Boy Meets Girl

New York Journal Employee Incident Report

Name/Title of Reporter:

Carl Hopkins, Security Officer

Date/Time of Incident:

Wednesday, 1:30 p.m.

Place of Incident:

NY JournalSenior Staff Dining Room

Persons Involved in Incident:

Stuart Hertzog, legal counsel to theNY Journal, 35

Ida Lopez, Craft Food Services dessert cart operator,NY Journal, 64

Nature of Incident:

S. Hertzog asked I. Lopez for more pie.

I. Lopez said No more pie.

S. Hertzog said But I see the pie right there, give me some.

I. Lopez said No more pie for you.

S. Hertzog said Why not?

I. Lopez said You know good and well why.

S. Hertzog summoned Security.

Security gave him pie.

Follow-up:

Incident recorded, sent to A. Jenkins in Human Resources.

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Amy Jenkins

Re: Ida Lopez

Kate—

Thanks for your input re: Be a Sweetie/Wipe the Seatie. However, as I’m sure you’ve seen by now, we have a more pressing concern than the Features Department’s objections to my lavatory signs.

We’ve had another complaint about Ida Lopez, the dessert-cart operator in the senior-staff dining room. It appears the situation is getting worse. Today she categorically refused to give Stuart Hertzog, of Hertzog Webster and Doyle, the paper’s legal counsel, a piece of key lime pie. As you know, desserts in the senior-staff dining room are supposed to be unlimited. When questioned as to her reason behind refusing pie to Mr. Hertzog, Ms. Lopez replied, “He knows good and well.”

Mr. Hertzog, of course, hasn’t got the slightest idea what she is talking about. He has never set eyes on the woman before today.

As Ms. Lopez is currently on disciplinary probation from her last, similar violation, I believe we can begin moving forward with termination paperwork. Therefore, please discontinue work on her disciplinary warning letter for last week’s infraction and begin termination proceedings. Ms. Lopez should be informed no later than today at five o’clock that her services will no longer be required here at theJournal . Please see that Security escorts her to her locker and that she cleans it out thoroughly. Security is not to allow her out of their sight until her keys and employee ID have been confiscated, and she has left the building.

I have been informed by Food Craft Services management that Ida Lopez is inexplicably popular with junior members of the staff. Therefore it would be best if this case were not discussed outside the confines of the department. Please remember that personnel matters are confidential.

I will expect Ms. Lopez’s termination paperwork on my desk no later than 3 p.m. today.

Amy

Amy Denise Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com

This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Tim Grabowksi

Re: Ida Lopez

Hey, Katie, Ida’s one of yours, right? If so, you’ve got to do whatever you can to get this pie thing with Hertzog straightened out. Ida is the lifeblood of theNY Journal . Without her and her dessert cart, I for one will not be able to go on. And I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say if there’s anybody who does not deserve pie, it is Stu Hertzog.

Counting on you, as the only human in Human Resources (not including Jen, of course) to Do the Right Thing—

T.

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Nadine Wilcock-Salerno

Re: Ida Lopez

Say it isn’t so! The rumor mill has it that Amy Jenkins is asking for the head of our best baker on a silver platter. DON’T GIVE IT TO HER!!!!!!!! WE NEED IDA’S CARROT CAKE! If possible, hooked into an IV and attached to my arm.

I mean it, Kate, don’t let them fire her.

Nad ;-)

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Melissa Fuller-Trent

Re: Ida Lopez

Dear Kate,

I was in the senior staff room today when Ida Lopez refused to serve pie to Stuart Hertzog, the paper’s legal counsel. All I can say is, Mr. Hertzog really was unforgivably rude to Mrs. Lopez, even before she refused to serve him—I mean, he acted like he had some kind of inalienable right to pie—and if you need me to make a sworn statement to that effect or anything, I would be willing to. Only please don’t let them fire Mrs. Lopez . . . her chocolate chip cookies are out of this world.

Sincerely,

Mel Fuller-Trent

Features

The NY Journal

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: George Sanchez

Re: Cookie Lady

Don’t fire her.

I mean it. Her gingersnaps are the only thing that keep me sane around here. Besides Mountain Dew.

George Sanchez

Managing Editor

The NY Journal

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Dolly Vargas

Re: That cafeteria lady

Darling, you simply can’t let them get rid of that little dessert-cart person. Her low-fat yogurt muffins are to DIE FOR. I myself have had her cater numerous events, and have received nothing but compliments . . . her carrot cake is simply DIVINE (if not exactly easy for those of us doing the low-carb thing to resist).

And really, if you get rid of her, who are you going to get to replace her? Good help doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

XXXOOO

Dolly

P.S. Thanks for helping to bail me out of that nasty little thing with Aaron Spender. Isn’t it the pits when they go all John Hinckley on you? So glad he took that job withNewsweek, I can’t even tell you! XXOO—D

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Dessert Cart Lady

It is all over the building that the T.O.D. is going to give the Dessert Cart Lady the heave ho for not handing over a piece of pie to Stu Hertzog at lunch today. Is this true?

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Ida Lopez

It’s true. The T.O.D. says *I* have got to fire her. Today. Jen, how am I supposed to fire that sweet old lady? This has to be a mistake. English isn’t her first language. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. I mean, she always calls me dearie when she sees me in the hallway, and sneaks me chocolate chip cookies, even though as a new hire I am not even allowed in the senior staff dining room. Plus everyone—EVERYONE—at the paper loves her.

Everyone except Stuart Hertzog, apparently.

But he’s a lawyer.A LAWYER. What does that tell you about his abilities as a judge of character? Hmmm?

Oh my God, I wish I had called in sick today.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Dessert Cart Lady

Amy is such a bitch. You know she’s totally in love with Hertzog, right? Tim up in Computers says he saw them at Il Buco last Saturday, with their tongues down each other’s throats. I mean, she’s all but picked out the china pattern. That’s the only reason she gives a crap about Ida.

I wonder if she’ll change her name when the time comes. If anyone deserves to be Mrs. Stuart Hertzog, it’s the T.O.D.

You know what I heard? Hertzog has a cigar-store Indian in his office. He thinks just because he’s a big shot in his daddy’s firm—like his father before him, and his father before him, and so on—nobody’s going to say anything about how unPC it is, or the fact that he’s such a pedantic phony.

Maybe that’s why Ida wouldn’t give him pie.

All I have to say is, that suit he had on today had to cost three grand, easy. It was Armani.

But it doesn’t matter how well he dresses, he’ll still always look like Barney fromThe Flintstones.

Have you tried reasoning with the T.O.D.? I realize it probably won’t work, but you can be pretty persuasive, when you bat those baby-blues of yours.

J

To: Amy Jenkins

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Ida Lopez

Amy, are you really sure terminating Mrs. Lopez is the best idea? I mean, like you said, she is extremely popular with the staff. I have been inundated with e-mails from members of the staff—some of them senior members—asking that she not be let go.

It is possible that Mrs. Lopez might benefit from going through customer-service training again. Maybe if we go ahead with the written warning from last week’s infraction, she’ll straighten up. Like you yourself said at last month’s Staff Relations Committee meeting, termination represents not just a failure on the employee’s part, but a failure on the part of her supervisor, as well!

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Amy Jenkins

Re: Ida Lopez

I sincerely hope you are not questioning my authority in this matter, Kathleen. As someone who has less than a year of work here at theJournal under her belt, I would think the last thing you would want to do is question the actions of your direct supervisor—especially while you are still on employment probation.

Ida Lopez has been a continuous problem at this company since the day she was hired. My predecessor was not successful in getting rid of her, but I will be. This time, Ida’s gone too far. I want to see a complete written transcript of your interaction with her this afternoon before you leave the office for the day.

Amy Denise Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com

This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Ida Lopez

It’s no good, the T.O.D. won’t go for it. Oh, God, Jen. Poor Mrs. Lopez is coming down in ten minutes! What am I going to say to her? WHY did I have to be assigned the LZs??? WHY???

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Dessert Cart Lady

That’s it. We’re going to Lupe’s for mojitos after work. Damn the hormones, I need a drink.

J