When I Surrender

Chapter Eleven McKenna

Blinking open heavy eyelids, I struggled to make sense of my surroundings. I didn’t remember where I was, what day it was, or even my own name. I felt like I had been drugged. I stretched and turned my head and saw Knox’s sleeping form lying next to me. Memories of last night came rushing back with vivid clarity. Knox’s hot mouth on my most sensitive parts, his fingers pumping into me…I shuddered at the memory.

I’d opened up and told Knox my feelings on taking our physical relationship to the next level, and while we hadn’t had sex, it felt like we’d grown closer. I was happy, if not a little dazed by the whole experience.

A quick check of the clock told me it was still early, just after sunrise, and I rolled closer to Knox, snuggling in beside him.

Draping a heavy arm over me, he pulled me tightly against him. “You okay, angel?” His sleep-laced voice was deep and husky.

“I’m fine,” I whispered, breathing in the masculine scent of his chest.

“I’m sorry about last night.”

I rolled onto my side and looked up at him. “Sorry about what?” From my perspective, I should be the one apologizing. He’d pleasured me until I all but passed out from exhaustion and I hadn’t taken care of him at all. A fact I felt a little guilty about.

“Are you sore?” he asked, his eyes like warm molten honey on mine.

I shook my head. At least I didn’t think so.

“I was too rough with you,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

Memories of him biting me – my nipples and my clit – rushed back in full force. The press of his fingers roughly pushing into me. Knox thought I’d be upset, but I was relieved to see he hadn’t treated me like a china doll. He’d lost himself in me, which was exactly what I wanted, considering I felt so out of control around him, too. Pressing my palm against his cheek, I returned his kiss. “You bit me,” I said, fighting a smile.

“I know.”

“You said you weren’t into pain.”

“Did it hurt?” The warmth and sincerity in his eyes nearly stole my voice. He was so beautiful, this confusing, troubled man.

“Well, no. Not really.”

“I just wanted you to understand that you were mine.”

“Oh.” My heart galloped. I was his. Body and soul. And falling deeper every day.

“Was last night okay, then?”

I nodded, my head bobbing up and down while he studied me. “I liked it.” Liking it was an understatement, but the furrow creasing his brow told me not to press the issue.

“Are you sure you’re alright with this?”

I knew he was asking more than his words conveyed. He was asking if I was okay with his nature – his dominant, take charge attitude in the bedroom. The truth was, I was more than okay with it. With Knox I felt like a woman. I liked him making the decisions and pushing me in ways I never dreamed. He was opening me up to new experiences, just like I was doing for him. “Last night was perfect. I’m just sorry I fell asleep on you.”

He smiled, the playful gleam I loved returning to his eyes. “Passed out was more like it.”

I gave him a shove, but his body was a solid wall of immovable muscle. What he’d said was true, though, I’d all but collapsed from exhaustion after the three powerful climaxes he’d given me. If this was what a sexual relationship with him was going to be like, I would be one happy girl.

“I gotta get the guys up and ready for school.” Knox kissed my lips and then climbed from the bed, treating me to a view of his firm backside as he moved across the room and began to dress.

I lazily stretched and then joined him, forcing my languid and relaxed body into yesterday’s clothes before venturing downstairs.

I found the boys were already up and moving about.

“Dude, don’t sit so close to the TV, Tuck,” Jaxon said, nudging Tucker’s shoulder. “You’re gonna get a tan from that thing.”

I chuckled as I watched them. The glow of the television was casting a bluish hue over Tucker’s little face, but he obeyed, scooting backwards on his butt. Knox might have been worried about the second oldest Bauer boy, but I could see that in his heart, Jax was one of the good guys. Or maybe I just had entirely too much faith. I’d always believed the same thing about Knox, too. Yet I couldn’t help the inexplicable feeling that everything good was about to come crashing down around me in a messy heap.

“What are these?” I asked, sniffing a huge arrangement of pink carnations on my dining room table.

Brian appeared in the doorway after changing out of his suit and tie and into jeans. He’d arrived home from work just a few minutes after me.

I picked through the pink blossoms, hunting for a card. There wasn’t one and somehow I couldn’t really imagine Knox sending me pink carnations. Maybe blood red roses, but not these. And when would he have had the time? I’d just left his house this morning and I knew he’d worked all day, too.

Brian watched me curiously. “They’re from me.”

“Oh. What’s the occasion?” I couldn’t recall Brian ever giving me flowers…except the bouquet he’d had sent to the funeral home at my parents’ wake. But those had been white daylilies. For a totally different reason.

“No occasion. I just wanted to….” He stopped himself and exhaled heavily. “Come sit down with me.”

“Okay.” He was acting strange. I wondered if he’d caught the flu that was going around.

We sat side by side on the sofa, the TV playing softly in the background.

“I just wanted to apologize for everything lately. My behavior toward you, and fighting with Knox.” He lifted my hand from my lap and held it. “I know you’ve been through a lot and I just want you to know I’ll always be here for you. I’ll be whatever you need, okay?”

“Okay. That’s sweet of you, Bri.”

Neither of us could deny that something had changed between us since Knox had come into the picture. I remembered Knox’s request that I tell Brian about us, but somehow I knew the moment wasn’t right. He was trying to apologize, to make amends. He’d gotten me flowers, which was sweet, but not necessary. Giving a girl carnations wasn’t a romantic gesture, was it? Pushing all that from my mind, I thanked him for the flowers and headed into the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”

“Starved,” he confirmed.

We were like two ravenous lions come dinner time. We’d been that way since we were kids. Searching through the cabinets, we settled on grilled cheese sandwiches. We worked together in the kitchen, him grilling the sandwiches and me slicing some tomatoes that were about to go bad. It’d been a while since we’d enjoyed each other’s company like this and I was happy to see the previous tension between us was all but gone.

Over gooey, cheesy sandwiches, Brian shoved an envelope at me. “This came for you today.”

The return address was a law firm in Indiana.

My stomach dropped.

I didn’t want to open it, knowing it was somehow related to my parents’ accident. But the letter taunted me, capturing all of my attention.

Brian’s sheepish look apologized for something over which he had no control. I wondered if this was the real reason for the flowers. He knew this would upset me – take me right back to that dark place I was in four years ago. Running to Chicago hadn’t been enough. My past would follow me anywhere.

“Are you going to open it?” he asked, pulling my thoughts back to the present. I looked down at my plate. I’d picked apart my sandwich into little bits. So much for my appetite. “What do you think it is?”

“Not sure,” I said, finding my voice. “Probably something to do with their will.”

He nodded and pushed away his own plate. It must be sympathy pains or something since I knew we were both hungry when we’d sat down.

I’d yet to settle all my parents’ legal affairs, since dealing with it bought up too many painful memories. I’d done the bare minimum, the funeral was planned, and with the help of Brian’s mom and a local realtor, I’d sold the house I grew up in. The movers had packed everything and it was all still sitting in a storage unit in my hometown. All the rest, pension plan, retirement accounts, and insurance policies remained on the back burner, untouched. Dealing with it all would be too final, and I just wasn’t ready to go there. I especially didn’t like this envelope with its shiny gold embossment on my dining table looking up at me, reminding me. It felt like two sides of my life were intersecting. It was childish, but maybe if I just refused to open the envelope, I could pretend that none of this was happening.

For all my running, all my volunteer work to make things better in this world, I still had to face that there was a bitter force driving me. It scared me to realize that maybe running into Knox’s arms had nothing to do with love. It was about me throwing myself into something even messier and uglier than my own past. It was simply another place to hide.

“You’re not going to open it, are you?” Brian asked, pulling me from my somber thoughts.

He knew me all too well. “Wasn’t planning on it, no.” I pushed the offending paper away, knowing it was pointless. I’d likely find it on my dresser later.

“Can I ask you something?” He glanced down at his plate, picking at the remnants of his sandwich.

“Sure.”

“Have you and Knox….” His forehead creased. “Are you still….”

“Brian, that’s none of your business.”

“You are,” he said, his voice certain.

I wanted to yell at him for interfering and telling Knox I was a virgin in the first place, but faced with the awkwardness of the conversation, I chickened out. Closing my eyes, I drew a deep breath.

“Wow. I’m surprised. Even after all those nights you’ve spent there?”

I released my breath in a huff. “I know you have a hard time believing this, but Knox really is a good guy. He would never do something I wasn’t ready for. And he’s been in recovery, so sex really wasn’t on the table for either of us.”

“But it is now?” His eyebrow quirked up. “And you’re right, I do have a hard time believing that.”

A heavy silence fell over us and I considered ripping open the envelope just for something to distract me from this awful moment.

Brian leaned closer, planting his elbows on the table. “So if you haven’t fully given yourself to him, does that mean….” He hesitated, drawing a deep breath. “Do you think there’d ever be a chance for us?”

I wanted to set him straight, tell him once and for all it was never going to happen between us, but sitting there, looking into his bright blue eyes, something in me couldn’t crush him. He’d done too much for me. Still, I didn’t want to leave him with false hope. That wasn’t fair to him. “Brian, I’m dating Knox. You should date other people, too.” It was my subtle way of telling him he needed to stop pining for me.

“Your dad, your parents, they would have wanted you with me. You know that, right?” he asked. I swallowed a bitter lump in my throat. “They joked we’d get married someday from the time we were six years old, McKenna.”

Fighting back tears, I excused myself to my bedroom while Brian called out my name. Bringing my parents into this wasn’t fair. He knew my life’s mission was to try and honor them in all things. My chosen career field, how I spent my time, but I’d never factored in who I dated. Realizing Brian was right sucked. My parents had adored him.

I fell back heavily onto my mattress with a thud. Today had been too much. I couldn’t deal with the mystery envelope regarding my parents and Brian’s declaration that I was dishonoring them by choosing the wrong man.

Part of me knew I couldn’t hide in my bed forever, but most of me wanted to try.