Crashing Back Down

12

Cali and I made our way to our favorite burger joint in town. After long nights of drinking, we always nursed our hangovers with a little hair of the dog and a heart attack on a plate. There was no better cure for the brown bottle flu than beer and grease, in my opinion.

We pulled into Charlie’s after the short ride, singing at the top of our lungs to everything on the radio. Our favorite seats, right in the middle of the bar, were free and we happily filled the creaking bar stools. Without even having to ask, Todd, our regular bartender, walked over with two drafts and set them down right in front of us, after wrapping napkins around the glasses just the way we liked them. “Well, aren’t you two just an amazing sight for sore eyes. Haven’t seen your gorgeous faces in God knows how long!”

Todd was wearing a tight-fitting pink and white striped button down like usual, always willing to wear anything that screamed, “I’m gay, get the fuck over it!” His jet-black hair was a little longer than I remembered, but uniformly messy like always. Todd had been too skinny, shaped just like a stick figure.

The first time the five of us all met Todd felt like yesterday to me. It was the afternoon after a bonfire party that the boys’ fraternity had thrown. It was Cali’s and my first time ever experiencing hunch punch and it was not a good morning for either of us. We both had a great time at the party, from what we were told, and slept in Randy’s bed that night. We apparently kicked him out of it, making him sleep on the floor.

Cali and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangovers we had ever experienced.

Walker and Randy had been going to Charlie’s since their freshman year, and knew it would be the perfect cure. The guys had to practically drag us out of bed; Randy actually had to carry me to Walker’s truck. My memory of that morning was a little fogged by the booze that had still been floating through my system, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Randy’s arms was so comforting and addicting to me from that moment on. Making our way out of the fraternity house, we saw Mitch curled up on the couch in the giant foyer. Walker talked him into joining us and from there the tradition of Charlie’s was born.

Cali grabbed her beer, holding it up waiting for me to 'cheers' her. “It’s been too long, Todd. How the heck are ya?” Cali’s bubbly voice had finally returned from her frustration with Walker, and I was glad her mood shifted back to the normal perky best friend I desperately needed.

Todd leaned over, putting both elbows on the bar. “Oh you know, same shit, different day.”

Cali’s and my glasses clanked together and I took a satisfying sip of the sweet Orange Blossom Pilsner. “Oh Todd, you always remember!” The wonderfully soothing orange honey bubbles tickled my taste buds, softening my jumbled mind and voice.

“How could I not?” He gawked, using dramatic hand and arm movements as he lisped perfectly, it was so cliché and one of the best things about him. Todd was proud of who he was and never hid it from anyone. “You two used to be here every other day back in college!” A few more bar patrons took seats a few down from us, and Todd excused himself silently to tend to them, rolling his eyes as one of the men snapped his fingers to get Todd’s attention. I gaped at the obnoxious gesture until I saw Todd kiss the guy right on the lips. Cali and I both giggled at the sight, and turned away to give them a little privacy.

“We haven’t been here since before I got the news about Randy.” The realization hit a little softer than usual. Maybe I was starting to heal, or maybe I was just numb from emotion, I couldn’t really tell. Surprised, and thankful the wind hadn’t been taken out of me, I took a deep breath and continued my thought. “Cali, I never believed I would be a widow at twenty-four. When Randy shipped off even, it never dawned on me that this could have been in the cards for me.”

She sighed and put her hand on mine. “Yeah, I know. But it’s life, love. Randy knew how dangerous it was going to be. He’s right here helping you through it, you know that.” Her soft smile was so comforting, I simply couldn’t stand it. I knew she was right. Randy always tried to prepare me for the worst when it came to his decision to join the Army. I just never let it sink it.

“I can hear him now: ‘Hey kid, smile! Like it or not, you’re gonna be stuck with me, even if I’m a ghost.’ Man, he was so morbid sometimes.” I grabbed my beer and chugged the entire thing. Todd popped back over with a new OBP for me, asking if we were having our usual burgers to eat, and we both nodded. After putting our orders into his computer, Todd engulfed himself in a deep conversation with his new flavor of the week, always glancing over at our glasses to make sure they weren’t getting anywhere near low.

Desperate to change the subject, Cali leaned over and sighed. “How’s the new roommate?”

I shrugged, staring at the painted bar, not knowing how to answer that question which Cali getting furious at me. I felt color burning my cheeks as the words started to form slowly. “Walker is great. It’s awesome to not have to be alone.” I sipped my thick beer, hoping the cool liquid would lessen the crimson flaring on my face and neck. “It’s only been a day. So, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” My lips betrayed me and turned up into a toothy smile. I failed horribly at forcing it to go away.

With a questioning eyebrow raise, Cali’s voice got rigid, like she could see right through me. “Why do you look like you’re hiding something, Mags?”

Cali knew me better than anyone, and I was not going to be able to keep my actions from the night before or this morning secret for long. So, with a little bit of reluctance, I told Cali about the cause of my hangover and what happened that morning.

Cali’s face went from calm to startled, her jaw hanging wide open as she blinked a few times. But to my surprise, Cali sat, listening to my story silently until it was over. “So do you like Walker?” Her words were dripping with disapproval and disappointment. She sat up straight in her chair, gripping the backrest and bar top with all her might, restraining herself. She looked like she was about to try to smack sense into me, thankfully, she didn’t.

“I really don’t know. I didn’t think so.” Nervously, I started to fumble with the soggy coaster my beer had been sitting on. Right in the nick of time, Todd came over with our two monstrous, jalapeno cheddar bacon burgers. I was so thankful for food and the distraction from my story. I had no clue how I wanted to feel about Walker, and was not ready to figure it out. I was scared to have feelings for him and scared not to. I was completely torn.

Every instinct I had was telling me there was no way I could, with good conscience, have feelings for Randy’s best friend. But there were little butterflies in the pit of my stomach while talking about him to Cali. Confusion was becoming all too familiar to me, and I hated my feelings and confessions more and more as the words dripped out.

We both put smoky barbecue sauce on our burgers, and Cali picked off her pickles, putting them on my plate. Tossing the pickle chips into my mouth, relief to be eating and not talking swam into my grumbling belly. Facing reality was pushed off for a little while longer about my house guest, and if he would become more.

But Cali had other plans for our conversation about my situation. She was going to make me figure everything out right then and there by the look in her eyes.

“Well.” She was looking up at me still holding her burger with both hands, barbecue sauce on her chin. “You are going to need to figure this one out soon. How was it, kissing him?”

I frowned, not wanting to discuss it further. “I don’t remember it, Cali. I blacked out.”

Cali put her burger down and turned her barstool so she could look right at me, frustration building with every word that came out of her mouth. “Margret, you kissed him today. How did it make you feel?”

Her eyes were boring into me, and I blushed again. “It was amazing while it lasted. His lips are the perfect combination of soft and rugged.” I clasped my hand over my mouth, shocked at my own words.

Cali turned back to the bar, grabbing her beer again. “Then you have your answer. Go for it. He obviously won’t say no.” The tone in Cali’s voice was dramatic and annoyed, but I knew she meant what she was saying, just reluctantly. She finished her entire beer and signaled to Todd for a refill. Knowing us too well, Todd brought us both beers and left us to continue our conversation.

With pleading eyes, I looked at her, feeling as if I was about to start falling apart right there onto my plate. “Can’t we just shoot the shit and forget about everything this afternoon? Please?” There was no reason to continue talking about my Walker situation; I told him we were just going to be friends, nothing more or less. Why was Cali swooping in now when it was too late, complicating everything?

Cali grimaced at me. “Mags, I don’t think we can ignore this one. You’ve been hiding from your feelings for too long. Even though I would rather you be with anyone else, at least it’s a start to you moving on. Besides, you don’t like Kyle, and I’m married to the bastard!” Cali paused for a second, her lips softening and with love rushing into her eyes, she put her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll always be in your corner even if you dive my bat shit crazy!” We both giggled and, begrudgingly, I agreed that if we didn’t have to talk about the subject anymore, I would think about my feelings, or lack thereof, for my roommate.

After finishing our deliciously messy monster burgers, we gave Todd hugs over the bar and promised him we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

Cali and I got back into her car in an awkward silence. I felt a little embarrassed about our conversation, so the pause in discussion was warmly welcomed after a few uneasy moments. Luckily, Cali had no intention of pressing me anymore on the issue of our girls’ day. We went and got manicured, pedicured and plucked for the remainder of the late afternoon. We talked about frivolous things with our technicians and mostly giggled during our appointments. It felt fantastic to relax with my best friend.

Cali dropped me off, rolling down her window as she pulled out of my driveway, calling out after me. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

I waved her goodbye with a forced “Ha! I’m an angel compared to you!”

I sighed as I turned to go into my dark, empty house. I flicked on the front room lights, remembering Walker had plans for the evening. Light feelings of jealousy hit the back of my brain, thinking he might be out on a date. I had to remind myself I told him hastily that I just wanted to be friends, so whatever he was doing was none of my business. I did find a little comfort in his comment the night before about not dating, then remembering the beginning of that conversation sent me into a momentary fit of jealous rage. What if he’s out screwing that blonde bitch of a bartender from the night before? Yuck!

I collapsed on the couch and tried to figure out what to say to Walker when he finally got home. Do I really have feelings for him? Or is it that I just miss Randy so much? My brain started to hurt with all of my indecisiveness, and I flipped on the TV to try to snuff out the noise in my head. After about a half hour of Laverne and Shirley, my stomach started to growl.

Opening up my fridge, I stared at the random items, none of them perking my interest in the slightest. . Without a second thought, I crabbed a Chinese food takeout menu out of the drawer, my old standby. I placed an order for delivery, trudging back over to the couch after pouring myself a too-large-to-be-classy glass of Pinot Noir.

The doorbell rang not too long after, announcing the arrival of my scrumptious junk food. I grabbed my wallet out from inside my purse on the table next to the door and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. The familiar smile of my delivery driver beamed at me as he handed me the brown paper bag of more greasy food, and took my money. He wished me a pleasant evening and left in a rush, practically running to his car. I had almost entirely stopped cooking for myself over the last few months, so the pizza and Chinese food delivery guys in the area all knew me pretty well as a good tipper. I smiled down at my bag of General Tso chicken and returned to my comfy seat on the couch.

I started flipping through the channels, trying to find something to distract me as I took out my chopsticks and white to-go boxes. Finally, I settled for some mushy old movie and brought my legs up to sit more comfortably. I could barely watch the movie as I ate, thinking way too much about Walker. It surprised me how much I thought about him, how many things seemed to remind me of him, and how badly I wanted him to be there with me. It almost felt like I was divided right down the middle. Half of me wanted something more with Walker, and the other thought the notion was utterly ludicrous.

Forcing myself to shut off my brain, I watched the end of the movie, envious of the couple living happily ever after at the end of their drama-filled love affair. I glanced down at my phone, realized it was only eleven thirty, and couldn’t help but wonder when Walker was going to be home. I tried not to think about that, and where he was. I dragged myself upstairs to shower off my crazy day, and climbed into bed with another glass of wine and a good book to, hopefully, lull me into a peaceful sleep for a change.

Before long, my eyelids started to get heavy. I set the book and wine glass down on my nightstand, glancing at the clock one more time. It was almost two in the morning and there was not one sign of Walker at all. A little bit of worry danced into my mind, hoping that, wherever he was, he was safe. Pushing the bad thoughts of Walker’s terrible drinking and driving habits into the back of my mind, I willed myself to fall into a deep, wine-endorsed slumber.