The Warrior Within

12

When I woke in the morning, I dressed and went to the kitchen for something to eat. Gilor and the three girls were there, and I had the impression they’d been up for hours. Gilor looked at my hand but didn’t change the bandage, and then gave me a large bowl of something thick.

“I do not believe I care for the appearance of this.” I said, studying the coarse-grained contents of the bowl. “Is there no meat at hand?”

“The meat is for l’lendaa,” she said with slight annoyance.” Wendaa make do with such as you have. Eat quickly Terril, as there are many things which must be done this day. The denday’s house does not exist of its own.”

She turned away to do something else and I watched her for a minute, then looked back at the bowl of thick meal. It wasn’t very appetizing, and I’d grown used to having meat for breakfast. Leaving the bowl on the nearest board, I waited until everyone’s attention was definitely elsewhere, helped myself to a chunk of meat, then left the kitchen.

The meat wasn’t dimral, and it was very tasty I ate it with enjoyment, then went back to the kitchen to refill the water pitcher. Gilor, having noticed the still-full bowl, watched me curiously but she didn’t comment. I had my drink, replaced the pitcher in the barbarian’s room, then went outside.

My seetar was happy to see me, and I was happy to feel her contentment. She chewed at her own breakfast as I stood near her, and once again I was pushed at gently from behind. The barbarian’s mount had come to greet me, but this time he wasn’t hungry. He rumbled at me softly pleased with the calmer tenor of my mind, then turned his attention to my girl. She felt his attention and was puzzled by it, and he was amused.

I stayed with the seetarr brushing first my girl, then the barbarian’s male, until they both shone a glossy black. When I finally stepped back to wipe away the sweat and admire my work, the two seetarr understanding that I was through, proceeded to lower themselves to the ground and roll around contentedly. I don’t know whether or not they heard my groan, but their comforting thoughts reached me at the same time as the barbarian’s laughter.

He stood just outside the corral fence, and it was fairly obvious that he’d been there for some time. His calm thoughts never brought him to my attention when I wasn’t seeing him, and I didn’t care for it. I resolved to be on the alert for him in the future.

“That is ever the way with seetarr” He grinned, letting himself into the corral. “They must be well tied if the brushing is not to be undone.”

“From now on they can stay unbrushed,” I said sourly watching the two ingrates grunt and roll around with the deepest of enjoyment. “Who am I to interfere with their contentment?”

“Learning will come to you with experience,” he said looking me over with a critical eye. “You, too, appear to have rolled in the dust. You may bathe in the river when you join the others for the washing of clothing. My warriors will be there to guard you.”

“Your warriors can guard whatever they like,” I answered brushing my hair back out of my eyes. “I’ll be bathing in my tub in the kitchen.”

“The tub has been removed,” he said, folding his arms. You shall bathe in the river or not bathe at all. Here, I am denday. Do you wish to take my position, you must face me with sword in hand. Is this your wish, O would-be warrior?”

“Why is my bathing in the kitchen a challenge to your position?” I asked in annoyance. “I didn’t say you had to bathe me!”

“I should not have allowed the tub to begin with,” he answered, his tone still even. “Your obedience is not so remarkable as to merit reward. I was taken by the surprise of your power, but shall not allow such to occur again. Do as you will, wenda, but know that disobedience shall bring you punishment—as with other wendaa. You may bathe in the river, but may not swim. Come you now to the house.”

He headed back toward the house and I threw the seetar brush away and followed, silently cursing his stubbornness. He was determined to keep me as nothing but wenda, and if I tried to disagree he’d reach for the nearest switch. I’d tried to bluff my way out of the corner, but he’d called my bluff and now I had to walk more warily than before. If he ever found out that he’d backed down on nothing but an empty threat... Gilor was waiting in the entrance hall, and she smiled pleasantly when she saw me, then spoke to the barbarian. “May I now have the use of her, Tammad? There is much to do with Rapan otherwise engaged.”

“You may have her, Gilor,” he answered with a faint grin, looking me over with a good deal more amusement than he was showing. “Teach her what there is of kitchen work, so that it shall no longer be a mystery to her.”

He strode on out through the curtains, and Gilor laughed softly. “You have now found a new place, Terril, yet shall it soon become familiar to you. Come, I shall explain your duties.”

She led the way to the kitchen while I seethed quietly. She and the barbarian both were having a grand time at my expense, but it might be possible to disappoint them. The mysteries of a kitchen were ones I had no intentions of reading.

Gilor had me wash off some of the seetar smell, then gave me a large bowl filled with some sort of pod vegetable. She showed me how to open the pod to reach the vegetable inside, providing another bowl to hold the shelled results. When she’d watched me do it once and was satisfied, she started to turn away, then changed her mind.

“Terril,” she said hesitantly, “during the last sun you spoke of being a—a Prime. I would know the meaning of such.”

“It is merely my position in my own land.” I answered, inspecting the pod vegetable unenthusiastically “A position of high respect—and no menial labor.”

“I know of such.” She nodded, the hesitation immediately gone. “In a manner of speaking, a wenda denday. The Revenas to the south are ruled by wendaa, and sacrifice all captured l’lendaa to them. Yet now are you the belonging of Tammad. Best you forget that which is past, and learn the ways of your new land. It is in my mind that the denday shall not unband you.”

Not until I’ve done his job for him, I added silently as she walked away. And a job that would not be long in coming. There was no telling how long I would spend at Tammad’s house, but it couldn’t be too long. The Ratanan was soon due to convene.

I spent the next hour or so getting on Gilor’s nerves. When she came back to check on the pod vegetables, she found that I’d damaged most of them and had mixed in a fair amount of shell with the vegetable. Her annoyance was of a pleasing intensity, and it didn’t take much of a touch to make her pull the whole thing away from me. She tried me on stirring a thick soup next, and was appalled at the amount of soup I managed to slosh onto the floor. After she’d inspected the metal plates and bowls I’d supposedly scrubbed with sand, she gave up altogether.

“I shall inform Tammad that should he wish to have sustenance for his guests, he must find other use for you,” she said with her fists on her hips. “It is beyond my comprehension how wenda may grow to your size and still have learned nothing. Here, take to him this trejna and be gone!”

I took the bowl of stew she thrust at me and escaped, pausing near the curtain to the meeting room only long enough to remove all traces of my grin. Wholehearted cooperation can often get you out of unpleasant situations a good deal faster than stubborn balking.

I pushed the curtain aside to see about a dozen men sitting in a loose semicircle near the barbarian. The men were wearing those robes I’d noticed earlier, and most of them held piles of cured animal skins and pieces of charcoal. One of the men to the barbarian’s right was speaking to him.

“...and should the raids continue, denday, I shall have nothing for the people of our city” he said firmly “How may my caravans arrive intact when the savages are allowed to ride unmolested?”

“I shall have a number of my warriors accompany your next caravan, Voldar,” the barbarian answered. And should there be the need, we shall ride out in full strength at the conclusion of the Ratanan. We cannot survive without the caravans.”

“It is good you have returned, denday,” another of them said. “As merchants, we must have the support of warriors if we are to see our city live and grow, but not many of the l’lendaa are able to speak with us without insult, unintentional as it may be. To be merchant does not make a man darayse.”

“You yourself are proof of that, Naggas.” The barbarian grinned. “Though a merchant these many years, you still remain true l’lenda. It is good for a man to show others that new ways may be learned with ease.”

“Less with ease than with hard work.” Naggas laughed. “Though there is much to commend the life of l’lenda, still do I find the many demands of a merchant’s life more fascinating. And you, Tammad, have done exceedingly well as denday of our city, far better than the denday who was.”

“The man knew little of a city’s needs.” The barbarian shrugged. “We are fortunate that he knew equally little of the use of a sword. Bring the trejna here, wenda. I would taste it before the mold sets in”

The other men chuckled, and I realized I’d just been standing there listening. As I carried the bowl toward him, I tried to control the light blush on my cheeks, but couldn’t seem to do it. I always did something wrong in front of him.

“A wenda worth the banding,” the man Naggas commented in approval as he stared at me. “Should you tire of this one as you did the others, Tammad, I would buy her from you.

“Best you bear in mind what you have learned as a merchant, Naggas.” The barbarian grinned. “The most attractive bolt of cloth may be useless for practical purposes. This one shall take much teaching yet before she is worth the banding—if ever she is worth it.”

“You misbegotten son of strangers.” I choked as the merchants laughed. As if I were there because I’d asked to be! I took the bowl of trejna and threw it at him with all my strength, then turned and ran from the room.

I slammed the sleep room door behind me and went to the window, totally unable to control the misery I felt. “Useless” he’d called me, and it wouldn’t have hurt nearly so much if it hadn’t been true. On Central, I was respected as a Prime; on Rimilia, I was useless. I put my hand on one of the window bars, and the gleaming, bronze-colored wrist band caught my eye. I looked around, saw an empty dagger sheath on the floor in the corner, went and got it quickly then forced it under the band. If I pushed hard enough, the band would open, and I didn’t care how much it hurt as long as the bands were off!

“No,” the barbarian said, suddenly right behind me. “The bands shall stay as they are.”

He twisted the dagger sheath out of my hand, making me furious. “What for?” I demanded harshly “I’m obviously not fit to wear them. Go and find a kitchen queen to band and leave me alone! And I don’t care if you beat me for throwing things at you. If I ever get another chance, I’ll do it again!”

“You shall not be beaten,” he said gently holding me against him in spite of my struggles. “Do you not know, warrior, that it is fitting for a man to speak well of another man’s wenda, but not of his own? It was not my intention to give you insult, yet I had forgotten how deep ran your pride. I ask your pardon.”

“Just leave me alone.” I repeated in a whisper, not even struggling any longer. “Take your bands and your furs, and forget about me until it’s time for me to do my job. I’ll sit in a back room somewhere and not bother anybody.”

“You shall remain in my bands as well as my furs,” he said softly, stroking my hair. “All know of your presence, yet even had they not known, I would not allow you to do such a thing. It would not be fitting.”

He picked me up then and carried me to his furs, and it was impossible not to respond to him. He echoed my projection more strongly than ever, showing that my projection was stronger than it had been, which wasn’t surprising. He finally left me there in the furs, and when he was gone I had the usual trouble moving.

The upset reached me before I was physically aware of anyone’s presence. I turned my head to see Rapan in the doorway and she stared at me, shaking her head.

“I do not understand,” she said in confusion. “Had he just visited me, I would be wrapped in bliss, yet you seem less happy even than I. Does it mean nothing to you that you wear his bands?”

“Wearing his bands means more than you know,” I answered bitterly. “Were it possible, I would gift them all to you, then you might have the pain of his touch.”

“There is none more gentle than Tammad!” she said indignantly holding her head angrily high. “His every word and gesture, the wisdom of his ways—none may compare! Though Kennan’s touch was pain to begin with, even he has gentleness within him. Am I to believe the denday is less than Kennan?”

“You may believe as you wish.” I said tiredly “A man need not be concerned with being gentle with one whom he cares nothing for. He keeps me in his bands and furs as a monument to the fitting. For all else, I am useless.”

She started again, unable to understand or answer me, then said, “Gilor bade me fetch you to a meal. Afterward, we go to the river to wash clothing and bathe. You are to come now.”

You are to come now. There was always something to do or somewhere to go on that world. I got to my feet, straightened the imad and caldin, then followed her to the kitchen. Gilor looked at me and frowned, then gestured toward a bowl of trejna without saying anything. I took the bowl, ate what I could of the trejna, then left the rest and picked up my pile of dirty clothing. Beneath the two sets of imad and caldin was a familiar looking brown haddin, which made me wonder how strong the river current was.

When everyone was finished eating, we took our bundles of wash to the front door, where a half-dozen l’lendaa were waiting to escort us. A small dirt road to the right of the main road led to the river, and Rapan and the other girls walked ahead, the girls whispering question after question, Rapan answering each casually and with a shrug. The l’lendaa followed along a short distance behind Gilor and me, and Gilor chuckled.

“The others ask Rapan of Kennan.” she said softly to me. “They, too, look forward to first banding, and have great curiosity. Is it not so with all wendaa?”

“It is not so in my land.” I shrugged. “My friends and I chose our first men casually knowing there was little difference between them. It mattered not which we chose first.”

And now you yourself have been chosen, and it matters a great deal,” she murmured. “Tammad is l’lenda, and shall do with you as he pleases. It is this which disturbs you, is it not?”

“I care nothing for what pleases your denday,” I said, kicking a small stone down the road ahead of me. “He deems me useless, and I would be free of his bands and gone from the sight of him.”

“He does not deem you useless in all ways,” she commented, looking at me from the sides of her eyes. “I have rarely seen him in such high spirits as when he left you earlier, yet you do not share his high spirits. Is it possible to give a man such pleasure and yet be untouched yourself?”

“I am touched.” I answered heavily “I am touched with pain as always. Why must he take me so hard, Gilor? Though he cares nothing for me, is it beyond him to see what he does to me? He sees the pain of others, so why does he not see mine?”

“Do you show pain in his sight?” she asked gently shifting the things she carried to her left arm so she could put the right one around my shoulders. Her compassion was strong, and I wanted to cling to it the way the tenna had clung to me. “From the little I have seen, Terril, you show him nothing of your pain. A man often loses himself in the enjoyment of his wenda—the deeper his enjoyment, the deeper is he lost. Yet Tammad is a man who would guard himself did he but know of your difficulty. Why do you not speak to him of it?”

“And be deemed more useless still?” I asked. “I would sooner have the pain than ease it in such a manner. I have shown him weakness too many times to wish to add to it.”

“There is no shame in showing weakness.” She smiled softly “It is one of the ways wendaa are more fortunate than l’lendaa. It is for l’lendaa to be strong come what may; we need not be troubled by so foolish a thing. To be free to show weakness brings a strength of its own.”

“Strength.” I echoed, staring at the small clouds of dust our feet kicked up. “Once I, too, had strength. Now it is gone, taken from me by the one who has taken me. Soon I shall be returned to my own land. Will my strength be returned also?”

“A woman gives her strength to the man she favors.” Gilor smiled more broadly squeezing me. “In such a way may she then share his strength. Tammad shall not unband you as quickly as you believe, Terril. I have seen him many times with wendaa he has banded, yet never has he seemed so satisfied. He shall keep you long, I think, and perhaps allow you to bear his child. It is a great honor to bear the child of a denday.”

“Bear his what?” I asked in shock, staring at her wide-eyed. “I shall do nothing of the sort!”

“The choice is his.” She laughed contentedly “Should he wish you to have his child, you shall have it within you in spite of your protests. Have you never borne a man’s child?”

“Never!” I answered with a shudder. I knew the man was a barbarian, but to do something like that! Happily I was well protected, and would remain protected until I was safely back on Central.

We heard the sound of seetar hooves, and turned to see twenty l’lendaa riding up the main road toward the far end of the town. After thinking about them for a minute, I decided that they were road guards like the ones we’d passed on the way into town. There hadn’t been a sign of them showing, but I’d hardly been able to miss the alert attention of so many minds. The town looked to be wide-open and undefended, but that wasn’t the case.

We reached the river after another few minutes of walking, and there wasn’t anyone else in sight. Gilor mentioned with a grin that they usually went earlier, but the denday could not be denied his enjoyment. The guarding l’lendaa laughed at that and looked at me, and the young girls giggled. All, that is, but Rapan. She just took her clothes and began washing them.

When all the clothes were washed—with soft, lumpy soap that Gilor had brought along—it was time to bathe. Three of the l’lendaa had their backs to us, eyes moving constantly in all directions, hands resting lightly on weapons, but the other three stood with folded arms and lazy grins, staring straight at us. The wendaa didn’t seem to notice the stares; they just stripped happily before slipping into the water. I did the same but more quickly, wondering if there really was danger around. Wenda guard detail could always be a reward for good behavior.

I used some of the harsh, lumpy soap in my hair, then relaxed a bit and just soaked. I was disturbed slightly by what Gilor had said about the barbarian’s satisfaction, but finally decided that she was wrong. He was pleased with me in the furs and in my job capacity, but he wouldn’t dare try keeping me after the Ratanan. I wasn’t just any stray girl, I was a Prime! He couldn’t decide to keep me in his bands and in his house forever. Bracing myself against the river current, I made myself believe that.

The l’lendaa didn’t let us bathe long as the river was higher than normal due to all the rain that had fallen. The current wasn’t impossibly strong, but the other women didn’t know how to swim and the men were nervous. I climbed out with reluctance and dressed quickly, sneering at myself for not swimming in spite of the barbarian’s orders. Myself sneered back with a very vivid picture of the switch that would have been used on me, and asked dryly how well I would have been able to control the pain during the switching. I said nothing to that, but added the question to the rest of my worries.

When we got back to the house, we went around to the rear and spread the wet clothes over tightly stretched pieces of netting, then weighted the corners of the clothes down with rocks. I thought we’d be going back into the house then, but only Rapan went in. The rest of us followed Gilor around the house to the main road, and from there into the town.

There were just as many people about as had been the last time, and we made our way slowly through the crowds. There were many women there, some alone, some with men, but the majority of them had small children either in their arms or by one hand, and some had both. I found myself curious about the older children, but seeing one of the men with a boy about seven and a girl about eight reminded me of another of their customs. The women looked after the children until they were about five, then the men took over their training, boy and girl alike. The women bore children for their men, but the children belonged solely to the men. If a woman was sold after having a man’s child, the child did not go with her.

“See you there,” Gilor said softly to me, nodding toward a woman who wore two usual bands and also a leather headband. The woman was well advanced in pregnancy but moved her swollen body easily “That wenda swore to us all that never would she bear a man’s child; she now carries his third, just as reluctantly as the first two. The l’lenda to whom she belongs cares more for the getting of his children than for her humor. Should he find a more willing and attractive woman, he will sell her, yet until he does, she acts as she is bidden. The choice ever belongs to l’lendaa.”

“There are some choices even beyond l’lendaa,” I answered with a good deal of satisfaction. “Why does she wear the band about her hair?”

“The headband is to show that she is with child,” Gilor explained. “There are l’lendaa who would buy a woman with child sooner than one who is not. It is proof that the woman is not barren.”

“Your ways are exceedingly strange to me.” I admitted. “On our journey here, your denday and I were joined by one of the l’lendaa and his wenda. The l’lenda asked the denday to honor him by using his wenda. I was told that the l’lenda hoped to see his woman with child by the denday, but he was given no more than the single opportunity. Should she indeed find herself with child, how are they to know if the child is truly that of the denday, or merely of the l’lenda himself?”

“Tammad rarely needs further opportunity” Gilor laughed. “Yet it matters not. The child shall be considered as belonging to the l’lenda, and shall be watched carefully for signs of greatness. Should the signs become apparent, the child may claim kinship to the denday and thereby further himself. The I’lenda shall have the honor of raising the child, and thereby gain greater stature. In such a thing, there is satisfaction for all.”

“Strange,” I repeated, shaking my head. “There is much to think upon here. Where do we go now, Gilor?”

“We go to replenish the stores of the denday,” she answered. “Other l’lendaa may hunt and trap for the dinga to buy that which they wish to have, or they may sell the use of their swords to the city in return for the dinga. Tammad is too burdened with the problems of all, and therefore must have his needs supplied without dingo. The merchants give willingly, glad that he is there to aid them. We go first for the vegetables our own gardens do not produce.”

We made our way into a building that had shelves and boxes filled with vegetables of all sorts. Gilor picked and chose what she wanted then led the way out again. I’d never seen a building filled with food like that, and it was an odd sight. My own house’s chef had the food delivered to it already cooked and placed in stasis. The chef had only to remove the stasis field and deliver the dish. I’d once, as a child, seen raw food, but in nothing like the quantity that that building had held.

We made the rounds of all the food buildings, pausing now and then at the stalls that held cloth and jewelry. There was finer cloth than that which our imad and caldin were made of, and the women stared at it lovingly. I had the feeling that the cloth was ours for the asking, but Gilor didn’t ask. She just sighed a little, then went on to the next building.

We got back to the barbarian’s house loaded down with packages, but I was wearier than carrying them around accounted for. I’d had to spend a good deal of energy defending myself from the people of the town, and I wasn’t used to it. Men and women alike seemed to know who I was, and the feelings of desire and envy and curiosity had almost been staggering. I’d noticed that very very few of the women were even four-banded, let alone five, and that seemed to add something to the emotional overtones. I felt pale with my efforts, and the relative peace of the house was very welcome.

Meat and vegetables were put up quickly to cook, and Gilor set me to putting clean goblets on trays. I did it automatically, encouraging my inner self to relax and regather strength, and by the time the food was ready I’d almost come back to normal. Rapan came in, saying that Tammad and Kennan were ready to eat, and that she and I were to join them. Two platters were given to each of us, one of the girls coming along to carry the goblets. The men were alone in the meeting room and were naturally served first, then Rapan and I were able to sit and eat.

Kennan and the barbarian were in a good mood, joking with each other as they ate. They each listed all sorts of deficiencies in their respective wendaa, but with big grins and broad winks. Rapan blushed and looked down at her food, but I stared at the men and weighed my plate in my hand. The barbarian got the message and laughingly changed the subject.

When all the food was eaten, the two men drank briefly from their goblets, then stood up, inspecting Rapan and me lazily. Rapan got quickly to her feet too, but I stood more slowly wondering what the men were up to. Kennan felt a strong sense of expectation, and the barbarian was controlling himself firmly.

“Kennan and I have spoken,” the barbarian announced with his usual calm. “I have been asked to honor my guest, and have agreed to do so. In return, I have gifted to my guest the use of my own wenda, whom he shall use as his until the return of his. Rapan, you are to come with me.”

Rapan was delirious in her excitement, but the announcement affected me differently. He always seemed to be taking one woman or another with him, palming me off on the man who was wenda-less. I said, “The denday may take all of the city to his furs, but I grow weary of l’lendaa without end. Find another to console Kennan. I have no interest in him.”

I started to turn away but Kennan grabbed my arm in his oversized hand. “The denday has spoken, Terril.” He grinned.

“You are mine until Rapan is returned to me. Come you now and show the proper respect.”

“Respect for whom?” I snorted. “There are none about worthy of respect!”

I waited until the flash of anger loosened his grip the least little bit, then pulled away and ran out of the room. I could feel him right behind me, but I wasn’t running aimlessly I went straight out the back door, across the twenty feet, and into the corral.

My seetar was on her way to me even before I’d shut the corral gate. She knew that something was upsetting me, and she was concerned and angry. I met her a short distance away from the gate, leaning against her huge side as she nuzzled my shoulder comfortingly. I’d sleep with the seetarr if I had to, but I would not go with Kennan. Just because that barbarian periodically tired of me didn’t mean that I wanted to go searching for new talent, too. And Gilor had been so certain about his satisfaction. A lot she knew.

The corral gate opened again almost immediately showing Kennan standing there. He was as big as all l’lendaa and his annoyance was completely in proportion to his size, but I had an ally of my own and my ally made Kennan look small. He started toward me without hesitation, but a snort and deep rumble from my seetar made him falter, then stop altogether.

“Come you here, wenda!” he ordered sternly “You must emerge from there at some time, so this action avails you naught! The denday has gifted you to me for the present, and with me you shall be!”

“The denday may fill your furs himself.” I called in answer. “I shall not! Think you to deal with this wenda I stand beside as easily as you deal with Rapan? You may make the attempt if you wish, Kennan, but I shall not leave here!”

Kennan put angry fists on his hips, but I was answered from another quarter. “You shall leave here, wenda,” the barbarian said as he came into the corral behind Kennan. Rapan stayed at the fence and watched us all wide-eyed.

The barbarian started toward me, ignoring the warning rumble of my seetar, slapping his hand sharply against his thigh. Suddenly his saddle mount appeared next to him, and the big male let his nose be rubbed with a good deal of satisfaction, then joined his rider in advancing toward me.

It all happened so quickly, I barely had time to see it, let alone anticipate it. I stood to my seetar’s left, and the barbarian walked to his seetar’s right. When the two males were three feet away, my seetar charged the man with a squeal of rage, but the male seetar moved unbelievably fast to block her. The man darted around the two seetarr grabbed me before I could even blink, threw me up on his shoulder, then raced out of the corral. His male was having a hard time stopping my female without hurting her, and when Kennan slammed the gate closed behind us, the male seetar simply got out of the way. My female came crashing into the fence, but the heavy, reinforced wood held her weight, and she was helpless to keep the barbarian from carrying me back into the house.

I was taken to his sleeping room, and wasn’t put back on my feet until the door was closed firmly behind us. The barbarian stood and studied me, so I folded my arms and stared back at him.

“Again you disobey me,” he said with a curious lack of anger. “Kennan shall have you for as long as I have Rapan.”

“The Ratanan will be long since forgotten before she gives you up.” I snorted. “I didn’t come here to settle down with Kennan.”

“I am aware that you came only to serve me, wenda.” He grinned, enjoying the double or triple meaning. “Yet there are other services to be performed, and you shall obey me in all things. Return to Kennan and ask his pardon.”

“I won’t do it,” I said with a headshake. “Why do you always have to include me in your bed-hopping? If you want me out of the way, just say so. I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your- affairs of honor.”

“The matter with Rapan is more important than it seems,” he said softly, coming over to run his hand over my back beneath the imad. I shivered slightly and moved away, but he just grinned a little. “Sooner would I have you in my furs, l’lenda-wenda, yet I must wait until Rapan is seen to. I cannot give her child, but must do all possible to give her freedom from the attraction she still feels for me, if not for her sake, then for Kennan’s. Go you now to Kennan in obedience to my word.”

“I refuse,” I answered, steeling myself for the beating I knew was coming. I would not go willingly to any l’lenda.

The barbarian shook his head with a sigh, then took my wrist and towed me out of the room. Kennan and Rapan stood a short way down the hall, and we stopped in front of them.

“My wenda is now yours,” he said to Kennan, pulling me closer to the big l’lenda. “You have my permission to punish her lightly for the insult she gave you. It is more fitting than punishment at my hand.”

“The insult shall be totally wiped away” Kennan grinned, getting a good grip on my arm. “Come, Terril, and we shall discuss the giving of insult—and its consequences. Rapan, go you with Tammad.”

Kennan dragged me back up the hall past the barbarian’s room, and I turned once to see the barbarian standing there watching us, seemingly totally oblivious to Rapan who gazed up at him lovingly. Once again, someone else had gentleness to look forward to, while all I had in store was punishment. I looked away from the man who had put me in chains, and didn’t look back again.

Kennan’s sleeping room was no different from the barbarian’s. He threw me down on his sleeping furs, then crouched to tell me what would have happened to me had I been male and spoken as I had. He didn’t leave out the least gory detail, and when he was through, he stood again to remove his haddin.

“Rejoice that you be wenda, Terril,” he summed up, throwing the haddin from him. “You may not lose your life through insult, yet still shall you regret your words. The darayse of your land do not dwell in ours.”

He caught me as I tried for the door, then proceeded to make me regret what I’d said. My imad and caldin were quickly removed, and he used me as l’lendaa do, but he also used me in the most embarrassing and humiliating of ways. I was helpless to stop him, my tears of frustration and shame simply giving him greater pleasure. He felt himself morally right, and there was nothing that would change his mind.

I lay in misery next to him as he rested, asking myself what he would do next, when the door to the room flew open and Rapan ran in. She threw herself into his arms sobbing wildly, and his surprise was genuine.

“Rapan, what ails you?” he asked, holding her tight to comfort her. “What has happened?”

“Take me away from here!” she begged, trying to get even closer to him. “I had thought him gentle, but Terril spoke truly! He—he—caused me such pain, Kennan! Please take me away!”

“As quickly as I am clad,” he assured her with a gentle hug, then disengaged himself from her viselike grip. He dressed fast, added his swordbelt, then helped her to her feet and out of the room. His emotions were tender concern, great happiness, and deep gratitude. He had also completely forgotten about me.

I tried to soothe down my own emotions, but often that’s too much like a medic trying to fix a wound on his own back. I could calm myself in times of crisis, but ordinary emotional upheaval was too much to work through. My own emotions blocked my control, and made the effort a waste of time.

“So Terril spoke truly!” a quiet voice said from behind me. “And why did Terril not say to me that which she said to others?”

“Would it have made a difference?” I asked tonelessly, not even turning to look at him. “What do you care about what happens to me as long as I’m here and healthy enough to attend the Ratanan? I’m a useless female, wearing your bands only because you have no other choice. Ahresta wenda.”

“You are not ahresta!” he said angrily “If you were truly unwanted and kept only out of pity, five bands would not be necessary. I have already been asked many times if I have tired of you as yet! Such does not occur with ahresta wenda!”

“That’s only because they don’t know,” I said, lowering my check to the furs. “Maybe if you give me away often enough, they’ll begin to believe you.”

“It was my duty as host to gift you to Kennan,” he said harshly, moving toward me. “Also you must learn to soften your words with l’lenda lest they take insult! Too long have you been used to the men of your world who—”

He had unexpectedly crouched down to turn me to face him, and my gasp cut his sentence short. I’d been unprepared for the sudden movement, and the pain had gotten away from me. I controlled it quickly but not before he had seen.

“What has been done to you?” he demanded with a frown, looking me over carefully “Kennan was told he might punish you lightly. Did he mistake my meaning?”

“He understood you.” I told him stiffly. “What he did wouldn’t have hurt so much if it hadn’t been for—”

“My use of you earlier,” he finished heavily when I didn’t. “It is now completely clear to me why you seek comfort and protection from seetarr. You have no l’lenda you may turn to. Lie still until the pain has passed.”

He stretched out next to me and took me gently in his arms, stroking my hair soothingly. When I felt him trying to project safety and peace at me I could have cried—particularly because that’s exactly what I did feel just then. He held me as if I meant something to him, and in spite of the pain I understood Rapan’s comment about bliss. I was almost lost between his giant arms and mighty chest; but I never wanted to be found again.

The pain eventually eased as most pain does, and I told him so because I felt he had something else he was waiting to do. It was cold when he took his arms away, and I dressed quickly as he stood there, then followed him out into the hall. He hesitated near the door to his sleeping room, but made up his mind fast and threw the door open.

“Go you now to your furs,” he directed. “I would have had you with me at the meeting this night, but it is not necessary. It is more important that you rest.”

For the Ratanan, I thought, and straightened up a little. “I’m all right,” I told him. “What did you want done at the meeting?”

“Will you never learn to obey my word?” he asked with fists on hips. “You were told to seek your furs, and you had best do so lest I seek my switch! Go you now!”

His thoughts were as hard as his tone of voice, so I went into the room without further comment. He stood and waited again until I was between the furs, then be came and tucked them closer before going out and closing the door behind him.

I lay very still after the door had closed, because his action with the furs had triggered a half memory. I remembered someone tucking me in before, and I was sure it had been he. He’d said something that other time, and it took a few minutes before I had the words back, then I was shocked.

“Wenda sed Prime,” he’d said: “Ti l’lenda queren?”

“A woman who is called Prime. How may a warrior contend with such?”

I couldn’t believe it, but it had to be true! There had been such a strong feeling of longing to go with the words that I was surprised I could have forgotten it. He wanted me, but felt that I was beyond him, out of his reach. And thinking that he was too good for me, I’d taunted him and called him—barbarian. His patience with me, his protection of me, the times he’d apologized—never once had I apologized to him, yet I had called him barbarian!

I searched for his calm control, wanting to go to him, but found his familiar pattern among many others. I lay back in the furs, remembering the meeting and cursing it soundly. Why did he have to be among so many men just at that time? It wasn’t fair, but very few things are fair. I’d just have to wait until he got back.

The furs were very soft and comfortable. I waited for him to come back until my eyes closed of their own accord.