Crashing Back Down

23

The next few days rolled by effortlessly. The pain and longing for Randy had started to transform into different duller pains. It started to get less often that the stabbing of longing hit my heart. The shame was still assaulting my thoughts but I needed to learn to live with “survivor’s guilt” as my doctor had titled it, and being reminded that she was no longer there to confide in was getting easier, but not by much. Cuddling up into Walker every night was helping more and more as our trust and relationship blossomed. His strong body held me until I fell asleep all through the night.

The sunlight streaming through my window felt warm on my face as I started to slowly come out of a dreamless sleep. I rolled over, snuggling up into the warm muscles to my left. His scent was intoxicating as I was lulled back into a peaceful shallow slumber. A few minutes later, I could feel rustling from under me. Groggily I attempted to move away to give a little bit more space to my bed mate. Before I could realize what words were forming on my lips, they had already escaped. “Randy, I’m sorry.” I was shocked awake, clasping both of my hands around my mouth, looking into Walker’s pained eyes. He bolted up out of my bed, still naked from our passionate night together.

His fist crashed into the headboard as a deep growl emanated from his throat. “Am I just a freaking replacement for him?”

All I could do is shake my head, too scared that my words might betray me again. Forcefully he grabbed my shoulders and shook me vigorously, his eyes almost black with his rage. “Then what the fuck, Mags? What the hell am I to you?”

Tears started to sting at my eyes. I tried unsuccessfully to bat them away; they started to surge down my cheeks and I could see the wrath boiling throughout Walker’s body. He was standing next to my bed, fists clenched to the point of his knuckles becoming white, just glaring at me. I swallowed the lump of guilt for my words down slowly as I said the only thing I could. “You’re my best friend, Walker.” I broke my eye contact with him; the pain in his eyes was too much for me to bear. “I was half asleep. Please, I didn’t know what I was saying.”

Walker grabbed his boxers from where I had thrown them the night before, hurriedly put them on and started pacing angrily next to my bed. His fists still clenched and every inch of his skin that tattoos did not cover was beet red.

The only times I had ever witnessed Walker this angry was when he was about to get in a fight, and there was no way I was going to win that battle. His pacing started to slow and he muttered to himself to calm down and remember it was an accident. Finally, he calmed down enough to unclench his fists, stop mid-step and look at me, tears running down his face.

Still shaking and crying softly, I tried to sit up a little straighter. Walker slowly took a seat close to me and wrapped his hands around mine. His voice was low and stern, not matching his words. “Mags, I’m sorry. That was an overreaction. I know you care about me.”

I wiped his tears away, smiling as much as I could force my lips to. “Walker, you mean so much to me. I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re right. That was a mistake and I will try to never let something like that happen again.”

His back stiffened and he nodded quickly, choking back some tears. “I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick and then I have to run to the store with the guys to get the last of the bait and tackle for the weekend. Do you need anything while I’m out?”

For a few seconds I stared at him. I would never be able to understand how he just snapped from one emotion to the next like that. One minute his world could be ending and the next it was all sunshine and unicorns.

“No.” I shook my head, wiping my face clean of the damp, saltiness with my sheet. “I’m good.”

I stood and kissed Walker, letting the passion flow between us. With the kiss still tingling on my lips, Walker whispered, “You mean so much to me too, Mags. Don’t ever forget that.” The warmth and sincerity of his words flowed deep down into my stomach, filling me with love and gratitude for this amazing man who put up with my loony-toon self day in and day out.

Walker left me to do my makeup, throw my messy bed hair into a bun, and slip on my heels. I still had a little bit of time to kill before I had to rush off to work, so I decided to head down to make some coffee instead of torturing myself with the awful brew that was left for hours, burning in the employee break room at the hospital.

When I passed by the hall bathroom next to Walker’s room, I was surprised to not hear the water running in the shower. I didn’t think too much of it until I heard Walker muttering quite loudly to himself, huffing in his room. The door was cracked just enough that I could see him rocking on his bed, hands clenched over his eyes while he muttered, “What the fuck man! Keep it together!” He paused, let a low growl radiate from deep in his throat and then continued. “Why the fuck did he die? It should have been me. I should be fucking dead.”

With that, his hands were removed from his blood-shot eyes and I froze as they locked on mine. I was a deer caught in the headlights and there was a car barreling right at me. Before I could take in a breath, Walker’s body slammed into mine, his hands on my shoulders, gripping tightly as we crashed into the wall behind me.

I let out a loud, painful shriek as terror consumed me. All of the rage I had seen just moments before in my room and just now in Walker’s eyes was fixated on me. I stuttered, begging for words to come out, anything to try to soothe the anger away. He was a switched that I never wanted to set off again.

Through clenched teeth, his raspy voice crackled, “What the fuck are ya doin’? Spyin’ on me?” His eyes searched mine for answers when my throat refused to let out even a peep. I just stood pressed against the wall, feeling bruises forming from under his fingers.

Finally, my voice broke out. “Walker, you’re hurting me.”

With that, instantly the kind and caring face I had grown so accustomed to recently came flooding back. His grasp turned into a loving, soothing embrace in a blink of an eye and he was apologizing. “Oh my God, I don’t know what just got into me.” He started to tremble and he rocked our bodies slowly together. “I get really angry sometimes from the war, and Randy, and wishing I could take your pain away. I guess it all just came bubbling up this morning.”

Tears started to run down my face again, messing up all my makeup. I could feel the black smearing under my eyes as Walker’s thumbs battled the droplets. His shoulders hunched as he crouched to get a better look at my eyes. “Mags, I will never let that happen again. I never want to hurt or scare you.”

I nodded and hugged him, breathing in his wonderful scent and gripping his soft shirt as tightly as I could. “We both made mistakes today, Walker, let’s just chalk it up to getting used to living together.” I looked up into his loving eyes and hoped that I would never have to see the Mr. Hyde side of him ever again. “Okay?” The words shook out of the back of my throat as a single tear rolled down Walker’s cheek.

He smiled, clinging onto me tightly and whispered, “I promise. Now get your cute little butt to work, you’re going to be late again.”

In a panic, I remembered it was Friday and that I had to make it into the office. My day was jam-packed with meetings and paperwork, and I had already been late enough. Even though my boss was tolerant and I always made sure to get my work done, I never wanted to take advantage.

I jumped into the driver’s seat of the old truck and let her engine hum as I sped out of the driveway. The morning’s events played in my mind the entire way to work. Even though I was about thirty minutes late, no one seemed to notice. I slid into my office and started to gather the paperwork and notes for my first disciplinary meeting with one of the nurses when my phone buzzed loudly on my desk. A text message from Cali shined brightly on the screen:

Hey Chica, so are the boys still going out of town this weekend? Kyle’s going to be at some cop training course until Tuesday.

I smiled, thankful I was going to have a weekend alone with Cali for a change. She had been so busy with work ever since her last business trip that we barely had spoken. She, of course, checked in on me all the time to make sure I hadn’t gone completely bat-shit crazy after the incident in my doctor’s office, but that was pretty much it. We were used to having tons of girls' outings full of shopping, primping, tanning, that I’d really started to miss my best friend.

I typed a quick message back:

They’re gone through Sunday! Yay! Girl’s weekend!

All I got back was a smiley face and I figured she and I would hammer out some solid plans after the boys packed up for their fishing adventure. With the morning that Walker and I had, this trip was coming at a perfect time. Until then, I hadn’t realized how much pressure Walker was under, and how much guilt he, too, had buried deep down in the darkest parts of his soul.

I was thankful for my meetings and heavy workload throughout the day. It helped me stay focused on other things rather than my problems at home and made the day zoom by. Right before I left the office I sent Walker a message, letting him know I was on my way home. This was not my common practice, but the last thing I wanted to do was startle him again. He let me know that he was packing up for the trip and by the time I got home all the guys would be at my house loading up the truck.

On the drive home I called Cali to see what her evening plans were. “Hey, Cal. How was work?”

She sighed into the phone. “It was slow and hot! Can you freaking believe that the A/C went out this morning and it took all day for the stupid tech to even show up. So fucking ridiculous!”

I chuckled a little at her discomfort. “At least you’re in the comfort of your car’s air now.”

“Oh you have no idea!” I could hear the relief in her voice as she continued, “So, as for this weekend, Kyle is leaving tomorrow morning. We’re having dinner tonight at his folks’ house. Let’s shoot for hanging out tomorrow starting early! So be ready.”

I was thrilled to be able to spend the whole day with Cali, but I was a little sad that she was unavailable for the evening. The thought of being alone terrified me. But I swallowed my pity party before Cali could hear it in my voice. “Perfect. Call me in the morning.”

“Alright sounds great, gotta run and get ready for this boring ass dinner! Love you!”

“Love you, too!”

Walker was right; when I pulled into the driveway, I was greeted by huge, excited grins and elated faces. Jim picked me up in one of his awesome bear hugs and spun me around. I laughed until he finally set me back down on the ground. “Well, you all look excited!”

Buck wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “This is going to be a much-needed great time. Some male bonding with friends and family is definitely what the doctor ordered.”

Mitch kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear to behave this weekend without them. I playfully shoved him away, smiling widely as Walker came over with a playful look on his face.

Taking me into his arms, he looked over my head at Mitch. In the sternest voice he could muster while laughing, he accused, “Are you hittin’ on my woman, man? Not fucking cool.”

Mitch jokingly pointed his finger at himself and shook his head. “Hell no,” He then threw his hands in the air innocently. “It was all her, man.” He walked away laughing, grabbing the tackle boxes and loading them in the bed of Walker’s truck.

Walker spun me around so I was facing him, looking down at me with a soft apologetic look on his face. His kissed my forehead gently. “I missed you today and I’m so sorry.” He breathed in deeply as he tightened his grasp around my waist.

I buried my face into his chest and sighed. “Oh Walker, I forgave you at seven-thirty this morning. Stop dragging out old news.” I was smiling warmly up at him, and his face finally formed into a matching expression.

The guys all said their goodbyes and Walker kissed me deeply while the gang yelled from the truck about needing to get on the road already and not wanting to see our “PDA”. I giggled and waved as they pulled away.

I sighed to myself, not knowing what I was going to do with my evening. I shrugged my shoulders and made my way through my front door. Once I flicked on the light I saw one of the most beautiful sights ever. The entire living and dining room was covered in white and yellow daisies in tons of vases of all different sizes. I was stunned that Walker had gone to all of this trouble for me, or that he had remembered daisies were my favorite flower.

I made my way through the maze of huge bouquets into my kitchen to find Chinese takeout on the breakfast table with a bottle of wine that had a card taped to it that read:

Darling,

I am sorry for everything that happened this morning. I hope you let this small gesture make up for at least some of it. Enjoy your General Tso chicken, pinot, and 'Almost Famous' (it’s in the DVD player). Have a wonderful weekend, my dear. See you soon.

With all my heart, Walker

I held the card to my chest while dialing Walker’s cell. It went to voicemail like I knew it would. Walker hated being on the phone while others were with him in a vehicle; he considered it to be rude and disrespectful. So I left him a message: “This is not a small gesture, silly! And I love it! Thank you so much. Catch lots of fish. I’m expecting dinner on Sunday, Mister. Miss you already.”

I grabbed the bottle that he had even opened for me, a glass and my food, and practically skipped into the living room where I would spend the rest of my night watching my favorite movie, gorging myself on my favorite food, and getting a little too drunk on my favorite wine. All in all it had turned out to be a lot better a day than I could have imagined. I passed out on the couch while Penny Lane was talking to Russell on the phone in William’s kitchen, for my first dreamless sleep in what felt like an eternity.