Every Boy's Got One

e-mails

To: Listserv

Fr: Peter Schumacher

Re: JANE HARRIS

Halloooo! I am writing to you having come home from the party for the marriage of the friends of JANE HARRIS! This was a very good party. If you were not there, I feel sorry for you! There was much feasting and champagne. Some people were getting very drunken. This was very comical!!!

Everyone has very good time when the car from the hotel come to take away the happy couple for their honeymoon. Then we decide to follow the car on our motorinos, because this is very fun. We stand beneath the terrazza of the happy couple at the hotel, and shout many comical things. Then the bride, she comes out and throws her bouquet to us! The bouquet was catched by Annika! Annika will now be the next bride in Castelfidardo (in American tradition)!

But this is not the most comical thing that happened at the party of the marriage of the friends of JANE HARRIS. The most comical thing was when JANE HARRIS was dancing with the very nice Cal Longdon (who gives me 20 euros to spend on MORE WUNDERCAT COMIX) and a very beautiful Italian lady arrive at the villa. She is called Graziella, and she come to see Cal Longdon.

Cal Longdon looked very, very surprised to see this woman. JANE HARRIS looked very surprised to see this woman, also.

Then JANE HARRIS pushed Cal Longdon into the pool.

This was most comical of all! JANE HARRIS is very hilarious—just like Wundercat!

This is Peter, #1 Fan of Wundercat, saying GOOD NIGHT!

Wundercat Lives—4eva!

Peter

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Sal Caputo

Re: Hello, this is your father speaking

Hello! You didn’t know your father had email, did you? Well, I’ll admit we don’t have much use for it down at the shop, but I do like to have one for bidding on antique Electroluxes on eBay. You never know when you might find one that just needs a little tweaking to get it running again.

Anyway, what is this I hear that you and Mark got married today at Zio Matteo’s place in Marche? Is this true?

Well, if it is true, you have made your mother very sad. She is at church right now, making a novena for you. At Mass this evening she plans to petition for a prayer of the faithful to be said for your immortal soul.

I, however, want to be the first to say congratulazioni. Or should I say mazel tov? I know in the past your mother and I have expressed our concern about Mark not sharing our beliefs. But you are a big girl now, and you need to make your own decisions. I have always liked Mark. At least he understands how a motor works, unlike some of your brothers.

And, as I said to your mother, it will be a good thing to have a doctor in the family. Especially since I have a mole I would like for him to look at when the two of you come to visit.

Don’t worry about your mother. I will ask Father Bob to have a word with her.

And, of course, now she’ll be able to concentrate on making Mark convert. You know how she loves a project.

Much love,

Dad

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To: Mark Levine

Fr: Ruth Levine

Re: Hello!

Mark. Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me that Marie Caputo, from whom I just received a nearly hysterical phone call, claiming one of her sons told her that you and her daughter have eloped, is suffering from a psychotic delusion.

Mark—what were you thinking? Do you know what you’ve done? What am I going to tell Gloria Schramm? I promised you’d call Susie just as soon as you got back to New York. Now you’re going to call her, not to ask her to meet you at the Cub Room for after-work drinks, but to tell her you’re married? The poor girl will have another one of her episodes. Last time they found her wandering around Fifth Avenue in nothing but Uggs and a pair of Spanx.

Tell me it isn’t true. Do you know how far in advance you have to reserve the reception room at the country club? A year! If you had just let me know you were planning something like this, I could have put my name on the list months ago, and we might have been able to have a nice party when you two get back. Now what am I supposed to do? Have people over to the house? You know we haven’t had the dining room wall replastered yet from when those stupid kitchen people accidentally drilled straight through while they were installing the new cabinets.

We might be able to get a room at the Marriott if they’ve had a cancellation. I’ll have to check.

And your father says now you’ll be paying taxes this year as if you were a married man for the entire twelve months, when you were only married for three of them. He says you should have waited until January.

What size coat does Holly wear? I’m going to look into having your uncle Isaac make her up a mink. And don’t go telling me she’s opposed to wearing fur, it gets very cold in New York, and if she’s going to be having my grandchildren, I want to make sure she doesn’t walk around with a head cold half the year. You could have told us, you know, Mark. Your father and I would have loved a trip to Italy. You know the last place he took me was the Bahamas and it rained the whole time.

Love to you both,

Mom

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Claire Harris

Re: Holly and Mark

Honey! I’m so excited for them! I just ran into Marie at the Kroger Sav-On. She was carrying on about how God never gives you more than you can handle and that this just means more time in purgatory for Holly, you know, but I could tell she was over the moon. She was positively glowing.

Although that might have been because it’s unseasonably hot here for September.

Still, she was buying Lender’s bagels. Bagels! I asked her about them, and she very nearly blushed as she replied, “They’re for freezing. For when Mark and Holly come to visit, Then I’ll defrost them. He likes to have them for breakfast, you know.”

I think that’s a good sign, don’t you?

Anyway, I hope you’re still having a nice time. Daddy and I are fine. He did get a few acid burns while changing the battery in the Volvo, but Neosporin seems to be working just fine on them.

And just in case you got any ideas from Holly and Mark’s wedding, I hope you know your father and I don’t care WHO you marry, as long as you invite us.

Although I do think that Cal Langdon would probably look very nice in a tuxedo.

Love,

Mom

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Malcolm Weatherly

Re: Ciao!

Hey, babe. Haven’t heard from you in days. Hope things are okay.

Listen, I was just wondering—we’re not exclusive or anything anymore, are we? I mean, it’s okay to hook up with other people, right? Since I moved out? Because I sort of met someone. Just drop me a line and let me know, will ya? I don’t want to do anything to piss you off. But a guy’s got needs, you know?

Peace out,

Malcolm

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Julio Chasez

Re: The Dude

Hi, Ms. Harris. Listen, I was wondering—when are you getting back, exactly? Because The Dude, he’s— well, he seems like he misses you, or something. I mean, this morning when I went in to feed him, I caught him gnawing on the screen over the window, trying to get out onto the fire escape, on account of there being a pigeon there. He made a pretty big hole in it, actually. The screen I mean. My dad replaced it, though, don’t worry, and I shut the window all the way so he can’t do it again.

And just now he kind of bit me again when all I was trying to do was pet him.

So I was just wondering… when are you coming home, again?

I hope it’s soon.

Julio