Before Jamaica Lane

20

Nate was tender, almost apologetic after the wild sex on the rental car. It was only later that I realized he hadn’t said a word during the sex. It wasn’t like him. He usually said something hot, dirty, to spur us on. That he hadn’t made me feel like he was as angry and as confused as I was. Too caught up in pushing that confusion away – just needing to connect, not to think, let alone speak. At least that’s what I let myself believe.

We drove in silence back to the rental house, but I could feel his gaze on me every now and then. Searching. As soon as we arrived at the house, I left him to mingle with our friends while I headed for bed. Jo followed me upstairs. Concerned. I convinced her I was okay. Not so much my pillow. I think it was the tears that soaked it through the night that gave me away.

The next morning I almost gave up my spot in the front passenger seat on the ride home, but I knew that would raise suspicion since I’d been loud about getting it in the first place. However, I was quiet and Jo noticed. She sent me a text from the back of the car telling me she was worried about me.

I was breaking.

I so wanted to tell her everything.

But I held my silence and was grateful when Nate dropped me at my door so I could hurry inside away from all of their questioning looks.

There was no word from Nate for the rest of the day, and no word all day Monday. I left work, going over everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all. To understand how I could have let myself fall.

When I couldn’t do that, I sought distraction …

‘Liv?’ Joss stood in her doorway, surprise slackening her features.

My brow furrowed at her appearance. She had dark circles under her eyes, her olive skin had a sickly pallor to it, and altogether she did not look like a healthy pregnant woman.

Before she could come up with an excuse to keep me out, I barged into her flat. ‘Is Braden here?’ I threw over my shoulder as I marched toward the kitchen.

‘No, he’s at work.’

She appeared in the doorway as I set about making coffee. My eyes washed over her. ‘You need to take better care of yourself.’

Joss smoothed a strand of hair back into her ponytail. ‘I’ve been busy. A literary agent in New York now represents me.’

A teaspoon of sugar froze over my mug. ‘She loved your book?’

‘She loved my book.’

I grinned excitedly. ‘Joss, that’s amazing.’

Her smile was bright, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. ‘Yeah.’

My gaze dropped to her stomach. ‘So what’s –’

‘She thinks I should start working on another.’ She interrupted me, almost frantically.

I knew deflection when I saw it. I let her get away with it. Just for a little while. Coffee made, biscuits on a plate, I carried them into the sitting room for us and settled back on her couch while she curled up in an armchair. Her words were hurried, breathless, so lacking in her usual composure that I could feel the unease growing in my gut. It was clear she was willing to talk to me about her books until she was blue in the face if it meant I wouldn’t ask about the pregnancy.

Finally, just when I was about to stop her and cut to the chase, we heard the sound of the front door opening. I watched Joss tense, as if she was a fragile pane of unsupported glass, bracing against a harsh wind.

My heart pitter-pattered on her behalf as she chewed on her lower lip, her eyes on the sitting room door as heavy footsteps made their way toward it. Braden’s large frame filled the doorway. His eyes were tired and the corners of his mouth were turned down. ‘Liv.’ He gave me a chin lift in greeting before his gaze moved to Joss. They narrowed at the sight of her. ‘Did you sleep today?’

Joss shook her head. ‘I couldn’t.’

Annoyed, he said, ‘You need to get some sleep.’ Without another word he turned on his heel, tugging at his tie as he wandered out of sight.

The tension between them was obvious. The apartment was thick with it. ‘Joss,’ I whispered. ‘Girl, what are you doing?’

‘Don’t.’

So I shut up, not sure what to say, or how to help. A few minutes later Braden walked past the door, calling out, ‘I’ve got a late meeting with Adam.’ The front door shut behind him.

Joss flinched and I saw her throat working as she tried not to cry.

‘Oh, honey.’ I moved to get up to hug her, but she held up a hand, warding me off.

Tears glimmered in her eyes. ‘You hug me and I won’t stop crying. And I need to not cry.’

I stayed where I was.

‘It’s not me,’ she promised. ‘I haven’t shut him out. I’m just having a really hard time right now and I ruined it. I ruined this for him.’

‘He’s the one not talking to you?’

‘He talks,’ she answered dryly. ‘But it’s … it’s like he can barely stand to be in the same room as me. He hasn’t asked me how I feel about it now that the shock has worn off. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want me to touch him …’

‘I’m sorry, Joss.’

‘He’s never been like that. I think I’ve fucked up.’ She laughed hysterically and immediately burst into hard, shaking sobs.

There was no way I wasn’t hugging her.

Cradling her against me, I held her until she cried herself out.

When her body stopped shuddering, I heard the soft whimper of her breathing and realized that she’d fallen asleep on me. I couldn’t move. I daren’t.

Fifteen minutes later, the front door opened and Braden came striding back into the sitting room, looking like a man who meant business. Clearly, he’d decided not to meet Adam. I don’t know what his purpose was in coming back – whether it was to shout at Joss or try to bridge the distance between them – but I instantly glared him into silence.

‘She cried herself to sleep,’ I whispered.

The muscle in his jaw ticked as he looked down at her. ‘She doesn’t cry a lot,’ he answered me quietly.

For some reason that made me want to cry. The pain my friend was feeling seemed to seep from her into me. ‘You have to forgive her.’

‘It’s not about that,’ he replied hoarsely, his eyes trained on her sleeping face. ‘I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.’

‘That’s worse.’

He ran a hand through his hair. ‘This is our kid, Liv. Problems with us I can handle. But this is our kid. She should be happy.’

‘You know it’s not that easy. You also don’t know what’s going on in her head, because you won’t give her the time of day,’ I hissed, knowing I shouldn’t get angry at him but still shaken from Joss’s meltdown.

Braden gave me a look that would have cowed a lesser woman. Okay, who was I kidding? I was cowed. ‘Are you done?’

I didn’t answer, thinking a smart-ass comment wouldn’t go over so well right now.

Without another word, Braden approached me and I tensed, wondering what he was going to do. Carefully he leaned down and scooped Joss up into his arms as if she weighed nothing. Joss roused long enough to wrap her arms around his neck and snuggle into his chest.

My throat closed as I looked up at them. They had to work this out. They were that couple. If they couldn’t work out their problems, what chance did the rest of us have?

I got up quickly, giving Braden’s arm a squeeze of affection before I left. I hoped to God when Joss woke up the two of them would start communicating.

Being around them had done nothing to lessen my own heartache, and so, not wanting to be alone, I went to my dad’s. Like old times, he cooked me dinner and we hung out, watching TV, just keeping each other company. He knew something was wrong, but for once he didn’t ask questions. He was just there for me, like always.

I didn’t go home. If Nate used my key I wouldn’t know about it.

Avoiding Benjamin had become a challenge these last few weeks. I locked myself in the staff toilets the first time, I hid behind book stacks – moving from one to the other as Benjamin moved around them – the second time, and I’d even hidden in a coat stand. There was a coat stand behind the help desk and it was the first hiding place I seized upon when Benjamin came through the front entrance of the library.

Praying that the coast was clear, I’d stepped out of the coats to four curious gazes.

‘What the hell was that?’ Angus had asked.

I’d blinked, not sure there was any explanation on earth that would work. ‘Bee?’

He had stared at me for a moment and then abruptly strode off into the back office without another word.

The day after my visit to Joss and Braden’s, my pattern of avoiding Benjamin changed. Whether it changed out of circumstance or because of the weirdness between me and Nate, I wasn’t sure.

I was standing at the help desk, flicking through a book in between assisting customers, when a shadow fell over me. I looked up to find Ellie smiling at me.

‘Did you have a nice weekend away?’ she asked brightly.

‘Hey.’ I grinned and then turned to Jill. ‘Can I take five?’

‘Sure.’ She smiled at me and then at Ellie. ‘Hey, Miss Carmichael. I heard it’ll be Dr Carmichael soon.’

Ellie flushed as I walked around the counter toward her. ‘Soon, yes. It’ll be strange, though.’

‘It’s awesome.’ I pulled her into a hug before leading her toward an empty couch near the main staircase. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I came to thank you.’ She turned to me, her eyes bright. ‘I heard you popped around Joss and Braden’s last night.’

‘Yeah?’

Ellie shook her head. ‘The last few days have been awful. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room with them and I didn’t know which one of them to be angry at, so I just decided to be sad for the both of them, which was really no help.’ She smiled sheepishly. ‘I’ll stop babbling and get to the point. I don’t know what you did or what you said, but it helped. Adam just called me to tell me Braden is in a much better mood. I called Joss and she sounds good too. I’m heading to see her next.’

‘I’m glad.’ Relief whooshed through me. ‘But I didn’t do anything.’

Ellie shrugged. ‘Braden mentioned you to Adam, so I think you did something.’

‘I think they were close to fixing things themselves. I just happened to be there at the right time. That is not a couple who can be mad at each other for long.’

Apparently I was wrong, because Ellie laughed. ‘Jesus, you should have seen them when they broke up. That is a couple that can do mad at each other and do it well. That’s what I was worried about. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. They’re sorted and Joss seems tentatively excited about the pregnancy, so I’m going to seize upon that. I’m going to be an auntie!’ she squealed as if it had just suddenly hit her.

I laughed, glancing around us to find students smiling in bemusement at us. One of those students caught my eye and the laughter fell from my lips as he began to make his way across the foyer toward me.

‘Liv?’ Ellie asked.

‘Olivia?’ Benjamin stopped, towering over us. He grinned down at me, his friendly, gorgeous smile flickering to Ellie and then back to me. ‘I haven’t seen you in a while.’

There was no avoiding him.

And for the first time in weeks I wasn’t sure I should. I stood up, and Ellie did also. ‘Hi. Benjamin, this is my friend Ellie. Ellie, this is Benjamin.’

‘Call me Ben.’ He smiled at me before turning to shake Ellie’s hand. I felt the heat of Ellie’s burning curiosity on my face.

‘Have you been on holiday?’ he asked, his focus entirely on me, which was really nice considering that Ellie was a tall, stunning blonde.

‘No. I think we must just keep missing each other,’ I lied.

‘That’s a shame,’ he murmured. ‘But it’s good to see you now.’

‘You too,’ I replied with a smile.

We stared at each other a moment too long.

Ben cleared his throat. ‘I suppose I better get on,’ he said, seeming reluctant.

‘You know,’ Ellie said, ‘a group of us will be hanging out at Club 39 on Saturday night. Maybe we’ll see you there.’

Understanding flashed in his eyes and he grinned at me. ‘Yeah, maybe.’

As soon as he was gone I turned to her. ‘What was that?’

‘I’m just helping along a courtship that was going as slow as mine and Adam’s. I don’t want you to have to wait five years, Liv.’ She patted my shoulder. ‘It’s not fun.’

Ellie’s news that Joss and Braden were okay and Ben’s obvious interest in me brightened my day a little, helping me to bury the increasingly excruciating hurt and uncertainty I was feeling over the whole Nate situation.

It was understandable, then, that when I got home from work that night I didn’t know how to react to the fact that Nate was sitting on my couch, drinking my coffee and watching my TV.

I know how my body reacted.

It liked his lean, muscular form on my couch. It liked the stubble on his handsome face, and the gleam in his gorgeous, dark chocolate eyes.

I know how my heart reacted.

It loved that he was in my sitting room, waiting for me.

‘Hey?’

He sat forward, reaching for the remote to switch off the television. ‘I came by last night. You never came home.’

‘I stayed with my dad.’

Tension seemed to melt from the line of his shoulders. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine.’

He scratched his jaw, a question in his eyes. ‘Did we fuck up at the weekend?’

Moving toward him, I exhaled heavily. ‘I don’t know. Did we?’

Nate stood up, coming toward me. He put his hands on my waist and drew me to him. I was a goner. ‘I think it was a strange weekend. I think we should forget about it.’

What the hell does that mean? Find out!

‘Okay,’ I acquiesced, hating myself for it, but loving the feel of his lips whispering across my jaw.

His warm breath puffed against my ear as his hands pulled the back of my shirt into his fists. ‘I feel like I haven’t been inside you in forever.’

I leaned into him. ‘It’s only been a few nights,’ I reminded him softly.

‘That’s what I said.’ He pressed an open-mouth kiss to my sweet spot. ‘Fucking forever.’

At first he was rough, wild, hot. I let him kiss me. I let him undress me. I let him lead me into my room. I let him caress every part of my body.

Somewhere along the way he turned tender.

I let him slide inside me and take me slowly, beautifully. I closed my eyes.

‘Don’t,’ he said gruffly, grasping the back of my thigh to change the angle of his deep, slow thrusts. ‘Look at me. Give me those eyes.’

So I let him look into my eyes while he made love to me, until I came with tears in them.

I let him push my uncertainty aside.

I let him back in.

Nate came hard, his grip on my body almost bruising as he threw his head back and groaned his release. Once his hips stopped jerking against mine, a strange stillness came over him. An alertness. Our eyes met, and whatever Nate saw in mine had him rolling off me as if I was on fire.

Quickly he took off the used condom and threw it in the trash can. He immediately started pulling his jeans back on.

Something was very wrong.

‘You’re not staying?’

He didn’t answer, and that line of tension was back in his shoulders. I waited as he put his shirt on. Not meeting my eyes at first, he dragged a hand down his face, and then finally looked at me.

My heart pounded as I sat up. I swallowed a wave of nausea.

‘I’m ending this, Liv. I can’t do it anymore.’

I felt like my rib cage was closing in on my lungs. ‘You –’ I shook my head. ‘You make love to me and then … end it?’

‘That’s why.’ He clenched his jaw tightly. ‘Make love to you? That was never what this was about.’

Anger tore through me as I got out of the bed, reaching for a nightshirt so I wouldn’t feel so vulnerable. I yanked it on over my head and then spun around, hands on my hips. ‘Why did you come here tonight? If you were going to end it?’

‘Because I wasn’t sure it needed to be ended … but after that …’ His voice trailed off as he gestured helplessly toward the bed.

I stared at the bed, where he’d been so tender only moments before. ‘I was just following your lead.’

‘Don’t,’ he snapped at me. ‘Don’t give me those wounded eyes and that hurt tone. We agreed that this was just sex. And you promised.’ His eyes softened now, almost pleading. ‘You promised it wouldn’t ruin us.’

‘You want me to hold to that promise? Nate, don’t lie to yourself! For the past six weeks we’ve been in a relationship, and I’m sick of pretending it isn’t. You’re here most nights and it’s not just sex. It’s friendship and affection and tenderness.’ I didn’t want to cry, but I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes. ‘We make each other laugh and we get each other. What’s so wrong with that?’

‘I can’t believe you,’ Nate whispered hoarsely, sounding and looking betrayed.

Ice slivered over my heated skin, making me shiver in a cold sweat.

‘I’ve told you over and over that I don’t want that and you sat there and murmured your understanding and gave me your fucking assurances and all the time you were manipulating me!’ He ended on a roar that made me flinch.

He was shaking.

I’d never seen him like this.

When I didn’t say anything he turned to leave.

That’s when I found my voice. ‘I wasn’t the one who asked you to sleep over after sex. You did that. I didn’t ask you to be here almost every night. You did that. I didn’t cuddle you on the couch. You did that. I didn’t ask you to come home and meet my parents. You did that.’

Nate stopped, his jaw locked, glaring at my carpet.

The realization that I was about to lose him forever hit me.

I couldn’t breathe as invisible hands ripped me open.

Blinded by tears, I told him softly on shallow breaths, ‘Looking back, I think you knew that there was more here. There were moments when I felt you pull away and I thought that was it – this, between us, was over. But then you’d come back. Why?’

This time when his eyes met mine I knew I recognized fear in his.

‘Liv, don’t.’

‘Don’t? Don’t, why?’

‘Because …’ He bit the word out, his tone ugly. ‘If you say any more I’ll be forced to say things I don’t want to.’

I curled my lip in disdain. ‘Just say them. Come on. Just say it! I’m a big girl.’

‘Don’t make this ugly.’

‘You’ve already made this ugly with your goddamn mixed signals, so just say it!’

‘Fine. I don’t love you. I can’t and I won’t and you knew that, so don’t stand there like some victim.’

I laughed harshly through the agony of his words, hating him so much in that moment. ‘Last week I thought you might just be the best person I ever met in my life. Last week I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone.’ It was a bitter relief to finally admit it to the both of us. ‘You taught me to be brave again, Nate.’ I swiped at the tears, my heart catching painfully as his eyes seared into mine. ‘How can such a coward teach someone to be brave?’

He flinched.

Good.

‘You know what else you taught me?’

He didn’t answer.

‘You taught me to believe in myself all the way through. You taught me that I’m worth more than what I see in the mirror. So today, as you try to teach me the opposite lesson, I say fuck you.’ I smiled humorlessly, licking the salty tears off my lips. ‘I deserve to be loved. All or nothing.’

As if he realized where I was going with this, a flicker of unease entered Nate’s expression. He took a step toward me. ‘Liv, I never made you any promises, you know that.’

‘Stop playing dumb. You’ve been in this with me for the last six weeks! This wasn’t just a casual fuck, Nate. It’s me!’

‘You promised …’

Exhausted, I stumbled back from him. ‘You’re right, I did. I didn’t expect you to blur the lines, though. We blurred the lines. At least I can admit it. But if you admit it, you have to admit what a selfish bastard you’ve been, and I don’t think you’re going to do that.’

‘You’re wrong,’ he growled. ‘I admit it. I thought we could be best friends and have sex. It didn’t work. And I kept coming back and making it worse because I didn’t want to lose your friendship. I’m sorry. But you know me. You know I don’t do relationships. You know that. Don’t hold it against me. Just be … my bloody friend.’

I looked at him incredulously. ‘I just told you that I’ve fallen in love with you.’

I started to cry harder as he flinched again.

‘You expect me to be able to be around you now?’

‘Liv, don’t do this.’

‘I have to. I’m sorry. For the sake of my sanity I have to. You walk out that door, Nate … if you walk out that door … don’t ever come back.’

The muscle in his jaw ticked. ‘You don’t mean that.’

‘Oh, come on,’ I replied sadly. ‘You just told me you don’t love me and you never will. I doubt you’ll even miss me.’

There was so much pain in his voice when he whispered his plea. ‘Olivia, don’t.’

That obvious pain stopped me in my tracks. The hope being that beneath all the confusion and anger and uncertainty, Nate really cared … and he was just frightened. So I gave him one last shot to be brave.

‘I love you, Nate. Do you love me?’

I knew it was over when tears glimmered in his eyes. ‘I never meant to hurt you, babe.’ His voice was thick with emotion.

My own tears spilled quicker. ‘I guess that was good-bye.’