At Peace

Chapter Eleven Big Purple Bow

I woke up, opened my eyes, lifted my head and looked up at Joe.

When I did, he dipped his chin and his beautiful, clear, sky blue eyes locked with mine.

He was wide awake.

I was pressed to his side, my thigh thrown over his and his arm was curled around my waist. His other arm was cocked, his head resting on his hand.

“Hi,” I whispered.

He looked at the clock then at me.

“I’m on my back, buddy.”

I closed my eyes and dropped my head, planting my face in his chest.

What the hell was I doing?

I didn’t know but I knew what I was going to be doing.

I moved my face so my mouth was on him. Then I moved my body so it was straddling his. I slid down, enjoying what I was doing more and more, got close to my goal but he pulled me up so I was face-to-face with him.

“You gonna wrap your mouth around me?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

His hands tugged at the tee I was wearing.

“You suck my dick, baby, you do it naked.”

I shifted, excitement gathering tight between my legs at his words then I sat up, still straddling him and pulled off his tee while he watched. Then I slid to the side, pulling down and kicking off my panties then I straddled him again, looking down.

“Happy?” I asked.

His hands spanned my ribs and he grinned.

“Yeah.”

“Do you mind if I carry on?” I asked.

“Have at it,” Joe invited.

I shook my head.

Then I had at him with my mouth then, when I knew he was close because his hands holding back my hair so he could watch became fists, I released him and positioned myself over him. Wrapping my hand around his cock, I guided it inside and then I rode him, one hand in the bed for leverage, one at his chest for contact. Both of his hands were at my hips, coaxing, encouraging.

“You don’t hurry, Vi, I’m takin’ over,” he warned, his deep voice hoarse.

“No you aren’t, this is my turn.”

“Your turn’s gonna come with my fingers or my mouth not my cock, you don’t hurry.”

I wanted it from his cock so I rode him harder and he groaned.

“Christ, buddy, that ain’t helpin’.”

I leaned down and kissed him, still moving, Joe slid a hand between us and pressed a finger hard against my clit then that finger rolled.

I came instantly, moaning his name into his mouth.

“Thank Christ,” he groaned back and then his hips surged up and he came too.

I collapsed on top of him and both his arms wrapped around me, one going to my hair, pulling it away from my face then tangling in it and staying there.

“You gotta go home, baby,” he told me but he kept me locked in his arms.

“In a minute.”

“Vi, the girls.”

“They sleep late in the summer. Sometimes Keira sleeps until eleven.”

His arms gave me a squeeze. “Honey, the neighbors.”

I blinked and my eyes with a view to his neck saw nothing.

He’d never called me “honey”.

I pulled myself together and whispered, “Joe, baby, in a minute.”

His arms gave me another squeeze and he muttered, “Not me who gives a shit.”

I couldn’t help it, I grinned.

Then I thought I was lying with Joe in his bed in the house where his son died, his father died and his ex-junkie-wife had committed criminally negligent involuntary manslaughter.

How he could be here, I didn’t know, I couldn’t imagine.

But I hated him there. He should sell that house. Why he didn’t and then never came back, I had no clue.

Then I wondered what I was doing there.

But I knew. Stupid me, coming home last night after a great night with Mike, great, the best, dumping my purse, going to my room, slipping off my shoes and lying on top of my covers, staring at the ceiling and thinking of Mike then my mind shifted against my will and I started thinking of Joe over here, in this house, this goddamned house, filled with memories of tragedy, and he was all alone.

I couldn’t fix him, I knew it, but here I was trying to do it.

Joe’s hand sifted through my hair then his fingertips came to my hairline and did it again, holding it back as he twisted his neck so his mouth could get to my ear.

“You’re stayin’, buddy, got a mind to eat you,” he murmured.

I shivered.

He never quit but I didn’t mind, not at all, I was freaking addicted to it.

I lifted my head but Joe’s hand didn’t leave my hair.

“I should go back,” I said, not moving.

“Yeah,” Joe replied, “you should.”

I still didn’t move. Neither did Joe.

“Vi,” he called.

“What?” I asked.

Slowly, he smiled.

Then he rolled me to my back.

After awhile, I didn’t know why I was always whining to be on top.

Being on my back was just fine.

I slid out of Joe’s bed and pulled on his tee.

“Buddy, you keep stealin’ my tees, I won’t have any left.”

I nabbed my undies and stepped into them, my head up looking at him as I did.

“You gave me the first,” I reminded him.

“You stole the next two,” he returned.

“I only stole one.”

“You’re wearin’ number two.”

I couldn’t believe he was keeping track.

“I’ll send Keira and Kate to the mall to buy you new ones.”

“Christ, don’t do that. Fuck knows what they’ll come back with.”

I gathered my clothes, tucked them in my arm and looked at him in bed, scarred belly and pectoral on display, but then so was his chest. It was nice, all of it, very nice, even though the sheet was pulled up to his waist. If it wasn’t then the view would have been nicer.

“They take direction,” I told him.

“When I was at the mall with you, Keira picked a bunch of shit for me. One of the shirts had fuckin’ flowers on it.”

A little giggle escaped me at the idea of Joe wearing a shirt with flowers on it.

“And it was pink,” Joe finished and a much bigger, louder giggle burst out of me.

“You’d look good in pink,” I told him when I stopped giggling.

“Lucky you’re outta arm’s reach, buddy, or I’d smack your ass.”

I grinned at him then I blurted, “It’s Sunday.”

“So?”

“Sunday’s pancake day.”

His face closed down and he muttered, “Buddy.”

“Offer’s on the table, Joe. That’s all I’m sayin’,” I told him quickly, got close, put a hand in the bed and touched my mouth to his but when I pulled slightly away, I finished, “and I make fucking good pancakes.”

Then, fast as I could, I straightened and moved out of the room.

There it was again, me acting stupid, trying to fix Joe.

I tried not to look at his house as I moved through it but even though I tried, I saw that it was likely he hadn’t changed a thing. It was tidy, even clean, though the thought of Joe cleaning was worthy of another giggle, it was true. But it was dated and drab, much more dated than seventeen years ago. I figured the house hadn’t changed since Joe’s Mom died, whenever that was but by the looks of things it was a long time ago.

I went to his sliding glass door and out, hustling across the deck, down the steps but I caught movement. I looked across Joe’s yard, my yard and I saw Tina Blackstone in her yard, wearing a nightie and a robe, watering the flowers in her big, half-barrel, wooden tubs on her deck.

She was watering her flowers but her eyes weren’t on her flowers, they were on me and even a yard away, I saw her mouth hanging open.

Shit!

I waved casually to her, rethinking way too late wearing Joe’s tee seeing as, if I was in my clothes, she wouldn’t know that I was over at Joe’s house, having sex with Joe, but now she couldn’t help but know. She couldn’t miss it.

But who would have thought Tina would be out in her yard on a Sunday morning before eight o’clock watering her flowers?

Her flowers were nice which was surprising, she didn’t seem the type to have a green thumb or even give a shit. They weren’t as nice as mine but they were nice. Still, it was Sunday. Even I, before Joe, wasn’t out on a Sunday before eight o’clock watering my flowers.

I headed to my side door, fumbling with my jeans skirt to pull out the key and remote, hitting the remote so my sensors would go off and then struggling with my key. Seeing Tina had weirded me out and right then I was certain everyone would see me.

I got into the house, rearmed the alarm and shot to my room.

Then I took a shower and got ready for my day. I had the afternoon shift at the garden center and I needed to talk to Bobbie about changing the schedule so I could have next weekend off for Sam and Melissa.

After a load of laundry went in and I’d checked my e-mail, Kate and Keira got up. They were still in their pjs on the stools at the bar. Kate was wearing a big t-shirt and a pair of slouchy pajama bottoms. Keira was wearing a camisole and a pair of slouchy pajama bottoms. Kate’s hair was down and partly tangled from sleep. Keira’s hair was in a messy ponytail at the very top of her head. I was at the stove, flipping the first batch of pancakes when Keira made a strange gurgling noise.

Thinking she was choking on orange juice, I turned to her but she had an alarm remote in her hand and her eyes on the side kitchen door.

She jumped off her stool, hit some buttons on the remote and screeched, “Joe!”

I whirled to the door and stood staring at it, spatula in hand as Keira unlocked it, yanked the door open and Joe was standing there. I’d seen him through the window of the door but seeing him standing there, full-body, my breath, already stopped, escaped me.

“I don’t know why you’re here but you have to have some of Mom’s pancakes. They’re better than her cupcakes,” Keira announced.

“That good?” Joe asked, his eyes on me.

Keira grabbed his hand and tugged him in, lying, “Yeah, definitely.”

“Hey Joe,” Kate greeted.

“Hey girl,” Joe greeted back.

“You can sit on my stool,” Keira offered.

“We should sit at the table, seein’ as there’s so many of us, I’ll get the plates,” Kate decided.

“Girl –” Joe started but Kate was on the move and Keira had dropped his hand and was charging into the kitchen to help Kate.

I was still staring at Joe.

The girls exited the room balancing plates, cutlery, napkins, butter and maple syrup as Joe came to me.

“Can your girls take over pancakes?” he asked, his face serious and seeing it, something ugly slid through me.

I nodded.

“Kate,” he called, looking into the dining area, “take over here, yeah?”

She looked through the opening of the bar at Joe then at me then she nodded to Joe.

Joe took the spatula out of my hand, put it on the counter and then he took my hand and dragged me to my bedroom.

He closed the door and looked down at me.

Then he lifted his hands, both of them, and settled them where my shoulders met my neck.

“I’m not here for pancakes,” he told me.

I nodded, staring up at him.

“But I’m stayin’ for pancakes.”

I nodded again, still staring.

“Went out, looked to your house, you had a box at the steps to your front door.”

Damn. I knew it.

“White?” I asked. “Big purple bow?”

I watched as his face went hard then he nodded. “Big bow, big box.”

“Did you get it gone?”

“Yeah, it’s in my house. Called Colt.”

I nodded again.

“That his thing?” Joe asked.

“Yeah.”

“It’s Sunday,” he told me.

“Yeah.”

“He ever do his thing on Sunday?”

“No.” His hands gave me a squeeze and I asked, “What’s that mean?”

“Don’t know.” He was watching me closely then he asked, “How solid are you right now?”

“Not very.”

He hesitated then nodded and said, “All right.”

“Why?”

“Later.”

“No, I need it to hit me all at once so I can deal with it and move on, not spread it out. Spreading it out is bad so, even though I’m freaked, I want to know.”

“Sure?”

I nodded.

His hands at my neck slid up to my jaws and he pulled me close, dipping his chin so he was close too.

“Box was just out of sensor range,” Joe told me.

“What?” I asked.

“Box was out of sensor range. I got sensors set so even if someone approaches the door, you know in the house, a preliminary alarm goes off so you’re aware. Remember, I told you that.”

I nodded, I remembered.

“You set the alarms for sleep, which I’m guessing you did when you came to me last night…” he let that hang and I nodded again.

He had bunches of settings for the sensors, including one for when we were awake but in the house so, say, the postman came, or perhaps Kenzie Elise, we didn’t jump out of our skins because the preliminary alarm went off. But, in the middle of the night, no one should be lurking at our doors, so we had what he called a sleep setting too. It set off an alarm that we could hear, and Joe and Colt could too so they could investigate (and the bad guy could get the hint and go away), but only sent a message to dispatch if the doors and windows were breached or one of us didn’t turn the alarm off before the timer ran down on the message being sent to dispatch.

Joe went on. “Anyone got close, the sensors would trip. Whoever put that box out there knows how the sensors are set.”

“But you can see them,” I reminded him.

“Box was just out of sensor range,” he repeated.

“You said that.”

“You can see them, buddy, but you can’t see the range.”

I sucked in breath, realizing what this meant.

“It’s a message, Vi,” Joe whispered, like whispering would soften the blow. “He’s tellin’ you he knows my system.”

In other words, Daniel Hart was telling me he could get to me.

“Joe,” I whispered.

“He can’t bypass it,” Joe stated.

“He knows it then he can bypass it.”

“He can’t.”

“But, Joe, he knows –”

“Vi, he’d have to shut down the electrical grid for the entire fuckin’ county to bypass my system.”

I blinked at him then I asked, “Really?”

“Yeah. That wirin’ Chip fucked up?” he asked and I nodded yet again. “There you go,” he finished secretively, not enlightening me any further to the method to his madness that made him Security to the Stars.

“Why has he not done anything for weeks and now a box?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” Joe answered.

“Should I tell my girls?”

“Don’t know.”

He was full of it, he might not know but he had an opinion.

“You never know what’s right with kids, you just wing it so what do you think? Should I tell the girls?” I pressed.

He sighed and his hands slid from my jaw to my neck and down my back so he was holding me loosely in his arms.

“They’re smart, they’re aware of the situation, they love you. Think they’d be pissed, buddy, you didn’t clue them in.”

I nodded. He was right, even though I wasn’t certain I’d do it seeing as I was a Mom and didn’t want to freak them out more than they already were.

“What was in the box?” I asked.

“Didn’t open it, Colt’s comin’ to get it. You got a restraining order against him; he shouldn’t be sendin’ you gifts. You got the RO in Illinois, I need to check with Colt to see if the RO is in effect in the State of Indiana, likely is. We’ll be havin’ a conversation about that later and they’re gonna go over the box, maybe they can lift a print, lean on him for breaking the RO.”

“Hart wouldn’t make that mistake with the prints.”

Joe sighed, his arms gave me a gentle squeeze then he said, “I know.”

I stood in his arms, feeling both pissed that this had started again and it just never seemed to freaking go away and feeling scared because this was back, it was here, in this safe little town and it just never seemed to freaking go away.

“I’ll be over for your seafood, buddy,” he said.

I focused on Joe and blinked.

“What?”

“Your brother and his woman, you’re making your seafood shit, I’ll be here.”

Was he inviting himself over for a family dinner?

“Um…” I mumbled.

“I get to know him at dinner, we have a nice night, move it to J&J’s. I ask him to play a game of pool, have a word.”

Oh. He wasn’t wanting to be part of the family dinner, he was thinking about doing the favor I asked him to do.

This was both nice and disappointing.

“Okay, we’ll be doing that Saturday.”

“I’ll be here.”

I nodded again and told him, “Tina Blackstone saw me coming out of your house this morning.”

He stared at me a second then he muttered, “Great.”

I tilted my head to the side and asked, “Thought you didn’t care?”

His eyes locked with mine and he said, “Don’t, but you do and that means I gotta walk over to that bitch’s house and lay it out for her. Don’t like her, don’t wanna walk over there and lay it out for her.”

“Lay it out for her?”

“Tell her she keeps her mouth shut or it’ll piss me off. Lay it out for her,” he explained.

I stared at him, feeling his hard, warm chest under his tee where my hands were resting thinking that it was a miracle how he could be so detached and so involved at the same time. Protecting me and the girls in a variety of ways, taking care of us in other ways and yet, at the same time, in a weird way, holding himself apart and not really being there.

Suddenly he asked, “Your walls thin?”

“What?” I asked back, confused at his strange question.

He tipped his head to the wall that connected my room to the rest of the house. “At my place, buddy, the walls are paper thin. Same here?”

I looked over my shoulder at the wall.

My room had been built as an extension so the side wall used to be the back wall of the house. The rest of the house the walls were paper thin. If I was in the kitchen or living room, I could hear the girls in their rooms. If I was in my room, nothing, as evidenced when Kenzie Elise rang the doorbell.

“This is an extension,” I told him.

“Know that, Vi,” he told me.

“That wall is pretty solid.”

He looked at the wall then back at me and he nodded.

“Why?”

“Don’t want your girls to hear me comin’ in. Really don’t want them to hear me fuckin’ you.”

I felt my breath catch.

Then I whispered, “What?”

“He’s playin’ his games with you, first, you aren’t gonna wanna leave your girls here alone, second, I don’t want them here alone. So, I gotta come to you.”

And there it was again, detached but involved.

A miracle.

“Joe –”

“What time do they go to sleep?”

“Joe –”

His loose arms tightened. “What time, buddy?”

He wasn’t going to let it go so I answered, “Ten, but they aren’t out until eleven. I mean, Keira is. She likes her sleep and drops off immediately. Kate texts Dane for awhile and listens to music but she’s usually out by eleven.”

“I’ll wait until after eleven.”

“Joe –”

“You want me to stay away?” he asked and I didn’t, I knew I didn’t, which was totally fucked up.

“No.”

“You got a key to the sliding glass door?”

“I did but I’ve lost it.”

“Find it,” he ordered.

“Okay,” I whispered, throwing my bid for Mother of the Year in the garbage.

“I’ll come in, they won’t hear me. I’ll be gone before they get up. They’ll never know I’m here,” Joe assured me.

I figured that was true. Even when I was awake, Joe could sneak up on me.

“Okay.”

His voice got low and tight, like he was forcing out what he was saying and I knew why when he admitted, “Don’t like that shit, Vi. Us next door sleepin’, some fuckwad comin’ to your house while the girls are here, droppin’ off gifts.”

Shit, that was a lot more involved than it was detached.

Why did he constantly give me mixed signals? It was driving me up the freaking wall.

“I don’t either,” I agreed.

“So, we do our thing here.”

“Okay.”

He looked at the door. “How you gonna play it with the girls?”

I took in a deep breath then I let it out. “Don’t know yet. I need to think about it.”

He nodded, telling me he’d keep it quiet then he said, “Pancakes.”

“Yeah.”

He let me go, took my hand and walked me out of my room.

I sat in my car, doors locked like Joe ordered me to keep them and I stared at Bobbie’s Garden Center.

I was early for work and I had a lot on my mind, a lot I needed to get sorted before I clocked in.

Earlier, Joe and I had left my room only to smell bacon cooking.

The smell hit me; it was an emotional hit, instant and hard.

Since Tim died, the girls and I had pancakes, not bacon, the pancakes enough to fill us up.

On pancake Sunday when Tim was alive, we had bacon because Tim liked bacon and pancakes weren’t enough to fill him up.

The girls had made bacon for Joe.

Me having a conversation with Joe in my bedroom was not normal, in fact, it’d never happened but the girls didn’t comment. They didn’t ask questions. They just threw us looks, waiting for me or Joe to share. We didn’t and, surprisingly, they let it go.

Like when Sam was there, Joe took Tim’s seat and this hit me hard too. Minutes later, it hit me harder because the girls again didn’t seem to mind. They acted like Joe sat there all the time. They didn’t act like this was strange or uncomfortable. They were animated, talkative, not desperately so, naturally, even Kate.

And as we settled into eating, I found I liked this, like I liked it when Tim was alive and we had pancake Sunday. Family sitting around the table, eating, talking about the week they had, the week to come.

Joe also seemed at ease. Not talkative, Joe wasn’t talkative but, in his mostly non-verbal way, he encouraged the girls to do it.

Keira I knew had designs on Joe for me because she liked him and she wanted him to know she liked him. Therefore she chatted enthusiastically with Joe about every subject under the sun. None of these subjects Joe had even a hint of interest in, he couldn’t, it was teenage girl stuff, but he never let on that he didn’t.

It was Kate who surprised me. When she got to talking about some of the bands she liked, Joe told her he knew their music, he hadn’t met them like The Buckley Boys, but he listened to the bands she liked. I could tell he liked Kate’s taste and I could tell Kate liked this music, more than I expected. She was really into it and she enjoyed sharing that with Joe since he liked their music too. But it was more, she seemed to take his approval of her taste as praise and she blossomed under it, I saw her do it right over pancakes.

Joe left, we did the dishes and, as the girls got ready for their day, I searched for the key to the sliding glass door. I found it in the junk drawer in the kitchen, having no clue how it got there since keys went on the hook by the side door, but I suspected Keira was the culprit mostly because she always was.

Before I went to work, I took it over to Joe’s.

I knocked on his front door, wanting to give the impression, should anyone be watching, that this was a friendly neighborly visit, rather than getting caught by someone while I snuck around the back which would indicate a very friendly neighborly visit.

When Joe opened the door he was wearing nothing but loose athletic shorts and expensive looking running shoes and he was sweating a lot. He destroyed my neighborly visit ploy by grabbing my hand, yanking me into the house and slamming the door.

I saw a bunch of weights in the living room I hadn’t noticed before, a weight bench pulled into the center of the room. He was working out.

Um… yum.

I looked from the bench to him and, holding the key up between us, I said, “Key.”

His hand closed on the key, his other hand nabbed me around the back of my neck, his head came down and he kissed me, hard and long.

I was breathing heavily, my hands on his sweat slicked chest when his head came up.

“Great pancakes, buddy,” he murmured then let me go, turned away and walked to the kitchen like he hadn’t just laid a huge kiss on me, one that made my knees weak and my breath heavy.

I tried to get my head together and my body under control as I heard the key hit his kitchen counter, he went back to the weight bench and grabbed a bottle of water. He tipped his head back to take a long swallow and I walked to his kitchen, washed his sweat from my hands and then walked to the front door.

“Bye, Joe,” I called, my hand at the door and his eyes hit me.

“Tonight, buddy,” was his farewell.

I nodded and walked to my car.

I was getting in deep and I knew it. I liked him and I liked him more every time I was with him. Now I liked that my girls obviously liked him.

But that wasn’t where it could go, not for Joe who was happy with me sleeping in his bed after I’d been out on a date with another guy, something I wasn’t happy with, something that hurt.

And I knew it would never go there unless I fixed him and I had no idea how to fix him but I had the strong suspicion that trying would be even more heartbreaking because I suspected, no matter what I tried, I’d fail. It might even be devastating when I failed, not only for me, but for my girls who’d said a lot when they cooked Joe bacon.

I looked at my purse, reached out and pulled out my cell.

Then I continued on my path of doing stupid, crazy, selfish shit that made me a bad person.

I slid it open, scrolled down to “Mike’s cell”, a number I’d programmed into my phone after he called me the first time. Then I hit go.

It rang once, only once, when Mike answered.

“You all right?” he asked as a greeting.

He knew about the box.

“You know about the box,” I said just to confirm.

“Colt called. I’m at the Station now. They’re goin’ over it for prints.”

Shit. He’d gone into the Station on his day off because he heard about my box.

“They find anything?” I asked.

“They’ve lifted a few, gotta put them in the system.”

“Okay.”

“You all right?” Mike repeated.

“No.”

His voice was gentle when he said, “Sweetheart.”

I sighed into the phone.

“Where are you now?” he asked.

“What?” I asked back.

“I’ll come get you. We’ll go get lunch or a coffee at Mimi’s or somethin’.”

He didn’t want me to be alone and freaked, more clear cut evidence he was a nice guy, a good guy, maybe a great guy. More clear cut evidence that I was a terrible person, keeping him on a string instead of cutting him loose until I figured out where my head was at and could give him what Joe called “a clear run”.

“I’m at the garden center, I have an afternoon shift,” I told him.

“I’ll come over tonight,” he told me.

I closed my eyes and sighed again.

I didn’t need Joe at the breakfast table and Mike at the dinner table. Further, my girls didn’t need that.

“As far’s I know, both girls are home tonight, Mike, and I’m not sure they’re ready for that,” I said softly.

“Your call, sweetheart, but you want company or need to talk, you know how to find me.”

“Thanks, um… actually, that’s why I’m calling.”

“Yeah?”

“Well,” I started, “see, I haven’t told the girls about the box and I don’t know if I should. They saw the flowers but they don’t know about the box. They acted okay after the initial freak out of the flowers but I know it bothered them. Nothing’s happened in awhile and back home in Chicago, the flowers, gifts and visits were regular. They might think it’s tailing off and, well…” I closed my eyes tight again then opened them and finished, “I’m a Mom, Mike, I don’t want them to have to worry about this but I don’t want them to forget to be vigilant or to be angry with me that I kept this from them. They’re not adults but they’re not young anymore. I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t tell them,” Mike advised immediately and I blinked at this advice, which was contradictory to Joe’s.

“You think?”

“This shit was goin’ down with Audrey, I’d tell Jonas, but no way in hell I’d tell Clarisse.”

“Why not?”

“Know you’re strong, figure you got strong girls, you’ve all been through a lot. But girls are girls, boys are boys. Jonas would want to do his bit, even if it couldn’t be much, to take care of his Mom. He’s gotta learn to be a man and, you’re unlucky enough that shit like this comes up, that’s the way you learn. Clarisse needs her head filled with thoughts about butterflies and teenage vampires for as long as she can think about butterflies and teenage vampires.”

Like Kate and Keira were to Tim, Clarisse was Daddy’s Little Girl.

I felt my stomach flutter.

But I said, “That’s kinda sexist, Mike.”

He didn’t take offense, mainly because he didn’t agree with me and he thought he was right.

I knew this because he said firmly, “That’s the way it is, honey.”

I didn’t reply as it hit me. I’d asked him because he was Mike, he was a parent but I also asked him because his opinion would likely be the same as what Tim’s opinion would be if he’d been alive. He might not know my girls like Joe did, but it was important to me to know what Tim would do and Mike just told me. It was good to know, except now I was more confused than ever at what to do with the girls because, even knowing, I wasn’t certain I agreed. It wasn’t like I agreed with everything Tim thought either.

Mike went on. “But, I don’t know your girls. You gotta do whatever you think is right, and Vi?” he called my name and stopped talking.

“Yeah?”

“Whatever you do will be right, sweetheart.”

I felt tears fill my eyes because this, just this, was exactly what I needed to hear and I whispered, “Thanks, honey.”

“I wanna see you, make sure you’re all right. I’ll stop by Bobbie’s sometime today.”

“Okay,” I agreed immediately, selfishly and stupidly.

“Got the kids this week, but they’re all over the place all the time so I could take you to Frank’s one night this week.”

“I don’t know my schedule, my brother and his girlfriend are coming into town next weekend and I’ve gotta ask Bobbie for a change.”

“Find out, you can tell me when I stop by.”

“Okay,” I agreed, again immediately, selfishly and stupidly then I said, “I have to get to work.”

“All right, I’ll let you go,” he replied then said softly, “Hang in there, honey.”

“I’ll try.”

“Later, sweetheart.”

“Later, Mike.”

I slid my phone shut and tapped it on my forehead.

Then I dropped it in my purse, unlocked my doors and hurried into work.

After work, I walked into J&J’s.

My girls were out for the evening, Kate with Dane, Keira with a pack of friends who’d scheduled a last minute movie that one of her friends’ Dad’s was crazy enough to take a pack of girls to. I had my visit from Mike at the Garden Center and we’d set dinner for Tuesday. Bobbie cleared me for the weekend, I had Sunday off anyway and she knew she’d been leaning on me a lot. I never asked for anything so she rearranged the schedule and gave me the time I needed.

Now with a clear night, I decided I needed girlfriend advice.

I’d thought to go home, pour a glass of wine and call one of my friends in Chicago. I was closer to them obviously, though our communication via e-mail, texts and phone calls had trailed off as well when my job went full-time, not to mention overtime. But they knew me, most of them for ages, and they’d give good advice.

But they all also knew Tim and loved him and I wasn’t certain how they’d feel about me moving on, especially how I was doing that. They were my friends, they’d want to help, I knew that, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t share this, what was happening, how I was behaving and I was worried how they’d react and what they’d think of me.

And they didn’t know Joe.

Feb, her sister-in-law Dee and Cheryl were all working, as was Darryl and I was relieved that both Feb and Cheryl were there. Perfect.

“How’s tricks, babe?” Cheryl called as I walked down to Colt’s end of the bar and sat on the stool next to his empty one.

“In-freaking-sane,” I told her honestly, her eyes got big, Dee and Feb were also both looking at me and the minute I said this they moved as a pack to my end of the bar.

It was Sunday at J&J’s, a Sunday in the summer. There were a few people in, not many, regulars who couldn’t care less if it was summer and sunny. They were, as usual, camped out for the long haul.

“You want a drink?” Dee asked me when she hit my end of the bar.

“Diet Coke,” I answered.

“Girl, your face says shot of tequila,” Cheryl noted, staring at me closely.

“That bad?” I asked.

Feb leaned her elbows on the bar and looked into my eyes. “What’s up, Vi? Is it the box?”

Colt had told Feb about the box too. I wasn’t surprised. Tim had told me everything about work. I didn’t know if this was allowed and I never asked because I didn’t want him to think he needed to stop but I never breathed a word to anyone about anything he said. The shit he saw, the shit people did, he had to let it go and I was that sponge that could soak it out of him, find a way to ring myself dry but let him go back to work feeling clean.

“No, not really, it’s…” I looked at the three of them. I didn’t know Dee all that well but I couldn’t exactly ask her to take a hike. This was her bar.

But I couldn’t stay locked in my head anymore.

I needed to unlock the door and head out but before I did that, I needed direction.

So the minute Dee placed my Diet Coke on the bar, I started talking and I told them everything, in somewhat explicit detail, about Joe and me; Mike and me; Joe and the girls; Mike and his house, dog and being a good guy; Joe’s terrible history and our fucked up status; Mike’s not-as-terrible but still-not-great history and our confusing status.

By the time I was done talking, all three were leaning toward me, their forearms on the bar.

“Lose the neighbor,” Cheryl advised the minute I stopped speaking.

Feb’s head turned to her, Cheryl sandwiched shoulder to shoulder in the middle of her and Dee, and her eyebrows shot up when she asked, “What?”

“Not worth it,” Cheryl decreed, “been there, done that, got the fuckin’ t-shirt and it didn’t fit so I threw the motherfucker out.”

“Cal’s a good guy,” Feb stated.

“Yeah, he is and he’s provin’ that. Still, he’s fucked up and a man stays fucked up for seventeen years, even Wonder Woman couldn’t fix his shit,” Cheryl replied.

“I’ve heard that story and, Cheryl, girl, you gotta admit, there’s a reason that kind of thing would fuck him up for seventeen years,” Dee put in.

“Yeah, not sayin’ that. Story breaks my heart and I barely know the guy. But Vi’s got other priorities and I orchestrated a come to Jesus, not to mention, Mike asked her out right in front of him. He had no reaction, he’s happy for her to play the field, a man like that?” Cheryl flipped her hand out. “He’s stayin’ stuck in his hole and he ain’t goin’ nowhere,” she asserted.

Feb’s eyes came to me. “A good woman puts in the effort, knowin’ Cal, she might get a helluva reward.”

“She might get her heart busted too,” Cheryl returned and Feb looked at her.

“I think, what he did with this Bonnie, if he’s got a good woman, that kind of energy he gave to Bonnie turned to her and her kids and it was for good things, not somethin’ like keepin’ a junkie clean, Cheryl, can you imagine?” Feb asked.

“Yeah, I can and I have and it isn’t imagination, Feb, trust me, babe, it’s fantasy land,” Cheryl shot back.

“Morrie likes Cal,” Dee said. “So does Jack. Jack thinks he’s the shit. I heard him say once that, even when Cal was a kid he was sharp as a tack, damn near a genius. Said it was a waste, kid that intelligent was bein’ raised by a drunk. Said Cal had it better growin’ up, he’d be in a different place right now.”

This both surprised me and didn’t. I had an inkling that Joe was more than Joe let on he was because he was very wise, had a secretary, casually valet parked his car, owned a place in Florida and everyone knew the kind of clientele he had. People like that didn’t call on any average guy to set up their systems for them. They called on the best because they could afford to pay for the best.

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Cheryl asked. “Morrie and Jack like Mike too.”

“Just pointing out the facts,” Dee replied.

“Fact is, he’s hot. Fact is, he’s got a thing for Vi that runs deep enough for him to do what he’ll allow himself to do to take care of her and her girls. And the fact is, what he’ll allow himself to do is not what she needs,” Cheryl retorted to Dee and looked at me. “You got one life and the minute you popped out those babies, you gave yourself one priority in that life. You take care of you. If you take care of you then the rest will slot into place for those girls. They’ll learn, watchin’ you, that they gotta put themselves first, do what’s right for their peace of mind, find out what they need and settle for nothin’ less. Trust me on this, Vi, ‘cause I’ve lived the nightmare. You can’t live your life for someone else, you can’t go out there fixin’ all the men whose hearts are broken. That’s livin’ for someone else when you gotta be livin’ for you.” She leaned further into me and said softly, “You came in here knowin’ the answer to your question, babe, and you know it. He’s sexy as all hell, he makes you feel good and he gives it to you regular. You like it but that’s all you’re gonna get and you had everything once, you know how that feels and you also know you won’t settle for less.”

I just stared at her, silent. Not that I was participating in the conversation but I had nothing to say.

Because I knew she was right.

She kept talking. “You play with him as long as you want, your gut will tell you when the time is up. And you’re doin’ right, keepin’ Mike on that string. He’s hot too and gorgeous and you don’t want him to move on while you’re sorting your head out. You want him right where he needs to be when you’re ready to reel him in.”

“That’s selfish,” I whispered.

“That’s lookin’ out for you. Not one fuckin’ thing selfish about that and, you been honest, he knows the score and he told you flat out he’s willin’ to hang around. And he’s willin’ ‘cause he ain’t stupid. He knows what kind of woman you are and he knows in the end, you’re gonna be with him and his dog in that big, ole, six thousand dollar bed and he’s happy to wait. When your sexy neighbor doesn’t flinch at a man askin’ you out right in front of him, what’s that tell you about Mike?” Cheryl ended on a question.

I licked my lips, dropped my head and stared at my Diet Coke because I knew what that told me about Mike. Cheryl was right. I knew all of this before walking into the bar.

“Yeah,” Cheryl said gently, her hand covering mine which was resting on the bar. She gave it a squeeze then she said, “You’re probably drivin’ but I’m callin’ Reggie, gettin’ us a pizza. You fill your belly with pizza, you can also add a bit of vodka to the mix and you need vodka. Cheryl’s orders.”

After she delivered that line, she walked away, heading toward the phone.

I looked at Feb who was watching me but Dee spoke.

“Sorry about all this Vi. On the face of it, lotsa women would think this was a great problem to have. But I can tell it’s eatin’ you.”

That was an understatement. It was more than eating me.

To communicate that, I nodded and said, “Yeah.”

“You need to talk, get my number from Feb. Anytime, hon, yeah?” I nodded again and she leaned in. “I mean that, okay? Not fun, bein’ new in town and not havin’ your girls around you. So you need girls and I’m happy to be one of them. Cool?”

I smiled at her because this felt good and she was right, I did need girls and I said, “Cool.”

She smiled back, threw Feb a look and walked around the bar, lifting up the section that was hinged so she could go and collect empties.

“Vi,” Feb called and I looked from Dee to her and she leaned in too, her voice quiet, almost a whisper as she said, “I needed fixing.”

I swallowed and her hand came out, covered mine and held on tight.

“If Colt gave up, thought I wasn’t worth the effort…” she shook her head, “God, don’t know what I’d do.”

“Feb,” I whispered back.

“My life was shit, Vi, absolute shit. I was breathin’ but I wasn’t livin’. I felt nothin’, just moved through life, empty. Colt filled me up. He didn’t give up on me until I was full. Now, honey, life is so full, every day I wake up next to him and I feel like I’m bursting.” Her hand squeezed mine and she whispered, “It’s beautiful.”

“I’m so glad for you.” I was also still whispering.

“You got it in you to give that to Cal, don’t give up on him. Man’s empty, he needs someone to fill him up.”

I licked my lips and fought back the tears that sprung to my eyes.

Her hand released mine and she said, “Mike’s a good guy too. Don’t get me wrong. Whatever you decide, you decide and I’m right there with you, yeah?”

I nodded even though I knew, without a doubt, she liked Mike but she wanted me with Joe.

Great, just what I needed, more contradictory advice.

“What do you like on your pizza?” Feb asked. “If it isn’t olives and sausage, we’ll have to order another one. That’s all Cheryl’ll order, she never asks anyone what they want.”

“That sounds good, I’m not picky,” I told her.

“Great,” she replied. “Girls’ night at J&J’s on a Sunday, perfect. Best day of the week and one of the best things you can do, hangin’ with your girls.”

She wasn’t wrong so I nodded at her and smiled.

“Be back in a sec,” she told me and moved away.

I took a sip of Diet Coke.

I was glad I came to J&J’s, it was better than going to an empty house and eating dinner for one. It was lots better, especially since it turned into girls’ night.

The problem was, I came to get their help to get my head straight and I was more torn than ever.

I heard the sliding glass door open and I rolled to look at the clock.

Eleven twenty-three.

I rolled to my back, wishing I wasn’t awake and waiting for Joe; wishing I hadn’t, a half an hour ago, done a new kind of walk of shame, checking on the girls to make sure they were asleep; wishing I had magic because I’d been lying in bed the last hour and a half, thinking of that scene with Bonnie, how Joe had been after it, knowing now that he was empty, like Feb said, because he wouldn’t be able to survive that scene without getting torn up inside unless there was nothing to tear up. And I wanted the magic to be able to fill him up like Feb was. Make him laugh and smile regularly like she did. Give him that look she had, where you knew life for her was good but she didn’t take it for granted because she knew how it felt when life could be bad and she appreciated what she had.

I left my door open for him and Joe closed it then I watched his shadow walk to the bed. I saw him bend, his boots hitting the carpet, heard his clothes rustle as he moved then heard them fall to the ground. Then he reached in and my bedside light was on.

I blinked and felt the covers being swept back and was able to focus when the wall of his body hit me.

“Joe –”

I stopped speaking because his lips were on mine, his tongue spiking in my mouth, his hands going up the tee, his tee that I wore to bed.

He kissed me breathless then lifted his head, his hands still moving on my skin along my sides, hips, over my ass.

“Talked to Tina,” he told me in that way of his where he started a conversation in the middle like we’d been talking for awhile not making out after him just getting to my bed.

“Yeah?” I whispered because I still hadn’t gotten over his kiss and it wasn’t helping that his hands kept moving, lazy and light, on my skin.

“Yeah. Think she got the message.”

“What’d you say?” I asked, my hands drifting on his back, his sides, over his ass.

“Told her she didn’t see what she thought she saw. I hear it from anyone that she told someone she saw what she thought she saw, shit would go down where she might not be able to see anything, since her eyes would be swollen shut.”

My hands stopped moving and my eyes got wide. “You threatened her?”

“She’s Tina.”

“Yeah, but you threatened her?”

“Buddy, I already lived here when she moved in with her husband and I watched her take her time, fuckin’ years, cuttin’ off his balls. It was painful to watch. She’s a bitch. I know you know that but I don’t think you know how big a bitch she is.”

“She’s already scared of you,” I informed him.

“Good, then she’ll keep her trap shut.”

“Joe, you shouldn’t threaten women.”

“She isn’t ‘women’, she’s Tina.”

I couldn’t help it, even though I was horrified that he did what he did, my body started shaking with laughter because he was right.

“Anyway, wouldn’t actually do it but I know she doesn’t know what to make of me because she doesn’t know what to make of a man she can’t lead around by his dick so she doesn’t know I wouldn’t do it. So I’m guessin’ our secret is safe.”

My hands started moving again. “Well, thanks, I guess.”

He grinned down at me. “You’re welcome, I guess.”

My hands both slid over his ass and stopped, my fingers gripped and I lifted up to touch my mouth to his. “Turn out the light.”

“Nope,” he replied and my head settled back on the pillows.

“Nope?”

“Nope.”

“Joe –”

“Got shit we gotta get outta the way before we play.”

My hands flexed into his ass again but not for fun this time.

“What?”

“Talked to Dane,” he announced.

“What?” I whispered.

“Caught him before he went into the house to pick up Kate. Asked him over. We had words or I gave him some words. Don’t think you’ll be buyin’ any baby shit anytime soon.”

My hands went from his ass to his waist and I held on.

“Please, Joe, tell me you didn’t threaten a seventeen year old kid.”

“Fuck no, Vi, Jesus.”

“What’d you say?”

“Let’s just say, he gets where I’m comin’ from,” Joe unusually evaded.

“Where are you coming from?”

“Kate’s off limits.”

My stomach did a somersault.

“Joe –”

“He understands respect, I reckon he understood it before but I reminded him.”

“Was he cool when he left?”

“He’s into her, got the impression he was glad I was lookin’ out for her. He’s a good kid.”

I didn’t know what to do with this. This was bigger than the rest. This was Joe out-and-out taking care of Kate, not for me, for Kate.

“Joe –” I started again.

“Still, gave him condoms.”

My body went solid underneath him but my fingers dug into his waist.

“What!” I snapped.

Joe shrugged. “Shit happens.”

I turned my head on the pillow, looked at the bed and breathed, “Oh my God.”

His hand came to my face and he forced me to look at him. “Baby, it’s bein’ smart.”

“It’s giving him ideas.”

Joe smiled. “Buddy, he’s already got those ideas.”

I knew this but I didn’t need to be reminded of it so I glared at Joe and his smile got bigger as his head lowered and he kissed me.

I tried to be pissed off but when his kiss grew deeper and his hands up my tee got greedier, I forgot to be pissed off.

“Turn off the light,” I repeated, not knowing why he turned it on in the first place. When we were at his house, we never turned on the light.

“No, baby,” he said softly against my mouth, his hand leaving the tee, going to my arm, trailing down it as he slid off my body to the side.

“Joe, why –”

I stopped speaking because I knew why when his hand guided mine to my panties and then it guided it in.

“Joe –”

His finger pressed my finger against my clit and he murmured, his voice thick, “Gonna watch.”

“Joe –”

“When you’re done, you’re gonna watch me.”

My hips bucked up and I felt my lips part in wonder.

I liked this idea.

“That made you wet,” he muttered, his finger guiding mine down and then both his and mine slid in and I moaned as he finished, “or wetter.”

“God, Joe,” I breathed, grinding down on our fingers.

He slid them out and took them back to their original position.

“Make yourself come, baby.”

“Okay,” I whispered and he left his finger where it was so he could feel it as I did as he asked.

This wasn’t hard because his head came down and his mouth went to my ear and he encouraged me by whispering stuff to me that turned me on so much I was squirming. His head came up and his eyes moved to my legs and I watched him, his face openly hungry and I knew, in the moment right before I came, he felt that hollow feeling, that hungriness for me that I felt for him

The moan tore from my throat and his mouth slammed down on mine, swallowing it, drowning it out so the girls couldn’t hear.

He cupped his hand over mine around my sex and kissed me until I came down. Then he pulled our hands free, rolled to his back, positioning me at his side and he guided my hand over his at his cock as his other hand forced my head close, my mouth on his.

“Hold on, baby,” he muttered and I wrapped my hand around his on his shaft and held on.

I alternately kissed him and watched him, liking both but liking watching him better.

I returned the favor when he came, swallowing his growl.

His hand moved away but I stroked him while he came down. Then he lifted his head and kissed my shoulder, left the bed and went to the bathroom. He came back, turned out the light and settled in on his back, again positioning me beside him.

His hand sifted through my hair and he whispered, “You like that, baby?”

“I like everything with you, Joe,” I whispered back and twisted my neck to kiss his chest.

At my words, his hand fisted in my hair then he used it to pull up my head and hold it steady for his mouth to take mine in a deep, heady kiss.

He settled us back to where we were and I stared at his shadowed chest in the dark.

Then I took a chance.

“I know it isn’t why you’re here but I don’t care,” I said to Joe in the dark, my arm moving around his waist, closing in, going tight. “I’m glad you’re here because I like what we just did and because I like you in my bed and because I feel safe and I feel my girls are safe. I don’t want you to go all Joe on me and remind me that isn’t what we are. I don’t care it isn’t. You should know that’s how I feel and I haven’t felt safe for a year and a half and you cannot know how much that sucks. So,” I twisted my neck and kissed his chest again then murmured into his skin, “thanks for makin’ us safe.”

Then I settled back, cheek to his shoulder and gave him a squeeze.

His body had gone still while I talked, still and tense. I felt it but I ignored it and decided to go for the gusto.

“And, by the way, I liked having you at my table and the girls did too. I know that isn’t what we are but you’re welcome there anytime you get hungry and I’m cookin’.”

“Vi –”

“Shut up, Joe.”

“Buddy –”

“I said, shut up.”

Surprisingly, he shut up.

And he didn’t do what I worried he’d do, retreat, not in any way. He turned into me, slid his knee between my legs, forcing my thigh to hook on his waist and he gathered me close in his arms as mine went around him.

He didn’t say anything, not a word, he was silent.

I fell asleep before him, I knew I did because his weight didn’t settle but his arms kept me locked tight.

But I fell asleep hoping that maybe I just gave him a little something that would make him feel less empty.

And I was hoping hard.