Still Waters

Ten

Amazing.

That word was becoming the most frequently employed in Maddy's mental vocabulary.

These days everything amazed her. The weather-no June fog! How amazing. Just clear days, hot and beautiful, with blue sky and no smog, perfect for going to the beach. Perfect for lying around Zack's pool. Perfect for swimming lessons.

Flowers amazed her. She'd never noticed so many before. And then there were birds-especially sea gulls, and the little green hummingbirds in Zack's backyard.

Oh, and food! How amazing that cold toast and milk with Zack should taste so good-better than prime rib at an expensive restaurant with anyone else. Just sharing an apple with Zack was more exciting than tasting caviar for the very first time.

But it was people that amazed her the most. There was Dahlia, who never, never smiled, but never judged, either. And Jody, who, since the night of her fire-pit christening party, had been displaying a most extraordinary and unprecedented degree of tact. Larry, who had subjected Maddy to his professionally perceptive scrutiny and declared that she was positively glowing these days, and asked what she was on, some kind of health kick? When Maddy, trying not to blush, told him Zack was teaching her how to swim, he merely remarked blandly, "Well… swimming seems to agree with you. Keep it up."

And Theresa was… Well, Maddy had decided there was another word to describe that little girl.

She was irrepressible, Maddy thought as she gazed at Theresa, perched like a small brown elf on a high stool in front of Maddy's work table.

Theresa was making a puppet out of an old sock, and was busily cutting and gluing scraps of felt and yarn and humming bits and pieces of "Shall We Gather at the River?" A slanting finger of sunshine from one of the skylights touched her head with amber and threw her shadow across Corry, who was sprawled in the middle of everything. The cat was trying to disrupt the project by flicking his tail through the pile of scraps like a feather duster. The tail seemed to have life and personality of its own, and Theresa was playing hide and seek with it and interrupting both her song and her work with giggles.

A bright, happy little girl, Maddy thought, with an outgoing nature and sweet disposition-if you discounted a stubborn streak and a tendency to argue all the time. Who would ever guess, watching her now, that barely a month ago she had been a bruised and frightened victim of abuse?

Theresa, Maddy was only too well aware, was one of the lucky ones. She'd been discovered and rescued from a bad situation before any permanent damage had been done. And since then she had been surrounded by nothing but love, thanks to Larry Whitlaw, a warm and very special lady named Dottie Frownfelter, thanks to Dahlia, and Maddy, and of course… Zack.

Zack was the most amazing thing of all. He was more than amazing. He was a miracle.

In just a few weeks he'd gone from legend-a gold-medal smile on a billboard or television screen-to awe-inspiring superhero-Aquaman!-to a human being made distant and untouchable by tragedy, and finally, incredibly, to teacher, lover.. .friend. Not a superhero at all, but a wonderfully human man, with strengths and weaknesses, virtues and faults. He was quick-tempered and stubborn, gentle and incredibly patient. True, he was a health nut, and he wasn't going to win any neatness awards, but he was kind and sensitive and loving.

What amazed Maddy about herself was how she could know someone so well and love everything about him-including his faults-so much, and still manage to keep it all hidden away inside!

It wasn't that she was afraid to have Zack know how she felt about him. Where he was concerned, she didn't really have much false pride. But she had an idea that love like hers would be an awful burden to someone like Zack. Someone who cared, but who couldn't love. She told herself that if she were patient and gave him time to heal, someday he might fall in love with her. Until then, she wouldn't burden him with the responsibility for her love and her vulnerability.

It was hard, though, to keep her love from showing. Sometimes she felt as if she were walking a tightrope-without a net. One word, one look, a gesture could give her away. The hardest times were those when he let his need for her show. Times when he talked of Josh or Carol. Times when he told her of his hopes for adopting Theresa, and his fears…

There was a sharp knock on the door. Theresa and Maddy both called, "Come in!" then laughed with sheer joy, because they knew it could only be Zack.

Maddy realized the instant she saw him that this was going to be one of the tough times…

He walked straight to them with a determined smile on his face, dropping one hand to squeeze Theresa's shoulder as he found the nape of Maddy's neck with the other. Maddy could feel his fingers burrow through her hair like small creatures looking for warmth and comfort. She sensed the tension in him-tension that showed in the set of his jaw, the lines around his mouth and between his eyes, tension that radiated from him like heat.

"Hi, squirt. Whatcha doin'?" He planted a quick but noisy kiss on Theresa's cheek as he leaned forward to see.

"I'm makin' a snake!" Theresa proudly announced, and, raising her sock-covered arm, added in a fearsome growl, "An' I'm gonna eat you up!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, Mr. Snake, you don't look big enough to me!"

"Well… I can eat your nose! Grum grum grum …" Theresa's "snake" opened its bright pink mouth and engulfed Zack's nose.

"Ouch! Hey, my poor old nose has had enough grief! Gimme a break!"

The roughhouse that ensued routed Corry and swept Theresa and her snake off the stool and, along with most of the puppet materials, onto the floor. Zack wound up flat on his back with Theresa bouncing triumphantly on his stomach, proclaiming, "Got you now! An' I'm gonna chomp your nose off!"

"Ow! Help! Uncle! I give up! Enough already, doggone it! Maddy!"

"Don't look at me," Maddy said, laughing as she held up her hands. "You got yourself into that."

"You showed her how to make the confounded snake!"

"The snake was all her idea." Maddy shrugged with elaborate innocence. "Don't ask me why, but give a kid a sock and tell him to make a puppet, and he always comes up with a snake. Or maybe a sea serpent. Maybe a dinosaur…"

"What I don't understand-" Zack grunted, then disengaged himself at last and held Theresa at arm's length while he got to his feet "-is why kids are always so cotton-pickin' carnivorous. Ouch!" Theresa's snake was busily chomping its way up Zack's leg.

Maddy relented and, sweeping Bosley onto her arm, wrapped the dragon's soft tail loosely around Theresa's neck.

"Hey, honey," she crooned in Bosley's Mae West voice, nudging Theresa's cheek with the dragon nose. "That's no way to treat a handsome man."

Theresa giggled and squirmed delightedly as the dragon's crest tickled her neck.

"Look, kid," Bosley went on, "you can catch more flies with honey… you know what I mean?"

Theresa wrinkled her nose and looked perplexed. "Catch flies? Yuck!"

The dragon sighed. "Honey, have you got a lot to learn! Pay attention." Maddy moved the dragon sinuously up Zack's arm, bumped its head under his chin, and fluttered its eyelashes. "Hello, big boy," she crooned. "Why don't you… come up and see me sometime?"

Zack blinked and looked dazed, then glanced down at Theresa and rose to the occasion. "Any time you say, shweetheart," he muttered out of the side of his mouth in a passable Bogie impression. He pointed to his cheek. "How's about a little kiss?"

"Oooh, honey," Bosley murmured, and, lowering her lashes, planted a demure kiss on Zack's cheek.

Theresa was delighted. "I want to kiss Zack!" she cried, bouncing up and down. "I mean, my snake wants to. Can I, please? Can I?"

Zack gave Maddy a smug look and bent down so Theresa could reach him. "Put er there, shweetheart," he said, pointing to his other cheek.

Theresa tilted her head to one side and pushed her tongue self-consciously into one cheek as she raised a suddenly shy "snake" to touch Zack's face.

He closed his eyes and sighed. "Now, that's my kind of snake," he said. He caught the puppet around its "neck" and gave it a resounding smack on its pink felt nose.

Theresa grinned up at Maddy, a look of purely feminine conspiracy. Maddy burst out laughing. "Time to clean up the mess," she said as she hung Bosley back on her stand. "Dottie will be here to pick you up any minute. And no arguments," she added firmly as Theresa showed signs of balking. "That's the deal. We make messes, we clean em up. Everybody helps."

"Zack too?"

"Of course."

"Hey, I didn't do any of this!"

"Yes, you did," Theresa said. "You knocked everything off on the floor-didn't he, Maddy?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake…" Zack grumbled as he squatted down and began gathering scraps of felt. "Hey-" He winked at Theresa and tugged one of her pigtails. "I have a great idea. After we get this all cleaned up, you want to go get a pizza?" He looked up at Maddy and lifted his eyebrows. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, because Theresa was solemnly shaking her head.

"Can't," she declared. "It's Vickie Frownfelter's birthday, and we're having a cake, with candles, and ice cream. And you know what? I helped make the cake! She has to have lots of candles. She's sixteen! You know what? Next time I have a birthday, I'm going to have seven candles."

"Wow," Zack said. "I'm impressed. When's your birthday?"

"I don't know. I think it's January, but I'm not sure. I can't ever remember. But it's a long, long time." Theresa sighed wistfully.

"Tell you what," Zack said. He balanced on his heels to bring himself to Theresa's level. "This Friday is a birthday, did you know that? It's a birthday everybody gets to celebrate. Know what that is?"

Theresa shook her head.

"Fourth of July!"

Her face lit up and she clapped her hands. "Oh, yeah! And we get to have sparkles and firecrackers!"

"Right! How'd you like to go have a picnic and watch some fireworks?"

"Oh, boy! With you?"

"With Maddy and me." He swiveled to look up at Maddy, and she saw more in his eyes than a simple question. "How about it, Maddy?" And then, under his breath, "Can you swing it? Please?"

She smiled at Theresa. "I'll ask Dottie." Love had turned all her insides to warm syrup. She didn't dare look at Zack.

"Oh, boy, a picnic!" Theresa was all bounces again. "I've never been on a picnic. Will there be boats?"

"Boats?" Zack looked blank.

"I saw a picture one time. There was a picnic, and kites up in the sky, and a pond with boats."

"Boats." Zack cleared his throat and looked helplessly at Maddy. She shrugged back. "Um… well, I'll have to see what I can do."

"You'd do just about anything for that child, wouldn't you?" Maddy murmured.

They had stood together on her doorstep and watched Dottie Frownfelter's station wagon lumber off through the dark tunnel of avocado trees. When they had turned back into the house and closed the door behind them, Zack had reached for her with a fierce and desperate need. But even while her body was responding to him without reservation, something inside her was aching for him, for the pain in him she couldn't heal…

"Yeah." Zack's sigh whispered through her hair. His arm tightened around her as he tucked her head under his chin.

"Zack, what is it? What's wrong?"

She felt a surprised chuckle vibrate through his chest. "How did you know?"

Oh, when a woman loves her man as much as I do, she just knows.

Maddy closed her eyes and turned her face to his chest, gently nudging. "Come on, tell me."

His deep breath lifted her head. She heard the familiar rasp of his fingers on his scalp as he ran his hand through his hair. "Ah, Maddy… I've just spent most of the day going round and round with people down at the county office-adoption-agency people, child-welfare people-you name one person who has anything at all to do with what happens to that kid, and I've talked to him. Or her. Dammit, Maddy, they all tell me the same thing: My chance of adopting Theresa through regular channels is right smack between slim and none!"

"Oh, Zack…"

"They say they have at least three couples- couples, Maddy-who are as qualified as I am, and have been waiting longer."

"But the fact that she knows you, loves you, surely that will be taken into consideration!"

"Yeah, I thought so. And it might, if she were a little older. But she's so young. They want her to have a mother, a complete set of parents. They feel it's… important to her emotional development, particularly at this stage. Well, sure it is, dammit! But so is having someone who really loves her!"

"Zack," Maddy said, resting her hand on the side of his face. "You knew you wouldn't have a very good chance with the adoption agency. I told you that. But you can still go talk to Theresa's aunt and uncle and see if they'll agree to a private transfer of custody. I know how you feel about them, her uncle especially. It would be difficult for you, I know, but-"

"Not difficult," Zack said woodenly, and closed his eyes. "Impossible."

"Zachary, that doesn't sound like you. I know how you feel-"

"You don't understand." He stared fiercely at her, then cast his gaze upward toward the skylight over her bed. "That guy wouldn't sign Theresa over to me in a million years. Hell, he'd probably punch my lights out if I showed up at his front door!"

"Oh, surely that's an exaggeration! Even if he knows who-"

"He knows," Zack said, laughing darkly. "Believe me, he knows who nailed him. Remember my fat lip? The one I had the day of the court hearing?"

Maddy gave a small, shocked gasp. "He hit you? Theresa's uncle?"

"Why does that surprise you? Maddy, the man hits people!"

"All right, then, he's probably gotten it out of his system. He was bound to be upset, especially that day-"

"Uh-uh," Zack said, looking both grim and rueful.

Maddy said with foreboding, "Uh-oh."

He nodded. "I'm not very good at turning the other cheek. I… uh, left him sitting in the courthouse fountain."

Maddy clapped her hand over her mouth, stifling a giggle. She knew it wasn't funny. "Oh, Zack," she whispered, and pressed her cheek to his.

"Maddy…" Anguish made his voice raw. His arms came around her so tightly, it hurt, and he pulled her over to lie on top of him. "I can't stand the thought of losing her. I can't…"

She held him as tightly as he held her, feeling the tension of grief tumble through him, trying to absorb his pain into her own body, feeling so terribly helpless.

"Zack," she whispered brokenly after a time, "I just wish there were something I could do to help you."

"Maddy…" Her name was a sigh. His hands stroked her hair, then her back. "You do help me, just being here." He went very still for a moment, then suddenly took her face between his hands and raised it so he could look into her eyes. His own eyes were very dark, very intense. Maddy's heart began, inexplicably, to pound. "Maddy, there is something you can do. You can marry me."

Zack knew the minute he said it, he'd made a mistake. He felt her body jerk, as if he'd struck her.

Timing, he thought. I have rotten timing.

He knew exactly how it had sounded to her, and what she was thinking. He couldn't even try to make it right without making it worse. If he tried to tell her now that he loved her, it would only sound, at best, like an afterthought, or a rationalization. At worst, it would sound like an out-and-out lie.

So he just went on stroking her hair and back, and repeated it. "Marry me, Maddy." This time he added, "I need you." That, at least, he was pretty sure she'd believe.

It seemed crazy to him to lie here like this with her every curve and hollow meshing intimately with his, and realize that he'd never told her he loved her. He wasn't sure why he hadn't told her. He'd known it himself, for an absolute certainty, since that morning when she'd burst from the water like Neptune 's daughter, radiant with joy and triumph.

Part of it was pure cowardice. He didn't know for sure how she felt about him, and wasn't quite up to exposing his own fragile ego to the possibility- however remote-of rejection. He knew she cared for him-she'd never have gone to bed with him otherwise-and there was no denying the physical chemistry between them. Even now, with all that he had on his mind, the sweet weight of her body on his was having a predictable effect.

But Maddy was so darned… susceptible! She was so compassionate, a sucker for anybody or anything in pain. Look at the way she'd had to insulate herself inside those puppets of hers in order to deal with battered kids. Look at the way she'd gone off the deep end for the first one of those kids to slip in under her guard!

Well, he'd slipped in under her guard, too, using her own fear and vulnerability, and even her compassion, against her. And now he didn't know whether she loved him, or whether she was only responding to his need for her.

It hadn't bothered him, until now. Until now, he'd told himself that, either way, it was enough.

Right now, that thought made him feel bleak and lonely.

She stirred against him. "Do you think it would help?" she asked. Her voice sounded muffled.

The tension inside him bubbled up and escaped in a short, harsh laugh. "Couldn't hurt!"

"What happens," she said slowly, obviously choosing her words carefully, "if they still won't let you have her?"

For a moment his mind went blank, and he thought, Let me have whom? All his concentration right now was focused on Maddy. With or without Theresa, he knew he wanted her.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," he said.

Of course, he mused, she would think that if he lost Theresa, he'd need her more than ever. Maddy, he said silently, I love you too much. Don't say yes for the wrong reasons.'

Again she stirred in his arms, and lifted her head to look down at him. Her mouth seemed very soft. He saw it quiver slightly before it formed a smile.

"All right, Zachary," she whispered. "I'll marry you."

He stared at her for a long time, his hands framing her face. She moved slightly-a subtle insinuation that sent responses jolting through him. Forgive me, he thought, and brought her mouth down to his.

"You're what?" Jody screamed at Maddy over the telephone, causing Maddy to wince and pull the receiver away from her ear. "You're getting-I don't believe it! To whom? Or whom to? Zack. It has to be. I knew it, I just knew there was something going on between the two of you when I saw the way you looked at each other at the party! And here I thought I was planning this big, wonderful surprise! I'll never forgive you for that, Amanda. I felt like such a fool. Hey- congratulations!"

"Thank you," Maddy said, gazing blankly at Bosley's nose. She had picked up the puppet when she sat down to dial the telephone-an automatic reflex.

There was a pause. "Thank you?" Jody repeated. "Thank you? Is that all you have to say? You call me to tell me you're getting married-out of the clear blue, mind you-to San Ramon's-maybe the world's-most eligible hunk, and then you sit there and murmur demurely, 'Thank you'? Come on, Maddy. Let's have a few details. Just basics. Like when, for starters."

"We haven't set an exact date," Maddy murmured, frowning at Bosley. "But soon."

"Soon. You do realize, I hope, that when this gets out it's going to be a media event?"

"With any luck, and a little discretion on the part of certain friends," Maddy said warningly, "it won't get out. It's going to be a very small affair."

"How small? San Ramon United Methodist, as opposed to Saint Patrick's Cathedral?"

"Justice of the peace," Maddy said, bracing for the explosion. "Two witnesses. That's why I'm calling. I'd like you to be mine."

There was an ominous silence on the other end of the line. And then an uncharacteristically quiet, "Maddy? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." Maddy stuck her tongue out at Bosley and dumped the stupid puppet onto its pink felt head. "We just… don't want a big fuss, that's all."

"Amanda, I may be loud, but I'm not deaf. I can hear your voice perfectly, and you don't sound happy to me. Certainly not like somebody who's about to marry the man of her-and anyone else's-dreams. Now, what's the matter? Oh, my God, are you pregnant? Are you trying to tell me you guys have to get married? Oh, for heaven's sake, it couldn't be. Nobody does that anymore, do they?"

Maddy was laughing, but the laughter hurt her chest. Well, actually, Jody, yes, we do have to get married. The baby just happens to be six years old.

"No, Jody, it's nothing like that. It's just… well, you know Zack's background. We don't want the media to get hold of it and drag up all the tragedy. You understand, don't you?"

"Sure," Jody said. "I understand. And I understand that there's something here you're not telling me."

"Jody…" Maddy sighed. She could hear the hurt in Jody's voice. But though Jody was her best friend and she loved her dearly, there were some things it just took too much effort to explain.

"Oops, there's the door," she said, never more relieved in her life to hear a knock. "Gotta go. Talk to you later-"

"Don't think for a minute you've heard the last of th-"

Maddy gently cradled the receiver and started for the door, tripping over Corry, who was dashing for his position, stage left.

"Uh-oh," Maddy muttered. "A newcomer. Now, I wonder who in the world…?"

For a few seconds she couldn't place the nondescript but vaguely familiar-looking woman standing on her doorstep.

"Miss Gordon?" the woman asked hesitantly, clutching her purse as if it were a shield. "I hope I'm not disturbing you. It's… I'm Theresa's aunt."

"Oh!" Recognition dawned. "Mrs. Soto! I'm sorry, I didn't-Won't you come in?"

"Oh, please, just call me Carleen." Theresa's aunt smiled nervously and made a self-deprecating gesture with her hand. "Mrs. Soto sounds so…" She was looking around her, but Maddy didn't think she was really seeing anything. Even Corry's act was wasted on her-to his disgust.

"Um… listen," Carleen said, "I hope you don't mind my coming here like this. I asked at that clinic-Dr. Whitlaw-he told me where I could find you. I thought maybe you wouldn't want to talk to me because of… what happened to Theresa, but Dr. Whitlaw said…"

"Please," Maddy said. "Won't you sit down?"

Theresa's aunt settled uneasily onto the edge of the couch and placed her purse across her lap, clutching it with one hand while she pushed limp hair away from her face with the other.

"Thank you," she said softly, looking up at Maddy with wide, perpetually worried eyes. "I… um… I'm really sorry about what happened. You've got to believe that. I really love-" She swallowed, pressed her lips together, and went on. "She was my sister's little girl. After my sister died, I really wanted to take care of her-for Elaine's sake, you know? I really do care about Theresa."

Maddy nodded. "I'm sure you do."

Carleen took a deep breath. "It was okay when she was real little, but then… Well, Joe got this new job, and there's a lot of pressure on him, and he's always afraid he's going to get fired. And then when he gets scared, sometimes he drinks too much. And Theresa, she talks a lot, and then she argues, and sometimes she doesn't mind, and-"

"I know," Maddy said. "I understand."

Carleen touched her nose with the back of her hand and looked beseechingly at Maddy. "Joe's not a bad guy-he really isn't. But he never did get on with Theresa, and it's probably just as well-Anyway, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What's that?" Maddy encouraged gently, trying to be patient.

"Dr. Whitlaw says once Theresa's made a ward of the county, she'll be put up for adoption."

"That's right."

"He says there's already several people that want her real bad. Is that true?"

"Yes," Maddy whispered. "It's true."

"Yeah, well, I'm really glad about that. All I want's for Theresa to be happy. She's a good kid."

Maddy wordlessly handed Carleen a tissue and waited while she blew her nose. The lump in her own throat was in imminent danger of causing her to explode into tears.

"Anyway," Carleen continued after a moment, giving Maddy a look of apology, "I've been to see Theresa a couple of times-over at that foster home they've got her in-and all she does is talk about somebody named Zack. And you. It's always Zack this, and Maddy that. Well, I know Zack is that swimming teacher-the one who reported Joe-because at the hearing, afterward, Joe kind of lost his temper and…"

"I know," Maddy said, and cleared her throat. "Zack told me about it." She kept wondering when Carleen was going to get to the point. She didn't want to appear impatient-she knew how hard it must have been for the woman even to come there-but she still had a lot to do to get ready for tomorrow's picnic. She and Zack had gotten permission to take Theresa to the county's fireworks show at Dolores Springs Park, which had a small lake, with canoes and paddle boats. It was important to Zack that this be a special day for Theresa. The hearing was scheduled for Monday morning. This could be the last outing with Theresa they would ever have…

"I was wondering-" Carleen took a big breath. "Do you think this Zack would want to adopt Theresa?"

Maddy stared at Carleen. "Yes. As a matter of fact, he wants very much to adopt Theresa. But you see, there's a problem. He's not married, and even though he's about to be, he's still way down on the list. The county adoption agency has several couples ahead of him."

Carleen was nodding. "I know, I know. That's what Dr. Whitlaw said. But he said people can make private arrangements. That they can agree ahead of time about custody. So… couldn't you and Zack-"

"Oh, sure, we'd love to," Maddy said, jumping up from her perch on the arm of the couch. Her voice was sharp, and Carleen was staring at her, but she couldn't help it. "I'm sure your husband can hardly wait to do a favor for the guy who punched him in the stomach and left him sitting in the middle of a public fountain!"

Carleen put her hand over her mouth in a vain attempt to stifle a nervous giggle. Maddy stared at her in exasperation. "Carleen, can I ask you a question? Why did you come to see me about this? Why didn't you talk to Zack? He's the one- "

"Oh, gee, are you kidding?" Carleen gave another nervous titter and clutched her purse. "Joe would kill me if he ever found out I'd talked to him. I don't think he'll ever forgive him for that-although he had it coming. Joe hit him first."

"Carleen," Maddy said gently, praying for patience and wishing the woman would just leave, so she could have a good cry and get her frustration out of her system. "If your husband won't even talk to Zack, what in the world makes you think he'd ever agree to give him custody of Theresa?"

Carleen's eyes got very round. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and visibly seemed to pull herself together.

"But that's the thing, see," she said, looking determined. A little scared, but determined. "Zack doesn't need Joe's permission. See, my sister, she never cared much for Joe. In her will, she gave custody of Theresa to me. That's all. Just me. I'm Theresa's legal guardian."

Maddy stared at her. She felt strange. Frozen.

Carleen cleared her throat and looked down at her hands. Maddy heard the snap on Carleen's purse click loudly. She watched Carleen's hands dive into the handbag and reappear holding some legal-looking papers. When she gazed back up at Maddy her eyes held a rather touching spark of defiance. There was a pink flush across her cheeks.

"I want-I'd really like for you guys to adopt Theresa. You and Zack. So… I went and got the papers." She thrust them at Maddy. "Here they are. If you want to… all you have to do is sign them."