When I Surrender

Chapter Twelve McKenna

The next several days passed in a blur. Between working, volunteering, and helping Amanda get around – everything from taking her to doctor’s appointments to shopping for maternity clothes to buying prenatal vitamins, I’d barely had time to see Knox. And our alone time together had all but disappeared.

But tonight that was going to change, because Jaxon and Luke were taking Tucker out to dinner and then to their high school’s basketball game, meaning Knox and I would have the house to ourselves for a couple of hours. It was exactly what I’d needed after a trying week.

I found Knox alone upstairs in his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed with his sketchbook open in his lap, looking deep in thought.

“Hi,” I greeted him.

“Hey.” He closed the book and crossed the room, drawing me into his arms. “Everything okay? You look exhausted.”

Leave it to Knox to immediately pick up on how drained and crummy I felt. “I’m fine. It was just a long week.”

“Yeah? And how many hours did you work this week?”

I quickly did the math in my head. “Mmm, somewhere around seventy, I’d guess.”

“McKenna,” he groaned, holding my shoulders and positioning me so he could meet my eyes. The dark circles lining them wouldn’t help my case. But Knox couldn’t understand how one simple letter from a lawyer back home could send me into a tailspin. It had been easier to work and volunteer than to sit at home with the constant reminder staring me in the face.

Knox pulled me over to the small sofa on the far end of his bedroom and we sat down. He looked at me intently. “What?” I asked finally.

“Just like you help me, I want to help you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve got to stop running.”

“What makes you think that’s what I’m doing?”

“You work seventy hours a week volunteering, you don’t do anything for yourself. When’s the last time you did something normal girls your age enjoy? Like go shopping or get your nails done?”

I stiffened at his implication that I wasn’t a normal girl. “How’s that fair? When’s the last time you did something a normal twenty-two year old guy would do?”

He smirked. “Not the same thing, angel. I have custody of three boys. Don’t bring my shit into this. We’re talking about you.”

“I happen to like volunteering, and I like being here with you guys. I have no desire to go out and party it up like a twenty-one year old.”

“But someday you might. And you might regret not doing all the things young people are supposed to do.”

Was he speaking from experience? He’d certainly missed out on enough being responsible for his brothers. Though his sexploits more than made up for that deficit. “I’m not going to regret anything.” I already lived with enough regret over my choices that fateful day I’d lost my parents. There wasn’t room for more in my world. “Serving others is the only thing that keeps me sane. The only thing that makes me feel okay with being me,” I whispered.

“I get that.”

“Then don’t ask me to change.”

“I want you to find balance – that’s all.” Knox wrapped one hand around my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. His touch was all that was needed to reassure me. He wasn’t trying to force me to change or make me feel guilty about my choices.

“I want that, too,” I admitted.

“One step at a time. Right, angel?”

I grinned up at him wryly. It was the same thing I’d said to him once about his addiction. “Right.” I was suddenly feeling like the patient rather than the counselor. This was new.

“There’s something that scares me, McKenna.” Knox ran a hand through his wayward hair, meeting my eyes with a worried stare. “One day you’re going to forgive yourself and let go of all this hurt you carry around. You’re going to wake up and realize I’m all wrong for you.”

Knox was the only one to call me out on my obsessive tendencies. I avoided my life. I avoided dealing with my emotions and grief. Not even Brian was brave enough to tell me the truth. I appreciated his honesty, but he was wrong. I’d always want him. He made me feel alive and secure. Like maybe I could finally stop running from my past.

“And when all that happens, you’re going to want someone nice and normal,” he continued.

“Let me guess, someone like Brian?”

“The thought has crossed my mind, yes. He’s in love with you, McKenna.”

The crushing weight of the knowledge that he was right hit me square in the chest. Knox was looking at me like he could see straight through me. I could not have felt more exposed if I’d been sitting there completely naked. How did he not only understand me so well, but also get my complicated relationship with Brian? Feeling vulnerable and needy, I curled into his side, needing his warmth, his protection from the muddled mess my life had become. Knox pulled me closer, lifting my mouth to his while my pulsed thrummed violently in the base of my throat.

I didn’t try and explain away my feelings, I didn’t even tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere, but I did decide then and there it was time to show him how deeply my feelings for him ran.