Wings

12

Exactly two weeks after Nick's visit to LA, Germany invaded Poland, and the world was aghast at the destruction Hitler wrought there. And two days after that, on September third, Britain and France declared war on Germany. It had happened at last; there was war in Europe.

Cassie called home to the airport when she heard, but Nick was out, and her father was taking some passengers to Cleveland. She had lunch with Desmond that day, and he had spoken to the President only that morning. There was no question, the United States was planning to stay out of the war in Europe. And it was a relief to hear that.

She told him she wanted to go home anyway, and Desmond lent her one of his personal planes for the weekend. She had been planning to go home for a weekend since July, and she never had any free time. Sc this was the perfect opportunity, and no one objected.

She landed at her father's airport late Friday night. She had left L.A. at noon, and got to Good Hope at eight-thirty local time. There was no one there, but it was still light as she came in on the long east-west runway, and taxied to a slow stop. She tied down her plane, and walked to the old truck she knew her father kept there. She hadn't told anyone she was coming. She wanted to surprise them. And she did. She slipped into the house after nine o'clock that night. Her parents were already in bed, and her mother almost fainted when she walked out of her room in her nightgown the next morning.

“Oh, my God!” her mother screamed, “Pat!” He came running out of their room and grinned when he saw her.

“Hi, Ma… Hi, Dad… I thought I'd drop in and say hi.” She beamed at them.

“You're a sly one.” Her father hugged her with a broad smile, and her mother cooed and clucked, made her an enormous breakfast, and woke Chris, who was pleased to see her.

“What's it like being a movie star?” her father teased. He still wasn't completely sure he approved of it, but everyone in town seemed to think it was great stuff, and it was hard to ignore that.

“Nick said you live in a palace,” her mother said, as she looked Cassie over carefully. She looked healthy and well, and other than a good haircut and beautifully manicured red nails, she didn't look any different.

“It's a pretty nice place,” Cassie conceded with a grin. “I'm glad to hear he liked it.”

They sat around talking about her life in Los Angeles for a while, and finally she got dressed and rode with her father to the airport. She was happy to see all her old friends, and Billy gave a huge whoop of glee as soon as he saw her. She put on a pair of old overalls, and walked out to work on one of the planes with him, and half an hour later she heard Nick's old truck drive in. And she looked up and grinned. But he didn't come out to the hangar to see her until lunchtime. She figured he was busy, and she'd see him in a while, but she was happy just knowing that she was near him.

“You guys sure start work late around here,” she teased when she first saw him. “I'm at fourteen thousand by four A.M. every morning.”

“Yeah? How come,” he grinned, obviously elated to see her, “you meet your hairdresser up there?” His eyes danced, and his heart was pounding as he looked at her. His feelings for her were beginning to worry him. Maybe it was just as well she was living in California. Lately, it was getting harder and harder to control what he felt about her.

“Very funny.”

“I hear the Movietone guys will be here at three”- he grinned at Billy and two of the other men-” better get clean clothes on.”

“That'll be a nice change for you, Stick,” she shot back at him, and he leaned against the plane she'd been working on with Billy, and gave her an appraising look. She looked better than ever.

“Did you bring your chaperone with you?” he teased.

“I figured I could handle you myself.”

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly, “you probably could. Want to go have something to eat?” He invited her in an undertone, which was unusual. It was rare for him to take her anywhere. Usually, they just hung out together at the airport.

“Sure.” She followed him to his truck, and he drove her to Paoli's dairy. They had a lunchroom in the rear, and they made good sandwiches and homemade ice cream.

“Hope this'll do. It's not exactly the Brown Derby.”

“I'll manage.” She was just so happy being with him, she'd have gone anywhere and loved it.

He ordered roast beef sandwiches for them both, and a chocolate milk shake for her. All he wanted to drink was black coffee.

“It's not my birthday, you know,” she reminded him. She was still impressed that he had taken her out to lunch. She couldn't even remember the last time he'd done that. If ever.

“I figure you're so spoiled now, eating beef jerky in the back hangar wouldn't do it.” He shrugged, but he looked desperately happy to see her. They were halfway through lunch, and she noticed he wasn't eating much, when she realized there was more to it than just taking her out to eat. He looked uncomfortable suddenly and a little worried.

“What's up, Stick? You rob a bank?”

“Not yet. But I'm working on it.” But the jokes ended there. He looked into her eyes and the moment she looked at him, she knew. And she said the words even before he did.

“You're going?” The words caught in her throat, and her milk shake soured instantly in her stomach when he nodded. “Oh, Nick… no… but you don't have to. We're not in it.”

“We will be eventually, whatever they say. And I'll bet Williams knows it too. He's probably counting on it. He'll sell a lot of airplanes. I don't believe all this stuff about the U.S. staying out of it. And it doesn't matter if we do. They need help over there. I'm going to England to join the RAF. I made some inquiries, and they need all the guys they can get. I've got what they need, and no one really needs me here. They don't need a genius to fly mail runs to Cincinnati.”

“But they don't need you to get shot down in a war that's not yours.” Tears filled her eyes as she said it “Does Dad know?”

He nodded. He hated telling her. But he had wanted to tell her himself. He had told Pat that the minute he knew she was home, and Pat had agreed to let him tell her. “I told him yesterday. He said he knew anyway.” And then he looked at her strangely. “I'll be back, Cass. I've got a lot of years left to do this kind of thing. And who knows? Maybe I'll grow up this time. There's a lot of things I never did with my life after the last one.”

“You can do them here, you don't have to risk your life in order to change what you don't like in your life here.”

“I don't like how lazy I've been, how easy I've made it on myself. I just cruised for the last twenty years, because it was easy. It went by so fast I forgot where I was. Now I'm here, I'm halfway through, or thereabouts, and I've wasted a lot of time. I'm not going to do that next time.” She wasn't sure what he meant, but it was obvious he had regrets about things he hadn't done, relationships he hadn't bothered with. He always thought he had time. And he did. But in some ways he had lacked courage. He had never wanted to get married again, or to care too much about anyone, or get too involved, or have kids of his own. He never wanted to risk anything on the ground. He didn't want to lose. But he didn't mind dying. It was an odd kind of cowardice peculiar to most of them; they were brave in the air, but on land they were terrible cowards.

“Don't go…” she whispered over the remains of their lunch. She didn't know what to say to stop him, but she wanted to more than anything. She didn't want to lose him.

“I have to.”

“No, you don't!” She raised her voice at him, and people turned around at other tables. “You don't have to do anything!”

“Neither did you,” he suddenly raged back, “but you've made choices with your life. I have a right to that too. I'm not going to sit here while they fight a war without me.” They took their battle outside and shouted at each other in the September sunshine.

“Are you so important then? You're the only flier who can do it right for them? For God's sake, Nick, grow up. Stay here… don't get yourself killed in a fight that's not yours, or even ours… Nick… please…” She was crying, and before he knew it, he was holding her and telling her how much he loved her. He had promised himself he never would, and now he couldn't stop himself any longer.

“Baby, don't… please… I love you so much… but I've got to do this… and when I come back, things'll be different. Maybe you'll be through playing Skygirl for Desmond Williams by then, and I'll have learned something I never figured out the first time. I want so much more than I have now… And, Cassie, I never figured out how to get it.”

“All you have to do is reach out and take it… that's all…” She was clinging to him, and he was holding her, and all she wanted suddenly was to go away somewhere with him and forget the war, but there was nowhere to run now.

“It's not as simple as all that,” he said slowly, looking down at her. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so much he didn't dare. And maybe he never would. He just didn't have the answers.

They walked back to his truck hand in hand, and when they got to the airport he drove to the hangar where they kept the Jenny. It was the plane he had taught her in, and she knew without a word where they were going. She got into the front seat, out of deference to him, since the instructor always sat in the rear seat, and a few minutes later they had done all their checks, and were taxiing down the runway. Her father saw them take off and he didn't say anything. He knew Nick must have told her he was going.

They reached the old airstrip, and Nick let her land, and they sat beneath their familiar tree. She laid her head against him, and they sat in the soft grass, looking up at the sky. It was hard to believe that there was a war somewhere, and Nick was really going.

“Why?” she said miserably after a while, the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks, and then her eyes met his and he thought his heart would break as he touched her face, and gently wiped her tears away with his fingers. “Why do you have to go?” After all this time, he had told her he loved her, and now he was leaving, maybe even forever.

“Because I believe in what I'm doing. I believe in free men, and honor, and a safe world, and all those things I'm going to defend in the skies over England.”

“You did that once. Let someone else do it this time, Nick. It's not your problem.”

“Yes, it is. And I've got nothing important to do here. Even though that's my own fault.”

“So you're going because you're bored.” There was always a little bit of that in all men, that and the spirit of the hunter. But there were good motives there too, and she knew that. She just thought it was foolish of him to go now, and she didn't want him to get hurt. But he swore he wouldn't.

“I'm too good to get hurt,” he said, teasing her.

“You fly like shit when you're tired,” she said, not entirely believing it, but he laughed.

“I'll be sure to get lots of sleep. What about you?” he said, frowning. “You're flying those damn heavy planes over the desert, don't think I don't know the chances you take testing them. Plenty of guys have gotten killed doing it, and they probably flew better than you do.” It reminded her of Nancy's husband when he said it and she nodded. She couldn't deny the dangers of her job, but she was good at what she did, and there were no Germans shooting at her over Las Vegas.

“I'm careful.”

“We all are. Sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you just have to be lucky.”

“Be lucky… please…” she whispered to him, and he looked at her for a long time, and then without a word, he did what he had wanted to for so long, and never dared. What he had never let himself do, and thought he never would. But now he knew he had to. He couldn't leave without letting her know how much he loved her. He leaned down ever so gently, and kissed her. And she kissed him back as she had kissed no man before him. There had been no man… only a boy… and now, Nick, the man she had loved since she was old enough to remember.

“I love you,” he whispered into her hair, breathlessly, wishing there could be more, but he knew there couldn't. “I always have… I always will… I want to give you so much, Cass… but I have nothing to give you…”

“How can you say that?” He broke her heart with his words. “I've been in love with you since I was five… I've always loved you. That's all we need. I don't want anything else.”

“You should have lots more than that… you should have a house and kids… you should have a lot of things, like all the things they've given you in California. But they should come from your husband.”

“My parents never had fancy things, but they didn't care. They had each other, and they built my father's business from a pile of dirt. I don't care if we start with nothing.”

“I couldn't let you do that, Cass. And your father would kill me. I'm eighteen years older than you are.”

“So what?” She was unimpressed, all she could think of now was the fact that he loved her. And she didn't want to lose him. Not after all they'd been through.

“I'm an old man,” he tried to object unconvincingly, “compared to you at least. You should marry someone your age and have a mob of kids like your parents.”

“I'd probably go crazy if I did. And I don't want a mob of kids. I never did. Just one or two kids would be fine.” With Nick, even the prospect of children wasn't as daunting as she had once thought it.

He smiled down at her tenderly as he listened to her, trying to talk him into something impossible. He was going to war, and she had a contract to fly planes in California. But he had to admit, he liked the sound of what she was saying. Maybe someday though he doubted it. He'd never be that lucky or that foolish. She deserved so much more than he could ever give her. “I'd love to give you kids, Cassie… I'd love to give you everything I have to give. But I'm never going to have anything but a bunch of old planes, and a shack at the end of your father's airport.”

“He'd give you half of everything, and you know it. You've earned it. You built the business with him. You know he's always wanted you to be his partner.”

“It's funny, I was so young when I started out that I never wanted to be more than a hired hand, and now I'm sorry. Maybe you're doing the right thing with that crazy job of yours, Cass. Make a bunch of money, save it up, and come back where you belong with something to show for it. I don't have zip, and I never cared… until you grew up, and I realized everything I didn't have to give you. That and the fact that I'm almost twice your age, and your father would probably kill me for this.”

“I doubt it,” Cassie said wisely. She was smarter than he was about her father. “I've always thought he wouldn't be surprised. I think he'd rather I was happy than married to the wrong man and miserable.”

“You should be married to a man like Desmond Williams,” he said unhappily and she laughed at him. He hated the thought of it, but Williams had so much to give her.

“And you should be married to the Queen of England. Don't be stupid, Nick. Who cares?” She smiled at him, but he was unconvinced.

“You'll care, when you're older. You're just a kid. You think your sisters are so happy being poor, or your mother?”

“My mother never complains about anything, and I think she is happy. And maybe if my sisters stopped having babies every year they wouldn't be quite as poor.” Cassie had always thought they had too many children. One or two seemed sensible to her. But Glynnis was expecting her sixth, and Colleen and Megan their fifth, respectively. To Cassie it had always seemed excessive and a little scary.

He kissed her again then, thinking of the babies he would have liked to have with her, and never would. He would never allow himself the self-indulgence or the selfishness of marrying Cassie. No matter how much he loved her, or maybe because he did. She deserved so much better.

“I love you, Nick Galvin. I'm not going to run away. Or let you run away from me. I'll come over and find you, if I have to.” And she would too. He knew it.

“Don't you dare. I'll have you kicked right out of England if I have to. And don't you dare let Williams talk you into some goddamn world tour. I just smell that's what he has in mind for later. Just like Earhart. But with the war in Europe now, you won't be safe anywhere, not in the Pacific, and not in Europe. Stay home, Cass. Promise me…” He looked desperately worried and she nodded.

“You too,” she said softly, and then kissed him, and he had to control himself as he felt her passion meeting his own. He lay on the ground next to her, holding her, wishing he could have her forever. “When are you going?” she finally asked him hoarsely, as he lay next to her and held her.

He hesitated for a long time and then he answered. “In four days.”

“Does Dad know?” She knew it would be hard on her father, and she was sorry now that she wouldn't be there to help him.

“He does. Billy said he'd take care of things. He's a good kid and a tremendous pilot. I think he just needed to get away from his father. Old flying aces sometimes make life difficult for their kids, but I guess you wouldn't know about that, would you?” She smiled, thinking of how impossible her father had been, but lately he seemed to have mellowed.

She sat up and looked down at Nick then, wanting to know where things stood between them. “What does all this mean, Nick? We find out we love each other, and now you go? Now what? Now what am I supposed to do without you?”

“Same thing you did before,” he said firmly; “go out and smile pretty for the cameras.”

“What does that mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. Nothing's changed. You're free. And I'm going to England.”

“Bullshit.” She raged at him. “That's it? I love you, you love me, and nothing, so long, good-bye, I'm going to war, have a nice life, and see you when I get back. Maybe.”

“You got it.” He looked suddenly hardened, but he had made up his mind a long time ago, and he was not going to change it. For her sake.

“And then what? You come home, and if we're lucky we find each other again and start over?”

“Nope,” he said sadly. “If you're lucky, we find each other again, and you introduce me to your husband and kids, if I'm gone that long, and if I'm not, then you just introduce me to your husband.”

“What are you? Crazy, or sick?” She looked outraged as she stared at him, suddenly wanting to hit him. What kind of game was this? But this was no game to him. Nick Galvin had promised himself years before that he wasn't going to let himself ruin Cassie's life just because he loved her.

“Haven't you been listening to me?” He was shouting at her in their secret place, but there was no one to hear them. They were safe here. “I have nothing to give you, Cass. That's not going to change while I'm gone, and it's not likely to improve when I get back, unless I rob a bank or hit it lucky in Las Vegas. You're a lot likelier to make some money than I am.”

“Then go work for Desmond Williams,” she said angrily. How could he be so stupid!

“My legs aren't good enough. Look, you're a commodity to him. You're a genius in the air, and look good. You're a dolly who can fly; you're gold in the bank for him, Cass. I'm just another flyboy.”

“Why is that my fault?” she said angrily. “Why are you taking it out on me? What did I do, aside from get lucky?” She was crying now, and shaking with rage and frustration. Why were men so unfair sometimes? It was exhausting being a woman.

“You didn't do anything. The trouble is neither did I for the last twenty years, except fly a bunch of old planes and hang out with your father. I had a good time, we did some good things, the best of which was teach you how to fly, or teach you not to crash may be more like it, you taught yourself to fly. But that's not enough, Cass. I'm not going to marry you with nothing in the bank and empty pockets.”

“You're a jerk!” She shouted at him through her tears. “You own three planes, and you built my father a goddamn airport.”

“I may never come back, Cass,” he said quietly. That was part of it too. He was not leaving her hanging there, waiting for him. It wasn't fair, not at her age. “That's a fact. I may be gone for five years. I may be gone forever. You gonna wait for that? With the life you have now, and the opportunities, that's what you want? To wait for a guy twice your age, who may leave you a penniless widow before you start? Forget it. This is my life, Cass. This is what I've made of it. This is what I want. I want to fly. No strings. No promises. That's it… forget it…”

“How can you say that?” she raged at him, but he looked at her very calmly.

“Easy. Because I love you so damn much. I want you to go out there and hit the jackpot. I want you to get everything you can get, fly everything you can lay your hands on, as long as you're safe, and I want you to be happy forever. I don't want to worry about your doing that, when I'm flying my tail off after some Kraut over the English Channel.”

“You're incredibly selfish,” she said angrily.

“So are most people, Cass,” he said honestly, “especially fliers. If they weren't, they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't scare the hell out of the people they love, risking their lives every day, and killing themselves right under their loved ones’ noses at air shows. Think of that. Think of what we do to the people we love.”

“I have. A lot. But you and I both know that, that's an advantage right there. We're even.”

“No we're not. “You're twenty years old, for chrissake. You have a whole life ahead of you, and a great one. But I don't want you waiting for me. If I get back, and I win the Irish sweepstakes while I'm there, I'll call you.”

“I hate you,” she stormed, unable to move him or change his mind. Nick was as stubborn as she was.

“I figured that. I especially figured that when I kissed you.” He kissed her again then, and all her fury and her rage and her sorrow exploded through her in a wave of passion that he felt with equal flame. He would have wanted to change a lot of things, but he knew he couldn't. He wanted to hold her and make love to her till they both died of pleasure. But he forced himself to let go of her before it was too late to stop. And for both of them, that moment was coming closer.

“Will you write to me?” she asked breathlessly, a little while later.

“If I can. But don't count on it. Don't worry if you don't hear from me. That's just what I don't want. I don't want you waiting for me. It's the shortest love story in the world. I love you. The End. That's it. I probably should never have told you.”

“Then why did you?” she asked unhappily.

“Because I'm a selfish sonofabitch and I couldn't stand not saying it anymore. I had to fight myself not to say it each time we came here. And it almost killed me when I left you in California. I've needed to tell you for a long time. But it doesn't change anything, Cass. It's nice to know. Maybe for both of us. But I'm still going.”

They went round and round about it for a long time, but she couldn't convince him not to go. And eventually, they flew back to the airport after kissing each other for a long time and nearly tearing each other's clothes off.

It was a long, sad weekend for her, and she spent a lot of time with him. And on Sunday afternoon when she left, it tore her apart as nothing before in her life had. Her father had sensed what was happening and he had talked to her before she left, but it hadn't really helped her. It made her feel closer to him, but it didn't change what was happening with Nick. She was in love with him, and he with her, and he was telling her to forget it. She didn't tell her father that in so many words, but he understood it.

“It's the way he is, Cass. He has to be free to do what he believes in.”

“It's not our fight”

“But he wants it to be his, and he's good at it. He's a good man, Cassie.”

“I know that.” And then she looked unhappily up at her father. “He thinks he's too old for me.”

“He is. I used to worry about him falling for you,” Pat admitted, “but I think he'd do you a lot of good too. But you can't convince a man of that. He has to find it out for himself.”

“He thinks you'd be angry at him.”

“He knows that's not the truth… nor the problem… the problem is in his mind, what he believes, what he wants for you. You won't find the answers now, Cass. If you're lucky, he'll come back, and you can both work it out later.”

“And if he doesn't?” she asked sadly.

“Then you've been loved by a fine man, and you've been lucky to know him.” She clung to her father then, finding the lessons to be learned to be almost beyond bearing.

She said good-bye to her family at the house, and Nick drove her out to the airfield. He helped her untie her plane, and do all her ground checks, admiring the extraordinary machine she had brought with her, but as she revved her engines, he pulled her close to him and just held her.

“Take care of yourself…” she said, in anguish. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now be a good girl, and do some good flying. I can see now why they keep a chaperone with you,” he teased, to help lighten the moment. They had come very close to losing their heads more than once over the weekend.

“Write to me… let me know where you are…” she said, as tears ran down her cheeks like rivers.

He pointed to the sky with a sad smile. His eyes told her everything she needed to know, and he could no longer say to her. He was leaving her, and if he came back, who knew what the future held. There were no promises, no sure things. There was only now. And right now, at this very moment, he loved her as he had never loved anyone and never would again.

“Take it easy, Cass,” he said softly, as he stepped away from her. “Keep it high.” He was smiling, but there were tears in his eyes too. “I love you,” he mouthed, and then left the plane. She looked at him for a long painful moment, and her eyes were so full of tears she could hardly see as she taxied down the runway. It was the only time in her entire life when there was no thrill as she left the ground, and she slowly dipped her wings to him, and then headed west, as he watched her.