Crashing Back Down

19

Walker sat up and stretched next to me after we realized that we were cutting it close to getting ready for dinner with Liz and Jim. In agreeing for us to bring the dessert, he unknowingly promised I would bake one of my famous German chocolate cakes. It was Liz’s favorite, and usually my bartering chip for her amazing four-course dinners.

“Well, we better get to the store so we can start baking.” I stretched too, and then got up to tie my bed hair into a messy bun and throw on some eyeliner so I looked a little more presentable.

Wrapping me up into an inviting embrace from behind, Walker lips caressed my ear, teasing me a little. “Why can’t you just be a normal dinner guest and bring a store-bought cookie cake or something?”

I smiled, turning to look at the smoldering lust still flickering in Walker’s green eyes, trying to resist how sexy he looked without a shirt on, looking at me like that. “Because this is what I do and its Liz’s favorite. Come on! It’ll be fun! You can help me.”

With an innocent, mockingly cute face, Walker shook his head. “Mags, I can’t bake, I’ll burn the house down.”

“Well, frankly, you don’t have a choice. I need a sous chef and you’re it, so go get dressed and I’ll make us a list.”

Protesting a little bit more, Walker sulked on his way out of the room and I scribbled all of the ingredients onto a loose piece of paper. I was pretty excited to have dinner with Liz and Jim. I really had missed them, and with them only living a few doors down, that notion was almost silly to me. I knew I was avoiding them because of my newfound feelings for Walker, but I also knew they would support me in finding happiness, whichever road I had to take to get there.

I started to rummage through my cabinets and pantry, checking ingredients off my list left and right, realizing I had everything except for the German baker’s chocolate and shaved coconut in my kitchen. I began to line up all the needed items, when a low groan came from behind me. “Mags, is it bad I’m nervous to see the McManus’?”

Walker was standing in the doorway, head down, hands in his pockets, with a solemn look on his face. It was an uncomfortable contrast to my excitement, which confused and pained me. I made my way over to him, cupping both his cheeks in my hands, bringing his gaze up to meet mine. “You have the right to feel any way you do, Walker.” I paused, let my words sink in and then continued. “If you’re not feeling up to going or are going to be uncomfortable being there, then don’t go. I can make up an excuse about you eating undercooked chicken for lunch and they’ll be fine. I’ll have a quick dinner and then come home to you.”

Walker pressed his cheek against mine, took a deep breath, kissed me quickly then shook his head, all in rapid fire. “No, love. Look at you! You’re beaming. How could I miss that, or be scared of it?” He smiled down at me and kissed my cheek again. “Liz and Jim are family. They’ll be supportive over anyone else.”

I hugged tightly around Walker’s waist. “Exactly!”

I started to go over the list of things we needed to do for our baking afternoon. “First, I'll get the last two ingredients, and then teach you how to froth egg whites, and you’ll make the frosting while I do the other stuff.” I was going a mile a minute, bouncing up and down in the kitchen.

Walker grabbed my shoulders to stabilize me, and his face lit up with joy, “Mags, I haven’t seen you like this in, I really don’t know how long. How about this; I’ll run to the store, you preheat the oven and get started, and I’ll be back soon.”

I nodded yes, “That’s perfect. Thanks, love!”

He dug his keys out of his pocket, took the list of two things out of my hand and wrapped me. “Please stay this happy, you’re my joy. When you’re happy, it’s contagious to me.”

I looked up at Walker, smiling with tears forming, but they felt different. They were happy, I was happy. It was such a foreign feeling I was almost unnerved. “I’ll be happier once you’re back and we can get this ball rolling.” Of course, I was joking, and Walker shot me a playful grin before heading out the door.

Walker only took long enough at the store for me to straighten my hair and have a few sips of a jack and ginger to keep up with my effervescent mood. Once he came in, I made him a drink and we put on aprons. With much protesting on Walker’s part, but I finally got him to wear a ‘kiss the cook’ pink apron with bright red lips on it; the sight was just adorable and I obeyed the writing’s command more than once.

Surprisingly, Walker was a big help and knew his way around the kitchen more than he let on. Within no time, the icing was in the fridge chilling, and the smell of baking chocolaty goodness was engulfing my entire home. I breathed in the delectable smell with every chance I got; it reminded me of a time when I was free of heartache, guilt, and emotion.

While waiting for the cake to finish baking, Walker and I, each with a batter-covered beater in hand, made our way to the couch to relax. Walker’s mood had noticeably lightened, the looks of worry and shame vanished. I was so relieved. It was going to be hard enough with Jim and Liz finding out that I was shacking up with Walker.

I snuggled down into the crook of Walker’s arm and licked the uncooked cake off the cool metal, enjoying every minute of this bliss. “Walker, thanks for this. I know you’re not too excited about dinner. It means a lot to me.”

He shuffled next to me so our eyes could meet, a soft expression lay on his lips along with some left over chocolate from his beater. “Mags, I was just being dumb. Tonight means a lot to me, too. I love Jim and Liz like they were my own parents.” He looked away for a second, his voice growing a little more distant. “Maybe, I just don’t want to upset them.”

I rested my head gently on his shoulder as the buzzer sounded for me to take the cake out of the oven. Talk about being saved by the bell. The truth was, I felt the same way Walker did. There was no way I would ever be ready to tell my dead husband’s parents that I was in a relationship, let alone with their son’s best friend. But, they would find out eventually, and I wanted to be the one they heard it from, not the grapevine.

Calling out from the kitchen, into the living room where Walker still lazily lay on the couch, I said, “Want to come see our masterpiece?” I smiled as he walked into the kitchen while I spread the cool frosting over the steaming cake layers, letting it melt and drip over the sides perfectly.

“Where’d you learn how to make this?” Walker smiled and took some of the coconut frosting onto his finger to taste it.

“Actually, I taught myself. I had to do a lot of cooking for myself and my mom when I was a kid, so I had to learn.” I bit my lip, scraping the last of the coconut frosting from the bowl. “Besides, when your mom doesn’t give two shits, and you're ten, cake for dinner is pretty awesome.” I smiled, remembering back to those terrible days of loneliness, and having to learn to grow up too fast. It was a strange reaction, but there was nothing else I could do about it, other than smile, no use in sulking in the past was my new motto.

Walker’s hands grabbed my hips firmly, pulling me into his strong body. “I’m sorry you had to go through something like that, but damn you’re a good cook for it.”

He kissed me, breathing in deeply, as if to try to take some of my pain away, and it worked. There was passion in his kiss, even though our tongues did not meet. He buried his fingers in my locks and pulled me against him; barely a breath between us. Urgency was in his every move and my knees quivered from the intensity. If it was possible for two people to make sparks, simply by connecting at their lips, I would think we would have been a firework display in the dark. All of the frustration of my past melted away into the loving devotion I had holding onto me.

I closed my eyes and pulled away, just slightly. “Thanks Walker. I need to get dressed, be down in a second.” Walker’s round, loving eyes smiled along with the rest of his face when he saw the sadness had vanished from my expression and nodded, releasing me from his grip.

I dressed quickly in a pink, flowing top, tight skinny jeans, and my favorite cork wedges. I dabbed on a little bit of makeup and threw my hair into a ponytail. Somewhere along the way of cooking, the flatiron job I had done earlier was non-existent, and my hair resembled a tangled lion’s mane. There definitely was not enough time to tame my crazy mess, so I had to contain it somehow.

Walker and I got to the front step of my in-laws, and before we could get close to the threshold, Liz’s beaming face was staring at us from the doorway, arms outstretched wide. The three of us hugged as Liz said, “You two live so close and never come over. This is such an amazing treat.”

As I walked into the house, the smell of smoked brisket filled my nostrils, and my mouth started to water. Jim’s smoker was one of my favorite things in the world because of how well he used it. I turned to Liz, her face still plastered with a Cheshire Cat effervescence.

“I have a surprise for you!” I started to raise the cake out from the bag I was carrying and Liz’s face lit up more.

Taking the cake from my hands, excitement oozed from her words. “Oh Margret, this is wonderful! You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

I took both her shoulders into my hands. “Just to see that look on your face makes it no trouble at all!”

Walker and Jim strode into the foyer with beers for both of us. Jim lifted me off the ground and cracking my back from how tightly he held me. I wrapped my arms around his neck tight, whispering in his ear as he put me down. “I missed you too.”

We all made our way to the dining table where I helped Liz bring out all the delicious looking food; mashed sweet potatoes, corn on the cob, the sliced brisket, green beans, and stewed apples. Walker leaned back in his chair, eyes wide at the spread. “Wow, guys! Y’all cooked for an army!”

Right then, the doorbell rang and Liz jumped up to answer the door. “Oh good, Mitch and Buck are here.”

I heard her say her greetings to the guys at the door, and Walker and I shrugged at each other. It wasn’t weird for Liz and Jim to extend the invitation for dinner to Mitch and his dad, especially if they had heard about the recent separation. We all got up from the table to greet the rest of our dinner party. I walked into the kitchen behind Mitch, where he was putting the case of beer he had brought into the fridge. “Hey Mitch, how’re the two of you holding up?”

He put his hand gently on my arm, his bloodshot eyes glassy as he tried to smile. “I’m not going to lie to you, Mags. It’s been rough with Dad. He’s been really depressed. I think tonight is going to be good for him.”

I nodded in agreement and through my arms around Mitch’s neck. I knew how tough it was to have a pained parent, and having to be the one to hold them together.

We all gathered at the table again and Jim raised his glass for a toast. “To family, no matter how we all became it, that’s what we are.” We offered cheers to one another and started to pass all of the amazing dishes around the table. Silence fell over us as we munched and noshed away. The only sounds that emanated for the majority of the meal were the occasional moans of delicious pleasure or, “This is amazing,” “Liz and Jim you’ve outdone yourselves,” and, “We need to do this more often.”

Once dinner was rounding an end, I got up and sliced the cake for everyone, and served it while Mitch and Walker cleared the dinner plates. Buck and Jim started small-talking about planning a fishing trip soon, with Mitch and Walker agreeing they should all go camping and fishing that following weekend along the Saint Johns River. I helped rinse some of the dishes and loaded the dishwasher to come back into the dining room to find all eyes on me.

“So, Margret, Walker just spilled the beans I guess.” Jim’s stern frown was painful to look at, and Liz’s eyes were wide with concern, darting back and forth from Walker’s ashamed face to my shock.

I took my seat next to Liz again, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “What do you mean, spilled the beans?”

My eyes locked onto Walker’s, begging for him to explain, but Jim spoke first. “Roommates is what they’re all calling it these days, real classy.” He shoved away from the table and stormed out of the room. Panic flickered into my heart as I scrambled and ran after him, slamming the sliding glass door to the patio behind me. If I was going to get scolded for shacking up with Walker, I did not want the whole room to hear it.

“Jim, I wanted to tell you myself, just the four of us. I am so sorry if you don’t approve. He’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.” I was pacing back and forth in front of Jim who was sitting on an old recliner, rocking slowly. I ran my fingers through my hair, begging myself to not completely breakdown.

“Margret, Walker is a great guy. It’s just odd, you know?” He stared at his feet for a second and I blankly stared, hoping he would continue. Thankfully, he did. “Randy and Walker were best friends, I know that. But the way Walker always looked at you, even before the wedding, it never sat right with me, that’s all.”

“There had never been anything between us until now. Walker has always been there for me as a friend. That’s it, nothing more or less.” I sat in front of his chair and stared up into the same eyes my husband had, and they killed me. It almost felt like Randy was the one saying these words, having this conflict, admitting this to me instead of Jim.

We stayed silent and motionless for a few painstaking minutes. Jim coughed, finally looking up from his worn out work boots, “As long as you’re happy and taken care of. I don’t really see how I could disapprove. I was just shocked, that’s all.”

Jim gave me a warm smile, nodded his head and stood, helping me up. “Yeah, I’m probably being protective. You are my only daughter for crying out loud. Walker’s a good one.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder to give me a quick squeeze. “I’m sure if anyone was going to be looking after you, Randy would have wanted it this way.”

We walked into a frozen scene of awkward staring. Jim nodded and smiled at Liz and she melted. “Oh, good. I have to say I’m thrilled.” She got up and hugged Walker, then me, and we were all able to enjoy our mouth-watering, delicious cake.

Buck had frosting all in his grizzly beard as he went into the kitchen to grab seconds. “Mags, this is amazing. You’re going to have to make me one of these soon.”

I beamed up at Buck’s glowing face. “I’ll make one for when you boys get back from your fishing trip. How about we do this again next Sunday? Other families have Sunday dinners, why no tours?”

Everyone agreed that it was a plan. Mitch and Buck said their goodbyes first; Buck happily left with a quarter of the cake in a doggie bag, a goofy grin plastered on this tired face. It made me remember that it truly is the little things in life that matter. I needed to start letting go and just enjoying the ride. I figured dinner was a breakthrough of some kind, and I was ready to get the progress ball rolling.

Walker and I sat on the couch with Liz and Jim for a glass of rosé wine and chatted. Jim told us he finally planned on retiring at the end of the month, Liz raved about her new book club, and Walker and I soaked in their happiness. Even though it was odd how we were all glued together by a ghost, we had become family through it all, maybe dysfunctional and broken, but what family isn’t?