Providence

Chapter Eight Purgatory

I searched under the desks, running my fingers along each of the twisted wires underneath. Jared would listen to me whether he liked it or not, and in my determination, I left nothing to chance. I meticulously inspected the edges of the mirror, the back of the microwave, the mini-fridge, under both beds and under the dorm’s standard-issue cord phone.

An hour had passed, and I found nothing. Jared was a professional. Of course I wouldn’t find the mic he’d planted. I tried to recall any spy movies I’d watched when revelation hit. My eyes slowly followed the wall up to the ceiling, and focused on a rectangular vent in the center.

I rolled Beth’s desk chair directly underneath. There were two screws, and I had no tools. I rushed to the residential advisor’s room and tried to catch my breath while rapping on the door. She opened it with a bored look on her face.

“Yeah?”

“Hey, Dara. Listen, I’m having some trouble with the vent in my room….”

“I’ll call maintenance in the morning,” she deadpanned, closing the door.

I pushed it open. “I was wondering if you had a screwdriver. One of those cross-ones that I could use?”

“A Phillips?” she asked, bored with the conversation.

My eyes lit up. “Yes! Do you have one?”

“What size do you need?” she asked, turning her back to me.

“I…don’t know.” I peered up at her vent, and she did the same.

“You need a small one, here.” She handed me a tiny screwdriver, and I thanked her before rushing back to my room.

The screwdriver was smaller than I needed, so I had to press on one side to get the screw to rotate at all. Once the first screw became loose enough to use my thumb and finger to make more progress, it didn’t take long for it to drop into my hand. I began working on the other screw, and after two laborious turns my right hand slipped. Trying to catch myself, my palm grated against the edge of the vent, and the ragged edge of metal sliced through my skin.

I pulled my hand back with a gasp, watching the blood ooze from the cut and drip down my forearm toward my elbow in a thick, red line.

“Ow! Sssshhhhoooot!” I cried, bending at the waist.

I climbed down to grab a wad of tissue and held it tightly in my hand, unwilling to give up.

Tissues in hand, I tried to fit the screwdriver into the tiny slot at the best angle possible for traction. When I pressed against the side of the screw, I leaned into the movement and the wheels of the chair shifted. Before I could right myself, the chair jerked from under me and I tumbled down, smacking my elbow on the floor.

It took a moment for the pain to register, and once the sharp stabbing sensation shot up my arm, I closed my eyes. “Ow,” I whimpered. Once I could think about something other than the pain, I hobbled back onto the chair.

Tugging the vent loose, I inched up on my tip toes to peer inside. My heart skipped a beat when I saw a tiny black object nestled in the decades of dust. I reached inside the vent and pinched the small piece of plastic, tugging on it once before it gave way. I pulled it toward me and brought it into view; Jared’s miniature microphone.

Overwhelmed by the undeniable truth I held in my hand, I pulled the mic down with me as I slumped to the chair. Jared could hear me and was aware of what I had done. Coupled with the pain in my arm, the fact that he was just on the other side of this device made my eyes well over with tears.

“Jared?” I breathed, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I know you can hear me.” I sighed, closing my eyes. “I don’t know what she said to you. I don’t care, I just…,” I trailed off as my voice broke, “I miss you,” I whispered. “What are you doing? All that talk about growing old together and being honest? And now you’re going to listen to her and walk away?

“Will you please just….” I struggled to form the words. “Will you please just talk to me? Please?”

I watched my cell phone, praying, willing it to light up and ring. An eternity passed, but it lay on my nightstand, still and dark.

I wiped the moisture from my eyes, looking up at the wire spiraling down from the ceiling. Anger surged through my veins and I stood up, yanking on the wire over and over until it finally ripped from its source. I noticed the frayed edge of the end of the wire and wiped my face once more, satisfied. It wasn’t fair that he could hear me when I was alone.

A buzzing noise came from the night table and I stiffened. It buzzed again and I threw the wire down, nearly tripping over it to reach the phone before I missed the call.

“Jared?” I breathed.

“It’s uh…it’s Ryan. Sorry.”

“No! Don’t be sorry,” I sniffed.

“Are you okay? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

“Was there a reason you called?” I wasn’t in the mood to discuss my latest moment of insanity.

“Yes,” he hesitated, “I’m being released in the morning.”

“Oh. Oh yeah, okay. I’ll come in the morning, then. Did you let everyone else know or should I call them?” I asked, hoping he would catch the meaning.

“I just started making the calls.”

He’d called me first. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“Nina?”

“Mmmhmm?” I said, distracted by the wire curled and arched beside my bed.

“Tell me why you’re upset. Is it Jared?” My silence was all the answer he needed. “I could kill him for doing this to you,” he growled.

“It’s not his fault, Ryan. I’ve told you, it’s complicated.”

Ryan sighed, accepting my vague reply. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Friday was easier than I thought it would be, with the six of us choreographing Ryan’s on-the-fly homecoming party. We caravanned to the hospital; balloons and shoe polish decorated our cars. The windows of Josh’s truck vibrated to the beat of “Paradise City” as Tucker wheeled Ryan out of the double doors of the hospital. We all whistled and clapped as Ryan lumbered into Josh’s passenger side.

“C’mon, Nina,” Ryan smiled, gesturing for me to accompany him. When I scooted in next to him, Ryan weakly lifted his arm to the top of the seat behind me. We giggled and joked all the way to Brown, and the seven of us made our way to Ryan’s room.

“It looks like a parade threw up in here,” Ryan said, beaming. He hobbled over to his desk chair and fell into it, visibly spent.

We sat and talked, and then Beth, Chad and Tucker left for class. Thirty minutes later, Kim and Josh had classes of their own to go to.

“What did you do to your hand?” Ryan asked, staring at my messily bandaged palm.

“I sliced it on the air vent in my room,” I shrugged.

“Ouch. Are you all caught up on your tetanus shots?”

I nodded. “I’ll come by later, okay? We have a lot of work to do.”

“You have class?” he asked, disappointed.

“I’ve had class for the last two hours, Ryan,” I grinned.

“Thanks for today. Maybe we could do this every month.”

“Okay, but I’m not volunteering to get stabbed next time. Or ever.” I hugged him and an awkward pause followed when I pulled away. “You take it easy. I’ll come over later and we can study.”

Ryan watched me with a soft expression as I walked to the door. “See you later, Nigh.”

I pulled his door closed and let out a gust of air. I couldn’t be sure if it was guilt or the look in Ryan’s eyes after I’d hugged him, but everything felt different when we were alone. I forgot about angels and demons and feeling unwanted. In Ryan’s presence, life was normal.

Soon after class began, my thoughts zeroed in on Jared. I clenched my eyes shut when I thought about the night before. I had probably relieved him of any regret he might have felt after my antics. The professor’s voice blurred into the background, and I took shallow breaths to keep the tears from forming; it was embarrassing enough that everyone peered over their shoulders at me every day as if I’d gone crazy, the last thing I needed was to break down in class.

In the solitude of my room, I let the tears flow. I was glad that Jared couldn’t hear me. I had become a blubbering, pathetic mess. My eyes drifted to the vent to see that the cover was securely fastened to the ceiling. My eyebrows pressed inward. I was too exhausted the night before to replace it.

Scrambling to the floor, I lifted my comforter to peer under the bed where I had hidden the frayed carcass of the wire. I gritted my teeth seeing that the only thing under my bed was a lone sock surrounded by a herd of dust bunnies.

Jared or Claire had come into my room while I was gone and replaced the mic. I looked to the ceiling, balling my hands into fists at my sides. “Stay out of my room!”

The screwdriver was missing from the top drawer of my dresser as well. I had left it there for safe keeping until I could replace the vent cover. I burst into the hallway, letting the door crack against the wall. Anger fueled my march to the RA’s room and I pounded on her door.

She opened it with the same impassive look on her face as before. “Yeah?”

I sighed. “Dara! Oh good, you’re here. Um, I seemed to have lost your screwdriver. Do you think I could borrow another one? And, I need a bigger one this time.”

“You lost one of my screwdrivers and you want to borrow another one?”

“Yes,” I said, more of a question than an answer.

“Hold on,” she sighed, leaving for a moment. She returned with a larger screwdriver in hand.

Running back to my room, I pushed Beth’s chair under the vent. The new screwdriver was a better fit, and I had the screws out in record time. I reached up again and stood on my tip toes, finding the familiar small plastic object without effort. An exact replica of the first mic came down in the first tug.

I climbed down and pulled on the wire until it quivered with tension. With one swift yank, the wire dislodged from the vent and dropped to the floor. A strange sense of accomplishment came over me; I had perfected the art of ripping out surveillance wires.

With a smug smile, I looped the thin, mangled wire into a tight circle. “I’m not a zoo animal,” I whispered.

The door pulsed as someone banged on it from the other side. I twisted the knob, hoping for a scolding from Jared, but instead I found Claire standing in front of me with a murderous expression.

A lump lodged in my throat as she shouldered past me. In one lithe movement, she climbed onto Beth’s chair and reached up into the duct. It took her longer to get the new wire installed than it had taken me to rip the old one out, but she replaced the vent quicker than I had removed it.

She walked to the door and stopped to look at the wire in my hands. Her hand blurred as she snatched it from me.

“If you do it again,” she eyed the vent and then whispered in my ear, “I’ll rip out your tongue.”

My tongue curled up inside my mouth as I tried to swallow. Claire leaned back to offer a disturbing sweet smile, and then left. I shut my door behind her and locked it, wrapping my arms around my middle. She terrified me.

The thought of Jared hearing my every movement made tears trickle from my eyes and down my cheeks. “I can’t do this,” I whispered. The sudden need to distance myself from that microphone became urgent, and I grabbed my coat and keys. If I was going to have any type of normalcy again, I would have to convince Cynthia.

“Mom?” I called, walking into the dining room.

“In the kitchen, Dear,” Cynthia called.

I watched her expression change to concern when she saw my puffy, wet eyes.

“What happened to your hand, Nina?” she said, noticing the make-shift wrap around my palm.

“I want you to talk to Jared, Mother.”

Her concern vanished and she returned to preparing her lunch. “I’m sorry, Nina. I can’t do that.”

“Then let me have my privacy.”

Cynthia seemed a bit uncomfortable with the topic, but she was never one to be intimidated. “That is between Jared and your father.”

“Daddy’s not here.”

She ignored me. “Jared and I talked for a very long time. If it helps, he argued with me at first. He was quite determined. But when I reminded him how hard it is for his mother, and how hard it will be for you, he couldn’t deny doing what is best for you. This is the easy part. You can’t begin to imagine how hard your life will be if you continue this ridiculous—”

“You have to try. You owe it to me to try,” I begged.

She clicked her tongue. “He won’t listen to me now, Nina. There are some things that you just can’t take back. Once you’ve made your case, you can’t argue the other side.”

“Mother….” I pursed my lips, but it was no use. The tears fell from my eyes.

“I warned him that if he continued a relationship with you, I would be forced to fire him.”

“You what?”

“Carrying on a relationship with him could get in the way of—”

“You know he’s the only one that can keep me safe! You’re willing to risk my life to prove a point?”

“Of course not! Your father insisted that Jared stay away from you, Nina. You’re just going to have to forget him!”

“Mother, I love him!”

Cynthia’s eyes widened at my words. After a short pause, she shook her head dismissively. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

I could barely form a whisper. “Look at me.” I let my shoulders hang in defeat. “Does this look like just a crush to you? I’m in love with him.”

“Then stop. This is not what your father wanted for you. Did Jared tell you that? That he was forbidden to get involved with you? I won’t help you go against your father’s wishes.”

“That had nothing to do with me or with Jared, Mother! Daddy didn’t want me to know the truth about him!”

“Nina,” she breathed, “you don’t believe that.”

I could see my efforts were in vain; Cynthia wouldn’t help me. I escaped her apathetic eyes and fled to my Beemer. The rain poured relentlessly, and I was soaked by the time I entered the car. I sped down the street, the tires creating a wake behind them.

The farther I drove, the less I wanted to return to my dorm. Walking into Andrews would be admitting defeat. Worse, something deep inside of me knew that the second I stepped inside my room, I would begin a life without Jared.

When the street lights began to flicker, the rain tapped against my windshield in tiny crystals. Some of the roads had been blocked off by the flooding, and I was soon corralled onto a dead end road. Through the gush of windblown rain, a bridge came into view just ahead of my car, arching high into the night sky.

I turned off my car and sat, mulling over the last week. My feeble attempt to gain any control over the situation had ended dismally. I hadn’t truly considered giving up until that very moment.

I pulled my hat and gloves off and threw them on the seat beside me, deciding that the only option I truly had was to leave. But Jared would follow, he would have to, and I would take him away from his sister, his brother, and Lillian. I gripped the steering wheel as the realization sunk in; I was trapped.

One of my gloves fell to the floorboard, drawing my attention to my purse. Barely peeking out, the sharp end of Jack’s letter opener glinted under the light of a lone street lamp. Without another thought, I grabbed it from my purse and shoved my way out of the car. The rain immediately blasted against me, but I planted my feet on the ground, determined to get Jared’s attention this time. I grabbed the handle of the letter opener as tightly as my freezing hands could manage and held it above me.

“He’ll come,” I whispered.

With a loud cry, I shoved the golden spear into my back tire. It pierced the thick rubber, but not deep enough to do any damage. I used my foot to shove it in the rest of the way, and to my relief it made a loud hissing sound.

Icy rain soaked every inch of me, and my body began to tremble as the biting wind blew against my skin. After a few minutes, I shed my coat and threw it into the seat. My body shook uncontrollably as rain pelted against me.

I waited.

When my sweater was soaked through, I yanked it over my head and threw it on top of my coat. Down to a long-sleeved cotton shirt, the rain felt like ice splinters driving into my bones. My teeth were chattering with such force that I opened my mouth to keep them from breaking. A puff of air escaped my mouth as a wind gust sent stinging rain tearing into my skin.

Still, I waited.

Just when I thought I would collapse, a pair of headlights broke through the curtain of rain and came to an abrupt stop behind my car.

“Nina! What the hell are you doing?” Jared yelled over the rain. He took off his coat and stepped toward me, but I backed away. “Do you know what hypothermia is? You’re going to freeze to death!” he said, shoving his coat toward me.

“I l-l-love you,” I said as my entire body shuddered.

“I heard,” Jared said, pressing his eyebrows together. “Let me take you home.” He held out his coat again, but I took another step back.

“Y-you l-listened t-t-to her!”

“I didn’t listen to her! If she fired me it would make it harder for me to protect you. Keeping you safe is my first priority. Now, please get in the car!”

“H-How would it make it h-h-harder if you’re with me?”

“We can talk about this when you’re out of the rain!”

I took another step back.

“Cynthia controls our funding!” Jared said in a desperate tone. “She funds our surveillance, our weapons…everything. I could still protect you, but not as well. I couldn’t risk it!”

“So you’re j-just going to leave me, we’re g-going b-back to the way things were so you c-can buy more microphones and b-bullets?”

Jared sighed. “That’s not what I meant. You’re too important not to use the best means available, Nina. I thought if I figured out a way for us…I was trying to figure something out.”

“You’re j-just s-saying that to g-g-get me to go back there!”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Jared said. He lifted his coat and I took another step back. His jaws tensed. “I made a mistake! I didn’t want to hurt you! I just needed some time to fix the mess I’ve made!”

I tried to turn the corners of my mouth up into somewhat of a smile. “I th-thought you didn’t make m-mistakes.”

With a desperate expression, Jared took a step toward me, groaning when I took another step back. “Don’t make me do this, Nina. Don’t make me force you. Please get in the car!”

“I’m not going b-back there,” I sputtered.

The rain poured down Jared’s face and streamed from his chin. “I wasn’t going to take you…,” he sighed, “I want you home with me!”

I watched him for a moment, trying to read his eyes.

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” he said, reaching for me. “I want to take you home.”

I sucked in a breath and nodded. Jared wasted no time wrapping me in his coat, but it was already soaked through. He lifted me into his arms and in the next second I was in his car.

Jumping behind the wheel, Jared cranked up the heater and then rubbed my arms with both hands. “Jesus, Nina, your lips are blue.”

He raced down streets that seemed more like rivers. I had just closed my eyes when he pulled to the curb in front of the loft.

“Stay awake, Nina. Don’t go to sleep.”

Jared took the steps three at a time, unlocked his door and skipped more steps to the loft. He held me in one arm while he turned on the shower, and the steam immediately filled the room.

He lifted my stiff body into the shower and held me against him. I cried out as the water burned my icy skin. After a while, the quivering turned less violent. Once I was able to stand alone, Jared adjusted the temperature to a hotter setting.

I looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Jared grimaced, his eyes glowing steel blue. “Let’s just get your temp up.”

He pulled the gauze from my hand and inspected my wound, wincing before glaring down at me. I watched as he gently scrubbed the festering cut with a washcloth.

“You should have gotten stitches for this,” he grumbled. His jaw tensed as he rinsed the soap away.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, worried that it was resentment in his eyes instead of concern.

“Everything, Nina. I leave you alone for a week and you’ve got a deep, infected cut in your hand, you nearly broke your arm when you fell off the chair, and you almost froze to death…or drowned, I’m not sure what would have happened first.”

“I know. You have every right to be mad.”

“Mad? I’ve made myself believe that when the time came, I would be better at making you happy than anyone else…and look at you. I’ve made your life worse. You’re worried I’m angry with you? You should hate me for what I’ve done.”

I ran my aching fingers through his wavy, wet hair. He closed his eyes and sighed.

“I’ve missed you,” I whispered.

His expression crumbled at my words. “I’ve been going crazy. When you found the mic, Claire had to restrain me. It’s one thing to know you’re hurting; it’s another to know I’m causing it.”

I offered a weak grin. “You’re going to have to find a new place to hide the microphone. It didn’t take me long to figure it out. I totally outsmarted you. Twice.”

“Outsmarted me? You don’t even have the sense to get in out of the rain.”

“At least I have enough sense to know that we shouldn’t be apart.”

Jared’s eyes tightened in anguish.

I leaned up and pulled his face close, pressing my lips to his cheek. The water poured over us as he pulled me to him, my light kiss making his blue eyes burn with intensity. He kissed me as if I was the air he’d gone without for five days. Neither of us held back, the agony we had experienced apart fueled every movement. Our lips parted, and he pressed me against the tile wall of the shower. I clutched the back of his shirt in each of my fists and pulled him against me, but I couldn’t get close enough. Jared’s hands gripped each side of my face as he tasted the inside of my mouth.

I reached down and pulled his shirt over his head, exposing the perfection of his bare chest. His wet shirt fell to the shower floor with a slap. I slid my hands down his back and he moaned in response. His mouth grew impatient, then, and he reached down to grab my knee. He lifted my leg and pulled me against him, and I pressed my fingers into the flesh of his back. I braced myself as the intensity in the small space soared to a new level; but his lips slowed down, became gentle, and then he pulled away from me after a few soft kisses.

“It’s been a long night, Nina. You need to rest.”

“I don’t think I can,” I said, pressing my forehead against his chest.

Jared kissed my wet hair. “Try.”

When he was satisfied that I was warm enough, he pulled me from the shower and wrapped me in a towel. I nestled against him as he carried me to his bed.

“You’re still shaking,” he frowned.

“I’m feeling much better, really,” I assured him.

The front door slammed below and Jared kissed my cheek. “Claire fixed your tire and drove your car here. She’s going to help you get into some dry clothes.”

My entire body felt like it had been sandblasted, steamrolled and smashed in a garbage truck. I was too exhausted to argue.

Jared left us, and Claire peeled off my wet clothes, sliding a long sleeve t-shirt that read NAVY over my head.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

She raised an eyebrow. “And I thought I was crazy.”

I sighed to form some sort of laugh and my eyes slowly closed and opened again.

Claire pulled a hairdryer out of a hot pink duffle bag and began to dry and brush my hair. I braced myself for her to do her best to rip my hair out, but she was very gentle; almost maternal.

The high-pitched whine of the dryer silenced, and Claire crouched in front of me. “Okay. You’re done.”

As Jared passed Claire on the stairs, he offered an appreciative smile. He was shirtless, his only article of clothing a light blue pair of pajama pants. In the shower was the first time I’d seen his bare physique, and even through my exhaustion I was impressed. Every muscle in his body sleek and toned, he kneeled in front of me holding a small white box.

“Give me your hand.”

The skin around the jagged cut was opaque and wrinkled from the long shower. Jared spread antibiotic along the fissure spanning the width of my palm, from the outside of my wrist to the bottom of my index finger. It didn’t hurt, but because of residual trembling I had a hard time holding still.

I raised my hand to inspect it and Jared rolled his eyes. “Is it okay?”

“Nicely done,” I nodded in approval.

I leaned against the pillow while Jared walked to the other side of the bed. When he crawled in beside me, it occurred to me that my heart should have been pounding out of my chest, but I only felt exhaustion.

Jared pulled me to him and folded his arms around me. I sighed as I relaxed against his chest; he was warmer than the shower. I was still cold enough that his skin was slightly painful against mine, but I leaned in closer, welcoming the burn.

“Promise me you won’t do anything like that again,” Jared whispered, kissing my forehead.

I buried my face into the concave of his neck and shivered. In reaction, Jared wrapped his arms tighter around me.