Seduce Me

Chapter 18—Casey

In the last two days, G.T. has been my rock. After our day long ride, I felt a bit more relaxed. But as soon as we got back to the clubhouse, I felt it happening again. The twitchy, jumpy anxiety that creeps into my body that I can’t shake. I know Paine and Jace are dead. G.T. wasn’t supposed to tell me because it is club business. But after talking to Pops he got the green light to tell me about Jace, they both agreed that I should know.

Thank God for that. I don’t think I could go on every day without knowing that those men wouldn’t be passing me on the street one day, ready to capture me, hurt me or kill me. Even though I saw Paine drop from the shot, I can still feel him and every time I do, I need a shower to scrub off his hands.

But, even with them gone, I can’t help but jump at the noises, the bangs on the doors and even when my damn phone rings. It’s not only what happened to me. All that Paine really did to me was touch my body on the outside and terrorize me with words about killing G.T. I hear those words replay in my dreams and wake up in cold sweats. Nothing can happen to G.T. ever. And I will probably never get over the Paine-Jace connection. But that’s not what really gets me.

It’s what I witnessed him doing with Shaina that I can’t ever seem to shake. It’s replaying in my head when I’m awake, when I’m asleep, and every moment of the day. Her screams, sobs and pleas roll over and over in my head. I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t do a damn thing to save her. I just had to listen and watch when Paine ordered me too or he’d shoot both of us on the spot. I had to buy time and hope we were found alive.

I want to talk to Shaina, but G.T. doesn’t think it will be good for me. I can’t blame him. I know I’ve been just going through the motions of life. I tell him I have to do my school work, but I don’t care about it. All I really want is to lie in bed and have G.T. hold me. And I also know I won’t get away with it for much longer.

Princess for one is about at her wit’s end with me and that’s one end no one wants to be at. It’s only a matter of time before she blows and takes me for a ride. G.T. doesn’t know what to do with me; hell I don’t know what to do with me. But he’s been so understanding and loving that it kills me when I break in front of him. The look in his eyes, he’s lost and I can’t find him right now. I need to find me.

I jump when there’s a knock on the door, but blow out a deep breath. “Who is it?” I ask cautiously.

“It’s me, Casey. Or is it Angel now?” The corner of my mouth turns up slightly at the sound of Doc calling me Angel. I slowly unlock the door and turn the handle. “Hey. You wanted to see me?”

“Yeah. Come on in.” I move away from the door and shut it when he enters. My heart pounds inside my chest so rapidly I fear it may burst. My hands sweat and I wipe them down my jeans. Doc turns and holds out his hands.

“What can I do for you?” I stare at the man not knowing where to start. I’ve never asked someone for help like this and I find it difficult to put the words together. I’m not sure what I need, but I hope that Doc does. He eyes me and quirks his eyebrow. “Angel, I know you’ve had a rough road. Is that what this is about?”

I nod my head and look at the floor. I breathe in and out trying to slow my heart down. My words come out in a rush. “I-don’t-know-what-to-do-Doc-I-can’t-sleep-for-shit-I-thought-I-was-totally-over-Mia-but-with-everything-that-happened-with-Jace-and-Paine-she-keeps-creeping-in-my-thoughts-I-worry-about-Shaina-and-I-can’t-take-it-anymore.” I stop, but don’t look up at Doc, don’t want to see whatever look he’s got, pity, condemnation… Who knows?

“Angel.” His voice is calm, but I still avoid him. “Casey.” His voice is more firm and authoritative this time and my eyes cast up. He smiles. “Sweetheart. This is normal. You’ve had a hell of a rough go. The first step to getting better is to ask for help. The fact that you picked up your phone and called me, tells me that you want to get better. Your mind is in a place that it needs to find peace.”

I don’t bother stopping the tears as they fall when he speaks. “Now, we need to get you in with a therapist.” I looked at him in shock. There is no way I’m telling a stranger my stuff. I can’t even tell G.T. everything, let alone some person I’ve never met. “I can see that you don’t like the idea, but do you want to get better?”

I do. I really do. I don’t want to live like I have the last few days or even worse sink down to where I was when I lost Mia. The doctors at the hospital said I should talk to someone and I wish I would have taken their advice, but at the time, I was in denial. “Yes.”

“Then we get you the help you need. Do you feel more comfortable talking to a woman or a man?” I pondered his question for only a moment.

“Woman.”

“Alright a colleague of mine would be perfect, Dr. Anderson, and I think you two will get along well. I’m gonna give her a call and set up an appointment for you. Alright?”

I nod. “Thanks Doc.”

“Anytime.” He walks in front of me and stands close. “Look at me, Casey.” My eyes slowly cast up a smirk playing on his mouth. “You did good. I’m proud of you.” He reaches around, wrapping his arms around my body. I reciprocate and for a moment just relax into his arms.

The door swings open, I jump, gasp and pull quickly out of Docs embrace.

“What the fuck is going on here?” G.T. roars and our eyes meet.

“Stop. It’s not what you’re thinking.”

“Really, Angel. What am I thinking right now?” He glares at Doc. “Get out!” He yells and then turns to me. Doc doesn’t move.

I walk to G.T. and place my hand on his chest. “Calm down. I need Doc to help me.” I breathe deep. “With everything going on, I can’t figure out how to do this. I asked him to help me.”

“You called him and you couldn’t tell me?”

“I’m sorry. I should have. But G.T. it was really hard picking up the phone and calling him in the first place, so can we please not fight about this?” He sighs and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his body. He kisses the top of my head and I melt into him.

Doc clears his throat. “I’ll be in contact soon with your information.” I try to pull out of G.T.’s grasp, but he’s not having it.

“Thank you.” My words muffled by G.T.’s shirt. He nods and walks towards the door.

“Sorry, man. Don’t like you having your hands on my girl.” G.T. says, pressing his chin to the top of my head.

“Take care of her, G.T.” He says, closing the door behind him.

“Talk to me.” His voice is firm, but very much laced with concern.

So many thoughts wrestle in my head, but I just speak from the heart. It’s time it comes out. “I feel like I did when I lost Mia. Lost. Broken. I go through the motions of the day, but it’s not like it should be. I need to figure this out before it gets worse. And it will get worse. I’ve been there. I can’t go back there. And I need to talk to Shaina.”

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“Yes.” No, not really, but it’s a step.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” He asks pulling me to the bed as I curl up in his lap. I don’t want to tell him what I saw, but I need to. Need to tell someone. I pull his shirt and get as close to him as I can.

“He…” my voice choked out. “…touched me.” His body tenses. “Not what you’re thinking. He ran his hands over my body and said things that echo in my head. Mainly the threats about killing you and letting me watch.” I breathe G.T.’s scent in deep, feeling a small bit of comfort. “But… It’s not me that I can’t stop thinking about. It’s Shaina.” His hand rubs up and down my back soothing me. “He took from her what she was not willing to give. Her screams echo in my dreams. When I close my eyes, I hear her pleas for him to stop and for someone to help her. For me to help her. And I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was so damn helpless.” Tears fall and I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “I need to tell her that I’m sorry. I need her to understand that I would have helped her no matter what, if I could have. I need her…” Sobs break through and I cling to his shirt. G.T. absently starts rocking me like I’m a child, the motion is a welcome distraction.

“I just need to talk to her, please.” I plead with him.

“Alright Angel. I’ll set it all up. She’s staying here right now. Pops wanted all of us to stay close after what happened.”

“I know.” I want to tell him to take me away from here. Not that I don’t like the clubhouse, it’s just too many noises all the time and I don’t think it’s helping me.

“We are packing up and moving into our house tomorrow. Tonight will be our last night here, hopefully for a long time.”

My head pops up and I bat the tears away. “Really? We get to leave?” I say, surprised.

He smiles. “Yeah. I finally get to take you home, babe. Away from all of this, where it can be just you and me. I’m not doing any runs for the next two weeks, so it’s just you and me for the most part.”

I squeeze him tight. “Thank you.” It does not pass me that I never got my fight about moving in with him, but I’ll let it go. He is after all going to be my husband.

“Anything for you and I’ll do whatever you need to make you feel better.”

We hold each other for the longest time. When he releases me briefly, he grabs his phone and dials. I hear the one-sided conversation to Princess setting up a meeting with Shaina tonight. I can’t help the nerves that kick in. I don’t want her to hate me because right now I hate myself enough for the both of us.

When my phone buzzes, I jump but answer it when I see Doc’s name. He set up an appointment with Dr. Anderson for me in the morning and G.T. says he’ll take me. Things have to be looking up. Right?

Shaina’s face is faded black and blue with partially healed cuts covering her cheeks and forehead. Her eyes widen as I enter the room and I still myself, waiting for the screams that will come out of her mouth, aimed at me. G.T. is at my back as I walk in the room. I didn’t want him to come in, but he insisted. He didn’t want me to go to the basement alone. He promised me that he would not be far away.

Shaina gets up from the chair and walks towards me. My eyes widen and panic sets in getting ready for the blow. When Shaina’s arms wrap around my body, she squeezes and we both unleash the tears that need to fall. We stay locked in an embrace for a long time, both needing to feel the pain of Paine. And both understanding what it was like in that room. No one else will ever know the terror we felt and still feel, but Shaina got the worst of it.

When she pulls away from me and looks into my eyes, words fall from my lips. “I’m so sorry, Shaina. So very sorry.”

“Shh… It is not your fault Casey.” She grabs my hand and moves us to the table and chairs. We sit. G.T. stays far enough away to give us privacy, but close enough in case something happens. “You didn’t do this. That asshole did.”

“But I couldn’t stop him.”

“No, you couldn’t. I couldn’t either. I’m not gonna lie and say I’m okay, cause I’m seriously not. But I do know that it’s not your fault. At all. You cannot think any of this is.”

“I feel so damn guilty.”

“Why? Because you’re not Diamond’s daughter? That’s why he wanted me Casey. You heard him. He wanted to make Diamond pay from the grave. Instead of that, he made me pay. There was no changing his mind. Nothing. What happened to me is a result of who my father was.”

“You can’t blame your dad.” I whisper.

“I don’t know how I feel right now about that. I’m not sure how I feel about a lot of things. But one thing is for sure, I do not blame you in any way. You are probably the only reason he didn’t kill us immediately. I know we were buying time, but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

“I’m going to talk to someone. I think you should too.” I say wanting to suggest it but not step over bounds.

“Princess said the same thing. I’m not sure what to do right now. I’ll figure it out though. You do not worry about me. The only thing I ask of you is that you keep in touch with me. I need to know that you are okay.”

I am stunned by her words. If anything, I thought she’d want to hightail it away from the club and never look back. Not want to keep in contact with me and certainly not to make sure that I am okay. If anything it should be me voicing my worry for her. “Of course. But you have to do the same.”

“Absolutely. I’m going to go to my mom’s cabin for a while. It’s quiet up there and I need time to figure this out.”

“You sure being alone is a good thing?”

“For me. Yes.”

I nod my head trying to understand, but I’m not her and I don’t make choices for others.

“Keep in touch. Okay?”

“Okay.” I rise from the chair and hug her tight. A small bit of weight lifts off of my shoulders but worry still encases me. I hope the doctor will be able to help.

“How’d it go, Angel?” G.T. asks as we walk out of Dr. Anderson’s office. He wanted to come inside with me, but I needed to do it on my own. To be honest, I’m glad I did. Dr. Anderson is a slender woman with dark brown hair that is cut in a pixie cut. She has the glasses that scream doctor. But what I really like about her is when I walked in, she oozed comfort. There is something about her that makes me feel like I can talk to her and open up.

I surely didn’t think that would happen, but with her it did. And boy did I open up to her.

“It went well.” I smile. “She’s easy to talk to and I like her.”

“I’m glad you’re seeing a woman.” Like I didn’t already know this. Not only did I choose a woman for myself, I did it for him as well. I’m not stupid. “You want to talk about it?”

“I feel good G.T. I’m ready to move.” I say excited for the first time since it happened.

“Me too. Let’s get you home.” He smiles putting his hand on the small of my back and pressing me into my car.

For the first time in a while, warmth creeps through my body. Home. Something I haven’t felt in a long time. Now, I’ll have a home with G.T. Now if I can just shake all the rest.

“That’s the last of it.” G.T. says dropping the box to the ground with a thud.

“Thank you.” I say looking around at the space that G.T. wants to make ours. The term bachelor pad doesn’t seem right, but it’s the only thing that comes to mind. When we walked in, the house was so damn musty that it suffocated me until G.T. opened some windows and got the funk out.

Food boxes, beer bottles and clothes were strewn throughout the place and I did a quick clean just to move around. Furniture wise, there isn’t much, couch, chair and huge TV. I’ll need to pull some things out of storage soon.

The bedroom is the same, barren, with a bed and dresser. The first thing I did is grab the sheets and bedding and strip them off. G.T. laughed as I went straight out to the trash and chucked them into the can. I do not want to know who or what has been on those sheets and it will be the first order of business to get a new bed. If this is our new life, I’m not doing it on a bed that God knows what happened in.

“Angel, let’s go get a bed and some other shit you want. I want you to make this your place. But none of that pink shit.” He smirks and I damn well know that if I find a damn pink pillow, he’d suck it up and have it, at least for a while.

“Please. I want a place to sleep tonight.” I joke and he laughs.

After shopping and dinner, we lug everything back into the house and I mean lug about ten bags of new, clean things. The bed is being delivered in one hour and I’m tired. Really really tired. Sleep hasn’t been good for me these past few nights.

I yawn and lay on the couch, a feeling of calm washes over me. The sounds here are soft and I find myself relaxing. I fall into a deep sleep.

My eyes flutter open as G.T. picks me up and carries me in his strong arms down the hallway. I look in the bedroom we just walked into. The bed showed up while I was sleeping and G.T. made it with the new sheets we bought. “You set it up?” I whisper surprised.

“Anything for you, Angel. Sleep.” He lays me down softly pulling the blankets up over my body. The bed dips down and G.T. climbs in behind me wrapping his arms around me. I snuggle into his warmth, feel the soft sheets and close my eyes for the most peaceful rest I’ve had in a long time.

G.T.

I watch my Angel sleep, her breathing slow and deep. I’d do anything to take away her pain. I’d gladly put it on my shoulders and carry it for her. But unfortunately I can’t, and it makes me feel so damn helpless.

It kills me that she couldn’t talk to me about what happened to her. Like I’d ever think less of her if he actually did touch her. But who knows what the hell goes on in a woman’s head. I’m just glad that this doctor is someone she feels that she can talk to. I shouldn’t be hurt that it’s not me, but fuck I can’t help that shit. All I do know for sure is I’m glad she picked a woman to talk to. It was hard enough waiting for her to get through her session. If I’d had to wait while she was in with another man behind closed doors, I would have lost my shit.

I keep in the back of my head all the time to be careful with her. I will not push her. I will show her every damn day that I want her and will always find her beautiful no matter how she feels about what happened.

The memories of that day are etched into my brain and I’d do anything to bleach them out. There are nights that I wake up with a jolt, visions of her hanging by her arms, but I mask that shit quickly, not wanting to scare my girl. She’s been doing so damn good. She’s so fucking strong and I love her more and more each day.

When she wanted to see Shaina, I wanted to flat out refuse. There was no fucking way I wanted her to relive that shit and seeing Shaina would definitely do that. It was selfish, I fully admit. But I had the best intentions at heart. I just want to shield her and protect her as much as I can. Several times I’ve thought of locking her in a room and never letting her leave. But I know she’d never let that fly. I chuckle to myself at the thought.

It’d actually be nice to see that fire. She’s been so mellow. Strong, but subdued.

All I know is that I love her and I will do anything and everything I can to help her get through this.