The Warrior Within

16

The trip was the dream of a nightmare. When we camped, I didn’t care where we were and I spoke to no one. I ate what was given me, and if nothing was given I didn’t miss it. In the beginning, Loddar tried to get me to cook the game that they caught, then he gave up. Kennan would stare at me worriedly and draw Loddar aside to speak to him, then they would both stare at me, shake their heads, and go away. It made no difference at all to the way I felt.

I kept asking myself how I could have been so wrong, how I could have made such an enormous mistake. He cared for me and he’d said so—but he’d also sent me away. He had called me hama—but hama translated as “sweetheart” as well as “beloved.” It had been no more than wishful thinking on my part that I was his beloved, no more than my own blinding need for him that had convinced me that he wanted me, too. He cared for me, yes—but he didn’t love me.

I sat on the bare ground outside the camtah that was mine, seeing nothing but my lap and the motionless hands that lay in it. He’d had so many women in his bands—everyone said so—but he’d tired of all of them, and had given them away. In all honesty it was hard understanding how he wouldn’t tire of any single woman. With the variety he was constantly offered as denday, there was no need for him to look for one woman of his own. What in the world had made me think that I could do any more for him than the others had?

He had been attracted to me, he had cared for me, he had enjoyed having a Prime in his furs—but now it was over. He had other things to concern himself with, things of greater importance than an offworlder wenda. I didn’t know the details of his plans, but I had no doubt that he was planning something he’d discussed with no one, something that neither the Amalgamation nor his own people had a hint about. He would unveil it at just the right moment, and it would be as successful as everything else he did. Everything else.

I lay alone in my furs, night after night, my hand on the only place any part of him remained with me. I had been honored with the child of a denday, when what I’d wanted was the denday himself. But he was l’lenda, and he’d made his choice, and I was too proud to crawl back on my knees to argue his choice. Not that it would have done any good—arguing with him had never done any good. His choice was made, and it was final.

Eventually the road went around the small village I remembered, and I knew we were almost to the embassy. I thought about how much I’d wanted to get back to the embassy, and I could have laughed. I was finally getting my wish.

We pulled up at the small back door of the embassy, and Loddar and Kennan dismounted, taking me with them. Loddar pounded on the door until it opened, then stepped aside. Denny stood there and gaped at me, then looked questioningly at Loddar.

“The denday Tammad sends his greetings and his wenda,” Loddar said to him. “May your road be an easy one.”

He and Kennan turned and left then, riding away with the other l’lendaa. Denny put his arm around me, drew me inside, and closed the door.

“Terry what’s happened?” he demanded. “Where’s Tammad?”

“He’s with his people.” I answered tonelessly “making final arrangements for the complex.”

“Then you did it!” He grinned, hugging me. “Come on, let’s pass on the good word.”

He took my hand and drew me after him, but not upramp. We went to the embassy’s spacious visitors’ room instead, which held five men. The men turned to us as we entered, and Denny laughed.

“Gentlemen, it was a success,” he announced. “The complex will be allowed, and I think we owe a toast to our Prime for another excellent job.”

The men murmured happy agreement, and Denny moved toward the autobar that the room held, but my attention was caught by a motionless figure, my eyes meeting those of Murdock McKenzie. He was really there, right in the room, and he was staring at me.

“And what of Tammad, Terrillian?” he asked quietly “Hasn’t he come back with you?”

I shook my head from side to side, seeing Murdock McKenzie for the first time when I was awakened. His face was sourly emotionless and professionally calm, but his mind cared for me, worried about me, ached for me. He saw my pain as Denny hadn’t, and he cried for my hurt.

“He doesn’t want me, Father,” I choked out. “I love him so, but he doesn’t want me.”

Murdock McKenzie’s arm lifted and I ran to him, huddling against his twisted body, sobbing out the unbearable agony I was filled with. He didn’t want me, and my life would be forever grey.

When I had no strength left to cry with, Denny helped me upramp to a room. He was silent as we walked, but his mind was grim with the hurt of disappointment. He put warm water in the bathroom’s tub, then stopped short on his way to the door. He came back to stare at the bands I still wore, and I realized I’d forgotten all about them.

“Well, that’s one thing you won’t need anymore,” he growled, reaching out to my wrist. His muscles bunched, and he had to strain, but the bands opened one after the other. When all five of them lay on the floor he left, but I stared at the heap of chain with the most desperate longing imaginable. By the time I got to the bath, the water was cold.

I slept for a long time, and when I woke I dressed in my own clothes and went downramp. Denny and Murdock and the others were in the embassy dining room, occupying only a small section of the formal dining table. I’d always had difficulty accepting the fact that diplomats were used to feeding their temporary guests and visitors, but right then it seemed the most natural thing in the world. Everyone’s head turned toward me as I entered, and Denny rose quickly to come to me.

“Terry how are you feeling?” he asked gently his face and thoughts concerned. “Come and have something to eat.”

“I’m all right, Denny” I answered, patting his arm. “The world hasn’t really come to an end, and it’s about time I got used to the idea.”

“Terrillian, come sit with me,” Murdock called, and I could feel his tender concern. I went to the table and took the chair next to his, and he stared into my eyes. “Terrillian, tell me about what went on between you and Tammad. I’d like to have the complete story.”

I shrugged a little and told him everything, every stupid, foolish thing I had done since I reached Rimilia. I didn’t tell him about being pregnant, as that was something I had to reassess myself before I would discuss it with anyone else. When he had it all, I finished up with, “I suppose I have no one but myself to blame. I am useless in his world, and I mistook gratitude and respect for my professional ability for love and desire for me personally. He’s a very special man, Murdock, and he deserves the best.”

“As do you, my dear Terrillian,” he answered in his stiff, sharp way “You don’t seem the same as you were, and the change enhances you. There is quite a lot I can do for you on Central now, and I will be pleased to see to it. Rathmore will be very grateful.”

“There’s no need for that.” I said, feeling his desire to protect me. “It was just another job, and I did it. My hazard insurance will cover everything else.”

“Hazards of that sort are never covered by insurance,” he came back dryly. “Allow me to see to the matter.”

He went back to eating and I turned to my own food, glad that Murdock was there. I rarely feel the need to be protected, but there are times when strong protection is the only thing that will let you rest. I was very tired, and I needed rest badly.

After the meal was over, we returned to the visitor’s room. I hadn’t enjoyed the food, and I was still trying to understand why. Stasis will keep food fresh forever, but every dish had somehow tasted flat and stale, as if it had been in stasis forever. I accepted the glass of wine Denny poured for me, and sat down to listen to the conversation of one of the Diplomacy Bureau people Murdock had brought with him. The man found me attractive, but he’d said nothing about it yet. Since the bruises were completely gone from my face, I wondered why he didn’t say something, then briefly closed my eyes. It would be a long trip crossing back to my own world.

It didn’t take long before I was ready to return to my room. I wasn’t sleepy, but the diplomat had finally gotten around to discussing—not very diplomatically—the sex practices of the Rimilian people. He had asked with a snicker if it was true that they exchanged women all the time. When I told him that women were exchanged only under special circumstances, he laughed aloud and commented that that was as good an excuse as any other, then asked me if I was in the mood to be exchanged. I stood up without saying anything, and went to pour myself another glass of wine.

As soon as transportation was available, I would be on my way back to Central, back to a life I wasn’t sure I could live any longer. I saw everyone differently now, and it would be no surprise to find that I no longer fit in. If that turned out to be the case, I would leave Central again, to find somewhere else to live. I had no idea where, but decided that it didn’t really matter. I’d make a new beginning on a new planet, and try to forget something that would never let itself be forgotten. One day I might find myself able to accept it instead, and then I’d know that I was home.