unsnap the clasps behind me and he tenderly kissed my lips as he pulled the straps from my arms and tossed the lacey fabric to the floor.

He clenched the hem of my skirt and panties, pulling them down until they were lost somewhere in the mangled sheets. I sighed as he pressed his bare chest against mine, kissing my neck while I reached down to pull his belt from the loops. Jared moaned as I ripped open the top button of his jeans and shoved them down over his hips. He used his feet to push them passed his ankles, and I heard them drop to the floor at the end of the bed.

Jared paused to look into my eyes for a long moment, and his fingers glided down my face and neck.

“I guess no one is going to interrupt tonight,” I said.

The corners of his mouth turned up and he slowly shook his head.

The grin faded to a serious, focused expression and he leaned down to kiss my lips. Jared took a deep breath in through his nose and his body tensed. I clinched my eyes shut, and involuntarily turned my head away, feeling pain and pleasure at the same time.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, breathless.

I nodded; we were finally close enough. My hands slid down his neck to his shoulders and I dug my fingers into his flesh at the intense pleasure searing through my body. A quiet groan escaped his lips as he tensed again.

His tongue tasted the inside of my mouth. My senses were overwhelmed to the point where I couldn’t think straight, so I couldn’t imagine what he must have felt. The hours passed as minutes, and the minutes as hours. I had no concept of time; I had no need for it. That moment was all I’d ever wanted, and I never wanted it to end.

I awoke on my stomach, sprawled across Jared’s bed with nothing on but the sheets tangled around my waist. I peeked over at Jared, who was on his side, watching me with a sweet expression.

“Good morning,” he crooned.

“Did you get any sleep? I asked.

Jared chuckled. “Five hours. The longest I’ve slept since I was a kid.”

I smiled and leaned over to kiss his lips. My body felt stiff and relaxed at the same time, and my muscles ached in a wonderful way.

He touched my face. “You were sleeping so soundly I didn’t want to wake you, but your last final is in ninety minutes.”

“Oh!” I scrambled off the bed with Jared’s sheet twisted around me and I held it to my chest as I shuffled to the bathroom. I stopped in my tracks, flipped around and returned to the bed, planting a ridiculously long kiss on his lips.

“I love you!” I called back as I ran to the bathroom to get in the shower.

Everything felt different; the water, the soap, my skin. I couldn’t stop smiling as I recalled the events of the night before. My fingers were starting to prune when I heard a soft knock on the door.

“Better get a move on, sweetheart.”

I shut off the water and rushed through my morning routine.

“Claire brought my clothes this morning?” I guessed, trotting down the stairs.

Jared smiled, standing by the door with my coffee. “She dropped them off at the door.”

I kissed his lips as I passed, and he followed me to the Escalade.

I made it to my desk just as the professor began passing out tests. It was difficult to concentrate; my mind wandered to Jared’s lips — and other parts of his body — and the fact that we had the entire summer to make up for lost time.

I was the last person to finish, and when I handed in my paper, the professor added it to the thick pile, nodding politely.

“Enjoy your summer, Miss Grey.”

“Oh, I will,” I said, smiling when I saw Jared standing in the doorway.

When we pulled to the curb in front of the loft, he turned off the key and sat in his seat, keeping my hand in his.

“I feel like I should apologize to you for last night,” he said, kissing my fingers.

“Why?” I asked.

Jared shifted in his seat. “It wasn’t exactly planned. I feel like I ambushed you.”

“That’s the kind of ambush I don’t mind,” I smiled, leaning over to kiss him. “I’ve never wanted anything more.”

Jared cautiously smiled. “You’re okay, then?”

“I’m better than okay. I’m looking forward to the next ambush, actually.” I leaned over to kiss his neck, making my way to his ear.

Jared chuckled. “We might not leave the loft for the rest of the summer with you behaving like that.”

“That wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” I whispered, grazing my tongue along the edge of his ear.

“And when do you plan on getting your things from Andrews? Your mother is expecting you to move back home this weekend. I have quite a bit of work to do, taking down the tech from your room, the hall….” he trailed off, distracted by my mouth on his ear.

I pulled back and stared at him for a moment. Before I could verbalize the ingenious idea that popped into my head, a broad smile spread across my face.

“What?” he asked, smiling as well.

“Since we’re moving my things…why don’t we just bring them here?” I said, searching his eyes for a reaction.

Jared’s eyebrows shot up in shock. “You want to move into the loft?”

I shrugged, unsure what his reaction meant. I wasn’t exactly confident that the offer was still open. “If it’s okay.”

“If it’s okay? Do you know how happy you just made me?” he said, scanning my face with unconditional devotion in his eyes.

“So that’s a yes?”

Jared laughed out loud, shook his head, and then kissed me enthusiastically. “That is a definite, without a doubt, absolutely yes.”

I giggled with excitement as Jared pulled me over to his lap, kissing me with every bit the joy that I felt. In the course of just twelve hours, the last six weeks dissolved as if they’d never happened. Before the nightmare had ended, we’d gotten our miracle. It had turned out that it was up to us all along.

We spent the rest of the weekend moving boxes and small pieces of furniture. Jared insisted on doing most of the lifting, and I hummed along with the stereo as I unpacked my things. We seemed to only get a few boxes unpacked at a time before we were celebrating my homecoming upstairs, only to come downstairs, unpack a few boxes and start the process over again.

After a heated weekend inside, Jared decided that we should get some fresh air. Monday morning I walked outside to perfect weather. The air smelled of freshly cut grass and sunshine. I lifted my head towards the cloudless sky, closing my eyes and smiling as the sun filtered through my eyelids.

Jared climbed onto his Vulcan and smiled. “Lillian wanted me to ask you to dinner. Before you say anything,” he hedged, seeing my shocked expression, “she suggested we meet in a restaurant. She doesn’t want you to feel obligated, but she would like to see you again. She misses you.”

I sighed. “How can she miss me? I assumed the undeserved partial treatment would end after she heard what happened.”

Jared tucked my hair affectionately behind my ear. “She knows what you’re going through, and you’re the only one that knows what she went through. You have a lot in common.”

“We don’t have to go to a restaurant. She can come to our place or we can go over there. I’m not afraid.”

Jared’s eyes poured over my face, wearing a perfectly content expression.

I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

His eyes turned soft. “Our place.”

He started the engine and I slipped on my sunglasses, climbing on behind him. The summer air whipped around us as Jared flew down the streets, and I pressed my cheek against his back, feeling happier than I ever had.

We came to a stoplight and Jared rested his hand on my knee. “We can get the rest of your things from Cynthia’s in the morning. And if you want to get some paint, we can do that, too,” he said, trying too hard to sound casual.

I peered around to see his face. “And why do we need paint?”

Jared shrugged. “The loft doesn’t exactly scream cohabitation. If you want to make it your own, we can get you what you need.”

“Aw!” I lilted, making Jared cringe and shake his head.

I tightened my grip and then rested my forehead on his back. He stiffened and I raised my head to see what had caused him to tense. Samuel stood in front of us, massive and dark as night. His arms were crossed over his chest, making him seem even more ominous. I cowered behind Jared, my heartbeat instantly pounding in my chest.

“Hello, Nina,” Samuel spoke. His expression seemed to soften but his features were so severe it wasn’t as comforting as he might have meant for it to be.

“You must have news,” Jared said.

“I do,” Samuel said, breaking his stare from me. “Shax has received information that Jack had the book secured in a bank that you and Nina alone have access to.”

“This is bad,” Jared said in a low, portentous tone.

“They also know that Nina’s ring has a code embedded in it that they need. There is talk, Jared. They’ll be coming for her soon.”

Jared sat for a moment, lost in thought. His head jerked up to look at Samuel. “Not if we give it to them.”

“Jared!” I cried.

He turned to me and touched my face. “Nina, I don’t know why Jack has the book. But it’s not worth your life.”

“You’re assuming Shax will stop once he has the book,” Samuel said, his voice matching his frightening features.

“How did they come into this knowledge?” Jared growled.

“How else?” Samuel narrowed his eyes. “Humans.”

I began to ask Samuel what he meant, but just as before, the space he occupied lost any memory of him.

Jared revved the engine and flew to the loft. He dismounted and pulled me off the seat, barely letting my feet touch the ground before ushering me up the stairs.

He kicked the door shut and held my shoulders. “I’m going to figure this out, Nina. No one’s in danger. I’m going to end this, okay?” His words were so fast they blurred together, and his eyes were stormy and tense.

“Okay,” I said, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his lips.

He watched me warily when I pulled away. “Okay?” he asked.

I touched his face lightly with my fingertips. “I couldn’t stay away from you even when I thought I had to. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Jared’s eyes turned soft, and he lifted my hand with his ring still in place. “And you keep your promises.”