Still Human

Chapter Twelve Liv Earth to Liv.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks snatching moments with Danny. He’s so focused and I can’t quite work out what it is he’s focused on. Helping me, or rather, impressing me seems to be what was driving him. But I’m not sure anymore. He doesn’t call me or text, he works and works. He has kept a respectful distance, with the exception of a few baths. I see him each day but only because I go out of my way to be downstairs when he is around. Occasionally, I catch him looking at me, but more often, he catches me looking at him.

I don’t know what's happening anymore. We were so happy before, that looking back I think the bubble had to burst. It all happened so fast, we went from zero to forever in only a few intense weeks. I didn’t see the wheels coming off altogether, but it couldn’t keep going at the pace it was going. All I know is that when it happened, I was determined never to see or talk to him again. Things have obviously changed a bit since then, but now I don’t know what is happening. I still feel like I should be waiting for something, some show or proof of his love and commitment. But the more time goes by, the less certain I am of what that should be. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve pushed him too far.

He’s finishing early today, so I make sure I’m sitting where he can see me, hoping he would stop and have a drink with me. Instead he calls out goodbye and leaves before I can open my mouth. I sit for a while absorbing the disappointment, until Max comes to my rescue.

“Don’t look so sad,” he says and sits down. “He just needs a night off.”

“A night off from work, or me?”

“Both I think,” Max says gently.

I sigh. “We have hardly spoken for days. Why are we going backwards?”

Max shrugs, but I can tell he knows exactly why. This is part of the problem, not only is Danny slipping away from me but we are sharing a confidant. This has led to me not really discussing it with Max for ages, so I feel all at sea. “Just let him go out, blow off some steam.”

“Where is he going?”

“Some work party with Charlie to do some ‘networking’.” Max laughs. “Dullsville! I’m quite happy with him going in my place.”

I digest this information and deal with the disappointment it brings. He is starting to have a life here and it doesn’t include me.

“He needs some time out,” he continues, reading my reaction. “He hasn’t had a day off since he’s been here. It’s been a month, you know? Let him have this.”

I stare into the middle distance. “Is it too late?” I virtually whisper.

“He’s still here isn’t he? The only reason for that is you. It’s never too late, especially where you two are concerned. But you need to decide what you want and think about your part in making it happen.” He looks at me with his most meaningful it’s-all-on-you-now expression and I nod slightly in acknowledgement. “I know you’ve been hurt, Liv. But he was too and he is the only one doing anything about it. It’s got to be soul destroying.”

What he is saying is starting to sink in. I’ve watched in disappointment for a couple of weeks as he has become more and more distant, partly feeling defiant, because it’s me that should be angry and distant, but a feeling I’ve refused to acknowledge has been trying to surface. Deep down, I know that I need to do something to change things.

My phone wakes me, I glance at the clock, 01:15 and I grab it and see Danny’s face on my screen.

“Danny?” I say urgently. “Are you okay?”

“Liv.” He sounds drunk.

“Yes?” I say, anxiously. What is he calling about at this time of night?

“I’ve tried, you know?” he slurs.

“Danny, where are you?”

“You trust me enough to have me around. You trust me enough to work in your bar. You trust me enough to wash your fucking hair for God’s sake…” He drifts off. “It wouldn’t kill you to say it you know.”

“Danny I…”

“Why are you still punishing me?” He sighs heavily.

I open my mouth to speak and the line goes dead.

I call him straight back but it goes to voicemail. So instead I call Max, he must still be here.

“Liv?” He answers quickly.

“Max, Danny just called me, he sounded really upset. I think he’s drunk.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to Charlie,” he says. “Call you back.”

I sit in bed waiting. After a moment I try calling Danny again but I still get voicemail. I toss it on the bed, frustrated.

Suddenly, it rings and I grab it back quickly. “Danny?”

“No, it’s me,” Max says. “I just spoke to Charlie; Danny’s had a skinfull and wandered off. Charlie is looking for him.”

“Shit.” I sigh. “What should I do? I can’t get through to him, it keeps going to voicemail.”

“Sit tight in case he rings you back. What did he say?”

“Oh, he was saying that it wouldn’t kill me to trust him.”

Max tuts, but stays silent.

“What?” I ask, knowing there is more to his silence.

“Nothing.”

“No, come on, let’s hear it.”

Max huffs. “I just don’t think you realise what a rough time he’s having.”

“He’s not the only one!”

Max scoffs. “Liv, open your eyes, everyone is rallying round you, including him. What are you doing for him? He’s far away from home, missing his friends and family, all for you, and you are like this great big, fucking brick wall.”

“I didn’t ask him to come…” I mutter.

“No, but you should be grateful he did.”

I feel full of rage. “I can’t believe this, can we discuss it when he isn’t missing? I need to get off the phone, call me if you find him.” I say, abruptly ending the call. “Huh!” I growl to myself. Seething, I try Danny again. Nothing.

I pull my laptop onto my lap. I need to email him and sort this out. He can read it in the morning when he sobers up, but I need to get it out now. My fingers hover over the keys while I decide what I want to say.

Danny,

You can’t drift away from me for two weeks and then drunk dial, shouting at me.

No, I delete that and stare at the floor for several minutes. What do I want to say? My phone rings again.

“Danny?’

“No, it’s Charlie. I’ve got him.”

I blow out a long breath. “Thank goodness. Is he okay?”

“So, so,” he says quietly, obviously in earshot of Danny.

“Can I talk to him?” Not really knowing what I want to say.

“I think he’s a bit far gone for a deep and meaningful. Maybe you should leave it until tomorrow.”

"Alright," I say reluctantly. “Look after him."

"We will. Night,” he says.

“Night.”

I hang up. I'm glad Danny has those two, but the sinking feeling inside me says that I wish it was me he had. I lay awake, my mind racing. He’s right. It wouldn't kill me to say it. I shouldn't be punishing him still. I believe he’s telling the truth about what happened, so this is all that is keeping us apart and after all he has done for me, maybe I’m being unreasonable. After a while I look at the clock again, it’s 2.30am. Hopefully Danny will be safely in bed by now, but I wish we could sort this out. I reach over and pick up my phone, thinking about what I want to say. He wants me to say I trust him. I type a text.

'I do…I’m sorry. X’

I know it’s not a full and frank apology, but I need to get my head round it still and I think I should actually talk to him about it, not text. I just want him to wake up tomorrow and see that the first move has come from me. I smile and try to settle back down to sleep. It isn’t easy, but eventually I drift off.

I watch him making coffee for one of our regulars and, as he hands over the change, he glances at me. The corner of his mouth turns up in a smile and he winks at me. This kind of across-the-room flirting has been happening all day, but when he does come near me, he treats me like a nun. We haven’t had chance to discuss what happened last night, he was here before I got up this morning. I imagine he has a monster hangover, but he’s working through it…and it isn’t my imagination that he’s flirting with me.

“Earth to Liv.” says Connie.

“Huh?” I tear my eyes away from Danny and smile sheepishly at Connie. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

She laughs. “You're not on the planet today.”

“Sorry. I’ve got so much on my mind.”

“It seems like there is only one thing on your mind,” she says knowingly.

I smirk. “He called me last night, drunk.”

“I heard.”

“Of course you did.”

“Why don’t you talk to him?”

“And say what?”

“Tell him to pull his finger out.”

I laugh and then sigh. “Oh, I don’t know, Connie. I don’t know what is going on. He hounded me until I let him talk and now he’s backed off so much I’ve no idea what he wants anymore.”

She leans across the table and takes my hands. “What do you want?” she asks with a meaningful look.

“I don’t know.”

“Really?”

I shake my head.

“You are as stubborn as your grandmother you know.” She sits back in her seat and rolls her eyes at me.

“What does that mean?”

“Well, I remember when she was courting your granddad and they went through a bit of a rough patch, she had him jumping through all sorts of hoops to convince her he was worth a second chance, poor man.”

“I haven’t got him jumping through hoops!” I exclaim, insulted at the insinuation that I’m playing mind games.

Connie tilts her head. “Haven’t you?”

“No!”

“Well, what is the holdup then?”

“I don’t know.” I sigh. “I thought I wanted him to prove something to me.”

“What?”

“I think I wanted him to prove…that he loves me more than I love him,” I say in barely more than a whisper.

“Liv!”

“I know it’s unreasonable. But I wanted the security I never had with him before. He left me feeling like he never loved me as much as I loved him and after what happened in LA I just felt like I deserved the upper hand.” Saying it out loud makes it sound even worse.

Connie shakes her head at me. “I’m surprised at you, Olivia.” Oh God, I’m really in trouble if she is bringing Olivia out. “What makes you think you deserve the upper hand? He's been through just as much as you and you're torturing the poor boy over something I doubt he could prove to you anyway.” She folds her arms. "I’ll tell you something, no one will ever love you more.”

“I know,” I say hanging my head. “I see that now, but he has backed off. Nothing is happening.”

“Well,” she says, leaning in to me, “has it occurred to you that he is waiting for something too? Maybe it’s him that needs the reassurance from you. Or are you too precious to make the first move for the ONLY man you will ever love? Honestly, I ought to bang your heads together.” She shakes her head in disgust.

“I did make the first move!” She looks as though she doesn’t believe me, so I continue. “I text him after he called last night,” I say in a low voice. “He said that I was acting like I trusted him, so it wouldn’t kill me to say I trusted him. Or words to that effect.” She raises her eyebrows, clearly in agreement, which I try to ignore. “So I text him back saying I do and I’m sorry.”

“You text him?” she asks incredulously.

“Uh-huh,” I say, knowing what is coming.

“You think that will do? Do you? A text!”

I rub my brow in shame. “No, but he wouldn’t answer the phone.”

“Have you not discussed it today?”

“No, I thought we would but he’s been busy all day.”

She shakes her head. “Excuses, excuses! You're lucky he is still here. You have to do something about this before it’s too late.” Her tone is angry but her volume, mercifully low. “Only you can fix it, Liv.”

“Oh this is such a mess.” I sigh.

“Can I get you ladies a refill?” Danny chirps, taking us both by surprise. I guess from the look on his face that he didn’t hear any of our conversation.

“Thank you.” I manage and he takes our empties away. “Shit, that was close.” I glower at Connie.

“It wouldn't be such a bad thing to have out in the open if you ask me.” She grumbles.

When Danny comes back with our drinks, Connie excuses herself and helpfully suggests Danny sits and keeps me company. I flash her daggers for being so obvious, but she just smiles and heads to the counter.

Danny sits opposite me looking sheepish. “Hi.”

“Hi.” We exchange tight smiles.

“I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have called you so late,” he says, without looking in my eyes.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry you felt you had to.” I know it’s partly my fault after all. “How do you feel?”

He glances up at me briefly, a look of relief and hope. “Terrible.” He laughs. My stomach flutters. “How about you?” he asks.

“Fine thanks.” I blush. This is terrible, why can’t I control my body?

Danny pretends not to notice. “You have an appointment tomorrow right?”

“Yes.”

“Would it be okay if I take you?”

“Okay, that would be nice, thanks.” I try not to seem flustered.

“What will they be doing this time?”

“I’m not too sure. A new cast I suppose.” I shrug.

Danny nods. “Well whatever it is, I’ll be there.” He gives a shy smile. I get pathetic school-girl butterflies. Connie is right, he has shown me how committed he is to being here with me. So if there is something holding him back, maybe it’s me. I haven’t exactly been forthcoming.

“Thanks,” I say, touching his hand. His eyes dart from our hands to my eyes. He is stunned. I give him a little squeeze and a smile plays on his lips. He tries to keep it under control, but it betrays him and suddenly I see what Connie was saying. Seeing his reaction to such a small gesture, I see that maybe he does need some reassurance from me too.

Then he clears his throat as if to snap himself out of his trance. “I have to get back.” But as he stands to leave, he winks again.

Connie returns. “That looked like progress,” she says.

“I think so. He’s taking me to the hospital tomorrow.”

“Oooh, how romantic.”

“Alright! I know I have to make the first move. I’m thinking about it!”

“Well don’t think about it too long, the poor boy has suffered enough.”

“Ugh!” I huff. “Okay! I’ll do better.” I get up and hop on my crutches into the kitchen to find Danny. I’m acting like I’m cross with Connie for forcing me to do this, but in reality I’m grateful to her. I need this push and it’s exciting to know we could be on the brink of reconciliation. I’m shitting myself. My stomach is turning over and my palms are sweating as I search for him in the kitchen. He is getting ice cream out of the freezer in the back. He turns around and stops abruptly when he sees me.

“Everything okay?” He frowns.

“Yeah, just checking on things in here,” I say as casually as I can.

Danny glances around. “Are we doing okay?” he asks with a wry smile.

I laugh. “I don’t think I need to call a meeting just yet. Oh! I got my date through for the second surgery this morning. 7th of August.”

“That’s over a month away!”

“Five and a half weeks.”

He looks like he’s in pain. “You can’t even start to walk until then,” he says almost to himself.

“I’m used to it now,” I say, trying to ease his worry. “But I haven’t used the wheelchair in a week and I can stand for a lot longer now.”

“I know, but I just...you know. I hate seeing you suffer,” he says quietly.

“I’m okay,” I say taking a step closer. “I’ve great people looking after me.”

Danny eyes me, feeling the change in my demeanour but maybe not allowing himself to believe the possibilities it could bring.

“We all want you back to your old self.” His voice is slightly shaky from our proximity.

“Maybe after the hospital we could go out?” The words wander from my lips unchecked, but I go with it. “We could have dinner or something.”

His eyes light up as he tries to suppress a smile. “That would be really great,” he says, brimming with emotion. We stand a foot apart, I can feel the charging energy between us, it takes us both by surprise. I know he has lifted me naked in and out of the bath on several occasions over the last couple of weeks, but we have treated that like a separate world. It’s not referred to. So this closeness we have now is the first of its kind since he came back. I take a deep breath. I wish he would kiss me.

“Danny.” Someone calls from the door. “Where’s the ice cream?”

Our spell is broken. “Sorry,” he calls. ‘Sorry,’ he mouths to me, as he carries it into the diner.

I go back to the table and slump down opposite Connie. I sigh.

“So?” she demands after a pause.

“So, he is taking me to the hospital…and then we are having dinner.” I smile, looking towards him again. “And I asked him, before you say anything!” I add.

“Well, it’s about time.”

I turn back to Connie and smile.