Gabriel's Redemption

Chapter Thirty-three

Julia was not a psychologist. She’d spent time in therapy and was familiar with twelve-step programs and recovery. But she tried very hard not to diagnose others. In the case of her husband, she couldn’t help herself. Something was troubling him. Something disturbing enough to cause him to return to his old coping mechanisms.

She suspected that whatever was upsetting him was related to the news they’d received from Tom and Diane, but she wasn’t certain. Correlation is not causality, and so it was possible that the two events were merely coincidental.

Without knowing what was wrong, she didn’t know how to help him. Or how to comfort him. She felt as if a dark cloud hung over them, despite Gabriel’s concerted attempts to behave as if nothing were wrong.

She knew better. And his unwillingness to share his burden wounded her.

As their time in Umbria drew to a close and they prepared to travel to Florence, she resolved to do her best to be supportive and loving. But she was determined that if he hadn’t confided in her by the time they returned to Cambridge, she would take matters into her own hands.

During the previous summer, Gabriel had volunteered at the Franciscan orphanage in Florence during his separation from Julia. But as the staff quickly discerned, he was not the ideal volunteer. He didn’t take direction, he gave it. He didn’t hesitate to make changes to the workings of the orphanage, or to make demands about the facilities and food. And when the staff protested that they didn’t have the money to implement his changes, he simply paid for them himself.

In sum, the director of the orphanage, Fra Silvestro, welcomed his donations but was relieved when the Franciscans over at Santa Croce persuaded Gabriel that his skills would be better utilized in leading tours and giving lectures on the life of Dante.

So it was with delight that Fra Silvestro welcomed Julia to the orphanage in August, hoping that she would moderate her husband’s more aggressive charity.

When the Emersons arrived, they were met by the director; his assistant, Elena; and an assembly of children. The children, who ranged in age from four to eight, addressed Julia as Zia Julia and presented her with a bouquet and a series of drawings they’d made. The illustrations were done in bright colors and featured smiling children and a woman with long, dark hair standing in the center.

For a moment, Gabriel was overwhelmed. In the eyes of the children, especially the older ones, he saw a glimpse of himself as a child. He remembered standing in the waiting room of the hospital in Sunbury after his mother died, trying to get something to eat from the vending machine. He didn’t have any money and so he crawled on the ground to check under the machine for lost coins.

Gabriel tamped down the memory. If Grace hadn’t come upon him that day, his life would have turned out very, very differently.

Julia greeted all the children, crouching down to their level. She seemed perfectly at ease, chattering and laughing with them in Italian.

After the introductions were made, the Emersons were led to a side yard where the rest of the orphanage’s children, ages one to twelve, had gathered. The staff brought out the infants, so that they too could join the party.

Gabriel had been unable to rent a petting zoo but had secured the services of four ponies and their handlers. The ponies were tethered at the far end of the yard, surrounded by a crowd of excited children.

There were balloons and games, and a large, inflated bouncing castle. There were tables of food and desserts, and a large pyramid of wrapped gifts.

“How will they know which gift is for which child?” Gabriel pondered aloud.

Julia glanced at the pyramid. “I’m sure each gift is labeled.”

“What if they don’t like the present they receive?”

“Elena asked the children what they wanted and we bought it.” Julia squeezed his hand. “Stop fussing. The children will see you frowning and you’ll scare them.”

Gabriel sniffed at being so maligned but cautiously adjusted his expression.

He watched as she played games with the children, blowing bubbles and batting around balloons. A dark-haired, dark-eyed toddler took a shine to her, and soon Julia was carrying the boy on her hip and wresting her hair from his chubby fists, while avoiding a slight trickle of drool.

Gabriel was seized with a realization so strong it hurt.

Julianne was born to be a mother. She’s loving and giving and patient. She has what my biological mother lacked, and what Grace had in abundance.

Maybe she even has enough to compensate for my own shortcomings.

To keep his melancholy at bay, Gabriel helped with the ponies, lifting children on and off their saddles. Julia had been correct. The ponies were the highlight of the event. Children lined up to pet and feed them in between rides.

When it was time to hand out presents, Gabriel stood behind the gift table with Julia.

Brother Silvestro made an announcement to the children, thanking Zio and Zia Emerson for their generosity. Gabriel and Julia nodded to polite applause. Then Julia began handing out the presents, still holding on to the toddler.

Gabriel would have joined her, but a little boy pulled at his trousers in an effort to secure his attention.

“Hello,” said Gabriel, in Italian. “How are you?”

“Are you him?” the boy asked.

“Am I whom?”

“Superman.”

Gabriel gave the child a puzzled smile. “Why do you think I’m Superman?’

“You look like him. Can I see under your shirt?” The boy pointed to Gabriel’s white oxford button-down.

He smiled wryly. “I don’t have my suit on today.”

“You’re wearing Clark Kent’s glasses.”

Gabriel removed his glasses and frowned at them. He thought his Prada frames were a good deal smarter than the horrific pair that Clark Kent wore.

(Perhaps he’d been mistaken.)

Gabriel didn’t have time to be offended, however, because as soon as he took off the glasses, the boy gasped. A small crowd of other children soon gathered around.

“It’s Superman,” the first boy whispered, triumphantly.

Gabriel replaced his glasses, then reached out to ruffle the boy’s hair.

“I’m afraid I’m not Superman. I’m Zio Gabriel from America. Zia Julia is my wife.”

The children looked over at Julia, who was continuing to call out names and dispense brightly colored presents. She caught their eyes and smiled prettily.

“That’s Lois Lane.” A little voice piped up.

“Yes,” said the first boy. “We recognize her. That’s Lois Lane.”

Gabriel examined Julia with new eyes.

“I thought Lois was taller,” he mused, half to himself.

“I have a picture. See?” A boy held up a comic book and pointed to the drawing of Lois Lane on the cover. “It’s her.”

“She cut her hair,” said another boy, eyeing Julia with disappointment. “I liked it longer.”

“Tell me about it,” Gabriel muttered.

“Can you do any tricks?” a girl interjected.

“What kind of tricks?” The Professor fought to hide his amusement.

“Lift something heavy, see through walls, fly.”

“Oh, yes, fly!” The children began to jump up and down.

The Professor looked at the ever-increasing crowd of youngsters moving around him and sighed. He held his hands out to quiet them.

Then he leaned forward, dropping his voice.

“No one knows Clark Kent is Superman.”

“I know,” said one of the boys, lifting his hand high in the air.

Gabriel grinned. “Yes, you know. But none of the adults know. Lois and I are here for the party. So I need you all to help us keep this a secret. Understand?”

Some of the children gazed at him skeptically, but many of them nodded.

“Now Lois has a present for all of you. Why don’t you go over and say hello and pick up your gift?”

With a somewhat mixed reaction, the children began to disperse, soon distracted by other pursuits.

Julia, who had been half-listening to the exchange nearby, caught his eye and winked.

Superman? she mouthed.

He shook his head. He’d been called a lot of things in his thirty-five years, but no one had ever accused him of being Superman. Although he had to admit, Julia would make a damn fine Lois Lane.

He wondered if there was a costume shop in Florence that he could visit.

He was contemplating that (and other naughty things) when he felt someone’s eyes on him. He looked down and saw a small blond girl. She had her fingers in her mouth and was staring up at him.

He smiled. “Ciao, tesoro.”

She took her fingers out of her mouth and extended her arms.

At first, he didn’t understand what she wanted. She lifted her arms higher and waved them slightly.

“She’s asking you to pick her up, Man of Steel.” Julia was suddenly beside him.

Gabriel lifted the girl into his arms and she smiled briefly before placing her fingers back in her mouth.

It was at this moment that Julia’s eyes met his and a long look passed between them. She greeted the child and patted her on the back. Then she returned to the gift table.

“Maria doesn’t speak.”

Gabriel turned to face Elena, Brother Silvestro’s most capable assistant.

Elena reached out to tuck a blond curl behind the child’s ear. “I’m surprised she went to you. She usually avoids strangers.”

“How old is she?” Gabriel asked.

“Three.” Elena switched to English. “But she hasn’t spoken since she arrived almost a year ago.”

“Why not?”

“Too much trauma.”

Gabriel looked at the cherubic face of the child and suppressed a series of curses.

“Will she ever speak?”

“We hope so. She needs a family, certainly.”

Unconsciously, Gabriel held the child more closely.

“Is it difficult to find families?”

“Sometimes.” Elena smiled at Maria and spoke Italian, asking if she was enjoying the party.

Maria nodded and pointed in the direction of the ponies.

“Ah. I think you would like a pony ride. Shall I?” Elena gestured as if to take the girl, but Gabriel shook his head.

“I’ll take her.”

He walked over to the ponies and asked her in Italian which one was her favorite. She pointed to the smallest one, a black pony with white patches on his coat. He had a braided tail with a red ribbon tied to the end of it. He was called Cioccolato.

Carefully, Gabriel placed Maria on the saddle and rested his hand on her back while the pony’s owner began to lead them in a circle.

Maria smiled and clutched the pony’s mane between her tiny fingers.

As Gabriel walked the circuit with the child and the pony, he mused on the fact that his life could have turned out very differently. He was not an orphan, but a man with a family. And he had a family because Grace and Richard had opened their home and their hearts to him.

Although the darkness that was currently eating away at him had not abated, he found himself grateful for the hope that had shone in his life. And he vowed to share that hope with others. Somehow.

Julia watched her husband with the crowd of children and later, with the little girl, and found herself transfixed. Something about the sight of a tall, handsome man explaining why he wasn’t Superman warmed her.

She hadn’t had many opportunities to watch Gabriel interact with children. She never accompanied him on his volunteer work at the Italian Home for Children. She’d seen him interact with Quinn, of course, but only on a few occasions.

Seeing how Gabriel was protective and sweet with Maria tugged at her heart.

The Professor was intimidating. He had his moments when he could be cold and prim. Certainly, there were times such as when she’d found him smoking on the balcony in Umbria when she worried about him. But the surprising gentleness with which he treated children made her wonder what he would be like with their child. He’d ruffle their son’s hair and talk about Superman. He’d carry their daughter in his arms and treat her like a princess.

As she saw Gabriel smiling and chattering to the silent child, Julia realized that what Tammy had told her was true—children bring out a special side of a good man.

And Julia desperately wanted to give Gabriel that opportunity.

Someday.

At the end of what had been a fulfilling but long day, Julia sat with Gabriel on the terrace of their favorite room at the Gallery Hotel Art. The terrace and the room itself held so many memories for them. It was the place Julia had given him her virginity, and the place he returned to when he felt himself in danger of succumbing to his addictions after their separation.

He was lying on the banquette, hands behind his head, looking up at the star-studded sky. She was next to him, sipping a glass of San Pellegrino.

“You could have wine,” he said, pointing to her glass.

“I’m fine with water, Superman.”

His mouth twitched. “That was an interesting conversation. I’ve been called a lot of things in my life. But no one has ever called me Superman.”

She ran her fingers up and down his arm.

“Only because they haven’t got the nerve. I rather like the idea of you being the handsome but slightly nerdy professor by day, and the sexy Man of Steel by night.”

“What did I say about calling me a nerd?” Gabriel caught her wrist, pulling her so she was lying half on him.

The water sloshed in her glass, so he took it from her, setting it aside.

He brought their noses together.

“I can show you some steel tonight.”

“I’m counting on it,” she whispered.

“I never thought of you as Lois Lane before. But there’s a remarkable likeness.”

Julia rolled her eyes heavenward. “All this time, I thought you were in love with Beatrice, when really, it was Lois Lane. I need to switch literary genres.”

“Hardly. But a little role-playing might be interesting, Miss Lane.”

“We’ll have to have a Halloween party so we can dress up.”

Gabriel traced the line of her jaw with his finger.

“We don’t have to wait until Halloween.”

A thrill coursed up her spine at his tone.

“I look forward to that. Did you have a good time at the party?”

“Of course.” He released her, his gaze returning to the stars.

She sighed, picking up her glass again. She sipped the water as she contemplated how to broach the subject.

“Something happened today, didn’t it?”

“Yes.”

She waited for him to comment further, but he didn’t.

She put her drink on the table and went to him, placing her arm atop his abdomen.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head.

Her heart sank. “The list of things you won’t share with me is becoming longer.”

“My silence isn’t meant to hurt you.”

“It does.” She huffed in frustration. “How can I be your partner when you won’t talk to me?”

“Julianne, I’m going to talk to you. I promise I won’t do anything without discussing it with you. I just need to—figure out a few things first.”

“Can’t you figure them out with me? I’m a good listener. I can help.”

“You are a good listener. The best. But sometimes a man needs to do things alone.”

“Is that man-speak for ‘Don’t worry your pretty little head, darlin’?”

“Man-speak?” He chuckled, pressing his lips to her palm. “You’re adorable.”

She pulled away, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Now is not a good time to be patronizing, Gabriel.”

He rolled to his side and kissed the wrinkle between her eyebrows. “I’m not patronizing you. You are adorable.” He paused, his eyes focused and intense. “You need to be a mother. Seeing you with the children—how loving and at ease you are. You’re a natural.”

“Today was a special day. Your ponies were a hit.”

“You were right, as usual.”

“Then why are you so sad?”

“I can’t stand to leave them there.” Gabriel’s eyes and tone evidenced his distress.

Julia observed him, realizing that whatever distress he felt at the orphanage had been very well hidden.

“The children are treated nicely. The staff love them. They’re safe.”

“It’s still an orphanage.”

“Yes.” Julia pushed a curl back from his forehead. She ran her fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him.

“I know what it’s like,” he said quietly. “When my mother died, there were several months when I didn’t know where I’d end up. It could have been an orphanage or foster care. I could have been shipped back to New York to live with my mother’s family. I was in limbo, never knowing if someone was going to show up to take me away or if Grace and Richard were going to tire of me and pack my bags.”

“They would never have done that.”

“I didn’t know. They were strangers to me. I wasn’t especially adoptable. My father disowned me, and my mother’s family didn’t want me. They would have left me to an orphanage—my own flesh and blood. Now do you understand why I don’t want anything to do with them?”

Julia placed her hand against his face. “Yes. But you were very adoptable. Grace and Richard were attached to you from the beginning.”

“If they hadn’t taken me, what would have happened?”

“There’s no point in going down that road. You have a family that loves you and you have me.”

“You’re everything, Julianne.”

The beauty of his words pierced her heart. She leaned forward to kiss him, trying to show how much his words meant to her.

When she pulled away, he grasped her hand at the wrist. “We could adopt.”

“I thought you wanted to try to have a child first.”

He looked away.

“Has something changed?” she pressed, noting his body language.

“Children like Maria deserve a home. She doesn’t even speak!” Gabriel became visibly agitated.

“Maybe we should try to help Elena find a family for her. You know lots of people.”

“What about us?”

“Us?”

“Why don’t we take her?”

Julia searched his eyes, surprised to discover that he was serious.

“Sweetheart, we aren’t in the best position to take home a toddler.”

“We love each other and we’d love her. We have a house and a yard. We speak Italian.”

“Maria is a toddler with special needs and we’re first-time parents. I’m already worried about making mistakes.”

Gabriel sat up. “How could you make a mistake? You are everything that is good and gentle. Children are drawn to you.”

“I’m not ready.”

“What if you had help? I’m owed a sabbatical. That was part of my agreement with BU when I left Toronto.”

Julia gave him an incredulous look. “You’d use your sabbatical to stay home with me and a baby?”

“Why not? Children aren’t awake all the time. We could take turns. You have to admit that having an extra pair of hands would make things easier.”

“Neither one of us knows very much about caring for a toddler.”

“We have Rebecca.”

Julia laughed. “Rebecca is wonderful, but she’s our housekeeper, not a nanny. Her kids are grown up. I don’t think she’d want to help us with a child.”

“I think you’d be surprised if you asked her. She’s already volunteered to help more when we have a baby.”

Julia pulled away from him. “You’ve spoken to her about this?”

He held his hands up. “No. But before we were married, she mentioned that she hoped she’d be with us for a long time, long enough to see us start a family.”

He frowned. “I’m not the enemy, Julianne. I’m not constantly looking for ways to sabotage your education. Or your life.”

She ducked her head. “I’m sorry. I feel as if the slightest disturbance will cause me to lose my focus and I’ll flunk.”

“I think that’s the most honest thing you’ve said about your program.”

She lifted her face, eyes narrowing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, darling, that you’re worried about failing. Even though so many people are eager to support and help you. Including me and Rebecca.”

She started to protest, but he interrupted.

“Anxiety over starting a family is legitimate. But I think you’d be anxious about your program anyway. That has more to do with how you see yourself than how you see the program.”

Julia’s eyes widened.

“I—that’s not true.”

“It is. I know, I felt the same way when I was at Harvard. I think anyone who has an accurate sense of self has the same concern.” He moved his hand to the back of her neck, urging her forward. “You can do it, Julianne. I believe in you.”

Tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she found herself in his arms, clutching him tightly.

He moved his mouth to her ear.

“I’d like to take Maria home with us. I’d like to take all the kids home with us. But this thing with Harvard is something you need to deal with on your own.”

“Is that why you won’t tell me what’s troubling you?”

Gabriel exhaled loudly.

“No. I’m still working things out in my mind.”

“Without me.”

“I’ll share it with you eventually. As I said in Umbria, I won’t do anything without discussing it with you first. I just need some time.”

She shook her head but elected not to argue with him.

“Will you continue your work with the Italian Home for Children?”

“Yes. They need me, of course, and I’ve promised the students that if they graduate high school with an excellent grade point average that I’ll send them to Italy.”

“You’re already changing the lives of children. You should be proud of yourself.”

He gave her a half-smile. “Are you sure you aren’t ready for adoption? We’d love her.”

His eyes were dark with emotion.

Julia thought back to what she’d seen that day—the way Gabriel was with Maria and the other children. At that moment, Julia truly wanted to give him what he was asking for. But she knew it was wrong.

“We would. But if we love her, we need to do what’s best for her. And that’s probably finding a local family. Not two American newlyweds who don’t know what they’re doing. You’d have to give up smoking.”

“That isn’t a problem.” He looked at her carefully. “You’re worried about the drugs, aren’t you?”

She squirmed and he frowned at her.

“You don’t seem to have a lot of confidence in me.”

“I have every confidence in you. But you have to remember that I watched my mother relapse more than once.”

He disentangled himself from her arms. “Well, I’m not going to relapse.”

“Good.”

“Maybe we should talk about your own relapses. Just last month you were struggling with something and you turned to Paul.”

Julia’s brown eyes flashed. “You don’t get to throw that back in my face. I apologized, remember?”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he said stiffly.

“Are we having an honest and open conversation? Or are you trying to manipulate me?”

Gabriel glared. “We’re having an honest and open conversation. I apologize for bringing up Paul.”

She sighed.

“I understand that it’s difficult to work with the children at the orphanage and to leave them there. I feel it too. But it isn’t in Maria’s best interest for us to take her now.”

“The orphanage is good, but it isn’t the same thing as having a family.”

“Which is exactly why we shouldn’t take her.”

Gabriel moved to his feet. “That is not the Julianne I know speaking.”

“Oh, yes it is.” She stood in front of him.

“The Julianne I know would give the clothes off her back to a homeless person.”

She took a step closer, her face flushed with anger.

“I would give the clothes off my back for Maria. But I want her to be with a family who are stable and experienced when it comes to children. She’s been traumatized. Taking her to a place where she doesn’t know the language, away from her city and her friends, would only upset her. We’d be hurting, not helping. And I won’t let you do that. And I don’t care if you think that I’m being a coldhearted bitch or whatever the hell you have running through your mind.”

She gave him a reproachful look before retreating to the bedroom.

“Fuck!” he shouted, picking up her glass of water and throwing it.

The glass shattered against the floor of the terrace.

From a distance, Gabriel heard the door to the bathroom slam shut.

He placed his hands on the balcony, leaning against the edge, and hung his head.