In Too Deep

Chapter 10

I stretch out in bed and try to shake the image of Taylor from my mind. She’s off limits, which makes keeping my thoughts clean right now even more difficult. I replay the way she drank from that flask. Determination burned in her eyes, as she licked the amber-colored liquor from her very kissable lips. That image is seared into my brain whether I like it or not.

But a girl like Taylor would never be happy with a once-and-done type of a guy. Which I remind myself doesn’t matter. I enjoy my lifestyle and I’m not looking to change that, no matter how bad I’d like her in my bed. I had it made – a different girl every weekend, more money than I knew what to do with and adrenaline pumping assignments. I wasn’t about to throw that away for a girl who would want commitment and romance. No thanks. That shit never works in the end anyways.

I’m not looking for a relationship, but figure there’s nothing wrong with a little flirting, especially when it seemed to have such a profound effect on her. Showing her the slightest attention left her flustered and pink-cheeked. And call me masochistic, but I liked provoking that response in her.

If I was smart, I’d ignore Taylor. Which shouldn’t be difficult, given there are several other girls I can and will entertain myself with. Then no one would get hurt, especially me. But somehow thoughts of her creep in before I can block them out.

I absently twirl the leather strings on my right wrist, which I caught myself doing whenever I felt anxious, which for some reason this girl makes me. She keeps me on edge.

I pick up my phone, scanning through my contacts, trying to put faces to the names of girls I’d bothered to enter. I scroll through and pick one at random, and wait while it rings.

“Hey. It’s Colt. Come over and keep me company?”

When I hang up the phone, a pang of regret claws inside me. I shake the feeling away. This is the only way, even if I am starting to have mixed feelings about it. I lay back against my pillow, knowing I have time to wait before she gets here. I close my eyes and try to relax. I hate how on edge I’ve been since Taylor arrived here. I haven’t felt this off in a long time. I run my hands over my face, remembering back to a time I don’t often think about.

My mom died my freshman year of high school.

That first year was hell. I returned to school two weeks after her funeral and I wasn’t prepared for the sad looks everyone gave me, and the fact that every teacher seemed willing to cut me endless breaks. I wanted to hide, to forget everything that had happened, but everywhere I looked, everywhere I went, there were constant reminders, both at home and at school.

I eventually got that chance to hide from all that sadness. At a party one weekend I met a pretty junior named Jess, but instead of pity over my situation, she took mercy on me and said she was going to help me to forget. The first time I came that night, I pretty much forgot my own damn name. I had been a shell, a walking broken shell my entire freshman year, and that night I found a way out. A way to forget about all the sadness and sorrow in my life, if only for an hour. Being with her that night was like a revelation. I’ll never forget it.

Of course at the time, I’d been stupid enough to think that our night together meant we were going to start dating. When she realized I was only a freshman, she’d laughed and patted my chest. She told me I was fun, but in no way dating material. That’d stung, but when I realized it was better that I didn’t get attached to anyone, I knew she’d actually done me a favor. She’d woken me from a long and tortuous depression and showed mI could actually be happy again. Well, if not truly happy, at least distracted from the aching sadness.

I spent every weekend after chasing after girls. It wasn’t hard. I’d grown to well over six feet by then and looked much older than fifteen. I never really examined my actions too closely. And now I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s just part of my survival instincts. Sex was the only closeness I got, and I couldn’t give that up. And I couldn’t risk love when it had the probability of ending so badly.