The Ranch

Chapter 16

The day after the rodeo, when Mary Stuart woke up, she heard noises just outside her bedroom. She put her dressing gown on and walked into the living room, and she found Tanya there, fully dressed and looking worried.

“Is something wrong?” She didn't even tease her about being up at that hour, and already in boots and blue jeans.

“It's Zoe. I think she's been up all night. She won't tell me what's wrong. She thinks it's a flu of some kind, but Stu, she looks really awful.” A thousand horrible possibilities crossed their minds from ulcers to cancer. “I think she should go to the hospital, but she doesn't want to.”

“Let me take a look at her,” Mary Stuart said quietly, but when she saw her, she was momentarily shocked into silence. Zoe's face was so pale, it was a fluorescent green, and she was dozing. She stood there for a minute, and then they walked out of the room together.

“My God,” Mary Stuart said, horrified, “she looks awful. If she doesn't go to the hospital, we should at least have someone come here to see her,” she said with complete conviction, and Tanya was relieved to hear her say it.

Tanya called the manager and asked if there was a doctor nearby who could make a house call. They asked what the problem was and she said only that one of her friends was extremely ill, they didn't know what it was, but it could easily have been appendicitis or something that needed immediate treatment.

Charlotte Collins, the owner, called back instantly, and she said she'd have a doctor to them half an hour later.

“You don't suppose it's something serious, do you?” Tanya asked Mary Stuart as they waited, and Mary Stuart only shook her head, looking worried.

“I just wish I knew. I hope it's not. But she works awfully hard. Hopefully, it'll turn out to be nothing.”

True to her word, Charlotte Collins had Dr. John Kroner there at eight-thirty. He was a young man, with athletic good looks, he looked as though he had played football in college. And it was obvious when he came in that he knew he was coming to see Tanya Thomas. He tried not to look impressed, but he couldn't help it, and she smiled warmly at him, and tried to tell him about Zoe.

“What do you think is wrong with her?” He sat down, looked at her intently, and listened.

“I don't know. She looks pale to me all the time, and she's tired, but she seemed all right actually until yesterday. She said she had the flu, there was something wrong with her stomach. She was absolutely green, and shaking violently last night. She was up until about two o'clock, and this morning, she looks a lot worse and she has a fever.”

“Any pain as far as you know?”

“She didn't say.” But she had looked truly miserable. That had to come from something.

“Vomiting? Diarrhea?”

“I think so.” Tanya felt inordinately stupid, and a moment later, he went in to see Zoe. He closed the door, and they were inside for a long time, and eventually he emerged. It had been an interesting meeting for him. He knew who she was the moment she said her name. He had read everything she'd written. And for him it was even more of an honor to meet her than Tanya.

He had told Zoe he thought she'd feel better in a few days. But she had been honest with him and shared her secret. He suggested she take it extremely easy, stay in bed, drink clear fluids, do everything possible not to get dehydrated, and try to recoup her strength. He was sure she'd be feeling better by Monday. But he felt very strongly that she needed a second week of rest, and he didn't want her going home on Sunday. She looked crestfallen at that, she didn't even know if Sam was free to cover for her for a second week. And she had said darkly that she'd have to call him. She wanted to see her little girl, and go back to work, and she was worried that this was a sign of things to come, but Dr. Kroner told her he hoped it wasn't. She was bound to have isolated incidents like this, but if she was careful to handle them properly, they didn't have to signal a complete collapse of her defenses.

“You know,” he said pleasantly, “you know a lot more about all this than I do. I read you in order to help my patients. You've made a real difference to the people I work with. The funny thing is I've always wanted to write you.”

“Well, now you won't have to,” she said kindly, but she still looked awful. He had offered her an IV of fluids, but she didn't want to upset Mary Stuart and Tanya, and she thought she could accomplish the same thing by drinking.

“If you can't keep it down though, I'm coming back to give you an IV.”

“All right, Doctor.” He had also suggested that the altitude might have aggravated her situation. She thought that was hopeful. Each time she got sick, she was terrified it would mean a marked degeneration, but so far, she'd been lucky, and she always got better quickly.

Tanya and Mary Stuart were waiting just outside her door when the doctor emerged, and they were deeply concerned by the long visit.

“How is she?”

“She'll be all right,” he said calmly. She had warned him that her friends knew nothing of her problem, and she did not intend to tell them. He disagreed with her, but it was her decision obviously, she was the patient, as well as the expert.

“What took so long?” Tanya had been genuinely panicked. It was nine-thirty when he came out. Hartley had come by an hour before, and Mary Stuart had told him they weren't riding that morning. Tanya asked him to tell Gordon. Hartley said he'd ride out with him alone, and if Zoe was better by that afternoon, Mary Stuart and Tanya could join him.

“I'm afraid that was my fault,” the young doctor said apologetically, explaining his long visit with Zoe. “I'm a big fan of Dr. Phillips's. I've read every article she's ever written.” It was refreshing to have someone be a fan of someone else for a change, and Tanya smiled at him in amusement. “I'm afraid I was picking her brain and telling her about some of my patients.” He was really the only practitioner well versed in AIDS in the area, and he had had a million questions.

“I wish you'd come out and told us she was all right,” Tanya said snappily, “we were really worried.”

“I'm sorry,” he said kindly, and then told them he'd be back tomorrow. “Make her stay in bed and drink lots of fluids,” he reiterated as he left, but Tanya found when they went in that they didn't need to argue with her. She was already working on a large bottle of mineral water, but she still looked awful.

“How goes it?” Mary Stuart asked her, and she shrugged.

“Not great. He says I'll feel better tomorrow. I've picked up some awful bug here.”

“I'm sorry.” Tanya felt responsible, and Mary Stuart was instantly maternal, tucking her in, bringing her dry crackers, and a can of ginger ale in case that appealed to her more than water, and a banana to replace the potassium she'd lost with the diarrhea.

“You guys are so wonderful to me,” Zoe said with tears in her eyes. She was feeling emotional and she wanted to see her baby, “I really have to get back,” she said, and burst into tears, and she was furious with herself when she did. She hadn't meant to. “He thinks I should stay here another week,” she said as though it were a death sentence instead of an extended vacation. But she was also coping with everything else he'd said to her about her condition, and they'd had a serious discussion about AZT and her T cells. And somehow, discussing it with him brought the situation home to her again with a vengeance. Unfortunately Zoe knew more about all of it than he did. And she knew what the prognosis was too. She dealt with it daily, and as her two friends looked at her in dismay, she found that she couldn't stop crying. But their being nice to her had made the whole realization harder than ever. She was still adjusting to the realities of her future.

“Zoe, is there anything else bothering you?” Mary Stuart sat down on her bed, looking worried. It wasn't like Zoe to be so high-strung, and it scared her.

“I'm all right,” she said, blowing her nose again, and taking a sip of water. But it was all so hard. She was going to die eventually, and she had nowhere to leave her daughter. She had thought of both of them in the past few days, but Tanya had never had kids, and Mary Stuart seemed to feel she was past them. They were all still young enough to have another child naturally, so it wasn't entirely out of the question, but she was afraid to ask them. And it meant telling them that she had AIDS, and despite what the doctor had just said about opening up to her friends and reaching out to them for support, she really didn't want to. But what he had told her was exactly the kind of thing she said to her patients. “I've just been working too hard,” she explained.

“Well, then,” Tanya said, trying to sound calmer than she felt. She was deeply concerned about Zoe. “Maybe this is an important lesson. Maybe when you go back you need to slow down a little bit, even take in a partner.” Zoe had thought of it too, and the only one she'd have been interested in was Sam, but she didn't think he'd want to. He had never had any interest before in sharing a practice, only in doing locum tenens.

“Don't lecture me,” she said irritably to Tanya, and surprised both of them. “You work even harder than I do.”

“No, I don't. And singing isn't nearly as stressful as taking care of dying patients.” But as she said it, Zoe started to cry again, and she felt completely foolish. She was utterly miserable and sorry she had ever come to Wyoming. She didn't want them to see her this way, it was really upsetting. “Come on, Zoe, please,” Tanya begged her. “You just feel rotten, so everything seems worse. Why don't you just stay in bed and sleep today. I'll stick around if you want, and by tonight I'll bct you'll feel better.”

“No, I won't,” she said stubbornly, suddenly angry at her fate, and what it meant for her future.

“I'll stay home,” Mary Stuart said firmly. They were fighting to take care of her, and Zoe smiled through her tears as she listened.

“I want you both to go out and play. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'll be okay… honest.” She was starting to calm down, and Tanya looked relieved, as they watched her. “Besides, you both have boyfriends.” She teased them and blew her nose again. In crazy ways, their lives were so much more normal, and hers wasn't.

“I wouldn't go that far,” Mary Stuart objected with a grin. “I'm sure Hartley would be thrilled to be called my ‘boyfriend.’ “

“And Gordon would go nuts if he thought anyone knew he said more than two words to me,” Tanya added.

“You guys talked for hours outside last night,” Zoe said, looking pleased but tired and leaning her head against the pillow. “Just be careful,” she warned her again, and Mary Stuart nodded. They both knew that Tanya was sensible usually, but sometimes she led with her heart, instead of her radar.

“Why don't you get some sleep,” Mary Stuart said gently and Zoe nodded, but in a funny way she didn't want them to leave her. She just wanted to be there with them, and stay close to them. It was almost as though they had become her parents.

“I have to call Sam,” she said sleepily. “I'm not even sure he can stay another week for me. If he can't, I'll have to go home no matter what and at least see some of my patients.”

“That would be really stupid,” Tanya told her. “In fact,” she looked at Mary Stuart pointedly, “we won't let you. We're holding you hostage.” Zoe laughed at them, and then tears filled her eyes again and Mary Stuart leaned over and kissed her.

Zoe was still completely overwrought, and as Mary Stuart looked at her eyes, it was as though there were someone frightened and sad trapped inside her. And somehow, she had to try one more time. She didn't want to intrude, but she wanted to help her, As she leaned over her, she asked her one last question. “Are you leveling with us? Is there anything you want to tell us?” She didn't know what made her ask, but she just sensed that Zoe was sitting on the edge and wanted to tell them something, but was afraid to. She didn't answer at first, and Tanya had been standing in the doorway and she turned and watched them, and then added her voice to Mary Stuart's.

“Zoe, is there?” They both sensed that she was keeping something from them, and they weren't sure what, but they knew it was important. “Is something wrong with you?” All of a sudden she had the overwhelming feeling that Zoe had cancer, but as she looked at them her eyes filled with tears again, and her voice was very small when she answered.

“I have AIDS, guys.” There was a deafening silence in the room, and without saying a word, Mary Stuart leaned forward and hugged her. By then, she was crying too. At least cancer might have been cured, but AIDS couldn't.

“Oh, my God,” Tanya said and walked back into the room, and sat down on the bed next to Zoe. “Oh, my God… why didn't you tell us?”

“I just found out recently. I didn't want to tell anyone. How can I take care of my patients if they think I'm sick? I have to be strong for them, and for so many people. But I've been thinking about it so much, about what it means to my life, my career… my baby. I don't even know what to do with her when I die, or if I get really sick.” She looked from one to the other then, in terror. “Will you take her?” They were the best friends she had, and she would have loved to know that Jade was with them.

“I will.” Tanya spoke up instantly, without hesitation.

“I'd love to have your baby.”

“And if for some reason, Tanya can't, I will.” Mary Stuart said it strongly and firmly, but Zoe was still worried, though grateful.

“What if you're with Bill, and he doesn't want her?”

“I'm going to leave him anyway,” she said in a clear, sure voice, and Zoe believed her. “And if for some reason I didn't, I would then for sure, if he wouldn't let me take her.” And she meant it.

“And I don't have anybody telling me what to do,” Tanya said with a warm smile, holding her friend's hand. It was small and frail and icy. “But you have to take care of yourself. You could live for a long time. You owe her that, and us, and your patients. What about this doctor covering for you? Have you told him? You're going to need his help so you don't overdo it.” It was exactly what Dr. Kroner had told her that morning. But she didn't want to tell Sam either. It was enough that Tanya and Mary Stuart knew. Now they would nag her, and worry about her, and tell her what not to do. But on the other hand they would also support her and love her. It was the same dilemma she saw with all her patients. On balance, with Tanya and Mary Stuart, she was actually glad she had told them. Now she knew that Jade could go to Tanya, and she could draw up the papers. Hopefully, it wouldn't happen for a long time, but you never knew.

“I really don't want to tell him,” Zoe said, referring to Sam. “Word would spread like wildfire, and I just don't want that. It diminishes my impact on my patients.”

“On the contrary,” Mary Stuart said seriously, “I think it increases it. They'll know then that you really know whereof you're speaking.” And then she wondered something, though she was almost embarrassed to ask her. “How did you get it, by the way?”

“A needle stick from a little girl with AIDS. She squirmed and so did I, it was just bad luck really. I wondered at the time, but I decided to be philosophical about it. I almost forgot, and then I started getting sick. I denied it for a while, and then I finally got tested. I just found out before I called you,” she said to Tanya, and Tanya sat on her bed, holding her other hand and crying.

“I just can't believe this,” Tanya said, feeling badly shaken.

“I'll be okay. I'll feel better when my gut settles down again,” Zoe said, looking a little stronger. They were so supportive of her that she felt terrible to have upset them. They looked worse than she did.

“I want both of you to go out and play. I don't want you sitting here all day,” she said firmly. It was nearly lunchtime.

“We will if you promise to get some rest,” Tanya said, and Zoe nodded.

“I'm going to sleep all day, and by tonight, hopefully, Hi feel human.”

“You have to be okay by tomorrow night,” Mary Stuart said practically, “so we can all learn the two-step-Let's get priorities straight here.” They all smiled through their tears, and the three of them held hands for a long moment. And Zoe thanked her lucky stars that she had come to Wyoming. Being with them had been the most important thing that had happened to her in ages, and it had settled her daughter's future-She had made her peace with Mary Stuart, and she was even coming to terms with the fact that she had AIDS. She hated the thought of it, but she knew somehow that if she did the right things, perhaps she could prolong her life and improve the quality of it. It was the best she could do now. And then the three of them made a pact and Zoe made the others promise her not to tell anyone that she had AIDS. If anyone wanted to know, she wanted them to say she had an ulcer, or even stomach cancer. They could say anything except that she had the AIDS virus, and was dying-She didn't want to deal with their terror or their pity. And her friends agreed to support her in her deception.

She sent them out finally, and when Mary Stuart and Tanya walked out, they both started crying, but they didn't say anything until they were out of earshot.

“Oh, God, what an awful day,” Mary Stuart finally said when they were halfway to the stables. They didn't even know where they were going, they were just walking and crying, with their arms around each other. “I can't believe it.”

“You know, it's funny. I kept thinking she was very pale. She always had that translucent kind of skin that goes with her red hair, but she's been paler than ever since she got here,” Tanya said, thinking back over it, “and she gets tired very easily.”

“Well, this explains it.” Mary Stuart looked devastated, and was grateful that they had made peace now. “Thank God she told us. What a terrible burden to take on alone. I hope we can do something to help her.”

“She needs to tell the guy who's covering for her, Sam. He really has to help her, or she has to find someone else who will,” Tanya said practically, thinking of the future.

“I guess that explains why she won't date,” Mary Stuart added.

“I don't see why she can't, if she's careful,” Tanya said thoughtfully. “I'm sure other people do. She can't completely isolate herself, it's not healthy. Oh, God, I can't believe this,” Tanya muttered, and they both blew their noses in unison, just as Hartley and Gordon walked toward them, leading their horses. They almost walked right into them, and both men saw immediately that they'd been crying, and wondered what had happened.

“What happened?” Hartley asked. He had been very worried when Mary Stuart had told him they couldn't ride that morning. And Gordon was terrified that Tanya had come to her senses and was now afraid to face him. But it was obvious now that something much worse had happened to them. And at first neither woman answered.

“Are you all right?” Gordon asked Tanya cautiously. She looked as though someone close to her had died. It wasn't that bad, but it would be, someday. This was just the introduction.

“I'm okay,” Tanya whispered, brushing his hand with her fingers, and he felt an electric current run through him. “How's your friend?” Tanya didn't answer, and she saw that Mary Stuart was talking to Hartley and crying again. She knew Mary Stuart was too discreet to break her promise to Zoe and tell him Zoe had AIDS, but Tanya suspected she might say she had cancer, which was what the three of them had agreed to tell Hartley and Gordon. And Tanya chose to do the same thing with Gordon. He felt terrible when he heard, and he could see easily how close they were. “I've known her since I was eighteen. That's twenty-six years,” she said miserably, and he wished he could put an arm around her shoulders, but he didn't dare. He was working.

“It sure doesn't look it,” he said, and she smiled at him.

“Thanks. I'm probably ten years older than you are,” she said. “Officially, I'm thirty-six, in case it matters. But I'm really forty-four.”

He laughed at the complications. “Well, I'm really forty-two, and I'm really a wrangler, and I'm really from Texas, and I was starting to panic. I figured you'd woken up and come to your senses and never wanted to see me again or something.” He had been in a total state all morning, and could hardly pay attention to Hartley. Fortunately, no one else had ridden with them.

“I was up at six o'clock to get ready to see you. I couldn't sleep I was so excited. It's like being fourteen years old and falling in love for the first time.” It was like when she had fallen in love with Bobby Joe in eighth grade, only more so. “It was all I could think of all night… and then, this morning, everything went crazy. She was so sick, and I called the doctor. And he sat with her for hours, and then she told us.”

“Is she going to be all right? For now, I mean. Should she be in a hospital?”

“He doesn't think so,” Tanya explained, “unless she gets worse here. But she wants to go home and go right back to her practice.”

“She's an amazing woman.” And then he looked down at her, suffering for her friend, even before she lost her. The thought of it almost killed her, and it reminded her of Ellie. That had been so heartbreaking for all of them. And Zoe would be even worse when it happened.

“You're an amazing woman too,” he said gently. “I've never known anyone like you. I never expected you to be so real. I thought you were going to be the fanciest woman I ever met, instead you're the most human, the most down-to-earth, the plainest.” It wasn't an insult, but a compliment, and she knew that. “Do you think you can still get away on Sunday?”

“I'll try. I want to see how she is first,” but she also knew that it would be their only chance to be together. He worked every other day of the week, and the following Sunday, when he'd be off again, they were leaving.

“Is this real, Tanny?” he asked her suddenly, as they stood there, under the oak trees. He wanted it to be, he wanted to believe it was everything he thought it was, but he was desperately afraid that she was just some fabulous movie star who had come up from Hollywood, was going to play a little bit and forget him. But that didn't seem like her. He didn't even dare say it.

“It's real,” she whispered softly. “I don't know how it happened, or when,” she smiled then, “you annoyed the hell out of me when you wouldn't talk to me on Monday. Maybe that's when it happened. But whenever it did, I've never known anything like this. It's real, Gordon, believe me,” she said softly, and she looked as bowled over as he did.

“I didn't talk to you because I was afraid to, and then you didn't turn out to be the way I thought, and I just couldn't help it. I just wanted to ride around those hills with you forever.”

“What are we going to do now?” She wanted to see him and talk to him and spend time with him, and see what they had here, but she didn't want to cost him his job and get him into trouble.

“Can I come back and talk to you tonight?” he asked softly so no one would hear them, and she nodded, and raised her eyes to his with a small smile.

“We'll ride tomorrow. I think this afternoon we'll stay with Zoe, unless she's sleeping or something. I want to check on her again after lunch. What about tomorrow night? Will you come and teach me the two-step? The brochure says the wranglers will teach us, and I'd like to hold you to it.” In spite of their horrendous morning, she was teasing him, and he loved it. His eyes were as full of love and excitement as hers were. It was just a shame they couldn't really indulge it. But this had its high points too, it was tender and secret. “Will you teach me, Mr. Washbaugh?”

“Yes, ma'am. I'll be there.” It was one event he was expected to attend, and he intended to take full advantage of it. “And on Saturday, I'm in the rodeo again.”

“I'll be there,” she whispered.

“Are you going to sing again?”

“Maybe.” She smiled. “It was fun.” But it had also scared them both a little. “I'll see what the crowd looks like.”

“You looked great on that palomino.” She would have loved to ride off on it with him. “And Sunday is ours, and we'll see how next week goes.”

“That sounds pretty good.” She smiled at him, this was very new for both of them, and more than a little scary. They wandered back to Hartley and Mary Stuart then, and as he left them, Gordon brushed his hand against hers, and it tied her stomach in a knot being so close to him, and not being able to do anything about it. She was dying to kiss him.

“How was your ride?” she asked Hartley, and he looked sympathetic.

“A lot nicer than your morning. Mary Stuart was just telling me about Zoe. Pancreatic cancer is an awful thing. I had a cousin who died of it in Boston.” Tanya nodded, grateful to know her friend's story. “I'm so sorry.”

“Me too,” Tanya said, and exchanged a glance with Mary Stuart. “She could go on for quite a while apparently, but eventually there might be complications.” It was complicated lying, but he was nodding agreement.

“That's exactly what happened to my cousin. All you can do is make her as comfortable as possible, let her do what she wants, and be there if she needs you.” His saying that reminded Tanya that she had forgotten to tell Gordon she was taking Zoe's baby eventually. She wanted him to know, for a variety of reasons. And she wanted to see his reaction. She couldn't believe that she was actually testing the waters for a future with him after three days, but if it was even a remote possibility for some later date, she wanted to know how he would react to a number of things, and one of them was Zoe's baby.

Hartley walked them up to lunch, and the three of them talked endlessly about Zoe, her health, her career, her clinic, her child, her future, her brilliant mind, her enormous devotion to mankind. They went on endlessly about her, and the subject of their admiration and sympathy was sitting in her bedroom, thinking. She knew she had to call Sam, but she was stalling about it. She needed to ask him if he'd cover for her for a few more days, but she was afraid he'd hear something more in her voice, and she wanted to keep it from him. But while she sat mulling over what to do, and whether she should just leave a message for him, the phone rang, and it was providence, because Sam was calling her to ask her advice about a patient. She needed a major change in medication, and Sam wanted to be sure he was doing what Zoe wanted. He was actually surprised to find her in her room, he was planning to leave a message, but thought he'd check first, just in case she was there for a minute.

“I'm glad I caught you,” he said, sounding pleased and then asked her the question, and she gave him the answer. She was happy that he'd asked, so many other people didn't give the primary physician that courtesy to make the decision.

“I really appreciate your asking me,” she told him. It was why she liked having him cover for her instead of other people. Other relief doctors had screwed up many of her patients while she was gone, and never even bothered to tell her.

“Thanks for saying that,” he said. He sounded busy and happy, and he said he was taking a rare lunch break. “You don't get fat around here, I'll say that much. I haven't run this hard since med school.” In the past he had covered for her at night, or an afternoon, so she could go to dinner, or the theater, or have a glass of wine without worrying about it at a social event. This was the first time he'd done a whole week for her, and he loved it. “You run a great show here,” he said admiringly, “and all your patients love you. It's mighty hard to live up to.”

“They're probably not even asking for me by now.” She smiled. “They're all going to come in asking for Dr. Warner.”

“I should be so lucky.” And as he listened to her, he thought she sounded a little strange, as if she was tired or in bed or had just woken up, or been crying, and it suddenly struck him as odd, and he asked her about it. It was just an instinct, and she was so startled to be asked if she was really all right or upset about something that it silenced her for a moment, and then she started crying again, and couldn't answer. And he heard that too, and suddenly in his head, there were alarm bells.

“Did something happen to one of your friends?” he asked her gently. “Or to you?” He was an extraordinarily intuitive person and that scared her.

“No, no, they're fine,” she said, and then realized she had to ask him about the following week while she had him on the phone, and she decided to try it. “Actually, I was going to call you anyway. We're having such a good time that I was wondering if…” She faltered and pressed onward all in the same breath, hoping he wouldn't notice“… if you could maybe do another week for me, possibly less. But at worst, I'd come home a week from Sunday. I wasn't sure if you were free, or how you felt about it, and I wanted to ask you.”

“I'd love it,” he said quietly, but he had listened to every intonation in her voice and he was convinced she was crying. “But something's wrong, and I want to know what it is so I can help you.”

“Really nothing,” she continued to lie to him. “But can you do another week at the clinic?”

“I told you I would. No problem. But that's not the issue. Zoe, what's wrong? There's always a piece of the puzzle you don't show me. Why are you hiding? What's wrong, baby… I can hear you crying… please don't shut me out… I want to help you.” He was almost crying too, and at her end she was sobbing.

“I can't, Sam… please don't ask me…”

“Why? What is it that's so terrible that you have to hide and carry all your burdens alone?” And then as he asked her, he knew. It was the same thing she saw every day, and he was seeing now. The ultimate scourge, the greatest shame, the final sorrow. She had AIDS. She didn't tell him, but he knew it. “Zoe?” She could hear in his voice that something had happened. And at her end of the phone, she was very quiet. It explained a lot of things, why she wanted no relationship with anyone, why she had looked so ill that day. It happened to a lot of doctors who treated patients with AIDS. You tried to be so careful, but it happened. You made a mistake, someone moved wrong, you stuck a child and pricked yourself, you were tired, you got sloppy, whatever the reason, the result was final. “Zoe?” he said again, and his voice was very gentle. He was only sorry not to be in the same room with her so he could put his arms around her. “Did you stick yourself? I want to know… please…” There was a long, long silence, and then a sigh. It was so hard fighting him. Her secret was out now.

“Yeah… last year… she was a little kid and very wiggly.”

“Oh, God… I knew it. Why didn't you tell me? I've been so stupid, and so have you. What are you doing? Why are you hiding from me? Are you sick now?” He sounded panicked. She had AIDS, and he'd done nothing to help her except cover her practice. His mind and heart were racing. “Are you sick?” he asked her again, sounding still more forceful.

“Kind of. It's not serious, but the doctor here wants me to take it easy for a few days. I think I'll be all right by Monday. He says give it a full week to avoid secondary infection.”

“Listen to the doctor. What is it?” He sounded suddenly clinical and she smiled. “Respiratory?” She didn't sound like it though. Aside from the tears, her voice was normal.

“No, the usual horror that comes with this disease. Raging diarrhea. I really thought I was going to die last night. I'm amazed I didn't.”

“You're not going to die for a long time,” he said matter-of-factly, “I won't let you.”

“I've been through this myself, Sam,” Zoe said sadly. “Don't do this to yourself. Remember, that's how I started in this business. The man I lived with got a bad transfusion. I started the clinic because of him. But it was the hardest thing I ever did, watching him die, and I had a lot of good years with him before that. I won't do that to anyone, and I sure won't start that way. That's starting at the ending. I won't do it.”

“Do you regret you did it? Are you sorry? Do you wish you hadn't been with him?”

“No,” she said clearly. She had loved Adam till the end. But she didn't want Sam to go through what she had gone through.

“What if he had said he wouldn't let you? What if he tried to send you away?”

“He did more than once,” she smiled. “I just didn't listen. I didn't go. I wouldn't have left him,” and as she said it, she thought about what she was saying, and then faltered, “but that was different.” And then she wondered. “I would have felt cheated if I hadn't been there,” she said pensively, thinking of Sam. But in some ways she hardly knew him, in other ways she'd known him forever.

“Why are you trying to cheat me?” he said bluntly, no longer willing to be put off, or pretend, or hide his feelings. “I'm in love with you. I think I have been for years. Maybe even since Stanford. I think in those days I was just too stupid to know it. And once I figured it out, you never gave me the opportunity to say it. But I'm not going to let you stop me now. I want to be there for you… I don't care what this miserable disease does to you… I don't care if you get diarrhea, or sores on your face, or pneumonia. I want to help you stay alive, I want to do your work with you, Zoe… I care about you and Jade… please let me love you… there's too little love in the world, if we've found some, let's share it. Don't throw it away. Your having AIDS doesn't change anything, it doesn't make me not love you, it just means that what we have is more precious. I won't let you throw it away. It means too much to me…” He was crying now, and she was so moved, she couldn't speak through her own tears. “Zoe… I love you… if I weren't covering for you here, I'd get on the next plane and tell you in person, but you'd probably kill me if I did that, and left no one minding the store.” He laughed through his tears then and so did she.

“Yes, I would, so don't you dare leave the clinic.”

“I won't, but otherwise I'd be there tonight. Besides, I miss you. You've already been gone too long,” he complained.

“Sam, how can you be so crazy? How can you do this to yourself?”

“Because you don't get choices about things like this in life. You fall in love with the people you fall in love with. Sorry if it's inconvenient, sorry if you're sick. I could fall in love with some awful woman tomorrow and have her fall under a train. At least you and I know the score here. We have some time, maybe a lot, maybe a little. I'm willing to take what we can get. What about you? Are you going to waste this?”

“You'd have to be so careful.” She was still trying to discourage him, but he wouldn't listen. He was absolutely sure of what he wanted from her.

“Being careful is a small price to pay, isn't it? It's worth it. God, I miss you so much, Zoe. I just want to hold you, and make you happy.”

“Will you work with me? Full-time, I mean, or even part-time?” That was almost as important to her, maybe more so. She had a responsibility to a lot of people, even more than to herself as far as she was concerned. And she needed Sam to help her. But he was more than willing.

“I'll work with you night and day if you want,” he said, and then thought better of it. “Actually, I'll do the night and day stuff, you do a little less, please. And let's take some time for us. I don't want you wearing yourself out anymore. Let's take good care of you. All right? Just like we tell the patients. And you'd better listen to me. In your case, I'm the doctor.”

“Yes, sir,” she smiled, and wiped her eyes again. It had been an emotional morning. She had told her two best friends and Sam, and none of them had let her down, on the contrary, they were three extraordinary human beings. And then Sam startled her yet again.

“Let's get married,” he said, and she couldn't believe what she was hearing. He was truly insane, but she loved him for it. She was smiling broadly when she answered.

“You're certifiable. I won't let you do that.” She was horrified but deeply touched that he would offer.

“I would have wanted to marry you whether you had AIDS or not.” And he meant it.

“But I do, and you don't need to do that to yourself,” she said sadly.

“What if this were one of your patients? I know you. You'd tell them to do whatever made them happy and seemed right to them.”

“How do you know this is right?” she asked gently.

“Because I love you,” he said, praying she'd hear him.

“I love you too,” she said cautiously, “but let's not rush into this, let's take it slowly.” He liked what she was saying, because it meant she thought she had some time to make decisions, and that meant she was optimistic, which was important. But he really did want to marry her. But he knew he might convince her more easily in person.

“I'm awfully glad I called you today,” he said happily. “I got advice about a patient, a job, full-time preferably, and possibly a wife. This was a very fruitful conversation,” he said, and she laughed.

“I can't believe I left a lunatic like you in charge of my clinic.”

“Neither can I. But your patients love me. Think how happy they'll be when we're Dr. and Dr. Warner.”

“I have to take your name too?” She was laughing. She really did love him. She had been so fond of him for so long, but she had never allowed her feelings for him to move forward. She had been too busy taking care of her patients to let herself be anything more than a doctor, and mother,

“You can call yourself anything you like if you marry me,” Sam told her magnanimously. “I'm very openminded.”

“You're crazy,” and then she grew serious for a moment, although they were both in good spirits. “Thank you, Sam… I think you're wonderful,” she said honestly, “and I really do love you,” she said softly. “It scared me before how much I liked you, but I was determined not to get you into a mess like this. And you walked yourself right into it. You can still change your mind if you want.”

“I'm here forever,” he said calmly.

“I wish I were,” she said sadly.

“You might be. If I have anything to do with it, you will.”

“At least my work will be… and the clinic… and Jade… and you… and my friends…”

“If you ask me, it sounds like a lot to stick around for.”

“I'll do everything I can, Sam. I promise.”

“Good. Then get a lot of rest while you're there and come back healthy, and check yourself into the hospital if the diarrhea doesn't stop.”

“It has,” she said, and that reassured him.

“Drink a lot of fluids.”

“I know. I'm a doctor. Don't worry. I'll be good. I swear.”

“I love you.” It was odd. It was so totally unexpected. He was so happy suddenly. She loved him. She had AIDS, it was terrible news, and yet in some crazy way he was happy, and so was Zoe. She was still smiling when Mary Stuart and Tanya came in later after lunch to check her.

“What happened to you?” Tanya asked suspiciously. “You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.”

“I talked to Sam. He's going to come to work at the clinic full-time.”

“Wow, that's terrific,” Mary Stuart said enthusiastically, she knew what a relief that was for Zoe.

“No, no, wait… she's lying,” Tanya said, narrowing her eyes and looking at their old buddy. “There's more, and she's not telling.”

“No, there's not.” But she was laughing as she said it. It was a far cry from the intensity and sorrow of the morning.

“What else did he say?” Zoe was grinning from ear to ear as she tried to avoid Tanya's question.

“Nothing. I told him,” she hesitated, looking more serious suddenly, “that I was positive.” She hated to say the words, and then she looked at her friends with wide eyes filled with disbelief, still unable to believe what he had said to her at lunchtime.

“What did he say to you?” Mary Stuart asked gently, and Zoe turned to her with a broad smile of amazement.

“He asked me to marry him. Can you believe that?” The other women's jaws dropped, and they looked at her in delighted disbelief, but it was Tanya who spoke first.

“Let's get you healthy so you can go home to this guy, before someone else grabs him. He sounds terrific.”

“He really is.” Zoe had no idea what she was going to do yet. But she was going to be with him, and work with him, and let herself experience everything that life offered her, and if he really wanted to marry her, then maybe she would. But whether or not she married him, she knew she loved him, and that was the most important thing.

“Well, I'll be damned,” Mary Stuart said, enormously impressed by Dr. Sam Warner.

The three of them talked about it for a little while, and then Mary Stuart and Tanya went out for the afternoon, since Zoe seemed to be doing so much better. Hartley and Mary Stuart went for a hike that afternoon, and talked about a number of things, especially Zoe and a man who was brave enough to marry a woman he loved and knew was dying. They both thought it was an extraordinary gesture, and they loved him for it.

And Tanya went out riding with Gordon. They were lucky that day. No one else in her party wanted to ride, Hartley was on the hike with Mary Stuart, and the doctors from Chicago had gone fishing that afternoon, so they were actually alone, without even planning it. Gordon took her to a waterfall in the mountains, on horseback, and they dismounted for a while, and lay in the tall grass among the wildflowers while he held her and they kissed, and it took a superhuman effort not to let it go any further, but they wanted to move as slowly as they could, despite the limited time they had. They already felt as though they were on an express train. But it was the most beautiful afternoon of her life, as she lay looking up at him, and then he lay next to her, and they looked at the mountains. They walked for a while, hand in hand, leading their horses, talking about their childhoods, and they talked about Zoe too, and Sam's remarkable love for her. They were brave people in a hard world. And in her own way, Tanya was too. She had come a long way in her life, and now suddenly, there was someone solid and warm and kind beside her. It frightened her a little bit to think of what the press would make of it, and she tried to warn him of the damage they could do, the hurt they could inflict, but he didn't seem to care, and he told Tanya to look around them.

“As long as we have this, how can you care about all that? It is so unimportant. We're all that matters, and what we are to each other.”

“And if we don't have this anymore?” she asked, looking around her, and thinking of going back to California.

“We will,” he said quietly, “we have to. As long as we have something here, a place we can come to, to get sane again, maybe the rest of that insanity won't matter.” It was an interesting idea, and she liked it. Maybe he was right, and she should buy a place in Wyoming. She could certainly afford it. She could even sell the house in Malibu. It was huge, and she almost never went there.

“I feel as though I'm standing on the edge of a whole new life,” she said, as they stood on a bluff, looking out over the valley. They could see buffalo, and elk, and cattie, and horses. It was an amazing sight, and she could see easily why he loved it.

“You are standing on the edge of a new life,” he said calmly, and then he turned her toward him again, put his arms around her, and kissed her.