New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Amy Denise Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com

MEMO

To: All Administrative Staff, All Divisions

Fr: Amy Jenkins, Director, Human Resources

Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy


Reminders:


Access to the Internet and the availability of e-mail has been provided for the benefit of employees of theNew York Journal and its clients. It allows employees to connect to information resources and is a communication tool. Its purpose is for employees to conduct official company business, or to receive technical or analytical advice. E-mail may be used for business contacts and for inter-office communications. Every employee of the company has a responsibility to maintain and enhance the company’s public image, and to use the Internet in a productive and professional manner. The following guidelines have been established for using the Internet and inter-office e-mail:


Acceptable Uses of the Internet

Employees accessing the Internet are representing theJournal . All communications should be professional. Reading reality-show recaps onTelevisionwithoutpity.com is not a professional use of the Internet. Ditto rating people onhotornot.com. Use of the Internet must not disrupt the operation of the company network. It must not interfere with productivity. Employees are responsible for seeing that the Internet is used in an effective, ethical, and lawful manner.


Communications

Each employee is responsible for the content of all text, audio or images that they place or send over the Internet. Fraudulent, harassing, or obscene messages are prohibited. All messages communicated on the office network should have your name attached. No messages will be transmitted under an assumed name. No abusive, profane, or offensive language is transmitted through the system. Employees who wish to express personal opinions in e-mail may not do so using the Company system, nor during Company time under their own usernames.


Harassment

Harassment of any kind is prohibited. No messages with derogatory or inflammatory remarks about an individual or group’s race, religion, national origin, political party affiliation, physical attributes, work performance, or sexual preference will be transmitted via the Company’s network.


Violations

Violations of any guidelines herein may result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.



To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy


DO YOU THINK SHE’S TALKING ABOUT US?????

I think she’s talking about US.


Kate



To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy


Well, I highly doubt this was directed at Peter Hargrave.


Doesn’t she realize she is slowly draining the life from us, until soon we’ll be nothing but dried husks, formerly known as personnel reps?


God, I wish she’d get hit by a bus.


J


P.S. You should go out with him. If he asks. Soulless-lawyer-for-corporate-raider thing aside. He had on a Rocky and Bullwinkle tie. Rocky and Bullwinkle!!!!



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Stuart Hertzog

Re: Mitch


Stacy, I know you have some—though not much—influence over Mitch. Still, that’s more than I can say about anybody else in this family. Except for maybe Janice. But the last thing Mom wants is Janice talking to Mitch any more than she does already. Did you know the guy actually told her that a good way to keep her bhang from staining her dorm-room carpet is to Scotchguard the rug before she moves all her stuff in? What kind of person SAYS that to their nineteen-year-old sister?


It’s no wonder she had to move back home.


Anyway, I would appreciate your talking to him about this case with the pie lady at theJournal . I asked him to take it because I’m personally involved. But Mitch seems to be . . . well, taking it far too seriously. To explain: I mean, he’s already dragging Amy’s employees into depos. He had a pretrial discovery conference with one of them this morning, and failed to notify either Amy or me: Amy and I didn’t know anything about it! Worse, I think . . . I’m almost sure . . . he’s interested in her. The employee. Not Amy.


You know that look he had in his eye when he came home from Kuala Lampur? Remember?


Well, I saw that same look in his eye when he was escorting the young lady in question out of Dad’s conference room today.


Stacy, you have to do something. If he starts messing around with this girl . . . Well, let’s just say Amy’s job is already on the line because of this mess. Apparently, Peter Hargrave, the paper’s owner, was a big fan of this pie lady’s muffins, or something. But how was I to know that? The woman was completely incompetent, and rude besides.


But if Mitch starts messing with this woman from Amy’s office . . . it won’t be just Amy who could lose her job. Dad’ll probably have another coronary. I’m not kidding, Stace. The last thing Webber and Doyle are going to stand for is one of Dad’s kids sticking his you-know-what in the company ink. . . .


So talk to him, would you? Tell him you don’t think it’s a good idea for him to start seeing anyone right now, with things so up in the air with Janice, Dad’s heart condition, my wedding, and so forth. Remind him that it isespecially unethical to start seeing someone who happens to be involved in one of the cases he’s trying. Particularly THIS case. Which could get very, very ugly.


Thanks, Stace. I knew I could depend on you.


Love,

Stuart


Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900



To: Stuart Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Mitch


First of all, Janice didn’t “have to” move back home. Mom and Dad made her move back home, okay? They made her leave school, and for a reason that is so ludicrous, I don’t even want to get into it with you.


Second of all, I will not be drawn in to whatever petty fight you and Mitch are having today. I’m sick of it. I have my own problems. Like how my son positively refuses to use his potty. Okay? Finding diapers big enough to fit a thirty-pound kid? THAT is a problem. Mitch making google eyes at your fiancée’s employee? Not my problem.


Besides, what makes you think this is going to be like that time in Kuala Lampur? Mitch was nineteen when he lived in Kuala Lampur. That was ten years ago. I think he’s matured a little since then.


So . . . I guess I should say congratulations on the whole wedding thing. So. Congratulations. Are you two planning on a big ceremony, or what? In the city, or here in Greenwich? Or at her family’s place? Where’s she from, anyway?


Stacy



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Stuart Hertzog

Re: Mitch


Stacy, you know how I never told on you that time you locked me in the trunk of Mom’s Mercedes?


If you don’t do something about Mitch, I will be forced to take more drastic measures.


And if you think Mom’s going to leave you her antique Madame Alexander doll collection when she hears about that—especially considering the fact that I had an ear infection at the time—well, you’re delusional.

Stuart


P.S. About the wedding, we’re still working out the details. But definitely not in her hometown (she’s from Texas) as she no longer speaks to her parents, due to a falling out back when she was in college.


Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900



To: Stuart Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Mitch


I never wanted Mom’s stupid Madame Alexander doll collection in the first place. I don’t know where she ever got the idea I did.


P.S. How can someone who works in Human Resources not have spoken to her family since she was in college? I mean, isn’t she supposed to be some kind of expert in human relations? To have gotten her job in the first place? And she can’t even keep the lines of communication to her own family open?


Who is this girl anyway? Dr. Laura?



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Stuart Hertzog

Re: Mitch


All right, you might not want the Madame Alexander dolls (a collection appraised at over $50,000, but fine, if you don’t want it, you don’t want it).

But I assume you still want Mom to look after Haley, Brittany, and Little John when your anniversary rolls around next month. Weren’t you two planning a little April-in-Paris getaway? I wonder how willing Mom’s going to be to take in the grandkids when she hears how you wouldn’t help me out with Mitch. . . .


I guess you could leave the kids with Jason’s parents. . . . Oh, but wait. Isn’t his father in jail? And his mother . . . Where is she again? Biarritz? With her third husband? Or is it her fourth? And didn’t he just turn twenty-five?


Stuart


P.S. Amy happens to have numerous very loving and warm relationships. Just not with any of her blood relatives. But she gets along great with the families of many of her sorority sisters. Many of whom I met at the Monkey Bar last night, and who are eagerly looking forward to our wedding. Unlike, I might add, my own relations, whose congratulations have been perfunctory, at best. Janice still hasn’t even called.


Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900



To: Stuart Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Mitch


I hate you.


P.S. So does Janice.



To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn


So. Heard from Mom and Stuart already. Sounds like you’ve had a busy day.


Stacy



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn


Busy, and profitable. There are times when I really, really love my job. Today would be one of those times.


Mitch



To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn


I heard. Stuart did happen to mention that you deposed one of Amy Jenkins’s oppressed flunkies this morning. I take it it went well. Stuart seems to think you found the flunkie . . . ahem, worth your valuable time. True? False? Or do you plead the Fifth?


Stace



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Uh-oh


Stuart’s making you ask, huh? God, he’s transparent. Well, you can tell him from me that I found his fiancée’s employee most agreeable.


That ought to kill him.


Mitch



To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Uh-oh


Oh my God. The last woman I heard you describe as agreeable was that stewardess you met in Kuala Lampur. And remember how THAT turned out?

Stace


P.S. Stuart’s not the one I’m worried about. It’s Dad, actually.



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Uh-oh


Yes, but I am older and wiser now, and no longer prone to be impressed by surgical enhancement.

Mitch


P.S. Since when does Dad care who I find agreeable? Since when does Dad care about anything except making par?



To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Uh-oh


Oh my God. You HAVE got it bad. What’s her name?


Stace


P.S. Um, does a triple bypass just eight months ago ring a bell?



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Uh-oh


Her name is Kate.


Tell Jason I went ahead and reserved an 8 a.m. tee time tomorrow for us at New Canaan. If you’ll deign to let him out of the house. And I don’t care if it’s snowing, we’re still going.


Mitch


P.S. Tell Stuart to mind his own business.



To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Kate


Screw tee times in New Canaan. Get back to the girl. I’m a housewife with three kids, one of whom still isn’t potty trained. To me, romance is a quickie once a week while the kids are glued to SpongeBob SquarePants. If I’m lucky. Now spill it. What’s she like? I thought you hated MBA types.


Stace


P.S. I did. He threatened to tell on me about the Mercedes thing.



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Kate


No, I hate other lawyers. Besides, she isn’t an MBA. She’s a BA. In social work. And thanks for sharing that SpongeBob SquarePants thing. Because I really needed to know that about my big sister.


And in answer to your query, from what I could tell during the incredibly brief interlude we shared this morning in Dad’s conference room, and what I have gathered from a former client of mine who happens to know her, Kate is kind and pure of heart, and recently broke up with her no-good rock-musician boyfriend, and likes chicken with garlic sauce.


Oh, and she’s blonde. And from Kentucky. And probably about as unlikely as any girl I’ve ever met ever to date a lawyer—especially one who works for a client like Peter Hargrave. Hope that helps.

Tell Jason they swear to me that the snow on the seventh green is melting. Also, if you want, I’ll come over afterwards and teach Little John how to pitch. Just so he doesn’t embarrass himself when he starts kindergarten, throwing like his dad. I mean, like a girl.


Mitch


P.S. The Mercedes thing? Again? Oh, what, and Mom threatened not to leave you her dolls?



To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Kate


Um, Mitch, not to burst your bubble, but Little John is two. Okay? He isn’t going to start kindergarten for at least three more years.


But of course you’re welcome to come by anytime. Fair warning, however: Jason’s brother—Little John’s namesake—and his wife Mel will be over in the afternoon with their new baby. I know how you tend to feel baby-overload if there is more than one set of Pampers in the room at a time, so I wanted to make sure you had time to prepare yourself mentally.


I know—why don’t you ask Kate to come along? She probably doesn’t like lawyers because she’s never really known one. Once she gets to know you, she’ll warm up to you. And what better way to show how sweet and cuddly lawyers can be than to see one in the bosom of his family? She could take the train up, and you can pick her up at the station after your golf game and bring her here. Then we can break out those expensive bottles of wine Stuart had his assistant send us for Christmas, and toast him and his bride-to-be. And it’ll be really fun because Stuart and Amy won’t actually BE here.

Come on, it’ll be great. Say you’ll invite her.


Stace


P.S. I’ll be sure to pass your assessment of my husband’s throwing skills on to him. I’m guessing he’ll be immensely flattered.


P.P.S. Yes about the dolls.



To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Kate


Nice try, but if you think any guy is going to bring a girl he’s only met once in a professional setting home to meet his family, then can I just say that you have been out of the singles scene for a very, very long time? No offense, Stace, but I think you and Jason need to dump the kids on Mom and grab a weekend in Miami or something. The whole quickie-during-Spongebob thing has warped your idea of what romance actually is.


Allow me to assure you that the chances of my bringing any girl out to meet you and Jason and the kids . . . not to mention some of your many in-laws—even decent ones like John and Mel—before we’ve even—


Well, you can forget about it.


And now I have to go over to the offices of our future sister-in-law to inquire of her, in person, why she hasn’t returned any of my assistant’s calls asking her to schedule an appointment for her pretrial discovery conference.


And if I should happen, upon my way there, to run into Kate, you’ll undoubtedly hear all about it from Stuart, who’ll get it from Amy, so why should I trouble myself?


See you tomorrow.


Mitch


P.S. Really, Stace. You’ve got to stop letting them push you around. I’ll take care of the freaking kids while the two of you are in Paris next month. Okay?


P.P.S. Yeah, I knew. Mom’s been talking about it nonstop. You think I am not aware that she’s holding canceling on you like an anvil over your head? Relax. The kids love me. We’ll have a blast. And that whole thing with Little John’s first word—look, I told you, it just slipped out. The guy came at us from out of nowhere. It’s a wonder we weren’t killed. And wouldn’t you rather your son’s first word be of the four-letter variety than some boring Mamma or Dadda thing? Wouldn’t you?

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