When I Surrender

Chapter Eight McKenna

Monday morning I was finally well enough to get out of bed. I showered and changed into fresh clothes and then ventured out into the living room. Brian sat on the couch with his back toward me, essentially ignoring me. He was dressed and ready for work, but sat motionless with a mug of coffee. I grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat down next to him, wondering what I’d done wrong this time.

“You feeling better?” he asked, his eyes still glued to the commercial playing on the TV.

“Yeah. Sorry, the last few days are a complete blur.” I opened the can of soda and took a small sip, the sugar and fizz tasting delicious after having nothing in the belly for so long.

“We were supposed to hang out this weekend.”

So that’s what this was about. Brian was giving me the cold shoulder because I’d had to cancel our plans. Did he really think I purposefully chose being chained to the toilet over hanging out with him? “Brian, I got sick.”

“You spent all week working hard and then taking care of him.” He shot me an exasperated look. “What did you expect to happen?”

I shrugged. When he put it like that, I couldn’t argue. His anger was misplaced, but I supposed I had exposed myself to the flu.

“It’s fine.” He turned to fully face me. “It helps me see where I fall on your list of priorities. Dead fucking last.”

Seeing how let down he really was made my heart ache for him. Brian always put me first – always. And he was right. He often ranked last on my to do list. Mainly because I knew he would always be there. My job and my volunteer work came first and Knox and his family were a close second. They were the only things that made me feel whole. Yet sitting here, facing him and looking into his sad blue eyes, I felt guilty. Not because I’d gotten sick and missed our weekend plans, but because I’d never feel the way about him that he did for me.

He’d changed his whole life for me. He moved away from his family and friends, he worked long hours at a tough Chicago accounting firm rather than the simple small town firm he probably would’ve ended up at had he stayed in Indiana. All because of me. And weighing on me most of all was the fact he didn’t date. Like he was waiting for me to see him in a different light – waiting for me to be ready. I just wanted him to move on with his life so I could, too.

Knowing he didn’t support my relationship with Knox was hard. Brian had always been there to cheer me on through everything in life. He celebrated my small victories and praised my every accomplishment. This chance at something real felt like the biggest thing that had ever happened to me, and Brian didn’t support it.

I took my soda back to my bedroom, feeling the need to withdraw into myself once again.

Sitting on my bed, I decided to call Belinda, feeling guilty for missing the last two Saturday group sessions – one because of the retreat, and this weekend’s because I was sick.

Belinda disregarded my apology completely. “Things come up, McKenna. And you were under the weather. No need to apologize.”

“Well, I’ll definitely be there next Saturday and please let me know if there’s anything I can do in the meantime.”

“Perhaps there is something you could do. Amanda reached out to me on Friday….”

She explained that Amanda had yet to have any prenatal care and didn’t have a vehicle to take herself to the doctor.

“Well, I’d be happy to take her, but I don’t have a car, either.”

“Hmm. That is a problem.”

“You know what? It’s not a problem. I can either borrow my roommate’s car or take the bus with her. Maybe just having someone reach out and offer to help will be enough. That way she doesn’t have to navigate going to the doctor alone.”

“I think that would help a lot. Very thoughtful of you, McKenna. Thank you.”

“It’s not a problem.” It would give me something to do today, since I wasn’t due to work at the teen shelter today. Though there was no way I would ask to borrow Brian’s car. Not to mention he needed it to get to work. Hopefully Amanda would be okay with taking the bus.

Belinda took care of the details – contacting Amanda and arranging a time for us to meet up at her apartment. I got myself showered and dressed for the day and headed out to wait for the bus.

Amanda lived in a rundown apartment that she shared with three other girls. It didn’t look like anyplace to raise a baby, but we’d hurdle one obstacle at a time. The first step was getting her well and making sure her baby was healthy.

“Thanks for doing this today.” Amanda smiled at me as she buttoned her coat.

“It’s really no problem. I didn’t have anything going on today anyway.”

She paused at the door, hesitating. “Was everything okay…the last group meeting you ran out of there pretty abruptly, and then haven’t been back….”

I smiled at her reassuringly. “Everything’s fine. It was just a slight misunderstanding….” I left it at that. I had to protect what Knox and I had.

“Fair enough.” She nodded, clearly not one to pry.

Amanda, having moved here from southern Illinois, wasn’t familiar with the city bus system. So while we rode, I showed her how to read the bus map and explained what the letters and numbers meant so she could learn to navigate the routes. To get to the free clinic downtown from where she lived, it required us to change bus lines twice, and I knew if she could master this, she could get herself anywhere.

“How have you been feeling?” I asked as we watched the traffic pass. Stealing another glance, I noticed her belly now protruded in a nice round bump.

“Actually, I’ve been having some morning sickness. But other than that, fine, I guess.”

We rode the rest of the way in silence. I found myself at a loss for what to talk with her about. I knew about her issues with love and sex addiction from Belinda, but since she didn’t seem to be in a talkative mood, I wasn’t going to press her. She likely had a lot on her mind – with a baby growing inside her, no job, no car, and little support.

When we arrived at the clinic, we signed in and sat down in the waiting room. There were several other girls with pregnant bellies waiting in the chairs around us and a few who were most likely here for testing or birth control. Amanda flipped absently through a parenting magazine, not seeming to absorb a single word for how quickly she was turning the pages.

“There’s something I feel kind of weird about and I should probably just tell you,” she blurted after several minutes.

“What is it?”

“I, um, came onto Knox.”

My eyes widened. “What? When?” I fought to control my voice. I couldn’t go sounding like a jealous girlfriend right now. As hard as it was, I needed to be objective and professional. Amanda was opening up to me as part of her own treatment.

“In a moment of weakness…it was stupid, I know. He’d given me his phone number and I knew I supposed to use it to call him about recovery and kid-related questions, but one night I was sitting around feeling lonely and sorry for myself and I called him up and asked if he wanted to hang out and have a little grown up fun.”

I nearly choked getting my next words out. “And did he?” If he’d lied to me about hooking up Amanda, so help me God, I’d lose it. I wasn’t a violent person, but the wrath I’d rain down on him would rival the apocalypse.

She chewed on her lip. “No, he said he was trying to be done with random hookups and made it sound there was someone special in his life.”

Wow. I knew I should respond, but I was rendered speechless.

“You’re not mad, are you?”

It took me almost a full minute to realize she wasn’t asking because she knew that Knox were sort of together, she was asking because she was supposed to be in recovery. My twisted emotions were going to blow this whole thing if I wasn’t careful. “No, I’m not mad. I won’t ever be mad for you opening up and sharing with me.” I took her hand. “I’m actually proud of you, Amanda. You’re growing. You might have slipped up a little, but you recognized that your actions were wrong.” Her confession to me proved that. I released her hand and a smile blossomed across her mouth.

Amanda turned back to her magazine and tore out a coupon for baby formula, stuffing it into her purse. I decided then and there that I liked her. I was glad Belinda had asked me to help. Amanda was actually a sweet girl underneath her layers of hurt and despair. She was burdened by dark secrets just like me. I felt a sort of familiarity being with her, waiting here with her just so that she could have some company and not feel quite so alone.

As I looked around the waiting room, I couldn’t help but notice the numerous posters plastered on the walls about birth control options. I’d never had to think about things like birth control, but as I sat there, my mind wandered to Knox, and I found myself thinking about birth control pills and condoms. I didn’t know if or when anything might happen between us, or when Knox would be ready to take our physical relationship further, but I made a mental note to call and schedule an appointment with my gynecologist soon. Nerves danced in my belly at the thought of being intimate with him, but I knew I wanted him to be my first. Cold dread shivered down my spine. God, what would Belinda say? I shuddered at the thought. I was planning to have sex with one of our group members. Nothing about this situation was normal, but I didn’t care because it felt right. And I was tired of being too careful, barely living these last few years. I wanted to be with Knox. Plain and simple. And I thought he wanted to be with me, too, as resistant as he’d been about taking our relationship further. We were making real progress and I wouldn’t stop things now. And I’d need to make sure we were prepared so I didn’t find myself in a situation like Amanda, with an unplanned pregnancy. Knox had enough mouths to feed. I wouldn’t add a baby to mix.

I hadn’t expected to go into the exam room with her, but when the nurse called her name, Amanda looked at me expectantly and waited for me to rise from my seat and join her. I could read the indecision in her eyes. She didn’t want to be alone, and I couldn’t blame her.

I held her hand while they performed an ultrasound and tears leaked from the corners of her eyes as she seen the tiny image of a baby inside her for the first time. The steady thump of the baby’s heart was sure and strong.

The nurse estimated the baby to almost five months along, based on her measurements, which surprised Amanda. Her own calculations had been off. She was due in the spring.

“There’s only one in there, right?” she asked the nurse, her voice high and almost panicked.

The nurse and I both smiled. “Yes, there’s just one baby. And he or she looks to be growing just fine. Did you want to know the sex?”

“Yes, please,” Amanda said.

“You’re having a girl.”

I held her hand while she cried, her eyes fixed on the screen. It seemed Amanda wouldn’t be alone any longer.

Helpful deed done for the day, I dropped Amanda off at home and texted Knox as I sat on the bus alone. Being around someone even more alone and lonely than myself all day had inspired a visit. I missed him.