Crystal's Heart

Chapter Thirteenth

R-r-r-rrrr, click. R-r-r-r-rrrr, click. "Dammit, why won't you start?" Slamming her hand against the steering wheel, Crystal turned the ignition back to the off position and tried again. This time the Omni started but not without a great deal of fuss and a misfire. It had been a good day at work but to come out and spend ten minutes trying to get her car started had soured Crystal's mood considerably. When she was finally certain that the hatchback would stay running, she put the car in gear and pulled out of her parking space. The blocks passed as the blonde let her mind wander over the day's events. After six weeks of sweat and labor, the renovations and restoration of the building was almost complete. When Michael had called her into the office shortly before the end of her shift, Crystal feared it was to tell her that there was no more work for her to do. To her surprise, he actually called her in to make certain she wanted to work on the next project he had lined up, renovating an old school into a set of low income apartments. To top it off, he gave her a dollar an hour raise, citing her flexibility and willingness to learn new jobs, minimizing down time. To some people an extra forty dollars a week before taxes wasn't much but to Crystal it meant she could afford to pay for her therapy sessions without having to juggle the other bills or work too many hours of overtime.

And those sessions with Jenny Foster became more important as each week passed. Crystal still refused to attend the Tuesday night women's support group but she found herself more willing to talk about her feelings with her therapist. The role playing and talking about her father were still difficult, often ending up with Crystal needing to take time to get her anger, or on rare occasion her tears, under control. Even then it always meant a long night for her and Laura as Crystal would stay up late talking to her best friend about what had happened in her therapy session and how she was feeling. Laura never seemed to mind the heavy conversations, even making the point of asking about them whenever she knew Crystal had a session scheduled for that day. The two women had gotten into a habit when it came to talk, sitting on opposite ends of the couch with their feet sharing the middle cushion. It made it easier for Crystal to talk, giving her the space she needed but still close enough to get a hug when the pain was too great.

Turning onto the highway, Crystal let her thoughts drift to the relationship she and Laura shared. Since Helen's observation opened her eyes, Crystal found herself very aware of her roommate's presence and actions. There was never anything sexual or even romantic about the way Laura treated her but Crystal was aware of the affection and closeness building between them. It was the little things, she decided. A casual brush against her shoulder whenever the writer passed by, the dinner waiting for her each night, the evenings spent together on the couch watching television or sitting at the table working on the modules for the GED exam. Crystal could swear once she even felt Laura's lips brush against the top of her head during an intensely emotional chat session where she had sought the safety of the writer's embrace to release tears that otherwise refused to fall.

Rather than being disturbed by the growing closeness, Crystal found herself most agreeable to it. She willingly tagged along to the softball games and inevitable trips to the lesbian bar afterward. When Bobby left for college, Crystal went with Laura to wish him good luck, even accepting a hug from the young man and tousling his blond hair as if he were her own little brother. Since her early working hours meant that she was usually the first one up in the mornings, Crystal had taken it upon herself to make sure there was always fresh coffee waiting for when Laura awakened. Then of course there was the way the two of them had come to an unspoken compromise with each other in terms of their vastly different attitudes toward neatness and order. Crystal made sure she put the newspaper back into some semblance of order and Laura had not made a comment in quite a while about the panties that dried on the shower rod each day.

Tonight was a special night and Crystal could only smile to herself and glance over at the brightly wrapped package sitting on the passenger seat. It was Laura's birthday and despite how tight her funds were, Crystal was bound and determined to get her best friend a special present. It had taken several trips to various stores before she passed a kiosk in the middle of the mall and spotted the perfect present sitting on an upper shelf. With little thought to the cost, she ordered it, paying extra for the special items she wanted on it and waiting over two weeks for it to come in. Crystal wanted to pick up a birthday card but after checking dozens of them could not find one to properly express how she felt about Laura. In the end she gave up, deciding that the present was always appreciated more than the card. Now the time had come to finally take it out of the car and give it to her friend and Crystal found herself oddly nervous as she approached their townhouse complex. Would Laura really like it? Would a gift certificate have been better? Shaking the thoughts out of her mind, Crystal guided the Omni into the parking space and shut the ignition off, listening unhappily as the car continued to sputter and run for a few seconds before finally going silent.

When she entered the house, Crystal was surprised not to see Laura waiting downstairs for her as had been the case for every evening for the last few weeks. The faint sound of the shower clued her as to where Laura was and Crystal quickly hid the present between the couch and the bookshelf, planning on giving it after dinner. Walking into the kitchen, she was surprised to find that dinner was not in the oven nor were there any signs that Laura was planning on making anything. Confused, Crystal returned to the living room and sat down on the couch. Laura had not said anything to her about going out for dinner. Hearing the shower stop, Crystal shifted sideways so she could see the stairs. "I'm home," she called when Laura stepped out of the bathroom.

"I'll be down in a few minutes," came the reply before the door to Laura's bedroom shut.

When Laura came downstairs a few minutes later, Crystal was surprised to see her wearing sweat pants and a lavender t-shirt displaying a double women's symbol. Certainly not an outfit to wear if going out to dinner. "How was work?" Laura asked.

"Busy. We're trying to finish up everything by the first week in October and I think it's going to be close. You have plans for dinner?"

"Yes, veggie pizza from Coloso's," Laura said as she took her usual seat on the couch, propping her bare feet on the center cushion and smiling at the face Crystal made at the suggestion. "I ordered you a supreme, no anchovies and there's a pepperoni, mushroom and a cheese one coming as well. They should be here by seven."

Now Crystal was really confused. "Why so many pizzas?"

"The boys are coming over, so is Jenny. Didn't I tell you?"

"No."

"We always have a pizza party for my birthday. I'm sorry, I must have forgotten to mention it."

"Oh, that's fine. I just thought well, never mind what I thought," Crystal said. "Happy birthday, by the way."

"Thanks. Jenny should be here in a few minutes and Peter called. They're running late but they should be here by seven thirty. We'll just reheat the pizza if we need to."

"Sounds like fun." Crystal tried to keep her voice cheerful but inside she was even more nervous than before. It was one thing to give Laura her present alone, it was quite another to have it opened in front of everyone else. Why didn't I get a gift certificate instead? "Um, if they're all coming over, I'd better go change." She went to stand up but found herself stopped by Laura's hand on her wrist.

"Wait a minute. Are you okay? Seems like something is bothering you."

"No," she lied. "I'm probably just tired from work. I'll take a shower and change. Be down in a little bit."

"Hey Crystal?"

"Yeah?"

"Going for a new style with your hair?" Laura grinned. "I don't think white on blonde is a good combination."

"What?" Crystal reached up and sure enough felt more than one spot where white paint had taken residence on her head. "Must have been when I was doing the cutting in near the ceiling. I had the brush above my head most of the time." Aware of the time, she stood up and scooted past Laura on her way to the stairs. "Did you save me any hot water?"

"Better make it a quick shower, I'm afraid," Laura said apologetically. "I had to wait for the dishwasher to finish before I went in to take mine."

Crystal nodded, knowing her hair would have to be washed first lest the hot water ran out and she was unable to get the paint out. The last thing she wanted was to face their mutual friends with streaks or spots of white in her hair. As she made her way up the stairs, Crystal lifted her arm and sniffed delicately, deciding there was something far more offensive she did not want to face her friends with. She only hoped the hot water would last long enough.

Crystal finished her shower and was just coming down the stairs when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," Laura called.

"Well happy twenty-ninth birthday!" Jenny said when the door opened, giving her ex-lover a kiss on the cheek along with a one armed hug, the other hand holding Laura's present.

"Thank you, hon." Laura set the present on the side table and motioned at the couch. "Do you want something to drink? The pizza won't be here for at least fifteen minutes or so."

"You know what I like," Jenny said. "Hi Crystal."

"Hi Doc."

"Have a seat," Laura said. "Crystal, can I get you anything?"

"I'm all set," she replied, resuming her seat at the end of the couch. A quick glance over the side showed her present was still hidden from view. Jenny sat down at the other end and kicked her shoes under the table.

"Are the boys coming?" Jenny asked.

"They're running late but they said they'd be here. Jen, orange or root beer?"

"Orange sounds good. Goes well with pepperoni pizza." Jenny leaned over and lowered her voice so it would not carry to the kitchen. "So what'd you get her?"

Crystal fidgeted. "Well um just a little something. What did you get her?"

"Un uh, you don't tell, I don't tell." Jenny smiled and straightened up just as Laura came out of the kitchen with two tall glasses of soda in her hands. Frowning, Crystal looked over at the side table where a flat rectangular shirt box wrapped with red paper sat and tried to figure out what could be hidden inside.

"Here you go," the writer said, handing one glass to Jenny and keeping the other for herself, settling down into the chair. "Guess who I heard from today."

"Who?"

"Use a coaster please."

Jenny rolled her eyes and reached for a coaster. "Better? Now who called?"

"Shelly," Laura said with a smile.

"Shelly? Jet setting Shelly? What's she been up to?"

"She's getting married to an Alaskan fisherman."

Jenny let out a whoop and clapped her hands. "I can't believe it. Miss I always have a tan is going to live up in the frozen north?" "That's what she says." Laura took a sip. "I give it a year before she starts longing for the friendly skies and warmer climates." "You never know. It could be true love. Stranger things have happened."

Crystal, who had noi.e.who they were talking about, quietly watched the exchange and continued to fret over her choice of present. Lost in her insecurities, she missed Jenny addressing her the first time. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Which time?" Jenny patted her on the shoulder. "What planet did you go to anyway?"

"It's nothing," Crystal said, abruptly standing up. "Does anyone need anything from the kitchen?" The answer was obvious in the nearly full glasses Jenny and Laura were holding. "Guess not. Be right back."

The kitchen provided little relief other than the bottle of beer Crystal quickly acquired from the refrigerator. The doorbell chimed, announcing the arrival of Peter and Michael. Crystal hesitantly made her way out from the kitchen, more than a little worried that her present wouldn't hold up to the large box being cradled in Michael's arms.

The pizza arrived shortly after, providing Crystal with some reprieve before the moment arrived and Laura took her place on the couch. Michael sat in the chair while the wiry Peter perched himself on the arm. Crystal sat where she usually did at the far end of the couch, her present still hidden between the side and the bookshelf. Jenny sat on the couch arm to Laura's left, leaving the center cushion open to place the presents.

Laura opened Jenny's present first, eyes widening in surprise as she pulled the thick terrycloth robe out of the box. It was a rich cream color, a shade that Crystal felt complimented Laura's dark hair nicely. Laura thanked her ex-lover profusely for the gift, agreeing that a nice warm robe was most welcome with the coming winter.

"Our turn," Peter said, taking the large box from its resting place on the floor and setting it on the coffee table. "Now before you get excited about the box, that's not what's inside," he warned, wringing his hands excitedly. "Well go on, open it up."

"I'll have you know Mister Prim and Proper over here ruined his manicure looking for these," Michael said, reaching up with his hand to brush his wayward blond hair into place.

Crystal watched as Laura ignored the promise of a rather nice looking crock pot on the box label and tore back the tape keeping it sealed. It took some seconds for the writer to find the actual presents hidden with the crumpled newspaper. When she did, Crystal was surprised to see her holding a set of antique wall lights.

"Oh, they're perfect," Laura said, setting one down to examine its mate in more detail. Personally Crystal thought they were hideous, the brass wall plate sporting a collection of swirls and the base where the bulb went was designed in the form of some medieval creature with a diabolical grin on its rounded features holding up the hardware. Crystal decided her roommate had an odd sense of what perfect was. "Where on earth did you find them?"

"Well when I put those simple lights in on the balcony and deck I knew you didn't like their style," Michael began.

"And the griffins are a nice touch, don't you think?" Peter asked, obviously proud of his choice. "I saw a set of wrought iron coach lamp style lights but I thought they were just too common. Imagine my surprise to find these in the bottom of a box in the back of the dealer's showroom."

"Of course I'll get them installed before the cold sets in," Michael promised.

Laura looked appropriately pleased with her present and reluctantly put it back in the box before all eyes turned to Crystal expectantly.

"Oh." Realizing it was her turn, the blonde reached over the arm of the couch and retrieved her present, shyly handing it to Laura and wishing more than anything that she had gotten the gift certificate instead. "I didn't know what to get," she offered in her defense as Laura carefully tugged along the seams and removed the paper. Then there was nowhere to hide, the wooden and brass gift coming out of the box to be held between Laura's hands.

Cut from fine cherry, the solid base supported the curved letters of Laura's name resting atop it. Affixed on either side of the name was a quill on the left and a magnifying glass on the right. A discrete brass holder provided a place for the matching pen and pencil to reside. "It's beautiful," Laura said honestly, visibly moved by the sentiment.

Crystal shrugged, certain her roommate was just being gracious. "Well, you're a mystery writer and well, I just saw it and thought you'd like it."

"I love it," Laura said, reaching over and pulling Crystal into a one handed hug. "It's really a very thoughtful gift. Thank you very much." "You're welcome," the blonde mumbled, still unsure of the sincerity of the words.

"It is very nice," Jenny said, the boys nodding and adding their words. One by one they took the ornate pen and pencil holder to look at and all agreed that it was perfect for their favorite mystery writer.

"What a night," Laura said after seeing the boys to the door. She looked at the time and sighed, seriously considering letting the vacuuming wait until morning. The box the robe came in was carefully folded and put with the other boxes stored in the closet. One never knew when one needed a box. Michael and Peter's present was left in its box, moved to a corner away from the traffic flow until the contractor had time to install the lights. With the robe draped over her arm and the personalized desk accessory in her hands, Laura favored her roommate with another smile.. "This really is beautiful," she said, indicating Crystal's present. "What made you think of it?"

Crystal shrugged. "I actually didn't know what I was going to get you. I saw one of these at the mall and I just thought you would like it." "I've never seen one with a quill and magnifying glass before. It's really unique. I'm putting this right on my desk so I can see it whenever I'm writing." Before Crystal could react, Laura used her free hand to pull the younger woman in for another hug. "It really is special and I love it. Thank you." Crystal was feeling better about the gift and smiled when Laura released her. "I'm really happy you like it."

"I do, very much," the writer agreed. Giving a small smile at the noisy yawn from her companion, Laura patted Crystal on the shoulder. "Come on, it's late."

"Sounds like a plan," the blonde agreed.

"So tell me why again we're doing this?" Crystal asked as she hefted another load of dried branches into the wheelbarrow. "Bonfires need wood," Laura said, dropping her load. "Besides, it's a great way for Carmen to get all of her friends out to her place to help clear up the deadfall."

"That's what I figured," the blonde said with a smile. "At least she's got plenty of beer."

"I'd say so. You know there's two more kegs besides the one on the porch?"

"Ah, a reward for all of our hard work," Crystal grinned. "At least with you helping me I'm not having to fight off the Cuban Don Juan's advances." "That's right, just stick with me," the writer said. "I'll protect your virtue."

There was a raucous snort and they turned to see Alex stepping through the brush. "That's a line if I ever heard one, Taylor," she said, dropping the branches she was holding into their wheelbarrow. "Don't worry about this one, Crystal," she said, patting the young woman on the shoulder. "I'm a cop, you can trust me."

Crystal smiled. "I don't know if I can trust any woman who carries handcuffs with her at all times," she said.

"Ah, no sense of adventure," Alex said, pantomiming an arrow piercing her heart. "All right, all right, I'll leave you two lovebirds all alone. You'd better hurry up, though. The food's almost ready and Carmen's already opened up the second keg." The cop disappeared back through the bushes, leaving them alone once again.

Laura shook her head. "I've told her before we're not lovers."

"I've given up trying," Crystal said. "Besides, if she thinks I'm with you she doesn't hit on me as much."

"Actually with some of my friends being attached is an attraction. Wendy just loves going after someone in a relationship. I think it's the challenge."

"I must not be her type," the blonde said, stooping over to free a fair sized branch imbedded in the leaf and needle covered earth. "She's one of the few who hasn't made a pass at me."

"She prefers redheads and brunettes, I think, so you're safe. Need some help with that?"

Crystal tried again to free the stubborn log, exhaling loudly when she failed. "If you don't mind." Together they freed the log, disappointed to find the lower half decayed by insects. "So much for that," she said, letting go of her end.

"Well it's not like there's any shortage of limbs and branches around," Laura said, pulling her handkerchief out and wiping her hands. "Actually," she said, looking at the nearly full wheelbarrow, "I think we should have enough."

"I vote we head back before all the beer is gone," Crystal said, using her jeans as a towel for her muddy hands before grabbing the handles of the wheelbarrow.

"I can do that," Laura offered.

"Naw, it's light enough," she said. Where once the full cart would have been too heavy for her, two months of hauling drywall and plywood had built up her muscles enough for Crystal to hardly notice the strain of the weight. "Tell you what, why don't you go get us some beers while I bring this over to the rest of the burn pile?"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Laura said. "I'll meet you over there." She turned and headed toward the house while Crystal followed the furrow in the grass made by the other wheelbarrows until she reached the bonfire site. They'll be able to see this fire in space, she thought, looking at the large hill of wood.

"We were about to send a search party out for you," Jenny said as she approached, a clear beer bottle in hand. "Where's Laura?" "She went into the house to get me a beer and who knows what for herself," Crystal said. "Help me unload this, will ya?"

Setting her beer on the ground, the brown haired woman started helping Crystal move the wood from the wheelbarrow to the pile. "So are you staying tonight or is Laura driving you home?"

"She plans on going home later but she packed her tent in the Jeep just in case," Crystal said. "I guess we'll see how things go." "I'd offer you a ride but I plan on not being able to drive by nightfall," the therapist said. "I rarely make it home from Carmen's fall bashes before the next day."

"What are they doing over there?" Crystal asked, pointing to where several women were huddled together in the middle of a large flat grassy patch. "They're trying to set up the volleyball net," Laura answered, removing the last of the branches from the cart and retrieving her beer. "We still have a couple of hours before Carmen lights up the bonfire and twenty women need something to keep them occupied."

Crystal grinned. "I'm sure Carmen could come up with something else to keep her busy for the next few hours if she could find a willing partner." "You volunteering?"

The blonde snorted and shook her head. "Not my type, you know that," she said, her eyes spotting Laura approaching with two plastic cups full of beer in her hands. "Oh yes." Meeting her roommate halfway, Crystal took one of the cups and took several appreciative swallows. "My hero," she joked.

"I see you managed to find some help getting the wheelbarrow unloaded," Laura said, taking a sip from her beer. "You feel like watching the girls play volleyball?"

"Do you?"

"Sure," the writer said as Jenny reached them. "I might even join in for a game or two."

"You'd better watch her," Jenny said. "She's brutal when it comes to spiking the ball."

"Sounds like someone I'd want on my team," Crystal said as they headed for the volleyball area, unaware of the odd look her therapist gave her.

Within minutes the teams were formed, Laura and Crystal on Carmen's side while Jenny joined Alex's group. The white ball flew over the net and the game was on. If the women played hard on the softball field, they were merciless when it came to volleyball. Every point was hard earned with grunts and curses and not just a few disparaging remarks tossed back and forth. A novice at the game, Crystal found herself at a decided disadvantage when the rotation forced her to the front row. Unable to defend against Alex's hard spikes, she allowed two points before the rotation changed again, putting Laura on her left side.

"Don't be afraid of the ball," the writer said, bouncing her weight back and forth on her feet as she readied for the next serve. "I'll be right here if you need me."

Crystal nodded, praying the ball would not come to her again. To her dismay, the volley back from Carmen sent the volleyball right into Alex's reach. Preparing herself for another spike, Crystal was aware of a presence moving behind her. As the ball came down she reached up, sending the ball softly into the air. It was all Laura needed as she treated Alex to an authoritative spike off the cop's shoulder and to the grass.

"Lucky shot," Alex said, retrieving the ball and lightly tossing it to Carmen.

Laura moved close to her roommate and whispered into her ear. "Next time the ball comes near you, try to send it straight up and I'll take care of it, okay?" She patted Crystal's shoulder before moving back to her own position.

The game improved after that point. Crystal stopped trying to return the volleys, concentrating on setting up the ball for Laura's devastating shots. The strategy worked, allowing their team to decisively win the game. Although they did not fare as well with the rematch, Crystal still enjoyed the game very much and readily participated in a pickup basketball game played in the driveway with a portable hoop while Laura joined Carmen and Jenny with getting the grills heated up for the barbecue.

Crystal faked to the left before going to the right and around a determined Alex to sink the ball neatly into the basket.

"Lucky shot," the cop said.

"Damn right it was," Crystal replied, wiping her hand against her sweaty forehead. "Hang on a sec. I've gotta get something." The cars were parked on the grass on either side of the driveway and it only took a few seconds for her to reach Laura's car. After a check of the front and back seats proved futile, she opened the back and looked around. Squashed between the sleeping bag and the back of the rear seat was Laura's softball gear bag. Crystal opened it and spotted the blue headband. Deciding that Laura would not mind, she grabbed it and put it on, hoping it would keep both the sweat out of her eyes as well as her hair off her face.

"Aw damn," Alex joked when Crystal approached. "We were wondering if you going to take off your shirt again."

Crystal laughed along with the others, remembering the time she had done so at one of the softball games. "Sorry, nothing under this but a bra." "That's okay," the cop said, drawing a chorus of cackles from the women.

"Sure, as soon as you do," Crystal retorted, fully expecting the other woman to back down. To her surprise Alex began freeing her shirt from her shorts. "No no, wait. I was just joking."

Alex grinned smugly. "Psyche."

"Bitch," she countered with a grin as everyone settled into position. The ball was in motion and Crystal smiled with glee as she circled behind Alex to take the pass and send it up to rebound from the backboard into the basket. Relaxed and comfortable with Laura's, and now her own, friends, Crystal took the friendly pats on the back as they waited for Wendy to retrieve the ball which had rolled beneath a nearby car. Some kind person thought to drag a cooler full of beer over and she gratefully took one being offered to her by Alex. The ball was found and the game resumed, the friendly rivalry rising as the lead continued to shift back and forth. By the time it ended with Alex's team just edging the win by three points, everyone was more than ready for the sizzling meat and cool drinks waiting for them near the grills.

Music was blaring from a boom box sitting on one of the makeshift picnic tables. There were six tables, all made by tossing a piece of plywood over two sawhorses while folding chairs mixed with white plastic lawn chairs to provide places for the women to sit. Crystal was pleased to see that Laura had already made up two plates and claimed the end of one of the tables. "Smells great," she said as she approached.

"I figured you'd be hungry after all that running around," Laura said, pulling out the adjoining chair. Crystal picked up a spare rib and bit into it, smearing sauce all over her mouth. "Kinda messy."

Laura laughed. "Hold still," she said, using a napkin to wipe the sauce off. "There, now you don't look like a little kid."

"Is that all you're going to have? Corn on the cob and some potato salad?"

"You know I don't eat red meat," the writer said, picking up the corn and frowning when several drops of butter dripped off to hit her pants. "The chicken is still cooking."

"I'll hop up and get it for you when it's ready," Crystal said, her mouth once again coated by the tangy sauce.

"I can get it."

"That's all right, I'll probably be ready for more by that time. Hey, how is that potato salad anyway?"

"Here, try it." Scooping some onto her fork, Laura held it out for her to taste. Crystal hesitated for only a second before opening her mouth.

"Oh look, now they're feeding each other," Alex, seated at the same table, teased. The other women within earshot laughed, causing Crystal to blush.

"You're just jealous," Laura said, sticking her fork into Crystal's macaroni salad and taking a bite for herself.

"Damn right," Alex replied, causing more laughter. Someone announced the chicken was ready and Crystal jumped up from her seat. "Give me your plate," she said. "How many pieces do you want?"

"One breast would be good," Laura said, holding out her plate. "Some more macaroni and potato salads if there's any left too please."

"Sure, no prob." Crystal disappeared over the grills and returned minutes later with Laura's plate as well as two beers. "Thought you might be thirsty," she said by explanation as she set everything down on the table.

"I never drink this much," Laura said, picking up the can of beer and taking a sip. "I've had three already."

"I've had a few more than that," Crystal admitted, taking a long pull on her drink before sending her fork into the macaroni salad on Laura's plate. "So what do we do once we're done eating? It's too light out still to start the bonfire."

"Probably another volleyball game."

"You up for that?"

Laura shook her head. "Probably not. Why, are you?"

"Not if you're not going to play," Crystal said, earning a snicker from Alex. Feeling the need to explain herself, she added "I'm not very good at it."

"I'll tell you what. If you really want to play, I'll do it too," Laura said, shooting a look at Alex before the cop had a chance to comment on their private conversation again.

As expected, once everyone was replete someone suggested volleyball. Crystal shook her head, citing wanting to let her stomach settle before playing again. Laura took their empty plates to the garbage while she finished her beer. Noticing several women slipping into one of the storage sheds, the blonde smiled and excused herself from the table to join them, knowing full well what they were up to.

When Crystal returned several minutes later, her eyes were definitely slitted. Laura took one look at her and shook her head. "Should have known you'd find the pot smokers," she said. "So are you completely stoned now?"

"No, just got a good buzz going," Crystal said. "Does it bother you?"

Laura hesitated before answering. "It bothers me when you use it to hide from reality but just to relax with some friends, no, that doesn't bother me." Despite everyone else being out of earshot, she lowered her voice before adding "I care about you, you know. I don't like seeing you hurt yourself." "I know," Crystal said, putting her hand on Laura's shoulder. "I don't like it when you kill yourself staying up all night writing just to meet that deadline either so we're even. Come on, you feel up to kicking some ass in volleyball now?"

"Are you sure you can play? I mean, being buzzed and all."

"Sure, maybe it'll make the ball seem to be moving slow enough so I can catch up with it," Crystal said, giving Laura's shoulder a quick squeeze before releasing it.

"We won't be playing much longer anyway," Laura said as they headed for the volleyball area. "The sun's going down. It won't be much longer before Carmen starts the bonfire."

Laura's prediction proved to be true as less than hour later the bonfire was started and everyone claimed their space around the fire. Crystal took a seat on one side of the writer while Jenny sat on the other side. Alex plopped down on the blonde's right, passing out beers from the cooler she had dragged over while others refilled their plastic cups from the keg on the porch.

"What's that, number five?" Crystal asked as Laura brought the plastic cup to her lips.

"I think so," the writer replied. "I don't think we're going anywhere tonight."

"Well you have the tent in the Jeep just in case," Crystal said. "Is it big enough for both of us?"

"It's a two man tent and the sleeping bag is double sized so there should be enough room," Laura said. "You're not one of those that tosses and turns all night, are you? Because if you are, you're sleeping on the grass instead."

"I'll be good, I promise," Crystal said, pulling her cigarettes out of her pocket and lighting one. "Besides, I'll probably be so toasted from the beer and pot that I'll just close my eyes and pass right out."

"Just make sure you wait until you help me get that tent up," Laura warned, her nose wrinkling as the wind blew the smoke at her. "Jenny can tell you from experience that tent is a bear to get set up."

"It'll be easier for you to put the back seat down and sleep in the Jeep," Jenny piped in, having heard her name mentioned. "It takes the better part of an hour to get that monster put together. I haven't had that much to drink if you want me give you two a ride," she offered. "In that death trap you drive?" Laura asked. "Not a chance. It's one thing to get bounced around all over the place sober but it's something else entirely to do it with a belly full of beer."

"That's true," Jenny said. "I certainly wouldn't want you to ruin the seats by throwing up or anything."

"It'd probably be an improvement, Doc," Crystal joked. "When are you going to break down and buy a decent car?"

"The day our dear Laura can walk past a mess without stopping to clean it up."

"I guess that means you'll have that Thing until it falls apart then."

"Hey," Laura said, doing her best to look wounded. "How did I get in the middle of this?"

"You're in the middle, that's why," Crystal said, nudging the writer with her elbow.

"So Laura," Alex said. "Tell us about the story you're working on. Is it another one with Bobbie the detective?"

Laura finished taking a sip of her beer before nodding. "Yes, it'll be the third in the Bobbie series."

"Are you going to finally let her have a girlfriend this time?"

"I think so. At least I have her having a strong attraction. Whether it turns into love or not I haven't decided yet."

"Oh you have to," Crystal piped in. "With lots of romance and passion."

"Yeah, especially the passion," Alex said. "I want at least three good sex scenes."

"Love scenes," Laura corrected. "And I haven't decided about that either. I'll see how it develops. I heard you were involved in that high speed chase last week."

"Oh yeah," the cop said. "It was the weirdest thing. I pulled the twit over for a broken taillight but when I ran the plate it came back to a different car. Turned out the guy worked for a chop shop and was in the middle of transporting the car there when I came up behind him." Alex carried the discussion for a while before the subject changed yet again and someone else picked up the conversational ball.

Crystal was not sure how it happened but at some point during the evening she had moved closer to Laura, their knees now touching. She debated about moving but decided against it, not wanting to draw attention to the contact. Instead she tried to concentrate on the discussion going on around them. Laura was talking to Jenny, allowing Crystal the opportunity to study her friend's features in the firelight. Orange light flickered over Laura's face, casting a warm soft glow on the writer's face. Crystal took a swallow of beer and looked around, noting that Carmen had apparently found herself a companion for the night if the way the two women were kissing was any indication. Crystal noted that Carmen's newest apparent conquest was Wendy, who at the moment was trying to see how far her tongue could get down the hostess' throat. Unable to take her eyes off the spectacle before her, Crystal watched the two women continue their intense kiss. How the hell are they breathing? Unbidden, an image of being kissed with all the passion and desire so evident only a few feet away came to her but what shocked Crystal more than anything else was the face of her imaginary partner.

As if sensing Crystal's thoughts, Laura turned and looked at her, giving the blonde a gentle smile. "Are you all right?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes," she said, certain all the heat suffusing her face was not coming from the bonfire. "I guess I just wandered off for a minute there." "Looks like Wendy's not sleeping in a tent tonight," Laura said, jerking her chin in the direction of the kissing women.

"If they make it inside," Crystal replied, reaching behind Alex for the cooler and acquiring another beer. "They certainly don't need the fire for heat."

"So I see," Laura said, resting her hand on Crystal's knee. "Does it bother you?" she asked in a low voice that would not carry to those around them.

Shaking her head, Crystal tried to put the image of being kissed passionately by the woman sitting next to her out of her mind. "No. I've seen your friends kissing before. They do it all the time at the ball field." Of course, I've never thought about being kissed by you before, she thought, giving Laura a quick glance before looking at the fire. It's got to be because I'm around them all the time. I just thought about being kissed by Laura because she's my friend and I'm closest to her, that's all. Yet even as she thought it, Crystal found herself looking at the hand resting so familiarly on her knee and fought the urge to cover it with her own to keep it there.

The volleyball area served as a makeshift campsite for the dozen or so women pitching tents for the night. Unfortunately it was far enough from the bonfire that seeing what they were doing was a problem and Crystal ended up having to hold a flashlight while Laura struggled with the domed tent. Others had the same problem so once Laura was done setting up the tent, Crystal used the flashlight to help others see in order to get their tents set up. In the end there were seven tents arranged in a haphazard circle. She helped Laura get the sleeping bag laid out on the floor of the tent before going into the house to use the facilities. It took longer than she had expected since apparently everyone else had the same idea. Of course the vast amount of beer consumed by the group was guaranteed to keep Carmen's bathroom busy for most of the night if the women sleeping in the tents did not decide to visit the bushes instead.

After taking off her sneakers, Crystal crawled into the tent. It was dark inside but Crystal was able to feel her way around, locating the zipper and opening the sleeping bag. She quickly removed her jeans, then reached under her shirt to unhook her bra, pulling it free and rolling it up with her pants to make a pillow. She debated about going topless but decided against it, not feeling the safety that she did at home not to mention she was sharing a sleeping bag with Laura. Rubbing her hands on her bare thighs, Crystal wondered if she should put her jeans back on but the sound of the tent flap being unzipped ended that idea. "Laura?"

"Yes. Which side are you on?"

"The right unless you want it."

"No, the left side is fine with me. It's probably better if you're on the side with the zipper anyway just in case you need to get up to go to the bathroom. You've had more to drink than I have."

"Yeah, I'm sure I'll have to get up at least once during the night." Crystal felt the sleeping bag being opened and goosebumps formed on her legs before Laura climbed in and the comforting warmth of the flannel lining covered her body again.

"Do you have enough room?" Laura asked.

Crystal, who was so close to thee.g.of the sleeping bag that she could feel the cool steel of the zipper, nodded before remembering that she could not be seen in the dark. "Yeah, you?"

"Plenty. You can move back if you want, there's room."

"I don't want to crowd you," Crystal said.

"You won't be and even if you did, it wouldn't be a problem." Laura gave a long yawn. "Come on, settle down so you're comfortable so we can both get some sleep."

Reluctantly Crystal moved away from the zipper, assuming a fetal position facing away from Laura but well aware of the heat of a body resting just inches from her own. It was an odd feeling, having not slept next to anyone since she was a child but at the same time she took a sense of comfort in having Laura next to her since there was no way to lock the entrance to the tent. Not that Crystal feared any of the women settling into their own tents but the ingrained fear was still there.

"Better?" Laura asked in a low voice.

"Yes. You sure I'm not crowding you?"

"Not at all. There's still some more room if you need it."

"No, I'm all set," Crystal said, adjusting her makeshift pillow. "Good night, Laura."

"Night hon," the writer replied, reaching out in the dark to gently squeeze Crystal's shoulder.

Their attempt at sleep would be interrupted minutes later when a clear, unmistakable moan cut through the air followed by giggles from the other tents. "Sounds like someone is having fun," Crystal said, smiling in the darkness.

"Mmm," the sleepy Laura replied. "I just hope they quiet down."

"Doesn't sound like it," Crystal said after louder moan cut through the night. "Who do you think it is?"

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention to whose tents were around us." This time the moaning woman gave a mix between a gasp and a cry and another, lower voice groaned. "Sounds like Alex."

"You think?" Crystal rolled over until she was facing Laura, then propped herself up on one elbow. She listened again. "Maybe. Sounds too deep to be her."

"Oh Alex, yesss,"

"Guess you're right," she said. "Who do you think she's with? I didn't see anyone hanging on her tonight."

"Probably Donna. I've heard she's rather vocal when it comes to that," Laura said.

"Hey Duncan," a voice from another tent yelled. "Keep it down. Some of us are trying to get some sleep."

"Yeah, I don't want to have to take matters into my own hands here," someone else yelled, causing more muffled giggles from some of the tents. "I thought you took matters into your own hands every night." This time they recognized Jenny's voice.

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Foster," the voice responded playfully.

"Is that an offer or an insult?"

"Whichever way you want to take it, Jen. My tent is big enough."

"We're never going to get any sleep," Laura complained.

"Well at least someone is having fun," Crystal said before rolling back over and settling down.

"I just wish they were quieter about it."

"Or pitched their tent further away."

"I think they could be on the other side of the house and we'd still hear them," Laura said before giving a long yawn. "I should have packed ear plugs."

"Well they have to settle down eventually, don't they?"

The writer chuckled. "Hon, you're talking about lesbians. They're like that commercial. They can keep going and going and going."

"Oh wonderful," Crystal said sarcastically, punching her makeshift pillow. "I suppose I should be grateful you don't have a girlfriend or I'd never get any sleep at home."

Laura laughed. "Actually I'm very quiet." She paused as another series of moans cut through the night. "Definitely Donna." Crystal shook her head and closed her eyes, trying hard not to think of the mental images the sounds were creating.

Crystal woke immediately at the touch. It took a few seconds in the pitch darkness to remember where she was and who was sleeping next to her or rather, who was sleeping against her, Laura's arm wrapped protectively around her belly. It was that touch which had woken her up. It was the middle of the night, the only sounds were snoring from the nearby tents and the occasional crackle of the dying bonfire. Realizing Laura was sound asleep, Crystal debated about removing the warm arm pressing against her, not wanting to wake her roommate. She laid there for several minutes, listening to the deep breathing next to her, close enough for her to feel the warm breath against the back of her neck. Just as she took comfort from the occasional hugs Laura gave her, Crystal found herself feeling that same comfort in the unconscious embrace. Relaxing into the gentle hold, she fell back to sleep.

Laura blinked and looked around, the morning sun lighting the interior of the yellow dome tent. To her surprise she found herself curled up around Crystal. I should have known better, she thought. I've always been a cuddler. But it felt too good for her to move right away. She inhaled the scent of Crystal's shampoo and had to resist the urge to nuzzle the soft blonde hair. Who am I kidding? Propping herself up to look upon the sleeping features, Laura privately admitted to herself that she had deliberately refrained from mentioning her habit of cuddling to Crystal for just this reason. It felt so good to hold the younger woman in her arms, to feel the soft warmth against her. Laura laid there for several minutes, just enjoying the feeling. When she heard the sound of others awakening in the nearby tents, she reluctantly moved over to her own side of the sleeping bag. As much as she took pleasure in the embrace, she knew better than to be in the same position when Crystal woke up. She'd probably think I was trying to take advantage of her. There was a soft scratching on the tent flap. "Laura, you awake?"

"Morning Jen," she said in a low voice. "Crystal's still asleep."

"Carmen has coffee made."

"All right, I'll be out in a minute." Now faced with the problem of trying to get out of the sleeping bag without waking Crystal, who was sleeping on the side with the zipper, Laura tried to slowly crawl out the top.

"Hmm?"

"Shh, it's just me," she said, moving the rest of the way out of the sleeping bag. "Go back to sleep, it's early."

"What time is it?" Crystal mumbled, rolling onto her back and rubbing her eyes.

"Probably around seven or so." She found her watch stuffed into her sneaker. "It's seven twenty. I'm going inside for some coffee. Do you want me to bring you a cup?"

"No, I'll get up. Besides, I have to use the bathroom." Crystal sat up herself, revealing to Laura something she had not known the night before as the tops of bare legs were revealed. It was only then that the writer noticed the pants being used as a pillow.

Oh thank God I didn't know that last night, Laura thought, noticing also the twin points pressing against Crystal's shirt. "I'll get out so you can get dressed," she said, crawling to the tent flap and pulling the zipper up.

"I'll be there in a minute," she heard as she stepped out onto the dew covered grass and blinked against the bright morning sun. "Okay." Laura pulled her sneakers on and headed for the house.

Carmen, Wendy, Jenny and several others were in the kitchen when Laura arrived. "Good morning," she said, taking two empty mugs from the dish strainer and walking over to the coffee pot. She just finished making the cups up when Crystal walked in, her hair mussed from sleep. "Oh thanks," Crystal said as she handed her the mug.

"I thought maybe we could stop for breakfast on the way home," she said, leaning against the counter and ignoring the box of donuts sitting there. "There's a nice clean diner just a few minutes from here."

"Sounds good," the blonde said, setting her coffee down and making a beeline for the bathroom as Alex exited it.

"There's donuts right there," Jenny said.

"I'm not in the mood for something sweet," she said. "Besides,e.g.benedict sounds really good right now."

"What's this?" Carmen said. "You're taking off this early? I thought everyone would stay for a while longer."

"I have things to do today," Laura said apologetically, fully aware it was a bold faced lie. Other than writing, there was nothing else that had to be done today. "Besides, Crystal's never had breakfast at Ruby's. I'm sure she'll enjoy it."

"Oh yes, just you and her tucked away in the a booth, eh?" Alex teased.

"Behave," Laura warned. "Besides, we deserve a good breakfast after being kept up half the night thanks to you and Donna."

"Hey, it's not my fault you didn't get any last night," the cop said with a smug grin as she refilled her mug and exchanged a knowing smile with Donna. "So how's the book coming along?"

"The end is in sight but it's just getting the last fifty pages written," Laura said. "You know how hard it is for me to wrap things up." "Yeah, that's why your books are all three hundred pages or better," Carmen said. "Oh but those love scenes are enough to make me sit on a block ofi.e.You will have at least one in there, won't you?"

"Don't I always?" Laura replied, bringing the mug to her lips and tasting the strong brew. "It's just a matter of getting the main characters together." She noticed Crystal coming out of the bathroom and privately wondered why life was not as easy as a fictional story. Why she found herself falling for what she could not have but unable to walk away or stopping her heart from becoming more attached to the beautiful young woman who shared her home. "I have to get the tent broken down. I'll be back in a few minutes." Setting her mug on the counter, Laura brushed past Jenny and stepped out into the morning air.

She was neatly folding the nylon tent when Crystal approached. "You want some help?"

"No," she said. "I'm almost done."

Crystal knelt down and put her hand on the storage bag, forestalling Laura's attempt to put the tent away. "Hey." The softly spoken word forced her to look up into concerned blue eyes. "You all right?"

Taking a deep breath, she nodded. "I'm fine. I guess I'm just tired or something."

"You sure? It seems like something's bothering you."

Laura dimly wondered when Crystal had become so good at reading her and hoped her face did not reveal her secret. "I'm fine, really. I'll tell you what, why don't you take the sleeping bag to the Jeep and I'll be there in a minute then we'll go get some breakfast."

"If you're not up to it, we can just go home and have something there," Crystal offered.

"No. I really think you'll enjoy Ruby's and we don't get out this way often." A thought occurred to her. "Unless you don't want to go."

"Oh, I want to go. If it's a place that serves real food and you like it, then I want to go. They do serve real food, don't they? Not those bean sprouts and grass that you like to pretend you're a rabbit with."

"Real food, I promise," she said with a smile. "I'm sure you can even get an extra side of grease if you need it."

"Funny. Come on, I'm starving and I've already said goodbye to everyone." Crystal took the tent from her and shoved it into the nylon bag, ruining all the folding Laura had just done. Suppressing the urge to pull it out and put it back correctly, she stood up and followed Crystal to the car, grateful to be leaving the eyes of her friends. Laura understood why her friends teased her so much about Crystal because if forced to admit it, their playful comments and jabs hit too close to home. How hard it had been last night to lie there and try to go to sleep with Crystal by her side, especially with the vocal sounds coming from Alex's tent. Laura was grateful it had only been an overnight and not a full weekend getaway. Two nights in a row would be a temptation she was not sure she could handle.

Crystal sighed and rolled onto her back, reaching out in the dark for the lamp. This is ridiculous. She had gone to bed two hours ago but sleep refused to come. Sitting up, she took the composition book and pen from the top of her night stand and began writing.

It's almost two and I can't sleep. Why? Why do I feel this? Is what I'm feeling real or just my imagination making more out of a friendship than there really is? She hugs me a lot but she's never come on to me or anything so why do I keep thinking like this? I've never kissed a woman but sometimes it's so hard when she's holding me close. I want to. Would she kiss me back? I doubt it. She'd probably just sit there and tell me in that tone of hers why she'd never be interested in trailer park trash like me. I'm just a friend, a roommate. She cares about me, I know that but could there ever be more? What if she decides she wants to live alone again? What if she finds herself another lover?

I'm cold. The furnace is on, I can hear it but what I want to keep me warm is across the hall. I want her to hold me like she did last night. I wonder if she even realizes that she did that. It felt so good to be in her arms, just like when I'm upset and she holds me. I wish I knew all the answers. I've never thought about being with a woman before and I don't think I could be unless it was Laura. I don't want just any woman, I want her. Why can't my life be like one of her books where the heroine gets her girl in the end and they ride off into the sunset?

Why can't I be the girl for her?

"I wasn't thinking you'd be reading that when I wrote it," Crystal said glumly, picking absently at a loose thread along the seam of the bean bag. "I believe that," Jenny said, closing the notebook and setting it down on the floor next to her. "We need to talk about this." "There's nothing to talk about," she shrugged. "She's not interested in me that way."

"That doesn't make your feelings any less real," Jenny said. "Have you ever been in love before?"

"With the people I used to hang out with, Doc?" Crystal shook her head. "I've gone to bed with a couple of guys here and there but I've never really dated much less had a romantic relationship."

"Have you considered the possibility that this is just a reaction to spending so much time with Laura? From what you've told me, you haven't allowed anyone to come close to you since your sister."

"So you think because Laura's my friend and a lesbian that I'm thinking I might be too?"

"You're the one that wrote that you weren't interested in any other women," the therapist said. "And what I think doesn't matter. How do you feel?" Crystal snorted. "You read that for yourself, Doc." She paused. "You think I'm confusing friendship with love?"

"I think that's a question you have to answer for yourself," Jenny said gently. "As far as any romantic relationship is concerned, I don't believe you're ready for that at this point. You're just starting to deal with your father's abuse. Adding a fledgling romance to that is a recipe for emotional disaster." "In other words I'm too fucked up to be anyone's girlfriend," she said in a self-deprecating tone.

"In other words you need to take time to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else, whoever that may be," Jenny corrected. "You still use alcohol and drugs to numb your feelings no matter how much progress you're making in here. And you have made progress," she reassured. "No matter how hard it may feel sometimes, know that you are getting better each time you face the pain and move past it." She looked at her watch. "Unfortunately we're out of time today."

"I'm not saying anything to Laura about this," Crystal warned. "I don't need to be looking for another place to live on top of everything else." "Do you really think if you told her how you felt that she would throw you out?" Jenny asked. "I don't."

"No, she probably would let me stay," she admitted. "But I wouldn't be able to." She gave the therapist a wry smile. "You know how good I am at running away."

"The only problem is you can't run away from yourself," Jenny said, rising to her feet. Crystal picked up her notebook and rose as well. "What am I going to do about her?"

"It's not Laura you need to worry about, Crystal. It's yourself. My suggestion is to keep writing about how you're feeling and above all, be honest with yourself." She held her arms out. "I'll see you next week."

"I'll be here," Crystal said as she accepted the obligatory hug. "And Doc?"

"Yes?"

"You've been absolutely no help with this, you know. I'm more confused about how I feel about her now than when I walked in here." Jenny smiled knowingly. "I know. That's my job."

Crystal stepped into the outer office, waiting for the secretary to finish with a phone call so she could schedule her next appointment. On the wall near the door was a rack full of pamphlets. Looking at them absently to pass the time, Crystal's eyes fell on a blue booklet with the words "Need Help?" written in bold black lettering on the front. Taking one from the rack, she opened it to find it was a schedule of AA meetings.

"Miss Sheridan? Next Tuesday at five thirty?"

"What? Oh yeah, that's fine," she said, shoving the booklet into her back pocket and taking the offered card from the middle aged woman. "See you next week."

Minutes later, sitting in her car waiting for it to warm up, Crystal found herself looking through the booklet. A meeting for women only was starting in an hour at the old church near the townhouse complex. Checking the legend, she found that it was an open meeting, meaning anyone was welcome whether they considered themselves an alcoholic or not. I could go just to see what it's like, she thought to herself. It's not like I have to stop drinking or admit I'm an alky or anything.

The parking lot was filling with cars, some old rust buckets like hers, some looking as if they just left the showroom floor. Sitting in her car, Crystal watched as the women smiled and chatted with each other before heading inside. What the hell am I doing here? Certain she was making a mistake, Crystal stepped out of her car and went inside.

"There you are," Laura said when Crystal returned home later. "I was beginning to get worried." Wiping her hands on the dish towel, the writer walked over to her. "Everything go okay with your session with Jenny?"

"Yeah," she said, not wanting to go into detail. "I just had to stop and do something on the way home. What's for dinner?" "I thought a chicken stir-fry would be nice. The playoffs are tonight. Do you feel like watching the Mets clobber the Braves?" "Sounds good," she said. "I was just going to work a little on the GED stuff tonight anyway. I can study and watch the ball game at the same time."

"Oh!" Laura headed for the stairs. "I almost forgot. I made up a batch of flash cards to help you with those formulas you're having trouble with. I'll be right back. Stir the vegetables for me."

"I still don't understand why anyone needs to know geometry or algebra in the real world," Crystal said as she entered the kitchen. She poked at the food with the wooden spoon for a minute before opening the refrigerator and automatically reaching for a beer. The door open and the cool aluminum in her hand, she paused. One day at a time. They make it sound so easy. With a resigned sigh she set the beer back and took a diet soda instead.

Laura returned with a stack of cards cut from manila folders. "I put the object on one side and the formula on the other so you can study both," she said, setting the cards on the counter. "We can even do them between innings."

"Are we eating in here or out there tonight?" Crystal asked as she opened the cabinet and took down two plates.

"Whichever you prefer. The pre-game is starting in about five minutes."

"The living room is fine," she said, retrieving the utensils and napkins. "I feel like kicking my boots off and relaxing tonight anyway." "Long day?"

"Too long." Crystal smiled at the comforting squeeze on her shoulder. "Ah, you know how I am after a session with Jenny." "I knew something was bothering you," Laura said gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Crystal looked at the can sitting on the counter. "Not yet," she said softly. "Let me see how things go first."

The more Crystal tried not to think about drinking, the stronger the urge to have a drink. Her trips to the deck for a cigarette were more frequent and she silently cursed her timing in having run out of pot the day before. The Mets were losing, which only added to her aggravation. When the best hitter swung at a ball clearly outside the strike zone, striking out and ending a bases loaded rally, she had enough. "I'm going out for a smoke," she announced.

"You were just out there not fifteen minutes ago," Laura pointed out. "Why are you so wound up? They're only down by two. They can make that up."

"It's not that," Crystal said from the doorway between the living room and kitchen. "I just have a lot of stuff on my mind. I need some air." She opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside, angrily pulling the rumpled pack from her pocket and lighting a cigarette. This shouldn't be so damn hard. I can't be as hooked on booze as the old man was. I just can't. Looking out at the silhouette of the trees, she did not see Laura come up behind her, only the soft touch of gentle hands on her shoulders.

"Tell me what's wrong," the writer urged.

Crystal gripped the iron rail, crumpling her cigarette in the process. "I hate feeling this helpless."

"Helpless about what?"

"Things that shouldn't have control over me," she said cryptically, shaking her head. "I should be strong enough to beat this and I'm worried that I can't."

"Does this have anything to do with why you haven't had any beer tonight?" Laura asked.

"I didn't think you paid that close attention to what I did and didn't drink," Crystal countered, turning around to face her roommate.

"It's unusual for you not to have a beer with dinner. To go three hours without one when there's a full six pack in the refrigerator is almost unheard of." Laura gave her a smile and squeezed her arm. "Are you going to quit drinking?"

Crystal turned away again. "I don't know." Gentle arms wrapped around her middle, Laura's chin resting on her left shoulder. "You know what your problem is? You don't give yourself enough credit."

"Credit for what?" she asked. "For screwing my life up completely? Laura, I'm twenty five years old and I'm going to end up a drunk just like my folks." The gentle hoot of an owl cut through the night, causing Crystal to lose her thought.

"You're wrong," Laura said after a minute of silence.

"About?" she asked, not turning around.

"Ending up just like your folks." Laura released the gentle embrace, leaving her right hand to rest on the small of Crystal's back. "You won't." "And how do you know that?"

Laura leaned forward against the rail as well, their elbows brushing against each other. "Because you're willing to change. They weren't. You admitted you had a problem with what happened when you were a kid and you sought help for it. You realize you have a problem with alcohol and you're making an effort to change that as well."

Crystal snorted. "Don't go praising me or nothing. It's not like I've done anything amazing. I went to one meeting and tried not to drink for one evening. I can't believe how hard this is," she said quietly.

"You know why I'm most sure you're not going to end up like your parents?" Laura asked softly.

"Why?" Crystal found herself being pulled into a brief hug.

"Because you've got me and I'm not giving up on you," Laura said firmly. "Now are you going to torture your lungs some more or can we get back in there and see if the Mets can pull themselves out of the fire again?"

"Sorry I'm late," Crystal said as she flopped down on the bean bag, not at all pleased with the scrutiny Jenny was giving her. "What?" "No notebook this week?" the therapist asked, lowering herself to the opposite beanbag.

"I forgot it this morning. I've been running late all day." Crystal wiped her dirty hands on her equally dirty jeans. "It's been a hell of a week." "How so?"

"Tonight's the first night I haven't had to work until at least six and by the time I get home it's so late that Laura's already eaten not to mention this Saturday is the GED exam over at the high school. If I miss this one I have to wait two more months."

"Do you think you're ready for the test?" Jenny asked.

"With some parts, yeah." The blonde shrugged. "But the math is still driving me nuts. Laura's been helping me with the formulas but there's just so damn many that I can't keep them straight in my head. I just know I'm going to walk in there and forget everything."

"Try this. Treat this test as if it were just a practice test. It doesn't matter if you pass or fail. If you pass, great. If not, you can use it to study from and take it again in two months."

"Actually if you fail it you have to wait six months," Crystal said. "And I don't want to miss it this time. We've been working too hard." If Jenny noticed the use of 'we', she did not say anything. "I really want to be able to show Laura that certificate."

"You should be doing this for yourself, not for anyone else," the therapist said. "It's your GED."

"But I wouldn't even be trying to get it if it wasn't for all of Laura's help. She's the one that made it so I understood that damn algebra and there's no way I'd be able to diagram a sentence without her." Crystal shook her head. "I wouldn't have made it through this past week without her. No way."

"What was so difficult about this past week?" Jenny asked.

"I

I haven't had a drink in three days." Crystal's eyes fell to the carpet. "I went two days first but then

I dunno. It just got too hard."

"You mean you were dry for two days, then drank, and now you haven't had a drink in three days?" the other woman asked for clarification. "Yeah." She looked up at Jenny. "I can't remember the last time I went three days without a drink."

"What about the marijuana?"

"Don't tempt me," Crystal said dryly. "I'm still smoking cigarettes and don't you even think of trying to take those away from me." "There's no sense setting yourself up for failure by trying to reach your goals in one giant leap," Jenny said.

"I didn't say I was giving up the pot either, Doc," Crystal warned. "I've just been too busy to make a phone call, that's all. Besides, I haven't had any time to smoke since Laura and I are up half the night getting ready for the damn exam."

"Whatever it takes to get you through the day," the therapist said in all seriousness. "Have you been to any meetings?"

Crystal nodded. "There's a different women's meeting each night at six. I've been late 'cause of work but I've gotten there before half-time. There's one on Saturdays too but we were busy so I didn't go." Crossing her arms, she looked at Jenny defiantly. "I know they say you should go each day and there's some there that I think do nothing but go from meeting to meeting but if I'm doing something with Laura, I'm not going to drop everything just because there's a meeting going on." She frowned at the growing smirk on Jenny's face. "What?"

"I never said you had to go each day," the therapist answered. "I'm surprised you're going as often as you are. Pleased, but surprised. If you're comfortable skipping a day here and there because you're doing something healthy, then do it. Just don't let it become an excuse not to go at all or you'll find yourself staring at an empty bottle quicker than you can say relapse." Jenny pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "How are you feeling physically?"

"I dunno." Crystal's position mimicked the therapist. "My stomach is off once in a while and I'm sick of diet soda but other than that I'm okay, I guess."

"Are you eating regularly?"

"I live with Laura," Crystal said dryly. "She's up for breakfast, has a brown bag waiting for me to take and dinner's ready almost every night by the time I get home." Poking at her side, she frowned. "I'm about ten pounds heavier than when I was working at the Tom Cat. If she keeps this up I won't be able to fit through the door."

"I'm sure a good portion of that is muscle from your construction work," the therapist said as she got to her feet. She went to her desk and retrieved two videotapes from the bottom drawer. "Here. You can take these home with you to watch. One is about the effects of alcohol on the body and the other is for people beginning recovery and what obstacles they can expect and how to handle them. They're kinda old but if you can get past the eighties clothes you'll be fine."

"Gee thanks, Doc," Crystal said. Noticing the time, she stood as well and took the tapes from Jenny. "Just what I needed, more homework." "Well since you didn't bring your journal I had to come up with something, right?" the therapist joked.

"True," the blonde agreed. "I should look on the bright side. We could have spent the whole hour talking about how I feel for Laura." "You managed to bring her in enough," Jenny said. "I take it you didn't tell her about your feelings?"

"No," Crystal said. "I'm still not sure."

"Then I suggest you keep writing in your journal about your feelings until you are sure," Jenny said. "In the meantime, get to the AA meetings as often as you can and good luck on your GED test. I'm sure you'll pass with flying colors."

"I'm gonna fail," Crystal said miserably as she stared at the large stone building.

"You're not going to fail," Laura insisted, reaching out to gently rub her roommate's back. They were standing in the parking lot of the high school, other adults milling about smoking cigarettes and talking.

"Easy for you to say," the blond grumbled.

"It should be easy for you too," Laura said. "You aced both practice tests and you know your formulas inside and out. You can do this, Crystal. I know you can." She shoved the pencils into the younger woman's hand. "Come on, they're opening the doors."

Crystal took a deep breath and stared at the building, all her doubts and fears coming to the forefront. "Maybe I should wait and study more." "No. You've studied enough. You're just nervous."

Unable to stop herself, Crystal wrapped her arms around Laura and hugged her tightly. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck, hon," Laura whispered into her ear as she returned the embrace. "You'll do just fine and after this is over I'm treating you to the biggest bowl of popcorn you want and the matinee of your choice."

"I'd settle for microwave popcorn and a rental." Crystal reluctantly pulled back and double checked the points of her pencils. "You really think I can do this?"

"I don't think," Laura corrected. "I know. I've already picked out the spot on the wall where we're going to hang your diploma. Now get in there and knock them dead."

Crystal was too excited to appreciate the falling leaves as she raced up the walk. It was finally here, an envelope from the State Education Commission. When she had called home on her afternoon break and had been told by Laura that there was a large white envelope waiting for her, Crystal almost asked Michael if she could leave early. As it was she drove past the church where her nightly AA meetings were held and headed straight home. Now in a few seconds she would know if she passed the test she took nearly three weeks earlier.

Just as she reached for the handle, the door opened to reveal Laura standing there, envelope in hand. "Looking for this?" the writer said with a smile.

"I can't believe it," Crystal said excitedly, taking the envelope and stepping inside the townhouse. "It's gotta be my diploma. They wouldn't send a big envelope like this just to tell me I've failed, would they?"

"Open it and find out," Laura said.

Nervously, Crystal tore at the sealed flap and pulled the two pieces of paper out. One was a letter which she quickly ignored in favor of the official looking diploma with her name in bold print. "I did it," she whispered.

"Yes you did," the writer agreed.

Crystal continued to stare at the diploma. "I can't believe I did it." Comforting hands rested on her shoulders. "I passed. I got my GED. I don't have to admit I never finished high school anymore. I can say I have a GED. I did it."

"I knew you could," Laura said gently.

"I never would have been able to do it without you." Setting the paper down on the side table, Crystal turned to face Laura. All the weeks of studying, of struggling to remember names and dates, of trying more time just to make Laura happy when all she really wanted to do was throw it all in the garbage and give up, all that was over. Crisp white paper declared that the mistake Crystal made as a teenager no longer had to haunt her. Looking at Laura, Crystal knew where the strength had come from to make what once was just a dream now a reality and not all of it was inside. "Thank you," she whispered softly, blinking at the stinging feeling in her eyes.

"I only helped you study. You're the one"

Crystal cut off her roommate's protest by pulling the older woman into a fierce hug. "No. I never would have even tried if it wasn't for you, Laura." Her voice sounded muffled against the writer's neck. "You're the one who kept encouraging me, who taught me the tricks to remember the order of how things happened and those damn flash cards." She smiled and held Laura tighter. "Thank you," she whispered again.

"You're welcome." They stayed like that for a moment longer before Laura finally disengaged from the embrace. "Now I think this calls for a celebration."

"Like what?" Crystal asked as she turned away to wipe her eyes, though she knew Laura had seen the tears.

"Dinner and a movie?" Laura offered. "Anything you want, my treat."

"Everyone's playing those psycho killers chopping up teenagers movies," Crystal said.

"It's the season," the writer said. "After all, Halloween is just around the corner. We could always swing by the rental place and pick out a comedy if you want."

"Naw, I'm not in the mood for a movie."

"We could call Jenny and the boys and see if they want to have dinner with us at the Chinese place," Laura said.

"You feel like pizza?" the blonde countered. "That marathon is on tonight."

"It's fine with me," Laura said. "But are you sure you want to stay in tonight?"

"Absolutely," Crystal said. "I don't feel like celebrating with everyone. Lemme change out of these clothes and call Jenny to tell her the good news, then we'll decide where to get the pizza and relax at home tonight."