Still Waters

Eleven

Dolores Springs Park was several miles from San Ramon, in the coastal foothills. The springs fed a creek, which ran down a canyon crammed with native California sycamores and live oaks, into what had to be a rarity in Southern California-a small, natural lake. The Parks Department had installed boat docks and restrooms and picnic tables, and, at the lower end of the canyon, parking lots and a softball diamond, but otherwise had left things pretty much in their natural state.

The tires of Maddy's car-Zack's Mercedes wouldn't accommodate three-crunched over a layer of live-oak mulch as she pulled into a shady spot and parked.

Theresa was already bouncing out of her seat belt, shouting, "Oh, boy. Where's the lake? I don't see any lake!"

Zack laughed. "Patience, imp. Would I lie? Here, you get to carry the blanket."

"I want to carry the picnic basket!"

"Sorry, squirt. You're just a little bit too small for that. But here, how about this?"

He reached into the back seat and took out the mysterious oblong package he'd been gloating about all morning with maddening secrecy. Theresa scowled at the bundle and turned it over in her hands with open suspicion. "What's this?"

"A surprise," Zack said firmly. "Come on. Let's get this safari on the road!"

Maddy locked her car and followed Zack and Theresa up the path, crunching oak debris underfoot. Though loaded down with blankets, a basket, and extra jackets, Zack's step was jaunty. Maddy knew he was determined to make this a happy day for Theresa, even if his own heart was filled with the knowledge that it might be the last day they'd ever spend with her.

When shall I tell him?

Life, Maddy reflected, was full of weird twists and turns. It seemed cruel to keep from Zack one moment longer than she absolutely had to the wonderful news that Theresa was all but his. So why was she still hugging it to herself, like a miser jealously guarding his pot of gold? The custody papers were sitting right there in her purse, the purse she'd left safely locked in the trunk of her car.

Why was it so hard to tell him?

Because she knew perfectly well why Zack had asked her to marry him. He'd hoped a wife would help to swing the adoption board in his favor. If he were assured of gaining custody of Theresa without a wife, would he still want to marry her? Zack was a decent, compassionate man. He would never be so cruel as to withdraw his proposal just because the situation had changed.

But the situation had changed. And Maddy knew that, regardless of Zack's principles, she couldn't go through life married to someone who didn't love her.

Any way you sliced it, it was going to be a difficult and painful thing to resolve.

It had been enough that Zack needed her. Now even that would be gone.

"Hurry up, Maddy!" Theresa called. She and Zack were waiting for her to catch up. Theresa held out her hand, dancing with impatience. "Give me your hand!"

With Zack and Maddy each holding one of her hands, Theresa took two running steps and lifted both feet off the ground, swinging suspended between the two grown-ups.

Maddy laughed. "Don't you think you're a bit too big to do that?"

"Aw, gee," Theresa grumbled. "How come I'm always either too small or too big!"

"The universal lament of the child," Zack said dryly. "That's the breaks, squirt."

They were ahead of the bulk of the holiday crowd, which would come in later for the fireworks show, on shuttle buses from town. Even so, picnickers had already claimed the available tables, so they staked out a nice spot under a sycamore tree on the gently sloping banks of the lake. It was directly opposite the softball field, where the pyrotechnics experts were busy setting up for the big display later that evening. They would have a good view without being close enough to sustain permanent hearing damage.

Theresa was a little disappointed with the lake at first. The boats were only ugly old canoes, not pretty white sailboats like the ones in her picture. But when Zack told her that the boats in her picture were just toys and that you could actually take a ride in these ugly old canoes, she brightened right up, and of course wanted to go in a boat immediately.

So all three of them donned bright orange life jackets and spent the early part of the afternoon paddling ineptly around the lake, dodging other canoes and paddle boats, and drenching each other with water from their paddles.

When they had collapsed back on their blanket, laughing and half soaked, Zack reached for his mystery bundle and drew it forth with a flourish.

"Oh, boy," Theresa cried, bouncing up and down on her heels. "Now we get to see the surprise! What is it? Can I see? Hurry up, Zack!"

"Ah-ah. Cool it, squirt. All in good time." Zack was shamelessly milking his moment.

Maddy watched them bend together over the package and felt a surge of love wash through her like a tidal crest. She was glad, at that moment, that neither of them happened to be watching her face. She lowered her head until the spasm had passed, then wiped her cheeks quickly and openly with her hands. Her face was spattered with water, anyway, from the canoe's paddles.

They were having such a wonderful time, she thought, even without knowing that everything was going to be all right. She didn't need to tell him yet. She would wait a little longer. She could be a part of them for just a little longer…

"It's a kite!" Theresa shrieked. "A kite, just like in the picture! Can we make it fly, Zack? Can we?"

"That's the idea," he muttered, looking perplexed as he tried to decipher the assembly instructions. He cast Maddy a look of appeal.

She sighed and gazed skyward, then reached for the jumbled pieces. "Piece o' cake," she said smugly a few minutes later as she handed back the assembled kite.

"Hmm," Zack said with grudging admiration. "How'd you do that?"

"Maddy knows how to make things," Theresa explained. "She makes puppets all the time, don't you know that?"

"Handy person to have around," he said softly, smiling into Maddy's eyes. It was the first time all day he'd allowed himself to meet her eyes, and in that moment she saw the fear he'd been trying so hard to hide. And something else too. Something elusive, like a familiar face glimpsed in a crowd. She caught her breath and tried to hold on to whatever it was she'd seen, but it was gone too quickly, hidden behind that smoky veil.

He leaned over to give her a thank-you kiss. Then he and Theresa were dashing off to find an open space in which to launch their kite.

Maddy took a deep breath and opened the picnic hamper. It was their day, Zack and Theresa's. She was the outsider. They didn't really need her at all.

They came trooping dejectedly back to the blanket about half an hour later-minus the kite.

"A tree ate it," Theresa said sadly.

"A kite-eating tree." Zack looked thoroughly disgusted. "There really is such a thing, can you believe it? Never mind, squirt," he said, ruffling Theresa's hair. "Next time we'll go to a park with wide-open spaces!"

Next time. He threw Maddy a look that tore at her heart. She almost, almost, blurted out the truth to him then and there. But Theresa began exclaiming over the array of picnic goodies Maddy had laid out, and the moment passed.

They ate fried chicken and potato chips, and carrot and celery sticks and black olives, and fresh strawberries as big as small apples and so sweet, they needed no sugar at all. Maddy had bought them at the roadside stand just down the street from her place. There was a bag of peanut-butter cookies, too, from Dottie Frownfelter.

"Because I made 'em," Theresa announced, then conscientiously amended, "Well, I helped."

"Let me guess," Zack said. "You smashed 'em, right?"

"Right," Theresa said, giggling.

After they'd finished eating, Theresa wanted to go out in the canoes again.

"Not now," Zack murmured, yawning as he settled himself with his back against the sycamore tree. "Don't you know you're supposed to take a nap after a Fourth of July picnic?"

"Come on, Zack." Theresa tugged at his hand, then gave up, recognizing a lost cause when she saw one. "Can I go by myself, then? I'm big enough."

Zack opened one eye and gave her a stern glare. "No, you're not. Don't you go near those boats without me, understand? Hey," he added persuasively as Theresa's chin developed a stubborn tilt. "You know, those fireworks are going to keep us up way past our bedtime. Come here and help me catch some z's."

"I'm not sleepy," Theresa said, but curled up next to Zack anyway, and in a remarkably short time was out like a light…

"Hey, sweetheart. Wake up." Zack's words made soft, moist puffs against Maddy's temple. His fingers were stroking her throat. She opened her eyes and found his face inverted an inch or so above hers. "Sorry to disturb you, babe. I need your keys."

"What…?"

"Shh. Theresa's still asleep. Car keys. I thought I'd take a bunch of this picnic stuff back to the car right now, so we don't have so much to carry later."

"Oh. Okay." She fumbled in her pocket for the keys to her car. "Zack… bring back my purse, okay? I left it in the trunk."

"Sure." He gave her a lingering, upside-down kiss, and whispered, "Sweet dreams…"

Maddy woke suddenly, with that sweaty, shaky, adrenaline surge that accompanies an already-forgotten nightmare. She sat up trembling and disoriented, staring around her, terrified without knowing why.

Then suddenly, with shattering clarity, she knew why.

She was alone. The blanket was empty. Theresa was gone.

The nightmare terror ebbed slowly with the return of full consciousness, leaving her concerned and mildly annoyed, but not really worried. Theresa couldn't have gone far-wouldn't have gone far. She'd just gone off, in her independent little way, to do some exploring on her own.

"Can I go by myself? I'm big enough."

No. She wouldn't try to take out one of the boats by herself. Zack had expressly told her to stay away from them.

Maddy stood up and walked a little way down the slope toward the docks, shading her eyes against the glare of the setting sun. Could Theresa get past the men who managed the canoe rentals? Probably she could. But she wouldn't disobey Zack… would she? Then Maddy remembered Carleen saying, "Sometimes she doesn't mind…" And she remembered that stubborn little chin…

She looked around for Zack, then recalled that he'd gone to the car. How long ago had that been? She had no idea how much time had passed, how long she'd been dozing. Long enough, certainly, for a little girl to wake up and completely vanish from her sight.

Maddy began to call, "Theresa? Theresa!" as she walked down toward the lake.

There were several canoes still out on the water, dark silhouettes on a surface of rippled bronze, but she couldn't see against that glare. She called again, cupping her hands around her mouth to make a mega-phone, sending her voice across the water.

A thin, childish voice answered. One tiny figure lifted an arm to wave, then stood up. "Hi, Maddy. Look at me! Look what I can do!"

"Theresa! Oh… God." Maddy clapped both hands over her mouth and looked frantically around her. Several people were glancing her way, apparently wondering what was happening. "Theresa, honey, stay there! Sit down! Do you hear me? Sit down!"

Some of Maddy's urgency seemed to reach the little girl. Suddenly she appeared confused. As she wavered uncertainly between standing and sitting, her paddle slipped from her grasp and fell into the water. She reached for it-an automatic reflex-and then, frightened by the canoe's wobble, tried to regain her balance. It was too late. As Maddy watched in stony horror, Theresa toppled into the gilded water.

She made a pathetically insignificant splash. Maddy's anguished cry covered it completely. Maddy remained frozen, nailed to the end of the dock, until she saw a dark head bob to the surface. Then she closed her eyes tightly, held her nose, and jumped.

As she hit the water she had only one thought: Not again. Zack can't lose another child like this. Dear God, not again…

Zack was coming down the slope through the sycamore trees when he heard Maddy's scream. It took him a fraction of forever to locate her, poised there on the end of the dock, and another eternity before he'd identified the reason for her cry. When he saw Maddy jump, he whispered, "No…!"Maddy's purse slipped from his hand as he began to run.

He flew down the hill and thundered onto the dock, scattering the gathering crowd like so many pigeons.

Theresa was treading water, bless her heart, just the way he'd taught her. Zack shouted at her, "That's it, baby, you're doing fine. Just hang in there. I'm coming!"

Hang in there, baby. Please.

Maddy was floundering through the water with a kind of frantic resolve that had already carried her far beyond her limits. Zack swore with the kind of virtuosity that only comes with sheer emotional overload. The idiot! The crazy idiot. She'd learned a lot in three weeks, but there was no way in the world she'd ever make it out as far as that canoe, much less back again with Theresa! What did she think she was going to do? They'd both drown!

They'd both drown.

"Call the paramedics!" he bellowed at the nearest bystander, and launched himself into the water like a human torpedo.

He'd never pushed himself so hard in his life. He wasn't swimming for gold or records now-he was swimming for two people's lives. The lives of the two people he loved most in the world.

As he churned through the water, Zack was torn between the need to keep those two heads in his sight, and the knowledge that he'd gain speed by keeping his head down. He tried to locate them whenever he took a breath, but it was so hard to see.

Theresa's eyes were his beacon, his lighthouse. Hang on, baby, he pleaded silently. I'm coming. Don't let go. Don't give up. …"

He'd lost sight of Maddy. He couldn't see her anymore.

He reached Theresa, and she clung to his neck. Her thin little body was shaking with cold and fear.

"Easy, sweetheart," he said. "Take it easy. I've got you."

Her voice was a frightened whimper. "Maddy's drownding."

"No! No… she's not gonna drown. You hang on here, okay?" Two powerful strokes carried him to the drifting canoe. He hoisted Theresa into it, sent up a fervent prayer, and dove.

The water was murky; he couldn't see a thing. All he could think was, Dear God, she must be terrified.

It had to be sheer luck that he found her. He felt something brush his leg, and, reaching for it, managed to grab a handful of Maddy's hair.

She came up coughing, choking, retching- making terrible, wonderful noises that told him she'd be all right. Theresa, when she saw Maddy, began to howl at the top of her lungs-and that was a wonderful noise too.

Dimly Zack heard the wail of a siren. Other boats were arriving. Strong hands reached down to pull Maddy from his arms. And then all three of them- Zack, Maddy, Theresa-were huddled in the Parks Department rowboat, wrapped in blankets.

No one spoke. Theresa wailed, Maddy coughed, and Zack sat in stony shock as they were rowed back to the shore.

As Zack stepped onto the dock, someone put Theresa into his arms. He held her silently while she wrapped her arms around his neck and hid her face from the crowd. A voice spoke with quiet authority.

"All right, folks. Let's move on back out of the way now. Let us get through here." The fire department's two paramedics helped Maddy onto the deck, then knelt down beside her.

Above the folds of her blanket Maddy's eyes went wide with dismay. "Oh, no," she managed to rasp out. "Zack-you didn't… call the paramedics?"

It was suddenly too much. Like magma building below the surface of the earth that finally erupts in volcanic cataclysm, Zack's emotions reached the breaking point. He set Theresa down-not gently- and exploded.

"What the hell did you expect me to do? You bet I called the paramedics! Of all the stupid, asinine stunts-What the hell were you trying to do? You can't swim well enough to keep yourself from drowning! Hell, Theresa swims better than you do!"

Maddy stared at him while the paramedics went about checking her vital signs with calm efficiency. Zack thought his vital signs were probably in worse shape than hers were right now. He took two steps away from her, then whirled back. "What are you trying to do-kill me?"

"Kill you?" she whispered.

He covered his face with one hand, then threw both arms wide. "Yeah! Kill me. Do you think I could survive losing the two people I love most in the whole damn world… twice?"

One of the paramedics gave him a compassionate glance and held an oxygen mask to Maddy's face. She pushed it away.

"Zack-" Her voice collapsed into a wheezing cough. "Stop it. Look at Theresa. You're scaring her!"

Zack glanced at Theresa, who was shaking violently in spite of the gray wool blanket that shrouded her to her wide black eyes. He looked back at Maddy and snapped, "Yeah, well, that's just tough." He reached out and, ignoring Theresa's flinch, pulled the girl close against his side. "She'll just have to get used to the idea that people who love each other sometimes get mad at each other. And when they get mad, sometimes they yell. But that doesn't mean they hit!" He squatted down suddenly and pulled Theresa around to face him. "You hear me, squirt?"

She gave him a slow, awestruck nod.

"Well, let me tell you something else, young lady." He rested his hands on Theresa's shoulders and looked sternly into her eyes. "If you ever disobey me like that again, I'm gonna smack your bottom! Got that?"

Another nod. Zack felt himself deflating as the rage and adrenaline that had kept him going slowly ebbed from his system. He heaved an enormous sigh and suddenly hauled Theresa into a great bear hug. He just knelt there, dripping water, holding her while great shudders racked his body. After a few minutes he became aware of a small hand patting his back.

"It's okay, Zack," Theresa was saying. "It's okay. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad."

He took another deep breath. "I'm not mad," he mumbled. "Just scared." He opened his eyes and looked over Theresa's head, searching for Maddy, who, it suddenly occurred to him, had become very quiet.

The paramedic had finally succeeded in getting the oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. Over it, her eyes stared blankly at him. She seemed to be in some kind of shock.

"Is she all right?" Zack asked hoarsely.

"Oh, yeah. She's going to be just fine." The paramedic was already packing up his equipment. "I'd have her checked out by a doctor, though, just to be sure." He called to his partner, who was on his way back to the truck. "Hey, Mike. See if you can intercept that ambulance, will you? We won't be needing it."

Zack stood up, feeling as if his joints had rusted. He offered the paramedic his hand. "Thanks…" He couldn't think of what else to say.

The paramedic grinned. "Hey, no sweat. Just glad to have one of these holiday drowning calls turn out all right, for a change." He waved and followed his partner up the hill.

Zack turned to Maddy, who was still sitting huddled in her blanket, staring up at him as if he'd suddenly sprouted an extra head. He squatted on his heels beside her.

"Maddy? Hey, babe, are you all right? I'm sorry I yelled at you-"

She gave her head a quick, violent shake. "No… it's okay. I understand." Her voice sounded thick.

He touched her face, drawing his fingers down her cheek. "Then what is it? What's wrong?"

"Zack," she said faintly, "did you say… I heard you say…"

"Yes? What?" Suddenly his heart was pounding in a way it never did after a race. He began to wonder if something was wrong with him-if maybe he was getting old.

"I heard you say two people… Did you mean… that you love me?"

He could only stare at her, overwhelmed. "Are you crazy?" he muttered brokenly.

She slowly nodded, still gazing into his eyes as if transfixed by something she saw there.

"Of course I love you!" His emotions were erupting again, in a way some might have considered unmasculine. He snatched his hand away from her face and gestured wildly with it, so overcome by his need to touch her, to crush her in his arms, that he didn't trust himself to do so without hurting her. "When I think… about losing you-When I thought about you down there in that water, sinking… When I thought of you dying in that water, when you-"

"Zack!" Her eyes were suddenly round and full of light. Her hands were on his arms, holding him tightly, shaking him. "Zack, I wasn't afraid! I just realized that. I wasn't-not in the same way! I was scared, yeah, but the way anyone would be. It wasn't… terror, like my nightmares! Zack, I'm okay, I'm really okay!"

"Yeah…" He took a deep breath, dashed moisture from his cheeks, and shook his head, smiling at her through a blur. "You sure are. More than okay."

"Zack." She was shaking him again. "I've got to tell you something, something wonderful-"

"Lord, I hope so. You'd better be telling me you love me, too, or I'm liable to be taking a walk off the end of this pier!"

"Oh, that too. Of course I lo-"

"What do you mean, 'that too'!" he said with a growl, just before he lost his grip on his self-restraint and dragged her into his arms.

"No…" She was shaking her head frantically, bracing her hands against his chest, and smiling. Laughing. Crying.

"I love you, Zachary, and I have wonderful news for you. You won't believe it. Just wait until I tell you!"

When, a few moments later, Zack let go with a whoop of pure joy, there was no one to cast him more than a glance of mild curiosity. The crowd had dispersed, gone back to Frisbees and sparklers and picnic baskets. If anyone thought it the least bit odd that he suddenly gathered the two people he loved most in the world into his arms and hugged them, laughing and crying at the same time, he couldn't have cared less.

Theresa," Zack said some time later. "Maddy and I'd like to ask you something."

They'd decided, in spite of everything, to stay for the fireworks. They'd promised Theresa fireworks; they'd never hear the end of it if they didn't stay. So they sat sandwiched together for warmth, waiting in suspense for the first skyrockets to burst across the darkening sky. Theresa was between Maddy's knees, Maddy between Zack's, with his arms around them both and the blankets wrapped around all three of them. Maddy's purse and its precious contents lay on the blanket beside Maddy's feet.

Theresa tilted her head and said agreeably, "Okay."

"How would you like it," Zack said slowly, pausing every couple of syllables to touch his lips to Maddy's ear, a process that was causing waves of warm shivers to cascade down her spine, "if you could come and live with Maddy and me?"

Theresa was silent for a minute, considering. "That would be good." She swiveled her head to look up at Maddy. "You mean like, you'd be my foster parents 'stead of Dottie?"

"No," Zack said. "I mean we'd be like your real mom and dad. You'd live with us… forever."

"Oh." Theresa's head swiveled back. She looked out at the empty sky and shrugged. "I don't think I can." Her voice sounded sad.

Zack looked at Maddy, Maddy looked at Zack, and they both shrugged. Zack cleared his throat and asked carefully, "Why not?"

"Well, cause I have a real mom and dad already. They're in heaven. So nobody can't be my real parents."

Maddy held her breath. She felt a tremor ripple through Zack's chest, but couldn't tell whether it was laughter or something else.

"Well," Zack said, and rested his chin on the top of Maddy's head. After a moment he cleared his throat and went on. "I have a real son, did you know that? His name is Josh, and he's in heaven too. Now, if Maddy and I adopt you, you'll be our real daughter. That's what the law says. So if we can have another real kid, it seems to me you could have another set of real parents."

Maddy felt the pressure of Zack's lips on the top of her head and tilted sideways to press against his shoulder. They both waited tensely while Theresa turned the logic of that over in her mind. After what seemed like forever, they felt her head move up and down.

"Okay. Then it's prob'ly all right."

"Well, okay, then. It's settled." Zack lowered his mouth to the curve of Maddy's neck. She felt his slowly expelled breath like a warm caress. Both the big, solid body against her back and the small, thin one in her arms seemed very still and subdued.

After a while Theresa tipped her head back and asked, "Where would we live? Maddy gots a house, and so do you. I like Maddy's house-you can open up the ceiling and see the sky-but she doesn't have a swimming pool, and I don't think she has enough beds for everybody to sleep in."

"Hmm," Zack said. His voice sounded suspiciously quivery. "That is a problem. How's this? Maddy can keep her house for a special place to make puppets, and you can all come and sleep at my house." He touched his lips to Maddy's ear and whispered, "Okay?"

"Okay," she whispered back, her voice breaking up into laughter.

"That would be good," Theresa decided. "Will I get any brothers and sisters? Real ones, not foster ones, like Vickie Frownfelter."

"Oh," Zack murmured, sending silky shivers down Maddy's neck with his breath, "I think we could probably manage one or two…" She turned to look at him. "Or more. You never can tell." He shrugged placidly as he settled Maddy firmly against him and prepared to field Theresa's next question. It came after another thoughtful silence.

"Will I get a gramma and grampa? Real ones? I've never had a gramma and grampa before."

Zack nudged Maddy, who nodded and held up two fingers. "Yep," he said. "Complete set-two of each."

"Only two?" Theresa's head tilted upward. "What about Dahlia? Can't she be my gramma too?"

"You can ask her," Zack said. "Wouldn't be a bit surprised."

"Okay," Theresa said with a satisfied sigh. "You know what? I think it's gonna be all right!"

"Me too," Zack said, and ruffled her hair. Then he wrapped his arms across Maddy's chest and whispered, "How about you?"

"Well," Maddy said, "I do have one question. I hate to ask-it seems so crass-but I just keep wondering…"

"What?" he mumbled, obviously trying very hard to be serious.

"Well, you keep telling me you just sell sporting goods. I don't mean to question your veracity-after all, you are the man I love and have every intention of marrying. But Zack, I really would like to know how you intend to support this family of yours, especially all those brothers and sisters you promised Theresa!"

"Hmm," he said, sounding severe. "This'll teach you to question your husband's veracity. I will have you know that I do, in fact, sell sporting goods. Ever hear of-"

" London 's!" she said, sitting upright and turning in his arms to stare at him. "Oh, my… word. That's you? London 's Sporting Goods? I don't know why I didn't make the connection. I always thought that meant the city. Is that really you?"

"Us," he corrected her, hauling her back into his arms.

There was a thump and a low whistle, followed by a muted explosion. Star-bursts lit up the summer sky and cascaded down like sparkling rain.

Theresa cried "Oooh…" in wonder and delight, and then, with triumphant glee, "Maddy, I see Zack kissing you!"

Maddy erupted into helpless giggles.

"Get used to it, squirt," Zack growled. "Real parents do that a lot!"

As he reclaimed Maddy's mouth, skyrockets exploded again, some of them in the sky…