Before Jamaica Lane

8

After three hours of innuendo I finally reached a point where I wasn’t blushing. I was even able to provide a fairly saucy rejoinder. This didn’t convince me that I’d be able to approach Benjamin and start flirting with him. It only convinced me that I was so comfortable with Nate that my insecurities were taking a swan dive off the Mountain of Low Self-Esteem one by one while I was around him. Still, I felt better than I had in a long time – not only because Nate had begun to chip away at the weight of my physical insecurities, but because I felt like I was grabbing life by the balls and doing something about a part of my life that I was unhappy with.

Nate was nonstop busy on Friday since he had three photo shoots booked for the paper, one being an awards ceremony that had him working right up until midnight. As for me, I was having my usual weekly dinner with Dad, Jo, Cam, and Cole.

This meant no lessons.

Saturday was out too, considering that Nate, Cam, and Cole had judo class in the afternoon and usually hung out together afterward. However, I still got to see Nate.

Jo called to ask me over that evening, and when I got there I found the guys were there, including Peetie. Peetie’s fiancée, Lyn, wasn’t with them and I hadn’t expected her to be. The few times we’d met I’d thought she was nice, but she never went out of her way to hang out with Peetie’s friends. She had her own group, and both of them seemed cool with that.

Nate and Cole were playing a war game that Nate was in the middle of reviewing, while Peetie and I waited patiently for our turn. Cam sat in the corner at his desk, going over some work stuff, while Jo lay half snoozing on the rug in front of the fireplace.

I sat next to Nate, attempting not to feel weird hanging out with him in a normal situation with our friends after having spent all Thursday evening flirting with him. Despite it being friendly lessons, there was still something kind of naughty about the fact that none of our friends had any idea Nate had told me he thought about fucking me, or that we’d spent four solid hours lightly flirting until I’d begun to tingle between my legs.

‘I’m rethinking my plan to become a tattoo artist,’ Cole announced, his thumb going into rapid motion upon the controller as an enemy target appeared on the screen.

Jo stirred and blinked sleepily up at her brother. ‘Why? You’ve been going on about it for months.’

The game paused while Cole stared at her with a somewhat mulish expression on his face. ‘I don’t “go on.” ’

Cam grunted from the corner of the room and murmured without looking up from his drawings, ‘He’s got you there, baby.’

‘Okay.’ Jo yawned and sat up slowly. ‘You’ve talked about it. For you that is “going on” about it.’

Cole shrugged. ‘I want Nate’s job now.’

‘Stick to the tattoos, mate,’ Nate replied. ‘One, this is a part-time gig. It doesn’t pay all the bills. And two, I’ve seen the tattoo you designed for Cam. You should stick to it.’

‘Yeah?’ Cole was trying not to look too pleased. ‘I could design you a new one.’

‘A new one?’ Jo didn’t look sleepy at all now as she brushed her hair off her face. Her eyes were bright with curiosity. I knew for a fact that she found Nate a bit of a mystery because she’d tried to pry answers about him out of me before. As much as I trusted her, Nate’s story was not mine to tell, so she was left in the dark for the most part. ‘You’ve got a tattoo, Nate?’

On this, it would seem, so was I.

I’d had no idea Nate had a tattoo.

The room grew weirdly tense at Jo’s question, and Nate’s reply was tight and abrupt. ‘Aye.’

‘What is it?’

‘Nothing.’ He shrugged and restarted the game.

‘Well, it’s got to be of something.’

‘I told you it’s nothing.’

‘When did you get it?’

‘Jo –’

‘Where is –’

‘Christ, I said it’s nothing, all right?’ Nate cut her off tersely and I stared at him in surprise. It wasn’t like him to be moody or short with people. That meant one thing. The tattoo had something to do with her.

However, Jo didn’t know enough about her to get it, so she looked a little wounded.

‘Baby, do you want to help me put some snacks together?’ Cam asked quietly, standing up from the desk.

She looked up at him and a silent conversation passed between them. ‘Sure.’ She took the hand he held out to her and he helped her up. Even after they’d left the room it was still thick with unease.

Cole cleared his throat and started playing the game again. ‘I think the reaction time on this is a little slow, by the way,’ he offered, trying to change the subject.

Nate nodded gratefully at him. ‘I think you’re right, wee man.’

They began discussing the game with Peetie. The whole time, I watched Nate, waiting for the tension along the back of his shoulders to disappear. It didn’t. My chest ached for him. I needed him to know that if he was having a hard time, I was there for him just like he was there for me. I shuffled closer to Nate as Peetie disagreed with Cole over the graphics.

‘Tattoo?’ I asked softly in his ear, not sure whether I would get my head bitten off like Jo had.

Nate turned to me, his eyes soft as he gave a shake of his head. ‘Later, babe,’ he muttered. ‘I shouldn’t have spoken to Jo like that.’

‘She’s fine,’ I reassured him. Giving his knee a gentle squeeze, I got up with the intention of going to help Jo. As I was leaving the room, Cam was coming back in and he was scowling.

‘You okay?’

He gave me a slight shake of his head. ‘She feels bad for pushing him.’

‘He feels bad for snapping, so don’t give him a hard time,’ I murmured.

Cam gazed over at his friend and then whispered, ‘You forget I know, Liv. I wasn’t going to give him a hard time. But I sometimes wonder if someone should.’

Not really sure how to answer that, I gave him a sad smile and slipped past. I found Jo in the kitchen, pouring bags of chips – or crisps, as she and Dad called them – into bowls. I spotted packets of peanuts and empty bowls, and began to help out.

‘So how’s your week going?’ I asked her quietly. ‘Has Dad worked you to the bone?’

Jo smiled at me over her shoulder. ‘We’re really busy. But that’s a good thing.’

‘And the new employees?’

‘Good. I think Cam was a bit worried about it – how the guys would treat me – but Mick has chosen carefully. They’re literally two more Uncle Micks, so I’ve got three of them to deal with now.’

I smiled. ‘I gathered that much when talking to Dad.’

‘What about you?’ Her brow puckered as she stared at me. ‘Are you okay? You seem … I don’t know … Last night at the restaurant you were really quiet. Is it Mick and Dee? Are you okay about them? We haven’t really spoken about it and they definitely seem serious now.’

Last night I had been quiet, but it was mostly because I was replaying all the very complimentary and somewhat risqué things Nate had said to me during our lessons the night before. ‘Honestly, it’s just been a tiring week. I think Dee is great. No problems there.’

‘You’re still allowed to feel strange about it – you know that, right?’

I shook my head but felt that ache press in on my chest as I replied, ‘Dad adored Mom and he held her hand through it all. She spent a lot of their marriage sick. Too sick. So sick they were more like companions than lovers, but Dad didn’t complain. I don’t think he even cared – he loved her that much.’ I smiled through my suddenly blurry vision. ‘He deserves happiness now. Dee is really cool and she makes him happy. I’m good with it.’

I wasn’t surprised to see tears shimmering in Jo’s eyes. She had a tendency to cry when her friends did because she cared enough to feel what they felt. ‘You can always talk to me, Liv, if you’re having a hard time about anything.’

Of course I knew this was true and I knew that Jo would be there for me anytime I needed her, if only just to listen. I knew I could talk to her if I was having a bad time about my mom, but the last time I did go through a hard time about it – which was Thanksgiving last year – Nate happened to be the one who was there to see me through it.

As for the problems I was having now …

I couldn’t talk to Jo about them.

Starting over in Scotland, starting over with Jo, was a clean slate in more ways than one. I didn’t have a close group of friends back in the States, but those few friends I did leave behind knew me long enough to know my history – or lack of – with men. They never said it outright, but they always spoke to me about guys with this hint of pity, sometimes even superiority, that made me feel even worse about myself.

But Jo … Jo didn’t know any of this.

When we first met she was going through some pretty bad stuff with her mom and dad. For a long time I think she thought the abuse she suffered at their hands was somehow her fault. Meeting her at such an emotional time for her accelerated our friendship. I became a confidante for her, and somehow I found the right words to make her feel better about herself. Because of that and my sometimes cocky sense of humor, Jo saw me as this self-assured, strong, confident, and sassy woman. I knew this because she told me so all the time. She told me she admired me. With Jo, I liked myself so much more than I usually did. She was the only mirror I liked looking into.

I wasn’t ready to let go of those moments when I felt about myself the way I should. Telling her the truth, about all these insecurities that Nate was helping me through, would put an end to that. I wanted to continue to grow into the person I wanted to be, and then I would open up to her. Not confiding in her was not a reflection upon how good a friend she was. Because she was the best.

‘I know I can always come to you.’ I grabbed her hand and squeezed it affectionately. ‘You’re the best non-sister sister I ever had.’

Her green eyes widened with surprised pleasure at my announcement, and her lips parted as if she was about to say something in return when we suddenly heard a loud thump from upstairs. The smile was instantly chased from Jo’s face as she stared up at the ceiling. On a heavy sigh she murmured, ‘I better go check on her.’

Last year Jo had moved out of the apartment upstairs that she had shared with her mom, Fiona, and Cole. Upon discovering that her alcoholic mother hit Cole, Jo had attempted to keep her brother away from their mom as much as possible. They spent a lot of time downstairs in Cam’s apartment. Finally Cam asked Jo and Cole to move in with him, not only because he wanted them there but because Cole needed to be out of that situation pronto.

‘Do you want company?’ I offered, knowing that dealing with Fiona was often unpleasant for my friend.

She shook her head and gave me an apologetic smile. ‘You know how she feels about you.’

Indeed I did. When I first met Fiona she’d been ugly to me because she’d always had a thing for my dad and was jealous of my mom and resented me. She’d told me I looked like my mom, as though that was a bad thing. It was actually one of the nicest things she could ever have said to me.

‘Go on.’ I waved her off. ‘I’ll deal with the snacks.’

Sighing again, Jo headed out of the kitchen and I followed, carrying a plate of little sandwiches she’d made up.

‘I’m going to see if Mum’s okay,’ she called out to the guys as she passed the sitting room.

Cam almost bumped into me. He let me pass, calling out to Jo, ‘I’m coming with you.’

As I entered the sitting room, my eyes immediately went to Cole. Just as I expected, his handsome, boyish features were strained as he stared up at the ceiling. I hated seeing that look on his face. I worried what it meant, what was going on inside.

Cole never talked about it, but I couldn’t imagine it was any easier for him growing up with a mom like Fiona than it had been for Jo. Not easy either to grow up without a dad, and then to discover that your dad was an abusive asshole. By all accounts Jo had been his mother, not Fiona. Still, their mom’s abuse must have left its mark, and just the thought of that mark scarring Cole made me feel sick to my stomach. He was the best kid ever. I couldn’t understand how anyone could hurt him.

Sensing my gaze, Cole looked over at me and I smiled gently.

He gave me a small smile back, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

‘Sandwich?’ I asked, walking over to him with the plate. Before he could say anything I sat down next to him and thrust the plate under his nose.

Cole slowly accepted a sandwich.

I remained silent.

He looked up at me, as if he was waiting for me to say something.

Instead I gave him a slow, cheeky grin. Cole stared at me like I was a new species. Then he shook his head and burst into low laughter. His whole body relaxed and he bit into the sandwich.

I lifted my smiling eyes. They collided with Nate’s and the smile almost faltered at his expression. The look on his face was so tender I felt it knock the wind out of me. I felt that now familiar, pleasurable ache in my chest as he winked at me.

I didn’t think anyone could wink without it looking stupid or corny.

I was wrong.

Nate could.

Nate made winking panty-droppingly hot.

Oh, boy, better be careful, Soda Pop.

‘You don’t have to walk me home, Nate,’ I said as we hit Leith Walk.

After Jo had dealt with whatever was going on with her mom, she and Cam had returned to the flat and we’d switched the video game off to watch a comedy. Nate made a point of leaning down to kiss Jo’s forehead when he got up to go to the bathroom, and the tension between them melted away. The tattoo, however, was still on my mind because … well, I was just nosy like that. Mostly I was concerned about the reaction it had elicited in Nate. I got through the movie without bugging him about it, but when Peetie left we took that as our cue and announced we had to get going too.

Nate lived in Marchmont, a heavily student-populated area behind the Meadows – a large public park behind the University of Edinburgh. It was southwest of Jo and Cam’s apartment on London Road, whereas I was just west. It was a good forty-minute walk from my apartment to Nate’s.

‘It’s after midnight,’ he replied softly. ‘I’m not letting you walk home alone.’

‘I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.’

‘That might be true if you ever decided to come along to judo with me.’

Wrinkling my nose at the thought, I said, ‘I like watching it, but I’m not up for doing it.’

‘I hope that won’t be your attitude toward sex.’ He smirked cheekily at me. ‘Then again, voyeurism is hot.’

I punched him on the arm. ‘You’re so immature.’

‘I can’t help it if you don’t think through what you’re saying before you say it,’ he replied with an unapologetic shrug.

‘Dude, there was nothing sexual about what I said. You just have a way of making everything sound dirty.’

He grinned at me. ‘You, a grown woman of twenty-six years old, say “dude” and you call me immature?’

‘That’s beside the point,’ I replied haughtily, ignoring his laughter. And in ignoring his laughter I stupidly decided to ruin his mood. Clearing my throat, I nudged him with my shoulder. ‘So the uh … the, uh, tattoo?’

Nate was quiet as we strode across the wide road to Union Street. By the time we turned down Forth Street he still hadn’t said anything. I wasn’t going to push. It wasn’t my place to. But I was worried about his reaction to this tattoo and what it meant.

‘It’s a small stylized “A.” I have it tattooed at the top of my ribs, across my heart,’ he suddenly piped up.

‘ “A,” ’ I whispered, and I understood instantly. ‘For “Alana.” ’

Nate nodded, his eyes on me as if he was waiting for my reaction.

‘When did you get it?’

‘Just after she died.’ Those deep dark eyes of his studied my face more intently. ‘Did you ever think about getting a tattoo for your mum?’

The familiar pressure on my chest accompanied my answer. ‘I don’t need it.’

‘I’m glad I got it.’ Nate’s voice was low, even hushed. ‘There are times I can go a whole day without her flashing through my mind. Then I catch sight of the tat in the mirror. So I remember.’

I wanted to tell him it was okay to live his life, to have days that weren’t weighted by her loss, but I’d feel like a hypocrite if I did. Whenever I went a whole day without thinking about Mom the guilt was almost crippling. Nate knew that. He knew that and I knew his story. Remembering everything he’d told me after he’d found me in my apartment last November, I wouldn’t be the one to tell him that it was time to move on …

Last Thanksgiving, Edinburgh

The turkey was in the oven and so were the roasted potatoes. My potatoes for the mash were boiling and my onions were chopped, ready to be mashed in with the potatoes, just like Mom made. The cranberry sauce was done. The vegetables were steaming.

Since I couldn’t find a store anywhere in Edinburgh that sold pumpkin pie, I had to make one from scratch. I wiped sweat from my forehead because the heat from my kitchen had filled my little apartment to the boiling point. Windows were open, but I’d still had to change into a tank top on a Scottish fall day.

After spending an emotional morning with my dad, I’d told him I just needed some quiet time alone. I could tell he didn’t want to leave me, but I was a grown woman and he gave me my space. I was using my space to do what Mom would have been doing if life was fair.

Finishing up with the pie, I opened the oven to see if I could make room for it. Smoke billowed out.

‘What the hell?’ I screamed at it, waving the smoke away to discover that the turkey was burning.

How was it burning? Didn’t I put it in for the right time? I glanced up at the clock and felt a wave of dizziness sway me. Seven o’ clock. How did it get to be seven o’ clock? That couldn’t be right.

I felt tears prick my eyes as I looked at the massacred bird.

I’d ruined it.

‘I fucking ruined it!’ I shrieked, grabbing an oven mitt and pulling at the bird. Feeling the burning heat of the tray beneath my hand I yelled in outrage and dumped its heavy load in the sink.

My door buzzer went off, and I stopped and sucked in a breath.

What if it was Dad?

I hurried to the entry phone. ‘Who is it?’ I asked tentatively.

‘Nate. Let me up.’

‘Uh, now’s not a good time.’

‘I just heard you screaming from your open window. You don’t let me up, I’ll break the fuck in.’

Pushing a hand through my hair, I winced at the wetness in my hairline. I was a sweaty mess.

I buzzed him in and pulled my front door open with belligerent annoyance, then stomped into the kitchen to check my roasted potatoes.

‘Fucking ruined too,’ I whimpered, my eyes filling with more tears.

‘Liv?’

I whirled around to face Nate, and whatever he saw in my eyes made him stop in his tracks.

‘Liv, are you okay?’ he asked gently, taking a slow step toward me.

‘I ruined it!’ I yelled, flinging an arm out toward the turkey. ‘It’s fucked! What’s the point in me baking the fucking pie if the bird is fucked? I wasted my time chopping onions for the mash but there’s no point because the roasted potatoes are burnt. You can’t have Thanksgiving with just one kind of potato, Nate.’

‘Babe, come here.’ He approached me as though I was a wounded animal. I was so confused by his behavior that I let him curl a strong hand around my arm and pull me toward the sitting room. Realization that he was taking me out of the kitchen sank in and a misdirected rage tore out of me.

‘No!’ I screamed, trying to pull away from him.

‘Jesus, Liv, calm down,’ he ordered through gritted teeth, grabbing hold of my other arm for better purchase. ‘Calm down and tell me what’s going on.’

‘Don’t!’ I tugged my arms, and when that didn’t work, I tried to force him away from me, tried to knock him off balance. ‘Get off! I have to fix it! I have to fix it!’

‘Liv,’ he whispered, fear in his voice now. He shook me hard, so hard I stopped, wide-eyed, as his hands gentled and cupped my face. I stared into his dark eyes and what I saw in them frightened me.

I was acting like a crazy person.

My face crumpled as the familiar agony ripped through my chest. My body shuddered, hard, while I sobbed. ‘She’s not here to fix it.’ I fell against him, trying to catch my breath.

His arms slid around me as I cried and in that moment I felt like his arms were the only thing keeping my insides from falling out.

‘She struggled,’ I whispered, taking a deep breath, trying to find calm through the tears, ‘but she fought through it. Every Thanksgiving.’ I relaxed at his murmuring words of comfort, my head moving with the rise and fall of his smooth breathing. I let the rhythm take hold of me, and slowly my own breathing returned to normal.

When I finally became aware of my surroundings again, I discovered I was lying on the couch with Nate. He’d settled down on it and taken me with him so I was tucked into his side, my head still resting on his chest and my right hand clutched in his left.

‘I’m sorry,’ I croaked out, my eyes swollen, my cheeks burning with embarrassment at my meltdown. Truth be told, I’d been going into a meltdown for the last few weeks as Thanksgiving approached. Much of the tension I was carrying had been coiled up tight as I tried to keep my meltdown from my father.

‘Don’t be.’ Nate reassured me. ‘Why today, Liv?’

‘It’s Thanksgiving back home,’ I told him in a hushed voice, afraid somehow that if I spoke any louder I’d become hysterical again. ‘No matter how sick Mom was, she always fought through it for Thanksgiving, trying to make everything normal when it wasn’t.’ My mouth trembled as fresh tears spilled down my cheeks. ‘She was my best friend. My soul mate.’

‘Babe.’ I heard the pained empathy in his voice and took comfort from it.

‘She died five years ago today, on Thanksgiving. It’s the first year since her death that I haven’t visited her grave.’ I cried harder. ‘I don’t want her to think I’ve forgotten her.’

He held me tighter as I continued to cry, soaking the already wet fabric of his shirt.

‘Liv …’ Nate squeezed his arm around me. ‘Babe, she wouldn’t think that for a second.’

‘I was with her through it all, Nate.’ I wiped a hand across my snotty nose. ‘I missed out on being a kid, I left school, I did it all to help her fight. And we didn’t win. Her life … gone. My teen years … gone. It should have meant something. It should mean something.’

‘It does mean something. She taught you to fight no matter how hopeless things look. That’s a lesson not many people can impart to their kids, but she did. She taught you to be brave, Liv, and she taught you life is fragile. People say that all the time, but they never really understand until one minute they’re laughing with someone they love and the next they’re crying over their grave. I get it. I get it because Alana taught me about it. I think about her every day, and she knows that I think about her every day. I don’t have to visit her grave for her to know that.’

Confused and concerned, my heart pounding harder than before, I wiped at my cheeks as I lifted my head from Nate’s chest to look into his eyes. ‘Alana?’

Grief I’d never seen in his eyes before, telling of a loss so deep I felt it seep from him to me, darkened them to pure black. How he’d managed to hide it all these months I would never know. ‘Did Cam tell you we’re from Longniddry?’

I nodded.

‘It’s just a wee place outside of Edinburgh. A pretty place on the coast. Cam, Peetie, Alana, and I grew up together. We were all best friends until we turned thirteen and a kid I didn’t like asked Alana out. I got really mad at her and we got into a fight.’ He smiled softly, remembering. ‘I hated fighting with her. She was the gentlest girl. If you fought with her, she’d cry, and that just made you feel like shit. So we fought and she cried and I kissed her to say I was sorry.’ He shrugged, then laughed hollowly. ‘That was it. We were together. Childhood sweethearts.’

I swallowed past the massive lump in my throat, the pain inside me expanding for Nate. ‘You loved her.’

Tears shimmered in his eyes, making the breath catch in my throat. ‘Aye. She was my best friend.’

‘What happened?’

He was silent a moment and then his eyes caught mine, and our connection only intensified as he replied, ‘Cancer. Lymphoma. She was just about to turn seventeen.’ He glanced away and his arm tightened around me again. ‘I stayed with her through every stage. Every dashed hope, every failed treatment. And I really believed that we’d beat it. That if I just kept breathing for her she’d make it.’ I heard the catch in his throat and tensed against him. ‘She was special, Liv. Pure. In the end the only thing that got me through was the belief that she was just too good for this place. When she died two days after her eighteenth birthday that was all that got me through. She was just too good for this place.’

‘Oh, God, Nate.’ I dropped my forehead to his chest and wrapped my hand tight around his arm. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I’m sorry too, babe.’

We lay there in silence for a while until finally I drew the courage to say something I really didn’t want to. ‘I’ll get up. Let you go.’

I felt his lips in my hair and then he said quietly, ‘If it’s okay with you, I’m quite comfortable here for the night.’

I relaxed instantly. ‘I’m good with that.’

We’d passed Dad’s flat on Heriot Row and turned down Howe Street. We were less than a minute from my apartment and the entire walk home had been filled with comfortable silence born of the deeper connection we’d made last Thanksgiving. Still, there was a weight in Nate’s silence that made me uneasy.

Finally, as we stopped outside my building, he spoke. ‘I’ve got a couple of deadlines this week, so I might not be able to drop around until after judo class on Wednesday night.’

Shaking off the weird sensation that felt an awful lot like disappointment, I said, ‘No problem.’ I gave him a cocky smile that I didn’t really feel. ‘I’ll practice flirting with my mirror.’

I was gratified at the low chuckle he emitted, a warm glow spreading through my chest as some of the darkness lifted from his eyes.

He pressed a kiss to my cheek. ‘See you soon, babe. Sweet dreams.’

‘ ’Night.’ I let myself into the building and gave him one last smile over my shoulder before I shut the door and headed up the concrete stairs. Though I understood exactly where he was coming from, a heaviness grew in my gut as I changed into my pajamas. I knew that tonight Nate wasn’t going to need to look in the mirror at his tattoo as a reminder to think of Alana.

No. She was inside him tonight; there was a haunted look in his eyes that I’d never seen before. Something was bothering him, and I was afraid that if I pushed too hard, I’d become just like every other woman in his life and he’d shut me out completely.