Crashing Back Down

10

I climbed onto my couch, glass of Pinot Noir in hand, replaying my conversation with Candice again. How could she think she knows how I am at home? How could she tell me I shouldn’t be alone? Maybe she's right. The house was intolerable to be in; it almost felt hollow, just like the pit of my stomach. The feeling of helplessness washed over me, settling in, becoming overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I melted into a puddle of tears and wine, throwing yet another pity party for myself. There wasn’t a handbook given to me at Randy’s funeral. Being the widow of a soldier was something I was not prepared to be, especially so young.

Flicking on the TV for some white noise, I forced myself not to think about what my plan was going to be. There’s always tomorrow. I sighed, and curled up in the fluffy comfort of my peach-colored throw. I rounded off my forced relaxation by topping off my wine glass, a TV dinner of lasagna, and an overly girlie romantic comedy.

Throughout the next day at work, I was thankful for the craziness of my workload. My desk was piled high with unemployment documents I had to sort through. I gladly dove into the sea of papers, getting as much done as possible. The distraction from my life outside the hospital was a welcome vacation for my mind every day. But, sadly, all good things come to an end and five o’clock came before I knew it.

Sitting in the parking lot, not really ready to start driving, I was too lost in thought about the solution to my predicament. I knew it was in my best interest to at least try to find a roommate, but wasn’t sure who could put up with me, or I them, day in and day out. Then, a light bulb went off as I started the old ford engine, Walker! I grinned a little. It’s perfect! He was just as lonely as I was, and one of my best friends. I would have asked Cali, but she was married and we tried to live together during college. It didn’t go very well. I was actually shocked Cali and I were still close after our roommate-hood crumbled into a pit of drama.

Without thinking through my little epiphany, my phone was dialing Walker, and I heard his deep southern voice on the other end. For some reason a smile burst across my face as I heard his drawl. "Hey Mags, how's it going?"

I could hear he was smiling too. I wondered if it was me who made that happen, and the thought flushed my cheeks.

"Walker, I have a question." My heart started pounding, but I made myself shake off the nerves fluttering through me. Feeling this way while talking to Walker recently was still confusing and I paused, second guessing if this was a good idea or not. Not letting myself change the subject, I continued the conversation as planned. I dove right into how my therapist‘s suggestion and how I couldn’t think of anyone who would ever want to live with a basket case like me.

Not even letting me get to asking, in a warm tone, Walker answered, "Of course I'll move in and help your crackpot-self get back on track. Honestly, I could probably use the company myself. As long as you treat me better than you did Cal, I don’t know if my skin is as tough as y’all’s.”

I was practically giddy with relief. "Wow, that’s a load off. Want to come over later and hammer out the details?" We made plans for eight, and with that, I felt like a little bit of a weight had been lifted.

As I put the Ford in drive, I stopped myself from doubting the hasty decision I’d just made. How bad could it really be? It really was going to be nice to have a guy around the house again. I needed to figure something out, anyway. The limbo that had been consuming my life lately needed to be shaken up. Pulling into my driveway, I resolved to making the best of this, and that my therapist had to know best. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but be apprehensive about sharing my personal space, but it wasn’t like Walker would be sharing my room.

My house was way too big for just me. Randy and I had purchased it right after our wedding, with the idea of filling it with the four or five children we wanted to have. It had five bedrooms, four and half bathrooms, living room, dining room, family room, a detached garage I used as storage and parking for my unused Mercedes, and a converted garage Randy was planning on making into his office slash man cave when he got back from deployment. Needless to say, all of the rooms, other than my bedroom and the common spaces where left untouched.

Opening the front door, I threw my briefcase and purse on top of the side table and kicked my heels off, shoving them underneath it. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a needed glass of wine. It was the end of my bottle, and frowning, I grabbed my phone to text Walker to see if he could bring some from Liz. She and I always traded back and forth when one of our stashes ran low.

I glanced at the time on my phone when Walker texted back saying he was able to scrounge up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and would bring it over with him. A twinge of nerves ran down my spine as I anticipated his arrival in ten minutes. My mind raced and I tried to calm myself, remembering how great a friend he had always been to Randy and me. How I couldn’t have lived without him recently. How, sadly enough, he was the only one I trusted in Randy’s home.

The doorbell rang; I took a deep breath, and answered it.

"Mags, how are ya, roomie?" Walker was smiling, leaning on the doorjamb, holding the bottle of wine, Chinese takeout and a Redbox rental. He was wearing a tight-fitting green V-neck, the sleeves clinging to his biceps perfectly, just barely showing his upper right arm tattoo of a black tip shark swimming through a reef. The rest of his artwork was covered by his clothes and I bit my lip, thinking of them all. I knew his sinewy body well from accompanying him and Randy for their ink sessions, and all of our time spent fishing or at the beach together. I couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked in green, bringing out his breathtaking eyes.

I invited him in, giggling to myself with the realization of being a widow and now having a roommate; it was utterly ass-backwards to me. He walked in and set everything in the living room while I went to grab plates from the kitchen. Before I could even get the dishes out of the cabinet, Walker was standing right behind me. "This is going to be interesting. I can hear Randy cursing at me with a closed fist from heaven.

I smiled and gestured towards the living room, "Come on, roomie, it's not like we're sleeping together," I looked up to the ceiling. "Don’t worry, babe, this is chiefly because of doctor's orders."

Walker stared at the floor, with a wilted look I'd never seen before.

"What's up, Walker? Why the long face?"

He dug his hands further into his pockets, shrugging his shoulders. "Just miss him, that’s all," He smiled, shaking off his foul expression, and plopped onto the couch.

We gobbled down our dinners and laughed at the top of our lunges at the stupid comedy he picked out. The evening flew by effortlessly. It was times like that where my guilt of being alive settled in. I felt bad for trying to live a happy, full life, while my heart was buried in a dead man’s chest.

"That movie was awful! You're picking out the next one, Mags." Walker stood up to stretch, scratching his full belly.

I nodded with agreement. "So, when are you going to move in?"

Walker's light green eyes seemed to be reading my expression while he paused, finally answering with a tooth-filled smile, "Whenever you want. This is all up to you. I’ll be glad to be out of that musty converted den, finally." Walker had originally planned on moving back to Nowhere, Georgia when he came home, but never went through with it. I always silently felt guilty, almost responsible for his decision to stick around. Walker always said he couldn’t make anywhere else home anymore. He never really talked about his family much, so I just left it alone, figuring they were a sore subject.

I met his gaze with a warm grin. "How about tomorrow? I already cleaned out the guest room."

He agreed and said he'd get a few buddies to help him while I was at work the next day. We said our goodnights and he kissed me on the forehead while we hugged goodbye. "By this time tomorrow you'll be regretting your decision, watch!"

He and I both laughed. "Want to bet?" I grinned, waved goodbye as he trotted down the steps and then locked the door.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something felt different, in me, in the house, in Walker. I wasn’t sure which it was, or if it was a combination of it all, but I was finding a new appreciation for the intuition of Candice and her little button nose.

The next day was a blur of paper pushing and phones ringing off the hook. A combination of nerves and excitement kept me preoccupied all day. The clock ticked by at a snail's pace, and finally five o'clock came. I slid into the driver’s seat of my Mercedes, uncomfortable to be driving it, but I left Randy’s truck, just in case Walker needed it. I knew he wasn’t going to, since he was not moving furniture and the houses were within walking distance, but I felt like I needed to help, try to at least, in some way. When I pulled into my driveway, Walker was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette. "Hey Mags, how was work?"

"Ugh, long, boring. How did it go? All settled in?" I waltzed towards him, relishing in how good it was to have a warm greeting upon my arrival again.

"Yeah, pretty much. Want to go grab a drink later at The Saloon to celebrate like we would have in college?" He looked down at me with a slight, stood up straight, smoothing out his cotton shirt. Damn, he could be so attractive. Flicking the butt of his Newport into the ashtray, he let his eyebrow rise to question my delayed response.

"Oh, what the hell!” I matched Walker’s smothering glare, licking my lips slightly, and wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'll go get changed and we can grab some food first.” Chills passed over me when his hand glided into mine, our eyes meeting, and for a split second I was reminded of how attracted I actually was to him. “Come on, soldier. Let's go into our house."

Once we were inside, we stood and stared at each other for a moment. Seeing that I was smoldering under his gaze, Walker released my hand and sat on the couch. "I'll watch TV while you get ready."

I pulled on my favorite boot-cut dark blue jeans, and a white tank top, checking myself out in the mirror. I lost a lot of weight from my lack of healthy nutrition. I almost looked sick. I had always been athletic, very strong, but skinny. Most of my muscle definition had disappeared, and my collarbone stuck out a little too far.

I frowned while pulling my dark brown cowboy boots on. I left my hair down and straight, it was so long, the ends were almost touching my belt. I did my makeup into a dark smoky eye and dabbed a light layer of blush over my cheeks. Finally happy with what I saw in the mirror, I had to admit, I looked half way alive now, more in my element at the very least.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" I jumped at Walker's murmur behind me in the doorway.

"Walker! Don’t do that! You scared the shit out of me." I had been alone in my house for so long that it was going to take some adjusting to get used to having a roommate.

He scowled, crossing his arms. "I didn’t mean to. I thought you could hear me pounding up those hollow ass stairs."

I took a few steps closer to him, did a twirl and kissed him on the cheek. "You're sweet. Sorry for yelling. Let's go, I'm starving!"

Walker dug his keys out of his pocket and we were out the door for our first "roomie adventure”, as Walker named it.

At dinner, we drank over a bottle of cheap Italian wine, and gnashed on steaks and mashed potatoes. By the time we got to The Saloon, it was packed with people line dancing up a storm. I smiled and pointed over to the back bar where we spent most of our college years. Walker nodded, grabbing my hand to lead me through the crowd.

A little blonde bartender came scooting over to us as we took the only two empty seats. "Why, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, Walker!" She batted her eyelashes at him, and then smiled at me with a twinge of disgust, asking through gritted teeth what I’d be drinking.

I smiled, not caring for her distasteful look or tone. “I’ll have whatever he’s having, darling.”

She glared at me through menacing slits before turning to reach into the cooler. She spun around and slammed two Budweiser bottles onto the bar, winked at Walker with a playful grin, and then retreated to the other end of the bar.

“What was that about? Is she another notch in the old belt?" I giggled; the wine already starting to loosen me up.

Walker started to peel the label off his bottle, biting his lip. "Not all of us find true love freshman year, darling. I know I've been around a little too much in this town to take you anywhere. Sorry," He sighed, glanced over at the blonde hothead, and then slammed his beer back, drinking it all.

The little blonde popped over and opened another beer, angrily snarling, "Should I just keep them coming for you and your girl?"

"Yeah, it's for the best. Start a tab, will ya, Cindy?"

She nodded, going over to her computer to type in our order. I felt bad for the computer screen; she was jabbing at it, probably pretending it was Walker’s, or my, eyeballs.

"Why didn’t you tell her we aren’t together?" Walker had never turned down a repeat customer, even if they were a bad lay. If I’d learned anything about Walker while he was Randy's roommate it was that he was a complete horn-dog, and I was lucky to be taken by his best friend.

"Maybe I don’t want her to think we're not. She was a terrible fuck and started asking to go out on dates. I don’t date. I sleep with ’em, but I don’t care about ’em." He grabbed my hand. "Want to play with her a little?"

Looking down at our entwined fingers, I looked up into Walker’s gorgeously playful eyes. “I don’t know Walker. She’s harmless, isn’t she?”

A devilish grin spread across his drunken face, “Awe, come on, it ain’t gonna hurt anyone. It’s all in good fun.”

With a deep breath, I figured it might be fun to play along and get a little closer to Walker, even if it was make believe. "Yeah, for sure, why the hell not? She was a bitch in the first place." I shrugged, teasingly giggling and smiling at Walker, starting our little game off. He leaned over and kissed my cheek for a little longer than usual. My face flushed against his warmth, and I took his hand.

My eyes bore into Cindy’s as I curled my fingers through Walker’s a little more tightly. She stormed off into the bathroom and Walker chuckled. “That’ll teach her. She’s only mad because she knows you’re prettier than she is.”

I smirked, slightly shaking my head. “Walker, you’re just saying that. You don’t have to flatter me just because we’re roommates now.” My bottle was empty, so I diverted from the strange look on Walker’s face to try and find another bartender. It was almost lustful, with a hint of shame and sadness as he glanced down at the bar, rubbing his stumbled jaw with his free hand. It pained me how sad his eyes were all the time. I gestured to the other bartender for two more beers, and they arrived quickly. “Apparently, you come here a lot,” I joked, but Walker just kept his blank stare.

It wasn’t until I went to reach for my beer that I realized we were still holding hands. “Sorry.” I bit my lip, slowly taking my hand away. “I wouldn’t want to cock block you for too long.” I let out a forced sigh when I saw the frustration in Walker’s face.

“I have to stop thinking every once in a while,” he snapped, coldly. “All sex is for me is a distraction. Besides, you do enough thinking for the both of us.”

It was clear that, somehow, I hit a nerve, but I couldn’t figure out how. Walker and I always joked and carried on. He gestured to Cindy to come back over. “Two shots of Jack straight up for me and this fine piece, please dear.” He threw her an evil smirk and a wink, and the shots were slammed in front of us.

Without hesitation, we did five rounds of Jack and drank four more beers each, letting it wash away Walker’s early frustration and my shyness, holding hands almost the entire time. I enjoyed playfully flirting with Walker, the light caresses, the lingering kisses on the cheek, the way his lips felt brushing softly over my ear, and how velvety his southern accent sounded as he told me how beautiful I looked. I tried to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, but it was too wonderful to not enjoy.

Finally, the numbness started to take over, and when my favorite song to line dance to came blaring through the noise of the packed bar, I was ecstatic. I yanked Walker from his stool and made him run to the dance floor with me. We laughed and danced like old times. I danced so hard I was sweating when the song was over, and it bled into a slow song that started to play.

Walker bowed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?” I grinned and pulled him into me. I could feel his perfect physique through his shirt as I rested my head on his chest. His cologne and the smell of the bar mixed well together, and I let myself fall into the happiness of the movement, reclining into him.

Right before the song was over, with a slurred tongue, I leaned into Walker’s face, almost touching his nose with my own. A wave of emotion came over me as I saw the darkening lust steaming in Walker’s eyes.

I blurted out without a second thought. “How long have you had feelings for me? Or am I just being drunk and over analyzing?”

I don’t remember his answer or the look on his face when I said it. At that moment, I fell into a black out. Good thing too, because I didn’t think I was ready to hear if my assumption was true or not.