Crashing Back Down

14

I was jostled awake by Walker’s body moving out from under mine. The feeling of his bare skin shoved my senses awake and I shot up, reaching for my shorts and pulling them back on, hastily. I jumped off the couch to find only Walker’s shirt in sight; quickly, I hauled it over my bare torso. Collapsing on the other end of the couch, holding myself tightly, feeling nauseated, I started to tremble. My mind raced as I fought to make sense of all the flooding emotions coursing through my body. Suddenly, my attention snapped over to Walker as he sat paralyzed, staring at me, his jaw flexing while he pulled his jeans up his thighs.

Replaying our passionate moments sent guilt stabbing into my heart. I felt like a cheater, a whore, and dirty. Anger at my lustful actions and thoughts sugared up into my chest as I heaved and fumed.

“What?” I barked. He just shrugged, his wide eyes fixated on mine. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I stood, trying to blink back the tears, screaming started to escape from my shredding throat. “Oh my God, I am so fucking sorry, Walker!”

I bolted for the stairs, but Walker’s arms wrapped around me, tightly and gently all at the same time. He forcefully pulled my entire body into him as he kissed the top of my hair. His voice was husky, still full of lustful passion. “Please stay. Talk to me.” I spun around to see his green eyes filled with tears, his expression crushed. His shoulders sagged while losing the grip on my torso; his eye contact broke to look out the window.

Anger rushed through my body. I didn’t know if I was madder for what I just instigated, or with Walker for allowing it to happen. “I don’t know what the fuck you want with me, Walker! I am so freaking messed up right now.”

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as he held me in a tight embrace, his eyes deep with sadness, grinding his teeth with frustration. I could see he was just as torn and tormented as I was. I longed to know what he was thinking, feeling, wanting, but he just stood motionless and silent.

“I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.” I barely could get the words out through the sobbing and shaking.

Walker’s strong arms picked me up and brought me back over to the couch where he sat me down on his lap. I was just thankful he had fastened his pants back on and I tried to let my body relax. All different emotions were assaulting me; lust, passion, hate, loneliness, disappointment, satisfaction. I didn’t know which one to start dealing with first. I couldn’t help but feel almost dirty, like I was cheating on Randy. Of course, that feeling was ridiculous because you can’t cheat on a dead person, but I just could not shake the feeling of it, or the shame of being another one of Walker’s sluts. At that thought, I felt my stomach churn into knots.

I forcefully shoved myself from Walker’s arms, retreating to the opposite side of the couch. Trembling, holding my knees tightly to my chest, I uncontrollably sobbed, keeping my eyes clenched shut so I would not have to see Walker’s crushed expression. The pain in his face sent daggers into me, further tangling into my thoughts. I wanted to run away and hold him all at the same time.

I tried to start stumbling through all of the different situations that were bothering me. The whore who had just left, missing Randy, being mad at Randy for leaving me, the feeling of being unfaithful, longing for Walker, hating how much I wanted him; all of it was attacking me, I couldn’t sort it out. Everything started to build, boiling up into physical exertion.

The next thing I knew, I was flying across the couch and slapping Walker across the face. The loud smack crackled into the silent room as Walker rubbed his pink, stubble ridden jaw. He narrowed his tear-filled eyes and raised his eyebrow at me. “Okay, you get just one of those, but what the hell, Mags? One minute you’re ripping off my clothes and the next you’re acting like you just shot the pope or something!”

I shot up off the couch, pulling at my hair while pacing around the living room. “This is all just too goddamn much! First of all, you fucking hurt me by even bringing that skank here in the first place! If you want to be with me, you have a pretty messed up way of showing it! Do you even think or care about anyone other than yourself?” I let of a growling scream, collapsing onto the floor, defiantly.

When I finally gained control over myself again, I retreated back to the other side of the couch, staring at Walker’s cold and shallow expression. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he turned to me, his voice full of pain, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. If I ever thought …” He let the rest of the sentence linger in the air, making the tension that much thicker.

I turned to him, and found myself wrapping my hands over his. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is, Walker.” I let my head fall onto our entwined hands. Taking a deep breath, I made myself say the next words, fighting with my heart as they choked out. “Maybe you should stay at the McManus’ for the next few nights.” I stopped, looking into his eyes, which was a mistake. All of the sorrow and longing in them made me want desperately to take back what I just said, but my better judgment had to win this time and I forced myself to continue. “I’m not saying I don’t want you to live here or that I know how I feel about you. I just need some time to sort through all of this.”

To my surprise, Walker did not protest my request. He promised he would leave me alone, and when I wanted to talk about it, to call him. It didn’t take long for him to pack a few of his things and call Jim to ask if it was alright. That was something that didn’t cross my mind, what my in-laws would think about their house guest returning. I pushed them out of my mind, trying to convince myself my hasty decision of asking Walker for some space was the right move.

Walker sulked over to me when he was about to leave. His muscular arms wrapped around me and I breathed in his musk deeply. Once I was in his arms, I wanted to beg him to stay. Our eyes met, and he lunged for the door quickly, probably knowing what my next words were going to be. With a swift goodbye, he left.

When the door shut, remorse washed over my entire body. Shame had so many more faces than usual; betraying Randy, feeling smutty, kicking Walker out, and longing for his lips again. It was all too much for me to process.

I walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of Jack out of my freezer. Opening it, I figured drinking out of the bottle was in order for this situation; a glass would just make me get numb slower.

I went through the motions of the next few days, just self-medicating with alcohol, stupid TV reruns, a book I had read a thousand times, and work. I ignored the calls from Cali, my mother and everyone else who felt the need to check up on me. The only call I answered was from Mitch. I knew he needed me, and we talked for a while about how his shattered family was handling everything.

He and his father had not heard from Eva since she ran away. We both figured it was all for the best. Mitch had been pretty worried about Buck, and decided that it was in both of their best interests if Mitch moved back home for a while. The conversation started to lean in a direction I was not comfortable with, and when Mitch asked how living with Walker was going, I ended the call lying that work was on the other line. I felt like a complete batty loon, coward, idiot, harlot, and many other things all rolled into one.

For the first time, I was excited to be sitting in my therapist’s lobby. I desperately needed advice, or really, someone to make decisions for me. Dr. Davenport was sickeningly cheerful, ushering me in from the waiting room. Her hair was done in bouncy curls and she had a hint of red lipstick on, which made her skin look almost pasty white. She smiled wide at me, taking her regular seat across from me on the couch, daintily crossing her ankles as she opened her note pad to write. She looked up at my blood-shot eyes, forcing her cheery smile to twist into a frown. “Have you been getting enough sleep, Mags?”

The amount of concern that filled her voice made me feel sick. “Yeah, I guess so.” I slouched down onto the back of the couch. I didn’t know why I was lying to my therapist, but it seemed like the correct answer.

Candice stared at me for a minute, analyzing my gaze. “So, have you considered having someone move in or not?”

I couldn’t believe how much had changed since the last time I had seen her. Has it really only been a week since my last session? Anger at her stupid suggestion of having a roommate in the first place, forced me to lash out. “Terrible! Why couldn’t you have just told me to get a freaking dog or something?” Tears already were starting to pour from my burning eyes and my face and neck were hot with anger at myself and at the terrible situation I had dug myself into.

Shocked at my response, she shifted in her chair. “What happened? Did someone move in already?”

I tried to calm my temper and being as polite as possible, forcing a softer expression as I took the tissue from Candice’s dainty hand. I explained to her about Walker moving in and how I was conflicted. I told her everything up to Sunday’s events. I was still ashamed of my feelings and actions from that day. I did not feel right letting those words escape me. Mostly, it was from fear that if I said it out loud, it must have really happened.

My therapist calmly sat, letting me finish my whole story, well, everything up to my evening ending with Cali. I didn’t know how to put the rest into words, so I didn’t. I just waited, hoping Candice would take over the conversation. Her hand stopped writing, as she gazed up into my eyes, her voice low. “So, have you made up your mind about your roommate? Do you think you have feelings for him?”

YES! I silently screamed, but my body just shrugged shyly, fading more into the couch.

“This is something we need to explore. Please, Mags, I am here for you to tell me anything. Don’t hold back on yourself, it will only delay progress.”

Not wanting to fight my feelings anymore, I finally let myself open up to my therapist. I relaxed my body, forced in a deep breath and began to finish my story. Once I got to the point of asking Walker to leave for a little while, a little bit of sadness settled in. I realized then that I truly missed him.

I had not seen or heard from Walker since he left my house. It was odd for us, usually talking every day, especially since we were supposed to be roommates. I sighed, wondering what he had told Jim and Liz about why he had returned. It was strange for Liz not to call me if she thought something was wrong. I planned hat after my session was over, I was going to call her to “check in” but really it was to get information about Walker.

I realized my body had stiffened again as Candice began, looking up from her notepad. “Let me just see if I have the time line of events correct.” She paused and waited for my nod of approval before continuing. “You asked Walker to move in Wednesday on your way to work. By the end of the day on Thursday, he was all settled in. Friday you and he went out, leading into your fight, ending this past Sunday with finding out Walker didn’t sleep with the girl and then sleeping with him yourself.” I stared at her, my lips parted, letting the reality of how fast everything had happened. In my shock, I could only nod yes to confirm her chronicle.

Candice shifted in her seat, leaning over and reaching for my hands, I hadn’t realized how badly they were shaking. With warm, thoughtful eyes, her voice softened. “Mags, let’s talk about what is really bothering you.”

I nodded, but didn’t know what I was supposed to say. There was misunderstanding and pain settling in. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. When I felt Candice’s warm hand on my forearm, our eyes met. She had a look of concern as she continued. “Are you worried someone might replace Randy?

Tears started to well up in my eyes, realizing her words were true. I nodded again and she continued, never moving her hand or changing her expression, “I would like you to try to forgive yourself for wanting to be happy. I would like for you to try to understand that your vows were fulfilled and he would want you to move on. I want you to know that you deserve happiness and to be loved again.”

She handed me the box of tissues, pausing for a minute for my sobs to calm a little. Her words were piercing into me causing me to gasp for air. Candice grabbed my hand again, regaining her thoughtful eye contact, “I want you to let yourself fall in love again. If it happens to be with Walker, or with someone else, it does not matter. But,” She paused for a brief second, choosing her words carefully, “You need to free your heart to make room for someone new. I am not asking you to stop loving Randy. What you shared was magical and no one will ever be able to replace him to you.”

I was shuddering, crying, sobbing; acting like a blubbering fool. I could not compose myself. Everything that was just said I knew but never let myself think about or feel. Every suppressed emotion was smoldering, blistering my entire body. I went through the motions instead of allowing myself to grieve appropriately or let go; now it was being forced upon me. I involuntary took a few deep breaths as Candice instructed and they surprisingly helped. I was able to stop the almost hyperventilation, leaning back to try to calm my rigid muscles.

For a few minutes, we sat in silence; while Candice kept a soft, compassionate hand on mine. All I could do was stare at the floor, still shaking a little. She settled back down into a seemingly more comfortable position and asked me again in a whisper, “Mags, do you think you have feelings for Walker?”

This time I nodded yes as I let my head collapse into my open hands, tears falling more furiously down my cheeks, my nose even starting to run. Guilt washed over my body like icy water. I looked up and grabbed a few more tissues, waiting for more questions to be fired away, but they never came. Candice looked down at her watch, smiled sheepishly at me and told me she thought that our session had been very successful. She looked satisfied when I agreed, starting to leave her office, turning back quickly when one final question came to me, “What do you think I should do about Walker?” My voice was pleading and trembling, my eyes matching my tone.

She grinned at me again, put a loving hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a much-needed hug.

“I think I am going to call Walker, we have a lot to figure out and talk about. Thank you.” I pulled away from my therapist.

She nodded at me with a reassuring smirk and wished me luck as I opened the door to leave the building.