Boy Meets Girl

Journal of Kate Mackenzie

What am I doing? I mean, why am I obsessing over what to wear tonight to Mitch’s? I shouldn’t even be GOING to Mitch’s. I have no job, no place to live, I’m on the rebound, relationship-wise. This guy has been nothing but trouble, and besides which, the two of us have nothing in common, except a mutual appreciation for Mrs. Lopez’s brownies and the Travel Channel. I mean, he’s a LAWYER.

Should I wear control-top panties, or not? You know they leave those lines . . . but if I don’t wear them, my belly pooches out.

Oh my God, I can’t even believe I’m obsessing over this.

Do I have time to whip up one of Mrs. Lopez’s recipes? No . . . I can’t make a bundt cake AND blow out my hair. . . . DAMN!!!!!!!!!

D’Agostino Supermarkets #6

1507 York Avenue

New York, NY 10021

Reg 2 Time: 18:02

Cashier 411

Name: Dolores

1 lb. tiger prawn $17.99 2 artichokes $02.99 4 lemons $02.00 1 Irish butter $05.99 1 Fettucine $03.99 1 French bread $01.99 1 El Rey Cho Bar $02.52 1 pd coffee $06.99 1 garlic $00.59 4 pears $02.00 Subtotal $47.05 Tax $03.88 Total $50.93

Charge

Mitchell Hertzog

xxxx-xxx-xxxx-xxxx

Thank you for shopping at D’Agostino

Welcome to CVS

Reg 1 Time: 18:22

1 pk Lady Bic Disp Razors $2.99 1 L’eggs Con. Top $1.49 1 pk Trojan Ribbed $7.99 1 Almay Pressed Powder $7.99 Subtotal $19.49 Tax $1.61 Total $20.09

Charge

Kathleen Mackenzie

xxxx-xxx-xxxx-xxxx

Thank you for shopping

at CVS

To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Margaret Hertzog

Re: Your brother

Stacy, I tried to phone, but no one picked up. Either you are all out, or your au pair is on the phone with her Swedish boyfriend again, and not picking up. I really suggest you get her a separate line. And I do hope you are deducting the cost of these calls she’s constantly making to this boy from her weekly paycheck.

Anyway, I just received an extremely distressing phone call from your brother Stuart. He says you are being most uncooperative regarding the wedding plans. I understand that the week of June 21 is the only time in the foreseeable future the two of them can both be away from their jobs, and that—although Jason promised them use of your yard for an outdoor ceremony on Midsummer’s Day—there seems to be some problem with—and I am finding this hard to believe, but Stuart swears he heard it directly from you—your coven?

Honestly, Stacy. Do you really expect me to believe that you have joined a coven? That you are some kind of practicing witch? You live in Greenwich, for God’s sake. There are no covens in Greenwich.

Furthermore, I thought the Trents were episcopalian, not Wiccan.

If you are just SAYING you are holding a coven meeting or whatever it is on the summer solstice in order to make Stuart angry . . . well, you’ve succeeded.

What is wrong with you, Stacy? Why can’t you play nicely with your brother? Stuart is, out of all of you, the only one who was born with any common sense. Why must you and Mitch antagonize him so? He’s always been extremely sensitive, as I’m sure you’re aware, particularly about the size of his head. Yet, that never stopped the two of you from calling him Tweety growing up, did it? Oh, you two were just hilarious.

Claiming you belong to a coven is hardly an amusing joke, Stacy. It’s cruel, and it’s insensitive, especially coming from a mother of three. What if the children should hear of it, Stacy? Besides, I want this Amy Jenkins to LIKE us. For God’s sake, she’s hardly had what I’d call a warm welcome into the family, with your father still not returning anyone’s calls from Scottsdale, and Mitch causing this uproar in her office, and you saying you’re a practicing witch, and Janice . . . well, just being Janice. Really, the poor girl is going to think you’re all out to get her, and who could blame her? Finally we have a chance to get some NORMAL blood into the Hertzog family tree, and you’re trying to ruin it for everyone.

Well, I won’t have it. You’re to let your brother have his wedding at your house, like your own husband promised him he could. Do you understand, Stacy?

And while you’re at it, it would be polite if you’d host Amy’s bridal shower. I’m not saying you have to have it at your place. We can have it here. But I think it would be a nice gesture if you and Janice hosted it.

Hopefully all the green will have grown out of her hair by then.

Well, that’s all, call me.

Mother

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Vivica

Re: Dale

Hi. I know you probably haven’t had a chance to look over the quiz I sent you. Dale says you’re a human resources rep, and I know that is a very important and busy job. Not like being a model. I mean, when you are a model, you just, you know, try on clothes and smile and stuff. Although it is quite hard to smile when you feel as if your heart is breaking—which I felt like mine was. Until the other night, when I met Dale. I know he is your ex-boyfriend and all and you probably don’t feel about him the way you did when you were first going out, but you guys are still friends, right? Dale says you are. So I was just hoping you could get back to me, because it’s been a really, really long time since I met a guy as nice as Dale. Most guys, they don’t even remember my name, they just want to hook up so they can go back to the office on Monday and tell everyone they scored with a supermodel.

Dale, he says he’s gonna write a song about me. Just as soon as he can think of a word that rhymes with Vivica.

But no pressure about the quiz. Whenever you get to it. I know you’re probably really busy with helping people and everything. Dale says you used to be a social worker. I think that is so admirable. I mean, people are our best resource. I once rescued a dog from the streets of Mexico City. But that isn’t the same as rescuing a person. And the dog turned out to have heartworms and had to be put to sleep. You can’t put people to sleep, which is too bad, because some of them deserve it, like my ex. But that’s another story.

Well, anyway. Just get that quiz back to me when you get a chance. Thanks.

Bye.

V