Before Jamaica Lane

24

Seeing Nate again was like straining a recent injury. When I left him I had to start packing ice on it again.

That’s why when Ben called the next week while I was having dinner with Dad and Dee, I was glad of the distraction.

‘I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m going to selfishly pretend that’s not true in order to ask a massive favor.’

Amused, I leaned my elbow on my dad’s counter and relaxed into the conversation. ‘What kind of favor?’

‘My sister has somehow managed to rope me into babysitting my niece, Zoe, on Saturday. Now I love my niece, but she’s eight years old, a total girly girl, and when I asked her what she wanted to do, she replied that she wanted me to take her to see some Disney pop princess musical movie at the cinema. Zoe is used to getting what she wants, so this is going to happen. I was hoping you’d do me a favor by coming with me so I don’t appear to be some creepy guy at a Disney movie, but –’

‘One-half of parental obligation?’

‘Exactly.’

I laughed. ‘It sounds like you’ll be owing me majorly.’

‘So you’ll come with us?’

‘Sure. As a favor. Not a date.’

‘Not a date. I completely agree. Nothing kills romance more than a teenybopper musical.’

After a minute of confirming details of when and where, I hung up. My dad stared at me curiously.

‘What?’

‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

‘We’re just friends,’ I assured him.

‘I’ve heard that before.’

‘Mick,’ Dee admonished, scowling at him on my behalf.

Dad grimaced. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, but it’s the look on your face right now that tells me that going on a date with some other man is not a good idea. And you know’ – he pushed his fork around on his plate as he avoided my eyes – ‘Jo told me Nate is not doing well at all. She says he looks like hell. And apparently he’s been trying to contact you.’

My eyes narrowed. ‘I thought you didn’t like Nate.’

‘I didn’t. Until you told me all those things about him.’

‘Dad –’

‘He was very young when he lost that girl,’ Dad interrupted, pushing his plate away and leaning toward me conspiratorially. ‘I can’t imagine how difficult it is to go through the loss of a woman you love at such a young age. But I can understand how it might paralyze you. Nate never got a chance to experience enough of life to learn how to put loss into perspective. Or the fear of loss even. He might just need time.’

Not surprised by my dad’s understanding and empathy, I placed my hand over his, my heart hurting. ‘Dad, even if Nate turned around tomorrow and told me that he wanted to give us a chance … I’d say no.’

‘I thought you loved him.’

‘I do. I’m very much in love with him. But he won’t ever allow himself to love me the way he loved Alana. She was his big love. I want to be someone’s big love, Dad. I think I deserve to have the man I love love me back just as much.’

Saturday afternoon I met Ben and his adorable niece outside the Omni Centre. Zoe was a bundle of excited energy and Ben looked more than a little relieved to see me. He had this permanent crease in his forehead, which I would soon learn had come from listening to Zoe talk on and on about her painful decision to demote a certain world-famous boy band to the status of her second-favorite band, in favor of this new, cooler band that had just hit the charts.

I could speak boy band, since I went through my own boy-band phase until I hit thirteen, so I listened attentively to Zoe as we walked into the cinema together. As she hemmed and hawed over what kind of candy she wanted, Ben squeezed my shoulders and murmured, ‘Thank you,’ in my ear in a way that I felt across my skin.

I smiled, feeling relief that maybe, just maybe, I could get over Nate after all.

The movie was as bad as Ben and I thought it would be, but Zoe loved it and was giggling and singing as we walked out of the theater. With the innocence of the young, Zoe took my hand and her uncle’s hand too, walking between us so we made a picture of the perfect family.

It was more than awkward for me, since Ben and I still didn’t know each other that well, but when I caught his mischievous grin I knew he didn’t feel awkward at all. In fact, I got the feeling he was enjoying himself. My suspicious side wondered if this had been a ploy from the beginning. Had good old boy Ben gotten a little sick of waiting on me to call him for a date and decided to move things along faster?

I squeezed Zoe’s hand but shook my head at Ben as we strolled up the street toward McDonald’s, where we’d promised to take Zoe for lunch.

‘Using your niece to turn this into a date?’ I semi-whispered over Zoe’s singing.

Ben laughed at me. ‘I did no such thing.’

‘Oh, you did too.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘You knew the adorableness of this situation would tug at me.’

Ben threw his head back in laughter, causing Zoe to stare up at us and ask, ‘What’s going on?’

Before I could explain in a bumbling fashion, a very familiar voice froze me to the spot.

‘Olivia?’

The three of us stopped, our hands still clasped, and stared at Nate, who’d come to a halt on the sidewalk in front of us. People pushed past us in irritation, swerving around us as we just stared at one another. I took in his unshaven face, his messy hair squashed under a beanie, and the dark circles that were still under his eyes since last we’d seen each other. My heart flipped over painfully in my chest.

It flipped even harder when the color leached from Nate’s cheeks as he processed the sight of me with Benjamin and Zoe.

‘Ben, this is Nate. Nate, this is Ben and his niece, Zoe.’

‘Hi!’ Zoe chirped.

Nate, the inherent charmer, would usually have flashed his dimples at her adorableness and responded to her. But something was happening to him as he looked from me to Ben to Zoe to our hands clasped tightly together. There was something akin to horror in his expression.

‘Nate?’ I whispered, taking a step toward him.

‘I, eh, I …’ His eyes caught mine now, his chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. ‘I …’ He lifted a shaking hand.

‘Nate?’

‘Excuse me.’ He pushed past us and strode down the sidewalk as if the hounds of hell were nipping at his heels.

I stared after him, hating that I was worried for him as I wondered what the heck had just happened to him.

‘Well, I’m guessing there’s a story there,’ Ben said softly.

‘Maybe.’

‘Do you fancy telling me about it?’

I glanced down at Zoe, whose head swung from one to the other of us in confusion. ‘Not really.’

‘Okay, that’s fair enough. But how about we put whatever that was behind us and go to McDonald’s, eat some processed food, and then I’ll persuade you to accompany me to my cousin’s wedding. As a date.’

Reeling, I could only stare at him.

Zoe’s excited laughter and jerk on my hand pulled me out of my daze. ‘Say yes! I’m Flower Girl. I want you to see my dress.’

I threw Ben a dirty look as his mouth twitched in amusement. ‘You are an evil genius.’

I didn’t understand what had gone through Nate’s head when he saw me with Ben and Zoe, but what I did know was that he wanted to talk about it. I knew this because he started calling me. Now I felt like I was continually icing the injury he’d left me with.

That very night he called me. When I didn’t answer he sent me a text, asking me to call him back. The next day he called me. He left a voice mail, which I refused to listen to. He called me the day after that. And thus began a daily dose of Nate.

So many times I had to catch myself. I wanted to pick up. I wanted to pick up because he was obviously sorry he’d hurt me. I got it. I understood. However, it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the fact that being around him was too hard.

So I decided to go to the wedding with Ben that next Saturday.

Seemingly a staple of every Scottish wedding, the Proclaimers filled the wedding tent with their promises while I sat huddled beside Ben at our table. I’d told him countless times to go off and mingle with his family, but he’d told me that the whole point of bringing a stranger to the wedding was to have an excuse not to have to do that.

More and more he proved to me that he was funny and charming, and that I’d be a complete idiot not to give him a shot.

‘Can I get you another drink?’ he asked, nudging my nearly empty champagne glass.

Ruefully, I shook my head. ‘The last wedding I was at I got shamefully drunk and ended up saying things I now regret.’

He smiled mischievously. ‘Now I definitely want to get you drunk.’

I laughed. ‘No, you don’t.’

‘So … what was it you said that you regret?’

‘It’s not really what I said, it’s what saying it led to.’

‘And what was that?’

‘A broken heart.’ I winced as soon as I said it. ‘God, Ben, I’m sorry. I’m the worst wedding date in history.’

He gave me a sympathetic smile. ‘You know what might make it up to me?’

‘What’s that?’

‘Tell me about him. Nate.’ He guessed correctly. ‘What happened? It might help.’

I shook my head. ‘You don’t want to listen to that.’

‘What if I go first?’

Of course my curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to know about Ben’s big heartbreak. Just as I was about to agree, my cell rang. With an apologetic smile, I reached for my clutch and pulled out the phone.

I got goose bumps all over when I saw the caller ID.

Nate.

Did he know I was on a date? Was that why he was calling? Angry that he kept interrupting my life, I shoved the phone back in my purse.

Ben gestured to it. ‘Was that him?’

‘How did you guess?’

‘Because I’m fairly certain I get that look in my eye anytime my ex tries to contact me.’

‘What look?’

‘That “if-I-could-tear-you-to-shreds-with-my-incisors-I-would-why-won’t-you-get-out-of-my-life-you-crazy-bitch” or in his case “crazy bastard” look.’

I laughed humorlessly. ‘Close. It’s more like … I keep trying to get back to who I was before this happened, and every time someone says his name or he calls, it reminds me that I probably won’t ever get back to that person because … he was a part of who I was then.’

We sat in silence for a moment.

Finally Ben took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. ‘One day you’ll wake up and he won’t be the first thing you think about.’

‘Promise?’

‘I promise.’

My cell rang again, jarring the sweet atmosphere between us. Growling in frustration, I reached for my purse, ready to switch off the damn phone, but then I saw it was Jo calling this time.

For some reason I felt an unpleasant dip in my belly.

‘I’m sorry,’ I told Ben. ‘It’s my friend. I should answer her.’

‘Of course.’

‘Jo?’ I asked as I put the phone to my ear.

‘Liv’ – she sounded out of breath – ‘Liv, Nate tried to call you. Something’s happened.’

‘What is it?’ I asked, instantly panicked. ‘Is he okay?’

‘He’s … His dad’s been rushed to hospital.’

I got a taxi from the wedding as quickly as possible, but it took me almost an hour from the time Jo called to get to the hospital. The whole time I was begging and pleading with whatever divine being might exist in this world to help Nathan. Jo said they thought he’d suffered a heart attack.

I practically threw the cab fare at my driver and dashed out of the car, hurrying inside the main entrance of the hospital.

Please, please, let Nathan be okay. Please.

He was such a good man.

And Nate cannot take more loss.

As I hurried toward the main reception to ask after Nathan, his son’s voice called my name and I stopped, my eyes following it. Nate stood in the middle of the crowded waiting room, looking pale and haggard.

I moved toward him, drinking him in. The beard was gone, but the eyes were still dark, and now his mouth was pinched with worry. Sitting behind him were Sylvie, Cam, Cole, and Jo. Sylvie was tearing a Kleenex into pieces. She reminded me of a frightened animal, the way she kept staring round-eyed at the doors beyond.

‘Nate –’ I stopped hesitantly before him, not sure if I should hug him but wanting to. ‘Is there any word?’

He shook his head, his eyes bleak. ‘They took him into surgery. No one’s come out yet.’

Breaking, I took one last step toward him and wrapped my arms around him.

Nate instantly sank into my embrace, his strong arms locking around my waist as his head bowed into my neck.

We stayed that way for a while.

‘Nathaniel Sawyer’s family?’ a doctor called.

Nate and his mother quickly stood up from their chairs and hurried to him. I glanced around at Jo, Cam, and Cole before looking over at Peetie and Lyn, who had arrived a little while after I had. We’d been waiting for hours and hours, and now all of our expressions were the same.

Hopeful.

Desperately hopeful.

At the sounds of Sylvie’s sobs my lungs ceased to work and I watched in horror as Nate pulled her into his arms. Cam, his eyes hollow with grief, moved toward his friend. He rested a hand on Nate’s shoulder and Nate gave him a small smile, shaking his head.

Cam’s body slumped, as if with relief, and my lungs started working again. He strode back to us, running a shaky hand through his hair. ‘Nathan made it through the surgery. He’s stable.’

‘Knock, knock.’ I leaned around the hospital door, wearing a huge grin.

I’d left Nate to be with his mom and dad for the last few days, but on Monday I cut out of work to make visiting hours.

Nathan was alone in his room, watching television. He blinked in surprise at the sight of me and then smiled widely as I walked in. Having dealt with a very sick person, I was a master at schooling my reaction to the physical toll sickness could take. Nathan’s frame looked so much smaller as he lay in the hospital bed. His cheeks were drawn and there were a few more wrinkles around his mouth than there had been when I’d last seen him.

‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’ he asked, sitting up, careful of the wires connecting him to monitors hooked up by his bed.

Laying the flowers I’d brought with me on the bedside table, I pulled up a chair. ‘I was worried.’

‘Pfft.’ He waved me off. ‘What’s a little coronary disease?’

I glared at him.

‘Aye, Sylvie didn’t think that was funny either.’

My lips twitched. ‘Don’t make me laugh. I’m trying to be stern.’

‘Stern?’ He huffed. ‘Stern? I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life and I have to cut out my favorite food. My entire life is going to be stern from now on. I don’t need stern from a pretty girl too.’

‘Fine,’ I agreed. ‘I won’t do stern.’ I glanced around the room in confusion. ‘Where is Sylvie?’

‘Och, I sent her home. She’s absolutely shattered. She wouldn’t leave me.’ He tutted. ‘Had to get my doctor to make her leave so she could get some rest. I’m going to pay for that later.’

I snorted. ‘I’ll bet.’

‘Nate’s downstairs getting coffee, if you were wondering …’

My gaze was sharp as our eyes met. ‘You know, don’t you?’

‘The two of you didn’t exactly do a bang-up job of hiding it when you came to visit. I am sad to hear it didn’t work out, though … Which begs the question … What are you doing here?’

I answered belligerently, ‘Is a person not allowed to be worried about another person?’

‘Aye, of course. You being a nice girl, I think you probably were worried about me and that’s appreciated, but I think more than anything you’re worried about my son. Which makes two of us.’ His brows dipped in concern. ‘He misses you.’

‘I miss him too,’ I confessed softly.

A throat cleared behind me.

Turning, I discovered Nate standing in the doorway, stirring a cup of coffee. He pinned me to my seat with the weight of his stare.

‘Nate.’ I finally found my voice. ‘I just wanted to stop by and see how Nathan was doing. I should get going.’ I stood up.

‘Nonsense.’ Nathan stopped me, gesturing to me to sit down. ‘There’s still half an hour left. Sit. Talk.’ He looked up at his son. ‘Sit down.’

Nate looked like he wanted to laugh as he casually took the seat beside me.

My eyes, with a will of their own, traveled over the long sprawl of his legs. Tingles hit me unexpectedly as I lifted my gaze to his hands, continuing to stir his coffee. He had beautiful, masculine hands – graceful, strong fingers that were callused from work and judo. The soft roughness of his hands had always felt wonderful. And the T-shirt he was wearing showed off his strong forearms. I looked quickly away from the thick vein that ran up his muscular arm. I’d licked the entire length of that vein with my tongue.

Hurriedly, before I expired on the spot, I turned my attention to Nathan.

He was smirking at me.

Great. Even sick, the guy could tease.

‘So how have you been, Olivia? Nate says you’re seeing someone.’ His tone had turned disapproving.

‘I’m not seeing someone,’ I answered irritably. Technically, I wasn’t seeing Ben. Yet.

Nate sat up. ‘You’re not?’

I flicked a look at him before directing my answer to his dad. ‘It’s just been a couple of dates.’

Nathan frowned. ‘That constitutes as seeing someone.’ He looked at his son. ‘What do you think?’

‘Agreed,’ he answered tersely. ‘And it definitely looked serious.’

Starting to feel uneasy, I exhaled. ‘Can we talk about something else?’

‘Why? Nothing else is as interesting.’

I groaned. I was so not ready to do battle with two Sawyer men. ‘Fine, then I should definitely go. Nathan, I’m so happy you’re going to be okay.’ I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek, ignoring his bemused expression.

Not looking at Nate, I quickly exited the room.

‘Olivia, wait,’ Nate called as I hurried down the hospital corridor.

I did not wait.

That’s why I found myself caught in his hard grip and unceremoniously hauled into a dark janitor’s closet.

‘What are you doing?’ I hissed, feeling his breath against my cheek as he pressed me back against the door.

His answer was to kiss me.

I froze in shock at the move, but soon the shock wore off under the feel of warm, coaxing lips. Perhaps it helped that he wasn’t aggressive or fierce. His kiss was soft, yearning. My lips answered to that and I found myself kissing him back.

Nate pulled away first, panting heavily as he nuzzled my cheek, his hands iron bands around my biceps as he breathed me in. I was surrounded by him. The familiar strength of him, his scent, his taste on my tongue, even the slightly bristly feel of his cheek on mine.

I closed my eyes, tears clinging to my lashes.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the loss of him wasn’t the most painful thing in the world. As I stood there in his arms, knowing that he would never really be mine, it occurred to me that more than loss, it was the longing that hurt.

‘You’re the first person I thought of,’ he told me hoarsely, his words vibrating against my ear and causing an involuntary shiver. ‘The only one I wanted here with me.’

Swallowing past the burning, choking ball of unshed tears in my throat, I whispered, ‘I’m sorry I ignored your call.’

‘Don’t be. You came. That’s all that matters.’

Needing some kind of distance, some kind of break from the intensity between us, I cracked, ‘I think there’s an inappropriate joke in there somewhere.’

He laughed against my skin before pulling back. ‘Fuck, I’ve missed you, Liv.’

‘Nate.’ I pushed gently against him until he got the message. His hands dropped from around my arms, leaving me bereft. ‘I’m glad your dad is going to be okay, but I have to go.’

‘Liv, please –’

‘Ben’s waiting,’ I lied impulsively. I had this sudden fear that Nate’s calls and his confession that he missed me were leading somewhere. And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do the right thing, so I wasn’t going to give him the chance to mess with my head. ‘I’m meeting him.’

He was quiet in the dark for a moment.

And then …

‘We need to talk.’

‘No. We really don’t.’ I fumbled for the door handle and managed to slip outside. He didn’t follow.

I took that to mean that he understood there was no point.