Reciprocity

CHAPTER 24

Lila

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, at the dark circles that needed more makeup every day. Insomnia had taken control again, and sleep eluded me. I took comfort in my husband’s arms, but I couldn’t shut my brain off.

What were we going to do? Over a week had passed since we had the pregnancy mishap, and things were only getting worse.

Life was hard for everyone, but it was incredibly atrocious to others. Nathan and I qualified as others. I knew with every cell in my body he was my soul mate. I also knew that fate was a cruel mistress.

“Honeybear, you almost ready?” Nathan called from the bedroom.

“Almost.” I closed up the concealer and brushed on some powder.

My hand trembled, and I clenched it into a tight fist, trying to stop it. I had to keep calm, had to show calm, no matter how badly I was breaking on the inside. Nathan needed me to be strong, and I would be his pillar.

“Ready.” I smiled at him and held out my hand to take his.

I didn’t want to die.

I was happy for the first time in my life. Was it too much to ask to grow old with Nathan?

The tremors got worse with each passing day, and soon I wouldn’t be able to rein them in. He would see the fear I fought so hard to keep from him. The show left me more exhausted every day.

My eyes flitted over to the remnants of what was our home office as I walked toward the door. He destroyed it, obliterated it, telling me the end was near.

He pulled me close and kissed my forehead as we rode down to the ground floor. “I have to go to the Hamilton County courthouse today, so I won’t be able to go to lunch.” His voice was tight.

“Okay.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, soaking him in.

We headed out to the parking lot and got in the car. He eyed me and pursed his lips.

“What?”

“Can you order lunch in today?”

I wanted to object. I wanted to tell him everything was okay.

But I couldn’t.

“Sure. Caroline and I can take over your office.” I elbowed his arm and smiled.

Why couldn’t we be left alone? Ever since we’d met, wave after wave of hurdles crashed in front of us and we cleared them all, together. The one in front of us now loomed over, casting a shadow and making it almost impossible to attain freedom.

Eggshells. We were walking around avoiding everything in a strange dance, all out of fear. Part of me wanted them to kill us and get it over with, to end the anxiety that ruled our lives. The other part begged for another day, hour, minute—I never wanted to leave him.

Instead, I squashed both feelings and aimed for calm obliviousness. My act fooled him because he was so trapped in his own anxiety.

When we arrived at the office, I pasted on a smile and wrapped my arms around his arm. “What should we do this weekend?”

Rule one—keep smiling and upbeat. Rule two—always talk about the future, no matter how close.

He swallowed. “I was thinking we could go for a drive. Maybe get away.”

“That would be fun.” I smiled, trying not to let on I knew the double meaning in his words.

The kiss as we separated for our own offices held an edge as they all did of late—passion—like it would be the last.

“I’ll see you later, Honeybear. Love you.”

“Love you.” I gave him another soft kiss before he turned and headed down the hall.

When I sat at my desk, I leaned forward and covered my face, trying to gather myself. I pulled my phone out and opened up the email app—something I couldn’t do with Nathan around.

“Shit.” Another one popped up, sent at three that morning—surveillance shots with a time stamp. It was from the same address the other three had come from, each with a photo of Nathan and me coming and going. They’d been coming in for weeks. Marconi’s guys knew our schedule.

I marked it as unread and closed out of the app—I didn’t want Nathan to know I was reading his email. He kept me in the dark for my safety, but I wasn’t going to stay there. He was my husband, my life, and I wasn’t going to let them surprise me—surprise us.

“Morning!” Owen’s smile helped to calm me, his happiness infectious.

“Good morning.”

He set his bag down and took off his jacket—it was unseasonably cool.

“Brrr.” He shook off the cold. “It’s a hot coffee kind of morning. Want some?”

I smiled up at him. “That would be great. Thanks.”

“No problem, partner.”

The moment he was out the door, I picked up the burner phone Noah bought a month ago and dialed the number I’d called every day for the past few months—Noah’s own burner phone. I peered out the door, keeping a lookout for anyone coming.

“Hello?”

“How’s it looking?”

There was a pause, then a sigh on the other end—a very bad sign. Usually he had little to report, and it was mostly the changing of guard. A prickling sensation moved across my skin.

“Lila, it’s time to consider leaving.”

My heart stopped, my body going cold. “What’s happening?”

“I don’t know, but it’s not good.”

I swept a hand over my face, unable to keep the façade up, shaking like I was going to come undone.

“Did you get another gun yet?”

I nodded, not that he could see. “It’s in my purse.”

“Does he know?”

“No.” My voice broke.

“Are you going to tell him?”

Tears welled in my eyes. “Not right now.”

“You need to, because if you don’t, I will.” The low tone in his voice told me how serious he was.

Everything was spiraling out of control.

I popped another pill, hoping it would calm me before I broke out into a full-blown panic attack. My hand gripped the edge of the sink harder, trying to suppress everything.

Dr. Morgenson didn’t like the state either of us was in, or upping both our dosages so we could make it through the day. It was an unfortunate necessity. Even he knew therapy wasn’t going to help us, and the drugs would help get us through the days ahead…however many there were left.

The reflection in the mirror hardly resembled me. Maybe it was the florescent lighting of the office’s restroom, but the terror clawing at my insides looked like it found an outlet.

My eyes sealed tight as I fought to gain control. Deep, even breaths helped, but they still couldn’t stop the shaking. I let out a harsh breath and looked down at the sink, at the phone that sat there, and the message from Noah that stared back at me.

Vincent Marconi is on his way here.

I bent over further as a dry heave ripped its way through me.

What were we going to do?

The door swung open, startling me, and Caroline stepped in. She stopped as soon as she saw me, her eyes widening. Her course changed from the stall to me.

“What’s wrong?” She stopped in front of me, worry filling her face.

Tears filled my eyes, and I picked up the phone and handed it to her.

“Did you get a new phone?” She was confused as she searched for the button to light up the screen. Her eyes scanned it, and she gasped as it registered. “Lila?”

“It’s a burner phone.”

“Burner phone? What the hell? Are you a criminal now?”

I shook my head. “No. With them watching us, I was sure they were monitoring our phones as well. Noah picked this one up for me, and he’s the only one that has the number. He’s been keeping me up to date on the things Nate keeps from me.”

“Jesus Christ… I… Does this mean what I think it means?”

I nodded.

Her brow scrunched. “What do you mean by ‘keeps from you’?”

I shook my head and let out a strangled chuckle. “You know him. He wants to protect me, keep me calm, so he takes the burden on himself and doesn’t tell me everything.”

“And here you are hiding a phone from him. Double standard much?”

“Because I have to keep him calm.” My face scrunched up and my arms wrapped around my waist. “He’s so far gone. Worse than when we met.”

She sighed. “Because it’s happening again.”

I nodded. “He swings between destructive anger, depression, extreme anxiety, and hard passion in a span of five minutes.”

She pulled her arms up and matched my stance. “Fuck. I didn’t even notice he was that messed up.”

“He’s not as bad at the office and can hide it better here.”

“What are you going to do? If he’s coming, you’re running…right?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. Running isn’t going to help. They’ll find us.”

“Are you sure?”

“Where would we go?”

She threw her arms up in the air. “Anywhere! Just go. Leave.”

I sighed. My brain whirled around all the things we would need to do. What was worse was that I didn’t even believe myself when I thought it could be done.

The morning was shit, and the afternoon wasn’t looking any better, especially when Owen came back from the break room with empty cups. At least the meds I took were helping and the tightness in my chest had eased.

“Let’s go get some coffee,” Nathan called from the door, startling me.

Shit.

I forced a smile, hiding the festering news as I looked up from the file I’d been buried in, watching him as he strode in. “A break?” I turned in my chair to face him as he walked around my desk.

He nodded. “The coffee machine is broken, so I thought I could pull you away and take a break with my wife.”

I quirked a brow at him. “You of all people should know we don’t take breaks.”

“Yeah, but, as I said, there’s no coffee. How are you going to get your caffeine fix?”

I pursed my lips. He was right—I’d go into withdrawal.

We headed out, promising to bring back one for Owen, and walked the few blocks to the coffee shop.

Nathan’s smile was forced as he looked down at me. My smile was forced as well. We were both keeping things from each other, and more than just the anxiety.

“So, do I get some special cream for my coffee today?” My attempt at banter sounded like I was trying too hard to my own ears, but his lip twitched. It may have been a poor go, but it did its job of giving levity to the air around us.

“I’m sure we could arrange that.” His arm wrapped around me, holding me close as we walked.

He tried not to be obvious, but I caught his gaze moving around, looking for them. I pulled myself tighter into him, knowing time was a precious commodity.

There was a small line when we entered, and I decided to forgo my usual regular coffee and go for something sweeter—a white mocha. Nathan paid, and we moved down to wait. His ring tone blared from his pocket, and he pulled his phone out, his brow scrunching as he looked down at the screen.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” His lips pressed against my forehead, then he turned and headed for the door, putting the phone up to his ear.

His back was to me as I stared out the window at him. He’d been so stressed lately. Nightmares, anxiety, anger. Every day he got closer to snapping, and I wondered when it would come, or if the Marconi would get us first. In light of my text from Noah, I knew the answer.

I blew out a breath and turned back to the counter to grab our drinks along with a carrier. My cheeks heated as I set them down to add the creamer to Owen’s. Nathan’s kinky stunt made me blush every time I’d gotten a coffee since then.

Once completed, I grabbed the cups and headed toward the door, but he was missing.

My heart stopped, and everything began to move in slow motion.

The carrier slipped from my hands, but I was already racing out the door, not caring that the hot liquid splashed on me as they hit the floor.

Panic gripped me as my vision narrowed in on him. His eyes were wide, searching around while his hands shook and his breath came out in clipped pants, face flush with anger. The phone that had once been in his hand was shattered on the ground—the glass cracked, the back popped off, and the battery lying a foot away.

People were staring at him with whispered words, wondering what was going on. There was an officer approaching, and I quickened my pace to his side.

“Nathan, what’s wrong?”

His angry eyes snapped to mine, then he wrapped his arms around me, turning us so that his back was to the street.

“I’ll protect you.”

“From what? Baby, what happened?”

“I’ll protect you.”

“You’re scaring me. What aren’t you saying?”

His jaw was clenched tight and he cursed when he looked down at his phone before bending over to pick up the pieces.

“We need to go.” He grabbed my arm and took off at a brisk pace that I was almost unable to keep up with.

I stumbled more than once, trying to keep up while wearing heels. “Where are we going?”

“Anywhere but here.” He shook his head, cursing under his breath.

I tugged back on my arm, yanking it free. He turned, annoyed, and reached for me again.

“No! What happened? Who called you?”

His face scrunched. “Noah called. Tom Preston was shot at lunch.”

I gasped. “Is he okay?”

“He’s alive, for now.”

Stunned silence took hold. What were we going to do?

“Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“I have to call Jack.”

I handed it over and got lost in my thoughts as he talked to Jack and our pace picked back up. I didn’t understand before, when we met, when I was told, my own naiveté clouding everything. It wasn’t just Nathan they were after. Everyone involved was marked.

A chill moved down my spine. Would they ever stop? I knew the answer—it was clear as day.

When we were all dead.