Pitifully Ugly

Chapter 2

The birth of Pitifully Ugly.

Perhaps it was unwise to build my online dating profile in the

Rainbow Room after consuming half a bottle of cabernet, but it

gave me the courage to hit the enter button.

Mid-thirties…well, maybe a little north of that, still single,

house broken but rabid. If you’re looking for something different,

then I’m your girl. Write me if you dare…

I chose a picture taken by my mother when I was six and had

cut my own hair. Mom had done her best to minimize the damage,

but no amount of doctoring could help the freckle-faced kid with

fire engine red hair. She’d taken what was left of my hair and put

it in two dog ears that stuck straight up on either side of my head.

My smile was huge, showing off the gap between my teeth.

My hair fortunately grew back out and turned a deep auburn

as I grew older. Braces had erased the Brycen gap in my front

teeth. The freckles that I detested had all but faded away, and

even still, I saw myself as the ragged imp in that picture. Pitifully

Ugly was the perfect user name.

After I’d sent my profile off to the local lesbian cyber

matchmaker, I went to bed. The chips would fall where they may,

but I seriously doubted that my cynical approach would yield

even one chip for me.

The next morning, I showered and took a good long look at

myself in the mirror. Things had to change. I needed to lose weight

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and do something about my hair. I made a promise to myself that

I’d make an appointment at one of the competing salons. I wanted

to keep my transformation private for as long as I could. I think

Kalen’s sister intuition must have kicked in because she called me

the minute after I’d made up my mind.

“Morning, baby sis, wanna meet me for lunch?” she chirped

as only a morning person could.

“I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.”

“Right,” she countered sarcastically. “But you will be hungry

again by noon.”

I looked out my window at the dreary day. “I have a ton of

work to do, and I don’t feel like going out today. Besides, I’m still

pissed at you.”

I could hear the barely restrained laughter in Kalen’s voice as

she replied, “Suit yourself, but you won’t see me for two weeks.

Remember? We leave for the Caribbean tomorrow.”

I’d forgotten that she and her husband, Todd, were taking a

cruise. I’d be responsible for taking care of the salons that we

owned together by myself. My mood soured even more.

“I know, you need time to get your nerve up for the next two

weeks.” She let me off the hook before I had to say more. “All the

managers are fully capable of handling things. You’ll just have

to check in every now and then and take care of any calamities

that may arise. When I get back, you can totally retreat back into

your cave.”

“Thank you. Give my love to Toad.”

“I will, and I’ll check in every now and then, I promise. Love

you.”“Love you too.”

I hated it when Kalen took trips. Of course, I missed her, but

I despised having to deal with the daily operations of the salons.

We had the perfect setup. Kalen hated my job, and I hated hers.

For breakfast, I had a banana and a piece of raisin toast, my

first step in losing my extra ten unwanted pounds. Afterward,

I fired up the treadmill and walked until I was afraid that I’d

pass out. That concluded my exercise for the day even if it only

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lasted ten minutes. And for two weeks, I would not be having a

noontime pig fest with my twig of a sister. It was the perfect time

to begin my new diet.

After a shower, I sat at my desk with the intent of tackling a

backlog of work, but I made the mistake of peeking at my Rainbow

Room messages. I had five. Two said they were “voluptuous”

women looking for a good time. I deleted those. The next two

kind of scared me. They admitted to being rabid, too. Number

five intrigued me.

I doubt that you’re ugly. I think your pic is real y kind of cute,

so I wonder why you didn’t post a current photo. As for being

rabid, I’d suggest a visit to the hospital…immediately. I’m new to

New Orleans, and I’d like to just chat with someone who has a

sense of humor, and you obviously do.

Newbie

My common sense told me that this could very well be a man

cruising a lesbian dating site, but I just didn’t get that vibe.

Dear Newbie,

Welcome to New Orleans. The rabies is under control. I’ve

even stopped foaming at the mouth. I may be inclined to show you

a current picture, but I think we need to chat a bit more. So where

are you from and how’d you end up here?

P.U.

Who knew that chatting would be so easy? Safe behind my

computer screen, I felt empowered. I realized that I didn’t have

to suffer the awkward silence or struggle to make conversation. I

was almost giddy. Why hadn’t I tried this before?

I decided to take a peek at Newbie’s profile. There was no

picture, but her page was somewhat informative.

Smoker: No.

Likes: Dogs, classical music, and rock and roll, depending on

mood.

Exercise: Hate it, but I enjoy tennis and long walks.

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Robin Alexander

Sports: Watching them yes, playing them no. Refer to answer

above for the exception.

Favorite food: Food.

What are you looking for in a partner: I have no idea.

Newbie had answered much the same way I would have if I’d

have bothered to fill out the questionnaire.

It was after two when I realized that I’d been working without

a break. I made myself a salad for lunch and took a good hard

look at the treadmill. That’s as far as it went. I wasn’t getting

on that death trap again until the next day, so I signed into the

Rainbow Room and found two new messages waiting.

Hey, Pitifully Ugly,

I’m ugly, too. Let’s hook up.

Sinful

Delete.

Hi, P.U.,

I’m originally from Atlanta, but I transferred here for work.

I’m glad to hear that the foaming issue has been resolved. I

understand about not wanting to share your picture with a total

stranger, so we’ll shelve that idea until we get to know each other

better.

Is this your first time on a matchmaking site? It is for me. I’ve

always been leery of these things, but since I don’t know anyone

here, I thought it might be a good place to make a friend or two.

Are you from New Orleans? What’s your favorite thing about

living here?

Newbie

It was like fishing. I’d cast my line, and someone was taking

a nibble. Now I just had to decide if I should reel her in…and then

what would I do with her?

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Pitifully Ugly

Hi, Newbie,

I’ve lived in N.O. all my life. My favorite thing about the city

is the food, which is not really a good thing because I’m on a diet.

And now, I’m thinking about food. There’s a great place near the

French Market cal ed Fiorel a’s. If you ever go there, I’d suggest

the fried chicken. You have to wait a while for it because they fry

it when you order. This bird doesn’t sit under a heat lamp all day.

Okay, I have to get off the topic of food.

Believe it or not, this is my first go-round on a social

networking site. Like you, I thought it would be a good place to

meet people. Some of the messages I’ve been getting are a little

creepy, so thank you for being so down to earth. Okay, your turn.

What places have you visited since moving here?

P.U.

There was no response from Newbie by five o’clock when I

knocked off for the day. Even still, I was happy that things seemed

to be going well. I didn’t have any preconceived notions that I’d

met the love of my life, but I had made a friend.

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Robin Alexander