Still Human

Chapter Seven Danny Go back to your life Danny and I’ll go back to mine.

She says nothing, so I continue. “I didn’t do it, Liv.” I whisper, again fighting tears. “I know you don’t want to say you believe me, but…”

“Danny, it’s just too hard. Maybe we were better off before.”

“No.” I insist. “How can you say that?” I push back from the table in frustration and pace the room.

“Because…” She pauses, finding the words. I dread what she’s going to say. She sighs, she can’t find a good enough reason to quit. I still have a chance. I touch the door with my fingertips and think about how much she needs me right now. It’s killing me, not being able to help her, hold her. I can’t even tell her I know about the accident, because how could I justify not rushing to be by her side? I have to wait until she’s ready. Max warned me about pushing her, but he thinks she might be coming round, I can’t risk ruining it now. I turn and lean against the door.

“Because it was easier.” She sighs. Is that the best she can do?

“Than this, sure. But not easier than us being together.”

“But we’re not together now,” she says. I'm just thinking of the best response when she starts to make her escape.

“Look, I’ve got to go. I’m snowed under here.” She lies.

I half smile, “Okay. Can I call you later?” I ask, ever hopeful, I don't want to but I have to let her go, now that she has picked up, I hope I will have other chances.

“I don’t know, we’re really busy.” Another lie.

I try not to let the smile reflect in my voice. “Well, I’ll call anyway, pick up if you’re available.”

She hesitates. “Okay.”

There is silence between us. I can tell she doesn’t really want to go.

“Goodbye then,” I say as gently as I can. “Thanks for picking up.”

“Goodbye,” she replies.

“Oh and Liv.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.” Then summoning all of the strength I have, I hang up before she has chance to reply. I let out a long breath and stand up straight. I turn towards the door again and lightly touch the wood.

“Hang in there man,” Max says as he squeezes my shoulder. I pat his hand, grateful for his support.

“Come on,” I say, trying to snap myself out of my funk. “Let’s get this delivery in before it gets busy again.”

I work the bar like a man possessed. I can see why Liv loves it. I can see myself here, working side by side with her. I’ve got quite good at it too, these past ten days. When I first arrived I just wanted to help in any way I could. I was picking up glasses and all that stuff. But I’ve got really into it. I’ve done it before and it’s not that different. I’m not mixing cocktails yet, but I can make myself useful and at the very least take some of the slack off the other guys. This place really misses Liv. She’s the life and soul of it and you can tell the difference when she’s not here. I have my own work to do as well, but after she left me I did nothing else for days, so I’m really ahead. Then whenever Liv comes down I have to disappear, so I go home, to Max’s where I’m staying for now and do as much as I can.

I’m really surprised that I’ve not been sprung by anyone. All of the staff know the situation, they’re cool. But I’m surprised no friends have called her and accidentally mentioned my presence. Max is running interference and it helps that Liv has been incommunicado. The past couple of days, she has been away, so I’ve been able to move freely around without fear of being discovered. Max and I finished the garden and it’s full of happy customers right now. I feel awful that Liv had her accident doing something that I should have done for her. But knowing Liv, even I would not have been able to stop her and her control freakiness from taking stupid risks.

I’ve tried twice to find the time to call her tonight, but I can’t get far enough away from the crowd noise. Eventually, I tell Max I’m taking off for ten minutes and I walk around the block. I find a quiet street and sit on a low wall and dial her number. I’m ready for it to go to the machine, so I’m floored when she answers.

“Hello?’

“Hey.” I begin nervously, knocked off my feet by this unexpected turn of events. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” she says. “You?” It’s not exactly what you would call concern, but the fact that she asked has blown me away.

I think for a moment about how to answer this. I don’t want to make this about me, but if I don’t show that I’m suffering, she will think I don’t care. ‘I’m lost without you.” I hope that was the right way to go. “I’m surprised you’re there.” I admit.

“So am I.” She sighs. “I had a break.” She lies again. “You just caught me.”

“Oh, okay, good timing then.” I humor her.

“I suppose.”

I have to think on my feet, I’m so used to having this conversation one sided that I can’t think of anything to actually say to her. The silence stretches out before me.

“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.

“You called me,” she points out.

“I know, but I wasn’t expecting you to answer.”

She sighs. “Danny, this is pointless, you have to stop calling me.”

“I can’t,” I whisper.

“It’s over,” she says with no conviction at all.

“But, I love you,” I tell her, “And you love me. So how can it be over?” I feel stronger now, she’s coming around.

She doesn’t reply.

“I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise our future.”

“I saw her, Danny.”

“Nothing happened,” I say calmly.

She lets out a long breath. “It doesn’t matter. It’s too late.”

“Liv, it’s…”

“Don't, please. We never should have started this. It was always going to end this way. Go back to your life Danny and I’ll go back to mine.”

“It doesn’t have to end at all,” I say softly. “I know you love me. Tell me you don’t.”

“It’s too hard, you’re too far away.” Her voice is choked with emotion. Then, after a short pause, the line goes dead.

My heart is pounding and I have to fight the emotion. I stand in the street, not knowing what to do. Think…THINK! She didn’t say she doesn’t love me and I’m not too far away…I’m right here...I start running.

Rounding the corner, I run all the way back. I yank open the door to the diner, ignoring the surprised look on Ali’s face and run to Liv’s door. I hammer the code into the keypad and take the stairs two at a time, freezing in front of the door, I knock gently.

“It’s open,” she says, her voice strained with tears.

Holding my breath, I turn the handle and push open the door.

Liv looks up from the sofa, tears running down her face and gasps. For a moment I just stand in the doorway. She is a beautiful mess. Her leg is resting on a stool, and she has been crying a lot, I can tell because her face is all blotchy. She isn’t dressed to go out and she self-consciously pulls her cosy sweater tightly around her. I swallow hard. Look at what I’ve done to her. I don’t care how she looks, she is always beautiful, but she is normally so strong and in control. I hate seeing her this way.

I'm still breathing hard from running, so I try to steady myself.

“Can I come in?” I manage, my own emotion affecting the reliability of my voice.

She is still speechless, so I step inside and shut the door.

“What are you doing here?’ she asks breathlessly.

I shrug. Where do I start? “You said I was too far away. I wanted to show you I’m not.” I wipe away a rogue tear.

"But...how?" she murmurs. Then she looks even more mystified. "Why are you wearing that?" she asks.

I glance down at my staff shirt and look back at her sheepishly.

"Okay, I need to know what's going on." She shifts in her seat. “Now!”

I nod, moving towards the armchair opposite her. I slowly sit as she stares. I clear my throat. "What do you want to know?"

She scoffs, "Err, what the fuck has been happening behind my back, for a start," she replies.

I have to stifle a slight laugh, this is not the time to piss her off, but I suddenly find the whole thing quite amusing. She has all of these preconceived ideas and I’m going to blow them all out of the water. She thinks I cheated, I can convince her otherwise. She thinks I stayed away, I can prove I didn’t. She thinks I don't care enough, I'll show her she is wrong. I’ve waited for the right moment, this is my time. She looks mad, I smile.

"You think this is funny?"

"No." I pull myself together and try to look serious.

"So come on..." she urges.

“Okay,” I say, stalling while my mind races back through the past two weeks, searching for a point in the story I can pick up that will make sense to her. I shift nervously. “I called Max.” I begin, knowing that this in itself will lead to more questions than answers. I should have called her, but I was too stubborn. “We were talking when you fell.” Liv stares, she still can’t process the fact that I’m here. “Max yelled your name and then the line went dead. I knew something awful had happened to you, I tried calling him back, but he didn’t answer.” I look at her, the thought of something worse happening to her still fills me with that same fear. I want to reach across and touch her face, but I know she doesn’t want me to.

“I was with Jen at her store, she told me to just go to you. She booked my flight and I went home, packed my stuff and left for the airport. I was so worried. Jen kept calling Max, but his cell went off. I had no idea what was going on, I’ve never been so scared in my whole life.” I fight back tears and take a deep breath. “While I was waiting at the gate, he called me. He said you were okay, he told me what happened. I was a total mess. I told him I was getting on a flight.” I pause. She still hasn’t tried to speak. I keep going, before she does. “He thought I should wait, but I was already checked in. I told him I was coming no matter what he said.

“I came straight here when I landed and dropped my bags. Connie gave me a ride to the hospital. You were in recovery after your surgery when we got there, so we just waited. It took so long, but finally they brought you back, still sleeping. I never want to feel like that again, you looked…I just never want to see you like that again.” I sigh.

“You were there?” she asks in disbelief.

“For a while, Max didn’t think I should be there when you woke up because he didn’t want to stress you out. So Connie and I left. We came back here and fixed this place up ready for you.” I say, gesturing at the remotes. Her eyes follow my hand and she stares at the remotes and then back at me.

“You did all this?” she asks, her tone softening slightly.

I nod and offer a small smile.

“And you’ve been working…in my bar?” she says slowly.

I nod again, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

“Why?” she whispers.

I hesitate. “Because, I had to do something. You wouldn’t talk to me. They are flat out downstairs and I thought…I thought it would show you I’m committed.” I sigh. “I love you, Liv. I will do anything to make you see that.”

Fresh tears spring from her eyes and she looks away. She tries to compose herself and silently shakes her head in disbelief.

“So you’ve been here this whole time?…and everyone knows?” she asks, slowly piecing it all together.

“Yes,” I admit, reluctantly.

Liv shakes her head. “I can’t believe it.”

“But only because I didn’t want to push you while you were going through so much.” I almost touch her again, I don’t think she notices. It feels so wrong not to comfort her and find out how she is doing after the accident. I feel like it’s none of my business, but I have to ask. “How are you?” I glance at her leg, which is still propped up and wrapped in a big bandage.

She looks at it too. “It’s okay, I just have to keep it up as much as possible and I’m not allowed to put any weight on it at all…wait, I can’t do this.” She says putting her hands through her hair in frustration, revealing a huge bruise and a run of stitches close to her hairline. I wince. “We can’t just sit here and have a normal conversation, we're not talking, we broke up.” She sighs.

I wait, because if I say the wrong thing now, I could be finished. She finally looks at me again, so I seize my chance. Sitting forward, I look her straight in the eye. “If you tell me to go, I will.” It’s a gamble. But it will force her hand. She maintains my stare, but says nothing. All I can hear is the sound of my heart pounding as I wait for her to respond. She almost scoffs as if she thinks I have some nerve, but still, she says nothing. Then I decide she’s had enough time to throw me out, I take the lead. “I’ll get us some drinks then,” I say with as much confidence as I can find. Then without looking at her I walk out the door.

As the door shuts behind me, I let out the breath that I’ve been holding. FUCK! I mouth. I’m playing with fire. But I thought a short break would do us both good before we talk. She needs to process this and I could do with some air. Pull yourself together Danny. I start down the stairs, a smile growing on my face and by the time I get to the door, I’m grinning from ear to ear. I head across the garden, resisting the temptation to whistle as I go. I collect some glasses that are in my path and drop them in the kitchen as I pass.

“Where have you been?” asks Max as I arrive behind the bar.

“Upstairs,” I say, casually and watch with satisfaction as the disbelief engulfs his face.

His mouth drops open and while he deals with the information, I reach past him and take two glasses, fill them with ice and drop a wedge of lime in each. When I glance back at Max, he smiles an uncertain smile.

“How is she taking it?” he asks.

“Okay, well she hasn’t told me to leave yet. I thought I would get us a drink so we can talk and I think she needed a break to process the fact that I’m here.” I grab a bottle of rum from beneath the bar. “She can drink now, right?” I check, holding up the bottle for approval.

“Uh-huh.” He nods and hands me two bottles of Coke, which I tuck into my pockets, I pick up a bottle opener and tuck it in with one of the bottles, then take two more Cokes and the rum in one hand and the glasses in the other.

“Can you manage without me?” I ask, knowing he wouldn’t stop me even if they couldn’t.

A huge smile erupts on his face. “Go!” he commands.

I roll my eyes at the suggestion he’s making. “It’s just talking Max, we are a long way from that.”

The nerves set in again as I make my way up the stairs. I hope she’ll talk to me. When I open the door, she is no longer sitting on the sofa. “Liv?” I call out, concerned that she’s left. The bathroom door opens and Liv emerges looking more composed. She has straightened herself out, but I pretend not to notice.

I put the drinks down on the coffee table and get the bottles out of my pocket.

“Here, let me help you,” I say, pulling her footstool aside so that she can sit down.

“It’s fine, I can manage.” She sulks. That’s my Liv, she hates being fussed over. I remember when she had her tonsils removed when we were kids. She was a terrible patient.

“Took a guess,” I say, showing her the rum.

“I haven’t had a drink in two weeks,” she says.

“Just a Coke then?’

“No, I’ll have one.”

While I pour, she says nothing, just watches, then I hand her the drink. She takes it without a word and takes a long sip. A satisfied sigh escapes as she enjoys the warmth of the rum so, for a moment, I just let her relax. This is absurd, we can’t do small talk, but I don’t know how or where to start. She hasn’t even said I’m welcome as such. I’m just going by the fact that she hasn’t thrown me out yet.

She surprises me by opening the conversation. “So why didn’t you say you knew about this?” she asks, pointing at her leg.

I look down at my glass. “Because you made Max promise not to tell me, even though it was too late. He didn’t want you to be upset with him too, with all you had going on.”

Liv makes a sound, like pft. Shaking her head. “But you could have said something in one of your hundreds of messages.” She accentuates the word ‘hundreds’ and rolls her eyes.

“By then I was already here and I knew you wouldn’t let me help you. I thought it would be better you didn’t know, so I could do stuff to help behind the scenes. Then I guess I just held out, hoping I could convince you to talk to me."

"So you think you've convinced me?"

"I'm not assuming anything, but you didn't throw me out...yet.”

“Well the night is young,” she says with this tiniest hint of humor in her voice. Then she forces a smile, which makes me laugh.

We sit for a while in silence, I was expecting a screaming match or something, but there is nothing.

“This isn’t how I was expecting this to go,” I admit quietly. She looks confused, so I continue. “I thought there would be yelling.”

She kind of laughs. “I didn’t think this would ever even happen.” She shrugs. “So I really had no preconceived idea of how it should ‘go’.” The sarcasm oozes from her as she spits the words at me.

The silence once again descends. This is so frustrating.

“Seeing as you have the advantage and you have thought it all through, perhaps you ought to do the talking.”

“How do I have the advantage?” I ask, mystified as to how she could think that I’m somehow winning in this situation.

“Well you at least knew you were here. I’ve been kept in the dark,” she snaps.

I sigh. “I wasn’t keeping you in the dark to get the advantage. I was waiting for the right time so that you didn’t feel cornered.”

“Well, just so that you know,” she says, “you failed.”

“Listen, you could tell me to leave.” I remind her, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. She shakes her head at me and scoffs, she knows I wouldn’t leave without a fight now that I’m here, but I’m trying to make her feel like she’s in control of how and when we talk.

She stares at an arbitrary point on the wall. Then she looks back to me. “You thought there would be yelling?” she wonders aloud.

“Sure.”

“Why?”

“Because you are understandably angry.” I look at her and she looks away. I summon all my courage. “So…the fact there is no yelling tells me one of two things.” I wait for her reaction; she looks back at me and folds her arms. “Number one,” I continue. “You don’t care about us anymore, at all and there is nothing left to say.” I take a deep breath. “Or number two, you believe me. But you are afraid to say it.”

She watches me.

“So if it’s the first one, you should tell me.” I say as firmly as I’m capable of. This could really backfire…

“Why should I?” she challenges.

“Because, I’ll never give up on us. But if you really have, then I need to know.”

She rubs her forehead. “I can’t deal with this.”

My shoulders sag, have I gone too far? Wondering what to do for the best, I absentmindedly sit forward and reach my hand out to hers. She flinches as our fingers touch and I almost recoil when I realise what I’m doing. But she doesn’t pull her hand away so I gently take her fingers in mine and stroke my thumb across the back of her hand. She begins to cry again.

“I love you so much,” I whisper.

She sobs.

I feel awful for her. This is not something she can handle right now and I’m making it worse. “This is too much for you. It’s not fair of me to burst in with no warning. I should give you some time to process everything…The problem is, I don’t want to leave you alone like this.” I reach into my back pocket and pull out my cell. Liv looks at me.

I text Max.

‘Can you come up?’

I glance up at Liv, who is still watching me. “You need someone to hold you right now and as much as it hurts, that really can’t be me. I'll go cover for Max and give you some space.” She nods through the tears. “I really want to talk about this. But only when you’re ready.” I stress. "I'll lay off for a while, you need a break." I feel terrible about the way I’ve pursued her while she’s in such a weak state.

After a quiet and slightly tense couple of minutes, I hear Max’s footsteps on the stairs. I slowly get to my feet.

“Bye,” I say softly.

Liv doesn’t respond. I meet Max at the top of the stairs.

“How is she?” he asks. His voice lowered.

“In shock, I think. She really needs comfort right now and I’m not the right person to give it. Can you stay with her?”

“Sure. Are you okay?” he asks, his concern is genuine.

“Yeah, I’m fine. She didn’t throw me out, that’s more than I expected,” I grin despite everything.

“You’re doing well,” he says slapping me on the back.

I smile. “I’ll go back to work, look after her.” I say with a hint of regret.

“I will,” he says over his shoulder as he opens the door.

Just after midnight. Max joins me at the bar. “She’s asleep,” he says.

“Is she okay?” I ask.

“She’s fine. Shocked is an understatement.” He laughs. “But she’ll be okay.”

“What should I do next?” I ask, genuinely uncertain of how to proceed.

“See how she is tomorrow. Maybe let her approach you.” He shrugs. “You may have to wait a bit, but you’re not going anywhere are you.”

I nod slowly. I wish I could be certain she would approach me. It makes me nervous to think about not pursuing her. What if that’s it? If she doesn’t come to me, it would be over for good. I’m not ready to let that happen. But tonight I’ve made good progress. She knows I’m here and she didn’t hit the roof. I should graciously accept that and try to build on it. I’ll just have to see what tomorrow brings.