Still Human

Chapter One Danny The nights are the worst.

I shower and throw on some shorts and a t-shirt. I’ve successfully managed to work through the hellish night. The nights are the worst, but this one was particularly bad as it’s precisely a week on from the night Liv walked out on me. Jen had some ridiculous idea of me having dinner with them, but that sounded like my worst nightmare. Why would I want to mark the occasion with a sombre dinner when I could be working away in my pit, unaware of the world and all the pain within it? I’m so glad I have this job to do right now, or I would have driven myself nuts. But, it’s Saturday morning and if I don’t show my face for the obligatory pancakes I’m going to be in for a world of shit. Besides, there is something I need to discuss with them both.

Scott is up, dressed and looking particularly chipper when I arrive laden down with groceries.

“Wow! You realise it’s A.M. right?” I rib as I put the groceries down.

“Yeah, yeah,” he dismisses.

“So how are you?” asks Jen with her well-rehearsed tone.

“I’m doing okay,” I say, trying not to brush her off. I know she is worried about me, but I can’t do what she wants me to do. I’m not chasing Liv. Jen has tried cajoling, nagging, yelling and crying. There is only bribery left, but she seems to have risen above that. She wants me to be happy, but she is wrong about how I can achieve that. I should have left the whole thing alone. But I went against my gut and this is the result. I won’t make that mistake again. I’m staying put. Screw Liv.

“Working hard?’ Jen asks, this is more of an accusation.

“Yes,” I say like a sulky teen. “But it’s what I need right now. Anyway, I need the money…I’ve a huge credit card bill to pay.” I joke, referring to the ring. But there is little humor to be found, even when the joke is my own. I sigh. How did I become the guy with two unwanted engagement rings to his name?

Jen doesn’t push further.

“So whose turn is it to cook?” I ask, knowing full well it’s mine, I’m just trying to change the subject. Jen rolls her eyes and sets about making coffee. Scott takes the morning papers over to the table, his usual position. I’ve no idea when he became exempt from cooking, but Jen and I take turns.

I get on with mixing the batter, it’s second nature now, and Jen and I move about the kitchen in perfect sync with one another. I wonder distantly, how I thought it would be easy to give this up and move. I love these guys.

We make Scott do all the donkey work after breakfast; it’s only fair that he cleans up. Jen and I poke fun at him for our own amusement, from where we sit in the garden.

“I’m just not used to seeing him this alert on a Saturday morning,” I tease.

“We went for a walk on the beach this morning,” Jen says with a knowing look. “We had stuff to talk about.”

“And?” I ask, knowing full well the subject they needed to discuss. They have been back and forth all week on this sperm donor thing. I know Jen is terrified, but Scott sees it as no big deal and just wants to get on with it. I really admire the guy; hell, it’s quite a dent in the old masculinity. But as far as he is concerned, it’s just a blip. Any child that is conceived as a result would be his and his alone. Jen has just read one bad example and it has her all in knots. She’s worried that Scott won’t feel connected to the baby and she’ll be left all alone. That just wouldn’t happen.

Scott joins us just then and they smile at each other. “I talked her around,” Scott says, never taking his eyes off Jen as he sits beside her. God, he loves her.

“That’s great!’ I exclaim and put my arms around Jen lifting her slightly out of her chair. “So what happens now?”

“Well…we start looking,” she says with a nervous smile. “It’s a long process and we need a few months to figure out my ovulation issues.”

Okay, here goes. I can’t handle any more rejection this week. “I don’t know the best way to approach this,” I say, looking them in the eye in turn. “But, when you’re ready, I was hoping you would consider me.”

Silence descends on the garden.

I fidget in my seat. “Okay, I can see you guys are having a hard time processing what I’ve just said, but I’ve done a lot of research.” I waffle through the awkward silence, while jogging into the kitchen. From the bag on the counter I produce a wad of papers. “I’ve looked into ways to do this sort of thing and it seems like people do it all the time.” I pause for breath and lay the pages on the table. Waiting nervously to see who speaks first, I feel like I’ve crossed a line and it could go either way. Have I just wrecked my closest friendship? It wouldn’t surprise me, I seem to be on a roll.

Scott looks at Jen and after a moment smiles. They both smile.

“What?” I ask.

“The thing is, when we talked this morning, we said it was a shame we can’t ask you.” Jen giggles.

I watch them for a moment, “So you would consider it?” I ask.

“Yeah,” replies Scott. “I think we would.” He looks to Jen for some indication of where she stands on the issue.

“Really?” I say. I thought they would reject the idea outright.

"Um, yeah." Jen nods slowly. “I mean, we would have a lot to discuss, but if we could all agree, you would be my first choice.”

I grin. This is amazing. From the very first day that they thought they might be having problems, I’ve thought about offering to help them. But when we found out that the problem was mainly with Scott and I could indeed do something productive, I had to re-think. I was with Liv, moving to England and was planning to start a family of my own. I would do anything to secure Jen’s happiness, but when I thought Liv and I had a future, I thought it would be too much to expect her to accept my idea.

But that is all off the table now and even if I’m able to dust myself off and find a new future, it will be a long way off. I want to do this. I want to invest in something really worthwhile. They will be great parents and I could be a part of it.

“That’s so cool,” I murmur, almost to myself. My spirits lifted by this show of faith from my dearest friends. Then something occurs to me… “But why couldn’t you ask me?”

Scott frowns. “It’s a lot to ask. You can’t just go crashing in, asking your best buddy to father your child.” He laughs.

“And you’re not in the best place right now,” Jen adds.

“I’ve thought about this for months, guys.” I’m keen to assure them that this is not a knee-jerk reaction to the break-up. “And we could do it on whatever terms suit you. There are several ways.”

“I know, I’ve been reading up too,” says Scott.

“We can do it through all the legal channels. I don’t want it to come between us in any way. I just want you two to be parents.” I look to Scott. “I know this is hard on you and I don’t want to make you feel worse by offering…”

Scott shrugs. “Hey, if we need a donor, we need a donor. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather ask.”

“Me too,” agrees Jen.

“Well, I think you two should talk it all through, I’ll leave it with you and when you decide, I’m here…and if you decide to go another way, I’ll still be here.” I’m relieved that went well, but I think they should talk about it together now, so I change the subject.

After I left them to discuss everything on Saturday, I took the Shelby out for a drive. If things had gone how I planned, I may never have driven her again, so I thought it would be nice to give her a run out. Santa Barbra and back took up a nice portion of the day, but I had to play music loud because I didn’t want Liv in my head. When I got home, I slept for a couple of hours then threw myself straight into an all-nighter. Hardly sleeping, bar a few naps for a couple of days paid off, because when I finally stopped working early Sunday morning, I was so tired, I slept all day. I either need to be really busy, or so dog tired I can actually sleep; it’s the only way I can survive right now. After another full-on night last night, I was just finishing up when I got a message from Jen.

‘Breakfast before you go to bed? Jx’

I had to laugh, she knows me too well. So, after picking up coffee and bagels from the deli, I pull in behind the store.

“Hey!” she says looking up from her laptop.

“Hey yourself,” I say, flopping down on the sofa beside her and kissing her cheek while she finishes typing.

“Did you bring me a bagel?” she asks excitedly, recognising the bag I’m holding.

“Yeah, but they ran out of Lox.” I tease. I got her usual, Lox, cream cheese, tomatoes and onions. But I always make out that they only had peanut butter left in the whole place. It isn’t a funny joke, but I can’t not do it.

“Shame,” she says, grabbing the bag and whipping out her favorite breakfast. She has bitten a chunk out of if before I can protest and I have to snatch the bag back, before she devours mine too. “So…” she says through a mouthful of bagel. “How’ve you been?”

“I’m fine.” I bite into my bagel so that I don’t have to elaborate. “What about you?” I ask as I finish chewing, to turn the tables.

“Great thanks, you left us with a lot to think about Saturday and I wanted to see you, to talk it through.”

I wait, but she says nothing. “So?” I ask after a long enough pause. She's doing it on purpose.

She takes a deep breath. “Well it’s a huge decision,” she says. “We’re both blown away by your offer and we really want to take you up on it, but there are a few things to discuss first.”

“I’ll sign anything you want me to sign. I don’t want either of you worrying that I’ll decide I want a say, or access or something. I just want to be Uncle Danny.” I babble, this has all been whizzing around my head and sounds too rehearsed now.

“Oh, I know, that’s not my concern,” she says, putting her hand on my knee.

“Is it Scott?” I ask. “This was what I was most afraid of.”

She looks puzzled. “What about Scott?”

“Well he can’t…you know… and I can. Or at least I assume I can.” I mumble. “I just don’t want him feeling inadequate, especially against me.”

She laughs. “Oh, you don’t need to worry about that, he’s surprisingly okay with that side of things. He wants to do it and we would both rather know who we are picking.” She grins. “He actually feels more comfortable about it if it’s you…and I’ve always wanted you for your genes anyway!” She winks at me.

I smile, I know she would be more relaxed about her abandonment fears if I’m involved, but I haven’t exactly been able to voice it to her. I didn’t want to put Scott’s nose out. “Listen, I couldn’t say this to you in front of Scott. We both know he would never freak out on you, but you also know if he did, I would never let you raise a baby on your own…especially if it’s mine.” I say quietly. This already kinda goes against my previous ‘not wanting any sort of stake in the kid’ statement, but I need her to know it anyway. It would never happen, it’s just an irrational fear.

For a second my own irrational fears creep into my head, the ones that just turned out to be a reality, never say never, hey?

She smiles affectionately. “I know, thanks. I think we can make it work.” She pauses. “But one thing really worries me.”

“What?”

“Liv,” she says quietly.

I look at her in disbelief. “Why the hell would she be a factor in all this?”

Steeling herself, she explains. “You should be together, Danny, having your own family.” She pauses, leaving it hanging in the air. I feel like I'm going to suffocate. Jen just watches me.

“Fuck Jen, why are you doing this to me?” I snap. “I don’t want to hear her name again.”

“But you still love her and you can’t tell me there isn’t a chance she still loves you.”

I shake my head and stare out of the window.

“Danny, a week ago, you were going to give up your whole life here to make a new one with her. That doesn’t just go away.” She tries to take my hand but I pull it away. “Scott and I have talked and we both agree, you need to talk to her, find out why she left.”

“I’m not calling her, Jen. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want me. It’s over.”

“Danny, you don’t know why she left. She may have seen something between you and Brooke and thought you cheated.”

“Nothing happened with Brooke!”

“I know that, but would she?” She reasons. “You said Brooke was already undressed when you came out of the shower. Liv could have seen that.”

“Or she just didn’t love me.” I stand up and walk to the window.

“Danny, be realistic. You know she loves you and it’s too much of a coincidence that she left the night Brooke pulled her little stunt. Now I’ve let you do this your way for over a week, but if neither one of you is going to give in and call the other, then I’m afraid I’ll have to fight dirty.”

I spin around to face her, “What the hell does that mean?”

She stands and puts her hands on her hips. “If you want us to consider your offer, then you have to call her.”

And there it is…the bribery, now she’s pulled every trick from her hat and she looks so pleased with herself.

“Careful,” I warn. “I’m not playing.”

“Neither am I.” She holds firm.

We have a standoff for a moment and then she lays it on the table. “We don’t want to take your first child Danny, it’s not fair. Call her. Sort this thing out. Live happily ever after…Then and only then will we accept your very generous offer, if Liv agrees too. We can wait.”

I shake my head, the gloves are really off. I’m too stunned to speak.

“If she did leave for the reasons you think, then I won’t mention it again. But you have to find out for sure.”

Feeling the anger rising up in me, I grab my keys. “I can’t handle this.” I say as I storm past her and out the door.

I’m fuming as I back my truck out of the parking lot. Who the hell does she think she is? This is emotional blackmail. I expected better of her.

When I get in I slam my keys on the counter and pace back and forth. I really needed to sleep, now Jen has got me so worked up, there is just no way that’s going to happen. It’s not like I didn’t call her, when she was missing I was frantic. She has dozens of messages from me and she didn’t have the decency to put my mind at ease. I had to hear from her family that she had flown home, at least she left them a note! As if I would call her now. She left me. Even as I’m thinking this while pacing around like a caged animal, the idea that she may have left for another reason starts to incubate. I haven’t given it a thought before, I’ve been too angry. I’m still too angry I think, shaking it out of my head.

I sit at my desk and fire up the computer. My fingers drum while they wait for something to do. As soon as I’m in, I start furiously hammering the keys. Work will block this ridiculous chain of thoughts out.

Twenty minutes in, I’ve made so many mistakes and had to retrace my steps too many times. I put my head in my hands. This can’t be happening. Work was the only distraction I had and now, thanks to Jen, Liv has crept into that too.

I drop onto my bed and close my eyes. Not to sleep but just for lack of other inspiration. What if Jen’s crazy notion is right? What if Liv thinks I did something wrong? Surely I would have had a call from someone if they thought I had wronged her? If I thought Scott had cheated on Jen I would have been all over it. Max would have done the same wouldn’t he? Maybe I should call him. Then I don’t have to chase Liv, I can just find out what I need to know from him and put this mess to rest once and for all.

Before I know it I’m dialling his number, I’ve always been slightly impulsive. My stomach is in knots. It rings and I hold my breath.

“Hi,” he answers with a tone of uncertainty.

“Hi,” I respond, not sure how to proceed.

“What the hell happened?” He cuts straight to the chase.

I sigh. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Well you don’t have to go back to the beginning, you can just fill me in from the bit where your ex-girlfriend is doing the striptease in your bedroom.” He sneers, anger and disgust oozing from his voice.

Strangely, I heave a sigh of relief. I pause to take this all in.

“Wait. Is that why she left?” I stupidly ask.

“Yes, that’s why she left. Wasn’t that obvious?” He spits, mystified that I could question him. “And she made me promise not to call you, but trust me, if I see you again, I’m going to break your neck.”

“So it wasn’t because she found out about the proposal?” I mutter in a daze, not taking in what he is saying to me.

“WHAT PROPOSAL?”

“The night she left, I was going to propose,” I say quietly.

“What, after you fucked your ex?”

Silence…his words just hang in the air. My mind goes into overdrive. Max has just confirmed that all my worst fears were unfounded. She didn’t leave because she found out I was going to propose. This is about Brooke. Thank fuck for that! Even as I’m thinking it, I know how ridiculous the whole thing sounds. I would rather Liv thinks I cheated on her, than find out she didn’t love me. But, I realise, that is the truth. I hate myself for being relieved, as it dawns on me the pain she must be going through. But this can be fixed, I know it.

Fleetingly, I wonder if I should be upset that she would think so little of me. But I know I made her question my honesty and I remind myself, it was only a couple of months ago that she found that sleaze Mark with her friend, in her own bedroom. No, this isn’t about me and if I’m ever going to get her back, I must focus on making her trust me again. I need Max to understand the facts.

“Max, I don’t know what she saw. But she didn’t see enough.” I assure him. “I came out of the shower and Brooke was in her underwear lying on my bed. She stole a key a couple of weeks ago and let herself in. As soon as I saw her, I threw her out, straight away. Then I called Liv to tell her what happened, because she asked me to be completely honest with her. But she didn’t pick up and I haven’t heard from her since.” I pause, he says nothing. “I’m not asking you to believe me, but it’s the truth. I love Liv and I would never do anything to hurt her.” The words come from deep inside, they bypass the thought process. My brain is still in the hurt, angry state it was in five minutes ago, it hasn’t caught up with this turn of events. Yet I’m saying how much I love her and I know instantly that I will fight for her. Whatever it takes. Fucking Jen was right. Shit.

“She saw you, Danny,” he says, more unsure of his argument now.

“No, she didn’t, ask her. She didn’t see me put a finger on her, because I didn’t. The only time I touched her was when I was shoving her out the door.” I shudder at the memory. “Ask her, please.”

“Why don’t you just leave her alone? She’s been hurt enough.”

“Because I love her and I’m going to get her back.”

“Oh really, you love her so much, you left it over a week to bother finding out why she left?”

“I was convinced she left because she didn’t want to marry me. I’ve been a real mess.”

“Why would she do that? She loved you.”

I sigh. I’ve been so stupid and selfish. “Because…” I hesitate. Outside of Jen and Scott, I’ve never discussed this with anyone and all of a sudden, my lifelong insecurities because of it seem so irrational. “Because, when we were kids and I was going away, I bought her a ring, I worked up the guts to propose to her, but before I could get the words out, she told me to go, she said I should make the most of the opportunity. She said it would be best for both of us. She must have known what I was going to do and was pushing me away so that I didn’t do it…I just thought she was doing it again.”

"You wanted to marry her?"

"Uh-huh. Then and now." I sigh.

“She didn’t know, mate. Trust me, I picked up the pieces after you left. She thought you didn’t fight hard enough, she wanted to go with you.”

"You're kidding me?" I can’t handle this. “I’m such an idiot,” I whisper.

“You’re telling me!” he sneers.

I think about what to do next. I have to talk to her.

“I have to get her back.” I think aloud.

“Please just leave her alone, she can’t handle any more heartache.” The thought of her so hurt is like a knife to the chest.

“Max, please, I’ve done nothing wrong. Please just ask her, I’m begging you.”

“I have to go.” He hangs up. Fuck! I slam my cell onto the bed. This can’t be happening. I have to get her to listen to me. I grab the cell again and select her name.

‘This is Liv, leave a message.’ Her cell is off, it didn’t even ring. I don’t leave a message, I wouldn’t know what to say.

I don’t know what to do now. On auto-pilot, I slowly gather myself up and drift to my truck. I find myself back at Jen’s store less than an hour after storming out.

“Danny?” Jen calls as I walk in from the back door. I sit down on the sofa with a bump and put my face in my hands. Jen has a customer, so I try to remain inconspicuous while she finishes up. Lost in my thoughts, I don’t notice her standing right in front of me. I jump at her proximity when I finally lift my face up to look around. I look up at her and hold her stare. She waits to hear what I have to say.

“She thinks I cheated on her with Brooke,” I say in barely more than a whisper.

Jen sits beside me and touches my arm. “I knew it.” She rolls her head back. “So did you explain?” she asks gently.

“I didn’t talk to her, I called Max.”

“You should talk to her.”

“Her cell is off, I tried.”

“Will Max talk to her for you?”

“I don’t think he believed me, he hung up.”

“Shit.”

“What do I do?”.

“We should look at flights,” she says, opening her laptop. While we wait for it to load up, she strokes my back. My face is in my hands again. How did I let it get this far? I’m so fucking stupid.

While I mope on the sofa, Jen has a look at flights for me, but we both agree I should try to make contact again before charging in. If Max doesn’t believe me, I could be opening myself up to some pretty serious wrath. Given the week I’ve had so far, I could really do without getting my neck broken. I’ve tried her cell again, but it’s still off. The phone at the flat just rings out, she must have switched off the machine and I wouldn't want to leave a message when there is so much to say. I could call the diner, but I don’t think it’s fair to do this to her at work. So I try Max again.

Prepared to leave a message, I’m shocked when he answers.

“Did you talk to her?” I ask, hopeful that he might have had enough faith in me to at least ask the question.

“Yeah, I did,” he says in a hushed tone. “So what are you going to do?” he asks, reluctant to admit that he believes me for fear of betraying his friend, but certainly with a slight change of tune.

“I have to talk to her and I can’t get through, so I’m looking at flights.”

“I have her phone, she threw it away. I doubt she’ll see you.”

“What do you suggest then?”

“Give me a few days with her. I’ll keep in touch.”

“Stay here you mean?”

“I think it’s best. If you push her now, you might blow it for good.” Then there is a loud crash on his end of the line “Fuck, Liv!” he yells and then the line goes dead.

“Max?” What the hell just happened? “MAX?” I yell.

“What?” says Jen when she sees my expression.

“I don’t know,” I say quietly. “But I think something just happened to Liv.”